The pain was unbearable. The stupid handle of the axe was stuck in her stomach, but it was nothing against the cut at her throat. Only that it wasn't her throat. Moiraine turned her head and her eyes fell on her Warder, who was lying beside her. The blood was splattering out of the deep cut, while he was gasping for air. He was dying!
Shocked, the Aes Sedai felt how Lan's presence in her mind faded quickly. It wouldn't take long anymore, and she wouldn't be able to feel him anymore. Although the pain was paralyzing her body, she forced herself to roll on her side and reached out her hand toward Lan. She was so close! A few more inches and she would be able to reach him!
But when she tried to rob toward him, she noticed that she couldn't move. Her body wasn't listening to her! From the corner of her eye, Moiraine saw two feet, who stepped beside her. Then Logain Ablar, the false Dragon, moved into her sight when he crouched down between her and Lan.
"It must be an awful feeling. To be so close to him, but you just can't reach him."
Silent tears ran down Moiraine's cheeks, while she tried to move her arm further in Lan's direction. She wouldn't let him die! She couldn't! Not Lan!
Lan's eyes turned to her, and her throat tightened when she saw the pain in them. Her strong Warder. Her amazing, brave, and incredible Warder. Slowly, his eyes were closing.
"NO!", she screamed, but it was no help. Their bond became weaker with every heartbeat. Lan was almost completely gone from her mind. It wouldn't take long, and his blood would stop running from the cut. "LAN!"
Logain moved his fingers over Lan's throat until they were covered in blood. "It's your fault, you know. He is here because of you. You bonded him all those years ago. You pulled him into your quest. He wouldn't be here without you." Then he pressed his bloody fingers against Moiraine's forehead and moved them over her temple down to her cheek, where Lan's blood mixed with her tears.
Growling, Moiraine increased her efforts to move her arm. She felt as if someone was putting a thousand needles in her arms, but she wouldn't stop. No matter what Logain was telling her. Yes, Lan was here because she had bonded him as her Warder. And yes, this wouldn't have happened to him without her, but this didn't mean that she would give up now. She would do anything for Lan. Even give her own life for his.
But the wheel was working against her. It kept turning and was taking Lan with it. Away from her. `Not Lan! Please, don't take him from me! Take me, but let him live!´ More tears were running down her cheeks.
Logain laughed when he saw how hard she was trying to reach her Warder. "Do you need some help, little Aes Sedai?" The false Dragon grabbed Lan's wrist and placed the hand in front of Moiraine's finger. He was closer now, but still out of reach. But the worst part was that she was still too far away from the actual wound.
A frustrated growl escaped Moiraine's lips, and Logain laughed again. He was taking great pleasure in her desperation. Lan coughed one last time then his eyes closed flattering and he stopped breathing. At the same time, his presence left Moiraine's mind completely.
The woman of the Blue Ajah gasped for air when the loss of her Warder hit her. He was gone! Lan was dead! Dead, because she hadn't been able to save him! She had been too weak to save one of the two people, who meant the world to her!
"So close.", Logain mocked her then he disappeared into thin air.
Finally, Moiraine was able to move again. Trembling, she pulled herself closer to her dead Warder and pressed her hand on his throat. His blood was still flowing, but he had no pulse anymore. `Oh, Lan. Forgive me.´
Her head fell on his chest and she finally allowed herself to cry. Heart-wrenching sobs were shaking her body, but there was no one, who would dry her tears. No one, who would wrap his arms around her to comfort her. She was alone. Why was the wheel so cruel to her? Wasn't it enough that she was born as a Damodred? Why did it have to take Lan from her? With him, she finally had had a home. A place, where she had belonged and where she had been loved. He had always been there for her, even when he had disagreed with her decisions.
Suddenly, she felt a different pain rushing through her veins. A heartbreaking pain.
Gasping, Moiraine awoke from her nightmare. She was lying in her bed in her bedroom of the White Tower. Her bed sheets were entangled with her feet. During her nightmare, she must have moved a lot since they were a complete mess. Her cheeks were wet from the tears, that she had shed during her sleep. The memory of losing her Warder was still shaking her body, and she needed a moment to realize that it wasn't real. Lan hadn't died in this cave! Nynaeve had healed everyone, and they had gentled Logain!
For a heartbeat, she felt relieved, but then she felt this heartbreaking pain through the bond again. Something was wrong. `Lan!´
Moiraine threw the bed sheets away and stormed out of her bedroom. She didn't care that she was only wearing her nightgown or no shoes. Lan was in pain, and she needed to find him immediately.
As quickly as possible, she ran through the deserted corridors. The bond was pulling her away from the Warder's quarters, which meant that Lan wasn't in his bedroom anymore. Had he slept at all? Or had he been with Stepin all night? Moiraine remembered that Lan had mentioned that he had wanted to check on his friend after he had left Moiraine's bedroom. Were they already training again? No, this wouldn't explain Lan's sadness.
The woman of the Blue Ajah reached the corridor in front of the Hall of the Tower and her feet stopped. She was breathing heavily since she wasn't used to running. Usually, when they had to escape their enemies, Aldieb did all the running for her. But right now, this wasn't important.
Moiraine's eyes moved over the two bodies, which were kneeling in front of the hall and didn't move at all. Stepin sat with his back to her, but she didn't need to touch him to know that he was dead. She finally understood Lan's pain. `Oh, Lan. How many more do we have to lose?´
Slowly, the woman of the Aes Sedai walked over to the two men. Lan had his arm on Stepin's shoulder and his head rested on his hand. Obviously, he wasn't crying, but his heart was aching over the loss of his friend. When Moiraine stood behind Kerene's former Warder, she saw the dagger in his stomach and the blood on the floor. He was dead for a while now. He probably had killed himself, while everyone else had been asleep.
Moiraine laid her hand on Lan's shoulder, but he brushed her arm away. He didn't want her help, but she wouldn't leave him alone in his grief. Again, she placed her hand on his shoulder and squeezed it firmly only to be pushed away.
Carefully, she kneeled down in front of him, cupped his face with her hand, and tried to urge him to look at her. As quick as a snake, Lan's free hand grabbed her wrist and squeezed it painfully. Then his cold eyes met hers.
"Don't.", he growled. His feelings were a mess.
For a second, Moiraine saw his painful eyes from her nightmare then she blinked and pushed the vision away. She needed to focus on him. The Aes Sedai ignored the pain in her wrist and rested her forehead against Lan's. "Let go of him, Lan."
"I need to…"
"He is gone, Lan.", she tried to reason with him "There is nothing you can do for him anymore."
The pressure on her wrist became stronger, though Moiraine was sure that Lan didn't realize what he was doing. His grief was blinding him.
"I've told him… I wanted to…" His eyes became softer, while he thought about his last moments with his friend.
"I know." Moiraine used her other hand to take his arm off Stepin's shoulder, but it was the wrong move. Again, Lan was faster. This time, his hands grabbed her upper arms painfully. Moiraine winced, but no word came over her lips. At least, her Warder had let go of the dead man.
But his eyes were back to being cold as ice. For a heartbeat, she felt sorry for those poor souls, who had to deal with an angry Lan Mandragoran. The man looked frightening.
"Lan.", she whispered softly "Come back to me." Additionally, she sent him her love through the bond, hoping that it would reach him through his pain.
Lan blinked rapidly as if he was slowly waking from a nightmare. Sadly, the nightmare wasn't over for him. When he recognized Moiraine, he also noticed what he was doing and quickly released his tight grip on her. "Moiraine, I…"
But this time, she was faster than him. While he was leaning backward, she cupped his face in her hands and pulled him back to her until his forehead was again resting against hers. "I'm here."
"I didn't mean to hurt you." His guilt rolled through their bond, and for a heartbeat, Moiraine was glad about it. She was glad for every emotion coming through because this meant that Lan was alive, and her suppressed panic was able to fade slowly.
But she couldn't focus on that. Lan needed her right now. He needed her strength and her lead. "I've been worse."
"But not because of me. I never…" He opened and closed his fists in anger. Moiraine felt how he was trembling because he tried to control himself not to hurt her again.
"Don't worry about me. I want you to stand up and go to my bedroom."
"I can't. Stepin…" Lan turned his head toward his dead friend, but Moiraine forced him to look at her instead.
Quickly, she put her calm Aes Sedai mask on and said in her best, cold Aes Sedai voice: "That's an order, Lan Mandragoran. You have sworn to obey me. Now, get up and go to my bedroom. Don't talk to anyone. No detour. You will take the shortest way possible, and then you'll stay there. Do you understand, Gaidin?"
The muscles in Lan's face twitched while he was processing her words. Moiraine rarely had given him orders since he had become her Warder. This wasn't how their relationship was working. But he couldn't disobey a direct order from her. "Yes, Aes Sedai."
He grabbed her wrists – very gentle this time – and freed his face before politely bowing his head. Moiraine fought hard to keep her composure. She hated it to see him like this. Pain, grief, and guilt were still coming through the bond, though his face showed no emotion. On the outside, he was in control of his feelings. Only Moiraine knew the truth.
The woman of the Blue Ajah waited kneeling beside the dead Warder until she couldn't hear the footsteps of her own Warder anymore. Then she dared to look at Lan's friend again. `May the wheel reunite you with Kerene, Stepin.´ She sighed heavily, then she got back on her feet. She had to inform the other Warders, so they could prepare the funeral. Today was a dark day for the White Tower.
When Moiraine returned to her bedroom, she was exhausted. She was still wearing her nightgown, her feet and hands were cold, and she was tired. Her sisters furrowed their foreheads when she passed them, but Moiraine didn't care. Sighing, she finally opened her door, slipped in, and closed the door behind her by leaning against the carved wood.
Cold, fresh air moved over her skin and made her shiver. Lan stood outside with his back to her and looked over Tar Valon. Moiraine's eyes moved over his body, especially his back and his tensed shoulders. He tried to be the strong warrior, who wouldn't succumb to grief. She dove into their bond and took in his emotions. There was no change to earlier.
The picture of the dead Lan from her nightmare appeared in front of Moiraine's eyes, and she had to hold back a sob, which was trying to break free. `It's not real. Lan is alive. He is in pain, but he is alive.´
Her head fell back against the door, while tears were building in her eyes. No matter how often she repeated it, she couldn't get rid of the picture or this empty feeling when Lan had vanished from her mind. Their bond – silenced forever. It was as if someone had pushed a dagger into her heart, and immediately her silent tears rolled down her cheeks. Moiraine closed her eyes, but it didn't help.
Lan, who had felt the change in the bond, turned around, and his concern was filling her. He didn't know about her latest nightmare. There had been no time to tell him. `Light! I need to control this! Lan is in grief! I should comfort him not make him feel more miserable!´
The Warder quickly crossed the room and pulled his Aes Sedai into his arms. The safety and warmth of Lan's embrace were too much for Moiraine. The sobs shook her body, while she clung to him with all the strength she had left.
Lan waited until she became calmer and her sobs stopped. Then he gently moved his hands over her back and her arms. His hands were warm on her skin, and she shivered again. Her Warder stepped back and took her cold hands into his. He hissed angrily when he noticed that she was freezing.
Moiraine wanted to explain herself, but Lan already picked her up and carried her to her bed. The bed sheet was still lying on the floor, so he grabbed it and placed it over her. Before Moiraine was able to beg him to stay, her amazing Warder moved into bed with her. His warm chest was pressed against her back, while his arm lay protectively around her.
Lan winced when she grabbed his hand with her cold fingers, but she only placed it on her heart. Immediately, Lan spread his fingers and moved them under her nightgown to feel her heartbeat, while he buried his nose in her dark brown hair.
Neither of them was in the mood to leave the room soon or to face their sisters and brothers. Right now, all they needed was themselves, and the comfort of being alive and together.