A/N: This story is set during Chuck vs the Beefcake, immediately after Chuck sees Sarah kiss Cole on the security camera in the Orange Orange. AU from there. Rated M for mature scenes in future chapters. This is my first fanfic ever, so it will be absolutely terrible :p

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Chuck trudged up the stairs to the Orange Orange from Castle. It was finally happening. Cole Barker was leaving. Inside, Chuck felt a wet wave of relief. The man had caused Chuck very much discomfort over the last few hours, that was for sure. His constant comments towards Sarah were getting on Chuck's nerves. Chuck had just told them he'd give them a minute to say goodbye.

With a frown, but a subtle happy smile, he walked to the counter in the Orange Orange, intending to head back to the BuyMore. He just had to be sure, though. Slightly nervous as he was, he leaned towards the monitor on the counter, typing in the access code with relative ease. He quickly sifted through the different security cameras, the device making a soft buzzing sound in the process, finally reaching the one down next to the stairwell in Castle.

He couldn't believe what he was seeing. It was almost as if his whole world had dropped out beneath his feet, again. Chuck's eyes began to fog over. His stomach was feeling queasy. He felt as if he might lose balance and fall. Sarah was giving Cole one very enthusiastic kiss that lasted several seconds. The monitor, the counter, the store, everything suddenly faded from Chuck's vision, and was replaced by a vision of his blonde angel, her blonde hair cascading down her shoulders and dazzling him with her beauty.

Then, an image of Cole Barker popped up next to her, his arm wrapped around Sarah's waist.

Anger suddenly flooding through him, blinding him, then slowly giving way to a sickening pain in his heart that made him want to tear it out and eat it, Chuck briskly walked out of the Orange Orange, hands in pockets and head down.

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She was a spy - she was trained to seduce, apprehend and kill anyone she was ordered to, in over two hundred ways. Her mind was normally like a steel cabin; pressurized, compartmentalized. And she was always confident. But Sarah Walker's entire built-in facade collapsed when around her favourite tall, lanky Nerd. Her spy mask would disintegrate whenever he spoke to her, or looked at her, or was simply in the same room. Then she would quickly put it up again, for both of their sakes.

She hated to do this. Every single time she shot him down, she could read pain on his face, being rejected once again. But she couldn't tell him that she wanted him more than anything - that she wanted to be held by him and be loved, even though everything she had ever been taught told her to go against it. She had never experienced real love, and that is how she honestly thought she felt when around Chuck and his family. They accepted her just as she was - Chuck accepted her just as she was. It made her feel all warm and tingly inside.

But she couldn't do it, she couldn't give in for fear of being reassigned in the blink of an eye. Chuck didn't deserve someone broken like her, someone who couldn't be what he needed her to be. He deserved better. She would tell herself that every single time she hurt him, before ending the day sobbing herself to sleep; because, yes, Agent Walker, the Ice Queen, the most deadly of all CIA agents, was reduced to a hopeless, sobbing mass every night.

Down in Castle, surrounded by monitors, Sarah momentarily let her guard down for a single moment. Just as Cole made one last desperate attempt to entice Sarah to come with him, he moved in and kissed her passionately. Sarah, caught by surprise, automatically responded. She felt immediately repulsed. She wanted to pull away and stab the ever living hell out of Barker with one of her knives. But she then imagined it was in fact Chuck kissing her.

That's why her body responded so enthusiastically; she kissed Cole back for several long seconds. Then, suddenly, she remembered where she was and who she was with. Her eyes widened in surprise, anger and disgust. It wasn't her Chuck kissing her! It wasn't the man who was simply the only light left shining in her world, lighting it up every day.

It was this nefarious, persistent bastard! She pulled away immediately, anger rising within her. Her face remained blank, as she struggled to gain control over the emotional turmoil she was feeling.

"Goodbye Agent Walker," Cole quipped, with a confident grin, "It was a pleasure working with you," he said, the corner of his mouth rising half an inch.

Right now she didn't care about Cole, or about anything else apart from her Chuck. She just turned tail and fled up the stairs in a quick jog, leaving a surprised and stunned Agent Barker watching her. Frantically wiping her mouth with the back of her hand to dislodge any traces of the smug MI6 agent, she walked into the Orange Orange.

She was so disgusted by Cole that she couldn't explain it. Before Chuck, she would have thought he was her type, and would almost certainly be on that plane to Fiji that Cole had mentioned, just about now. But now she couldn't think of anything but Chuck. She had to talk to him, had to sort this out in some way. She stepped out of the Orange Orange, beelining straight for the BuyMore.

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As Chuck walked swiftly across the parking lot towards the BuyMore, he was contemplating his life, turning it over and over in his head. How foolish he'd been! To even think that a woman like Sarah could be even remotely interested in someone like him! He was the biggest idiot in all of Burbank, bar none. After the initial anger he felt has passed, it was replaced by a harrowing pain and sadness. His life suddenly felt worthless. Sarah Walker, the woman who was keeping him sane through the entire Intersect megalomania, would rather stick with some James Bond pretender.

To give the man some credit though, Barker did take a bullet for Sarah twice. Chuck supposed that they did really look good together. He almost wished that Sarah would just go with Cole.

As he reached his NerdHerder, he opened the door and got in, momentarily leaning forward on the steering wheel and resting his head in his hands.

'She probably never even liked me,' he thought despairingly. He started up the ignition and reversed out of the parking lot, driving away down a busy street as the afternoon sun heated him through the windshield. He turned left off the Burbank Avenue and headed to a little-known bar that he used to visit often some years ago.

'Casey will probably be worried that the Intersect's not where he can keep an eye on it,' he thought bitterly. He didn't care. He'd go back to the BuyMore later today. First, he needed to drown himself in his sorrows. He got out of the car and walked through the front door of O'Connor's Corner, the slightly smoky haze hitting him in the face. All eyes in the bar momentarily turned to him, then went back to their previous business. Chuck let his eyes adjust to the slightly darker atmosphere of the bar, taking in the homely appearance of it. There were round tables scattered over the main area, several mounted animal heads, including that of a bear - which he supposed looked slightly fake - were on the wall above the bar.

The entire large room was lit by dim lamps stationed at strategic positions throughout the space. There were many patrons sitting at either the tables or the leather-seated booths at the far wall.

Shoulders hanging, Chuck walked towards the bar itself, sitting on a high stool with his eyes facing down at the countertop. He motioned offhandedly to the barkeeper, to which the barkeeper asked him what he would like to drink.

"I'm feeling adventurous, Scotch please," Chuck replied in a half-mutter, half-growl. He supposed he should tell Morgan that him and Sarah would not be getting back together. His best friend deserved to know. As the barkeep poured Chuck a shot glass of whiskey, Chuck grabbed a firm hold of it and knocked it back, the brown liquid burning it's way down his throat.

"Another," he said. Just then, a hand appeared on Chuck's shoulder, jolting him around to face the newcomer. John Casey, agent of the NSA, looked gruffly at his asset, his face twisted into a disapproving scowl. He would never say it, even under torture, but he had come to really respect Bartowski, despite his consistent annoyance. This however, was something he did not like to see.

"What's got you so low, moron?" he demanded as Chuck turned fully to face him. Casey sat down on the stool next to him.

Chuck, momentarily surprised at Casey's sudden appearance, quickly realised that it would take little to no effort for a spy of Casey's calibre to track him down and tail him from the BuyMore once he saw that he was gone.

"I think I finally get it now," said Chuck quietly, not looking Casey in the eyes. "She never liked me in the first place. I'm starting to think that even the little moments we had were just to keep the Intersect compliant, willing to do the Government's bidding."

"So it's Walker, huh?" Casey eyed Chuck curiously, with his elbow resting on the bartop. "You know I hate it when you go on about your lady feelings, how someday you'll have a normal life when this is all over, with Walker?"

Chuck nodded, his eyes slightly glazed over from the immediate effect of the alcohol, but also from the tears that were starting to form absently in his eyes.

Casey was secretly sure that Walker was completely compromised, head over heels in love with Chuck Bartowski, whether she knew it yet or not. He was secretly rooting for the two of them for a while now, in his own rough way. But he also knew how dangerous this situation was. It could very well get them killed. So he decided to try to numb Chuck's pain for the moment.

"You have to realise, Bartowski, that Walker's a pro. She's an agent. It's strictly forbidden to fall in love as a handler with your asset. It would get her reassigned in a moment. She has to be professional. You have to accept that," he said, trying to sound sympathetic, but only producing a noise akin to that of two rocks grating together. "I don't know what the two of you had so far, but I extremely doubt that she would manipulate you, even if she was ordered to."

"I just can't believe I fooled myself for two whole years," mumbled Chuck miserably.

"Come on, let's get back to the BuyMore," Casey replied, grabbing Chuck's shoulder again, slightly softer this time. They walked out and Chuck got into his Herder, while Casey got into his Crown Vic. As it was nearing the end of their shifts, they intended to drive back and sign out, then head home.

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Sarah looked over the entirety of the BuyMore, unable to find either Chuck or Casey. She knew they weren't down in castle. She had to find Chuck, or Casey and ask him where Chuck was. She needed to at least try to tell him that she loved him, to at least convey the message in some way. It was something she admitted to herself in front of a mission report camera on day 72 of Operation Bartowski, a long time ago.

Huffing in frustration, she walked back out into the parking lot. She would get her Porsche and drive back to Chuck's apartment in Echo Park to see if he was there.

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As Chuck pulled into the Buy More parking lot, he parked his Nerd Herder and sat for a moment, staring at nothing really. His mind wandered back to Sarah, his heart heavy, still wrestling with the image of her and Cole. It hurt more than he could admit, even to Casey, but he couldn't shake the feeling that this was the final blow.

He took a deep breath and stepped out into the cool evening air. He needed to bury himself in work, in something — anything to keep his mind off the ache in his chest. It wasn't like he had many other options.

Walking toward the entrance, he heard rapid footsteps behind him. He didn't have to turn around to know who it was.

"Chuck!"

Her voice. It still had that effect on him, like a current running through his veins. He clenched his fists inside his jacket pockets, steadying himself before slowly turning to face her.

Sarah was standing a few feet away, her expression conflicted, eyes searching his face for something — forgiveness, maybe. Understanding? But he had nothing left to give at that moment. Not after what he'd seen.

"Chuck, I..." She hesitated, the usual calm in her voice faltering. "Can we talk?"

Chuck let out a heavy sigh, barely able to look her in the eyes. "I don't think there's much to talk about, Sarah."

Her heart sank at his use of her name — no teasing, no soft tone. Just Sarah.

"I saw you," he said quietly, his voice strained. "I saw everything."

Her eyes widened slightly, a hint of panic crossing her face. She stepped forward instinctively, her hand half-raised toward him. "Chuck, it's not what you think."

Chuck scoffed, a bitter laugh escaping his lips. "Isn't it, though? You kissed him, Sarah. And I don't think it was the first time."

She winced at the accusation, even though part of it wasn't true. She wished she could explain it all, explain why she responded to Cole's kiss in that moment of weakness. But how could she, when the truth was tangled in layers of her duty as an agent and her feelings for Chuck? She wanted to say so many things, to tell him that it was him she cared about, him she dreamed of every night, that she sometimes daydreamed of what their kids would look like. But the words wouldn't come. They never did.

"Cole kissed me, Chuck, and I... I didn't mean to..." She trailed off, biting her lip in frustration at her own inability to explain the complexity of it all.

Chuck's brow furrowed, his hands coming out of his pockets as he stepped closer to her, the pain in his eyes clear. "Didn't mean to? Sarah, I don't understand! You keep saying we're a team, you and me, that we're partners, but it doesn't feel like it. I've been trying for two years to figure out if we're just some mission to you or if this—" he gestured between them "—is actually real!"

Tears welled up in Sarah's eyes, but she blinked them back, refusing to let them fall. She wanted to tell him how real it was. That every moment she spent with him, every touch, every glance, was the most real thing in her life. But the words stayed lodged in her throat, trapped by the overwhelming weight of her duty, and her lack of skill at talking about her feelings.

"Chuck," she whispered, her voice trembling. "You are not just a mission. You never were."

Chuck's expression softened for a split second before the wall came back up. "Then why does it always feel like I'm the only one willing to fight for this?" he said monotonely, his face losing all trace of emotion.

Sarah took a deep breath, knowing this was her moment. If she didn't fight for him now, she might lose him forever. But just as she opened her mouth to speak, her phone buzzed — the unmistakable sound of a mission alert.

She flinched as if it physically hurt. Chuck's face hardened again.

"Of course. Duty calls," he muttered bitterly, turning away from her. "Go save the world, Sarah."

"Chuck, wait!" She grabbed his arm, desperation in her voice. "Please, let me explain—"

"Explain what?" he snapped, finally letting his emotions spill out. "That I'm just the guy with the Intersect? That you have to protect me because it's your job? Because that's how it feels. And I can't keep doing this, Sarah. I can't keep pretending that I'm okay with all of it. Because I'm not."

Sarah's grip loosened, her hand dropping to her side. Her heart shattered at the sight of the hurt she'd caused him, but she couldn't tell him the truth — not all of it, not without risking everything. And he was right. He deserved more than this. More than her half-truths and empty reassurances.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice barely audible.

Chuck closed his eyes for a moment, trying to calm the storm inside him. But when he opened them again, all he could feel was exhaustion. "Yeah. Me too."

Without another word, he turned and walked away, leaving Sarah standing there, her world crumbling around her.

She stood there, watching him disappear into the Buy More, her chest tight with regret. She had never felt so powerless, so torn between what she was trained to do and what she wanted. But now, she feared she had lost him for good. She'd seemingly led him on in a never ending "will-we-won't-we" limbo for two entire years.

Casey walked, having just parked his vic, up to her and saw her stoic face, her set jaw, and knew that something had happened.

"Hey. Get your head in the game Walker," he said sternly, attempting to even out the less-than-obvious emotional turmoil visible on Sarah's face. "Bartowski seems to be shutting down completely. If you ask me, we're lucky that he hasn't cracked months ago."

Sarah didn't even acknowledge he was there. Her knees felt weak, and she just wanted to drop through the floor of the parking lot then and there. Finding the courage to walk again, she turned on the spot and walked back to the Orange Orange.

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Inside the Buy More

Chuck stormed through the sliding doors, ignoring the confused looks from Jeff and Lester as they stood behind the Nerd Herd counter, muttering something about their latest "scheme." He didn't care. Not today.

Morgan appeared by his side almost immediately, sensing his best friend's mood.

"Chuck, buddy, you look like—"

"I don't want to talk about it," Chuck cut him off, not slowing down as he headed toward the back room.

Morgan trotted after him, concern etched on his face. "It's Sarah, isn't it? You two had a fight?"

Chuck stopped in his tracks, his hand gripping the edge of a display shelf for support. "It's not just a fight, Morgan." His voice cracked. "I don't know if there's anything left to fight for."

Morgan's face fell, the weight of Chuck's words sinking in. He had seen this day coming for a while—the tension, the looks, the way Sarah and Chuck danced around each other, never quite saying what they both needed to say. But hearing Chuck say it out loud felt different. Final.

"I'm sorry, man," Morgan said softly. "I know how much she means to you."

Chuck didn't respond. He just gave Morgan a small, sad smile before walking into the back room and closing the door behind him.

He leaned against the wall, closing his eyes as a flood of memories washed over him—Sarah smiling at him after a successful mission, the way her hand would brush against his when no one was looking, the sound of her laugh when she let her guard down. All of it.

And now, it felt like none of it had ever been real.

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A/N2: It will get better, I promise.