TURLOUGH'S TALE
Chapter Eleven
How have I managed to forget I had the crystal that connects me to the Black Guardian? I'm not sure it would have made any difference for me to have remembered. I tried once to lose it; it's impossible. It sticks like glue. I can put it in my pocket and I can take it out and hold it; it won't let me do anything else with it. Here I am, stuck with it. The Black Guardian could show up at any moment and either demand that I kill the Doctor immediately or, in his anger, kill me – either immediately or after torturing me.
I don't even know how to get back to the TARDIS, nor do I have a key; Tegan has one. This gets worse and worse. Must I harm Tegan, too? Maybe I deserve to die.
Now there's a thought. Worst come to worst I could just kill myself. It wouldn't be hard. I have heard that freezing to death is just like going to sleep. However, as I may have mentioned, I am a coward.
Tegan returns before the Doctor does. "What's wrong with you, Turlough? You look as if you've… seen a ghost!" She chortles at her own joke. I could strangle her; I really could. I turn away so she won't be frightened by my face. I am frightened by how my face feels: hot, angry, murderous.
"The Doctor's been gone too long," I mutter, rising. "I'll go find him." I make my way to the erstwhile kitchen, and find no one. Where can the Doctor be? Surely he would not go exploring all alone in a continuing blizzard – and exploring for what? What does he hope to find? There is no way he has abandoned us; even if he abandoned me, he would never abandon Tegan. Then I remember Alexandra's warning about her ghostly pursuer. What if she was telling the truth? Could a ghost have taken the Doctor, blinded him, deafened him, buried him, drowned him? Nonsense. There is no such thing as a ghost. I shiver, not with cold.
Back in the tent, I ask Tegan, "Did you see the Doctor out there?" She shakes her head. "Can you hold down the fort while I go look for him?"
"What fort? You're going to leave me here and maybe disappear too?"
"I'm not going to disappear. I'm just going to find the Doctor."
Before she can reply, I am outside, thinking, this is a huge mistake. Tegan (who calls after me in vain but doesn't follow) is right. I'm going to get myself disappeared.
The first thing I do is look for landmarks other than the remains of the house. There are none: no trees, no hills, just white, white falling onto white, white turning to shadow, a wall of white and nothing beyond it, and if I get far enough from the house I won't be able to see the house – or anything else either. Is this what happened to the Doctor? Has he wandered just a few yards away and gotten himself irretrievably lost? "Doctor!" I call. The wind whips my words away. Calling him is useless, but I keep calling him anyway, because, well, I have to do something, don't I?
On the other hand, I don't want to be lost in the snow. I can't go try to find the Doctor and instead lose myself.
"Turlough," I say to myself, through the scarf wrapped around my face, "you are a coward. A worm."
"Turlough!" echoes a shadow moving through the whiteness.
"Doctor?"
He is practically upon me before I can see him; he is carrying something just heavy enough to make his steps precarious; nothing is protecting his eyes, and whatever he's carrying is wrapped in his parka, making it quite bulky. He can barely see where he is going. I grab him by the elbow and lead him back into the house, into the tent, where he gently sets down his burden before sitting heavily down himself. It's Alexandra, she is unconscious, and both she and the Doctor are cold to the touch and equally red and white about the face. The wind and snow have both burnt and drained them.
"I saw him," he says, breathlessly.
"Saw who, Doctor?" asks Tegan, pushing a pail of tea into his hands. He can barely hold it but she helps him and he is able to sip at the hot liquid. Tegan wraps a blanket around the Doctor, who is either unable or unwilling to answer. I can't be sure but he doesn't look completely aware of his surroundings. I take the pail from him and ease him down onto the nearest pile of blankets, then take the scarf from my face, roll it up and put it under his neck. Tegan covers him with yet another blanket; I see she has done the same for Alexandra. He keeps looking from me to Tegan, trying to sit up and see Alexandra, then back at me and Tegan, back and forth, but not really seeing us, somehow. It's more as if he is searching for us.
"We're right here, Doctor," I try, but he doesn't respond. Finally, he sinks back down onto my scarf-pillow and focuses on my face.
"I saw him," he whispers.
"Saw who?" I try to keep my voice calm.
"I saw him. The man Alexandra told us about."
"The ghost!" exclaims Tegan.
"Wasn't she going to protect you?" I murmur, more to myself than to the Doctor, but he looks at me with some alertness and says,
"She did. He came at me. He had me by the throat. He was holding me down in the snow, drowning me. Alexandra pulled him off of me. I don't know what happened immediately after that; I couldn't get up. All I remember is Alexandra digging me out of the snow – I couldn't breathe – and then she was down, he was gone, and I…."
That's all he can manage. He closes his eyes.