Ron the True Fan: Hello, Galar, goodbye Galar. I fucking hate this region.
Takeshi Yamato: Yeah, not GameFreak's best efforts. About the best things to come out of this region were the starters and the weapon doggos.
Ron the True Fan: Fucking Christ, when people think 'United Kingdom', they don't think 'soccer'. That's more Brazil and South America in general. They think kings, queens, the Wars of the Roses, Henry the 8th and the MANY beheadings of his wives.
Takeshi Yamato: Inteleon is probably the best of the starters for being 'on theme', because another thing that came out of the UK is James Bond.
Ron the True Fan: Next time, don't fuck up on a country theme. On with the fic.
Hulbury - Galar Region - 0819 hours local time - Day 278 of Ash Ketchum's Pokemon Journey
Kyoji Akamura poked his head out of the tent, grinning. Not because he had gotten lucky - while he and Neesha were in the kissing stage, the next one was a little harder, not to mention they were outside, tent or no tent - but because he was on a mission.
An Officer Jenny stared at him, seeing Neesha napping inside. "Do I havta ask?" she asked, a heavy Galarian accent on her tongue.
"My friend has a girlfriend and we didn't want to run up the bill at the hotel." he said. "Don't worry, nothing untoward's going on in here."
She raised an eyebrow. "I'd smell it first." she replied dryly before turning to leave. "But you're obviously dressed. Carry on."
"Wait a second!" Kyoji called, making her stop. "Do you know if there's a coachmaker in town?"
The police officer blinked. "Why?" she asked, confused. Kyoji grinned.
"I have an order to make." he answered.
Serena opened her eyes. Ash was still happily nestled between her assets, making her smile before she heard Tatsuki in her sleep.
"Ooooh… Ash~…" the future Empress moaned. SOMEONE was having a good dream!
"Master~…" said Robin, resulting in more grinning from Serena. She supposed this was a good night.
Misty then jumped awake, looking down before rushing into the bathroom. Serena's grin turned into an evil smirk. A GREAT night, then!
Anabel was next. "…I think I was broadcasting too much…" she said.
"I don't think anyone's complaining." Serena said, amused. "Misty might, but only because she needs to wash her clothes now." She might be barred from that sort of thing physically, but mentally was another story. So long as there was consent, no problem.
Ash wasn't consenting - and Serena's personalities all agreed, as he was NOT ready for that level of intimacy mentally or physically yet - so he wasn't getting involved. Baby steps.
She then shifted, moving down and getting face to face with Ash. "Good morning, love." she said, planning to wake him up with a kiss. Just lips on lips. No further. A token of love.
How surprising was it for her when he pressed forward, tongue going into her mouth when she gasped. …Well, SHE wasn't going to complain! She returned it, moaning VERY happily into it.
'All is as according to my design!' Jade cackled mentally.
'You sound like an old genocidal pervert.' Astral Serena said, REALLY wishing she was in the driver's seat.
'Oh, please. I don't want genocide. Except on Team Galactic.' the embodiment of sexuality retorted. 'I DO NOT LIKE GETTING COCKBLOCKED!'
Ash's eyes started to open, but Serena secured her grip, reeling him in and wrapping her arms behind his head. After a moment, she let him go.
"Morning, lover. And before you say anything… you started it." Serena said. "There are witnesses."
Ash looked down to find Anabel, who shyly waved. After this, he started to get up, Anabel getting off his legs. "Excuse me." he said, going to the bathroom as soon as he was on his feet.
Serena gestured to be silent to Anabel before he opened the door. Misty screamed before rushing out, clutching her shirt and shorts, but not wearing… ANYTHING.
"This makes me sad." Serena said as Misty had her minor freakout. "First girl he sees topless is Becca. The first girl he sees buck naked is Misty. Why not ME?"
"You're going to have his first child." Anabel pointed out as the resident broodmother woke up, Tatsuki groaning at not waking up alongside Ash.
"Yeah, but that's in another few years. I want to be one of his firsts in another way." she groused. "And going into the shower makes it too tempting to do things we are NOT ready for."
At least she had her priorities straight.
"I am surrounded by lunatics." Mei said by the window as they awoke and Ash likely swore revenge on Kyoji for all this.
Hulbury Coachmen - 0845 hours local time
Kyoji was on a mission given to him by Arceus.
…Ok, not really, but as far as he was concerned, getting a lot of heavy-duty coaches designed for Johto's roads WAS a mission from Arceus.
Ash was a walker. Among other things, he enjoyed walking around. That said, they were going to be going to Johto, he had a herd of Tauros, he was going to USE them.
He knocked on the door, an old man looking out of the window a moment later before opening the door. "Can I help ye?" he asked.
"I would like to order some carriages from you." Kyoji answered, a smile on his face. He certainly had the money to pay for it, now that the Akamura Clan's assets were open to him without it being so guilt-inducing.
"Plural?" the old man said. "That'll cost."
"And I am MORE then happy to pay." Kyoji said, also more then happy to not destroy his feet on Johto's horrible roads. "So, here's the thing… these are designed for Tauros, not Rapidash or something."
"Heavy duty, then." the coachmaker said. "Are ye draggin' yerself through Johto or something?"
Kyoji chuckled. "As a matter of fact, YES." he said. "And if they can handle Johto, they can handle anything."
Both men chuckled at that, as truer words were never said. "How many? Two? They seat 10 plus their luggage." he asked.
"…Three. Just in case." Kyoji said. "Plus spare parts. Just in case." Victory was his!
There was no way in hell this trip was going to go bad now!
Back at the hotel
Groaning as she woke up, Bell blinked as she saw the sleeping face of her girlfriend. All was right in the world.
She nearly went back to sleep before she felt something warm and soft press into her back. "Hmm… Princess…" said the voice of a woman she recognized as her bodyguard, Hikaru. "I'm yours forever…"
Bell found blue and blonde hair plastered next to her. As well as multiple bottles of cheap wine she KNEW she didn't ask for.
…And a headache that said she DID.
Great, she slept with her bodyguards while drunk. She then spotted bite marks on her shoulders and felt them on her neck.
"Yes, princess…" said the blonde. "I'm your knight… for life…"
"Care to prove that?" asked Bell, one eyebrow raised, making all three jump up awake while Asuka yawned. "Care to explain why you're all in my bed, naked?"
The three girls all clenched their heads in pain. Hangovers. Bell had a LOT more experience with them thanks to cheap beer, cheaper vodka and memories of her father getting vaporized.
"You take this, Fuu." Hikaru said, putting a pillow over her ears.
"Fuck my liiiiiiiiiiiifffffffeeeeee…" Umi said, doing the same, but attempting to bury herself into Bell's barely-covered assets - and we stress barely, as she had a single sheet covering them - before ducking under the covers.
Fuu groaned. "When Lord Ash was in Ransei, we saw you and… well-"
Bell sighed. "You were stalking me." she said.
"Accurate, if making us sound like psychos." the blonde said, trying to find her glasses. "You're snarky, your honest, you prefer an honest life and you're beautiful. And you're the right sexual orientation."
Bell snorted. "What, me being lesbian helps?" she snarked.
"So are we." Fuu said, before finding them and putting them on. "And clearly we enjoyed each other's company… drunk or not. Perhaps you would like to see if we're just as appealing when not intoxicated?"
Bell thought about it. "Shower. Now." she ordered. "All three of you."
Fuu got the attention of her fellows while Asuka woke up. "What did I drink last night?" she asked, looking at the guards before finding the bottles. "Oh. I think I went overboard…"
"And we're going to enjoy the consequences. Shower. NOW. We're ALL getting cleaned up." she said, dropping a hint that sobered ALL of them up.
It wasn't Lapras cold, but it was cold enough.
He didn't even bat an eye as all the girls rushed in as soon as he left the bathroom, minus Mei, who was sitting crosslegged at the window.
"Lunatics." she said.
"Well, you were raised in a monastery. You're not familiar with normal." he said, before getting dressed in a new shirt, underwear and jeans, knowing she wouldn't watch.
"True. I am still getting used to the idea of being a Pokemon trainer." she admitted. "As a priestess, we did not capture our Pokemon. They remained out, so not to dilute their connection to Arceus. That and I still can't decide what my Pokemon will be."
Ash snorted. Oh boy. "Pick what you feel is right." he advised. "Cliche, but cliches are cliches because they happen so much." He put the cap on his head, then went for the door. His way to knock on Bell's door was barred by a wall of muscle when he opened it.
"Morning, Cousin!" said Leon. "And I do mean that literally: I checked our family tree. We're related by our fourth great-grandmother. Two sisters married into different families! Explains your skill."
"My family has nothing to do with it and I'd like to check on my sister." Ash said, somewhat testy about the early morning info dump AND needing his coffee.
"Pika." 'Black with hazelnuts, please.' asked Pikachu. Like trainer, like starter.
"Not an early riser?" Leon asked, brushing aside the seeming rudeness due to a lack of black gold.
"I usually don't sleep at all, 'cousin'." Ash retorted. "It takes me two days to fall asleep for three hours. The nightmares keep me from sleeping long."
"Your father?" Leon asked, gently. Ash knew he was trying to be delicate while getting some information to sate his curiosity.
He indulged. "Among other things." Ash said, giving him all he needed to know: his dreams HATED him.
Leon took the hint. "Sorry. I'll get you your coffee. Preferences?" he asked.
"Black with hazelnuts. For me AND Pikachu." he said. "Hazelnut takes the bite off."
"Well, we're visiting a research lab in an hour. " Leon said. "Enough time for you to wake up. You might be interested in Galar's fossil Pokemon. Maybe to bring one with you?"
"I'm planning on releasing that Rookidee. I've got more then enough Pokemon." Ash said.
90 minutes later
This place was an abomination. He was starting to understand why Mewtwo BLEW UP the lab in the previous timeline. Some things were not meant to exist.
"And here is Dracovish!" said the woman in charge, Cara Liss, who was seemingly oblivious to what was WRONG with all of these poor things or simply did not care. "It has to keep its' gills hydrated, otherwise it will die! It's why it went extinct."
"Vish." 'I don't feel so good. Why am I on land? Why do I have these strange fins? Help me…' moaned the 'Dracovish'.
He was going to torch the place. He was going to pull out all his fire-types and BURN this place down.
Misty looked at the poor thing, then released Staryu to water the poor thing. "Ash. She's a psychopath." she said.
"I am AWARE." Ash said, his temper BARELY being restrained.
Then the door opened, with a grinning Kyoji. "Hey, Ash, remember that carriage thing-WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THESE POKEMON?!" he exclaimed as he saw the fossil Pokemon in question. "It looks like a butcher went and hacked these guys apart and glued them together!"
Cara scoffed. "Clearly, you can't see that evolution had a lot of epic ideas, but horrible executions." the scientist explained. "All of them have incredible abilities-"
"Shut the fuck up you arrogant bitch." All eyes turned to Ash, who was no longer willing to put up with her bullshit. "You TORTURED these poor things by taking them apart and putting them together the WRONG WAY. I've seen FRAGMENTS of fossils used to revive Pokemon. What's YOUR excuse?!"
"Seconded." Kyoji added as he looked at Dracovish. "Poor guy has the head of a fish and the body of a dragon-type! While what looks like the right head for the dragon body's attached to the fish body!"
"I have the authorization of the regional professor and the Champion to do my work!" the ignorant woman declared. "Besides, Arceus would have to show his disapproval for you to do anything."
The equipment started powering up… then exploding, filling the room with smoke.
Tatsuki and Kyoji proved their sibling connection as a deadpan. "Arceus just showed you."
Ash gently pet the poor hybrid's head. "You will get your justice." he vowed.
"You can't do shit to me!" Cara Liss said. "You'd need the Champion to-"
"WHAT IN THE FUCKING DISTORTION REALM IS THIS?!" Leon yelled as he came in, having had to deal with the press and saw the fossil Pokemon for the first time. "I DID NOT GIVE APPROVAL FOR THIS!"
Ash gave her a look. "You were SAYING." he intoned darkly. "Fortunately for YOU, I don't get to decide your fate."
The Pokemon version of Josef Mengele blinked. "Buh?" she said dumbly.
"You wronged them." he said, gesturing to the Pokemon in the lab she butchered. "Champion Leon, I think they deserve to choose her punishment."
Tatsuki stepped up to add her voice to this. "As Crown Princess of Ransei, I second my betrothed's request. If this were in Ransei, her victims would decide her fate." she spat. "You're no better then my brother. He finned Gibles. THIS IS WORSE!"
Leon threw up his hands. "She's yours. I have to go deal with the future PR disaster." he said, furious. "I let her do this. I fucked up. She's yours."
At that, all the fossil Pokemon looked at her.
"Wait, you owe me! I brought you to life! I CREATED YOU!" Cara shouted. "YOU OWE ME!"
"Zolt." 'Do to her what was done to us.' said a mismatched dragon with a tiny torso and massive legs and tail. "Drac." 'Let her see how it feels.'
The others nodded in agreement. "You messed with them. You suffer what they did." Ash relayed.
The 'scientist' tried to run. She got no further then three steps before being thrown into a teleporter pod.
For anyone who watched the 1989 version of The Fly, you know EXACTLY how this is going to go. (WHACK!)
"NO! WAIT!" she begged.
"Oh, SHUT UP." Ash snapped, too angry to care.
Leon did NOT want to know what was going on. He was dealing with the press and explaining his hands-off approach to the Pokemon researchers in Galar and how THAT was about to end.
THAT'S when the screaming started.
"What in Arceus name is THAT?!" demanded a reporter.
"Someone getting their comeuppance." Leon said, disgusted with what he saw, what he let happen and with himself for not bothering to engage in greater oversight. He was sending those Pokemon to Kanto. Oak would take better care of them then the local professor. He had SO much housecleaning to do, apparently.
Then Ash stormed out, looking LIVID, followed by Kyoji. "Dude, I get that she deserved it and they literally demanded it, but that was WRONG." the Ranseian said.
"I'm not the one who chose her punishment, Kyoji." Ash replied, clearly trying not to snap at him. "That was her victims. And don't tell me they didn't get to decide what she got. I was tempted to let Charizard use Blast Burn on her, but that would've cheated them of their right to get justice for what they suffered."
Kyoji winced. Blast Burn was NOT something you wanted to get hit with. "Ok, sure, you got a point, but it wasn't exactly pretty." he admitted, right before a loud scream came from the building. "Ugh."
"Wasn't my decision." Ash said. He just wanted to go home. He was tired. Tired of people like Cara Liss, Cyrus, Giovanni and so many more.
He needed a nap.
Ron the True Fan: No lore entry this time. It's pretty obvious what I think that bitch deserved. She put togther Pokemon from two separate species, with two separate metabolisms, together. I compared the bitch to the Butcher of Auschwitz for a FUCKING REASON.
Takeshi Yamato: Yeah, she was a hack, and a butcher. She deserved what she got.
Ron the True Fan: I don't care that Game Freak was rushed. I don't care that she's a reference to the Bone Wars and 1850s palaeotology. If you wanted to make fossil Pokemon that were clearly refs to the UK, TRY IGUANODON! MEGALOSAURUS! HELL, FOR LAZINESS SAKE, BARYONYX! NOT! FUCKING! DIFFICULT! …We're done here. It's time to actually get into Johto PROPER.
Takeshi Yamato: And with those carts Kyoji made, it's not going to go as canon - mainly in that we are going to skip almost all the needless filler.
Ron the True Fan: In the famous words of the guy doing the Danmachi Abridged, echoing everyone who watches anime adapted from manga, WE HATE FILLER CONTENT. I try to make it at least SUBSTANTIAL and less… unnecessary…
Takeshi Yamato: Yeah. We only include filler if it serves a purpose. Most of the anime filler doesn't do that.
Ron the True Fan: Now… you know how to get these moving faster. Link's in my profiles on FFN and AO3. Now… time to tie up Take, because I don't want to see him until it's time to do editing on the NEXT ONE!
Takeshi Yamato: Wait, wha-
Ron the True Fan: GET OVER HERE!
Ja Ne!