"Was it hard?"
"What?"
"To leave him behind."
Moiraine shifted uncomfortably then she gave Rand something to eat. "Here. Have some of that. You need to keep up your strength."
The boy looked as if he wanted to say something, but then he nodded and turned his head away. Moiraine stared at one of the trees in front of her, but she didn't see them. She was feeling for her bond with Lan, which was quiet for hours now. The wall, which she had pulled up to shut her Warder out, was strong. No emotion, no feeling was coming through. She didn't know if Lan was happy or sad. He definitely would be disappointed in her for not talking to him. For not including him. For leaving him behind.
The woman of the Blue Ajah pressed with her mind against this inner wall. It was so easy. All she had to do was to press a little further to unmask the bond. Just a little push and the wall would be gone. Instead, she would feel Lan again. The presence of her loyal Warder would return to her mind, where he belonged. His feelings – especially his trust and love for her – would be a part of her again, and she was longing for it. She was even longing for his anger. Every emotion was better than being alone with her thoughts and her own feelings.
But she couldn't do it. Slowly, she pulled herself away from the inner wall, though it was as if she was stabbing herself in the heart. She couldn't let Lan back in. If she would do that then he would be coming for her immediately. He wouldn't stop and would even fight against the Dark One to protect her.
`This is not what he deserves. For twenty years, he has done everything in his power to keep me alive. I would never have made it that far without him. But now, he finally has found a woman he loves, and she loves him just as much. After everything he's been through, he deserves happiness. He deserves a loving wife, beautiful children, and a life without death lurking around every corner.´
Moiraine smiled when she thought about how often they had faced the Shadowspawn and had barely survived. How many times had she healed his wounds because he had thrown himself in front of her? How many times had she received wounds that only an Aes Sedai could've healed, so Lan had rushed her to one of her sisters? Over the years, they had perfected their fighting styles. Now, it was a perfect balance like a dance. She knew exactly how to move when he moved and vice versa. Would it be the same with Nynaeve when he would become her Warder? Would they be able to create the same harmony as they had established? Well, she definitely hoped they would. Maybe not at the beginning, but after a while, they would move as one.
The woman of the Blue Ajah took deep breaths. She had to stop doing this to herself if she didn't want Rand to notice how much she missed Lan. It was her mission to get him to the Eye of the World, so she had to be the strong one. She had to be the calm and cold Aes Sedai, who would lead this boy to his destiny, which could very easily turn into his death.
But it was hard. For twenty years, she had Lan, who had always been by her side. Always present even when he was out of sight. Protecting her, accompanying her, loving her. When she had first met him, he had hated Aes Sedai like everyone else, who had heard the stories of those terrifying women. Over time, he had changed his mind. Moiraine didn't believe he fully trusted the White Tower or her sisters. No one really did. But she hoped that she had changed his opinion a little bit by being bonded to him. `Although it is possible that I pushed him in the wrong direction with my decision to leave him behind. I hope he'll understand why I did it, and that he will accept to become Nynaeve's Warder in the future.´
"Do you think it is safe to take a short nap?"
Rand's voice pulled Moiraine out of her thoughts. She blinked rapidly before she turned to the redhead. He looked tired. Had he slept at all last night?
"Sleep. I will stay awake."
Relief moved over Rand's face, and Moiraine smiled slightly. Now that his friends were out of danger, he was able to feel tired again. He sat down on the ground and formed his jacket into a pillow. A sigh escaped his lips when his head came in contact with his improvised pillow.
"When you wake me, I can stand watch while you rest.", Rand mumbled, already drifting off to sleep.
"Sleep, Rand. You'll need your strength."
She didn't tell him that it didn't matter how tired she would feel as soon as they reached the Eye of the World. When Rand would fight against the Dark One, she would be killed no matter what.
Now that the boy had closed his eyes, Moiraine reached for the sa'angreal in her pocket and pulled it out. She moved with her fingers over the small object. She would have to tell Rand about it. But would he be able to use it? He had said that he had used the One Power before, though no one had taught him how to use it. `The wheel weaves as the wheel wills.´
Back in Fal Dara, Lan stood on the balcony of Nynaeve's room. His eyes were locked on Tarwin's gap. Well, actually they were locked on the Blight behind Tarwin's gap. That was the place where his Aes Sedai was currently. And she had no one by her side except a sheepherder, who claimed to be the Dragon Reborn. What had he done that Moiraine had believed him right away? Had he channeled in front of her? Light, he still wished the boy would have come for him first.
The Emond's Fielder were still arguing behind him. They couldn't decide what to do next. Egwene wanted to follow Moiraine and Rand, while Perrin thought it would be useless. Lan had agreed with the Blacksmith, which had earned him a devil eye from the Wisdom. In her opinion, this was something they had to decide as a group. Since the Warder hadn't wanted to be involved in their fight, he had moved to the balcony.
Now, he slowly pulled out the letter from his belt and unfolded it. His fingers moved gingerly over the words, which were written in Moiraine's beautiful handwriting.
"You've protected me long enough, old friend. It is long overdue for you to get your life back. She is worth it."
Silly woman! How couldn't she see that she was his life? When she had asked him to become her Warder, she had changed his life forever. She had given him a purpose. A purpose to live.
Lan closed his eyes and searched for his bond only to be blocked by a barrier. There was nothing coming from his Aes Sedai. No emotion, no feeling. Just silence. But the thing that hurt the most was her absence. The place in his mind, where she had been for the last twenty years was empty. She wasn't there, and Lan hated the feeling. He had hated it whenever she had masked the bond in the past.
With sad eyes, Lan read the words again. "You've protected me long enough, old friend. It is long overdue for you to get your life back. She is worth it."
Moiraine had left him behind and still, she tried to push him towards Nynaeve. As if he could ever move on so quickly from one woman to the next. A chuckle escaped Lan's lips when he remembered his conversation with Stepin on the day when his friend had returned Kerene's ring to the fire. Back then, he had spoken without thinking about what it would mean to lose your bonded Aes Sedai. He had simply wanted to cheer up his friend with words they had heard during their training multiple times. Stepin's words had reminded him how hard such a devastating loss would be. And that it wouldn't be so simple as everyone else was always saying.
Now, he wondered if he would ever be able to move on. He loved Moiraine. Not like he loved Nynaeve, but it was love nonetheless. He didn't want her to die. He didn't want to lose her. And he definitely didn't want another Aes Sedai.
Before he had met Moiraine, he had sworn to himself never to bond himself to an Aes Sedai. Like every other man of the Borderlands, he had heard the stories about those powerful women, who were always searching for strong men to be their sworn protectors. So, he had stayed out of their way as best as possible. Until the day, Moiraine had tried to steal his sword, and he had thrown her into a pond. Oh, how much he had cursed her during their ride to Chachin. All those little pranks she had played on him. And those insects!
Lan smiled at the memory. It had annoyed him, but he had also started to care for her. Slowly, but surely, this young woman had found a way into his heart. And hadn't left it since then.
"Egwene, wait!" Nynaeve sounded angry. Obviously, they couldn't agree on their next steps. "Perrin, follow her. Talk some sense into her. Block her door if she doesn't listen. Just… try to reason with her."
Sighing, Lan hid the letter in his belt again. Would he ever see Moiraine again? Maybe they had been wrong. Maybe she wouldn't die at the Eye of the World. It was no secret that Rand didn't trust the Aes Sedai, but not even the sheepherder would let her die willingly.
`Light, I wish I could be there! It's not that I don't trust the boy. I just would feel better if I could be there with them. I'm her Warder. I should protect her from any danger coming her way.´
"Are you alright?" Nynaeve's gentle voice pulled him out of his thoughts.
Lan heard the worry in her voice and for a moment, he allowed himself to smile. This young woman cared about him. Although she had to deal with Egwene and Perrin, she still didn't forget about his feelings. As young as she was, the Wisdom understood how hard it must be for him. Alright. Was he alright? How could he be alright when his bonded woman was out there, moving through the Blight without him? Walking towards her possible death with a boy, who couldn't protect her the same way he could.
Slowly, Lan left the balcony and faced the young woman of the Two Rivers. He saw that she was trying to be strong, but in her eyes, he saw that she was already making plans. He wouldn't be surprised to hear that she had thought of twenty new plans to deal with this situation. Nynaeve was a fighter.
"Can you feel anything through the bond?"
"She doesn't want to be followed." Light, how much he wished he could unmask the bond himself! It would be so much easier if he could grab this damn barrier and rip it…! "Not to what she's facing now."
Surprised, Lan noticed that he was rubbing his fingers subconsciously. `You're a fool, Lan Mandragoran. You can't unmask the bond and you can't follow Moiraine into the Blight. Now focus on Nynaeve and the other Emond's Fielder.´
This was all he could do for now. Keep the children from the Two Rivers together and wait. Wait until…
"After the Trolloc attack in the Two Rivers, when I followed you… it wasn't you who I tracked." Slowly, Lan turned his face back to the Wisdom. Why was she telling him this now? Was this supposed to make him feel…? "It was her." Nynaeve had followed Moiraine? But how? "She has a tell. I can show you how."
A glimpse of hope shimmered in Lan's heart. If Nynaeve had truly found a way to follow Moiraine… He may have lost a few hours, but if he would hurry, he could still reach them in time. He was still able to save his Aes Sedai. But first, he needed to know how to find her.
Hannah: thank you for your review and your greetings :D