Quote: "No. I know what you really want. What all those cut off from the One Power desire most of all." (Moiraine)
This story is about the sanitarium and mental illness. Please be careful while you read it. I have no experience with mental illness or know anyone who has it, so I hope I don't insult anyone with my story.
to Lynn Sedai: There will be two more stories from Lan's POV where he will think about his life with Moiraine and the possibility of becoming Nynaeve's Warder. I don't mind Lan and Nynaeve being in love as long as Moiraine and Lan keep their bond. I love Moiraine and Lan's friendship and would really hate to see them lose it. However, I have to admit that BookNynaeve is annoying me. I'm curious what they will do to ShowNynaeve.
Moiraine does her best not to run from the False Dragon. She didn't want him to think that she was afraid of him. But being close to him… he reminded her of her own situation. A former channeler who was cut off from the One Power.
She had seen him suffering after they gentled him. She had seen his countless, desperate attempts to end his life. It was a terrible feeling to lose the connection to the One Power – for men and women. Never had Moiraine imagined she would be one of those people. She would have laughed at everyone who suggested such a ridiculous thought. And now…
The door to the garden closed behind the Aes Sedai, and she had to lean against the wall. Her heart was running, though she hadn't done much. And her throat felt tight - like someone was choking her. Why was it so hard to breathe?
Carefully, she leaned her head against the cold stone wall and closed her eyes. Deep breaths. In and out. Then repeating it.
Seeing Logain again had been hard. She barely had been able to keep her calm Aes Sedai mask in place. Light, she wished Lan was there! She missed his presence, always waiting a step behind her.
A bitter smile appeared on her lips. He wouldn't have approved of her plan to see Logain. The uncrowned king of Malkier would have tried to convince her not to visit the man who had been cut off from the One Power just like her. He would have suggested going himself and getting her the answers she needed without her getting in contact with Logain.
The Cairhien woman's fingers reached for the hidden dagger. She had promised the False Dragon that she would give him the weapon if he trained Rand.
Rand. The redhead from the Two Rivers had found Logain but, apparently, was too afraid to let the man teach him about the use of Saidin. Blood and ashes! Lanfear was out there, looking for him! And he couldn't use the One Power properly to defend himself!
Moiraine had given him months to himself. Months in which she had hoped he would learn. Months to find himself and accept who he was – and what he could do. But he had learned nothing. He was as stubborn as always.
Unconsciously, the woman of the Blue Ajah had gripped her dagger tighter. Quickly, she pulled her fingers away from the hilt. She shouldn't hold it too often.
Back in the garden with Logain, the blade had started whispering to her, promising her the sweetest things if she gave up the fight. No more pain, aching, and longing. Her heart wouldn't hurt any longer. Her body wouldn't feel unfamiliar anymore. Lan would be free.
We've never been equals.
The pained look on his face still haunted Moiraine whenever she closed her eyes. At that moment, her wonderful Warder had truly believed she thought of herself as being better than him. She had bit her tongue so she wouldn't explain her words to him in the following silence.
Over and over again, she had hurt him with her cruel behavior, but that stubborn man had refused to leave her. No matter what she threw at him had worked. Not even after she had told him about Rand's survival had he wanted to let her go.
Moiraine was glad, she had written to Alanna to bring Lan to the White Tower. Hopefully, it had helped the Malkieri to be surrounded by friends.
Are you happy now, Lan? Are you able to spend your time with Nynaeve? Have you already forgotten me?
Her eyes burned. It hurt to think that Lan had forgotten her. Yet, she couldn't blame him if he had. Why should he think about such a cruel Aes Sedai who hadn't acknowledged his countless attempts to be there for her?
A scream pulled the Aes Sedai out of her thoughts. What was that? Was there an attack on the sanitarium? But who would want to free a bunch of crazy people?
Quickly, Moiraine pulled herself together, then left the corridor to find the source of the scream. If they were attacked…
"My lady." Celestin rushed toward her, leaving two men with a screaming patient, who was lying on the ground, fighting against the grip of the men.
Surprised, Moiraine watched the patient. The sanitarium wasn't attacked. It was simply a man who had lost his mind. How could she have forgotten where she was?
"I'm sorry you have to see that. If you give us a moment, we will escort the man back to his room so you can pass safely. Please excuse me."
Celestin didn't wait for an answer. She probably didn't expect a lady to respond other than giving her the order to get the crazy man out of her sight.
Curious, Moiraine watched how the two men helped the screaming man to his feet and then led him down the corridor. She was in a sanitarium. Logain Ablar was as mad as everyone else in that building.
And at the end, if I'm satisfied with his progress… I'll leave the knife with you.
She had given a desperate man hope of being freed from his pain. What had she been thinking? Her fingers found the hilt of the dagger again, gripping it tightly. She got what she came for. Logain told her where she could find Rand. But she had to be careful. The young man wouldn't hesitate to run as far from her as possible if she approached him in the wrong way.
An agonized moan caught the Cairhien woman's attention, and her feet decided for her to check it out. The door of the next room stood open, and Moiraine saw a man lying in a bed, but he threw his body restless from one side to the other while agonized moans left his throat.
Finally, the other sounds reached her ears, and she looked the corridor up and down. So many people. And no one could help them with their pain. The woman of the Blue Ajah turned away from the man in the bed and continued her path down the hall.
Since the doors stood open, she had a good view of the residents of each room. One woman simply sat on a chair, staring out the window. Another man was tied to the wall, laughing all the time.
The Aes Sedai lost count of how many rooms she passed or how much time she spent wandering around on her own. Suddenly, she was pulled toward another open door. A dark-haired woman sat on her bed, hugging herself while rocking her body back and forth. She was murmuring something, but Moiraine couldn't understand her, so she stepped closer.
"I'm not worth it. I'm not worth it. I'm not worth it."
The words were like a stab to the heart, and Moiraine had trouble breathing. How many times had she thought those words in the last few months? How many times had she repeated that phrase in her mind?
Moiraine's vision blurred, and suddenly, she saw herself sitting on the bed, rocking back and forth. What if Verin and Adeleas hadn't taken her in on Tifan's Well? What if Lan had decided that she turned mad and placed her in a sanitarium?
Her cruel behavior. Her unwillingness to eat or to communicate with her Warder or sisters. All signs that she wasn't acting like herself. Signs she needed to be watched.
Everyone around her could have put her in a sanitarium at any time. She was an Aes Sedai without the One Power. A broken woman who lost her sanity a little bit more with every passing day.
"I'm not worth it. I'm not worth it. I'm not worth it."
The monotone voice of the woman allowed Moiraine's thoughts to drift, pulling her into a nightmare where nothing had gone as planned.
Absentmindedly, Moiraine stared out the window. She sat on her bed in the sanitarium and could hear the birds singing outside but didn't feel like moving. She didn't know how long she was sitting there or what day it was. Time had become irrelevant.
It had been such a long time since she lost her connection to the One Power and Lan's bond with it. She had been in a terrible mood, and he had endured it for a while until he brought her to the sanitarium. The Cairhien woman couldn't even remember when she had seen him for the last time.
"There she is." Suddenly, a female voice reached Moiraine's ear, pulling her out of her mind. "Moiraine? You have a visitor."
Surprised, the woman of the Blue Ajah turned her head toward the door. Celestin, the head of the sanitarium, had entered her room, and beside her stood… "Lan." Love filled her heart when she saw the handsome man standing there.
"I'll leave you two," Celestin said, then left the room.
Stiffly, the uncrowned king of Malkier walked to the bed and sat beside the Cairhien woman. In the next moment, Moiraine threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly.
"I missed you." She didn't notice Lan didn't return the hug. Instead, he grabbed her arms and freed himself carefully. "What took you so long to visit me?"
"I was busy."
Moiraine's eyes lit up. "Did you find a solution for me to channel again?"
Sadness moved over Lan's face, and Moiraine's hope died. He hadn't found anything. How much longer did she have to wait?
"Moiraine. We talked about this. There is nothing anyone can do about your condition. You have been stilled. Do you remember?"
She remembered, but she didn't want to believe that it truly was the end. The One Power was there – just at her fingertips. It was… like a wall that kept her from touching it. And without it, she couldn't restore her bond with Lan.
Sighing, she placed her hands in her lap and lowered her eyes. "I know what happened to me. But I hope… maybe there will be some way to… get Saidar back. I want to channel again. I want to unmask our bond." Smiling sadly, the Cairhien woman looked at him lovingly, then cupped his cheek. "I miss you. I miss your presence in my head and your feelings through the bond."
The uncrowned king of Malkier closed his eyes at her words before he gently removed her hand from his cheek. "Moiraine." His voice was so quiet and soft while he rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. "Even if there's a way to undo what… the Dark One did to you… you can't unmask our bond." He swallowed, then continued, "I'm bonded to Nynaeve now. She is my wife. Don't you remember?"
His words were like a slap to the face. Nynaeve was Lan's bonded Aes Sedai now? And his wife? How could she have forgotten that? Light, how long was she already in that room?!
"Right." Her voice sounded hoarse, but she forced herself to continue. She didn't want to cry before Lan. "I told you to go to Tar Valon. I pushed you in her direction."
"She is a powerful Aes Sedai and needs a Warder."
"And since I can't touch Saidar any longer, I'm in no need of one. I understand." The woman of the Blue Ajah forced another sad smile on her lips. "Please, forgive me. The days start to blur the longer I'm here, making me forget things. Nynaeve chose wisely. There is no better one to protect her."
Lan gave her a sad smile, then lowered his eyes in shame. Moiraine almost laughed when she realized how easy it still was for her to read him. "What is it?"
"There is a reason for my visit."
"Except for seeing me?" Moiraine joked, but this time, Lan didn't smile at her.
"I came to say goodbye."
Confused, the Cairhien woman furrowed her forehead. "Goodbye? What are you talking about?"
"Nynaeve… she doesn't like me visiting you all the time."
All the time? Moiraine almost snorted at his choice of words. His last visit must have been weeks ago.
"And she wants to help people again. So, she spoke with her sisters of the Yellow Ajah. Nynaeve will return to the Two Rivers to help the village people of Andor when someone gets sick… And I will go with her."
Shocked, Moiraine pulled her hand out of his grasp. She felt cold all of a sudden. "And you leave me here? Alone, in that bloody building?"
"It wasn't an easy decision for me." Lan's eyes begged for understanding while his fingers stroked her cheek gently. "I still care about you, but Nynaeve is my wife and Aes Sedai now. I have to go with her."
"How shall I ever get out of here if you don't come to help me?" Ashamed, Lan's hand sank back into his lap. "I'm doing better whenever you come here. Celestin admitted that I was making progress. How shall I get better without you?"
"Moiraine-"
"And what about our mission? Have you forgotten about that?"
Anger shone in the Malkieri's eyes. "Our mission is over, Moiraine. Rand defeated the Dark One, yet nothing changed. The wheel keeps turning, and we still have to fight against Shadowspawn once in a while. The boy's battle didn't help anyone, and now he's dead. The Dragon Reborn is dead. It took hundreds of years for him to be reborn. We won't live until the next one is born again." His lips turned into a grim line. "Our mission is over, and you know it. But since you mention it every time I visit, it shows me that you're clearly not getting better. Whatever progress you think you make… my visits aren't helping you."
Moiraine stared at the man beside her with wide eyes. He had given up. Lan had given up on their mission and on her. He wouldn't try to get her out of that place. Although she had tried to bring him and Nynaeve together, she had never expected that her former Warder would turn his back on her. Apparently, he still hated her for how she had treated him after she returned from the Eye of the World.
"I'm not worth it," she whispered.
She was a mad woman in his eyes, not worthy to fight for any longer. A liability he no longer wanted to be reminded of. A reminder of his past he wanted to forget. She wasn't worthy of his time.
"Don't say that." Lan grabbed her hand, holding it between his. "I still care about you."
Care about her. But not enough to stay – not enough to ensure she would get help somewhere close to him. The Malkieri knew there was no one else there coming to visit her. Her sisters of the Aes Sedai didn't dare to visit a stilled woman. And her family… well, Adeleas was an old woman now and hadn't forgiven her for not visiting their father before he died. And her nephew had been little when she had visited them the last time. She wouldn't even recognize him should he stand before her. No. No one would come to visit her.
I'm not worth it.
The cold, which had suddenly fallen over the Aes Sedai, reached her heart, and her face turned blank. Carefully, she freed her hand from Lan's grasp, placing it in her lap again, and lowered her eyes. She couldn't look at her former Warder anymore. She didn't want to see him begging for understanding.
"You should leave now." Blood and ashes! Even her voice sounded cold! "I don't want to overstrain Nynaeve's generosity for letting you come here."
I'm not worth it.
"Moiraine-"
"Thank you for telling me about your plans. I wish you and your wife a safe journey and good luck with her new position. I'm sure she will be way happier in the Two Rivers than in the White Tower."
I'm not worth it.
This time, it was Lan who pulled her close against him, pressing a kiss against her temple, while the Cairhien woman didn't respond. Moiraine's fingers itched. She wanted to hug him, but it would be a terrible idea. A clean cut was for the best. Lan had made it clear that she wasn't worth him. She shouldn't force herself on him any longer than necessary.
"I will never forget you," her former Warder whispered against her skin. "I will keep in touch with Celestin – ask her about your well-being."
Moiraine wanted to cry. He would ask Celestin about her well-being instead of writing her? His words told her everything she needed to know. She doubted Lan would think about her once they reached the Two Rivers, let alone ask Celestin about her well-being.
I'm not worth it.
"Goodbye, Moiraine."
The Cairhien woman didn't stop the Malkieri when he stood and left the room. Why should she? Lan wasn't hers anymore. He belonged to Nynaeve, and she was an unwanted reminder of what once was. A crazy woman who had lost her mind and herself.
Suddenly, Moiraine shivered from feeling cold and wrapped her arms around herself. "I'm not worth it." Slowly, she started to rock her body back and forth like the movement would warm her up.
Once, she had been a powerful Aes Sedai. But without her powers, she was nothing. "I'm not worth it."
She understood Lan's reaction in a way. Unlike her, he still was a talented blademaster with his whole life before him. He had married a beautiful young woman who could give him a loving family – something he never could've had with Moiraine. "I'm not worth it."
Lan deserved a better life after dealing with Moiraine for twenty years. He deserved a powerful Aes Sedai who didn't send him away and treated him like an equal.
"I'm not worth it. I'm not worth it. I'm not-"
"My lady?"
Startled, Moiraine grabbed her dagger, then swirled toward the voice that had pulled her out of her spiraling mind.
Celestin shrieked when the blade pressed against her throat, holding up her hands in defense. "Forgive me, my lady. I didn't mean to disturb you. I can leave if you want."
Blinking, the Aes Sedai recognized the head of the sanitarium, then retreated her dagger. She still felt sick from what her crazy mind had come up. Lan would never place her in a sanitarium! – Or leave her! Light, she had practically forced him to let go of her to save his life!
"I was…" She thought about explaining her reaction but reconsidered. Celestin would never understand. Perhaps she would end up in the next room should those words cross her lips. Carefully, she hid the dagger in her dress while facing the other woman in the room. She hadn't stopped repeating the same words.
"I'm not worth it. I'm not worth it. I'm not worth it."
Moiraine wanted to vomit when she heard those words. She had to leave that room. She wanted to leave that building! "What is with her?"
"Melania?" Celestin's voice sounded strained, but she stepped beside Moiraine. "She has been with us for ten years now. The poor woman is the oldest daughter of a wealthy nobleman and was supposed to take over his business one day. But her parents were too hard on her. She was never good enough in their eyes, and they didn't hold back in telling her continuously until Melania believed it herself. Since then, she keeps repeating the same phrase over and over again."
My visits aren't helping you.
Again, Moiraine saw herself sitting on that bed. If Lan would have decided to give up on her, she could've easily ended up in a room beside Melania with no one caring about her or visiting. Fear took hold of her heart, and it became harder to breathe.
"I believe it is time for me to leave now."
"I'll accompany you outside."
It was a polite way to tell the Aes Sedai she had worn out her welcome, and Moiraine didn't scold the woman for it. She would feel better once she had left those walls behind her.
And at the end, if I'm satisfied with his progress… I'll leave the knife with you.
The woman of the Blue Ajah could only hope she had motivated Logain enough to train Rand because she didn't intend to pay him more visits. The boy needed to learn how to use his powers and needed to learn fast. If Ishamael continued to wake the other Forsaken…
A shiver ran over Moiraine's back. She had nothing to offer the Dragon but her brain and ability to plan. Light, their future didn't look bright!