Pure Hands Part Nine
The newly minted Baron Humbert von Gikkingen was nervous. Not because of what was expected of him very shortly, but of his bride's reaction when he told her it wouldn't happen.
He couldn't help wishing again that he'd been given more time on how to handle more or less getting forced to marry when he was nothing resembling ready for marriage after such a bitter disappointment, but King Lune was almost as good at listening to protests as his own uncle.
He'd been able to avoid being alone with his wife on the ride to his new baronetcy thanks to riding on a horse instead of in the carriage with her, but he could feel the moment descending like a harbinger of doom when he'd have to break the news to her.
It helped that she didn't start clinging to him like a desperate child, but the signs of attraction were obvious to literally anyone that she was happy about being chosen for him. He had turned away more women in Yrael than he cared to think about, but the ones he took the least delight in were the girls that didn't feel entitlement to his person. Ones that seemed genuinely to feel for him, even when he felt nothing but pity.
Humbert sighed through his nose to keep from alerting his new soldiers of his melancholy. He was well aware that he was likely going to need to start a family with Haru at some point, but not now. He needed more time to grieve the life he knew, and the life he'd never know.
His new castle approached the company at about sunset, as was expected from the time they left the capital. His stomach clenched painfully as the drawbridge was lowered, and the company entered the courtyard to see every servant waiting outside to greet them.
The introductions came as a blur, as did the greetings and congratulations for both his new rank and marriage.
Before he was fully aware of which room he was standing in, he realized it was the honeymoon suite, and it was only him and his new bride, who was smiling nervously at him.
It was now or never.
"Lady Haru, I'm afraid that I must make a confession," he forced out before he lost his nerve. "I'm exiled because I fell in love with my uncle's intended, and he did not relent for us as I thought he would."
That smile immediately faded away, and her large brown eyes became hurt.
"King Lune was aware, but he insisted on this marriage. I am sorry, please know that you bare the blame for nothing," he bade her before turning and running back to the door to escape the claustrophobic guilt.
His hand was on the doorknob when he suddenly felt a violent push from behind that he wasn't expecting from two small hands. On reflex he whirled around and grabbed his assailant's wrists before slamming her into the door.
Unlike the sweet demeanor he'd seen before, Haru's face was as hard as flint, and even her eyes seemed as cold as ice as she looked at him with a small grunt of surprise and pain at being forcibly introduced to the door. There was some fear at his reaction, but there was far more rage in her features. "Either you let me say my piece too, or so help me, I'll go back to the capital in the morning to have this marriage annulled on false pretenses," she threatened with a snarling voice, making him blink in confusion.
This was the last thing he was expecting from Lune's stories of a literal angel. But now that his racing instincts recognized that she wasn't a threat, he slowly released her wrists and took a step back to give her breathing room.
"That is a terrible shame, I'm sorry for your loss. Is there a way we can be friends and allies instead?" she asked calmly, though still with a fierce tightness in her tone. It almost sounded like a recitation, though she was clearly not expecting what he had told her.
Humbert blinked. "You would be content with that?" he asked incredulously.
"I'd be a lot more content with that than with however long you were planning to make me wait while you mourn or if you're planning to only wait until your uncle is dead," she stated point blank while crossing her arms impatiently. "Well? Are you going to answer me?"
Humbert swallowed hard, not entirely sure what to make of her complete change of demeanor. "Yes, I would be delighted for a friend and ally. But you're wrong about my uncle, he made sure I knew before I was run out of Yrael that he paid an unknown number of assassins in advance if I try what you suggested."
"That's a pity but thank you for telling me that. It's a good thing I was prepared for if you were shy," Haru sighed, walking around him and pulling up one sleeve as she marched to the bed.
Once he saw the glint of steel strapped to her arm, he rushed to intervene. "I'll take care of it," he insisted, firmly taking the little knife from her.
"It's not any trouble if it means avoiding the servants pestering us about it," she protested stiffly, reaching for the knife again.
He used his head and a half more of height to hold it out of her grasp with a firm expression, setting it on a high bookshelf she wouldn't be able to reach. "It's my responsibility," Humbert insisted again as he began taking off the thick vest and flowing shirt before grabbing the knife again. He couldn't resist noting with surprised pleasure that Haru turned her back on the chance to see his bare chest. "Besides, I've had many talks with my father about how to fake it if the opportunity arose for me."
Haru's head rose a little. "I heard some unsavory rumors about noble and royal wedding nights in Yrael," she stated carefully as she began unpinning the long veil from her hair.
"They're true, unfortunately. It broke my mother," he confessed with regret while pulling back the covers and marking where the stain would be if it were genuine. "I still feel cheated about not getting to know her as Father did. He did try to explain to my uncle that her mind wouldn't recover from the humiliation, but the king did not care."
Haru sniffed angrily while tossing her veil on a nearby chair. "He sounds like a dirty old man that doesn't deserve to be married."
"You have summarized it accurately," he congratulated her as he sat on the edge of the bed, nicked his shoulder with her knife, and laid down to let the bedsheet absorb his blood. "But he was fond of me, which is why I let myself think he'd allow me to marry Louise instead."
Haru still didn't turn around to look at him, but she was moving her head slightly as if trying to stare at everything else in the line of vision that was opposite of him as she used her fingers to start unraveling the complicated style her hair was woven into. "I wear nightgowns because I sometimes sleepwalk. I'm not opposed to adopting a peasant baby or pretending we can't have children and hoping my brother has more than one."
Baron blinked in surprise. "Why didn't I consider that?" he asked himself furiously.
"You didn't?" she asked with surprise. "Didn't you have any plans about being married if it wasn't a good match?"
"… I tried avoiding thinking about it as much as possible," he confessed. "After growing up with Mother's mental state the way it was and being chased by women who didn't care one way or another as long as they could wear me down, I was strongly thinking of entering the priesthood before meeting Louise."
Haru hummed, but he could hear the disappointment loud and clear. "So you won't be offended if I take in one or two cats for my emotional needs?"
"Of course not," he assured her, though there was a stab of guilt again that she had clearly given a lot of thought to marriage, and even had backup plans neatly categorized in case the marriage was less than what she was hoping for. "I am sorry if Lune gave you other impressions about me."
"Not as sorry as I am. He could have just told me the truth and told me to pick some consolation prizes if he was that determined to marry us off," she grumbled mutinously, making him flinch with guilt again. "But at least I'll have running the castle to keep me busy."
Humbert blinked. "Are you sure you can handle it?" 'I never thought the day would come when a girl would want consolation prizes for being my wife.'
She laughed bitterly while opening a chest and rifling through it before pulling out a plain muslin nightgown. "After all the instruction I received from my mother, I better be able to handle it. Father never let her manage his estate because he thinks women have nothing between the ears but clouds and daydreams, no matter how she tried to show him differently." She flung the nightgown over one shoulder and headed to a dressing screen that had been tucked into a corner like it wasn't expected to see any use.
Humbert's expression immediately darkened. "I may have to challenge your father to a duel next time I see him. He more or less said the same about you today, and I was prepping myself to do both of our jobs."
Haru's head whipped around to give him an incredulous look right before disappearing behind the screen. "Are you insane?!" she demanded in shock. "You'd never have time to sleep, much less do the extra tasks the king's clearly itching to give to you!"
Humbert grimaced, since he knew she was on the mark. "That's why I want to challenge your father. I don't appreciate lying over something that wouldn't affect him either way."
"Except being wrong. Nothing offends him worse than being proven wrong, even if he won't acknowledge the fact," Haru noted while rolling her eyes in exasperation. "For someone that told me directly that he wants grandchildren, he sure went out of his way to make it as unlikely as possible."
Baron couldn't resist cursing himself out in his mind. "My apologies. I have a lot more experience with women being unreasonable than being reasonable."
Haru must have noticed that she was looking at him without his shirt on, because she was raising a hand to cover her eyes while turning away again and stepping behind the screen. "Just don't try that little stunt of saying something important and running away again. I have a lifetime's worth of practice handling disappointments, so I'm not likely to react in a way you can't handle."
He flinched at the hated word, even though he knew he deserved it. "As you wish."
ooOoo
The Baron Humbert von Gikkingen had to admit, being married wasn't anywhere as terrible as he'd long told himself. Haru was more than happy to stay on her side of the bed and address him as 'dear' when in front of company to keep the servants from getting suspicious about how warm the relationship actually was. It was aided by the fact that she enjoyed horseback riding as much as he did, so they had a set amount of time every morning when they would spend together, if not saying a word to each other.
The downside was that it didn't feel like a marriage, per say. Despite Haru's talk of friendship on their wedding night, her attitude was cordial and formal. If anything, it felt like he'd gone through an elaborate ceremony to gain a highly competent second in command.
True to her word, she was more than suited to running the castle whether or not he was called on this or that difficult task by his new king. It was a comfort to have someone that could take care of the people he presided over, and all of her reports were clear that she tolerated nothing that he himself wouldn't.
Theoretically, it was a better marriage than he'd let himself hope for, but it was hard not to feel lonely, knowing that he wasn't alone on the large bed, but she was cuddling on her side with pillows and the mangy kitten she'd taken the first morning in their baronetcy. It felt… unfair that she was taking solace when he had no one and couldn't have anyone. He gave some thought to also taking a pet, but with how busy he was, he just knew that the animal would take to Haru since she was in a better position for constant love and attention. The only thing to make nights worse would be if Haru had two animals sleeping on her while he stayed alone on his side.
There was a way to fix it, he knew. But was his heart ready to make his marriage a real one?
It was five months after their wedding day that he entered their chambers to see her staring at a letter between her hands.
"Is it from your father?" he asked while checking the temperature of the tea pot next to her.
"… No, it's from Yuki," Haru managed after it filtered into her mind that he'd asked a question. "She's pregnant."
Baron started in surprise. "How wonderful, an heir. I imagine the king will be announcing it at the tournament next month if you weren't told to spread the word."
"I was not, that is the king's plan, and I assume you know to be discreet." Her tone was a lot sadder than he'd expected, making him look at her again.
Her face was a terrible mix of emotions. She was clearly happy for her cousin, but there was also a sad resentment. The spotted cat on her shoulder started licking her chin in a bid to make her feel better.
'She wants a baby as well,' he couldn't help concluding a bit guiltily. 'Perhaps they'd even discussed raising their children to be as close as them.'
It would be easier if the children were about the same age, but Baron wasn't ready for such a step. Even if he were ready, it'd be smarter at this point to wait for Haru's lunar cycle to cover for the trick on their wedding night, and the last thing he was interested in doing was asking specific questions that he didn't really want answers to.
Well, he was certain he wasn't ready for everything they'd carefully concealed from the world, but he was ready for a real friend. Not an ally.
Perhaps that wasn't the right way to put his wish.
He was still thinking about it at bedtime, after he was already in bed and Hiromi had finished making sure that Haru was comfortable on her side.
As agreed, both of them were close to the center of the bed, and the baron had taken the earliest opportunity to wrap his arm around his wife as usual. "That will be all, Hiromi," he stated, making the maid immediately vacate the room with a wide grin that said clearly why she thought he wanted privacy.
The second the large door clamped shut, Haru started wiggling to retreat to her side of the bed as usual, but unlike every other time, Humbert held fast.
"Can we talk?" he whispered into her ear as he turned on his side to hold her better.
She froze at the question. "No, I don't want to have a baby with someone that doesn't want me and will be thinking of another woman the whole time."
Baron blushed at the accusation. "Nothing so forward, I promise."
Though her spotted companion growled his protest, Haru reluctantly turned her body to face his in the near darkness. She didn't say anything, but the silence was expectant.
Baron chewed on his lower lip before trying to voice his concerns. "You asked me that night if we could be friends and allies instead. We've been allies right enough, but we haven't really been… friends."
He could feel her shrug more than see it.
"Resentment, I suppose. I'm still angry about getting promised everything I ever wanted, and only find out when it's too late that I swallowed a fishhook. I know you didn't promise me those things-"
"Technically I did," he reminded her sadly. "Cleave unto no others till death do you part? I did not walk into this marriage with the right mindset, and you've made it clear that you did."
The pillow rustled as she moved her head to look down from his gaze. "You were also forced to marry me by the king. I don't think it means the same when you didn't willingly agree to be married, least of all to me."
Baron breathed long and slowly through his nose before spitting out his wish. "Is there a way we can make this a real marriage?"
Haru stiffened under his grasp. "Don't say things unless you mean them," she warned, no longer whispering.
He held her a little tighter as her cat made itself comfortable on her pillow. "I mean it," he promised.