After reading the poem, Moiraine knows she has to leave Tifan's Well and can't take Lan with her. But her sweet Warder hasn't given up on her yet. How long can she push him away until he snaps?

Quote: "Is an Aes Sedai not allowed her secrets?" (Moiraine)

Anxiously, Moiraine walked up and down with the poem in her hands. Lanfear, the Daughter of the Night. Ishamael had freed one of the most dangerous Forsaken! Light, she needed to find Rand! Should Lanfear find the boy before her… he had no idea what the Forsaken could do! And if she pulled the Dragon to the dark side… then the world was lost forever.

Had Rand found Logain by now? It had been her idea to bring the False Dragon to Cairhien – away from Tar Valon and the Aes Sedai. Rand wouldn't risk finding that man when Logain was surrounded by Aes Sedai. Had he learned anything already? Could he use Saidin? How far had he fallen for the madness?

I need to leave Tifan's Well. Rand needs to be protected before the Forsaken find him. He isn't ready to fight them.

Footsteps on the corridor pulled Moiraine out of her thoughts. Lan! Her Warder paid her a visit each time her visitors left her. She knew it was bothering him that she didn't include him. His anger was audible, and sometimes, it was even visible on his face.

Yet, the stubborn man refused to leave. No matter how often she told him to return to Nynaeve, he insisted on staying by her side. He cared deeply for the Wisdom from the Two Rivers. Why wasn't he leaving? Didn't he want to be happy? Didn't he want a loving wife and a family?

Moiraine didn't know how much longer she could keep up the act. She hated herself for ignoring Lan. It was so hard to avoid him when all she wanted was to be close to him. Light, she missed him so much!

The emptiness within her sometimes felt unbearable. There were days when she didn't want to get out of bed because her heart hurt too much. For hours, she lay in her bed curled up in a ball, longing for everything she had lost. She even called for Lan through the bond in those moments, which never reached him. Her Warder could no longer feel her. Their bond was broken forever.

And then there was her mind. It felt so empty without Lan's presence. The Aes Sedai and Warder both liked silence and weren't much talkers. They could sit together for hours and wouldn't get bored – at least in the past.

Lan's presence in the back of her head had given Moiraine security. She knew the Malkieri was always there, always watching over her. As long as she could feel him, she was never alone. That man was her home!

But instead of showing him how much he meant to her, she had to hurt the man she loved with all her heart to save his life. When would he finally give up on her?

Suddenly, Moiraine realized she was still holding the poem in her hands. Lan couldn't know about it! Light, he would never leave her side again once he knew the truth!

Quickly, she grabbed some papers to have something in her hands. The poem wouldn't look too suspicious if she held more than one piece of paper. Please, let it fool him. Lan can't know about its existence.

The woman of the Blue Ajah took a deep breath. She needed to calm herself and put her mask in place. Should he see her like that, he would know something was up, and Moiraine didn't know how much longer she could ignore his questions before she would tell him everything. She WANTED to tell him about what she had found out but knew she couldn't do it if she wanted him to survive.

A knock at the door made her wince though she had expected it. Lan was there! Moiraine never invited him in, yet he always came in. That room didn't belong to her. The house belonged to Verin and Adeleas, and she and Lan were only guests.

When the door opened carefully, the Aes Sedai focused on a letter while she continued to walk up and down. She couldn't sit down. She was too nervous and needed to move. Her eyes wanted to move to the door, but she forced them to stay on the thin lines before her – the lines, a blur before her eyes.

Moiraine didn't need to see Lan to know he had entered the room. It was like his presence washed over her as soon as he was close, letting her relax and giving her a feeling of safety. It was Lan's unique talent – one he probably didn't even know about. Yet, Moiraine loved him for it.

From the corner of her eyes, she recognized Lan's tunic, and his scent filled the room. How was it possible that her body reacted so strongly to one person?!

"How did it go?"

Moiraine's legs nearly gave in when she heard Lan's tender voice. He used a different approach this time, and blood and ashes! – Her heart almost broke! Why couldn't he be angry with her anymore?! Why couldn't he growl and be pissed at her?! It was so much easier to be a pain in the ass when he was angry with her. But now? How should she deal with his kindness?

She knew what the Malkieri was doing there. He tried to break through her wall, so she let him back in. If he continued like that… Moiraine's hand trembled slightly. She didn't want to hurt Lan anymore! The poor man tried his best to give her room and to be patient, and now, he even tried to forget everything she had done to him and gave her another chance to talk to him! Light, when would that have an end?!

The Cairhien woman swallowed. She couldn't let him know how weak her wall was. If he continued like that, she couldn't keep the mask in place. Blood and ashes, Lan! I need you to be angry with me! Carefully, she took a few steps.

"Who was he, Moiraine?"

Moiraine could've cried when she heard the slight annoyance in his voice. Her silence must have crushed his patience, and now, his anger returned slowly, which made it easier for her. "Bayle Doman," she said absentmindedly, though it was only a farce. She wasn't actually reading the paper. "A sailor from Illian."

Short answers – that was all she was giving him to keep him at a distance. She knew Lan hated it. As a Warder, he liked to be fully informed – wanted to know everything – so he could protect her as best as possible. But Moiraine's short answers only contained small pieces of information – enough to keep him interested, yet not enough to be fully informed.

"Why was he here? What did you want from him?"

Oh, his tone became angrier by the second and more demanding. He hated to ask too many questions, and it pissed him off that Moiraine placed the role of the curious man on him – a man who continuously pushed her to get his answers.

The woman of the Blue Ajah smiled in relief. Keeping her secrets to herself, always pushed Lan out of the room. He had no patience to ask thousands of questions. Maybe a reminder that she was indeed keeping secrets from him would help to make him angry enough to leave.

Smiling, the Aes Sedai faced her Warder. "Is an Aes Sedai not allowed her secrets?"

There was a moment of silence, and it seemed to Moiraine like Lan had stopped breathing. Then he suddenly brought down his arm, hitting the table with a loud bang so everything was shaking dangerously.

The Cairhien woman couldn't stop herself from wincing at the Malkieri's reaction. She had expected of him to storm out of the room but not that he would turn violent. What had made him snap?

"Don't smile at me. Shut me out and try to drive me away, but don't you dare smile at me as if everything is fine – as if you don't know exactly what you're doing."

The rage on his face was nothing Moiraine had ever seen on him. Lan never lost his temper. When he got angry over something, he used his sword training to calm himself. And never ever had he raised his voice at her!

Carefully, the Aes Sedai returned to her chair, never leaving her Warder out of her eyes. She didn't dare to move hastily – the man was a warrior, trained to attack when he felt threatened. But right now, Lan seemed surprised at his own outburst, desperately trying to control his emotions.

When Moiraine sat in her chair, she could see how he worked on rebuilding his inner wall. His outburst had been a start but was still not enough to drive him away completely. As much as she hated to do it, she needed to break down his wall. She needed Lan to leave her!

Lan's eyes found hers, and Moiraine saw the pain in them. Time to push him a little bit further. Calmly, she said, "I'll have my dinner up here tonight."

The look in her Warder's eyes could have frozen a pond, and a cold shiver ran down the Aes Sedai's back. Light, she had never thought she would receive such a look from him! Lan looked like he didn't care what she wanted. Moiraine wondered if he would care if her heart stopped beating at that moment.

"Make it yourself."

She hadn't shattered his wall, but her words had brought out a cold and dismissive Lan – a man she had never known existed in him.

Shocked, she watched how he turned around and left the room. "And have it wherever you want."

Quietly, Moiraine listened to how Lan's footsteps became quieter the further away he went until she couldn't hear them anymore. Then she raised her eyebrows in surprise. She had done it. She had finally pushed Lan so hard that he didn't care about her anymore.

Confused, the Cairhien woman tried to understand what exactly had pissed off the Malkieri. He had been mad because she had smiled at him. After all that time, with all those harsh words she had used, after ignoring him, keeping secrets from him, and treating him terribly, it had finally been enough. The strong man from the Borderlands had lost his temper with her – because she had smiled at him!

Moiraine dropped all the papers except for the poem from the sailor. Her thoughts were already spinning. Now that Lan hated her, he wouldn't follow her should she disappear. But would he go to Tar Valon? Would he try to find Nynaeve or search for his death in the Blight?

Nervously, she bit her lip. Twenty years ago, she had saved the stupid man before he wasted his life in a pointless fight against the dark. For twenty years, she had given him a purpose to live. But what would happen should she leave without him?

She wasn't dead. The bond couldn't be unmasked due to her stilling, but it wasn't broken. Lan didn't feel the urge to kill himself or to revenge her – especially not after how she had treated him.

Yet, the uncrowned king of Malkier was a stubborn idiot, and the Cairhien woman didn't believe for one second that he would do the right thing and search for Nynaeve. The Wisdom was out of his reach – at least in his eyes.

I need to find someone who will bring him back to the White Tower. Someone I can trust and who Lan will follow.

The first face that appeared before her eyes was Siuan's. Siuan was strong enough to push Lan into the right direction, and he knew he could trust her. Moiraine would even say the two had become friends over the years, and she was sure they talked about her and her dangerous ideas when she wasn't present. Lan didn't have many people he could talk to about their mission.

But then the Cairhien woman shook her head. She couldn't ask for Siuan's help. How should the powerful Amyrlin Seat explain to the Aes Sedai that she went to Tifan's Well to bring back a broken Warder to the White Tower? Especially since everyone believed that Siuan and Moiraine hated each other. No, the woman of Tear wasn't an option, though Moiraine wished she could ask her lover. It would be the best solution for everyone.

The Aes Sedai stood up and started to walk up and down again. Who else could she trust to take care of Lan? Another Blue Sister? Anaiya? No, Lan barely knew her. He wouldn't follow her to Tar Valon.

Lan has nothing to worry about. You'll be here with us for a long time. Alanna's face appeared before Moiraine's eyes. The Green Sister was trustworthy and she had two Warders who were good friends of Lan. They could encourage the Malkieri should it be necessary. And they all knew Nynaeve.

And Alanna wouldn't care about Moiraine's exile. The two Aes Sedai had been good friends for decades, and the woman from Arafel wasn't someone who followed every rule by the book. She would come when she received Moiraine's letter without telling anyone about it.

The woman of the Blue Ajah threw the poem on the table, then searched for fresh paper and ink among the piles of books. She couldn't lose any more time. The sooner she was gone, the madder Lan would be at her. If she gave him time to calm himself…

Moiraine shook her head. No, she wouldn't think about that possibility. Lan hated her and that was all that mattered. If she had to go through all that again – if she had to hurt him again – Moiraine didn't know how much longer she could do it. Every time was like a stab to her heart, and the pained look on Lan's face wasn't helping either.

No, this time, it had to work. This time, she had to leave while the anger was still raging through Lan's veins, and he was pissed at her.

The Aes Sedai didn't think much about what she should write to Alanna. The Green Sister would understand the urgency – maybe even remembering their conversation in Moiraine's room at the White Tower when they had been mourning Kerene and worried about Stepin. Moiraine had no doubt that Alanna would save Lan. She wouldn't let him kill himself like Stepin had.

Alanna loved men, and Moiraine had seen how her friend had looked admiring at the uncrowned king of Malkier over the years. She would love to get her hands on Lan. The Cairhien woman only hoped her Warder wouldn't run.

As soon as the last line had been drawn and dried, the desperate woman grabbed everything necessary she would need for her journey. She was certain she would forget some things but didn't have time to thoroughly think about her next steps. Time was of the essence.

The next story will be uploaded on Sunday.

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