You Are the Reason

"DICK!"

She awakens with a jolt. Panting breathlessly Zatanna clutches her chest gasping for air. Beads of sweat drips down from her forehead. Despite wearing a simple nighty and some shorts, she's overheating. She tosses her comforter over and looks to her left. In her mind she desperately imagines a tuft of dark raven hair, ocean blue eyes, and a toned muscular bare chest. Instead, all she sees is an empty bedside. The sheet smooth. A pillow isn't even on that side anymore. In fact, she hasn't seen that soft but strong bare chest in nearly a year and a half. Not since she broke up with one Dick Grayson.

She realizes she's trembling and scoots back to lean against the headboard. She pulls her knees up to her chest and rests her forehead against them. Quietly she sobs.

A lot can change in six months. First, they rekindled a friendship after ending what they thought was a puppy dog teen relationship. Then, Artemis died causing grief to pull her into a pit of despair only for her Boy Wonder to pull her out and make her feel safe again. Until he lied. He lied about Kaldur betraying the League. He lied about needing a glamor charm for a minor job. He lied about Artemis's death. She was furious and could not look him in the eye. He hurt her, and she was ready to move on and never see him again. At least that was the lie she told herself. She couldn't bear to stay mad at him, especially when everyone else was. She didn't add to his misery, but she didn't help take it away either. She decided to remain neutral finding the right time to talk with him. Sadly, the right time never came. Wally perished at the last second. His best friend. His ride-or-die ally. Poof. Gone. As quickly as Wally died, Dick also disappeared. He didn't even say goodbye.

Day by day the nightmares grow worse and worse. Zatanna hasn't slept in weeks. It's always the same. She's sees Dick sitting on a ledge. Basking in the wind and the city below. He looks back and flashes her his brilliant smile, the one that she fell for when he was just Robin. Then, without warning, he pushes himself off the ledge, down into the dark abyss. Every night she forces herself awake never wanting to find out the ending of her dream. She desperately wishes she was a better person three months ago. She wishes she held him close as the world poured hell onto him. She wishes she was his light that helped him beat the darkness. Instead, her heart bleeds. Every night she worries that Dick Grayson has perished from this Earth because he no longer has a reason to breathe. Why couldn't she be stronger and be his reason?

Snowy winds howl and roar harshly on the mountainside. The white dust blurs the sky blinding any would be travelers. Somehow, in this wild blizzard, a lone figure dressed tightly and warmly in a thick blue jacket is rolling a giant snowball. His padded gloves pat the snow into place. He picks up the sphere and stacks it upon two others. He sticks two branches on the side for arms, a carrot for a nose, two pebbles for eyes. The finishing touch is a red and yellow beanie with a lightning bolt on it. Through his goggles, he admires his handiwork. He pulls out a phone and takes a selfie with the snowman.

A little later, he reaches the base camp cabin and sips the hot chicken soup. Finally, out of the blizzard winds, he pulls out a piece of paper. There are crayon markings and other scribbles all over the paper. At the top, the title shines prominently in red, yellow, and green crayon.

"Dick and Wally's Bucket List EST 2007"

Dick takes a pen and draws a line at the latest accomplishment.

"Make a snowman atop Mount Everest"

Looking through the list, he smiles at all the accomplishments he's pulled off these past months. There were simple ones like "Catch and eat a fish from the Great Barrier Reef" or "Watch sea turtles lay eggs." Others were crazy things only ten-year-olds imagined like "Outrun a volcano" or "Convince an entire college class and professor that you were an enrolled student." That last one makes him chuckle since the prof actually hired him as a TA to teach the class. Good thing he was an expert in circuit chips and logic gates. Half of the list he and Wally were able to accomplish. The other half they sort of forgot about as they grew older, and life took them in different directions. Even so, they each kept a copy of the list hoping to grow old together, retire from the hero business, and spend their last days crossing off the last few bucket list tasks. Instead, Wally spent his last days saving the world and then leaving it behind. Dick wanted to pick up where they left off, hoping that by completing their list, he could feel more at peace and accepting of the loss. But all he feels is pain and regret. He is trembling. He starts to think about his own life...and his own death. If he were to die today, would he be ok with that? Would he leave with no regrets? Would he feel happy with all that he's accomplished? He looks at the very first task of the list. It remains uncrossed. He realizes right then and there, he's not finished, not yet.

The rain pours outside her apartment. It is unrelenting. Her windows shake so much Zatanna worries the glass might shatter. Oddly, her cat Lena stares aimlessly at the rain. Zatanna sits down on the couch with a cup of green tea. She wanted something warm to wear and honestly, all she could find were his Nike sweatpants and LSU hoodie. They still smell like him. She joins her cat and stares at the rain with mindless fascination. A loud knock rips her out of her reverie. Curled up and settled on the couch, she wants to pretend like she isn't home. A second louder knock jolts her nearly spilling her tea. Annoyed, she marches towards the door, ready to give this asshole a piece of her mind. She opens the door, ready to yell, but no words come out. Standing in her doorway, drenched head to toe in rainwater, with hair a flopping mess, is Dick Grayson. He gives her a sheepish smile.

"Hi"

She continues to stand there, stunned that he's still alive.

"Uh I know that things haven't been great with us since I revealed the um...plan. And I'm sorry for just disappearing off the face of the Earth without warning. That was shitty of me. After all we've been through, you deserved a heads-up."

He sees her expression soften. She still hasn't invited him in yet, so he presses on.

"I just needed some space. Wally dying really shook me to my core. I know that our line of work is dangerous and anyone of us could die at any moment. But I honestly never imagined him dying. It seemed unfathomable. We were supposed grow old, share stories about our families, trick our kids into dating each other so we'd be In-laws. So, when he died, I just felt empty. Like I didn't have a reason to breath anymore. I left to travel the world. I did a bunch of crazy stuff. I fed a kangaroo. I ran with bulls. I stood atop an active volcano. Honestly, I was preparing to die-"

Before he could finish his sentence, Zatanna sprints towards him and holds him in a tight embrace. Tears flow endlessly down her face.

"DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT! Don't you dare think about dying, Dick Grayson! Please don't think like that anymore. My heart wouldn't be able to take it if you died, too"

"That's just it, Zee," he whispers as he hugs her back, "I climbed every mountain and swam in every ocean only to realize, I want to be with you. You, Zee, are my reason to keep going, to keep breathing. I've missed you."

She pulls back a little to look him in his deep blue eyes.

"Dick, I'm sorry..."

He tenses up. Sorrow flashes his eyes as he realizes that she might not feel the same way anymore.

"Oh. I understand. This must be really dumb of me then. Um, I'll just being going then," he replies with hurt in his voice.

He tries to pull away, but she clenches his soaked jacket refusing to let him go.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you months ago," she begins, "I'm sorry for not being by your side when no one else was. For not being there to hold you close. If I could turn back the clock, I'd spend every hour, every minute keeping you safe. I don't care what we said when we broke up. This isn't puppy love, Dick. This is real genuine love. Despite everything, you are my reason to keep on living. Even when you lied about Artemis's death, you were still my light to my darkness. So right here, right now, let me be your light to your darkness.

Come closer so I can hold you."

She pulls him into another hug. This time she buries her face in his neck and take a deep breath. He rubs his nose on her hair sniffing the sweet scent of lavender from her shampoo.

"I love you, Dick Grayson, and I can't bare another second apart from you."

"I love you too, Zee. I'm sorry it took traveling the world to finally understand that."

"Come inside," she pulls him into the apartment, "Let's get you out of those clothes."

"Oh. We're going back to Chalant right away I see."

"So you can warm up in the shower and change into dry clothes you dork!"

"Alright alright!"

"But um...after you've cleaned up, I wouldn't be totally opposed to um being Chalant like that again. I've sorta uhh missed sleeping on your chest."

"Heh. Anything you want."

"Here, let me take your jacket. You remember where the bathroom is?"

"I never forgot."

He hands her his drenched jacket and trots off to the bathroom. As she makes her way to the laundry room, she empties out his pockets. Her hand feels a wet piece of paper. Curious, she unfolds it and looks upon it with a bittersweet smile. She runs back into the main apartment and comes back with a pen. Gently, she crosses off the final task on the bucket list.

"Be with the person you love"

You Are the Reason-Calum Scott