February 8, 2016

"I don't know what to say," Olivia said, staring at the pile of paperwork perched precariously in her lap.

"You don't have to say anything," Garland answered, smiling. "There's still a few hoops you'll need to jump through. You'll have to requalify with your weapon, but we can schedule range time for you this week, if you're up for it."

"This week would be great," Olivia answered honestly. She hadn't fired a gun in months, but she wasn't worried about it; just like riding a bike, she thought. Some things were hard to forget. She could sign up for some practice time, just to be sure, but she didn't really think she'd need it.

"Your most recent NYPD physical is less than a year old, so we'll just use what we have on file. Go and take your drug test today, there's a form in there for that, and we can have you back in your office by next Monday."

"It feels too good to be true," Olivia murmured before she could stop herself. It did, though; it felt like a dream. She was back in the 1-6, back in Garland's office, a week away from getting her badge back, after months of thinking she'd never set foot in the city again. She'd called him last week from the extended stay hotel where she and Noah were living for the moment, and in a matter of days everything was on track to go right back to where it was before, as if the last five months hadn't happened. In the end it was only five months - less than five, actually - from the day she left the city to the day she returned, and the world was more or less as she'd left it. It was Olivia herself who'd changed.

"Really, you're doing me a favor," Garland said. "We've had a hell of a time trying to fill your chair. Manhattan SVU's run through three COs while you've been gone."

It wasn't like anybody was busting down the door to work in sex crimes; the department had a reputation for chewing people up and spitting them out, wasn't exactly a fast track to glory and promotion. Whoever had been filling in for her had likely only viewed their time in SVU as a pit stop on the way to where they really wanted to go. But that chair was Olivia's destination, the home she'd been longing for, the purpose that her life had been lacking for months. She'd tried, for a time, tried to figure out who she was without SVU, and she hadn't really found an answer. Maybe she should've tried harder; maybe she'd squandered the opportunity. Maybe she shouldn't be but she was profoundly grateful to find herself once more on familiar ground, playing the role she was born to play.

"Between you and me, I think your Sergeant may have been trying to keep the seat empty for you."

A smile tugged at the corner of her lips.

"That sounds like him," she said. There had been no time, when the Marshals whisked her away, no time to say goodbye to Fin, no time to tell him the truth and hope he'd understand, but Fin had ways of finding out all sorts of things he wasn't supposed to know, and she wouldn't be shocked to learn that he'd known all along her death was no more than a ruse.

"It speaks well of you, your team's respect," Garland said. "I'm sure they'll be glad to have you back."

He started shifting in his seat, shuffling papers around like he was getting ready to bring their meeting to a close, but Olivia wasn't quite done yet.

"There's one more thing we need to discuss," she said. She was going to pee in a cup this afternoon, he'd probably find out the truth by tomorrow whether she told him herself or not. Might as well get it all out in the open.

"I'm pregnant," she said, and tried not to flinch as Garland's eyebrows lifted in shock.

She knew how it looked. A single woman when she left, a single woman when she returned, Olivia had disappeared into the depths of the midwest and come back pregnant. Not even five months she'd been gone, and she'd managed to get knocked up in that time, and it was bound to raise some questions, but she hoped that Garland would be enough of a gentleman not to ask them.

"Then I suppose congratulations are in order," Garland said, composing himself quickly. "When are you due?"

"Late August," she answered. "I'd like to work as long as I can, and I can still be a resource to my team while I'm home on maternity leave."

"And your Sergeant has already gotten a taste of command, I'm sure he can manage things for you until you come back. You will be coming back, won't you?"

"Yes," she said firmly. "I…I belong here, Chief. SVU is all I've ever wanted, and I'm not going to walk away."

She knew that now. She could live without SVU, but she didn't want to. She loved her children, loved them deeply, loved them fiercely, but she loved the work, too. The work that helped protect not just her kids, but everyone's kids, the ones who had no one else to look out for them. The road ahead would be difficult, she knew, balancing work and children on her own, but she'd figured it out when she brought Noah home, and she'd figure it out now, too. She wouldn't give up SVU without a fight.

"Glad to hear it," Garland said. "I'm afraid I have to cut this meeting short -" she'd been expecting that, and wasn't offended - "but let me just say, welcome back from the dead, Lieutenant Benson."

"It's good to be back," she said honestly, rising from her chair. "I'd like to see my team before I leave, if that's all right."

Her team all thought she was dead, still; she'd been so busy, trying to find a place for her and Noah to say, furiously applying to daycares and apartments and calling nannies, hashing out the administrative details of her bank accounts, her return to work, she hadn't time to call her old friends, and hadn't really known what to say to them, anyway. Surprise, I'm not dead? Somehow she didn't think that would go over well. But she could go downstairs, and face them head on, and once her squad had seen her word would travel like wildfire and then everyone would know she was back.

Well, maybe not everyone. She still didn't know where Elliot was these days, what he was doing; Jackie told her Elliot left the Marshals service but there was no telling where he'd gone. Back to the city, probably, back with Kathy, but what was he doing for work? He might try to see if the NYPD would take him back, but with a jacket like his that wasn't a guarantee. He had his pension already and Eli to look after; maybe he hadn't gone back to work at all. She didn't know, and she wasn't ever gonna know. Her mind was made up; Elliot belonged with his family, and she wasn't gonna fuck that up for him, not again.

"Of course," Garland said. "I'm sure they'll be happy to see you, once the shock wears off."

I hope so, Olivia thought, and then she and Garland made their goodbyes, and she set off for SVU.

It was just after 10:00 on a Monday morning and Olivia wasn't sure what to expect when she walked back through the doors of her old squadroom. It could be empty, everyone out on a case, or it could be bustling with life. As she walked she tried to focus on her breathing, to calm the racing of her heart. It's just Fin, she told herself. She was just going to see Fin, one of her oldest friends. Amanda and Carisi might be there, too, and that would be nice, to see everyone all at once; she'd rather not explain the whole sorry tale a dozen times.

But she was nervous, still. Everything looked the same; the walls, the desks, the unis all right where she'd left them, but months had passed. Months of the squad figuring out how to work without her, realizing that they could. What if they didn't need her, after all; what if they'd been better off without her?

"Can I help you?" a young plainclothes detective asked, rising from her desk as Olivia stepped into the bullpen.

And that was strange, someone she didn't recognize so at ease in Olivia's home, talking to Olivia like she was the interloper.

"I'm looking for Sergeant Tutuola," Olivia told the girl. "Is he here?"

"Holy shit," Olivia heard Fin swear from behind her, and she spun on her heel, grinning, as her old friend came walking into view.

"Hey, Fin," she said a bit breathlessly, tears gathering in her eyes, a smile so wide it hurt spreading across her face as Fin walked right up to her and wrapped his arms around her. For a long moment they simply stood there, holding on to one another; had she ever hugged him before? She couldn't remember, but she was so grateful to see him now it seemed the most natural thing in the world, and she clung to him fiercely.

"You look pretty good for a dead lady," Fin told her gruffly as they parted. He was trying not to let it show, how moved he was by her presence here, how surprised he was to see her, but his eyes shone with the same joy Olivia felt blossoming in her own heart.

"Yeah, well," she said with a shrug. What was she supposed to say? She'd never come back from the dead before.

"You wanna talk about it?" Fin asked.

"You knew where I was the whole time, didn't you?" she accused him lightly, rubbing gently at her eyes to keep the tears at bay.

"Not the whole time," he answered, grinning. "But yeah, I knew you weren't really dead. Take a lot more than that to bring you down, Liv."

It nearly had, though. The cartel had nearly killed her, and running from them had torn her whole life apart, and it was only sheer fucking luck that she was standing in front of him now, back where she belonged. She'd call that fate; Elliot might've called it God.

"Yeah, you're not getting rid of me that easy," she told him. "I was just in with Garland. He thinks he'll have me back in my office in a week."

"Good," Fin said gruffly. "This place didn't feel right without you."

Christ, she hoped that was true, hoped that her team had missed her as much as she'd missed them, but maybe it wasn't; they'd all survived, without her. Brought on at least one new detective, as far as she could see. The wheels kept turning, with or without her. But there was something in Fin's eyes that told her maybe she was wrong; maybe they'd just been doing what she was doing, going through the motions.

"Carisi and Rollins are out on a case," he said. "You gonna call 'em?"

"Yeah," she said. "Guess I'll have to. Don't wanna give Carisi a heart attack when I show up here next week."

"You know, there's someone else you should probably call," Fin added, shooting her a pointed look. "Stabler came to see me a few weeks ago. Wanted to know everything there was to know about the cartel. Think he was planning to take 'em all out himself."

Shit. So much for letting Elliot go; he'd come here looking for answers. Had he found them? Would he come back?

Why can't he just let me go? She wondered.

If she were being honest, though, she'd have to admit she knew why. She knew exactly why he couldn't let her go, and that meant it was up to her, to be strong enough to do what he could not.

"Well, he can stand down," she said.

"You gonna tell him that?"

"No," she answered. "And Fin, I…please don't tell him I'm back, ok?"

"You don't want Stabler to know you're alive?"

"No," she forced herself to say. "I don't."

"All right." Fin crossed his arms over his chest, watching her through narrowed eyes. "It's your call, Liv. You want me to stay out of it, I'll stay out of it. But he might find out on his own. Word is he's back on the job, got a spot in OCCB."

"He can stay there," Olivia said firmly. "I just…I need a little time, Fin."

If Elliot was back on the job there was no way she'd be able to keep her secret for long; word traveled fast, and a lieutenant coming back from the dead would keep the gossip mill churning for weeks. It might be harder than she thought, keeping him at arm's length. But she had to try; for the sake of her own heart, for the sake of his family, she could not risk falling once more into the flames of her need for him. Nothing good could come from that, she thought; there was nothing in their future but heartbreak. She'd need to decide how to handle him, if the day came when he reached out to her again, but she wasn't ready, didn't feel steady enough, to do that now. She'd handle him later. If she had to.

"Understood. Take all the time you need."

"Thanks, Fin."

They talked a while longer, until the work became too pressing and Fin had to make his excuses, and Olivia drifted out of the station, one of her hands dropping to rest against the gentle curve of her stomach, thinking about her baby, and the man who had given that baby to her, thinking about the long road she'd traveled to bring her to this point and all the road that lay ahead. She didn't know what was going to happen next, but she finally knew where she was going, and there was relief in the knowing.

"Undercover," Elliot repeated.

"You're the best candidate we've got for it," Ayanna told him. "We need a middle aged white guy who can play ex-military. You got the tats and the bad attitude to sell it."

"Thanks for that," he told her drily. "Look, now's not a great time for me to go under, my kid -"

"I don't wanna take you away from your kid," she cut him off smoothly. "But you already only see him what, every other week? We can schedule time for you to spend with Eli, and if everything goes well you won't be under more than a month or two."

It was a pretty big gamble; Elliot didn't want to bet on everything going well. It almost never did. The whole reason he'd decided to stay in the city, to get back on the force, was so that he'd be close to Eli, and now Bell wanted to take him away.

She had a point, though. Right now he and Kathy were trading off weeks with Eli, and after moving him twice in five months the constant back and forth betweens Queens and Long Island City made it hard for him to settle in. It might be better for him to have more time in Queens with Kathy, time to put down roots, and Elliot could see his son while he was under. He'd have to be careful about it, but it could be done.

And besides, a little time spent in someone else's skin might do him some good. Being Elliot Stabler didn't feel too great, just now.

"And it comes with a pay bump?" he asked.

"It does."

"All right," he said. "Let's do it."

After all, what did he have to lose?