A/N – So this chapter is a bit different, it is written like a journal (hence the title). Also yes it is a reference to the journal John Smith wrote. There won't be many chapters like this, but it is something new~

~This is a line break~

8th of March 2006

It feels strange to be living in 2006. Back in my universe, six months from now, I would've been going to the United States for the first time as a 9-year-old with my family. It was a fun time for me, I think. My memory's terrible—some days I can't even recall if I had lunch, let alone what I ate. I don't know if I will be able to remember enough of the Doctor Who episodes to help the Doctor. I was able to help Jabe, to help Indra, but I couldn't save Gwyneth because I was sleeping, couldn't save Moxx of Balhoon. All those experts died because I forgot to tell the Doctor, because I was too focused on saving Indra.

But the worst part isn't just forgetting things. It's feeling like I should remember more—like I should be more useful than I am. I know what happens in these episodes, but what if I'm forgetting something critical? What if I mess up again, like I did with Moxx? The Doctor might get hurt.

Anyway, Jack picked me up from London. I'm sure my presence confused the rest of the Torchwood team. They knew my name, but not my face. Maybe my body changed so much I look different, ooo maybe I lost a massive amount of weight? Whatever, the future will happen when it happens.

Jack gave me this journal. Seemed to believe that I wouldn't fill all the pages. I have hope that I will. Maybe for once I actually complete something. My jacket is interesting, I got a picnic basket out of it when we were in the cabinet room, and every so often I find items in it that I know I have never put in. It sort of feels like Mary Poppins bag, I've always wanted her bag and now I have a cool jacket. Oh, bigger on the inside pockets, that is something I figured out, so one pocket provides me with random stuff, and the other I can store so much stuff. Way too much to be honest. Jack calls me a horder. I think he's jealous.

Oh, I've started working out and eating better. I've got about 6 months til Doc shows back up if I am calculating things correctly. From my memory Rose returns on her father's birthday, but I could be wrong. I know with absolute certainty that she returns before Christmas because Doc sends her home. I hope that I find him before then. But what if that's not enough time? What if I don't change enough? I know I need to be faster, stronger—better—by the time he returns. But deep down, I'm afraid it won't matter. That I won't be enough, no matter how hard I try.

Mira Faye Rivera signing off for now

21st April 2006

Ok so maybe Jack was right. Finding the motivation to write in this journal was... difficult to say the least. Thought about creating voice memos, would mean that I didn't have to write anything down. Realised that the lack of journaling was just because I was afraid that I wasn't progressing in anything.

What if I'm just fooling myself? I've lost weight, sure, but it's not like I'm really changing. Five kilos feels like a drop in the ocean compared to how far I still have to go. What if, when the Doctor returns, he's disappointed in me? What if I'm still the slow, useless person I've always been?

I realised that yesterday was my father's birthday. I cried for most of the day in the room that Jack helped set up for me. Finding out that I will never be able to say happy birthday to my parents, my younger brother was saddening. Realising I couldn't watch Bake Off with my mother every evening, Doctor Who every Sunday morning with my dad broke me. It's like everything I once loved, all the things that made me feel at home, are slipping further and further away. And I'm stuck here, in between worlds, not really belonging to either one. Maybe I don't belong anywhere anymore.

With all the running around that I have been doing with the Doctor I didn't have a lot of time to think through everything I lost. I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to my universe, but for a moment I forgot that I left people behind.

Helped Jack and his team with some things. Turns out my hard drive had Torchwood installed on it, so I was able to assist them with a couple adventures. Considering the episodes aired in October 2006 in my universe it is surprising that any episodes were useful, well at least it helped figure out the alien quicker. Couldn't physically help out, being obese certainly limits the running.

Oh, I've taken up learning to run. Turns out that you can't just jump straight into running when you have a massive amount of fat on your body, especially with ankles as weak as mine have become from being sedentary when not teaching. Sometimes I wonder if this is all pointless. It's like I'm always going to be the slowest, the weakest. Everyone else—the Doctor, Jack—they're so fast, so capable. And here I am, struggling to jog for ten minutes. What if I never catch up to them? I'm building the muscles in my wrists and ankles to hold my weight for once. It's weird. I hate it, but it seems to be working. My jacket provided me with a collapsible drink bottle this time, it's been so useful with running.

Maybe in five months, I'll be able to run. Not fast, but long enough that I won't feel like collapsing after just five seconds.

Hopefully I write more soon, but evidence may prove otherwise.

Mira Rivera signing off.

4th of May

Happy Star Wars Day! At least that exists in this universe. I watched the first episode, then it hit me—I couldn't even complain about the 'new' series to my best friend. That realisation stung.

Lost weight again! Wew, a dress size down finally! Lost 10kg in total so far. I'm sure it will slow down soon. Managed to jog for 10 minutes yesterday without dying, it wasn't fun, hate the feeling of sweat on my back, but it was an improvement. I keep pulling out protein bars and small healthy snacks (my favourite was trail mix, God why did I never have those before, they are delicious), never expected a jacket to be a fitness coach. It's oddly comforting.

Jack referred me to a therapist. Had a mental breakdown that made me zone out for a couple days. Scared the hell out of Jack and the team. Never had one before so it scared me as well when I realised that I lost 2 days.

Therapy is going… ok. Hard to talk to them about everything, they would never believe I was from 2024. My phone and computer are the only true evidence that I have of that fact, and I have no want to show them that. Turns out I have self-confidence issues and body image issues. Who would have guessed? Yes, that was sarcasm. Maybe one day I won't fear being thrown away for not helping, but today is not that day ~

It's funny. I've always known I had problems, but actually hearing it out loud? It's hard to accept. The therapist says I can change, that I'm already starting to—but what if I can't? What if I'm just too broken, too stuck in my ways?

Oh, my phone connected to Rose's easily, got to catch up with the duo. They're off on another adventure without me. Somewhere in the stars, maybe a few galaxies over. My phone buzzed with their messages, stories of where they've been, what they've seen. Rose sent a picture of some wild alien market, all colours and lights, and the Doctor's grinning in the background. She looks so happy, and he does too — like they're the only two people in the universe.

They called tonight. Rose was the first on the line, her voice bubbling over with excitement about some crystalline desert they'd landed on. 'You wouldn't believe the colours, Mira!' she said, practically glowing through the phone. The Doctor took over after a bit, adding details about how the sun refracted off these gem-like sand dunes, creating rainbows across the sky as they'd run from something they called 'sand phantoms.'

I could hear the thrill in their voices, that spark of shared adventure. But it wasn't something I'd ever seen or even knew existed. Not in the show. For the first time, they'd lived through something without me that I had no way of expecting. And it hurts. Knowing I'm not just missing things I've already seen but whole new moments they'll share, and I won't.

It's strange, sitting here reading their words and feeling like I'm watching from the other side of a glass window. I love hearing from them, don't get me wrong; it's just... hard. I'm here, stuck, but my mind is with them, wandering through the stars. I know it was my choice, but I didn't realise how much it would hurt.

Mira Rivera signing off.

22nd of June

Why am I even trying? Nothing changes. I'm still the same—too big, too slow, too… worthless. I've lost weight, but what does it matter when I still see the same failure in the mirror? Everyone else moves forward. I'm stuck. Rose is out there, saving worlds. I can barely make it up the stairs without gasping for air.

Maybe this is all I'll ever be. Never enough. Never good enough. I'm just pretending I'm getting better, fooling myself. No one cares. Not really. Why should they? Who could care about someone like me?

Doesn't matter how advanced my phone is—could probably reach halfway across the galaxy—but it can't reach Mum, Dad, or my brother. I'm alone.

14th of July

I've been working in London for the past few months, it's fun. Jack helped me buy a place near Jackie's and got me a teacher's license. I didn't want to buy a place, but Jack seemed to believe that it was a necessary requirement, and he wouldn't let me use the money I earnt working for him. I'm finally able to teach students once again. And for once my knowledge of history is actually useful. Most of my knowledge is either ancient Egyptian or British and finally I'm in a country that teaches British history.

Until Doc returns, I'm gonna start earning money to start paying Jack back. Maybe one day I will.

It's my birthday today. The trip back to Cardiff wasn't long, but it was expensive. I was very happy to see them all again. Jack and his team gave me a birthday cake and a vortex manipulator. Considering I already have a piece of jewellery that can't come off I didn't put it on, kept it as a backup just in case Jack's stops working for Utopia. Always good to have a backup~ I found a small card in my pocket; it was signed by the TARDIS which was so cute. I know Doc said it was connected, but having this tangible evidence was amazing.

It was sweet of them, but it only reminded me of how much I still need to improve. Even with a vortex manipulator, what's the point if I can't keep up with the Doctor? I've lost weight, sure, but it's not enough. It's never enough.

I cried again before I started writing in this journal, realised once again that my parents and little brother aren't here to at least give me a birthday card. I wonder if I'm going to cry on every occasion without them. Well, I guess I didn't cry on Mother's Day, but that may have been because I had a therapy session.

Anyway, weight update: I'm down 6 kg! Sixteen kilos in four months is pretty good, but I can't help thinking I need to do more. I'm aiming to drop six dress sizes, but at this pace, I'll be lucky if I drop three before the Doctor returns. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just failing at this whole thing.

What if I'm not strong enough by the time he shows up? What if he realizes I'm still the same Mira, just slightly thinner? Maybe this whole journey is a lie, and I'll always be… well, me.

Mira

15th September 2006

Theoretically the 15th of September is when they are coming back, so they should be coming today. However, I rewatched the episode last night, it's entirely possible I have the date wrong, and they won't be back until the 7th of November. God, I hope it's not that long. (Also, it's only suggested that she comes back to visit her mum and hug her, nothing is actually in the episode). And they're still out there, somewhere, having adventures. Each time they call, it's some new story—one I don't know, one that's not in my show. They're seeing things I've never heard about, places even I didn't expect, and that stings more than I thought it would. If they're doing all that, then they haven't seen Rose's father yet. Haven't even had the chance.

I met the goal weight set by my therapist. She suggested a more realistic goal of getting to 100kg. Part of me is happy, but there's another part that's terrified. What if it's not enough? What if the Doctor doesn't even notice the difference? I've been working so hard, but sometimes it feels like I'm just running in circles, chasing something I can't reach. I'm still not at the "right" weight to help Doc, but I'm now in the habit of running, and my body doesn't hurt as much when I do. I can't run fast, but I can run.

Today, I actually looked in the mirror. Really looked at myself. I don't feel… perfect. Not by a long shot. My arms still feel too soft, my stomach isn't flat, and my legs… well, they could still use some work. But I don't hate it. I don't hate me the way I used to.

There's less fat than before, and when I smile, it doesn't feel forced. I can see that I'm stronger now, even if there's still a part of me whispering it's not enough. But that whisper isn't as loud as it used to be. It's there, sure—but for once, I can ignore it.

Maybe I'll never look like those perfect, thin women I always envied. And maybe that's okay. The Doctor… well, he probably won't care if I'm 100kg or 80kg. Jack doesn't, and I'm starting to think…

Maybe I shouldn't either.

Mira singing off

30th September 2006

I think I finally understand what it means to feel like me. For so long, I've wondered if I'd ever feel real, complete. And then… well, I lost my virginity. It happened a while ago, but I'm only now finding the courage to write it down. It feels strange seeing it in words, but there it is—finally, I'm officially not a virgin. It wasn't the big, mind-blowing revelation everyone talks about, but it was something. Another piece of me… just clicked into place.

And yeah, I am definitely bisexual. That isn't some distant idea or theory in my mind anymore. It's real, and it's me. The whole experience made me feel grounded in a way I haven't felt in ages, like the pieces I've been putting together are starting to fit. I went on dates. Laughed. Let people in, even tried to care for a while. But every time, I'd feel that emptiness creeping in, like there was some piece of me missing that no one else could reach. It took me too long to understand why — I'm in love with him, with the Doctor. And it hurts because I know I'm alone in this. Rose will have his heart, and I... I'm just someone he takes along for the ride.

And it's been fifteen days since they should have returned. I told myself not to expect too much, but it's hard to keep up that wall when there's so much I want to believe. The 15th passed, and I waited, phone charged, every light on, just in case. But they didn't come. I must have gotten the date wrong. Or maybe I'm wrong and they won't come back at all. A month ago, I'd have been devastated. But now? I'm just… empty. It's as if I knew all along, deep down, that they'd be gone much longer than I wanted to believe.

So here I am, again, on the outside looking in.

- Mira

7th of November

Well, this sucks. It's been two months now. Theoretically, today is the day. I made friends with Jackie while waiting for the Doctor. Turns out knowing more about him helps Jackie with her fears about letting Rose go with him. We're planning a drinking party tonight—I've never been drunk before. Could be fun.

I've lost more weight, too—another 10 kilos gone. Running's becoming easier, more natural, I am still not that great at it, but I can run. I'm at 90kg now, and my therapist says that's pretty good. I'm seeing her less often these days, though. Phone consultations just aren't the same, but I'm not about to fork over the train fare to Cardiff every week. $100 AUD one way? No thanks. It's moments like these I realise how good I had it in Australia—$20 AUD could get me just as far.

Still, I'm managing. I'm getting better, bit by bit. The doubt isn't gone completely, but I've learned to live with it. I don't look in the mirror and hate what I see anymore. I see someone stronger, more capable. Someone who can handle this. No, I can't save everyone, and I've come to accept that. But the fact that I'm trying? That I still care enough to fight for it? That's good enough.

Teaching is going well. Still only doing casual, my chest started feeling tight when I tried to apply to work full time at a school. Maybe it's a good thing, though. If Doc did show up, I'll just be abandoning my students. So maybe holding back wasn't the worst decision.

Mira signing off

He came back! He returned today! And I'm going with him!