Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel. I own Addison Carter.

RATED M

ENJOY!

"How in the world do I find myself in these situations, huh?" I rambled, helping him walk.

"Listen…"

"No seriously, I landed there totally randomly!" I helped him sit against the wall and looked at his wound. "How did you get yourself such a bad wound Rasputin?"

"It was a blur," Piotr replied as I healed him. "I couldn't change fast enough."

"It's very strange I found you before I went back home," I muttered to myself.

"I'm not complaining." I pursed my lips. "I didn't come back to Russia for nothing."

"Didn't feel nostalgic?" He shook his head.

"My relatives are getting killed one by one." I looked at him in shock and horror.

"That's...shit Piotr, that's…"

"All of them from the Rasputin line." I blinked.

"Fuck me." I conjured the wand. "Before landing here, I was at a mystic auction to get this." I showed him the object. "It belonged to Rasputin." Piotr frowned and looked at it. "Maybe I didn't just randomly land here after all." I made it vanish. "I think we found the reason why they're getting killed, now we've got to figure out who's responsible. Your sister's safe?" He nodded.

"You're helping me then?"

"If I don't you'll really bleed to death in the garbage." He made a face. "You know it's true. I just need to make a call, do you have somewhere to go?"

We ended up in his hotel room. It was small. Still, he laid down on the bed with a sigh while I dialed Alistair's number.

"Hi, my little mission is over but long story short, I'm in Moscow and my friend is having his relatives killed so can I help him out?"

"Anything interesting about your friend?"

"Colossus, from the X-Men. He's a descendant from Grigory Rasputin." He gasped.

"Wait, seriously?"

"Yup. We don't happen to have anything regarding the guy in our files?"

"I can check it out if you want. Anyway, I'll contact the ISO to tell them you're both in the country."

"Thanks, I'll contact people I know to see if they can help me too." I hung up and dialed Nat's number. She picked up grudgingly with a sleepy voice. "Shit, sorry I'm in Russia I forgot about the time difference."

"I guess it's important then," she said, more awake.

"Yes. We've got a Rasputin issue."

"I've never heard that one before."

"Yet it's very real. Is there anyone you know still in Russia, preferably Moscow, who could help us or get information?"

"You're lucky Carter, do you know that?"

"I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse."

"I'm going to make a call. Don't move, they'll come to you."

"Thanks Natasha."

I sat down on the chair with a sigh and ran a hand on my face.

"Your ancestor had a magic wand, I don't know what's going on but I'm sure he has something to do with...whatever is going on."

"He died in 1916." I raised a brow.

"Honestly, if he had some supernatural powers like history described, I wouldn't be surprised." It really wouldn't be surprising.

I received a call a few hours later that woke the both of us up. I picked up, immediately alerted by Alistair's serious voice. My face went through many emotions as he spoke, ultimately becoming livid.

"I see. Thanks...for calling back so quickly. I've got the green light then? Okay, thanks. Bye." I hung up and dropped my phone on the desk before leaning on my knees. "So, I've got good and bad news."

"Good first."

"It is most probably from Grigory himself." Piotr frowned. "Maybe he found a pawn here."

"The bad?" I sighed and looked at him.

"Apparently, from our files, Grigory was buddy buddy with Sinister." Piotr gasped quietly. "Yeah. Whatever it is, I'm pretty sure Sinister's involved and that's...worst than expected."

"Maybe you should…"

"Oh I'm not going anywhere. If that asshole is still alive like I felt he was, I'm going to end him for good." I looked at my shaking hands and clenched my fists. "I...I can do it. You need my help anyway." Piotr looked unsure but didn't comment.

The next evening when we were back in Piotr's room, there was a blond girl on the desk. I immediately spotted the Widow Bite on her wrist, to which I frowned.

"Oh, Natasha hid a lot of things…" I muttered.

"That's her thing," the blond girl replied with a heavy Russian accent. "So you're her Avenger teammate and you're the...Rasputin?" Piotr and I looked at each other and nodded. "It's way better than hearing about Captain America all day long." I frowned.

"I'm sure?" She cleared her throat.

"My name is Yelena Belova, I'm Natasha's sister." I blinked at her.

"As you're both Widows or…"

"No, sisters. Adopted, with parents too. It's complicated."

"Damn, she was in Russia then when she was on the run and I was sleeping for a month. I mean, she went from red to blond but…" Yelena pursed her lips.

"Yeah, we had to deal with a few things here. So, a series of murders?"

"...yes."

"How many of you are left?"

"My sister and I...I don't know where my brother is, and a couple of cousins in Siberia."

"Well we should go to Siberia then."

"Where in Siberia?" I asked them.

Piotr said something in Russian and Yelena replied in Russian as well. I didn't understand shit. I tried to mess with my translation implant behind my ear, but they were done before I could understand Russian.

"We have a very mad geneticist to deal with too?" she asked me.

"Yeah, he has powers and is too smart for our good." She nodded.

"Sounds like a cool way to die." I looked at her weirdly. "Natasha really didn't tell you anything."

"Not a word."

January 21st, 2019, Siberia

We were in a small village in Siberia. Snow covered everything. Unfortunately, we were too late as the warm body of a middle-aged woman was lying in a barn. Blood was splattered everywhere.

"It's the work of a butcher," Yelena stated blandly.

"Or someone who doesn't care except for whatever the reason is," I said, leaving the barn.

I closed my eyes and expanded my reading field. I gasped and ran away, Piotr screaming at me behind. After a few minutes, I came to a stop, sliding in the snow. Cold air created mist in front of my mouth as I panted, looking around myself.

"Addie, what's…" I raised a finger at Colossus.

"It means 'shut up'," Yelena felt the need to say. I spread my magic in the air.

It was a detection spell. As I suspected, it gathered in thin air on my right. I went to it and covered the area in Dark Matter. It was very small, but the Dark Matter was thicker in front of my mouth. It required more Dark Matter there, indicating someone had somehow did something to it.

"I don't know who it is, but they have dimensional power," I told Piotr and Yelena. "Or spatial, or something that allowed them to teleport."

"Can you follow them?" Yelena asked me with a frown. I licked my lips and looked at the accumulation of Dark Matter.

"I'll try." I covered my hands in Dark Matter and put two fingers in the break.

I made it bigger, enough for me to see where it led before closing it for good. I made a portal.

"I'm more confident sending you there with a portal," I explained, walking through it.

I frowned at what looked to be a bunker.

"That's an old HYDRA base," Yelena informed us.

"How do you know?" Piotr asked her.

"After we destroyed the Red Room, Aleksei wanted to be sure there was no other old 'friends' lurking around. We came here because it was where the Winter Soldier Program was executed." I sighed deeply and pinched the bridge of my nose.

"Of fucking course."

It wouldn't surprise me if Sinister decided an abandoned HYDRA base the Avengers already knew about would be a good place for a secret lab. I went in front of Piotr and Yelena and used a few spells on them. Yelena looked at the dark red symbols vanishing on her.

"Protection spells, against mind control, localization, a lot of shits."

"You weren't overdoing it then when you told me of that Sinister," she said firmly. I shook my head. "I don't want to be mind controlled again anyway."

"Me neither," I mumbled.

Even to this day, I couldn't say if it was mind-control because I did everything on my own free will. Tony kept telling me that if Sinister had to change things in my mind to make me work for him, even willingly, then it was mind-control.

I just wasn't sure of that.

We entered the place quietly, with me trying to see if there was anyone around. Piotr turned into his metal form once in the elevator and Yelena's posture changed to a defensive one, a hand on the gun on her hip.

We reached a room with several cryogenic chambers. They were empty. The roof had crumbled too, making it impossible to leave from above. Tony did tell me he blew up the place to keep James from leaving.

I walked closer to the hole in the center. They must have left from there and fought...down there.

"What happened there?" Colossus wondered, his finger on the bullet hole on the glass. Blood was still smudged in the chamber.

"Zemo happened. He put an end to the Winter Soldier Program and the Avengers."

"Hey, come here!" We went to where Yelena was.

There were stairs going down. We took them and I frowned as I started to read something. Once we were two floors below, I turned around to say something when a rift appeared in thin air behind Colossus.

"Shit!" I yelled, trying to get his hand but Piotr was gone.

"That can't be good," Yelena commented cynically.

"Stay on your guard."

If my spells were still active, then Piotr was okay. Still, I didn't want him out of my sight for too long. I gulped when we entered the room.

The chair...that stupid electric chair was at the center of it. I approached it slowly and grazed my fingers on the armrest. I could picture James in that bloody chair having his identity wiped out for the hundredth time.

"Feeling nostalgic X-17?" I clenched my jaw and straightened up at the voice.

"Essex," I replied, turning around. Yelena walked closer to me when Sinister came out of the shadow. I felt her gulping next to me.

"How hostile. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have been able to stop Thanos. If anything, you should thank me for the super-soldier serum running through your veins." I narrowed my eyes.

"So that's what I got?"

"A derivative of it. Instead of a human's peak, it was a serum to develop your powers to their peak. The stabilizing agent though was from the Super-Soldier Serum, so in a way...it is a Super-Mutant serum that I created." I smirked.

"I should thank you then?"

"It would be appreciated." He turned around and walked through a door.

"He's mad," Yelena whispered to me.

"Tell me about it," I retorted, following Sinister.

I froze and paled at the tables.

"What the…"

"You have to use what you have at your disposal," he simply explained.

The chambers were empty. I thought the bodies had been removed by the UN or something but no. Sinister was...using them for his experimentation. One of the bodies, a man, had his chest wide open.

I wanted to puke. The graphics...and the smell…

"What's going on with Rasputin?"

"He's trying to come back to the land of the living through his descendants and there are too many of them. Well, there were. It brought you back to me though." He set his eyes on Yelena. "And...an insect. Take care of her." I blinked and barely dodged, like Yelena, the kick.

It broke a part of the wall.

"Another Super-Soldier?"

"From the nazis though, Whilhem Lohmer," Sinister explained as the man dragged Yelena away from the room.

"You'll never stop, will you?"

"No, I won't." In the blink of an eye, he was in front of me and had his hand on my head.

Unfortunately for him, what he did for the next five minutes was just an illusion. I conjured my sword and sneaked up behind him, stabbing him in the chest. The illusion disappeared and Sinister looked down, coughing blood.

"I'll stop you then," I told him, removing my sword.

Before he could heal, I inserted Dark Matter in the wound to keep it opened. I was tempted to butcher him like he did to these corpses. I was about to stab him again when he sent me back violently to the room I was coming from. I landed in the chair, the tools next to it falling in a metallic clang. I groaned at the shock but when I saw the chair activating itself, I turned it into Dark Matter and shaped it in spikes to send to Sinister. He dodged them.

"Stop fighting it." I blinked at the voice in my head and shook it. "Did you really think you were free after Neverland? You'll never be." I grabbed my head.

"No. No. You...you didn't make a mental link with me, no."

"I did though. I'm sure your friends will be delighted to fight you."

Blood ran down the corners of my mouth when he stabbed me in the stomach and removed the blade.

"I totally had him," Yelena said, panting. Natasha nodded, her arms around her as she was checking for any injury.

"Sure, I believe you." Bucky and Steve were dealing with the Super-Soldier while Beast and Gambit were helping Colossus out.

It was lucky MI:13 called them telling them Sinister reappeared. Ultimately, Steve managed to knock the soldier out.

"Buck wait!"

"If she's not here she's inside Steve!" Bucky replied angrily, walking to the HYDRA facility.

He didn't know who Essex was, but he was bad news and alone with Addison and...she may have an Infinity Stone, she was still human. He had this feeling in his gut telling him to take her far away from him.

The ground in front of him turned black then crumbled. Addison appeared from it and landed in front of him, the Dark Matter floating around her.

"Addison, are you okay?" Steve asked her, getting closer but Bucky stretched out his arm, staring suspiciously at her.

"It's not her," he told him.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know Steve, it's just...it's not her." He heard Natasha curse behind him as 'Addison' wasn't listening to them, just looking at her hands.

"Fascinating," she stated with a grin. "Just...so much power wanting to be unleashed…"

"Who are you?" She looked at him and blinked.

"The Winter Soldier coming back home I see." Bucky clenched his jaw.

Whoever it was knew too much.

"What do you want?"

"Captain America," she purred, batting her lashes at him before looking at Natasha. "Long time no see Black Widow."

"Mister Sinister I presume," Natasha said behind them. 'Addison' just laughed.

"You should have had Xavier look at her head instead of letting her recover on her own, I never stopped being in there," she said, knocking her finger on her skull.

"Let her go," Steve demanded as Bucky aimed his rifle at her.

It hurt to point a weapon at her but...she wasn't in there.

"Why would I? I still haven't studied her bone marrow, or spinal fluid, or brain tissue...you know, what we usually study with mutants."

"You really think we're going to let you do that?" Beast asked as he got closer to them.

"Imagine the kind of Sentinels that would exist with her adaptability." The Dark Matter turned into spikes. "Now…"

They dodged, but barely. Steve and Beast distracted her while Bucky slipped behind her and put his weapon on her head. She stopped and turned around, the weapon on her forehead.

"James," she whispered, making him freeze.

Up until now, the tone, the way of speaking was not Addison's. But the way she said his name right now...it was just like her. It disturbed him a little.

"You're weak." It brought him back to reality and he grabbed her wrist before she could stab him.

He punched her with his vibranium arm. She stayed on her feet for a few seconds but then was knocked back, unconscious. He went to her side and used his foot to move her. She groaned and blinked weakly at him.

"The hell?" she muttered.

"Thank God," he whispered, kneeling next to her. "You…"

"Watch out!" He didn't know who yelled but he was sent away and hit the quinjet.

It hurt, he was stunned, but still went to Addison who had gone through a rock. Her head was bleeding.

"Steve!" he yelled in horror. He lifted her upper body, his hand beneath her head. "Come on Addie don't do this to me, not again," he whispered frantically.

Sinister must have seen enough because he decided to leave. They regrouped around them.

"We're going to London, Nat call MI:13 to tell them to have medics ready." She nodded and Gambit went to take Addison.

Steve had to force Bucky to let her go so that he could help him walk.

The flight was silent.

January 25th, 2019, London

I had woken up a few minutes ago but didn't open my eyes. I didn't want to see James and Pete fighting like children when I had to listen to them already.

"If you want to fight, do it outside," Steve said. So, he was there too. "It's a hospital." The door was shut brutally, and James' and Pete's voice were getting further and further away. Steve walked up to my bed and pulled on a lock of my hair. "Come on, I know you're awake."

"The opposite would be shocking with these two," I replied, opening my eyes. I looked around. "The hospital then?"

"The Royal London Hospital yeah."

"I've been there before," I muttered, sitting up. Steve was about to help me, but I managed on my own. "The stab wound is almost healed already, like the concussion."

"You remember that?"

"I remember James kicking me in the ribs then someone yelled, he went flying and I did too." I looked away under his firm gaze. "Let me guess, you want an explanation?"

"It would be nice if someone can manipulate you to fight against us." He sat down on a chair. "You among anyone know that…"

"I know Steve, I just...I thought it was over." I gulped when he took my hand. His thumb ran over the 'M'. "It stands for mutants," I whispered so quietly I thought I didn't say it.

Steve heard it though.

"I thought so," he confessed quietly. "I just wished I was wrong."

"You wouldn't have been able to prevent it Steve...we could have, as a team, before." He opened his mouth, but I cut him off. "I'll tell you Steve. Just...not here, not...not with James around."

"Why are you so stubborn about him not knowing?"

"You'll get it later, just...I'm not sure if I'll keep a...straight face." I took a deep breath. "Why were you in Russia?"

"MI:13 called us when they realized Essex was involved. It's…" He clenched his jaw. "We should have collected the bodies."

"Yeah, you should have," I agreed immediately. "How long until I'm released?"

"Not long, now you're awake the doctor can give you a full check-up. She's okay, we checked." I nodded. "I'm going to call her." He left the room and not even a minute later, Wanda was there.

"You don't look happy."

"I'm your emergency contact, remember? What's worst is that Steve was the one to call me." She sighed; her arms crossed. "I thought it was something easy."

"It was, then I landed in Russia and...helped Colossus which led us to Siberia and Sinister." She had her reprimanding look on her face, usually coming to the surface only for her twin.

I tried to hide under the bed sheets, but she blocked them with her powers.

"You're cheating." She shrugged. "How are Yelena and Piotr by the way?"

"They're fine. Natasha stayed in Russia with Yelena to make sure she made it home okay. Colossus...his brother must have had remorse because he didn't kill him and just left."

"Left? Where?" She shrugged again.

"All I was told by Gambit was that Rasputin wouldn't come back to the land of the living and Sinister was gone." I sighed.

"We're never going to be rid of him." She clenched her jaw. "What?"

"Why didn't you call back-up when you realized you were after him?"

"I didn't…" Her gaze got firmer. "I was angry and thought if I dealt with him on my own it would...make amends." Her eyes became softer. "It just kicked me in the face in the end. I should be used to it by now."

"I thought you were…" I looked away. "Addie, why didn't you say something?"

"I've been keeping myself busy enough not to think about it and...there were, are, more important things to take care of."

"It doesn't mean you can't take time for yourself."

"It won't bring anyone back or erase what I've done, will it?" I retorted sarcastically. "As long as I have something to do, I'll be fine. There's no need to worry Wanda."

"Until you accidentally create your own reality where things are how you wish them to be," she said firmly. "Going blindly against Sinister or Weapon Plus won't...it won't solve everything."

"Yeah well, I'll try anyway."

I went back home a few hours later, Steve managing with Wanda to make me leave the hospital without seeing anyone. We went back to my flat where I fell in my couch.

"Make yourself at home, I have Earl Grey in the cupboard above the oven." Wanda's phone rang and she picked up, going upstairs to answer.

Steve put the teapot on the coffee table, two cups on it as well.

"You make tea like Grandma," I told him suddenly. He nodded.

"She taught me and Howard. Our...ways to make tea when we were in London during the war was horrendous apparently."

"She always was fussy regarding tea making," I whispered softly. We sipped our tea quietly, the warmth of it making me feel safe and at home.

"Hey, I'm going back to the Sanctum," Wanda told us as she came back, her phone in her hand. "Should I get Bucky and Sam?"

"Sam's there?"

"We kept him updated and he came to see you," Steve explained. "We were all worried. Tony would have come but…"

"Pepper's pregnant and just has a couple of months to go." He nodded.

"I told him we had this." I nodded. "And yes, Wanda. At least we'll be able to talk without Bucky…" Steve trailed off. She smirked and nodded.

"Understood." She left, giving me a pointed glance when she was about to close the door behind herself.

"It's nice to see you take care of each other."

"Yeah well, Wanda and Pietro became my best friends after Neverland. Well, Pietro was there in Mutant Town." I took a deep breath. "When I went to Darkmoor, we were...attacked by a group of mutants called the Marauders, who were working for Sinister, the man you all met in Siberia. Sinister...is a geneticist from the 19th century who, from his own words, predicted mutant kind expansion and is now obsessed with the idea of the 'perfect' mutant. Actually...some American raided his lab during WWII when he was working with the nazis and used his research to create the Weapon Plus Program."

Steve clenched his jaw.

"Eventually, he wanted to get something from it. I started to track down the workshops in NYC and got too close, so after my twenty-fifth birthday, he sent one of his men after me."

"I remember that, Bucky called me not long after." I nodded.

"He told me it was the only thing he could do to keep me safe. The issue was that he brought back some of my blood to Sinister." Steve frowned.

"It was not good for you I guess."

"My genes started to evolve once I was touched by the Reality Stone in London." He gulped, clasping his hands together between his knees. "So, it brought him back to Darkmoor, where the Tesseract was kept for a while. We clashed there, and that's how I came in contact with MI:13. Pete was actually the one leading the team. It's also in Darkmoor I met Brian who used to work at the lab. The issue was they got more of my blood."

"Pietro and Vision never mentioned that."

"I asked them not to, and they tried to recruit me right under their noses. Pietro…" I chuckled. "He didn't like that. Then we...had our fights because of the Accords and we were sent to the Raft. Do you remember how I was away from the others for interrogation?" He nodded. "I lied; it had nothing to do with you. Sinister had sent one of his goons who could control people to get me."

"Addison…" he gritted through his teeth in a scolding tone. "If I had been just a minute too late…"

"I know, but with the situation back then...I just couldn't tell you, any of you. Then we had our little...discussion and…"

"I remember that." I shot him a pointed look and he smiled a little.

"I went back to New York. Brian put me in contact with his twin sister so while you guys were going to crappy hotels, I had a makeover in the Upper West Side."

"Don't let Sam hear that, he'll never let you live it down." I smirked.

"I decided to finish my job and found...the guy I was with when I was with Aksel worked for Sinister, so I tracked him down. Gambit, he was there?"

"Wait, you were both with Ivanov?" I nodded.

"He's also the reason I can't get in New Orleans anymore." I waved my hand at his curious face. "Not now. Anyway, it led me to Mutant Town. Basically, the Accords created riots, and the American government had no interest in being pacifist, so mutants started to gather in a part of Alphabet City, later called Mutant Town or District X. Eventually, enhanced people, not just mutants, were there. Pietro was also there because, in his own words, it was the place he felt the most helpful. He...introduced me to a community of mutants called the Morlocks, who were living in Manhattan sewers because they just got sick of the way they were treated on the surface." Steve looked down. "One night, there was an explosion. I had stolen your shield in the meantime by the way, covered it and I quickly became 'Dark Omen'. There was an explosion and Pietro and I found Nat against Gambit. She...had bad news." I gulped, tracing the 'M' on my hand. "She told us of a place called 'Neverland'."

"You mentioned it before." I nodded. "What happened there?"

"It was a mutant concentration camp Steve." His face paled and took in a sharp breath. "It's...exactly as it sounds. Nat...she told Pietro and I about it. I told her to go to the Institute and tell Logan and everyone, because Weapon X was responsible, using Mutant Town inhabitant's pain and wish to make a better world to turn them into guinea pigs. One night...I found Nat and Logan in my flat. There was an attack though."

"The Morlocks?" I nodded painfully.

"Attack is a big word. It was a slaughter, a massacre. Sinister...he had sent his Marauders to slaughter them all. I can't tell you how it felt to hear the terrified thoughts of someone just to have someone else's be gone forever. Nat and I went there but we split up. That's when I found Remy, he was wounded because he tried to help a little girl. He didn't...he didn't think they would do that and turned against them. I ended up fighting one and killed him because, well, to the Marauders, a good mutant was a dead mutant."

I looked up, tears in my eyes.

"Betsy...Brian's twin, she got possessed by the same person that was in the Raft. She stabbed me. Poisoned me. I was taken to Neverland. The...letter 'M' was to recognize the mutants who would be helpful to the Program."

"Agents." I nodded painfully.

"They turned me into X-17 from the Weapon X program."

"No name, just a number," he whispered.

"The reason why I don't want to tell James is because Nat put everything from SHIELD on the internet. They had the Winter Soldier Program. I knew it." I looked at Steve and sniffed. "I...managed to contact Professor Xavier. If...if words could trigger the Winter Soldier, then a powerful telepath could put words in my mind so that I could recognize...people I could trust."

"Did they…"

"Electricity damages a telepath's mind shield. It's...I fought it for a month. Well, I fought it until my shield was weak enough for Sinister to mess up with my mind and make Weapon X believe they had me under their control. Sinister...he twisted things here and there in my mind to completely change my views on my morals. He...changed the protagonists in them. He made me trust him and his beliefs, his work." I stood up and went in front of my window, my arms crossed.

People were running in my street, trying to find a shelter from the rain. They were...so blissfully unaware.

"Thinking I was doing the right thing, I let him conduct his research on me and my powers while thinking the people I was helping escape from the camp were going to safety when in reality, I was making them go from one hell to another. That was without counting on Weapon X and Sinister wanting to see how far my...adaptability could go."

"Torture," he stated.

"I'm...very hard to kill." I took a deep breath, almost feeling the knife Thanos put in my chest last year. "After three months there...we were attacked. Another mutant I knew had infiltrated the camp, so I gave her coordinate, and she sent information there. It was more than what Tony needed to present to the UN panel and get the authorization to attack and make a new team. A team that fought with everyone's interests at heart, a team everyone could identify themselves to."

"Tony told me the Unity Division Squad was created because we had made a mistake not to take mutants' issues at heart and let you handle it on your own."

"He said that?" I asked with a small voice, turning around to look at him. He nodded.

"I get it now."

"Do you?" He frowned. "I fought Natasha. I almost killed Tony, and Rhodey, Pietro, Vis, Wade, Hank, Rogue because I got angry and couldn't control my powers. I ran away from them and landed right where Sinister wanted me, where he told me everything and showed me a video of me having my brain electrocuted by the guy who tortured Wade. The thing is...I really trusted him, and I felt so stupid, it's…" I took a deep breath.

"He...he made you do…"

"Tony said so as well, if he changed things in my mind then it was mind-control. I just find that hard to believe. I mean...believing humans were evil was not complicated at all. Weapon X...it wasn't mutants who created it." Steve stood up as I hugged myself. "It's not...it's not like James who would turn into a killing machine when he'd hear words, it was...me."

"Do you really think that? That you would send mutants to their own death?" I smirked bitterly.

"Why not, I was easily convinced when I was a teenager. Maybe I just never stopped to be that extremist deep down, you know?"

"You're being ridiculous Addie."

"Am I!?" I yelled at him. My wide eyes were staring straight into his concerned ones. "No matter what I do, with the Avengers, when I think I'm fighting the good fight, when I'm on my own, I always end up with blood on my hands Steve!" I licked my dry lips, a tear rolling down my cheek. "There's a reason why I needed to leave the States. I couldn't live in a country that would kill me at any chance it had, that shield you have is just hypocrisy to me now. It's full of shit. When I came here, I thought...I thought I'd really start fresh, but Sinister entered the picture and I thought that if I dealt with him then I would make amends for what I did with him but in the end, I fought you...I can't...I can't have him in my head, he's dangerous on his own, if…" I bit back a sob. Steve moved closer to me and grabbed my arms gently but firmly.

"The one who fought us wasn't you. You and I both know that. I get that you feel guilty for what you did in the past, but you don't have to create guilt that has no reason to exist."

"Then I should just accept that a part of me still thinks that openly fighting humans is the right thing to do?" I whispered. "I don't...I don't feel like I have any right to fight for that cause anymore Steve, I just...I throw myself into work to keep myself from thinking about it…"

"Doing that would just make Ultron right." I blinked at him. "When we were in South Africa, he told me I couldn't live without a war. He...wasn't wrong."

"When you think about it, Ultron said a lot of things, then Zemo saw those things and used them." Steve nodded.

"What I mean is, if you keep focusing on work to avoid thinking about the past and dealing with it...someday it will come back to haunt you." He frowned. "That's why you don't want Bucky to know."

"Mainly because I don't want him to know I had my turn in that bloody electric chair, that I had no memories and that…"

"Yeah, but you're scared that because he lived something awfully similar, he'll see through your lies and force you to deal with it like he's doing." I clenched my jaw.

"That's not…"

"He told me...how it was before, for you two." I blinked. "You're scared because it's still there, isn't it? The bond you had back then, it's not broken."

"I can't drag him down in my problems Steve," I whispered weakly. "I...I didn't remember him in Wakanda but still couldn't tell him because I knew...I wanted to protect him from this. He doesn't...he can be mad at me for not telling him, but I don't owe him anything and if it means he can move on from HYDRA, and the Winter Soldier for good then...then I'll handle it on my own. He helped me a lot after Sokovia and Ultron, but then he left you know, so I can deal with this on my own." I gulped, swallowing back my tears. "I...I can, I will. The guilt, the doubt, the self-disgust...I can...I'll never stop being that murderer, but I...I'll deal with it on my own. I...I…I wil…" Steve embraced me tightly.

I broke down in sobs in his arms, my hands clenching his jacket in his back.

"I used him to redeem myself Steve, and he knows it and let me do it. I can't do it again, it's not fair to him and I'll never forgive myself," I sobbed. "If I tell him he…he…"

"He won't leave you alone, that's for sure, even if it costs him his freedom," Steve whispered back to me. I nodded against his shoulder.

"I never stopped loving him but I...I can't, I can't be the one to drag him back into that part of his life. He's better off without me."

"Don't say that," he mumbled under his breath, a hand in my hair.

"It's true Steve." I looked up at him. "He told me he wanted to go back to Bedford last time I came to the Compound, and I want nothing more than to go back too and just fall back in the routine we had back then because it was the most stable I had been in years but...but I can't...I probably never will be able to because I'm too...I'm too messed up, I...I can't, I just…"

"Hey, calm down. It's gonna be okay." I bit the inside of my cheek.

"I can't get into fights each time we see each other Steve, I really can't…"

"I'll tell him to back off until you're ready to tell him." I tilted my head on the side.

"Really?" He nodded.

"Yes. He'll be mad at me, and that you told me but…" He shook his head. "You're in no state to tell him right now." I sobbed again, my forehead against his shoulder. "But don't forget that underneath it all, you're still Addison and he'll always sees you as that first and foremost."

"I don't know how he sees me but I'm not…"

"We'll always be our harshest judges. I can't tell you how Bucky sees you because he told me that in confidence but...if he knew what you were thinking he'd be angry beyond words."

"I'm sure," I agreed with a small smile.

We kept hugging each other in the middle of my living-room. I had kept this inside for a couple of years now, telling Steve felt good.

I just couldn't tell James. I knew he wouldn't accept me telling him it was for his own good, so I'd just...trust Steve.

Thank you all for reading!

Bye!