Chapter 8 - Albus Reflections
Albus felt incredibly proud of everyone.
It really was wonderful to sit back and watch the wizards he had taught take on such a brave task and find themselves equal to it.
Virtually all the members of the Order had been at Hogwarts during his time as a teacher or headmaster. He remembered Sturgis, fretting about his OWL grades. He remembered Arthur, sneaking out late at night to meet Molly Prewett, and he remembered Dedalus, a nervous but well-liked boy, who made himself famous by being the first student ever to be swallowed whole by the giant squid. Fortunately the creature had spat him out quickly afterwards.
In more recent years of course came Sirius, Severus and Remus. Their time at Hogwarts was quite unforgettable. He was quite amazed that Sirius and Severus had seemed able, after all this time, to finally bury the hatchet. He'd never met any two wizards who had loathed one another quite as much as these two before. He couldn't understand it at all.
Perhaps it was that really, when it all came down to it, the two were remarkably similar. Not in personality perhaps, but certainly in their outlook on life.
They'd had similar challenging starts in life too. While Sirius came from seeming privilege, Albus was sure he was treated just as cruelly as poor Severus had been. He knew what this sort of maltreatment did to a person. He saw it in his new students every year. There was a hardiness, a defensiveness, or a fiercely guarded nature about them. Of course he did his best to work through it with such pupils as best he could, but due to their distrust of adults and authority figures, he didn't always succeed.
He wondered how these two wizards were faring for themselves now. On the surface of it it might seem that Sirius was coping better than Severus, but having had his recent conversations with the man, Albus knew this wasn't really the case. Extraversion and a good sense of humour often hid a lot of a person's challenges.
"Oh stop trying to psychoanalyse me, Dumbledore!" The man had said impatiently to Albus on the (almost as many) occasions he had tried to bring up the subject of his childhood at Grimmauld Place. "The past is past, what's the point in talking about it?"
"You're in the Order." Albus had told him seriously. "I need to know you won't do anything stupid." He knew unresolved issues in a person's life had a nasty habit of surfacing for them when least expected (or desired).
But whatever he might say, Sirius remained as closed up as Ollivander's shop.
He tried not to let it bother him. He knew it wasn't really his business. But he would still bring the subject up at any perceived opportunity.
He did the same with Severus. In his case, he was far more ready to talk. That was interesting, Albus mused. The quieter men often speak more when it really matters.
"I must admit it's lonely." The new headmaster told him during one of their chats. "As Black was keen to point out, I suppose I ought to be used to unpopularity by now, but…" but he trailed off at that.
"No man is an island." Albus said, which was a quote by a muggle he quite enjoyed.
Severus looked at him and Albus saw, as he so often did in the man, the haunted, closed look in his black eyes. "I wasn't always." He said quietly.
Albus shook his head. He knew of Severus' friendship with Lily. It had delighted him that the two magical children had found one another before Hogwarts and he was grateful to Lily for her loyalty to her Slytherin friend. At least at first...
"She chose Potter." Severus said, and the bitterness in his voice made Albus wince.
"Yet you are not angry with her."
He didn't think Severus could ever be angry with the woman he'd loved nearly his entire life.
Severus shook his head and, Albus wasn't sure if he was imagining it, was he finally showing signs of emotion?
"No." He said quietly. "I'll love her always."
Albus sighed. "My dear man, isn't it time you moved on with your life?"
Severus was still young. He could easily fall in love again. He could have a family, if he wanted it.
But Albus knew he wouldn't. Lily had him under a spell, as countless women did with countless men.
The kind young witch had awakened something in Severus - she had brought him in touch with his inner goodness, something his cruel father and neglectful mother had certainly not bothered to do for their son, and like an addict, on that he was hooked.
The tragic thing was he was never getting it back yet he couldn't move forwards.
Though Albus had to admit there was a small, somewhat devious, part of him that was glad for the man's obsession. He would help keep Harry safe. He clearly had no feelings for the boy, but he would do it for Lily. And as Albus knew all too well, love really was the most powerful protector.
Yet love was also the thing that could ruin it all.
He'd always been fond of Harry Potter. How could he not be? The boy was humble, brave and so pure of heart. It had cost him so much to tell him about the prophecy. How could he ever admit that it was never really about one surviving? How could he tell Harry that he must die too?
Albus had racked his brains time and time again over it but he couldn't see an alternative. He was quite sure this was how it must be. For he was sure Voldemort had made a horcrux of Harry the night he had tried to kill him in Godric's Hollow all those years ago. It would explain this connection the two wizards had which, despite asking Severus to teach him occlumency, they were unable to sever.
It was hell, living in a house with the boy he knew he was helping end the life of. For every step closer they came to destroying the horcruxes, every inch they drew nearer to ending Voldemort, was a step closer for Harry to death.
Albus had debated about telling the boy what must happen but then decided against it. How could he ever have the strength to do what he must do if he knew? Few wizards were strong enough to face their own mortality, least of all at the age of just seventeen. He knew Harry was strong, and he hoped that, when the time came, he would do what he needed to do, but couldn't he just spare him the painful knowledge at least for now? He looked so happy, so driven, so purposeful and so hopeful. Albus couldn't bear to disappoint him. He couldn't bear to be the one to tell him this was all for nothing - at least for him.
Love had always interfered with 'the greater good' for Albus. He supposed one really must be able to disconnect oneself from their feelings to carry out the crimes Grindelwald had committed. Yet what should Albus do? It was a matter of saving wizardkind or saving one boy?
'Save Harry!' The stubborn voice in his head screamed at him on countless occasions. But he knew it was no good. He couldn't save Harry. And now Harry himself knew about the horcruxes, he would be severing the ties to his own life without any input from Albus at all.
The end was coming. The time was near. There would come a point, and it wouldn't be long now, Albus was sure of it, when Harry Potter would need to sacrifice his life for the greater good. He wondered how and when this would happen. He hoped he could be there. He'd like to support. It was the least he could do, after all.
/
One day, he gave Harry a list of items he thought the last missing horcrux could be.
Ron had succeeded in destroying Hufflepuff's cup with a basilisk fang in the end, and so it was just something of Ravenclaw's, the snake and Voldemort himself left to destroy.
Albus was glad Harry was taking on the task of hunting horcruxes so readily. Knowing what he knew, it was certainly difficult for Albus to push him into it.
He also seemed to have abandoned his search for the deathly hallows, for which Albus was proud and grateful. He certainly was a remarkable young man. Why was it that the best people had to die young?
He tried time and time again to come up with a way that he himself could sacrifice himself in Harry's place. Albus had lived a long life. He would gladly set it aside for a good cause.
But it wasn't possible. It had to be Harry. Because Voldemort had made it that way. What a cruel, cruel world…
"Ravenclaw's diadem." Hermione said, frowning at the top item on the list. "Isn't that lost?"
"Maybe he found it?" Ron suggested.
"Who might know?"
Of course Albus had a few ideas, but he wanted the teenagers to do this for themselves. And, to his great delight, they did.
"It's the diadem!" The three of them told Albus in delight.
They'd been to Hogwarts. Albus had helped them enter by stealth, as he knew his brother, Aberforth, had a direct link with the room of requirement, where some of the students were now choosing to live.
He and Aberforth had a somewhat strained relationship. He knew his brother had never forgiven him for the death of their sister all those years ago, but the two wizards had muddled along cordially enough since. And they helped one another out when it was really needed.
"That's excellent." He told Harry as the boy relayed his conversation with the Grey Lady to Albus. "So now we know what we're looking for."
"But where is it?!"
None of them had the answer to that.
Albus had told Harry that he didn't think Voldemort could feel it as the horcruxes were destroyed, but he had certainly found out Harry was hunting them.
Harry admitted that Bellatrix had noticed the sword of Gryffindor in his possession, which apparently Voldemort was keen to possess for himself. The witch must have told her master about it, for Harry said he was having visions of Voldemort visiting the old hiding places now. The Gaunt shack, the cave…
This concerned Albus greatly. If Voldemort knew they had discovered his secret he would certainly get more dangerous. He might even make more horcruxes. They needed to act fast. But how?
"Who can help?" Sirius asked him as he voiced his concerns to the man one day.
Albus shook his head. No one, was his immediate answer. There were already more people involved in the hunt for the horcruxes than he would have ever wanted.
But then he realised, trusting others and asking help had served him well. It was because he'd trusted Sirius with what he knew that he was still alive.
He sighed. "Minerva." He said eventually. "We can tell Minerva."
Minerva McGonagall, as he knew well from years of working together, was a practical, matter of fact sort of witch. She liked things done properly and she took time to do them well.
She had no patience for abstract ideas or silliness, but if there was something that needed doing, Albus knew she would do it.
"Will you speak to her?" He asked Sirius.
Sirius nodded and promised that he would.
Albus wasn't sure what outcome he would prefer. For them to find the diadem or for it never to be found again. But he quickly caught himself. No, this needed to happen. They had to destroy the horcruxes.
It was becoming harder and harder for Kingsley to hold onto power at the ministry. Every day there was an attempted attack and if it wasn't for the support from the Magical Congress, they'd have fallen long ago.
"It's awfully good of them." Arthur reported as he came to headquarters after a shift at the ministry. "They don't quite understand some of our customs…one of them made the worst cup of tea I've ever drank in my entire life the other day, but I smiled and thanked him nonetheless."
Albus was certainly very grateful for the help of the American wizards. They were good fighters, and had recently succeeded in capturing Rowle and Macnair during another attempt to break into the ministry.
It was harder for them to stop the disappearances and murders up and down the country. Albus knew ending Voldemort was really the only way to do that. He knew the time was getting nearer for Harry to make the ultimate sacrifice, but he enjoyed his time with the young man as best as he could while he still could.
"So Albus, tell us, what's the worst thing you've ever encountered in your time at Hogwarts?" Sirius said, grinning at him as he speared a chip on his fork.
Dinner time was usually a highly enjoyable affair for Albus. It varied who they had joining them, but tonight it was himself, Sirius, Remus, Nymphadora and Harry, Ron and Hermione of course.
Albus smiled at the question. "The worst thing? Why not the best thing?"
"Good news never sells." Remus said sagely.
"Am I writing for the Daily Prophet now?" Albus asked, still smiling.
He looked around the gathered witches and wizards who were all watching him eagerly.
"I suppose turning Tom Riddle down for the job of defence against the dark arts teacher had some fairly drastic results."
They all stared at him.
"Is that why you can't ever keep a teacher for more than a year?!" Ron asked in amazement.
"I believe so."
"Oh poor Moony!" Sirius said in mock indignation. "You gave him the job knowing something bad would happen to him!"
"I knew the job was jinxed." Remus said fairly. "A year's work was much better than none."
"Well that's good news for the Carrows then." Ron said. "They'll be out before the year is."
"They don't teach defence against the dark arts." Hermione corrected him.
"No, just the dark arts." Harry agreed.
Albus frowned. The sooner they could do something about that the better. Young minds were very impressionable.
"Well, that is pretty bad I suppose." Sirius conceded.
"What about the funniest thing ever?" Nymphadora suggested with a smile.
Albus smiled back at her. The woman really was getting very big now. It couldn't be long before their baby was due.
"Ah Nymphadora, I couldn't possibly say."
"Oh that's no fun!" The woman said as the others laughed.
Albus smiled again. "Well, you must promise not to tell anyone, but there was one time once with Professor Slughorn and the extra matured mead…"
"It really was quite a challenge to convince him to put his robes back on. Poor Professor Sprout was quite alarmed by it all I think." He finished as the others rolled around laughing.
Albus grinned. He was on a roll now, and decided it couldn't hurt to tell them about the time Charlie Weasley managed to smuggle a dragon into the school or when Bertha Jorkins had her ears transfigured into large erumpent horns by those she was constantly spying on.
"I must admit I was always rather taken by my students' creativity." He said, which he knew those at the table were well aware of. Under any other headmaster at least half of them here would have been expelled.
"But I would always draw the line at cruelty." He said, as he knew some of them also knew. "It was sometimes a hard line to navigate, but I liked to give students the benefit of the doubt."
"Do you miss it?" Nymphadora asked, as something in his tone must have sounded somewhat wistful.
He looked at her and nodded. "Yes. Every day."
He liked being here with them all at Grimmauld Place, but it certainly wasn't anything like being at Hogwarts.
Hogwarts had been his home for so many years now. He felt quite comfortable there, and he missed the students, his colleagues and his home comforts.
"Maybe when this is all over you can go back." Nymphadora suggested.
Albus sighed. He wasn't sure about that. In truth, he wasn't sure where he belonged anymore.
His role had always been to guide and support others, but he could see now that he no longer needed to do that. Sirius, Harry, Remus and the others were quite capable of managing the task of defeating Voldemort, and what about after that? Albus' main value had been his knowledge of how to defeat Voldemort.
He wondered now if Sirius was right. Did it somehow lessen him as a person now that others knew this too? And was he really so arrogant as for this to matter if it did?
He wasn't sure. And he supposed it didn't matter really. All that mattered was right now. This evening. And this happy, however brief, respite from the war they were all living through.
...
A/N: I'm afraid it's not long to go now! I'll get the next few chapters up quite quickly I think. Although I do feel rather like I'm destroying horcruxes myself... the more chapters I post, the closer we are to the end *sniffs*.
