A few days later Annie picked Allison up, "sorry this isn't the sit and get our nails done sister day, mama wants to do that with all the girls before you go back to school."
"I don't mind running errands with you," Allison said.
"It's all cabin stuff," Annie answered, "Costco, Target, dollar store. But first coffee. Starbucks?"
"The good place you and mom go to," Allison asked.
"It's over by the hospital," Annie said, "there's another one I like on the way if you want to try that."
"Sure," Allison agreed.
"What do you want to talk about," Annie asked.
"We can talk in the car," Allison said.
"We can," Annie agreed, "what did you want to talk about?"
"Can I ask you boy questions without you getting mad," Allison asked.
"Always," Annie promised, "and if you're wondering you can't get pregnant again right now."
"I don't want to go there," Allison said.
"Then what do you want to know," Annie asked.
"Is it safe for us to kiss and have our hands in other places," Allison asked.
"If it feels good, yes," Annie replied, "be careful of your bump, don't put weight on it but if it feels good you're okay."
"What about the other thing," Allison asked.
"Be safe about it," Annie said, "and unless you are sure this is what you want for a long time you don't have to."
"I like when he holds me and kisses me," Allison said.
"Then enjoy that bean," Annie smiled, "those things, cuddling, kissing, hugs that's all important and healthy in a relationship. You need that. Are you talking to him?"
"Yes," Allison said.
"Do you feel like you can tell him anything," Annie asked.
"Yes," Allison said, "most things."
"What don't you tell him," Annie asked.
"Some of my baby questions and the things about my body," Allison said.
"Tell him how you feel, what feels good, what does not," Annie said, "you can always ask mama and I when you have baby questions or about your body. Any time."
"When you had Ellie," Allison asked.
"I would go see mama after you went to bed," Annie said, "I'd sit with her on the couch and we'd talk. She'd make me tea and brownies."
"We do that after dinner," Allison said.
"Sometimes you just need her," Annie said, "tell her but you have to talk to Asher. He loves you."
"I love him, Nee but I'm scared," Allison said.
"It's okay to be scared," Annie replied, "I was so scared when I had Ellie. Talk to us. Talk to your family. Do you and Asher have plans tonight?"
"We both work," Allison said.
"Something fun while you're off school," Annie asked.
"We're coming to the cabin but he doesn't ski so we'll do our own thing," Allison said.
"Take our snowshoes," Annie said, "your snow gear will be okay. Go snowshoe with him and have a picnic."
"Really," Allison asked.
"Yes," Annie said, "what would he want for a picnic?"
"He likes burgers and tacos," Allison said.
"Then take wraps," Annie said, "and a thermos of cocoa."
"Did you ever," Allison asked.
"We used to a lot," Annie said, "we still do it for summer date nights."
"Are you sure we can use your snowshoes," Allison asked.
"Yes," Annie said, "we're going to be skiing with our kids. We can teach Asher if he wants to learn."
"Next year when I can ski," Allison said, "but who will stay with the baby?"
"We'll work it out then," Annie said, "mama usually only likes one ski day. Jenna doesn't ski."
"What did you do," Allison asked.
"Nana," Annie replied, "Jenna."
"Ellie and Cat are being weird," Allison said.
"They don't know how to handle it," Annie said, "they're learning two. Ellie will be 14 when you have your baby and Cat just turned 13."
"I don't feel like anyone gets me," Allison said.
"It's lonely," Annie agreed, "what can I do?"
"This," Allison said, "there's a group for teen moms but I don't know, I went once and I had nothing in common with the other girls."
"Try again," Annie suggested, "maybe a different group. Where was this group?"
"The community center by the hospital," Allison said.
"Try again," Annie said, "they don't have to be your best friends, you have Liv and Ava. but these girls might understand more of what you're going though. How are Liv and Ava?"
"Liv is good but Ava's mom doesn't trust me," Allison complained.
"I see two sides," Annie said, "as your big sister I hate it. I want your friends to be there for you and to celebrate with you, then as a mom I would be very concerned if you were one of Ellie's friends."
"Do you not want me to hang out with Ellie," Allison asked.
"No," Annie said, "you are going to hang out with Ellie as much as you both want to. I know Meg feels the same with Cat. The three of you have always had a good relationship, they can be lifelong friends if you let them."
"Do you have those," Allison asked.
"Yes, Shannon, Catherine and Alicia," Annie said, "you know them."
"From fishing," Allison said, "I won't go this year."
"You could," Annie said, "I brought Ellie at 14 months, Tyler was maybe 3 months."
"Asher is scared of boats," Allison said.
"Then we need to get him on the water," Annie said.
"How," Alison asked.
"In the summer we'll get you out on my dad's boat," Annie said.
"Baby," Allison said.
"Will be fine. Mine have all gone out under six months old," Annie said.
"Why are you easier to talk to sometimes than mom," Allison asked.
"I don't know," Annie said, "I think it's because I'm your sister. For me mama was easier to talk to than my mom. Even then I always had some boundaries with mama, parts of my life and relationships specifically she's never known about."
"How did she find out about you and Josh," ALlison asked.
"She came back to Seattle after working for a few years in Germany so she could work things out with Owen and have you," Annie said, "she let herself into the cottage and found Josh's stuff mixed with mine in our bedroom. I hadn't told her. She assumed Josh and I were in separate rooms but she was okay with it."
"How old were you," Allison asked.
"24," Annie replied, "bean she's protecting you. None of us want to see you get hurt. Mama is insanely protective. Your dad's nickname bear for her fits. She is fiercely protective of all of us and she can be a bit much at times I know. My kids tell me I'm acting like grandma when I do that. "
"No," Allison laughed.
"Sometimes," Annie said.
"Does she like being called grandma," Allison asked.
"She chose it," Annie said, "they chose grandma and grandpa. She was 50 and he was 47 when I had Ellie."
"Mom says she doesn't want to be chief of the hospital anymore," Allison said.
"Bean she's done that a long time the longest anyone has," Annie said, "I think Meg is going to apply."
"Why can you call her Meg but I have to call her auntie," Allison asked.
"She's my step aunt and only 16 years older than me," Annie said, "we were competing in the same championships for my first one. You know how the adult champions lead the under 10s at Seattle ?"
"Yes," Allison said.
"Meg started that with me. She was the first adult to lead an under ten," Annie explained, "I was 7."
"That's why nana has that picture up," Allison said.
"It is," Annie said, "there's a candid from that day that Dan has with Megan kneeling in the grass to look me in the eye and she's holding both my hands. You can actually see your dad in the background."
"Does mom know," Allison asked.
"She does," Annie replied, "she saw that picture a couple times at nanas before I met mama. There was one Christmas she saw me do the nutcracker. I was 16. She saw my old name in the program and thought it was me but wasn't legally able to call until I was 19."
"What would you have done," Allison asked.
Annie paused no one had ever asked her that, "hugged her. Asked a million questions."
"Was it hard knowing you had another mom," Allison asked.
"I always knew she was very young," Annie said, "my mom and dad made it sound like mama was a bit younger than she was. I was told that she picked Leslie and Dan for my parents because she loved me and that she would always love me. The choice mama made was her loving and protecting me."
"Was it hard," Allison asked.
"Sometimes," Annie said, "but they always did their best to make sure I knew mama had told me she loved me when Leslie and Dan picked me up. My middle name was Grace because they heard mama call me that. Mama has a gift of being one of the most loving people I've ever met. She loves her family and is fiercely loyal and protective. She doesn't always show that love to herself. I think something about my bio father is on her mind and she'll only talk to Owen about that."
"She's been quiet," Allison said.
"There's lots to her story we will never know," Annie said, my bio father, 9/11."
"She lost the first Allison," Allison said.
"She did," Annie said, "war for all of them. Our family has been through a lot. Most of it before you were born."
"Who was Henry," Allison asked.
"Full of questions today," Annie said, "he was my first step dad. I was 19 when I met him and 21 when he passed. He had the biggest smile and this laugh that made you laugh with him even if it wasn't funny. Henry was the instigator of waffle mornings when I would come down from UBC to visit. He called me kiddo. My first day of med school mama was in the or most of the day and he texted me 25 times to make sure I was okay and making friends."
"Did mom love him," Allison asked.
"Yes," Annie said, "and he loved her. New Years my first year of med school Chris and I were at the cabin and we had the biggest snowball fight with your mama, Owen, Henry and Christina. They beat Chris and I badly."
"You got her young and fun," Allison said.
"Different expirences," Annie said, "you get everyday with her."
"Was it hard to have to meet her for the first time," Allison asked.
"I was nervous but it felt right," Annie said, "she met me in the library at UBC. Then she hugged me like no one had hugged me before. Why are you asking all this?"
"Adoption keeps running though the back of my brain," Allison said.
"It's your choice," Annie said, "43 years ago things were much more secretive then they are now. Most adoptions were closed."
"What if Asher doesn't stay," Allison asked.
"The rest of us will," Annie promised, "Allison we will always be here to love you. If Asher chooses poorly we will support you. Is her pressuring you to look at adoption?"
"No," Allison said, "people at school have. I could just be a normal college kid if I do."
"They will always be in your heart," Annie said.
"That's what mom said," Allison replied, "she said there wasn't a day she didn't wonder about you and pray for you."
"I know," Annie said, "have you told her your thinking about it?"
"She said to talk to you and get your side," Allison said.
"It wasn't always easy and it took me having my own kids to understand her choices," Annie replied, "I didn't understand that it wasn't something I did or didn't do. For a while I thought it was something I did or I wasn't enough for her. It was her loving me. I was the one who didn't understand. I'm seeing Catrina have a much easier time than I did because her birth mom is in her life. My story is a product of when I was born and who raised me more than mama. It's mama who got me through the hardest times in my life."
"She doesn't really talk about it," Allison said.
"She won't," Annie replied, "she's mama. She wants to protect us us much as she can. She holds her own emotions back to protect us. She thinks she has to be strong and tough for us all the time. She's gotten better."
"She cried telling me about giving you up ," Allison said, "she regrets it."
"I know," Annie said, "her and my story is complicated."
"Why," Allison asked.
"My adoption, her years in the army and Germany," Annie said, "Henry."
"Dad," Allison asked.
"I met him the same day I met mama," Annie said, "he was her best friend. The summer I was 19 I was really injured and in the hospital by grandmeres where we went to see her when she was sick. I had come out of a trauma surgery as the paitent and he he was there with mama promising it was okay and telling me uncle Owen was there."
"He chose uncle Owen," Allison asked.
"He did," Annie replied, "that's also when I started calling her mama. She had been Teddy or auntie Teddy until that point."
"Mom says that the moment you hold your baby you fall in love with them," Allison said, "is that true?"
"Yes," Annie said, "it gets no less magical with each new baby. I had no idea I could love like that bean. It's amazing. Our shopping. Target first then costco."
They walked through target grabbing the things from Annie's list.
"Treats Allison," Annie asked, "my kids gave me a list. I texted Leo, Cat and Faroke. You're with me so your choosing your treats and Ashers."
"Why are you doing all the shopping," Allison asked.
"Because I do all the meal planning as well," Annie said, "I have the picky eaters."
"You are the picky eater," Allison said.
"Some times," Annie said, "you're shopping with me. Everyone else pays me back it's easier for breakfasts and lunches."
"Dad is making and freezing a couple lasagnes," Allison said.
"He always does," Annie said, "I'm doing tourtiere."
"Do you know what auntie Meg is doing," Allison asked.
"She's doing greek," Annie said, "breakfast, lunch, 2 dinners and snacks? We're there 5 nights but only 2 ski days."
"Two ski days," Allison said, "that's it?"
"I'm getting old, three or four will hurt," Annie said.
"Old," Allison asked.
"I danced until med school," Annie said, "and the injuries I had add up."
"Mom only skis one," Allison said, "she's getting old."
"64 this year," Annie said, "I'll be 43."
"She could retire," Allison asked.
"She says shes not ready," Annie said, "she wants to research."
"Dr Webber died in the hospital," Allison said.
"Webber worked until he was nearly 80 then didn't live long after," Annie said.
"Why," Allison asked.
"I wasn't on his case," Annie said, "he had pancreatic cancer it was fast."
"How old was he," Allison asked.
"85 or 86," Annie said, "you're not to get worked up about nana. I snuck a look at her blood work. She's okay. Her numbers look good."
"She's old," Allison said.
"Nearly 90," Annie agreed, "she's doing okay. She was good the other day."
"She's so excited for the baby," Allison said.
"Nana always is," Annie said, "enjoy it."
"Mom said to savour the time with her," Allison said.
"Exactly," Annie replied, "soak it all up. All her wisdom and love. I wish I had done more of that when Grandmere got sick. Soak up all the nana love you can."
"Grandmere got to meet your kids," Allison said.
"She did," Annie said, "nana will meet your baby. She will see her great grandchild and the only one that has her DNA."
"Mom's parents," Allison said.
"Never got to know any of her kids," Annie said, "her mom saw me but mom said she never even got to hold me. Mama is healthy and younger. She's in her 60s shes healthy and has lots of energy."
"Her mom had a stroke," Allison said, "younger than mom is."
"Mama is healthy," Annie said, "she's active and takes care of herself."
"My baby," Allison said.
"Mama will see your baby graduate med school," Annie said, "so will Owen."
"Med school," Allison said, "who says med school?"
"What are you going to do," Annie asked.
"I want to teach," Allison said, "french like madame garneau and grandmere."
"Do it," Annie smiled, "grandmere would be proud. Will you speak french to your baby?"
"Yes," Allison said, "can I sing your songs?"
"Yes," Annie said, "grandmere sang them to all of us. I sang them to all of my babies. My kids know them. That's how the songs live on."
"I want them to hear the songs and stories," Allison said.
"I will sing them with you," Annie said, "so will my kids. Ask Chris to."
"Chris hasn't said much," Allison said.
"That's my brother," Annie said, "he's quiet but he loves you. Chris will be around."
"Are they coming to the cabin," Allison asked.
"No," Annie said, "he's working."
"Faroke's girlfriend is coming," Allison said.
"I know," Annie replied, "you can trust her."
"Shes an OB resident," Allison said.
"Yes," Annie answered.
"I still can't believe Faroke is looking at plastic surgery," Allison said.
"His choice," Annie said, "we all make our choices."
"Annie, what if my baby isn't okay," Allison asked.
"Then we will get them all the help they need," Annie said, "they'll be so loved and wanted."
"Will mom be okay with it," Allison asked.
"Mama will fight so hard for your baby because that's how she is," Annie said, "she will never give up and I will never give up. You will never give up because that's what we do for our kids. Why are you worrying? Has something come up?"
"No," Allison said, "I'm never normal. I'm sad and tired or really scared."
"Sad and tired is your depression," Annie said, "are you still going to counseling?"
"Once a week," Allison said.
"Good," Annie said, "is it helping?"
"Some times," Allison said, "it's a lot going on."
"It is," Annie agreed, "you can always talk to me."
"I know you tell me all the time," Allison said.
"You still have to tell me what you and Asher want for treats," Annie said.
"Sour gummies," Allison said, "lots of sour gummies."
"And," Annie asked, "what does Asher like?"
"Chips," Allison said, "he doesn't have a sweet tooth."
"Are you okay with him coming," Annie asked.
"I want him to," Allison said.
"I think we're doing boys in the loft and girls in the open room," Annie said.
"I'm on the twin in mom and dads," Allison said, "I don't know if I want to be with Ellie and Cat."
"Why not," Annie asked.
"I get up a few times at night and I'm not normal anymore," Allison said.
"They're your cousins," Annie said, "if you want to be with them and have your sleep over do. Hang out with them, giggle and whisper about boys."
"I want to be close to mom," Allison said.
"Okay," Annie said, "let me check out here then were on to our last stop."
Walking back to the van Allison asked, "why did you bring me today?"
"You needed time with me," Annie said, "I know I get caught up in my kids and work and you feel left out sometimes. I love you."
"I understand," Allison said.
"I know but I feel bad," Annie said, "you're my sister."
"Who is closer in age to our mom," Allison said.
"I know," Annie smiled, "our aunt is only 16 years older than me."
"Leo will only be 19 years older than my baby," Allison said.
"True," Annie said, "how are things with him?"
"He reeks of pot all the time," Allison complained.
"Mama hasn't said anything," Annie said.
"Mom and dad don't smell it," Allison replied, "I think he uses it a lot."
"I'll watch at the cabin," Annie promised, "are you getting a long better?"
"I'm trying he's not," Allison said.
"Keep trying," Annie suggested, "brothers are hard. They don't talk about emotions or feelings. They'll show you. Chris beat up my first boyfriend."
"Josh," Allison said.
"There were boys before Josh," Annie said.
"Why is there so much I don't know," Allison asked.
"Age gap and a lot was before you were born," Annie said, "you've only known me with Josh."
"I can't imagine anything else," Allison said.
"Neither can I," Annie said.
"Will I find my forever," Allison asked.
"You will," Annie promised, "when it's the right time."