Moiraine and Lan awake in the morning but have to deal with the aftermath of their injuries and the poison. The Cairhien woman continues to push her Warder away, though it gets harder, and they both use words they don't mean.

Quote: "You sure you don't need more healing?" (Adeleas)

When Moiraine awoke in the morning, she immediately noticed the warm body beside her and Lan's scent surrounding her. Smiling, she snuggled closer against him. Her Warder was still asleep, yet he reacted to her movement. His arm – which he had wrapped protectively around her – tightened its grip and pulled her closer. Moiraine could have laid like this forever.

Usually, she was an early bird – leaving bed as soon as she was thinking – but today, her body felt heavy and ached, and she had no desire to get up. Lan's embrace filled her with love. Although she always acted like she didn't need any help and could do everything on her own, the Aes Sedai secretly loved Lan's protective behavior.

His strong arms always had the right pressure, and she loved the little kisses Lan pressed against her temple or hair when no one was watching. All those little things warmed her like nothing else in the world. Well, except for Siuan's kisses and when she touched her. Those were incredible, too, and the Cairhien woman never wanted to miss them. Siuan made her body ache with one simple…

Moiraine took a deep breath to fill her nose with Lan's scent. It wasn't a good idea to think about her lover and her talented fingers. It only made her body tingle and left her longing, and she didn't want Lan to wake up to that. The poor man didn't deserve that.

No, the Cairhien woman enjoyed lying there with the Malkieri, listening to his calm breathing. They rarely had many peaceful moments in their life and had learned to cherish them whenever they happened. Way too soon, they would be back on their horses, continuing with their mission. There was never enough time to breathe.

But sometimes, the two of them allowed themselves to sleep in. It wasn't much but a small luxury they both needed – especially when they shared the same bed.

Moiraine smiled when she remembered how shocked she had been the first time she had found Lan in her bed. It hadn't been on purpose. The night before, they had fought against a small group of Whitecloaks and barely escaped them. They had found a little tavern in a small village, but Lan had been too worried to sleep. He had insisted on staying awake, protecting her from any possible danger coming through the door of their room.

The Aes Sedai remembered her Warder sitting down beside her, his eyes never leaving the door, and he hadn't touched her at all. But when she awoke in the morning, Lan had fallen asleep – the poor man had been exhausted after the fight with their enemies – and their bodies had automatically searched for each other in their sleep.

After realizing what had happened, Moiraine had thrown Lan out of the room in shock. He had apologized a thousand times, but the Aes Sedai had been too shocked to accept it. The funny thing was, she hadn't been angry about Lan's action. It had been her body's reaction that shocked her the most. Before that night, the Cairhien woman had never shared the bed with a man – not in a romantic nor platonic way – and she never had longed for that experience. Yet, her hands had grabbed Lan's tunic like it was the only thing keeping her grounded.

I was such a fool.

Moiraine had needed two hours of feeling Lan's guilt over his inappropriate behavior before she let him back into the room, apologizing for her overreaction. Yet, the Malkieri had still believed that it had been his fault and not hers and vowed never to touch her again without asking.

The following months had been strange because the Warder always ensured that there was a certain distance between them. It got better after a cold winter night, which they had spent in a barn with no fire to warm them. The blankets hadn't been enough to keep them warm, so Moiraine had moved to Lan's shivering form and proposed an arrangement to survive the night. Since then, the ice had been broken, and whenever one of them needed the close contact, they communicated through the bond.

Smiling, the Aes Sedai dove into their bond. How was her Warder doing? Did he felt as relaxed as she felt?

Shocked, Moiraine opened her eyes. She couldn't feel Lan! The bond was silent, and the place in her head, which was reserved for her Warder, was empty! Why couldn't she feel him?!

Quickly, the Cairhien woman opened herself to Saidar. Had she masked the bond by accident? Was that the reason for the silence?

Another shock wave moved over Moiraine when she couldn't touch the One Power. What was happening?! Was that even real, or was she caught in a nightmare?!

And then all her memories returned at once. The Eye of the World. Ishamael, stilling her. Her bond with Lan, masked for all eternity. Lan, staying with her though she had nothing to offer. Her plan to push him away so he would return to the White Tower – return to Nynaeve. His outburst. Her nightly run. The Myrddraals!

The picture of Lan fighting against two Fades appeared before her eyes. Moiraine had stopped counting how many times the poisonous blades had hit him. But she remembered, the big cut he received on his chest.

Breathlessly, her fingers parted his tunic to reveal his bare chest. Luckily, the man before her hadn't tied it. But there was no injury left on his chest. A scar was everything that reminded of the terrible incident.

A faint shadow caught the Cairhien woman's eye, and she took a closer look. There! She could still see the shadow of the poison, which had run through Lan's veins. He wasn't healed completely! Adeleas should have healed him! Why didn't she?! What did this woman do to him?

He took care of Adeleas. She fell asleep in my room.

The Green Sister had fallen asleep in Lan's room. Why had she been in Lan's room?! Had they been alone?! It was never a good idea to take your eyes off Adeleas. The woman hunted the Malkieri for months!

Again, Moiraine wanted to touch Saidar only to be blocked again. Tears built up in her eyes. She couldn't heal her Warder! He got injured protecting her from the Fades, and she couldn't even heal him!

Suddenly, Lan groaned, pulling her closer, though that was impossible. He woke up slowly like he had noticed her distress. We can't be that close! Lan will draw the wrong conclusions if I don't do anything!

Heavy-heartedly, the Cairhien woman placed both her hands on his chest and tried to break free from the Malkieri's embrace, knowing very well that would wake him immediately.

Of course, the uncrowned king of Malkier tightened his grip instead of letting go. His body knew very well who he was holding, and his first instinct was protection. He had to protect her from whatever was frightening her. Moiraine fought harder against him.

"What… Moiraine… what are you-?"

"Let go of me!"

Sleepily, the Warder opened his arms reflexively. He wasn't the kind of guy who went against the wishes of a woman – especially not when that woman was his bonded Aes Sedai.

Quickly, Moiraine rolled on her other side and pushed herself into a sitting position. Pain exploded in her body where the Fade had hit her. Blood and ashes! How was that possible? Verin had healed her. She shouldn't be in pain.

Gasping, she pressed her hand on the healed wound. The pain wasn't as intense as it had been when she had received it, but the phantom pain that lingered in her body was still painful.

"Moiraine!"

Again, Lan acted on instinct. He sat upright, reaching out for her – wanting to help her. In the next second, the Cairhien woman heard the Malkieri gasp in her back, and her head turned automatically back to him. Worry shimmered in her eyes. So, she wasn't the only one dealing with the phantom pain. Verin and Adeleas were truly not the best healers of the Aes Sedai. Those two were better with words and books than tending to injuries.

Yet, the uncrowned king of Malkier seemed to handle his pain better than the woman of the Blue Ajah. Moiraine registered too late that Lan reached out for her to grab her arm, trying to pull her back to him. Light, she couldn't let that happen!

"Let go." Moiraine hissed through gritted teeth. Her attempts at freeing her arm were useless. Lan's grip was too strong.

"Moiraine, wait. Please."

"Let go!"

The grip around her arm loosened, and the Aes Sedai used the opportunity to flee from her Warder. She could barely breathe through the pain and had to lean against the bedpost to stay upright.

"What are you doing in here?"

"We must have fallen asleep." Lan sounded as surprised as she had felt finding him in her bed. "I can't even remember how long I was in here. The healing took more strength than I had thought."

"You shouldn't have come in the first place. Why didn't you stay in your room after Adeleas healed you?"

The Malkieri's eyes shimmered with anger when he looked at her. His voice sounded cold. "Forgive me for worrying about you after you have been injured by a Myrddraal."

Moiraine felt sick. How much longer did she have to keep up with that scheme? How much longer did she have to hurt him? "You knew Verin would heal me."

"There are things I like to see with my own two eyes."

The Aes Sedai didn't know what to say. It was natural that her Warder wanted to check on her when she had been injured. She would do the same thing if their roles had been switched. Light, it had been her plan to look after Lan as soon as Verin had left her room, but the Malkieri had been faster. Remember! You need to push him away! Be cruel, even if it hurts!

"Leave."

"Moiraine-"

"Leave!"

Lan didn't move. His eyes were locked on his bondholder, and Moiraine saw how he tried to deal with his anger. Would he have another outburst like yesterday?

"Why did you leave without telling me?"

His question caught her by surprise. Her Warder didn't even try to argue with her. Instead, he ignored her order completely. Moiraine opened her mouth, but Lan was faster.

"What were you thinking to leave the house in the middle of the night? You were alone and had no weapon to defend yourself."

"I…" Blood and ashes! Lan's questions overwhelmed her! She couldn't think clearly! "I had a weapon," she protested weakly. "I had my dagger."

"A dagger against a Fade?!" Finally, the Malkieri got on his feet as well to be at the same eye level as her, though it seemed for a moment that the pain would overwhelm him. He turned pale like a ghost. "You know how hard it is to fight against a Myrddraal! And you thought a dagger was enough protection against the Shadowspawn?!"

Moiraine grimaced. She knew her plan hadn't been thought through, but she had used what she had been able to get her hands on. "I didn't intend to deal with an Eyeless that early."

"You didn't intend? We're traveling through this land for over twenty years, Moiraine. You know very well that you must expect an attack at any time. And I'm not even talking about the Shadowspawn. Bandits, thieves, men, looking for a lonely woman they can use to satisfy their needs." The Aes Sedai saw that her Warder didn't like any of those possibilities. He grabbed the opposite bedpost of her to steady himself. "The Whitecloaks would love to get their hands on you."

"It was in the middle of the night! I didn't expect to run into anyone!"

"Why didn't you tell me about your plan? Why didn't you tell me you wanted to leave? Do you think I enjoy staying here?"

The Aes Sedai huffed. He didn't like Tifan's Well? As if she would enjoy it to be dependent on the good will of her sisters. "I told you multiple times that you are-"

"I'm not leaving you!" Moiraine winced, but Lan wasn't finished. "How many times do I have to tell you?! I'm leaving WITH you or not at all!"

Her throat tightened. Lan. Her wonderful, incredible, and loyal Warder. At any other time, she would have kissed and hugged him for his words but right now, she just wanted to cry. She didn't want to hurt him anymore. Why couldn't he see there was no future with her any longer? Without Saidar, she wasn't worth his protection. She couldn't fight by his side like they used to do. Her eyes burned from the upcoming tears. Blood and ashes! That man was killing her!

"I don't-"

"If you want to be free of me, you must release me officially!"

Lan's words were like a slap to the face. Release him?! Moiraine could never do that! It was already hard to imagine him with another woman – another woman who would hold his bond! Moiraine hated the imagination of another woman feeling Lan – sharing his ups and downs – while she couldn't! Lan was HER Warder, and he would always have a place in her heart, no matter what happened in the future!

No word crossed her lips. As an Aes Sedai, she couldn't lie, so her silence should be answer enough, but she wasn't sure if Lan realized the meaning of her silence. She saw the rage in his eyes, and he was breathing heavily. "If you want to get rid of me, say it!"

The woman of the Blue Ajah dug her fingernails into the bedpost. Foolish man! How could he say something like that?

"Are you bored of me, Moiraine?!" Another slap. The Aes Sedai finally realized how much she had hurt Lan in the past few months, and it seemed like he returned the favor now. "Am I not good enough for you anymore?! Did I disappoint you somehow?! Or did I forget something I don't know about?!"

She had to make him stop, or else she would break into tears before his eyes. The inner wall – which she had created around her feelings – was cracking, and she didn't know how many hits it could take.

"What did I do that you hate me that much?!"

"Get out." Moiraine's voice was so quiet that she barely heard herself. She swallowed and tried again. "Get out." It wasn't much better. Her throat felt tight like Lan had strangled her with his hands instead of words.

"I want an answer, Moiraine! I don't care which question you choose, but give me an answer! Stop shutting me out!"

"GET OUT!" The Aes Sedai's own anger broke through. She grabbed the bedpost so tightly that she wondered why it didn't break. "Get out of this room!"

At this moment, the door opened, and Verin and Tomas entered. "Dear light. Do you two intend to wake the entire house?"

Quickly, Moiraine turned her head away. She didn't want anyone to see how upset she was. Besides, she couldn't hold back her tears anymore. The first tears rolled over her cheeks.

There had been times when she and Lan hadn't agreed on something. But they had always been able to talk about it. Never had they had such a fight as bad as that one. Crying, she leaned her head against the bedpost. Her heart longed for Lan's embrace. Light, she wished she could turn back time. Twenty minutes would already be enough. Twenty minutes ago, she had been wrapped in Lan's arms – safe and loved. At this moment, she had been able to pretend everything was like it used to be.

"Lan." Unseen by the Cairhien woman, Verin had approached the upset Warder who couldn't take his eyes off his Aes Sedai. "I think it's best when you go back to your room. I assume you want to wash yourself and get properly dressed."

Lan looked like he wanted to snap at the older woman, then all the tension left his body, and he lowered his head. Moiraine wouldn't talk to him. Defeated, the Malkieri nodded, but a new wave of pain rolled over him when he moved, and he hissed.

Moiraine couldn't stop herself. Automatically, her head turned to Lan, watching the Malkieri from the corner of her eye. Her partner was in pain, and it was her fault. Heavy-heartedly, she watched the Brown Sister touching Lan, carefully checking him for injuries.

"What's wrong?" Verin asked, confused. "Adeleas and I healed all your wounds. You shouldn't be in pain."

"It seems like the poison lingers longer than the actual wound," the uncrowned king of Malkier said through gritted teeth. Then gave Verin a painful smile. "I'll be all right."

But Verin wasn't convinced. "Tomas. Get Lan back to his room. Adeleas shall heal him again."

The old Warder appeared on Lan's other side and nodded.

"And Tomas?" Verin waited until she had her Warder's full attention. "Stay with them this time. It's not a good idea to leave Adeleas with him without someone watching them."

"Understood."

Lan glanced at Moiraine one last time, and their eyes met for a heartbeat before the Aes Sedai turned her head away again. She didn't watch the men leave. Quickly, she wiped away her tears but couldn't stop her heart from hurting. That whole situation felt… wrong.

"Now, sister. Let's take care of you. Shall we?"

In Chapter 2, we will see a second attempt to talk about everything. Sadly, Moiraine isn't willing to let Lan know about her plans.

The next story will be uploaded on Sunday.

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