As he let himself fall down to the couch, three things were at the coffee table in front of him: the secure phone, Audrey's business card and the vial. He looked around in the apartment, finding it even emptier than before. Nearly all his stuff was already packed up in boxes, ready to be brought away. He had to leave some, unimportant, things back here, like clothes and kitchen supplies, not to attract any attention. Maybe Salazar would send some men to snoop around here.
Today, he had brought away all the stuff that could compromise his cover. The few things that tied him to CTU, or to his past assignments, the family stuff which could compromise Kim.
It was empty here.
When he had arrived back from the deposit, right after he had opened up the door, the vial had started to shout at him again: HERE I AM. I AM HERE. IN YOUR REACH.
He looked at it.
He had all the stuff here, that he'd need. A rubber band, a few needles. He had bought the stuff to hide it here, to support his cover, if anyone of Salazar's men ever came here. They'd expect to find stuff like that here.
Was he insane, really thinking of trying this? Drugs? There had to be a red line, one that he wouldn't cross for the sake of a cover. On what side of the red line was trying drugs?
He grabbed the phone instead and dialed her number. After all, he had promised to call her back.
Audrey Raines, she spoke, as she picked up.
Hi, it's me again, he stammered, adding, Jack… Bauer. He didn't know how much he'd have to say until she'd recognize his voice.
Hey. She stood up from her chair and went back over to the window. That was her favorite position, for having private or secret phone calls. She'd be out of sight, if anyone opened up the door to her office without knocking. How are you?
I'm fine. Just cleared out my apartment. They're gonna evict it in one and a half months.
Evict it?
Yeah. It wouldn't support my cover story if I still payed the rent for an apartment in LA, though I fled the states, would it?
Right. She hadn't thought that this cover story would affect his real life so deeply. Will you get it back, afterwards?
I don't know. I guess not, it's gonna be a normal eviction. Probably someone else will rent it. He didn't care too much about that place. After Teri's death, he had sold the house and had bought an apartment for Kim. The rest of the money he'd put on a numbered Swiss bank account, far away from anyone's reach. He had taken this apartment because it was quite close to Kim's and far enough away from CTU. But there were no emotional ties to this place. Nothing great had happened here, except for a few nights that he'd spent with Kate.
How are you, really?
The question totally caught him off-guard. Fine. How else should I be?
She sighed. Well, when I talked to you for the last time ... I already expected you to say that you already tried.
Tried what?
You know exactly what I mean.
Of course he knew.
No, I didn't, he answered. Really not.
I'm glad.
Are you?
Yes.
What made you believe I already tried it?
The things you said before. You sounded like you were afraid that if you didn't try, your cover would blow. And furthermore, she knew what execution stage 2 meant. It meant that he had already contacted one of Salazar's dealers, buying drugs. Getting access to the stuff was not the problem anymore.
I still am.
He leant back, but kept the vial in sight. It was good to talk to Audrey. He needed someone that he could talk to, and he had nobody else. Talking to someone, he could bring his own thoughts into order again. Michelle, Tony or Chase would abort the mission right away if they knew about his thoughts. Never in his whole life would he want to talk to Kim about that. He had broken up with Kate a week ago. That was not an option either.
Then abort the mission Jack, please. Nobody will blame you for that.
We never had such a good chance of getting a lead to Uzaghi and his clients.
That's not worth ruining your body or getting yourself killed.
I've risked my life for less.
Silence. On both ends of the line. They were drowned in thoughts.
He finally told her his thoughts. The DEA doctor told me that going cold turkey for the first time is worse than the following times. It takes about 15 days to recover while it will only take 4 or 5 days when you do it again.
She could hear what he was really saying with it. So the Salazar's would have a possibility of finding out whether you were a user or not, by making you go cold turkey and counting the days?
Exactly.
Abort the mission, I beg you to do it.
No… we will never get those chances again. And the rest of the cover story is perfect.
She stood there, looking out of her window, trying to imagine where he was right now. He was at the other side of the continent, but yet she felt like she was sitting in the same room with him. When she had given him her number, she had actually thought that he'd call her in six months, probably confessing that being undercover had made him become an addict. But she hadn't thought that she'd be talking to him, discussing beforehand whether he should get himself addicted or not.
We're insane even to talk about this, she said.
No, we're not. We're only realistic. A month ago this all seemed so far away that I didn't even see the problem. The closer the date gets that I'll go down to Mexico, the more I realize that I don't even know what's it gonna be like. I listened to all their descriptions but I guess I won't ever know until it happens.
He was't only afraid of the possibility that the Salazar's could make him go cold turkey to count the days. He even feared that they'd find out about his fake right away, when they'd shoot him up for the first time.
It was not a 'possible scenario' any more. By now, he realized that this was about to happen. No matter if he tried it beforehand or not.
They're gonna drug me. That's a sure thing.
She didn't want to repeat herself over and over again, telling him to abort the mission. Are you gonna let them do it?
Yes. They can't afford to let it go out of control, if I work for them. They'll only test me.
He took a deep breath, finally saying what had been on his mind for the whole day. I need to know what I'm facing.
So you wanna try now?
He just couldn't get himself to say something like 'yes'. It would be safer, I guess. I can't afford to get my first high when I'm surrounded by Mexican drug lords, playing the experienced user.
She had never thought that she'd say this. You sound like you thought this through. I can't believe I'm really saying this.
He had to smile when he heard her. And you're not gonna get DoD to abort the mission?
No. I don't have that kind of power.
And you're not gonna call CTU?
No. Scout's honor.
He reached out for the vial and took it into his hands. I can't believe I'm having this kind of conversation.
Me neither.
He looked at the transparent liquid. He'd need to get one of the needles… they were in his bathroom closet. And the rubber band. After a few moments, he had collected everything that he needed and returned to the sofa. I must be insane, he murmured, to do this. To even think about this.
A laughter escaped her lips. Yes. Maybe you should step back and think about it once more before you really do this.
I probably should. His heart was in his mouth as he looked at the things on the table, right in front of him.
Jack? she asked, after they had stayed silent for a while.
Yes?
How much are you gonna take?
I don't know. Just a little bit, and if I don't feel anything maybe a little more.
He took one of the needles and unpacked it. It all felt surreal. He grabbed the vial and stung through the rubber top, drawing a little bit of the colorless liquid into the barrel. Another step closer. He put the prepared syringe down on the table, staring at it.
What are you doing right now?, she asked. He hadn't said anything in such a long time that she feared he had already done it.
I just prepared everything.
Okay. Nothing was okay. How could she just watch him do this? Do you really, absolutely, one hundred percent, think that they will use drugs on you?
Yes.
Do you really, absolutely, one hundred percent, think that you need to do this in order to survive that mission?
Yes, I do.
I want you to take an hour of time to think about this Jack. You can still abort the mission. We'll find another lead to Uzaghi. Think about it.
He felt his knees shaking when he looked at the needle, and when he thought of going undercover in Mexico.
One hour. I'll call you in one hour, she said, don't do anything until then.
.
.
.