Chapter 1 – I can't

Yesterday, I realized that I have received comments in April, but didn't inform me about it. I am terribly sorry I didn't respond to them. I don't often get reviews on this page, so I don't check on them often when I don't get an email to inform me about a new review.

To Lynn Sedai: I'm glad you like my stories and that they make you happy. I totally understand you. I fell in love with Moiraine and Lan as well from the first moment I saw them together, and I can't get enough of them since then (especially since Rosamund Pike and Daniel Henney have such an incredible chemistry on screen). Luckily, there are fanfics to give fans more about their favorite characters :D

To MoiraineLan4eva: I'm sorry you had to wait for the new chapter longer, though I had promised to upload it on Sunday, April 21st. As you may have read in my statement in chapter 34, life had a different plan for me. I had to spend a few days in hospital after giving birth to my little wonder and hadn't been able to upload (or inform my readers about my absence). My uploads slowed down since then, but I will continue to give my readers new stories (we just reached the last story of Episode 2. There are more episodes ahead of us :P).

I hope you all stay with me and continue to enjoy my stories.

Imagine yourself hugged :D

Moiraine remembers a moment when she had suppressed her feelings before.

Quote: "Alanna will see you to the Tower. I'll have her take your bond by force if I must." (Moiraine)

Moiraine didn't turn around. Ride. She didn't look at Alanna or her Warders. Ride. Her blood was rushing loudly in her ears. Ride. Her heart pounded painfully in her chest while she felt guilt and shame weighing heavily on her shoulders. Ride!

She had to stop Aldieb once she couldn't breathe anymore. The mare danced nervously when she felt the discomfort of her rider, unable to do anything.

The Cairhien woman started to tremble so she leaned forward, grabbing Aldieb's mane and hiding her face in it.

We've never been equals.

It was impossible to forget the look on Lan's face. The pain, the disbelief – light, he had looked so broken! After everything she had thrown at him in the last few months, she had truly cut deep with her words today. She had wanted to take it back the second the words had left her mouth. If only she could've explained to him why she had been able to say it!

Lan's conclusion to her words had been visible on his face. He honestly believed that she had played with him all those years. That stupid man thought he had been nothing more than an errand boy to her.

Moiraine wished she could turn around. She wanted to throw herself into Lan's arms. His embrace was not from that world, and her body – her soul! – longed to go back. Although their bond was broken, she felt a strong pull tugging at her – begging her to reunite with the one person who completed her, her soulmate.

But she couldn't turn around. Lan deserved more than a broken Aes Sedai who couldn't protect him. She wasn't worthy of his protection anymore.

The Malkieri had so much to offer. He was a brilliant swordsman and had a sharp mind. Nynaeve would be very pleased with him.

A wave of jealousy hit the woman of the Blue Ajah, stabbing her right in the heart. No matter how often she told herself that Lan deserved to be with the woman he loved, she couldn't get rid of her jealousy. Lan had been hers for such a long time, and she still loved him though it had been her decision to set him free.

Slowly, Moiraine walked through their camp. She felt the eyes of the Reds on her, watching her every move. Since Kerene had fallen, Liandrin took over their little group, letting the woman of the Blue Ajah know that she wasn't welcome.

Moiraine was glad that she at least had Alanna on her side. The Green Sister ensured that her friend wasn't bothered too much by the blonde snake, including her in the circle of the Greens.

But right now, she couldn't stand Alanna's joyful being. At the moment, she needed her Warder. Usually, the Cairhien woman didn't ask for comfort, but after the last few days, she longed for the Malkieri's touch. Lan had nearly died because of Logain and Stepin, and Moiraine couldn't shake the feeling. Their bond had almost disappeared.

Luckily, her Warder was in a good mood at the moment. Whatever he was doing, he obviously took a break from watching over Stepin. Moiraine knew it was hard for Lan to see his friend suffering, knowing there was nothing he could do to help him. Instead, the Warders had to ensure that Kerene's Warder didn't try to kill himself.

Well, maybe he was training with his sword. Going through his movements always calmed him. Although, the Cairhien woman wondered why he hadn't entered Ko'di. Usually, he used it during training.

She hoped she could talk him into taking a walk so she would get the opportunity to take his hand once they were out of sight of everyone. Maybe the Malkieri would even put his arm around her shoulders.

Finding Lan was easy. He hadn't gone far from the camp, and soon, Moiraine heard the sound of clashing swords. He had found a partner to train with.

The Cairhien woman stepped out between the trees, shielding her eyes from the sun. A clearing lay beneath her, and she saw four figures fighting with swords. Surprised, Moiraine realized that the uncrowned king of Malkier had found more than just one partner.

Once her eyes had adjusted to the bright light, she recognized Alanna's Warders – Maksim and Ihvon – and the fourth one… was Nynaeve!

The young woman from the Two Rivers used a real sword – just like the men – and she obviously didn't hold back. The Warders seemed to enjoy her energy and went with it, though Moiraine saw that Lan wasn't giving everything and assumed that Ihvon and Maksim didn't fight with their full strength. Yet, Alanna's Warders couldn't stop themselves from teasing the Wisdom, working with her fire and allowing her to get close to them, though she never broke through their barrier.

Laughter echoed over the clearing, and it warmed the Aes Sedai's heart to see her Warder in such a good mood. After everything they had been through, he had a beautiful day with his brothers and… Nynaeve.

Even from a distance, the Cairhien woman saw the sparkle in his eyes and felt his admiration for the Wisdom. Unlike Moiraine, Nynaeve didn't seem to bother to swing a sword.

A stab of jealousy hit Moiraine. That young woman was a perfect match for the Malkieri. She completed him like Moiraine never could.

Lan had tried to teach his bondholder to use a sword and dagger countless times over the years, but Moiraine hadn't been a very good student. Had Lan ever smiled like that when they had trained? She couldn't remember. But now…

The woman of the Blue Ajah swallowed, then took a deep breath to suppress her longing. It wasn't fair to take him out of his training. He was having so much fun – she could feel that. It would be selfish to drag him away.

Nynaeve yelled something at Alanna's Warders, and their laughter made her even angrier. Lan watched them, then froze when something caught his attention. When the uncrowned king of Malkier faced her, Moiraine knew that he must have felt her through the bond. So much for suppressing her feelings.

Quickly, the Aes Sedai forced a smile on her lips. She didn't want Lan to leave training. He shouldn't worry about her. Yet, she felt his question through the bond. He wanted to know if she needed him.

Moiraine knew Lan would immediately end the training to follow her. The man always put his own interests aside, but the Cairhien woman couldn't do it this time.

So, instead of calling him to her, she shook her head to show him that he wasn't needed, then turned around and fled the scene before she changed her mind.

The longing to touch Lan was still there, turning her stomach upside down because she didn't give in to it. Light, she couldn't be that selfish! Lan had a good day, and she wouldn't ruin it for him. She would check on Aldieb. Her beautiful mare would cheer her up.

Night had fallen over the camp, and Moiraine had picked up a book. Aldieb had eased her longing for Lan's touch for a while, though it wasn't enough to get rid of it. And then Liandrin had appeared, provoking Moiraine by asking her if she had already prepared her departure.

The woman of the Blue Ajah hadn't seen her Warder for the rest of the day. When the Aes Sedai hat sat together around the fire, she had thrown a glance toward the Warder's fire, only seeing his back. Stepin had sat on his left side while Nynaeve had taken the place on Lan's right.

The Wisdom was smiling at the Warders, but then her hand touched Lan's arm, pulling his eyes on her. The look in their eyes was so tender and full of love…

At that moment, the Cairhien woman had decided to turn her attention back on her sisters. She had wished to swap places with the young woman of the Two Rivers. The Warders' fire looked like the men had fun and included Nynaeve in their conversations. Meanwhile, the woman of the Blue Ajah had to endure her Red Sisters and their hate.

Of course, Moiraine could've joined the Warders but knew what Nynaeve thought about her and didn't want to end Lan's wonderful night. Yet, it had pained her to realize the Malkieri had fun without her.

Very quickly, she had left her sisters, entering her tent to read. A book had always eased her mind in the past. But it didn't help against her longing, and her memories of the day returned with it.

Lan, fighting with his brothers and Nynaeve. Lan, smiling at Nynaeve's attempts to keep up with the well-trained Warders. Lan, feeling happy through the bond.

Moiraine didn't know how much time had passed while she was lost in her thoughts – not reading a single word, though she had opened the book – when she heard the fabric of the tent falling back in place. Someone had entered her tent.

Surprised, she lifted her eyes and blinked when she recognized Lan, who placed his sword on his bed. "What are you doing here? Don't you need to watch over Stepin?" Slowly, she got to her feet, diving into the bond to search for a reason for his appearance. Wasn't he feeling well?

The uncrowned king of Malkier smiled softly at her, then removed his weapon belt. "Ihvon calls me when it's my turn. And since I have barely seen my Aes Sedai all day, I thought I'd pay her a visit so we could talk."

Lan had wanted to talk to her? She hadn't expected that. Was it possible he needed to be close to her, too, after the Logain incident? Or was he just trying to be nice?

"You watched our training earlier."

Moiraine sighed. Of course, he had questions about her appearance at his training. She rarely got close to him when he trained because she feared he would ask her to work on her fighting skills. Nervously, her fingers played with the book in her hands. At least, she managed to put on a smile for him.

"I felt your happiness and was curious about what put you in such a good mood."

"And that's it?" Lan didn't sound convinced. Moiraine felt him poking through the bond. He didn't believe her.

"Am I not allowed to check on you?" Her smile faded. Had she crossed a line? "I'm sorry if I interrupted your training. I didn't mean to distract you."

Finally, the Malkieri lowered his gaze and shook his head. "You didn't." Light, he sounded tired!

Moiraine's body wanted to close the distance between them, but she forced herself to stay put. It had been a long day for Lan and his night wasn't over yet. She shouldn't burden him with her need for comfort. Perhaps mentioning Nynaeve would cheer him up.

"Nynaeve seems to get better at using a sword. If you guys aren't careful, she will disarm you," she said, joking.

The Cairhien woman moved to a small table to go through her small pile of books. Lan shouldn't think she wanted information about the young woman from him. Everyone knew her sisters used every opportunity to get something out of the stubborn Wisdom.

"She… there is so much rage within her actions. Sometimes I wonder if she truly sees us or imagines someone else, she would like to kill."

"I wonder who that might be," Moiraine murmured to herself. She had a pretty good assumption about who was enemy number one on Nynaeve's list.

"She is scared… and stubborn," Lan said softly. Apparently, he had heard Moiraine's last words. "What is bothering you?"

The Aes Sedai felt her Warder getting closer. He had turned the conversation back on her. Why didn't he give up? She tried to make it easier for him. "What do you mean?"

"All day, I can feel that something is bothering you, but I don't know what it is. You seem to suppress it occasionally, but it's still there." Lan waited a moment, then stated, "You suppressed it when you watched our training."

Blood and ashes! That man could read her like an open book! Moiraine forced a fake smile on her lips and faced him. "I told you. I felt your happiness and-"

"You wanted to see what made me happy. Yes, you mentioned that. But that's not the entire truth, Moiraine." He took another step closer, his eyes holding hers until she couldn't stand it any longer, and turned her head away.

Quickly, she went through the books again, pretending to be busy. "I can mask the bond if my feelings distract you."

Anger rolled through the bond, then Lan grabbed her arm. It wasn't painful but enough to catch her attention. "Don't twist my words!" His grip loosened up, though his hand stayed. "You know how much I hate when you mask our bond. I don't like not being able to feel you."

Moiraine swallowed. His touch was extremely dangerous for her. She still longed for his embrace, and his presence in her back… The Cairhien woman nodded at his words since she didn't trust her voice.

"How can I help?"

Insufferable man! He knew exactly how to crawl under her skin! For a moment, Moiraine was tempted to ask him for a hug. Just for a minute… or two. That wouldn't hurt anyone.

But deep down, she knew a minute wasn't enough. She wanted Lan to hold her until they forgot the world around them. No, she would have to wait. Perhaps tomorrow, she could get a chance.

Sighing, the Aes Sedai freed her arm, grabbed the book at the top, and opened it. "I'll be all right."

The uncrowned king of Malkier didn't move, but she felt his anger through the bond. He hated not to know what was going on with her. Light, she hadn't wanted to ruin his day! He had been in such a good mood!

"Perhaps you can help Nynaeve with her rage. I think she wouldn't mind-"

Suddenly, Lan ripped the book out of her hands. Shocked, Moiraine turned to him. What had happened?

"Enough with this talk about Nynaeve. I don't want to talk about her or anyone else. All I want to know is what's bothering you." He tapped his finger against her forehead like she didn't know who he was talking about.

"Give me the book," Moiraine demanded, trying to take it out of his hands, but Lan kept the object out of her reach.

"Talk to me, Moiraine."

"I was reading that. Give it back."

The clever bastard placed the book behind his back so she was forced to step closer to him. Moiraine immediately realized her mistake. Her body was automatically pulled toward her Warder, and it was nearly impossible to hold herself back not to hug him.

"Fine. Keep it. I take a walk." She needed to run. If she stayed, she couldn't guarantee for her self-control.

"Moiraine." Lan sighed heavily when she moved to her bed to grab her cloak, then threw the book on her table. "Please, stay. It's dark outside."

"I can take care of myself. Besides, the Reds won't let me out of their sight."

"Moiraine, please." Lan closed the distance again while Moiraine put on her cloak.

"I need some air."

Suddenly, the Malkieri's fingers touched Moiraine's belly where the handle of Stepin's ax had pierced her skin during the fight against Logain. The Cairhien woman shivered when she felt cold rage rushing through their bond.

Lan's eyes were fixed on her belly, but Moiraine didn't need to ask to know what he was actually seeing. Her Warder was thrown back in time to the fight in the cave, obviously having the image of her injury before his eyes.

The look in the Malkieri's eyes was cold as ice, his facial muscles tight from gritting his teeth in anger. Logain would be a dead man should he appear in their tent at that moment.

Moiraine didn't like seeing him like that. Nynaeve had healed everyone, yet Lan seemed to believe it had been his mistake that she got hurt. "Lan." One hand covered his while the other cupped his cheek, her thumb stroking tenderly over his tight skin. "I'm healed. Nynaeve healed all of us, remember?"

"Take it off." His voice sounded pressed.

"What?" Instead of repeating himself, Lan pushed her cloak off her shoulders, letting it drop to the ground. "Lan, what-?" But the man wasn't finished yet. With quick fingers, he pulled her tunic out of her pants, pulling the fabric over her head.

Moiraine shrieked. Over the years, she got used to being naked before her Warder, but it didn't mean that she liked it when Lan shocked her like that. "Lan!"

Her tunic joined her cloak on the ground, and she glared at the Malkieri for his harsh treatment. One look at her Warder was enough to forget about her anger.

The poor man was focused on her belly, his fingertips moving gently over her healed skin. Lan's thoughts were still caught in the past, and his body needed to feel her to convince himself of the truth. She couldn't be mad at him!

Pain and sadness were palpable through the bond, adding to the Cairhien woman's own pain. Blood and ashes! If she didn't distance herself from the Malkieri immediately, she would…

Lan's forehead touched hers. It was the last piece Lan needed to do to break her wall. Tears built up in her eyes, and her throat became tight. Her hands cupped the Malkieri's face while her body melted against him. Light, she couldn't suppress her longing any longer!

"Moiraine?"

She heard Lan's confusion but couldn't answer. Her tears were running free now, though she tried her best to keep her mouth shut so she wouldn't sob before him.

"Did I hurt you?"

Foolish man! As if his treatment had actually hurt her. Quickly, Moiraine covered her mouth with one hand, but her tears didn't stop. "I'm sorry," she apologized. "Just… give me a moment to… to…."

The uncrowned king of Malkier didn't let her finish. Instead, he wrapped his arms around her, pulling their bodies together.

Moiraine's arms acted on instinct. They wrapped around Lan's neck, and she buried her face in the crook of his neck. Her entire body trembled while her wonderful Warder rubbed soothing circles on her back.

Sadly, it was of no use. The Aes Sedai had suppressed her feelings for too long, and now her body had gotten its revenge on her.

She didn't know for how long they stood there – she didn't even feel cold without her tunic – but Lan picked her up at one point and carried her to her bed. Their fight was long forgotten.

Her wonderful Warder placed her on his lap while preparing the bed one-handed before he ensured they both could lay down. Not once did he let go of her – not even when he took off his boots – and even placed the blanket over her thoroughly – remembering that she was naked from the waist up.

Slowly, Moiraine calmed down, but with the calm also came sleep. As good as Lan's embrace was, it pulled her into the darkness, and the Aes Sedai was too exhausted to resist its attraction. She was safe and wasn't freezing, thanks to her Warder's warmth. His scent surrounded her heavily, it was calming to hear his even breathing and feel the steady lifting of his chest underneath her head.

Additionally, the man had wrapped his arms around her – one hand on the back of her head to hold her in place – while she felt his nose buried within her locks. It was perfect. Content, Moiraine fell asleep.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone.

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