Chapter 20
The mouse gave a final squeak before it went limp in Starrypaw's jaws. She dug a small hole and carefully covered it up with the cold, damp soil.
It was two days after Shrewhunter's confrontation with Starrypaw, and the sun hadn't broken from behind the clouds for even a moment, making leafbare even colder. It had also rained without stopping the day before. To Starrypaw's relief, so far today it hadn't rained, but a bright, gray, overcast sky made the day dreary.
As she pounced on a vole, Starrypaw felt a heavy weight on her heart. She couldn't stop her mind from wandering to Shrewhunter, and he hadn't spoken to her since their argument. At the beginning of that day, she couldn't have imagined life without knowing what had happened to him. Now, she realized him being upset with her was even worse.
"Starrypaw! Ready to head back?" Dustpelt rounded the corner, mumbling through a small finch.
Starrypaw nodded, carefully grasping her vole and heading back to dig up the mouse.
When she had rejoined the patrol, Squirrelpaw, who was finally better enough to get back to apprentice duties, padded up beside her.
"Hey!" she exclaimed, "that's a fairly good sized vole you caught! It's hard to find anything that isn't just skin and bones these days."
Starrypaw threw her a grateful glance, but she didn't speak. In reality, she didn't want to.
"Do you think you feel good enough to start battle training anytime soon, Squirrelpaw?" Dustpelt asked, relieving Starrypaw of the need to respond.
Squirrelpaw hesitated, seemingly trying to give herself a once over. Her worst injury was still slightly visible: a deep wound on her thigh close to her tail.
"The wound still stings, but I feel like some light moves would be okay," she replied.
"Didn't Cinderpelt say no battle training until next week after the gathering?" Graystripe broke in.
Starrypaw's stomach clenched at the thought of the gathering. She hadn't gone last moon, meaning she was sure to go next week. She wanted to never run into Hawkfrost under any circumstance, but she was positive that he'd be there.
"I'm not sure," Dustpelt said, "Cinderpelt never spoke about that to me."
"Then I'll be sure to ask her to let you know," Graystripe resolved.
Dustpelt nodded, ending the conversation and leaving the rest of the walk silent. In the meantime, Starrypaw's mind whirled.
Once they arrived back at camp, Starrypaw and Squirrelpaw settled down to eat after bringing some food to the elders.
"I've been meaning to ask you," Squirrelpaw began, swallowing a piece of mouse, "what was Bluestar like? I know that she and Firestar were super close, but the elders said she went crazy."
An image of Bluestar's face crossed Starrypaw's mind as she swallowed her food to answer. "I don't know. I mean, she's just like any other leader I guess. She seems smart, and kind. I don't really think she was crazy." Starrypaw paused, gazing across the clearing before continuing. "Basically all of those dreams had something scary happening, so I wasn't really focused on Bluestar, you know?"
Squirrelpaw nodded. "It's just weird to me that Bluestar would choose you specifically."
Starrypaw shrugged. "Beats me."
Suddenly, Starrypaw perked up her ears and lifted her head as Shrewhunter slipped out of the medicine cat's den, limping towards the fresh kill pile. They made eye contact for a split second, but Shrewhunter jerked his head away.
Starrypaw lowered her head and stared at the ground somberly. She could feel Squirrelpaw's gaze boring into her, and she knew she was worried about her.
Out of the corner of her eye, Starrypaw watched Shrewhunter limp back into the medicine den, and her heart ached all the more.
"Starrypaw."
She jerked her head up to see Firestar trotting up to her, Ferncloud's three kits bounding after him.
Swallowing her sadness, Starrypaw pricked her ears to show she was listening.
"The kits won't stop begging me if they can have another training session. I know it's been a while, but I was wondering if you'd be willing to do a bit of work with them again today," the ThunderClan leader explained.
Starrypaw's spirits lifted at the thought of hanging out with the kits. "Of course!"
The kits were now three moons old, and their legs and tails had grown long and lanky. They scampered around Firestar and slid to a stop in front of Starrypaw.
"We want to practice our moves again!" Birchkit exclaimed.
"Well with an actual apprentice," Larchkit added, throwing her brother a mischievous glance. "We've been practicing with eachother, but Birchkit is a far cry from a warrior!"
"Hey! You take that back!"
"I can't take something back that's true!"
"You're gonna pay for that!"
Birchkit crouched down, wriggling his haunches while Larchkit watched him smugly. As Birchkit launched himself, Firestar placed his paw softly on the kit's tail, knocking him onto the ground.
"If you two want to be warriors at all you'll behave," Firestar said sternly but not with anger.
Larchkit stood up straighter and nodded while Birchkit mumbled a "sorry" as he scrambled to his paws.
Starrypaw let her gaze fall on Hollykit, who was the quietest kit of the bunch. She watched her siblings from the sidelines a lot, and she had tended to be more easily overcome in their training practices.
She reminds me of me when I was a kit, Starrypaw thought, wondering if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
"Alright then," Starrypaw began. "We'll get to it, Firestar."
Firestar closed his eyes and gave a quick nod. "Thank you, Starrypaw." He turned to Squirrelpaw. "Squirrelpaw, would you mind helping Brackenfur and Thornclaw on expanding the warriors' den? We're going to make it bigger and stronger as we continue to add more and more warriors to ThunderClan."
Their voices faded as Starrypaw led the kits to where she used to do practices with them, which was in front of the elders' and apprentices' den.
"What do you guys wanna work on first? I'll let you decide," Starrypaw said, sitting neatly on her haunches and wrapping her tail around her paws.
"Let's do that leap-and-hold one you let us do on you! That's my favorite, but we're all basically the same size, so it's hard to do on eachother," Larchkit suggested excitedly.
"No, I wanna do the front paw strike!" Birchkit argued, slashing his front paw through the air.
Starrypaw stifled a purr of amusement. "What about you, Hollykit?" she asked, turning to the quiet kit.
Hollykit's tail twitched thoughtfully. "I'm not sure. I don't think I really have a preference."
"Alright then," Starrypaw said, standing, "we'll do both."
Starrypaw realized how much she'd missed teaching the kits as she watched and helped them practice their moves. If it's this much fun without being super serious, then I can't imagine how exciting it would be having an actual apprentice, she thought to herself, but she shook her head. I need to actually be a warrior first before I start thinking about that.
After quite a while, the kits looked tuckered out, and although she could hardly see the sun due to the clouds, Starrypaw was sure it was past sunhigh.
"Well that's it for today." Starrypaw felt pride swelling in her chest as if the kits were her own. "You guys did great! Let me know when you want to do this again!"
Birchkit and Hollykit bounded towards the nursery where Ferncloud was sitting and had been watching them. Larchkit, however, trotted up to Starrypaw.
"Thanks, Starrypaw," she said. "You're going to be a great mentor when you're a warrior."
She nuzzled Starrypaw's chest before running after her siblings, and Starrypaw watched her go with love. There was a tiny longing inside of her to be Larchkit's mentor specifically. The little kit had so much potential.
A cold drop of water splashed onto her nose, causing her to flinch and snapping her back to reality.
Unfortunately we can't relax in camp and daydream about the future, Starrypaw thought, trotting over to the highrock. If we want to survive, we've got a lot of work to do.
A faint, eerie glow shone on the forest due to the overcast sky, and a brighter patch of light was the only thing that revealed the location of the moon. Starrypaw shook water droplets from her fur as she stood and stretched, Squirrelpaw doing the same beside her. A soft rain had continued to fall since Starrypaw's training session with the kits. They had just finished the last meal of the night and were getting ready to head to the den.
"I'll be right there," Starrypaw said, trotting hopefully to the medicine cat's den.
"Alright," Squirrelpaw responded with a gaping yawn.
Starrypaw had tried the night before to apologize to Shrewhunter, but he had simply ignored her. Tonight she was determined to see it through to a better outcome.
"Cinderpelt?" Starrypaw stood by the entrance, peering inside to ensure she wasn't interrupting.
"You can come in," came Cinderpelt's voice from inside.
Starrypaw slipped into the den, sweeping her gaze across all of the cats inside. Brambleclaw and Cloudtail were still having to stay since their injuries had been the most critical. It's hard having such good warriors down right now, Starrypaw thought, wondering if Firestar thought the same thing everyday.
In one corner, Leafpaw laid out some herbs in a specific order as Cinderpelt placed them beside her. Finally, Starrypaw let her eyes and heart rest on the dark brown tom in the farthest corner. Shrewhunter had his back turned to everyone else, and Starrypaw approached him lightly and cautiously.
"Hi, Shrewhunter," she began, taking a deep breath to calm herself, "I hope you know that I really am sorry. I never ever meant to hurt you..."
Starrypaw trailed off as she thought hard on what to say next. Finally, with another breath, she continued.
"I never would've expected how hard it is to not have you with me everyday, and it's even worse knowing what I've done to you."
Shrewhunter shifted, turning his head so that he was looking at Starrypaw out of the corner of his eye, and she felt a rush of confidence.
"I only never told you because...well...it never seemed like quite the right time..."
It was silent except for the breathing of the other cats. Starrypaw quickly concluded that Cinderpelt and Leafpaw were watching her.
"I just...I didn't want to put more on your mind," Starrypaw continued. "You just became a warrior...and well...I felt like you didn't deserve to have all of my troubles on top of your own."
Shrewhunter narrowed his eyes, and Starrypaw's heart broke once again as he turned away once more.
"I...I'm sorry!" Starrypaw's voice cracked as she turned and bolted out of the den, feeling entirely overwhelmed by her emotions.
"Starrypaw! Wait!" Leafpaw yelled behind her.
The rain had grown to a steady shower as Starrypaw whipped past the night guards, Sandstorm and Sootfur, and burst through the gorse tunnel.
"Starrypaw no!" Sandstorm called out, her voice fading away.
Starrypaw no longer knew or focused on anything. Her paws drove themselves away, pounding against the soaking, cold, leaf-strewn forest floor, as the rain whipped against her face. All she kept thinking were the same three words over and over.
He hates me! He hates me!
Starrypaw thought she would never stop until suddenly the ground fell away beneath her. With a flash of panic, Starrypaw realized she knew exactly where she was.
The Swallow Hole!
Starrypaw twisted around, reaching out desperately with her forepaws and digging them into the freezing, loose soil on the wall of the hole. She clung there, digging her claws in deeper when the soil crumbled, threatening to toss her down and away.
It was pitch black, and as Starrypaw froze in place, afraid to move a muscle, the only sounds she heard were the rain and her own heavy breathing.
I can't just stay here, Starrypaw thought, coming to the conclusion that there was no one coming to her rescue.
She slowly reached up with her front paw, but even with the slightest movement, the whole wall began to collapse beneath her. Panic stricken, Starrypaw clawed desperately at the falling dirt, feeling the soil clotting between her paws. "Help!" she screamed.
Suddenly, something underneath the dirt caught her left forepaw, tearing a claw right off. She hissed in pain, and with one last, painful scramble, she relaxed her muscles, succumbing to her doom.
But instead of endless falling, Starrypaw felt something grasp her neck fur.
"Starrypaw! Help me pull you!" came Sandstorm's muffled voice.
Relief washed over Starrypaw almost as strongly as the rain. She gritted her teeth as she scrabbled up the side, her forepaw beginning to throb.
When she was finally on safe ground, Starrypaw scooted away from the edge, panting as the cold rain continued to beat down. She looked up gratefully at Sandstorm, who also had Sootfur behind her.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
Starrypaw nodded. "I tore a claw, but I'll be fine. Thank you."
Sandstorm nodded to Sootfur, indicating for him to lead the way as she walked closely by Starrypaw's side, letting her lean on her shoulder.
When Starrypaw finally limped into camp, her forepaw was throbbing much worse, and she held her leg gingerly above the ground. Waiting, rain-soaked, in the middle of the clearing was Firestar. Upon seeing Starrypaw, he bounded over, and she could see the relief in his wet fur covered eyes.
"What happened? Why did you run?" Upon seeing her favoring a leg he added, "Are you hurt?"
"I just tore a claw," Starrypaw mumbled, beginning to feel more embarrassed by the second.
"She almost fell in the Swallow Hole," Sandstorm explained. "I found her clinging to the side."
Firestar's eyes widened, but he blinked, and his expression had returned to normal. "I'll take her to the medicine den, you and Sootfur get back to guarding."
Sandstorm dipped her head before heading with Sootfur back to the gorse tunnel.
As Firestar walked close beside Starrypaw on the way to Cinderpelt's den, their rain flattened coats touching, Starrypaw wondered if Shrewhunter even cared that she'd run off upset. However, she didn't have to wait long for her answer. As soon as she entered the den, a voice cried out in relief.
"Starrypaw!" Shrewhunter limped up to her. "I'm so glad you're okay! I'm so sorry for the way I was acting! I was such a mouse-brain!"
"No you weren't." Starrypaw was taken aback at his sudden change of attitude, leaving her unsure how to react.
"Did you get hurt?" Shrewhunter questioned, his eyes darting about her water soaked fur. Mud caked between her paws, and the area where her claw had been torn was oozing blood.
"Sandstorm saved her from the Swallow Hole," Firestar responded, settling himself by the den entrance.
"I'm fine, just a torn claw."
Shrewhunter's nose wriggled as he studied her forepaw. "It looks painful."
"Well, let her in, Shrewhunter," Brambleclaw broke in, whiskers twitching in amusement.
"Brambleclaw's right," Cinderpelt limped over, playfully headbutting Shrewhunter on his shoulder. "She can't be treated standing in the entrance."
Shrewhunter limped to his nest, gesturing with his tail to the empty spot beside him. When Starrypaw lay down, she let out a long sigh of relief.
As Cinderpelt dabbed her paw with cobwebs and Leafpaw gathered some marigold, Starrypaw turned to look at Shrewhunter.
"I really am sorry that I kept so many secrets from you..." She broke off, deciding if what she wanted to say next was too much of a risk. "I...I can understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore."
Shrewhunter shook his head, his eyes reflecting many emotions. "I never want to stop being your friend, Starrypaw," he replied. "I'm the one who's sorry. I hate that it took you being injured in order for me to see how wrong I was."
Starrypaw felt embarrassment prickling at her pelt, but she pushed the feelings down, happy to focus on the fact that Shrewhunter was friends with her again.
Starrypaw remembered when the night after her first gathering, Shrewhunter-at that time also an apprentice-had told her that he'd never hate her. She wished she'd kept that memory in mind instead of foolishly bolting from camp.
The fact that the gathering was next week rose back up to the front of Starrypaw's mind, and thoughts of Hawkfrost began to whirl around her head once again. She secretly hoped that it would rain that night, and the gathering would be cancelled.
"Are you okay, Starrypaw?" Shrewhunter asked.
Starrypaw guessed he could sense her anxiety. Taking a deep breath to clear her mind, Starrypaw nodded. She didn't want to keep secrets from him again, but the thought of bringing Hawkfrost back into a conversation seemed way too tiring at the moment.
Shrewhunter purred, seemingly not going to question her further to her relief. He touched noses with her before she lay her head down on the cold, hard den floor. Then, he gently groomed Starrypaw's wet fur in the opposite direction to make drying faster. She found herself beginning to doze off.
"Are you sleeping in here, Starrypaw?" Firestar asked, jolting her awake.
Starrypaw's heart warmed at the thought of sleeping with Shrewhunter again, but her injury wasn't bad enough for her to take up a spot in the medicine cat's den. On top of that, Starrypaw didn't want Squirrelpaw to have to sleep in the apprentice's den alone; she knew how that felt.
"No," Starrypaw finally replied, feeling a pang of regret. "Why do you ask?"
"I was gonna walk with you back to the apprentice's den so that no one else has to worry about it."
Starrypaw couldn't help the purr that escaped from inside her. Firestar was exhausted, she knew, but he was still willing to make sure everyone in his Clan was alright personally.
"Okay." Starrypaw heaved herself to her paws, her stiff muscles protesting. Not only had she run in the cold rain, she had also used all of her strength to keep from falling into the Swallow Hole.
"Thanks, Cinderpelt and Leafpaw," Starrypaw said over her shoulder as she limped towards the entrance of the den after Firestar. Finally, she turned and made eye contact with the dark brown tom watching her in the corner.
"You too, Shrewhunter."
"Sleep well, everyone." Firestar stepped aside to let Starrypaw through the entrance first.
The rain had lightened slightly, but it still soaked uncomfortably into Starrypaw's already damp fur as she limped across the clearing towards the apprentice's den.
They stopped by the entrance, Squirrelpaw's slow breathing almost masked by the loud rain.
"Firestar?" Starrypaw turned to face the orange tom.
His wet ears pricked up.
"I kinda wanted to ask...would it be okay if I don't go to the gathering?"
Firestar sighed, seemingly uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, Starrypaw. I know you're afraid of Hawkfrost, but I'd like you to be there. You and Shrewhunter are the only witnesses of direct proof that he's involved with the rogues."
Starrypaw's stomach lurched, and the fur rose on her neck. "You want me to speak in front of everyone?!"
The ThunderClan leader's tail twitched. "No, not if you don't want to, but I was hoping you and Shrewhunter would be willing to back me up if needed."
Bluestar's words echoed in Starrypaw's mind: You must keep ThunderClan safe, Starrypaw...
Forcing her fur to lie flat, Starrypaw nodded. "I'll come."
Firestar touched his nose to her cheek. "Your Clan will keep you safe, Starrypaw."
"Thank you."
She watched him pad away, blinking rain water out of her eyes. A peaceful feeling settled in her heart, and with a deep breath, Starrypaw looked up at the dark, cloud covered sky.
"I'll do my best, StarClan. I won't let ThunderClan be taken down."