the heart holds more - (than its own lifetime)
thenyx_narratives (4sunlight_throughtheashes4)
Summary:
When Ryu Sunjae dies for the first time, he refuses to let the memory of Im Sol go.
Fate brings him back as a ghost; the impossible ether of his existence settling indelibly over Sol's soul.
She is the only one who can see him: the one person Sunjae can still touch - still speak to.
Death is no barrier to the bond that blossoms between a one-time idol and the girl who smiled him into solitary affection for fifteen long years. Some relationships are stronger than gold.
Every love story is a ghost story. The beloved is a haunting only the heart can make.
Is love enough to bring someone back to life?
(chapter twenty-five: complete.)
Notes:
I AM BACK!
hi, everyone - my name is nyx and lovely runner is the single great love of my life. i've never adored a show the way i adore LR - and even though it's been months, i just can't seem to move on. this 'fic is a testament to that.
i believe in precious little except grief, love and memory. i think life is at heart, about navigating these emotions from beginning till end. and i believe that love is limitless in its power - that it can reach beyond time, beyond death.
this story sets out to prove that.
(sunjae and sol are my entire heart and i hope i do them justice.)
a few points:
i have an atypical, poetic style of writing that may not be what you're accustomed to: but i hope you'll give it a chance. my writing borders on stream-of-consciousness; adjacent to a loose, shifting form of narrative.
this chapter begins with sunjae's PoV, then sol's, then sunjae's again. for reference: "~/~" denotes a shift in PoV, while " . . . " in vertical format denotes a shift in time.
i don't have an updating schedule as of yet, but i will try to post chapters as regularly as i am able.
the title of this 'fic comes from a book of poems titled "every present thing, a ghost," by rebecca doverspike.
the full quote is beautiful and worth sharing: 'i tremble with what's not there with full tenderness; the heart holds more than its own lifetime.'
(See the end of the work for more notes.)
Chapter 1: love is as strong as death (as unyielding as the grave)
Chapter Text
the heart holds more – (than its own lifetime)
"Do you believe in ghosts?"
– Of course. I have seen longing grow legs and follow me.
~ Genna Rose Nethercott, from 'A Ghost Is A Memory'
for love is as strong as death (as unyielding as the grave)
Dying was a cobweb's-breath beyond pain.
There was little to note before the knife kissed the keen edge of my throat, before the bruising shove off the balcony – the blood blooming into dark banners, unfurling in the blue chlorine of the water.
There was only a moment, suspended in the slanted coldness, the pulse of the pool alive around the slack weight of my ankles – that I thought of her.
Im Sol.
The black opening of the umbrella, indistinguishable from her dense curls – a sweep of dark-on-dark against the outline of the bridge; snow like soft currants of white candy collecting on her skin.
My greatest regret.
My first love.
My only unfulfilled wish.
Wherever I go, let me carry her memory, I pleaded into the ether of non-existence: the unravelling threads of what was left of my life, dissolving deeper into the whorls of indifferent water. Let me bear this bitterness beyond my body – as long as I can still recognize her face.
That first glimpse of her features, fifteen years far behind the future: the sun-warmed arc of her smile, the translucent fingers of the rain raking through her hair – the daisy-yellow umbrella she raised over my head: the freshness of flowers in one small gesture.
Let me keep it all, I begged one final time: my eyes blind to all but the burning edges of her tears on that bridge. Let me not lose at least this knowledge.
It was the last thing I thought of before the air receded from my lungs forever.
~ / ~
The river-water was salting my skin: bolts of brittle cold boring into my spine as I dove for the watch, but I didn't care.
It was his watch. The last piece of him I would ever have.
"N-No," I choked, the shocked debris of the last hour disavowing the air in my throat. "You can't be dead. Please, please – don't be dead. Please, god, no."
The memory of him on the glittering brocade of the bridge – the large fragility of his hands; trembling slightly as he pressed the hot-pack into my palm. The rich velvet sadness of his eyes; edged by the dark reeds of his lashes.
Why does he look so heartbroken? I had wondered; even in the midst of my disbelief at seeing him in person. Now I knew.
Now he was dead.
"You can't be gone," I begged the unkempt edges of the riverbank: my vision blurring enough to almost see him at the edge of my sightline – the soft wool-warmth of his black coat, the sheen of his fine-dark hair. "You saved my life, Sunjae. H-How can you be gone?"
I refused to accept it.
The radio-call was as ripe as yesterday's rain – the memory of his raspy, gentle voice mixing with the mute appeal of my open mouth – parted around the past tense of his name.
Telling me it was not the end.
Telling me life was worth waiting past the porous endlessness of my own sorrow.
"HOW CAN YOU BE GONE," I screamed, my voice rawer than the red corners of uncut glass – loud enough that passersby' were stopping in their tracks – gaping at the abandoned wheelchair; the watch dangling from my nerveless fingers. "HOW CAN YOU NOT BE HERE?"
But I couldn't see the people hurrying toward me.
All I could see were the faint lines around Sunjae's mouth: the slight downturn of disappointment when Hyunjoo's car had crawled to a stop next to me.
Why hadn't I gone with him? Why had I let him go?
"I'm sorry," I sobbed, numb to the supporting arms of the strangers pulling me out of the river. "Sunjae-ah, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please come back to me. Please."
Let this not be the end, I pleaded silently, tears freezing into flickers of nothingness on my salt-stippled cheeks – the memory of his lonely hands, loosely fisted at his sides as he watched me leave the bridge like a lance of agony cleaving through my bones. Let me hold onto him somehow.
Let him still exist in this world.
A rapier of light: whip-cord whiteness suddenly illuminated my wrist – the battered blackness of the watch suddenly leaking heat against the curve of my hand.
"Im Sol," I could almost hear the defeated smoke of his voice, the sighed syllables of my name raising goosebumps on my skin, still streaming with water. "Let me keep it all…"
It was the last thing I heard before the cessation of light was all that I could see.
~ / ~
The water was gone. So was the darkness.
There was the silted gold of lamp-light overhead; solid gray concrete under my feet. Snow was dotting the damp edges of my shoes – but I didn't feel cold.
I didn't feel anything.
Where am I?
I wondered; and then, with a sickening swoop, recognized the apartment block for what it was – the place where Sol lived.
How had I ended up here? Wasn't I supposed to be dead?
"Excuse me," I said hoarsely, trying to catch the eye of the old man about to enter his own apartment, his wizened hands cradling the old wood of the door-knob. "Ahjusshi, can you – can you tell me how I got here?"
The man didn't turn around – as if he hadn't heard a single word I'd said.
Panic, ice-taloned and foreboding; crept into my limbs.
"Ahjusshi," I tried again, stretching forward with desperate fingers to catch at his sleeve – only to have my hand pass through his arm: insubstantial as moth wings held up under moonlight.
Shock, disembodied and thickly bitter as dust – bit into the skin of my throat.
What's happening to me?
Blind terror; black as death – blotted my vision as I stared at my own hand: how it seemed almost see-through at the edges; my fingers flared towards the hope of touch.
But nothing could touch me now.
Because I was dead – and somehow still here.
Almost as though…
Almost as though I were a ghost.
My knees gave out; my breath punching past the borders of my ribcage with a harsh exhale as I fell against the nearest apartment door I could find.
I didn't even feel the rough grain of the wood resting against my back – I simply fell through, as if I had no substance, no weight: no memory of ever being solid, ever being warm – ever being alive.
Is this all my afterlife is?
I thought, misery as sharp as the edge of the marble mantelpiece my hand was currently trying to grasp. I didn't know whose apartment I was in – and I didn't particularly care. Is this really all that I'm meant for?
My lips twisted into a bitter smile: blackthorn deep with bleak amusement.
It seemed fitting – I had been alone all my life.
Now I would be alone in death, too.
The sound of soft, stuttering sobs stole into my ears; and I turned around, discomfited by the sound.
Despite the yawning invisibility that dredged the remnants of my body – the noise pulled at me; like a jagged hook under my navel – tugging me forwards despite my own despondency.
I passed through another door; the vague outlines of a cream-walled bedroom taking shape at the back of my eyelids – but it was the small, huddled shape of the girl on the bed that drew my attention.
I would know the slender curve of that cheek anywhere.
Im Sol?
Is it really you?
"How could you just l-leave," she wept, and vines of agony crept up my neck as I realized her hands were creased around the umbrella I had given her on the bridge; the chipped edges of her nails needling into me with their abject vulnerability. "How can you just b-be gone, Sunjae-ah?"
I'm still here, I wanted to say, my legs carrying me forward until I was leaning over her bed, reduced to a raw ache at the red-rim of her eyes. Somehow, I'm still here. And I can't regret it, Sol-ah. Not if I can still see you.
I meant it.
"Please don't cry," I whispered gently – knowing the futility of it all, and still attempting to brush my thumb over her wet cheek. "I'm not worth a single one of your tears."
I gasped as a pulse of precious; pooling warmth coursed down my fingertip – the petal-smoothness of Sol's skin somehow still tangible against my hand.
Sol's eyes flickered open; dark pools of mahogany misted with tears; widening as they drifted across my face – as if she could see me, really see me: more intimate than a lover's touch.
"Sunjae?" She stammered in a cracked whisper, her hand shaking – a pale butterfly of movement brushing against my jaw. "S-Sunjae-ah?"
Chapter 2: cloak of many blankets wounding you to warmth
Summary:
we explore the aftermath (or afterlife) of sunjae's death.
Notes:
hi! _
i didn't expect to come out with the second chapter so soon - but this was eating at my brain and i had to pen it down - and here you are!
sunjae's PoV throughout.
chapter title is taken from lucie brock-braido's gorgeous poem: "the possible music of your hair."
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Ask me if I can still hear his
exhaled prayers: I am still waiting to be found.
To be found, tell me why there is nothing
more holy than becoming a ghost.
~ Tanaya Winder, from 'Becoming a Ghost'
cloak of many blankets wounding you to warmth
Sol's touch burned.
Her fingers were tips of flame – singeing my skin out of silence; out of darkness – into the blaze of belonging that broke over my body at her wide, disbelieving gaze: drinking me in as if I was her last drop of water.
"You can – you can see me?" My voice was breath on paper – ash on reformed ash; kindled to warmth by the wave of wounded awe that swept over Sol's face.
"Sunjae-ah," she let out a choked gasp; the cashmere blue of her comforter catching around her ankles as she pitched forward – straight into my arms.
If I still had had a heartbeat – it would have stopped right then.
How many times had I imagined this: bruised by the innocence of my boyhood into believing little but the undefined borders of her arms – the bridges of her eyebrows; tiny trellises I could only treasure from a distance. All my life I had held on to her memory: even after the accident had severed the smallest of my hopes into irreparable pieces. My songs had been steeped in the tea-sweet tenderness of her smile: had formed terraces intended only for the touch of her hand.
She had been the first and only love of my life – was it any wonder that my death had somehow become hers, too?
Gently, I held her up against me – the slack weight of her legs still searing salt and lemon into my raw skin.
"Sol-ah," I couldn't help but say softly – though I had never once had cause to say it in my life; had never let myself come near her after what I had let happen.
I could hear Sol's heartbeat pressed against the lack of my own – it seemed death had done for me what my life could not; it had delivered me right back to the first dream that had ever deepened my heart: the stillness of her skin against my own. "You – you shouldn't move."
She stared at me – silver still collecting against the sides of her eyes: and a stilted sort of affection settled within me; bittersweet and brewed with regret.
I had never been able to know her; be close to her – to Sol; I had just been an idol: an unreachable figure forested behind the wild fields of my fame. But she had mourned me, still – there was no denying the tearing anguish tethering her face into a place of raw ache – the profound relief of her hands; fisting against the material of my shirt.
"You're – you're alive?" She whispered, the words as fragile as the fifteen years of silence I had swaddled against my chest. "You're – you're not dead, Sunjae-ah?
Did my wish really come true?"
"No," I said quietly; resisting the urge to sweep my thumb over the swell of her soaked cheek as I set her back gently on the bed. "No, I don't – I don't think so, Sol-ah. I'm dead – no one can see me except you. I think – I think I'm a ghost…"
Sol's mouth; lips chapped and cherry-soft, parted with shock – but she did not shrink away from me. Her hand, trembling slightly – caught at my sleeve: her little finger lining the curve of my wrist; like a rope of soft fire forming around my skin.
"I'm s-sorry," the seedlings of fresh sobs stuttered out from her mouth; her hair a dark apology tickling my cheek as she leaned towards me. "I'm so sorry, Sunjae-ah. I'm sorry I didn't go back with you on the bridge; that I couldn't s-save you, that you – that you died."
Sol's voice splintered around the last word; the powdery cinders of my passing pressing against the column of my throat: charring in my mouth as I watched misery map its own hand over her face.
"Don't blame yourself," I murmured carefully; unable to keep from trailing a finger over her wet cheek. "There was nothing you could have done."
The memory of my death was barely as substantial as spider-silk – slipping through the folds of my curled fingers as I tried to cup the impossible weight of it; the water – the widening into something more spirit than solidity. Whatever it was, though – I knew down to my bones that it was nothing Sol could have prevented.
Maybe it was always meant to be this way – for my life to end on a question; a reach towards redemption from the one girl I couldn't save.
For my death to place its hopes on the hinges of her bedroom door.
"It's not your fault, Sol-ah," I said; my words no heavier than chaff on the wind. You were the last bit of light I held onto before everything ended.
She blinked up at me, the delicate lacework of her lashes laden with tears."H-How do you know my name, Sunjae?"
I froze.
How to tell her she was the only bit of beauty that my life had ever let me keep? It would be unfair to ask her to swallow that stone – to bear the brunt of my longing; the lashings of light I had gladly taken; just to keep the sound of her name in my mouth intact.
"You – you, uh, told me on the bridge tonight," I said gently – even though she hadn't. She hadn't needed to – I had known and remembered every inch of her face.
How could I ever forget you, Sol-ah? You've been in every song I've written for the last fifteen years. You were the only reason anyone ever listened to them in the first place.
"O-Oh," Sol's fingers tightened around the edge of my sleeve; taking in the un-answering black of my overcoat; the smooth soles of my boots. The clothes I had worn when I had been struck dumb at the sight of her face on that bridge - the clothes I would now wear forever; as if even my death knew that the only moments of my life worth carrying forward were the ones she had touched. "Sunjae-ah…how – how are you here? How can I touch you if you're…?"
I had nothing to offer her as explanation – only the naked hope still haunting my hands; even now flickering in anticipation of following her face.
"I don't have an answer," I said simply. "All I know is that I ended up here – next to you."
All I know is that you were the last thing I wanted to let go of – and somehow I got to keep you, Sol-ah.
Somehow I got to stay with you.
My chest tightened as Sol raised a shaking hand; a rich vibrato of movement cradling the side of my face as carefully as if it were made of gold; not flesh and blood – or whatever was left of my body; now that I was somewhere beyond just dead.
"There has to be a reason you're still here, Sunjae-ah," she whispered, her fingers tracing the fine lines around my mouth. "And whatever it is, I won't take it for granted – not even for a second. You saved me: and if this is your afterlife – then I'm going to make it beautiful.
I'm sorry if you were alone in your life – but I won't let you be alone in death, too."
Tears pricked at the corners of my eyelids – a fundamental flame licking up the sides of my ribcage; rinsing my grief clean with blessed heat, the exact color of the barely-there smile stealing over Sol's face; as she held her hand against my cheek.
Sol-ah…
"If this is your afterlife," Sol said softly; the tip of her finger against my face touching me somewhere more sensitive than skin. "Then let me be a part of it, Sunjae-ah."
Notes:
let me know what you thought of this chapter in the comments - it'll mean the world to me!
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 3: a darkness so clean that all we've held shines through
Summary:
in which our resident ghost & beloved fangirl share a moment of note.
Notes:
sol's PoV this time!
chapter title is taken from amorak huey's beautiful poem: "light pollution."
(i am so captivated by the bittersweet melancholy of first timeline!sunjae. the show, for obvious reasons; didn't dwell on that too much - but i am still preoccupied by him, the broken promise of his boyhood dreams. getting to explore that in this 'fic is a godsend.)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Each tight little fist of clutched
brightness begins to open,
distant & close as ghost laughter
in the afternoon.
~ Yusef Komunyakaa, from 'The Chameleon Couch'
a darkness so clean that all we've held shines through
Sunjae's eyes were wide and starless – sweet-molasses deep with desperate hope; with vulnerability.
"Will you really let me stay here, Sol-ah?" He whispered; the dark fronds of his hair brushing against my cheek as he leaned forward – the edges of his face almost invisible: pale fireflies flickering against the dim quiet of my bedroom. Still, I could make out his features better than my own: the stamped-strong line of his jaw; the sensitive swell of his bottom lip. "You won't – you won't regret it?"
"How could I regret it," I said softly; the insane urge to touch his face – caress the corner of his lip, where I knew his dimple hid: washing over me in waves. "How could I regret having you to hold onto, still; Sunjae-ah?"
Other people might have called me a fool to have let an idol's death affect me so much – why mourn for someone who had never known me; never spared me a single thought? But I would never forget how I had felt when I had heard the announcement of Sunjae's passing: the desolation that had dissolved my heart into something less solid than even sorrow.
He had saved me. He had offered kindness on a rainy day to a stranger who had done nothing but snap at him. He had given the beauty of my own life back to me – even amidst the black despondency that had blanketed the loss of feeling in my legs. If this was all I could keep of him – this translucent afterimage of a boy with broken eyes and heavy hands; this silted soul fetching up on the riverbanks of my ordinary life: then I would take it.
I would stain my fingertips with the residue of his existence – I would let him haunt me forever.
"How can you want this?" Sunjae said bitterly; the faint veins of his wrists like the fine green of cracks running through old crockery. "I'm just a ghost – no better than a wraith left behind by my own death. How can you let me into your life, Sol-ah?"
"You were always a part of my life," I said gently; my fingers singed with the need to stroke through his hair – tufts of smoke smudging his temples. "Whatever you are now, Sunjae; whatever remains – your spirit or your self: I won't let go of it. I won't let go of you."
Sunjae let out a choked gasp; his chest rising and falling in a mimicry of breath – and I couldn't keep myself still anymore. I reached forward; my arms full of the memory of him – the strange music of his more-than-image, less-than-flesh: immaterial body.
Sunjae seemed to almost solidify in my arms: the cool, spectral touch of his skin against my own oddly soothing to me. I trusted him to hold me up; and he did – his large hands looping in support around my waist.
"Alive or dead, you are loved," I said softly; and Sunjae shuddered, pressing closer to me with the wintry keenness of his presence – kinetic with suppressed hope and stubborn sadness. "You are loved, Sunjae-ah."
"All your fans feel that way," I added gently – blinking in surprise as Sunjae immediately stiffened; pulling away at once. A peculiar throb pulsed beneath my ribcage at the removal of his touch – but I paid it little attention. Had I offended him somehow?
Anxiety pricked at my thumbs.
"No," Sunjae murmured; his eyes flickering with a remote sort of reticence. "No, I don't think they all do, Sol-ah. But thank you…for being my fan. For seeing something of worth in me."
"Of course you have worth," I said hotly; my hands doubling into fists as I imagined anyone even suggesting otherwise to him. "No one else is worth as much as you. Has someone said something to you, Sunjae-ah? Tell me who and I'll make them regret it!"
"It hardly matters at this point," Sunjae amusedly remarked; the corners of his lips lifting up slightly. "I'm dead, Sol-ah. I don't think a few cruel words here or there will make much difference now."
"Of course it matters," I responded obstinately. "You deserve nothing but kindness, Sunjae."
Sunjae's eyes softened: darkly sweet as cellar-stored syrup as he scanned my earnest face; flitting back and forth from my features to the indistinct paraphernalia of my room. Then his mouth quirked up; the long-beloved dimple on his face that I had spent the past fifteen years adoring dotting back into place – a sight I had not thought to see again.
"You really are my fan, huh?" Sunjae said quietly, his lips twitching; his gaze now fixed on the large cardboard cut-out figure of himself – prominently propped-up against the frame of my wood-paneled wardrobe. "That's…funny."
His laugh was a mere suggestion: blue-black ink trickling across paper – barely there but bold enough to set a flowering burn into my cheeks. Heat suffused my skin; my fingers twisting nervously against the sleeves of my sweater – but even in my embarrassment, my heart stilted at the velvet-nothingness of his subdued chuckles.
"Please don't think I'm weird," I stammered; nearly compelled to conceal my face behind the cowl of my hair. "It's just…"
It's just that you were the only bright thing in my life for a long time, Sunjae-ah. I wanted to keep you close – even if only as an image. Even if only as a dream.
"You're not weird," Sunjae's face was the lightest it had been since the moment he'd appeared in my bedroom; an almost-warmth weaving imperceptible color into his face as he poked at the cardboard figure of himself with an owlish gaze – a subtle sort of contentment shining in his eyes as he ran a gentle hand over the CDs of his music I'd collected: the bright posters and carefully-bundled recordings of his interviews. "You are… so special, Sol-ah. Thank you for thinking of me so kindly – for supporting me all this while."
"It's nice to know that someone has remembered me so fondly over these years," he added; his voice little more than a lick of breath against the soft yellow light of my bedside lamp. "That my music was able to reach you, of all people. Sol-ah, thank you for loving me, even if it's not the way I – "
Sunjae broke off; his face suddenly conflicted – the chalky contours of his cheekbones suddenly sharpening into focus.
I blinked up at him, confused – the droop of my eyes still determined to drink in the sight of him; the silvery outlines of his spirit: still capable of setting my heart aloft on the stream of his voice.
"Not the way you…? What do you mean, Sunjae-ah?"
What is it that you want that I can't give you?
"Nothing," Sunjae shook his head slightly; a small smile stretching his lips into a slanted sort of comfort. "You look tired, Sol-ah. You should sleep, I think."
It was true that my eyes were embossed with a gold heaviness – lingering on the edges of exhaustion after the upheaval of the night's events.
But I didn't want to let the sight of Sunjae go – I was afraid that if I let my lids close; he might disappear entirely – become little more than the dream of a desperate girl unwilling to accept his death.
"Please don't leave," I pleaded, catching at the soot-dark corner of his coat-sleeve. Please, Sunjae.
"Where would I go, Sol-ah?" he asked wryly; but his hand was gentle against the slope of my shoulder as he carefully tucked a pillow underneath my head. "I'll stay – I promise."
Relief loosened my limbs; my eyes slipping shut as I sensed rather than felt Sunjae's weight settle at the foot of my bed.
All through the night; the haze of his hands encroached the field of my unseeing vision – proof that he was still there; this ghost of a hundred dreams past – the pale blue breath of the boy still inexplicably bound to this earth.
He was still here.
And I would never let him go.
Notes:
let me know what you thought of this chapter in the comments, it'll make my day! 33
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 4: sunlight still holds you (and gives your shapelessness to every room)
Summary:
heavy on the angst - but then again; when is it not? xD
Notes:
chapter title is taken from phillip b. william's "final poem for my father misnamed in my mouth."
i'll probably be quoting it again, sometime in the future - it has some truly beautiful lines.
sunjae's PoV this time. :)
(i'll most probably update on the 5th now!)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
To pull the metal splinter from my palm
my father recited a story in a low voice.
I watched his lovely face and not the blade.
Before the story ended, he'd removed
the iron sliver I thought I'd die from.
I can't remember the tale,
but hear his voice still, a well
of dark water, a prayer.
And I recall his hands,
two measures of tenderness
he laid against my face,
the flames of discipline
he raised above my head.
I was seven when my father
took my hand like this,
and I did not hold that shard
between my fingers and think,
Metal that will bury me,
christen it Little Assassin,
Ore Going Deep for My Heart.
And I did not lift up my wound and cry,
Death visited here!
I did what a child does
when he's given something to keep.
I kissed my father.
~ Li-Young Lee, from 'The Gift'
sunlight still holds you (and gives your shapelessness to every room)
The day was citrine: cinnamon-scented and bright as the edge of an old bronze coin – the soft sounds of Sol washing up in the bathroom a steady metronome of comfort to my motionless body.
I was barely managing to dodge the disquiet that refused to leave me – like a neglected dog nipping at my heels; demanding attention. I was looking eternity straight in its listless; lackluster face – its wan fingers webbing my wrist with silence. People had come and gone from Sol's apartment – deliverymen carrying groceries; her brother bringing medicine: and none of them had been able to notice me.
I was struck by the stretch of my own solitary time: how not a soul save for Sol could look at me – talk to me; tell me there was still substance to the undisturbed air of my speech. I was less than a shadow: a final, flickering moment between life and death – that seemed to linger on endlessly. There was nothing in my future or my past – only a straight line of sorrow; demarcating my death for anyone who cared to witness it.
And only Sol did.
Faint color flared in my cheeks as Sol wheeled herself out of the bathroom; pink-faced and smiling. Her hand found mine in a flurry of warmth; a soft heat settling into my limbs at her simple gesture.
Only when she touched me did I feel real.
"What do you want to do today, Sunjae-ah?" She squeezed my hand gently; the vibrant answer of her face resolving questions so deep-rooted within me that I didn't even know that I had ever asked them in the first place. As always; the sight of her socked feet – neat and immovable; flooded my throat with the garnet-red sharpness of my guilt. "Want to go through my comics collection? Or maybe watch me edit videos for my clients?"
I couldn't help the slight smile that stole over my face; my hand still harboring the softness of her own within my grip. I was grateful beyond words – beyond the stillness of my own heartbeat: for her presence. Sol was all that stood between me and the encroaching dark of my own dissolution.
But there was an inescapable worry worming its way through my bones – whittling down whatever little composure I was still clinging onto into nothingness.
I had to know. I had to see him.
Even if he couldn't see me.
"Sol-ah," I said tentatively. "If…if it's not too much trouble; could you do something for me?"
"Anything," she responded immediately; and a peculiar pulse of almost-movement shot through my chest – as though my heart was remembering that it had once been capable of movement. As though my breath was recalling that it had used to catch once; at the gossamer-edged gather of her voice. "What is it, Sunjae-ah?"
"Could you…" My voice trembled slightly; fear and apprehension collecting like fine crystals of salt under my syllables. "Could you please visit my father at his restaurant? I just – I just want to know that he's doing okay. That he isn't…"
That he isn't isolating himself the way he did after 'Eomma' died, too.
Sol's eyes softened; maple-sugar and brown butter bolstering the bruised ache of my body into something nearing a burgeoning sense of hope. "Of course," she said gently; her hand fitting comfortably against the crook of my elbow – as if it belonged there. "We can go see him right now, Sunjae-ah."
"Thank you," I exhaled; relief running in rivulets down the cold slope of my shoulders. "I'll give you the address, so you know exactly where to go, Sol-ah."
Gradual color; painstakingly slow and maddeningly pink – crept over Sol's features.
"I know where it is," Sol said in an almost squeak; the tip of her nose almost peony-tinted. "I didn't – I didn't bother your dad or anything; but I went by once on a sort of… fan pilgrimage."
She eyed me anxiously; as if she thought I might be angry with her – as if that were even remotely possible.
I narrowly resisted the urge to laugh; my thumb rounding the rich-dark ends of her hair. "That's okay, Sol-ah."
A strange sort of grace fell over me because of her admission: a wisp of honey halting in my mouth as I thought about her footsteps in the first places of my childhood: her silhouette among the silver polish of the plates and plastic-topped tables of my father's small restaurant. It was oddly soothing – the notion of Sol standing where I had once stood; as if our bodies were only separated by a single breath of time.
"Let's go, Sunjae-ah," Sol said quietly; tugging at my hand – and I let her lead me forward. "It's almost evening, we should hurry."
It didn't matter where she went; where she took me – I knew that I would always follow.
.
.
.
The restaurant was the same faded red-and-gold; the door incongruously ajar: like the torn-off edge of a mottled moth wing.
Sol's face was uneasy as she wheeled herself forward; a small smile of thanks flitting across her face as I placed an invisible hand against the back of her chair; gently propelling her forward. To passersby it would seem as though Sol was moving ahead by herself: only she and I knew how I was anchoring myself by her touch – the steady steel of her wheelchair under my palm.
Then I saw him, almost instantly; the familiar off-kilter curve of his back – bent over one of the tables at the back of the restaurant.
'Appa.'
The scorched residue of my sadness rose up in my throat: a thousand bitter memories brimming close to the surface. I had been embarrassed of my father, once – been discomfited by his ordinariness; the scent of fried chicken that never quite disappeared from his skin no matter how many times he washed himself clean. I had not always appreciated the work of his hands; weather-beaten and wrinkled well before he ever reached the right age for it to be appropriate: how he had laid out my dinner for me every night since the time I was seven; no matter how late the hour became when he closed the restaurant.
It had not registered; when I was still a teenager – what a gift that silent, commonplace care had been: how I would miss it during the monotony of my trainee days; the lavish parties that came alongside my fame: all lacking the warmth of my father's careful cooking.
I could say none of it to him now – how I would have given anything to sit at his rickety old table again; a child once more, secure in the sizzle and heat of his simple meals – the smell of radish kimchi and roasted pork reassuring my nose that I was safe – that I was loved.
I could never tell him anything ever again.
'Appa,' are you okay?
Are you eating well?
Do you miss me as much as I miss you?
Sol approached my father carefully; her small face creased with concern.
"Ryu Geun-deok-sshi," she said formally: but her tone was sweet. "My name is Im Sol; I'm…a fan of your son's. I'm so sorry… I just wanted to see how you were doing."
I blinked in surprise as Sol proffered a tiny bouquet of blue flowers to my father – I had watched her stop at a florist; but hadn't paid much attention to what she was picking up. I hadn't expected them to be for my father…much less to be in memory of me.
They were forget-me-nots: frost-edged and so passionately blue that my eyes pulsed with the potency of their color.
That Sol had known…that she had remembered all this while…
A lump fastened itself to the raw fabric of my throat as I saw my father smile sadly; the calloused tips of his fingers curling around the petals.
"These were Sunjae's favorite," he said in a hoarse whisper; and pain – clean and cut-glass sharp as a blade: tore through me. I recognized the catch in his voice – he had been crying, I could tell. And burying himself in work; as he was wont to do. "You're very kind to bring them to me, Im Sol-sshi. I don't know how to hold onto Sunjae now that he's gone – I surround myself with his songs so I can keep hearing his voice; I cook his favorite things so I can remember what it was like to have a son. But nothing can bring him back to me. Nothing can make him real again."
I'm right here, 'Appa,' I felt the freezer-burn of my unformed tears; faint pressure at the pinpoints of my eyelids as I tried to stretch a trembling hand out to my father: only to have it pass through the threadbare cotton of his shirt like my touch was less than air. I'm right next to you.
Sol's eyes were silted with salt; tiny pricks of starlight settling me deeper into my own skin as she reached for my father's hand.
"Your son touched so many lives with a setlist and a simple mic," she said softly; her eyes bleeding warmth back into my bones. "A piece of him is in every person he managed to reach with his music; his words. There are parts of him everywhere; in the places he grew up; the streets he played in – and I hope you never stop looking for him, Geun-deok-sshi. Because I know I won't."
"You never know," she murmured; the compassion in her fingers as she caught my sleeve with her free hand, even as she grasped my father's – causing my chest to tighten with the faded memory of breathlessness: the flash of veins once freely flowing with the figured letters of her name. That comfort – that which only Sol's skin suffusing life into the lasting silence of my long-departed self could offer me: almost hurt me with its tenderness – crooking quiet corners of softness into the sequestered dark of my stifled heartbreak. "He might be looking for you too."
My father's eyes gentled; a little of the ash of his grief – the weariness; gray as his cropped hair: falling away.
"Thank you for remembering my son, Im Sol-sshi," he said; his voice carrying a tired sort of affection – a tincture on my restless ears. "I know that he never forgot about you – not once."
Sol's eyes widened with shock; her mouth parting open at my father's words.
Had my heart not already stopped forever: it would have stopped right then; at that moment.
I wasn't ready for Sol to know the truth – the tattered pieces of my longing were mine and mine alone. They belonged to me, even if she never had – and now never could. How could I have her know that though I was the ghost now; it was her memory that had haunted me for fifteen years?
How could I bear the look in her eyes when she realized she could have been saved – but I hadn't been able to do it?
"W-What do you mean?" Sol whispered.
Notes:
sol may be minutes away from finding out the truth... or some of it, at least. ;)
i think it's fairly obvious that since she was the ryu family's neighbor and rescued by sunjae after her accident - sunjae's father would know all about it and remember her.
how are we feeling - apprehensive? excited?
drop a comment and let me know. :)
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 5: you hold everything b(l)ack - you hold this body's lack
Summary:
sol finds out the truth ... somewhat. ;)
sunjae's PoV again!
Notes:
chapter title taken from claudia rankine's poem: "after david hammons."
sol and sunjae are just too precious to me - i love writing about them so much.
this is actually the first time i've written a fanfic without adding any original characters of my own - soljae are just so perfect in their love for each other that i can't bring myself to replace either of them with another person.
i can reimagine their story - but i can't imagine either of them with anybody else. 333
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
But everyone had this patina
of slightly bruised longing, this shimmer of
'I think I knew you when we were children,'
this look of 'I've loved you ever since you were born'
and probably longer than that.
~ Paul Hostovsky, from 'Everyone was Beautiful'
you hold everything b(l)ack – you hold this body's lack
The air was shot through by the shocked sheen of Sol's eyes; flickering like the burnt-brown ends of slowly-melting candles – roving between my father's face and my own.
"What do you – what do you mean?" She asked again; but an influx of late-night customers: clearly drunk and eager for a hot meal – captured my father's attention. He moved away; signaling Sol to wait – but I took her hand: the fragile tips of her fingers like smoke around my sightless skin.
"Let's go, Sol-ah," I said pleadingly. "Please. I – "
I can't have you know the truth.
Not yet.
Not when I've only just gotten to know you – gotten to spend time with you.
What would happen if I told her?
Would she draw away from me – recognize my guilt for what it was: a failure to save her? A failure to help her when she had needed someone – needed me the most. Would Sol banish me from her sight? Never want to see my face again?
Just the thought of it – the thought of having to go away; to disappear into my own death with not a soul to seek me out: froze my heart into something more sternly cold than my very stillness. The spires of my own loneliness; tall and entirely without mercy – towered over me: looming larger with every passing second.
I couldn't tell her.
I couldn't –
"Sunjae-ah," Sol's hand wrapped around mine; squeezing gently with the quiet comfort only she could offer me. Confusion gave way to concern within the soft-sand brown of her gaze: her palm pressing against my own: the memory of warmth flooding through me with the proximity of her flesh. "We can go, Sunjae. It's okay – please don't look so distressed."
Gratitude; resolute and rain-colored: rushed its way upwards from the ravine of my lungs. Were they still capable of breath; I would have named each one after her.
Even now; Sol was looking out for me – easing my pain with just the tender tint of her eyes. When she looked at me; it was as though my heart had grown leaves: green gatherers of hope carrying the rich water of her presence.
Sol-ah…
I don't deserve you…
The bus ride back to her apartment was silent: corded by a strange current of tension – like a live wire tied between her arm and mine; crackling with unspoken contact and unasked questions.
Wordlessly, I helped push Sol's wheelchair forward into her bedroom: the sight of her stacked pillows and powder-blue duvet already so familiar to me – like the first touch of my childhood blanket against my cheek.
Even the things that belonged to her brought me peace.
"Sunjae-ah," Sol said gently; her fingers furling carefully around the corners of my sleeve. "Please talk to me. What did your 'appa' mean – that you never forgot about me? Have we…met before?"
Looking at her face; stamped with the slight edges of worry and apprehension: silver borders of butterfly-light expectancy – I realized that I couldn't cast aside the almost-white wings of her words: flaring out towards me with so much faith.
So much trust.
She deserved to know the truth: even if I wasn't ready to tell it. Even if it seemed as though I would never be ready.
How could I deny her that? How could I deny her anything?
"Sol-ah," I said reluctantly – the words raw as new roots rising up from the column of my throat. "How – How much do you remember about your…accident?"
"I…" Sol's features paled; her cheeks leeching with lack of color – her fingers falling away from my coat: and I barely suppressed my flinch as she drew away – retreated from me entirely. "I don't…I don't remember anything. And no one ever said a word about it…how do you know? How is it possible that you know about my accident, Sunjae-ah?"
Sol-ah.
I'm sorry to have to tell you this.
I'm so sorry.
"I was the one who found you," I exhaled; the shaky remnants of my not-quite breathing lodging themselves like jagged rocks inside my chest. "Sol-ah…I took you to the hospital; but I was too late. I didn't get to you in time – I couldn't stop the car from hitting you – from paralyzing your legs. And I'm sorry – I'm so sorry I couldn't save you. I'm so sorry that it took me so long to tell you this."
I'm so sorry that I had to die before I could find the courage to ask for your forgiveness, Sol-ah.
I waited, then: waited for the open flame of Sol's eyes to gutter out forever – to lose the light they carried every single time she looked at me. I waited to lose it all: her affection; lace-smooth and as intricately-lined as my own longing. I waited for her condemnation – for the cataracts of doubt and distrust to cloud her vision as she continued to stare at me in disbelief.
I waited for her to tell me to leave – but the words never came.
A choked gasp; cherry-red as my own regret – fell from Sol's parted lips as she launched herself out of her wheelchair – straight into my arms. I felt the shimmering shock of it; all of it – all her touch – course through me: my body remembering with redoubled force the flowering vulnerability of what it meant to fall for someone.
To fall for Sol.
I held her to me; my hands lifting her waist to wakefulness despite the immovable weight of her legs; gently resting against my own – the rounded miracle of her knees pressed to mine. I relished the subtle pulse of her heartbeat; blossoming against my chest like the most beautiful sound in the world. Somehow; Sol was still here – still within my reach. She hadn't let me go. She hadn't pushed me away.
"It was you," Sol whispered; her gaze glittering with unshed tears: golden-toned grief; equal parts gratitude and gravity – gathering in her voice. "You were the one who helped me, Sunjae-ah. Do you know how long I've been trying to find you? My family wouldn't tell me anything – but for fifteen years I've been trying to tell you that I was so fortunate to have you rescue me."
"I didn't mean it," she murmured; her palms passing over my face like a benediction – a blessing on my inwardly-bruised body. "The things I said when I was in that hospital room – that I didn't want to be saved; that you shouldn't have saved me – I didn't mean a word; and I'm sorry that I ever said them, Sunjae-ah. These years that I've been lucky enough to live through – they're only possible because of you."
It was though I had been shorn clean of all my shame with each sentence of hers that settled over me – the weighted vestments of my guilt; vicious against my skin for over a decade: finally falling at my feet; frayed and silent at last. I had been in the dark for so long; that it almost hurt to look at the daylight quality of Sol's tears; dampening her face into dusted translucency as she tremulously smiled at me.
"There's nothing to forgive," I said quietly; my fingers slowly fastening in the black satin-sigh of her hair. "You were right to blame me, Sol-ah. If I'd managed to reach you in time, then – then maybe…"
Maybe you'd still be able to walk on your own two feet right now.
"No," Sol said firmly; her thumb pressing against the corner of my mouth – right where my dimple hid itself away. "You can't think like that, Sunjae-ah. I'm alive because of you. Only you."
"You saved me," Sol cupped my face in both of her hands; my body blooming into heat at the way her mouth brushed against the side of my face; the imprint of her lips against my cheek blazing deeper than bone. "In every way that I could be saved – you saved me, Sunjae-ah. And I'm going to do the same for you – I'm going to bring you back to life."
Pure affection – bitter as it was; hanging onto the bare branches of my barren expectations: nearly brought me to my knees as I stared at Sol's sincere, open face. I'd only managed to tell her part of the truth – and still; even still – her hand stretched out to me: extending the same softness that had spelled me to her side all those years ago.
"That's impossible," my voice was a rough burr – bracken disembodying the distant tendrils of hope that dwelt within me still. "Don't try for that, Sol-ah – it's not something anyone can do. I'm okay here with you – I really am."
I'm okay being dead as long as I still get to watch the dawn arrive with you right next to me.
"You being a ghost was also impossible," Sol's voice was sewing threads of succor through me – stalling the ever-approaching destitution of my own death as her fingers flickered; pale pencils of flame moving across my face: warding against the inexorable blackness.
"I wished for you to come back to me – and somehow you did; Sunjae-ah. Now I'm going to wish for this too. I'll find a way, Sunjae – I'll save you like you saved me, even if it's the very last thing that I do. I'll do it - I promise you."
Notes:
drop a comment and make my day. :)
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 6: your death must be loved this much (to now be so close to my lips)
Summary:
a little fluff to offset the darkness.
sol's PoV for most of the chapter; sunjae's at the very end.
Notes:
both the chapter title (the first part of it, at least) and the quotation are by the late, great jason shinder - a poet who wrote these lines shortly after being diagnosed with a re-occurrence of cancer.
to be so aware of your own death and still recognize beauty is an enormous act of courage; and one that i truly thought reflected the message of this chapter.
the stanzas of poetry featured in this chapter are from the incredible e.e cummings': "somewhere i have never traveled, gladly beyond."
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
You have to know the grief—now.
Standing by the water's edge,
looking down at the wave
touching you. You have to lie,
stiff, arms folded, on a heap of earth
and see how far the darkness
will take you. I mean it, this, now —
before the ghost the cold leaves
in your breath, rises;
before the toes are put together
inside the shoes. There it is—the goddamn
orange-going-into-rose descending
circle of beauty and time.
You have nothing to be sad about.
~ Jason Shinder, from 'At Sunset'
your death must be loved this much (to now be so close to my lips)
"Sol-ah," the injured softness of Sunjae's voice stole quietly into my ears – bruised butter and lime lingering against my skin as I peered up at him tiredly from the screen of my laptop. "Don't strain your eyes, that's enough for now."
"I can manage," I said firmly; polishing my spectacles with my sleeve as my fingers, pale and matchstick-thin with lack of exposure to light – fluttered over the keypad. "I need to do this, Sunjae-ah."
I need to do this for you.
So far, my research had yielded nothing of note. I had trawled through page after page: eye-witness accounts of ghost sightings; dubious sites declaiming that they possessed the arcane knowledge of reanimation and revival – but not once had I come across even a shred of proof that a person – or a ghost, for that matter – could be brought back to life.
All sources seemed to be unanimous: death was absolute – but I wasn't about to give up.
If Sunjae could come back to me like this – with the burnt-out borders of his body hovering protectively over mine: the silk-edged silence of his hair stunning me with its insubstantial darkness – then he could come back to me alive as well.
He could come back to me real.
And I would never stop looking for a way to save him.
To restore to him all that he'd lost: his family; his fame, his friends – a whole world that had once rested at his fingertips – the birthright of the brightest boy I'd ever seen.
I wouldn't rest until I could rescue him from his death – the way he'd once rescued me; both before and after my accident.
"Sol-ah," Sunjae tried again gently; his hand haunting the curve of my cheek – and I shivered at the phantom nearness of his skin. "Sol-ah, it's almost midnight. You can do this tomorrow, sweetheart."
A slight flush rose against my ribcage; my heartbeat halting in its usual rhythm at the endearment that slipped so naturally from his lips.
Sweetheart.
No one had ever called me that before.
"Just a few more minutes," I replied – more breathlessly than I'd have liked to admit. I wrinkled my nose as I came across a particularly lurid webpage; its blood-streaked script boastfully announcing the grisly requirements for the dark magic of resurrection. "Oh, ugh. This site wants me to collect rat tails for a spell? No way that's happening!"
Sunjae let out a soft chuckle; the timbre of his voice a deep burr that touched my limbs with warmth. He looked at me amusedly; his eyes velvet-black and blossoming with butterfly-burgeoning fondness.
Color; crisp as a red apple – swelled in my cheeks at the subtle intensity of Sunjae's gaze.
"What," I muttered; slightly discomfited by his scrutiny – the teasing twitch of his full lips as he leaned over my shoulder to look at the laptop screen; his cheek pressing with flickering heat against my own. "You're staring, Sunjae-ah…"
"I can't help it," Sunjae murmured; almost mischievously – gently tugging at my hair. "You look so cute in your ponytail and glasses – like a little librarian, Sol-ah."
Deep pink dusted itself over my cheekbones; my breath hitching against the delicate barrier of my throat at the brittle, barely-there coolness of Sunjae's mouth; brushing imperceptibly against the side of my face.
I couldn't help but be drawn; like a moth to the miner's-gold glow of lamplight – to the plush outline of his plump lips; the silted swoop of his eyelids – the sad-sifted loveliness of his face.
Sunjae was so beautiful – I'd always known it; always admired the sewn-together symmetry of his skin: but never had I been as aware of it as I was now, with his face flashing forward – mere inches away from mine: moving closer with each passing second.
"Yah," I stammered hastily; pulling back as my cheeks pulsed with plum-soft color. "D-Don't get cheeky, Sunjae-ah! Behave!"
He laughed; the sound lemon-light but still weighed down by the loss ever-present in the liquid lining of his voice. It had been a tone tethered to him for as long as I had known him – had been his fan: a secret sorrow that seeped out from all his songs and self-effacing interviews. It had followed him; loyal as a dog on its last legs – throughout the entirety of his life. Now it was a part of his death too.
I ached to hear it – but I didn't know how to take it away. How to make it better.
"All right, all right, I'll behave," he said placatingly; his palm pressing against my cheek for a brief second before he pulled away from me; and disappointment – dark-blue and bright; dissolved in my mouth like a bitter lozenge at the loss of contact from him.
His eyes sobered slightly – swirls of syrup-slick honey softening as they rested on my face. "But, Sol-ah – thank you so much for doing this. For wanting to try to save me. It means – it means the world to me, you know."
"I'm not just going to try," I said resolutely; resisting the urge to stroke my hand across the smooth skin of his cheek. "I'm going to succeed. I'm going to get you your life back, Sunjae-ah. I mean it."
No matter what it takes.
No matter what I have to do.
"My little savior," Sunjae whispered quietly; the deep purple wistfulness of his smile – like wisteria vines vanishing one-by-one from the streets of Seoul – causing a lump to lodge itself firmly in my throat. "My only light."
"Sunjae-ah," I said tremulously. Please don't look at me like that – like I'm the last thing you hope to see.
It was almost as though he expected to disappear – that even his death was living on borrowed time; preparing for the needle-stabbing nothingness to swallow him whole.
To take him away from me.
And I couldn't bear it. I couldn't let him go.
Not now. Not ever.
"Sunjae-ah," I said quickly; desperate to distract him from the troubled waters of his remaining time – how much or how little of it was left; licking inexorably at his ankles. "Tell – Tell me something. Where's your favorite place to go when you're feeling sad?"
He blinked at me curiously; surprised at the sudden change in topic. Still, I was grateful that he decided to indulge me; his face turning silent and contemplative as he considered my question.
"Well," he responded slowly; his lips lifting up with the gentleness of his memory. "It's this little beach in Busan. Barely anybody knows about it – there's never a crowd. It's just sea and sand and salt air – the sweetest place in the whole world."
"Let's go there," I said immediately – wanting the soft lines of his features to remain lit with the sanctity of his remembered solace. "Let's go right now, Sunjae-ah."
Sunjae's mouth parted a little in shock.
"Right now?" He echoed dazedly; his eyes dew-soft and dark with confusion. "But… it's the middle of the night, Sol-ah. You're tired, you need rest…you…"
"I need you to be okay," I countered gently, unable to keep my fingers from flickering across the faded brightness of his half-anxious face. "I need you to know that even though you're dead, you're still here. You still deserve to feel alive, Sunjae-ah."
"We're going," I said again; the conviction in my voice brooking no argument as I took his hand within my own. "Come on, Sunjae."
Let me show you life is still beautiful.
That your death can be, too.
.
.
.
The bus-ride was long but peaceful; the linseed-scented largesse of the night looming under my eyelids as the bus trundled steadily towards Busan.
No one could see Sunjae; sitting quietly at my side on the roughly-upholstered maroon of the old bus-seat – but no one stopped to take his place either: as if they somehow sensed that the spot was otherwise taken.
They simply skirted around it; their eyes sliding away from me – unseeing against the latch of Sunjae's wrist lingering against my own.
We reached Busan with the first faint whispers of dawn: its rosy fingers reddening the horizon as Sunjae gently wheeled me down the open road. There was no one around for miles; the coastline's coarse scent of salt strong in my nose as he led me to the secluded beach of his boyhood days.
"Oh," I murmured; soothed by the blue-green border of the sea sweeping the sand with its meridian muscles – the spokes of my wheelchair gathering the soft grains of the grounded shoreline. Everywhere was iridescent indigo; the water weaving its song of white-capped hope and wine-dark want within me. I watched with an unfamiliar sort of hunger as Sunjae's face immediately softened; fine crystals of condensation collecting on his almost-invisible cheek as he stood next to me; sinking deep into the spell of the sea-stung air. "It's so beautiful, Sunjae-ah."
"Thank you for bringing me here, Sol-ah," Sunjae pressed a gentle kiss to the crown of my forehead; his lips curving against my curls – and I trembled slightly at his transient touch. "It's almost like I can breathe again."
Anything for you, Sunjae.
Anything to show you that you're still loved.
That you're still needed.
"Anytime," I smiled; almost nuzzling into the side of his face; settled against my own. I looked a little ruefully at the edge of the water; trying – even after countless years of inertia; to make my legs move – to walk forwards into the water. No matter how long it had been since my accident – I had never stopped trying. Not even once.
Sunjae looked at me with concern; noting the change in my expression – and I patted his cheek comfortingly. "It's nothing," I reassured him. "It's just…I'd give anything to put my feet in the water. Feel… just feel it flow across my skin."
But I couldn't.
Knowing that didn't make it any easier though.
It never was.
Sunjae stared at me for an endless minute; mapping the slight downward turn of my lips with a hooded expression.
"Seeing you sad is worse than dying," he suddenly said fiercely; his eyes flickering with a strange sort of intensity as he glanced around; checking to see if there were any other people around us – but there was no one. We were entirely alone on the beach. "I'd let myself disappear in a heartbeat if that's what it took to make you walk again, Sol-ah. But in the meantime, I can at least do this…"
"Don't say that," I immediately protested; unable to bear even the thought of him fading away – no longer the constant presence I carried even through my dreams. But Sunjae didn't respond; and I gasped as he lifted me up effortlessly from my wheelchair; his arms bands of stalwart support as he bore me to the lip of the listening water – setting me down as carefully as though I were cut from diamond. "Sunjae-ah; what are you – "
I broke off with a shudder as his hand; shimmering in the shorn edges of pale sunlight passing over the smooth waves of the sea – looped around my leg; dangling it in the water – his fingers lining my ankles with its layered salt.
I realized with a choked exhalation that I still couldn't feel the liquid answer of the ocean against my legs – but I could somehow still sense the electric question of his touch; with a deepness that went beyond the simple awareness of skin that had been sacrificed from me so long ago. I could feel him in my bones – in the heft of my own heartbeat; racing as he held me in the water; the sea streaming in solidarity over both of our bodies: one living, one dead – but determinedly together.
"Sunjae," I stuttered; tears pricking at the pale-blue creases of my eyelids as I realized that it didn't matter that I couldn't feel the water trickling over my toes – I could feel him: this idol who was no longer just an idol for me – this ghost who had grown as close to me as the clipped sound of my own buried laughter – and it was enough. It was more than enough. "You…"
You saved me.
You saved me again.
It seemed that he always would.
~ / ~
I listened to the wild-rush whistle of my own longing as I watched Sol smile in the water; the soft cream of her calves flashing under the early morning sun as she wended her hand through the whispering tufts of blue texture; trailing gently over her fingers.
This had always been my favorite place in the world – but now it would mean nothing; if it didn't include the sight of her face; apple-cheeked and appeased by the balm of the almost-abandoned beach.
It was only us – only the lines re-taking shape in my head; the poet's words prismatic and full of promise as I witnessed the warmth of Sol's sorrel-brown eyes; crinkled at the corners as she beamed up at me – the dimple dotting her cheek almost as if in answer to the one denting my own face.
"your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself – "
/
"or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully…"
I drank in the sight of her – a dead man at the guarded gates of my own afterlife: knowing the lilt of her laughter to be my only heaven. My only saving grace.
Sol-ah…
I think I love you.
I think I always have.
Notes:
i'll be honest - i was struggling with motivation throughout the day to begin this chapter.
sometimes the words are heavy: stones i carry in the silence of my throat. but i still managed to bring them to the surface - and i sincerely hope they speak to you.
(sidenote - i wholeheartedly believe sunjae would love poetry: he's a music composer and writer; and everyone knows poetry was first set into motion by song. he's an inveterate romantic; so i think he would LOVE how lush and lavish e.e cummings' work is. i will not be taking any counter-arguments about this - let me have my headcanon, okay?! )
i'll most probably update on the 8th now.
drop a comment and please let me know how you felt about this chapter - it's the longest yet! :)
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 7: considering the possible music of your hair
Summary:
the plot is plotting; hehe. xD
sol's PoV throughout!
Notes:
chapter title is taken from the lovely lucie brock-braido's poem of the same name; which i have referenced in earlier updates.
i have to mention that i adore ordinary little acts of intimacy; i think they are sacrosanct - and so it gave me great comfort to write this chapter. :)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The longer I live, the more deeply I learn that love — whether we call it friendship or family or romance — is the work of mirroring and magnifying each other's light. Gentle work. Steadfast work. Life-saving work in those moments when life and shame and sorrow occlude our own light from our view, but there is still a clear-eyed loving person to beam it back. In our best moments, we are that person for one another.
~ Maria Popova, referencing James Baldwin, from 'The Marginalian'
considering the possible music of your hair
"Sunjae-ah," I said smilingly; fondness resting its gentle fronds against the side of my face. "You don't have to watch me work, you know."
Sunjae's lips curved upwards; his fingers catching against the errant curls of hair collecting over my forehead.
"I like watching you work," he responded softly; the pads of his thumbs possessing an inimitable, almost-peculiar pulse as they pressed lightly against my seeking skin. "You seem to really enjoy video editing and formatting; Sol-ah."
I nodded happily.
"I do love it," I beamed up at him; the black-satin brocade of his lowered lashes causing an unfamiliar burn to rise up the thin borders of my throat. "I've always liked tinkering with videos; ever since I was a child. It's my dream to – "
I trailed off into wordlessness – the tips of my fingers trembling slightly with newfound shyness. Why should I have assumed that he wanted to hear this – the small-pawed silhouette of my innermost aspirations: doubled up inside the cavern of my chest like a frightened dormouse. Why should I have assumed that it would matter to him?
As if he'd read my thoughts for what they were; the vulnerability like a vice around the staccato rhythm of my stuttering heart – Sunjae brushed a slim finger down my cheek; the silted darkness of his eyes searching my own with a simmering, steadfast seriousness.
"Tell me," he murmured, his hand halting in its path – passing carefully over the poppy-red contours of my cheekbones. "I want to know everything about you, Sol-ah."
"My dream is to be a film director," I whispered – want like the flared white wing of an injured swan feathering softly against the bitten salt of my lips. "I want it more than anything, Sunjae-ah. But…but most production firms don't like hiring anyone who uses a wheelchair – anyone who can't travel or scout around easily. I always – always get rejected."
It never stopped aching – the bruised intensity of my own burrowed hurt. My buried disappointment – bone-deep and brittle as bracken. It was with me always; the leaf-blown longing of a dream helplessly withering away at its deepest roots.
Sunjae's face sobered; his hand carefully wrapping around mine; the largeness of it lined firmly against my own.
"I hate that I can't give you everything you need," he confessed; the deep-brown clasp of his eyes closing me inside their compassionate warmth. "If it were up to me…if I were still alive; I'd have found you the best movie productions to work with, Sol-ah. I'm so sorry that I can't do more for you."
I shook my head; a rueful smile running its way across my mouth.
"You coming back to me is more than enough," I said quietly; the urge to stroke his cheek with the side of my finger so wholly natural that I gave in to it without blinking. "I need nothing from you except for you to stay close to me, Sunjae-ah. My dream is for me to achieve on my own terms – I won't give up on it ever. It's mine to work towards; not anybody else's."
Sunjae nodded; a fierce sort of pride flickering within his gaze.
"My brave Sol," he slipped a slender finger under my chin; my cheeks warming at the fixed manner in which he mapped my features from head-to-toe. "My little ray of sunlight."
Color caressed the curves of my face; my eyes flitting back and forth: desperate to distract themselves from the desire blooming behind the burnt walls of my ribcage at his light-as-gossamer touch. My gaze finally landed on the mirror; and I paused, momentarily diverted – patting the over-long ends of my hair absentmindedly.
Sunjae noticed the direction of my gaze; raising an inquisitive eyebrow: like a dark sweep of soot – at me. "Something wrong, Sol-ah?"
"No, no, nothing," I reassured him quickly, even as my mouth threatened to thin into a tense line. "My hair's just grown out too much, I think. I'll have to get it cut soon."
I hesitated; the humiliation like a pillar of heat pounding against my heartbeat as I considered telling him why that simple fact had made my face fall so suddenly.
Sunjae's eyes were gentle; the rich currant-brown of their attention coaxing me into completing the remainder of what I wanted to say. What I needed to say.
"It's just," I exhaled – the wisps of air like whips in my lungs: cutting with the force of my unfixable condition. "There aren't too many salons that are wheelchair-accessible…the one I usually go to just closed down last month. And all the others that are nearby have staircases…which I can't climb on my own. And I'm so tired of having to think this much over a small thing like cutting my hair…I just wish…"
My eyes stung; and I turned my face away – the bitterness swilling like swabs of alcohol against the subdued stammer of my tongue. Sunjae's face crumpled; almost in concordance with the clear film of tears obscuring my vision – his hands reaching out for me instantly.
"I just wish I wasn't so tired all the time," I said tremulously; my head hooking over the slightly-present slope of Sunjae's shoulder as he pulled me into his arms; his palms pressing against the small of my back. I wish I didn't always have this weight to carry.
"I'm sorry for being this upset over something so silly, Sunjae-ah," I said shamefacedly; my face faltering with barely-suppressed sorrow at my own powerlessness. "I hate being this weak…"
"Listen to me," Sunjae said firmly; his hands delicately framing my face: his little finger an inch from my lower lip. "It's not silly, Sol-ah. Nothing about your life or what you have to go through is silly. And you are the farthest thing from weak, Sol-ah: you have every right to feel the way that you do. I know how strong you are; but I wish you didn't have to be. I wish you didn't have to be anything but yourself."
"I wish that I could take all your pain away," Sunjae's voice was a mere susurration against the side of my ear: a smooth wave that instantly soothed the turmoil in my head. "And it kills me that I can't, Sol-ah. But…but I can at least cut your hair for you, if that helps even a little."
I blinked up at him in surprise; my eyes widening. He…wanted to cut my hair?
"Don't worry," Sunjae laughed gently: the sound a line of scarlet placed against the high planes of my cheeks. "I had a niece I used to babysit in high-school – Dawon-ie. Sometimes she used to ask me to cut her hair; and I had to learn how to do it pretty fast – otherwise she would sulk around me for days."
My mood lifted slightly; my lips twitching as I thought of a teenage Sunjae; frantically figuring out how to cut a little girl's hair. I smiled at the notion – hopelessly endeared at Sunjae's almost-embarrassed expression as he recounted the old memory.
"I really am the luckiest fan in the world," I said half-teasingly. " THE Ryu Sunjae is going to cut my hair for me!"
Sunjae grinned; his eyes crinkling at the corners with sweet-tipped softness as he swatted at my arm playfully.
" THE Ryu Sunjae won't mess it up, I promise," he copied my tone impishly; quickly fetching a fluffy pink towel to wrap around my shoulders, his thumbs slipping confidently around the cool steel of my small-handled scissors.
"Hold still, Sol-ah," he murmured; and I barely held back the answering shiver of my body as he leaned closer; his lips brushing just inches away from the shell of my ear as he shifted my hair to one side. "I'm starting now."
My cheeks were stained sinopia-red as the tapered tops of Sunjae's fingers touched my neck; the silver arc of the scissors in his hand flashing against the edges of my eyelids: the ends of my hair falling like coils of coal against the cream-colored tiles of my bedroom floor. I nearly trembled at the tactful intimacy of Sunjae's actions: his movements almost reverent in their careful ministrations as he finished trimming my hair.
My mouth parted in pleasure as I saw my reflection in the mirror: at how my hair was now gracefully feathered at the ends – thick and dark as threads of ink.
"Thank you," I said earnestly; my fingers flaring out in gratitude against Sunjae's wrist as he silently set the scissors down. "It looks lovely, Sunjae-ah."
"I'm glad," he whispered – a peculiar; powder-soft heat humming between us as he cupped my jaw gently: his face mere minutes away from my own. "I only ever want to see you smile, Sol-ah."
I felt my body respond to the red-rush of Sunjae's nearness: to the delicately-shaped shimmer of his sharp features flickering so close to my own. I didn't know what would have happened if my doorbell didn't ring right then: the loud voices of my 'eomma' and 'halmeoni' trickling past the teakwood barrier of my door.
Sunjae smiled at me a little resignedly: affection clear as a cloudless day on his face as my family burst imperiously into my living room; carrying stacked dishes of food for me to store. He remained quiet as my 'eomma' and grandmother bustled around me; busying themselves with the business of stocking my fridge.
I smiled a little sadly as I noted the hazy un-focus of my 'halmeoni's' gaze; her hands shaking over the plastic tins precariously clutched in her grip. It had been years since she'd succumbed to the stultifying effects of her Alzheimer's – but it had never gotten any easier to witness.
I was cheered slightly at the sight of Sunjae following after my mother as she went into the kitchen; his eagerness almost puppy-like as he watched her prepare the side-dishes to be stored in my refrigerator. Out of all my family members; he liked my 'eomma' the most – and it was a secret salve to my inescapable sadness to see his face light up whenever she visited my apartment.
He was so adorable; it made my heart hurt.
I jumped in alarm as my 'halmeoni' suddenly grabbed my arm as we waited in the living room; her fingers digging into the skin of my wrist.
"Ow, 'halmeoni' – what is it?" I yelped in complaint; trying to wriggle out of her grip.
Her eyes sharpened; even webbed as they were with whorls of aged grey. "Shh, keep your voice down," she whispered urgently; bringing something out from under the shorn-white expanse of her shawl.
"He'll be back any second and he must not know, so I need to give you this now," she said; a strange inflection in her voice: and I glanced at her in bewilderment and a creeping sense of unease at the sudden clarity of her tone. She couldn't mean – she couldn't possibly have seen… "You need this, Sol. He needs this."
My eyes widened as my grandmother pressed a battered old book into my hands: the same dusted-gold as the dull edge of an old coin; oddly heavy within my hold.
"What is this, 'halmeoni?'" I asked through uncomprehending lips; but my grandmother's eyes had faded again – her expression vacant as an abandoned parking lot as she skipped past me towards the kitchen where my 'eomma' was waiting.
I ran a careful hand over the cracked-bronze borders of the book; the title almost incomprehensible to me in its lettering of archaic Korean. Finally, however – I was able to make it out at last; and my fingers froze into numbness as I eventually discerned with difficulty exactly what it said.
"Spells To Save Your Love," I read aloud in a shaking voice; my face paling as I fully registered what I now grasped in my hands.
Notes:
lovely runner is as perfect as it is possible for a show to get - but i definitely do remember wishing that more time was spent on sol's life as a person with a condition that required a wheelchair. it was an indelible part of her life in the original timeline - years worth of it. i don't have anything nearly as severe or as difficult to deal with as sol; and real people with partial paralysis, do - but i have had to use a wheelchair for a certain amount of time in my past; and also have a condition that can't be cured. so i found myself reflecting on how simple acts that seem entirely effortless to people who live without bodily issues can require so much work and thought for individuals who do go through them. how something as simple as a hair-cut can seem like a monumental task. a lot of the time; a disease or a condition marks you as fundamentally "different" - or "other" than the people around you who are healthy. it's like an invisible barrier between you and the world - and my hope is that by putting experiences such as sol's into writing; as a metaphor for actual people who deal with these challenges - i can help to bridge that gap, even if only a little.
we all deserve a little more empathy and understanding in our lives. we all deserve a sunjae. 33
drop a comment and make my day!
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 8: amen, omen - (will i see your face again?)
Summary:
in which the spell-book may or may not offer a solution.
sol's PoV throughout! :)
Notes:
chapter title is taken from ben harper's song of the same name. the quoted text is also from a song - though rod mckuen is a songwriter and poet both.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
But if you go
I'll understand –
Leave me just enough love to hold in my hand.
~ Rod McKuen, from 'If You Go Away'
amen, omen – (will i see your face again?)
I pored over the pebbled interior of the spell book; my eyes smarting with the force of my fixed stare.
It had been hard enough keeping it from Sunjae all this while: the roots of my ribcage curling inwards with guilt and regret at the reminder of how much I was hiding from him – but my resolve was rendered unchanged.
I knew he would try to stop me – I knew he would instantly think that since it was a spell book; it would not come without a sacrifice: but that didn't matter to me. I was willing to pay whatever price was needed to finally watch the full weight of Sunjae's smile return to him – to see the sinew of his arms strengthen into solidity once more.
I was willing to do whatever it took to be able to touch him for real – for my fingers to land against skin that sought more than its own invisibility: its own silent stretch towards oblivion. Sunjae was fading faster day by day: the edges of his self growing silvery and more insubstantial with each passing second.
It terrified me: the long talons of the beast that battered my heart lancing my cheek in two; at the thought of him truly disappearing – being taken somewhere that I couldn't follow. That I couldn't hold his hand and lead him towards.
Sunjae was the ghost at my side – but it was the spectre of sadness that his approaching absence posed that haunted me with the heat of a thousand burning suns; the cremation of the hope that had once inhabited the dark horizon of his eyes crumbling into harsh debris in my mouth. I had to save him – had to store the sweetness of his silted skin somewhere other than the small confines of an apartment that he couldn't escape. That he couldn't walk away from.
I had to bring him back to life.
How long could he linger on like this: this boy burnt into the after-image of smoke; this boy sitting with the memory of red – sifting through the ashes of his own charred remains.
I didn't know how much of his own death Sunjae could outlast – and I didn't want to find out.
I had to save him.
Even if it had to be this way – sequestered within the simmering dark reaches of the night while he thought I was sleeping; paging through the powder-dense contents of a book older than the entirety of my family's history put together.
I curled under the blanketing expanse of my bedcovers; the flashlight a semi-circle of soft light against my pillows as I desperately flipped through the slim text – searching for the slightest sign that Sunjae's situation was salvageable. That I could redeem the roughened aftermath of his retreating life.
So far; I had found many spells: enchantments to ward off disease; misfortune; bad luck – but none had offered any information on how to bring someone back to life. It was almost four in the morning by the time I reached the end of the book; my fingers trembling with the tearing realization that it held no answers for me – no miracle that could map out a way to restore Sunjae to true selfhood. It contained nothing at all that I could use to help him.
There was no leashing the liquid that salted the surface of my gaze while I gathered the bedsheets around myself; shuddering with the sharp-shock cold crashing its way into my lungs as the colossal weight of my own powerlessness slammed into me.
"Why," my voice curved around the rounded edges of my imminent loss; the memory of Sunjae's soft face: patiently waiting for me to wake up in the other room – streaking my cheeks with tears. "Why can't I save him?"
Why can't I hold onto him?
In a fit of wild helplessness; I flung the book across the room: the gold blur of its borders like a gleaming mockery of all my deepest wishes: gasoline poured over my precious hope. A single loose sheet from the last section of the text fluttered against my fingers; and I blinked numbly: momentarily diverted from the overwhelming din of my own heartbreak.
I peered at the lone page; recognizing even in the dim light of my shadowed room the shaky; wavering handwriting of my 'halmeoni.'
'Spell To Reverse Death,' it read; and I froze – frost-white anticipation flickering against the flat of my tongue as I recited the incantation's requirements. 'To return your love to life, you must go back in time to prevent what caused them to die. You will need an object of significance that belongs to them – a talisman that you must trust to take you where you need to go. Be warned, reader: you will only get two chances to save your beloved – otherwise they will be lost to you forever.'
Relief; ravaged and aching – rammed its way up my throat as I slumped forward; gasping as the green leaves of galvanizing hope bloomed within me once again. Finally – I had a solution for Sunjae's scars. An opportunity to erase them from existence. And I would take it – take it with my own two hands no matter what it cost me.
And I had a feeling that it might cost me everything.
But that didn't matter – nothing mattered; except for the far-flung possibility that I might be able to give Sunjae his life back. To see him fry chicken with his father again; to see him flush with pleasure at the sight of his many, many fans – all of it. Sunjae deserved all of it – and I would overturn the world to give it to him. I'd end my own existence to ensure it.
But for the spell to work; I needed an object that belonged to him and him alone – one that was important to him…
I racked my brain; confusion cluttering the busy corners of my mind as I thought about what I could do. I didn't have access to Sunjae's apartment or his old home that I now realized had been in my own neighborhood all those years ago – so what could I possibly use that belonged to him? What could I trust to have a real connection to him – strong enough to deliver me to a time before his death?
My eyes flitted across the room; the faint rose-gold rays of dawn drifting gently across the windowpane. Then my gaze dropped to the drawer of my bedside table – and I nearly wept as I realized that I had found my answer.
The watch.
The metal was light as I latched it onto my wrist; the weather-beaten screen of the stopwatch stark against my skin as I stared at it wonderingly. This was the watch that Sunjae had used during each one of his swimming competitions – though he had set it up for auction at a fan-site; it had always meant a lot to him; and it still did. It would have to do – it was the only thing I had.
It would have to be enough to save him.
I jumped as my bedroom door swung open soundlessly; the light-fingered movement of Sunjae's hands on the doorknob causing my heart to lurch in my chest as I witnessed how weightless his footsteps were against the floorboards of my room; how even the absolute black of his overcoat was now beginning to grey around the edges. He was disappearing right in front of me – but finally; there was something I could do about it.
Something I could try.
"Sol-ah," he said softly; his eyes silk-pressed with sorrow – as they always were; now: even when he was smiling. "I'm sorry if I woke you – I just felt a little restless; and – "
He broke off in shock as he saw the shoal of tears that swam in front of my eyes as I drank in the image of him leaning against my doorway: the long slender lyrics of his frame; the light dusting of freckles across the bridge of his nose. All the things I would stand to lose if I didn't go back in time to stop his death.
I stretched my arms out to him; the pool-blue of my blanket almost preternatural in the morning light as he gathered me up at once; the lack of his heartbeat against my chest like a lightning-bolt of pain.
"Sol-ah," Sunjae swept his thumb across the sensitive skin under my eyelids; carefully cleaning away my tears. "What's wrong? Why are you crying?"
It wasn't until I was in his arms that the consequences of my decision truly registered within me – this would never happen again.
I would never again know the safe harbor of his hands; hovering over my back – the delicate dip of his throat dancing against my shoulder. This ghost of a gasp beyond the reaches of resurrection – this spirit now more intrinsic to me than my own survival: I would lose him. I would lose all of him.
He would be nothing more than a memory; immovable as a mole on the side of my mouth – and just as intimate. Only I would recall him: he would be relinquished into the rare ether of impossibility; the rivets of our relationship rusting away into nothingness – once I restored him to his original life.
This was the sacrifice I had secretly known I would have to make – and I was resigned to it.
"Sunjae-ah," I said quietly; lingering in the lost wintry-warmth of his embrace for what I knew to be the last time. "I have to keep my promise to you."
In the end; I couldn't resist – I couldn't bear the thought of being borne away into a time where this soul that I loved despite all suffering would inevitably cease to exist: this untold singer of the rhythms that riddled the ravines of a heart that now belonged to him alone – all of it, all of Sunjae: I couldn't let him go without showing him how his presence shone against the iron shackles of my life.
"Forgive me," I whispered; rum-rich longing trellising through the tortured raggedness of my breath as I gently tugged Sunjae's head down to mine; my lips finding the smooth line of his own in the silence of my sun-struck bedroom. Forgive me for not being able to keep you, Sunjae-ah.
He tasted of cool mint and crystal-paleness; the potency of persimmons pervading my mouth as Sunjae let out a low, suppressed groan; the grave-heavy heft of his hands tightening around my waist – the touch of his tongue against the inseam of my lips sending spirals of flame down my fingers.
I clung to him; this casted dream of constant yearning that I had carried for all this time; my mouth parting under the satin-sting coldness of his lips; how they licked desperately against my own until my voice was lisping brokenly over the laden honey of his name.
"Sunjae-ah," I murmured; meeting the soot-soft melody of his molten gaze for a final time. "I love you."
I love you enough that I'm willing to let these months with you disappear like they never happened in the first place.
I loved you as an idol; I loved you as a man – and now I love you as a ghost, too.
I love you enough to let you live.
"I love you," I cradled his face in the fragile cups of my hands; relishing in the raw adoration that I could see rushing over his features – redemptive as river water as I ran my lips over his reddened cheek. "In whatever shape; whatever form – I will always love you, Sunjae-ah."
Wherever you go – please remember it.
I pressed the dial on the stopwatch.
Notes:
what will happen to ghost sunjae? where exactly in the timeline will sol travel?
(and other things to keep you up at night until my next update. xD)
ps: FIRST KISS.
i couldn't help but notice that i received a lot less comments than i usually do on the previous chapter: slightly confused as to whether that's because people didn't like the chapter for some reason; or because they just didn't feel like leaving a comment. whatever it is; if you're a reader of my work - please know that your comments mean the world to me; and go a long way in keeping me motivated to continue this story. i truly hope that you'll always share your thoughts on my writing with me - it makes all the difference in the world.
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 9: every kind of love defies time
Summary:
wibbly-wobbly time travel!
(with a heavy side of angst... xD)
Notes:
sol's PoV...
with a little surprise at the end. ;)
chapter title is put together from a section of john berger's novel "from a to x."
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
You can't go back in time, but you can return to the scenes of a love, of a crime, of happiness, and of a fatal decision; the places are what remain, are what you can possess, are what is immortal. They become the tangible landscape of memory, the places that made you, and in some way you too become them. They are what you can possess and what in the end possesses you.
~ Rebecca Solnit, from 'The Blue of Distance (III)'
every kind of love defies time
Dragonfly-dusted gold glazed over my eyelids; the watch a white-hot burn against my wrist as the world turned over on itself – dissolving around the edges like sugar in water. The last thing I saw was the pale, pleading request of Sunjae's face – reaching out for me even as I retreated into the narrow fingers of time: trailing over my body like the touch of a long-lost lover.
Where it would take me; I did not know – but I trusted that it would send me where I was needed most.
Where I could save Sunjae.
Forgive me, Sunjae-ah, I thought with thorns in my throat: the recollection of the raw ache in his face as I disappeared ripping into me with a rapier-fast force that was almost frightening – the desperate dimness of his hand trying to anchor me in place drawing thin lines of pain down my still-frozen spine. I have to do this to save you.
Awareness dawned on me with the dusk-white dance of snow settling over my hair; the familiar weight of my wheelchair resting against my back as the bridge I'd met Sunjae on for the first time flickered into place along my sightline. I blinked my eyes into focus against the blurry sleet of the nighttime sky; the cold a constant, solid companion – caressing the bones of my body with its bitter hands.
So this was where the watch had taken me. The night when Sunjae lost his life.
I took a deep breath; my arms tense with the tangible responsibility of my task. I couldn't let him die tonight. I couldn't let him become the ghost I had fallen in love with – the translucent wraith whose company I had treasured all these months: had wreathed with the impossibility of my own desires; dandelion-deep and just as distant.
I couldn't let it happen – even if the memory of his soul would haunt the secret-most corners of my heart forever after: the soft turn of his lips like a simmering lack in my limbs. I would let the ghost of his love go – and hold on to the hope of his beating; human heart.
I had no other choice.
Already; the velvet-black of Sunjae's car was veering in my direction; the side of the road glittering like dark crystals of salt – and my heart flared to life behind the barrier of my ribcage: heifer-soft with hope and just as uncertain.
He was still alive. Right now; he was still alive – and I would sacrifice every last bit of sweetness that had ever belonged in my life; to keep him that way.
The first time I had met Sunjae on the brassy-surfaced beginning of this bridge; he had taken my breath away – and the second time was no different.
Color kissed my cold-stippled cheeks as Sunjae stepped down from the car; the ornate obsidian of his eyes: soft and concerned – causing the air to catch within the column of my throat. The sleek black of the umbrella he lowered in front of me slipped underneath my skin – the shimmering dark of his hair shone between the borders of my lungs.
He was so beautiful – and so alive. So completely worthy of being saved.
And I would save him.
"Is your wheelchair broken?" Sunjae asked me softly; the rose-wild rasp of his voice radiating more heat through me than the hot-pack he pressed carefully against my palms. "Did you – did you get trapped out here after my concert?"
I couldn't staunch the tears; bittersweet and black as old blood – that bloomed under my eyelids as I stretched my trembling fingers forward to touch his smooth-shaven cheek. Sunjae-ah…
"Thank you for being alive," I said shakily; relief as clean as a river cutting through my insides. Thank you for still being here for me to save.
Surprise and vulnerability; like sequins made from smoke – studded the surrounding blossom-dark of his silent gaze. Sunjae nearly leaned into my touch; his cheeks apple-soft and slightly red – but there was something almost like shame shuttering his eyes away from me: rusted rafters blocking him from the brimming wish of my seeking fingers.
Don't hide from me, Sunjae-ah.
I only want you to live.
Just live.
"Can I take you home?" Sunjae murmured; the rolling curve of his mouth carrying a red wistfulness that I couldn't quite recognize. Even now; he resembled the ghost that I had fallen in love with – the same fluttering emptiness framing his face: the same deathless quiet quilting his body.
What had made him this way – why was there so much leashed longing in his eyes as he looked at me? "It's the least I can do for you, S-…for such a loyal fan."
I blinked; thinking fast.
However Sunjae had died tonight – I had to protect him from it. And I could only prevent it from happening if I was next to him. Right by his side.
If he took me home – that would buy me enough time to come up with a reason to stay with him throughout the night.
It was enough – it had to be.
"Yes," I said eagerly – too eagerly; judging by the startled but slightly pleased expression that stole over Sunjae's face at my rapid-fire words. "If – If you can do that for me, I'd be very grateful; Ryu Sunjae-sshi."
"Call me Sunjae," he requested lightly; his tone at stark odds with the torn anguish tinting his expression as he gently lifted me up from my wheelchair. His touch was painstakingly tender – so tender that I felt fresh tears prick at my eyelids as he carefully settled me onto the backseat of his car; stowing my wheelchair safely inside the trunk of his vehicle. Sunjae ignored the avidly inquisitive gaze of his manager as he slid in beside me; his eyes worried and woven through with a worn kind of softness that I had so far only associated with the ghost of him.
I had assumed that the sadness that had stemmed from Sunjae; like the scent of a solitary sunflower's cut-open sepals: had originated from his death – from being returned to a rootless afterlife. But I could see now that it lingered within him still; like little cracks patiently learning the downturned corners of his lips.
What had made him look this way?
"Sunjae-ah, then," I said quietly; tasting the tragic intimacy of his first name on my tongue. I wasn't sure if he'd only remembered saving me during my accident after he turned into a ghost – and why wouldn't he? He'd been nothing more than a passersby kind enough to come to my aid – the lone witness to the worst moment of my life. "I'm – I'm Sol."
His gaze was rapt on my face; rich and deep as raspberry compote as it performed a complete cartography of my features. But whether there was any recognition within the stark solemnity of his eyes – I couldn't quite tell.
A strange; silted sort of silence – heavy with the spun sands of the secrets I was keeping; sequestered the space between Sunjae and I as the car sped down the highway; his manager asking in polite but puzzled tones for the address of my apartment. As I gave it to him; I couldn't help but notice the small, yellow-and-white book resting against the rough leather of the car-seat. It was open towards one of the end-pages; underlined with a pale blue pencil.
'If I could, I too would create some beginning.
I would walk out into the white curtain
that hangs like a border between grief and forgetting
and let the snow gather again, flake by flake.'
The pain of it pulsed against my cheek; the lines – scored through by the heavy scratch of Sunjae's pencil; striking me like a savage blow. I turned to him at once; all thoughts of propriety thrown out of the window as I saw the naked fragility nestled within the dark spires of his sober eyes; his throat bobbing as he registered that I had read the contents of the open page of the book.
What heartbreak had he been harboring all this while?
"If there is something that grieves you," I said earnestly; yearning to map the gentle curve of his jaw under the jilted hope of my fingers. "I would rather you forget it, Sunjae-ah."
I would rather you forget me as a ghost; if that means you can live as a man.
Sunjae's lips lifted slightly; a forlorn kind of fondness flowering in the seed-dark starlessness of his gaze as he stared at me: his hands fisted at his sides as if fighting against some unknown demon that I could not for the life of me make depart from him.
"Some memories are worth their weight in gold," he whispered; his hands hovering – half-fists of haunted movement: a heartbeat away from my face. "No matter what pain they might bring, Sol-ah."
I looked at him helplessly; frantic with the need to free him from this unnamed agony – this monster with a mask that had somehow led to his demise.
Till now; I had never discovered the truth of what had happened tonight – or why Sunjae had died. As a ghost; the memory of his death had gone gasping away from him – gravel under the fading grit of his hands. He had never been able to tell me – never been able to confirm whether he had jumped from the balcony of that hotel room or had simply fallen into the swimming pool below due to some accident.
The watch had given me two chances to find out – to reveal what sorrow had slept under the covers with him for all these endless nights; had stepped in time with his feet for the last fifteen years.
Whatever it was – I'd fix it.
I had to.
"We're here," Sunjae said a low; almost resigned sigh – and I scrambled for an opportunity to delay him as the familiar sight of my apartment complex slid into view. Panic pressed its calloused knuckles against my cheek as Sunjae gradually lowered me onto the waiting wheelchair; held in place by his still-mystified manager. "Will you be able to go in by yourself, Sol-ah?"
"I – " I stammered; fear flooding past the desperate dam feebly blockading my chest. You can't go, Sunjae-ah. You can't leave.
Sunjae smiled at me; the sight of it as sweetly painful as syrup mixed through with poison. "Seeing you has been a blessing," he murmured; carefully brushing a wisp of hair away from my fast-paling face. "Be well, Sol-ah."
He turned to leave, and I; wild with the imminent loss of losing him: his touch, his presence, his life – caught onto his hand; my fingers fastening around the fine silk of his own.
"Please," I begged with the bone-deep dereliction of my desire – the need to keep him safe; keep him tethered to me. "Please don't leave me."
Don't go somewhere I can't save you from, Sunjae-ah.
Sunjae shifted to face me again; sudden astonishment setting his gaze askew with subdued light; as he raked over my determined face with his searching eyes.
I clutched his hand tighter; my fingertips trusting the tremored answer of his own furl-palmed grip.
"Spend the night with me," I murmured; flames of conviction – bright as flint; climbing up the sides of my throat. "In my apartment, Sunjae-ah."
~ / ~
I was losing my vision.
Viscous light was leaking from underneath my eyelids; my knees buckling out from below me as I fell against the floorboards of Sol's bedroom.
One minute she had been here – luck had lifted me up onto its long, slender wings: wine-red as the touch of her lips and how they had wounded me with their intensity; wildflowers of want weeping with gratitude within my chest at the keen electricity of her kiss – the sweet frenetic flicker of her mouth moving against mine. Sol had told me she loved me – it had been worth it to die just to hear it from the heart-shaped heat of her lips.
And then she had disappeared.
Peculiar flames were fleeing their way through my body; a pillar of fire pulsing in my throat as pain lanced through me – sudden and blinding. Strange; disjointed memories – like the deformed edge of a bird's broken body: were burgeoning into existence inside my brain.
"Some memories are worth their weight in gold," I could hear myself saying – though I'd never once said the words before my death. "No matter what pain they might bring, Sol-ah.
Sol's face gleamed in the grave-dark expanse of my mind; her words like white jets of water: washing me clean with the weight of my own desperate bewilderment.
"Spend the night with me," she whispered through the screaming ache of my silent body. "In my apartment, Sunjae-ah."
I couldn't understand the flurry of images: the feeling of soft fingers on my living face that I had never once experienced in my own life. A small hand resolutely wrapped around my own. The gentle steel of Sol's face – on a night I had never been with her for longer than five minutes.
Pain was sparking under the span of my ribs; the roots of it wrenching my skin apart. What was happening to me? Why couldn't I move?
"Please don't leave me," Sol's voice begged the breaking barriers of what was left of my body – and I strained against the enforced silence of my own spirit; dying all over again at the distance between her and I.
Where was she? Why couldn't I get to her?
Where have you gone, Sol-ah?
What have you done?
Notes:
PSYCH!
(haha...couldn't resist saying (typing?) that.xD)
the book and poem featured in the chapter are real. the book is called "leaning toward light," edited by tess taylor. the quoted poem is by cleopatra mathise, titled "on the twelfth of march."
just a head's up: sol is still not aware that sunjae knew her before her accident; and that she was his first love. this is because ghost!sunjae has still not volunteered up that information. she also doesn't know that he was stabbed or that he was murdered...because sunjae himself can no longer recall the events of his death after he became a spirit. which should make the timeline she's currently in very interesting...
let me know what you thought about this chapter; hearing from all of you is genuinely the highlight of my day - and i adore all your comments. drop me one and make my night too! 33
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 10: what did my fingers do, before they held him? (what did my heart do, with its love?)
Summary:
prepare for doom.
evil grin*
Notes:
chapter title is taken from sylvia plath's poem: "three women."
sol's PoV throughout!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
What is a ghost? A tragedy condemned to repeat itself time and again? A moment of pain, perhaps. Something dead which still seems to be alive. An emotion suspended in time.
~ Guillermo del Toro, from 'The Devil's Backbone'
what did my fingers do, before they held him? (what did my heart do, with its love?)
Shock: like shards of honey-hazed light – shone by the pewter gleam of the moon over Sunjae's motionless face; his gaze pooling into polished-black wonder.
I didn't have the time or the luxury of embarrassment as his manager let out a scandalized splutter of protest at my request. I could only hold onto Sunjae's hand; the mute appeal of my reaching fingers – apricot-scented apostles declaring the returning holiness of my hope: merging imperceptibly with the night's indifferent musk of city-smoke and snow.
"You – " Sunjae swallowed thickly; the smooth expanse of his throat tightening into tinted surprise – even now transfixing me with the slow grace of its movement amidst my all-consuming panic. "You want me…to spend the night with you? But…why, Sol-ah?"
Because I need you not to die, Sunjae-ah.
I need you to make it through this night.
I need you to stay alive.
I need –
"I need you," I said, the blunt edge of my desperate voice sending a deep blaze down the charred blossom of Sunjae's cheeks. "I need you to stay with me, Sunjae-ah. Please."
Please stay.
Please don't walk away from me and end up dead.
Please, please – stay with me, Sunjae-ah.
Acute yearning; acorn-sharp and just as brittle – beaded the infinite black of Sunjae's eyes into a jaded sort of jewelry: latching onto the length of my wrist with the prescience of pearls.
"You really mean that?" He whispered; the wisps of softness in his face sighing themselves into full strength. "You really need…me…?"
"Yes," I said instantly; my fingers interlocking with the intricate puzzle-work of his own palm. Always, Sunjae-ah.
The antecedents of an almost-anticipation bloomed to life under Sunjae's lids: half-hope and half a haunted kind of hesitancy; his hand trembling like the tattered edges of a soft-moving moth wing against the sensitive skin of my fingertips.
"Then I'll stay," he breathed out shakily; shrugging away the instant alarm of his manager. "If you want me to…I'll stay. Whatever you need, Sol-ah."
Relief rattled through the air in my lungs; the ropes of my frantic terror falling slack at last.
Sunjae was staying.
He wouldn't leave.
He wouldn't leave me.
"Yah, Ryu Sunjae!" His manager scolded; his tone acerbic and almost petulant. "What will the press make of this – "
"Damn the press," Sunjae swore roughly; the burr of his voice at burning odds with the gentle hand he placed against the back of my wheelchair; carefully steering me forward towards my dimly-lit apartment building. "Tell me where to go, Sol-ah."
Still stunned by his nearly-immediate acquiescence, I indicated my apartment number to Sunjae numbly; scrambling through the contents of my handbag for the familiar cut of my key. Sunjae waited patiently; and it wasn't until my fingers lodged around the lopsided cluster of my keys that I realized that I hadn't let go of his hand – that he hadn't even pulled it away from me.
Color; red as the ends of a priest-woman's robes: curled against my cheeks; and I hastily shifted my arm – opening the door to my apartment with a loud 'click.'
There was a brief flicker – like discs of disappointment deepening in Sunjae's eyes; before he schooled his face into smooth expressionlessness as he stepped inside my home with me.
"I'm sorry I'm making you upset your manager," I said regretfully; flicking the lights on – the illumination lending an amber glimmer to the gradual curve of Sunjae's jaw as I urged him to sit on the brightly-cushioned couch. I'm sorry to have to inconvenience you, Sunjae-ah. I don't have any other choice.
"He'll manage," Sunjae said with a wry sort of dismissiveness; looking with undisguised interest over the contents of my living room. "It's quite literally his job."
I blinked up at him; my cheeks still blotted with color. By now; I should have been used to his presence in my home – whether it was in this timeline or my own. But Sunjae now was so different from his ghost – the dark of his coat was even duskier; the sheen of his hair freer with its shade-bright movement – he had more weight to him: the pulsing attention of his presence causing my heart to pound in my chest.
There was a tired but definite curiosity in his gaze as he catalogued the pictures of my high-school self on the wall: the years before the wheelchair. A sad smile slipped past his lips: like an unopened letter of longing; as he looked at the blurry portrait; now brown with age – of my very first school race.
I didn't know what had made the despair drip off of Sunjae like ichor off a dying god: but I was desperate to take it away from him. To smooth the salted sorrow swimming within the demerara-dark sugar of his eyes: almost shivering through me with their intensity as they scanned the accumulation of years stored within my living room.
"Can I get you anything?" I said abruptly – the need within me to erase the narrow downturn of his dew-soft lips almost atavistic at that moment. "An extra coat to keep you warm, Sunjae-ah? Coffee too, maybe?"
I prepared to wheel myself to the kitchen; pale roses of pleasure pricking my fingers as Sunjae suddenly interweaved his hand with mine. I paused; pink pebbling my cheeks at the unexpected gesture.
"Tell me what you brought me here for," Sunjae murmured; the coal-black clasp of his gaze capturing me with its near-capacious focus. "Tell me what you need from me, Sol-ah."
I froze.
How could I tell him he was destined to die tonight? How could I tell him I had taken time apart with my own two hands just for the tiny possibility that he could be saved – that I could save him – tie him to this world; to this life?
How could I?
How could I possibly expect him to believe me?
My fingers shook against the sure-brown band of Sunjae's wrist. I couldn't tell him what I had come here to do – why I had pleaded so insistently for his presence.
So I offered up the next-best truth that I thought might make a difference to the dissolving dereliction of his fine-boned features. That might buy him a bit of hope against the oncoming dark.
"I know," I said gently; my thumb dotting against the dips between his knuckles; the open prairies of his palm. "I know it was you who found me the day of my accident, Sunjae-ah. I know you were the one who took me to the hospital. I know you've been blaming yourself ever since for not being able to save me – but no one could have; Sunjae-ah. Some things just can't be avoided. And I want you to let the guilt go. I want you to know I am nothing but grateful to you."
I want you to know that I love you more than anything.
A peculiar; half-choked gasp pulled itself free from the pillar of Sunjae's throat – his hand suddenly holding mine with desperate; disbelieving urgency.
"You're wrong," he forced out; his chest rising and falling in a riot of motion. "You were always mine to save, Sol-ah. You were always…"
He knelt down in front of me to look into my wide-wavering eyes; the keen-black ends of his thick coat kissing the cool tiles of my living room. "…Mine," he finished with a whisper; tender as treated cotton over the tops of my ears. "You were always mine."
A small sound – relief and rampant desire; rooted together on my tongue – released from my licked-dry lips.
I wish you could be mine, too; Sunjae-ah.
"T-Thank you for agreeing to be here with me," I stammered incoherently – the sight of Sunjae; kneeling in front of me – the dagger-deep shimmer of devotion in his gaze: almost too much for me to bear. "I didn't think you'd…"
Stay.
Or say this to me, Sunjae-ah.
But I'm not sorry I heard it.
I'm not sorry I want you too, Sunjae-ah.
"Sol-ah," the smoke-tossed plainwater of Sunjae's voice pillowed against my mouth with its unending softness; my pulse picking up pace as he gently took my hand; carefully pressing his lips to the pinpoints of my knuckles. "I don't think that I'm even remotely capable of denying you anything."
He leaned in; so close that I could feel his eyelashes fluttering against my cheek.
"Sol-ah," he breathed – and then the doorbell rang with a discordant buzz; breaking the syrup-slick slowness of the air between us. "I…"
.
.
.
I propelled myself towards the front door; my cheeks still flushed with the nearness of Sunjae's face – his lips lining the air inches away from my own mouth. What would it be like to kiss him like this – when I could hear his heartbeat hammering under my hand; taste the total red of his skin under my touch?
As soon as I saw who was at the door, would he….?
I opened the door curiously; peering out into the bleak-snowed black of the night. There was a man at the entrance – nondescript; in nylon joggers. Something about him made me uneasy – there was absolutely nothing in his eyes: nothing except dyed ash and a deep, disturbing hunger.
"Who – who are you?" I mumbled; inexplicable goosebumps gathering over the thin skin of my arm. "Why are you here?"
The man smiled; the ensuing flash of his overly-white teeth like the opening slash of a razorblade.
"Don't you remember me, chickie? I left you such a lovely souvenir last time we…met."
Sudden, all-encompassing fear threatened to swallow me whole – and I tried to slam the door shut; a ragged scream rising in my throat as the man kicked his way in; his hand fisting around my hair.
"Sol-ah!" Sunjae came racing towards me; his eyes flaring with fright and horror at the sight of the intruder in my home; the dredged grey of the man's clothes a dull pain against the until-now comforting confines of my apartment.
"GET AWAY FROM HER," Sunjae growled; throwing the man aside with a violent forward-thrust of his arm. "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?"
Cold terror collided against my spine as the man grinned with grim amusement; withdrawing an ugly-handled knife. Sunjae's face paled; but he didn't move from his place in front of me – and never had I been so desperate for the use of my legs – irretrievably lost to me as they were now. I would have given anything to be able to move right then – to be able to step in front of Sunjae and safeguard him from the mottled; monstrous laughter of the man who had invaded my apartment.
Frantically, I dialed 112 on my phone; my fingers frozen with abject fear.
"How convenient to find the two of you here," the man purred; his face a rictus of unholy glee. "Makes my job so much easier – thank you for that."
I could do nothing but scream as the man lunged forward; Sunjae instantly shielding me with his body. There was nothing but the blinding blur of the knife in the man's hands; every part of me paralyzed and petrified as I watched the blade bite deep into Sunjae's chest; the wet; whimpering sound of pain that passed from his lips the worst sound that I had ever heard in my life.
"NO!" My throat split apart as I struggled to leave my wheelchair; my broken limbs still less of a heartbreak to me than the sickening 'thud' with which Sunjae's body hit the floor; blood like pennants of black flame pulsing from his chest. "NO, SUNJAE-AH!"
Agony; agate-dark and despondent as the deathless stillness of my legs; destroyed the air in my lungs as I crawled towards Sunjae; my heart shattering in half at the feeble shudders running through his frame. I didn't even care that the man was shaking with maniacal laughter; that he was simply toying with me – touching the blood-splattered edge of his blade with crooked fingers and crooning softly to it as I screamed for Sunjae.
Never had I hated my own handicap as the way I did now, pulling myself by the strength of my arms alone to Sunjae's side; cradling his head in my hands as dark fluid descended from his bone-pale lips. I could hear sirens in the distance; sheaving through the air with their shrillness – loud enough that the man instantly backed away: sneering with savage disappointment as he shot me one last look – ancient with hatred; before running out the door.
I didn't care that he'd left; that I was still alive; that help was coming – I didn't care about any of it: because nothing could staunch the blood billowing over Sunjae's black coat; my hands steeped in the scarlet of his skin.
Sunjae was dying again.
And I hadn't been able to save him.
"Please," I wept; my tears mixing with the maroon gash splitting Sunjae's chest open. "Please don't leave me again, Sunjae-ah, PLEASE."
Sunjae's hand trembled; turning weakly over the corner of my sleeve. "S-Sol-ah," his voice was like thread on paper – thin as the ghost I had thought I had left behind forever. "I couldn't save you last time…but I think I've made up for it now, haven't I? I did well, didn't I, Sol-ah? Tell me I did well…"
I couldn't speak past the scalding salt of my tears.
"You've always done well," I sobbed; hating the dwindling sound of Sunjae's heartbeat; the smile he gave me; covered with crimson fragility. "But I wish you hadn't. I wish you hadn't saved me right now, Sunjae-ah…please, god, don't leave me. Don't do this to me. Don't, I'm begging you; Sunjae-ah….please, please."
"I don't want to leave you, sweetheart," Sunjae's thumb pressed against the wet planes of my cheek. "But wherever I'm going now…please let me take your light with me. Sol-ah…my guiding light. My single ray from the sun. Let me meet you again somewhere kinder…somewhere better than this."
The watch lit up with leashed lightning; burning a hole in my wrist as my voice splintered apart with a blistering scream as Sunjae's breaths slowed; fast approaching stillness.
No, I begged the broken hands of the clock carving my time apart. Please don't take me away. Please don't let him die alone. Please, please, please…
But the world disappeared from under my eyelids; mist mingling with the desperate cry of my mouth as I toppled over onto the undisturbed floor of my bedroom – back into the cruel caress of my own original timeline.
Torture; tented black as the barrage of brittle glass gathering in my lungs – tore through me.
I had failed. Sunjae was dead.
And he had died protecting me.
"NO!" I doubled over on the floor; hitting my fists until they bled against the hardwood. "Sunjae-ah….my Sunjae…."
I'm so sorry, Sunjae-ah.
I didn't even know what I had to save you from…and I failed anyway.
Sunjae…Sunjae-ah…forgive me. I'm so sorry. Forgive me for letting you fade away again.
Cool hands clasped under my waist; spirit-light and soft as vanishing sand – gently lifting me up to a sitting position. I shook with earth-altering relief; staring out of my acid-washed eyes into the silvery edges of Sunjae's spectral face: broken open with bruised, almost-injured shock.
"Sol-ah?"
He whispered.
Notes:
...yeah, yeah, i bet you want to storm my house with pitchforks right now.
I'M SORRY BUT THIS IS WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR. I SAID THERE WOULD BE ANGST!
i'll redeem myself with the next chapter, i promise. :p
do comment and let me know what a horribly evil supervillain i am. it makes my heart grow warm. xD
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 11: the love that dives naked towards infinity's reach
Summary:
hehe.
see for yourself. ;)
Notes:
chapter title is taken from "mornings in jenin," by susan abulhawa.
sol's PoV throughout, then sunjae's at the end!
also the full letter that feynman wrote his wife that has been quoted here is HEARTBREAKINGLY beautiful.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
[ ] – Because you could not give me something that you wanted to and thought I needed. You needn't have worried. Just as I told you then there was no real need because I loved you in so many ways so much. And now it is clearly even more true – you can give me nothing now yet I love you so that you stand in my way of loving anyone else – but I want you to stand there. You, dead, are so much better than anyone else alive.
You only are left to me. Only you are real.
~ Richard Feynman, from a letter to his deceased wife, 'D'Arline' (1946)
the love that dives naked toward infinity's reach
Silvery tears; broken and salted as buried steel – stole into Sunjae's eyes as he stared at me in disbelief – his lips moving in a litany formed from the nubs of my name.
"Sol – "
But I didn't wait to hear the rest of what his shock; shingling his fingers as it was – had to say: I pitched forwards; desperate to press my arms around the shape of him – the pale-shimmering reminder that part of him still existed. That pain had not parsed the petal-smoothness away from his face; smudged around the edges as if a thumbprint had stamped indelibly across his soul – marking him as 'other.'
Marking him as mine.
Sunjae was still here: the hazy-husk of his voice hovering above the curve of my ear. Dead as he was; the dark wash of his hair was what my eyes chose to worship; the dissolving planes of his bloodless face like a drop of ambrosia in my waiting veins.
He was still here.
Sunjae had died in my arms not two seconds ago; and now time had turned me back to him: to this first ghost; this first flower of my affection; furling open within me even now – as I looked at the once-living beauty of his bone-white features – the pallor a constant presence of his passing.
"Sunjae-ah," I sobbed; the sight of his blood still staining my eyelids – lending red regret to the rust-laden air of my bedroom. "Sunjae-ah, I'm sorry; I'm so sorry that I couldn't save you…."
I failed.
I failed you, Sunjae-ah…
I wasted this chance.
"I'm so sorry," I wept; the clipped edges of my nails catching in the weak-wool translucency of his coat; my face pillowed against the preternatural stillness of his chest: the lack of his heartbeat like a lance against my cheek. "Sunjae-ah…Sunjae-ah…forgive me; I couldn't save you…I couldn't do anything…"
"Sol-ah," Sunjae's voice was touched with tense wire; his hands trembling like the tapered ends of dove-tails as his fingers drifted down the side of my face – almost as though he were checking to see if I were real. "You…you…"
Suddenly; his arms banded around me: spun borders of silence that surrounded me with the sweetish scent of balsam and burnt sugar.
"What were you thinking?" Sunjae demanded; his voice a welter of raw and aching rebuke – his fingers fastening with fragile urgency around the turns of my tilted wrists. "Sol-ah, how could you? How could you just leave?"
How could you just leave me here? The deep-sunk sadness of his eyes salted my own – Sunjae had never looked more haunted than he did now: the charcoal line of his lashes like ash charring the sides of my throat; his gaze pitch-black and porous with grief. I hated it – hated that I had made him look this way: this pale spell of a boy; this tall spire of a spirit that was barely more than parchment on paper. This ghost for whom I would give away my own life.
"Sunjae," I pleaded; the scorched underbrush of my voice cracking under the garnet weight of my guilt. "I was – I was trying to – "
"I know what you were trying to do," Sunjae said grimly; the edges of his hands incongruously grey against the deep-gold of the grimoire he drew from the pale fabric of his coat – 'halmeoni's' loose sheet fluttering to the floor; the letters scrawled outward like an accusation. "And I remember that night in your apartment. That man – he could have killed you, Sol-ah."
"How could you have risked it?!" Sunjae's voice splintered in half; striking me in the same place where his thumb stroked the side of my jaw – jarringly gentle. "You could have died, Im Sol!"
"And you did!" I almost screamed; the scraps of my words flung out like refuse at the end of an old street – reeking of my complete and utter helplessness. "You died again Sunjae!"
"I had to watch you die," I whispered; my body giving way under the broken branches of my words; withering into bitterness beside my unmoving feet. "I went back in time to save you – all of it; all of this – was to save you. And I couldn't do it. I couldn't do anything at all."
I couldn't help you when you needed me most, Sunjae-ah.
I'm so, so, sorry.
"Sol-ah," Sunjae's hands were almost transparent – but I felt them trembling with the truth of a thousand tendernesses as he carefully lifted me up onto my unfeeling feet; his palms placating my waist into waves of steadying warmth; preventing me from falling. "Sweetheart, I don't want you to save me. If you had kept me from dying; we never would have met again. I wouldn't have had the chance to know you. You wouldn't… you wouldn't have told me that you loved me, Sol-ah."
Mutely; I stared at Sunjae – the tears traveling down my face; keeping tryst with the tinted miracle of his touch.
Understanding shadowed his face seconds later – sharp shards of hurt shaving his eyes down to shattered chips of glass.
"But you already knew that," he breathed out; his face growing impossibly paler – milk-white as the moon mourning the many-feathered memory of the night. "You knew what would happen if you tried to stop me from dying…and you did it anyway, Sol."
I stared at him: this apple-cheeked apparition carrying months' worth of dreams – this miracle of a moment etched forever into the unforgiving textures of time.
This boy that was never meant to be mine – this solitary ghost giving breath to all my bodiless hope.
"Sunjae-ah," I said quietly; my fingers quivering against the quickbeam curve of his snow-soft jaw. "I'd rather you forget me than have to watch you be this way – be this dead."
He stiffened; for once pulling away from my touch – the faint red flicker of color on his cheeks fractured with the beginnings of an annihilating anger.
"I'd rather stay dead!" Sunjae nearly shouted; his eyes flared wide and wet with agonized frustration. "I'd rather stay dead forever than have to forget the fact that you kissed me, Sol-ah!"
Shock – sheer as the ends of Sunjae's shining hair; sheaved its way through me as he took hold of my face; his thumbs softly thieving the salt from my skin. The air seemed to crystallize between us – cataracts of longing wholly clouding my eyes.
"Don't you see what you are to me, Sol-ah?" he murmured; his gaze tortured with the tinctures of a hundred unhealed wounds. "You are the dream of a dead man whose only hope of seeing heaven is you."
"If you take that away from me," Sunjae whispered; the pads of his fingers like pulses of protecting light against my cheeks as I shuddered; love lifting its large, luckless gaze up from the gathering depths of my soul – lost in the silk-tossed swirl of his eyes. "Then I don't know who I'll be. I need you, Sol-ah – even though I know you shouldn't need me. You are the breath that is no longer in my lungs – each one is named after you. Don't make me give that up."
"I know that I can't give you anything, Sol-ah; not a date – not a song; not even a simple present," Sunjae's voice blazed with bitterness; bleeding lines of longing down my back. "But at least let me keep my memory, Sol-ah – let me keep my death: because it's the only thing that managed to bring me you. And then you can be with someone alive; – someone who can lay the world at your feet; instead of me – who can only look at it from a distance."
Yearning; thick and soft as yarn yielding under my fingers – filled me with a frost-tipped ache as I looked at Sunjae; the blossoming entreaty of his eyes blistering my body into green-leafed grief and need.
"I don't want anyone alive," I stuttered; the stern immensity of my desire stinging my skin with the dusk-depths of gold. "I want you, Sunjae-ah."
I gasped as Sunjae lifted me up bodily into his arms; bequeathing me to the cream-soft cover of my bedsheet as he leaned over me – his coat cushioning my collarbones as his mouth captured mine in a hungry; hopeless kiss – hoarfrost-deep despair in the darting motion of his tongue; tasting the seeking answer of my own. His lips were as cool and bitter as coffee; clasping against the tip of my ear – the jut of my jaw.
A tiny noise escaped my lips; and Sunjae tensed – his mouth murmuring to a stop against the side of my neck.
"What am I going to do with you, Sol-ah," he said hoarsely; the defeated desperation in his voice dancing fingers of heat down my spine.
There wasn't even a single doubt in my mind as I answered him; my breath blooming into buds of blistering need between my ribcage. There was no one I wanted more than Sunjae – no body more precious to me than the cold-bright coinage of his own, bent over me as it was right then. "Whatever you want," I said breathlessly – and meant it.
I shivered; my shirt twisting into coils of crushed cotton in Sunjae's hands as he bent his head lower; his lips laving across the soft expanse of my stomach – smiling sadly up the sides of my waist. "Ah, please," I moaned – and a low groan gripped Sunjae's throat as his fingers flickered; like licks of flame – against the light-yellow bridge of my bra – slipping under it to stroke my sensitive; swollen skin. I gasped as he thumbed the stiff points of my nipples; his large hands learning the shape of my breasts.
"You're so gorgeous, Sol-ah," Sunjae whispered; his lips licking a molten line of fire across my peaked breasts; mapping the hardened tips with his mouth until I was whimpering with need. "So pretty. So mine."
"S-Sunjae-ah," I stammered; my voice sighing to a stop as he softly kissed his way down my body – the smooth edges of his lips sending smoke curling across my skin. Gently; he spread the slack, immovable weight of my legs – and deep coral kissed my cheekbones; my face burning – beads of sweat trickling down my back like tendrils of teal-blue electricity. "Sunjae, please…"
With so much tenderness that I thought it might tear me in half: Sunjae lifted my hips slowly –sliding my skirt down my thighs until it pooled around my calves – the same powdered pink as the skin of my cheeks. My eyes widened; my heartbeat fluttering hummingbird-fast against my chest.
"Can you feel this?" Sunjae asked quietly; his hand brushing against the seat of my panties; and I flushed down to the roots of my hair. "Is this…something that's possible for you, Sol-ah?"
I nodded shakily.
"Y-yes," I whispered. "I haven't lost…that. I can still feel when you touch me – there."
"Good," Sunjae rasped; his lips lifting up a little at my shocked exhalation as he pressed a quick kiss to the front of my panties; before pulling them down with his teeth until they stretched around my ankles. "Just relax for me, Sol-ah."
Sunflowers of want seared my eyes, seeding my lids to a close; Sunjae's lips now licking directly against my core – his tongue sliding into me with sinful ease. I cried out; color stamping my cheeks sienna-red and stippled with need. Sunjae chuckled; the dark sweep of his eyelashes outlining my inner thigh as he smiled up at me softly. "You're so sweet, Sol-ah," he murmured – a roguish wink following his innocent words. "Quite literally."
My mouth popped open in shock as Sunjae's fingers parted me open; his skin growing as slick as my own as he circled my swollen center – his tongue flicking in and out relentlessly until I was almost whining with want.
"Sunjae-ah…" I panted softly; my skin throbbing with desperation. "I can't take much more of this…"
His fingers fit into me with a soft; wet sound – and I blushed bruising red: whimpering at the movement making me see semi-circles of light behind my closed lids.
"Let go for me, Solie," Sunjae crooned; and a loud moan licked its way into my mouth as I trembled; pleasure pulsing in waves over my core. Heat hugged my limbs as I shuddered; Sunjae's tongue still tracing the small bundle of nerves at my center until I was keening quietly; seconds away from being overwhelmed.
"You're so perfect," Sunjae breathed against me, the vibrations of his voice traveling deep until I twitched with oversensitivity, my cheeks cherry-red. "So beautiful, Sol-ah."
I was riveted to the sight of him: the reverence with which his lips caressed the low curve of my stomach as he wiped his mouth; cradling me in his arms as I clung to him.
"I love you, Sol-ah," Sunjae's mouth covered my own; softly insistent – moving steadily so I could taste myself on his lips. "I love you so much. Promise me you won't try to go away again."
I kissed him back with every fiber in my being – the force of my love a physical ache underneath my eyelids. I was willing to promise Sunjae the world – but not this.
Never this. There was no possible way that I could let him lose out on an entire lifetime of happiness that only being alive; breathing the same air as the scores of people around him – could bring. I would fight to the death to fold his life back into his hands – dampen the death that drew away the warmth from his silent skin.
So I simply held onto him – to the halo of hope that his hands brought me; carefully brushing through the braided ends of my hair.
"I love you, Sunjae-ah," I said softly. Please forgive me.
I'm never going to stop trying to save you.
Never.
~ / ~
I watched Sol sleep; the soft spell of her lips parted slightly – even now sending a frisson of electricity down my spine with their smooth-red sorcery.
How she'd sighed for me – the syllables of my name simmering under her tongue until my body tightened; tense with desire. I could almost feel my heart lift itself to life inside my chest as I recalled the memory; the crimson curve of her cheeks as she came apart in my arms.
I waited patiently as she rested; my eyes narrowing slightly as I noticed that the golden spell-book was inches away from Sol's hand – her fingers splayed as if in search for it. I'd meant what I'd told her – I didn't want to be saved. I wanted only her – the votive of her voice at the altar of my ears; the hymn of her hands singing through my hair.
I wouldn't let her leave again. I wouldn't let herself risk the rose-gold glow of her smile.
"Wherever you go, Sol-ah," I whispered; running a careful finger across the gentle fans of her collarbones. "I'm going to go with you."
Notes:
...whew, this one was tough! :D
i think this was one of the hardest chapters to write because of how emotionally charged it was. but it was important to me that i get it right - because it's so significant to both sol and sunjae's development vis-a-vis their feelings for each other. i had to do a lot of research for this as well; as i needed to know the range of possibilities of intimacy that are available to people with special needs. apparently; if the paralysis of your spine is above the T6 region; you can still possess feeling and sensation down...there.
ahem.
it's a delicate topic - but people tend to assume that individuals with special needs have lives that center around just that - their special needs. they don't consider; or care to find out - that individuals with special needs also desire intimacy like everyone else. pleasure is a privilege everyone should have - and a sweetheart like sunjae to provide it for you. :)
make my day and drop me a comment letting me know how this chapter made you feel!
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 12: what if there was no border between flesh and light?
Summary:
a sweet little interlude.
(for the most part... :p)
Notes:
chapter title is taken from ranjit hoskote's poem, "tacet."
sunjae's PoV throughout!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Remind me again – together we
trace our strange journey, find
each other, come on laughing.
Some time we'll cross where life
ends. We'll both look back
as far as forever, that first day.
I'll touch you – a new world then.
Stars will move a different way.
We'll both end. We'll both begin.
~ William Stafford, from 'Our Story'
what if there was no border between flesh and light?
I stared at the watch – my watch: on Sol's bedside table – incongruously innocent-looking; black-strapped and battered. It almost seemed to gleam in the gritty light of midnight-kissing-the-edges-of-morning; as if it still carried the chlorine from the pool-water of my past; eddying in pale circles around my ankles.
This was what had taken Sol away from me. What had touched her hands with the shackles of time: the scattered shells of my broken life binding her faithful feet.
I didn't want my life back if Sol didn't come along with it – the tender heat of her hands harboring hope against the dark patina of my hair: the simple flowers growing in the soft soil of her voice – wreathing the aftermath of my existence into garlands of gold.
Fifteen years of my fame had never once compared to the cane-sugar shock of her smile – how every day had been tinged with turquoise trimming the syllables of her name. The fact that I knew Sol now – that one wish which had been the lettered longing lining all my songs: the fact that I knew she liked hibiscus tea in the morning and hot biscuits; that she mixed honey into her coffee to off-set the bitterness – the privilege of her familiarity that gathered in my hands like grenadine-dipped petals: if I had to stay dead to deepen its presence; then I would.
I would haunt the halls of her apartment forever; little more than the last vestiges of a man existing upon the hinges of his only veneration: her.
I would hold onto her with every little bit of hope that was left in my heart – Sol was all that stood between me and the salted flame of separation: sewing threads of silk into the sighed desire of my unquiet skin: desperate for more of her laughter; the light weight of her long-stemmed fingers.
I didn't want to be alive again – my death deserved no higher honor than to decorate the space between the spindled-stun of her arms.
It was why I couldn't tell her the truth.
That man – that creature in the dark that had cut apart the blossoming beginning that had sprouted between the stretch of our bodies: I had seen him before.
Cobwebs covered so much of my memory now; the time before my death as tasteless as bone-weak broth in my mouth. I didn't know where or how I'd witnessed the weal-marked brutality of that man's face – but he wasn't a stranger. I had known him – recognized him somehow. But I knew that if I told Sol; she would only grow more frantic in her attempts to save me. That she might risk herself again to find out exactly what lay beneath the ripped fabric of my death.
And I couldn't let her.
Just the thought of her body; beaded with mottled-black blood – even though it had been mine and not hers: was enough to cause dark adders of despair to bite the borders of my throat. I would sooner die all over again than let Sol depart from me once more. Her love was all the life that I needed in my lungs.
I couldn't tell her.
And I wouldn't.
Forgive me, Sol-ah, I closed my eyes against the clover-soft sweep of her smile as she wheeled herself back into the bedroom; her eyes almond-shaped sharers of shimmering warmth. But I'd rather have you than any kind of answer. Let my death be a mystery only the moon knows.
"Sunjae-ah," Sol said brightly – her voice brimming with the kind of burgeoning sweetness that I swore was a real, tangible sensation; against my unfeeling skin. "I have a surprise for you!"
I blinked at her in bemusement.
She'd been busy all day and well into the rim of the rain-soaked night – refusing to let me enter the living room no matter how much I'd protested. I'd been mystified; but hadn't thought much of it – until now. What could she have been planning all this while? Curiosity caught on the blunt ends of my fingertips like kindling.
What had Sol been hiding?
"Close your eyes, Sunjae-ah," Sol giggled; the glint of her laughter like pinpricks of glitter pulsing between my pupils. I obeyed readily; relying on the tiny trust of her hands wrapping around my own as she carefully led me forward into the living room. I felt the air change immediately – faint tendrils of tangerine-sweet scent gently tapping the side of my nose. "Okay, you can open them now, Sunjae!"
I cautiously blinked my sight into being – and stared; transfixed.
The entire room was lined with candles – tallow tipped in soft yellow light; delicate latticework dancing across the wet windowpanes. There were flowers furling their sweetness into every corner – small, perfectly-formed daisies with pink centers; flickering blue forget-me-nots like spells of sapphire silence seeping into the floor; white fingers of lilies stroking the soft-bleached walls.
And everywhere; taped to the chairs and cushions and cracked end-tables: were little pieces of paper. Printouts of album reviews; social media posts quoting my songs – personal anecdotes from friends and fans about how much a difference I had made in their lives. There were pictures of my father at every one of my concerts; his face creased with careworn affection. And; neatly stenciled in Sol's meticulous hand – were lines from each one of my songs since debut. She'd underlined her favorite ones.
Tears studded my eyes into silver – the cold impossibility of them catching in the crevices of my glistening gaze.
This would have taken days to put together – the light of a week's worth of late nights evident in the lingering smudges; like spokes of pale blue wheels – fanning out from under Sol's eyelids. And she'd done it for me – all for me.
"Sunjae-ah," Sol said quietly – her small face steeped in syrup; her eyes twin points of tenderness. "I want you to see that you're not just a bystander in this world. I want you to see that you still belong to it – that there is beauty bridging together the bodies of everyone who remembers you; who felt the fine wine of your laughter – who held the horizons of your smile. You are loved, Sunjae. You will always be loved – in your life and in your death."
"You will always be here, Sunjae-ah – here in the heat and confusion of the world; healing every hand that was ever held out to you. You – oh!"
Sol stuttered to a stop with a stilted gasp as I fell at her feet; burying my face in her lap as I wrapped my arms around her – the wounds of my hands seeking the salve of her soft skin. I sobbed; the stones of my regret running into powder under the gentle pass of her palms – her fingers freeing the faint curls of my hair; gradually coming to life under the tips of her touch.
"I don't deserve you," I said thickly; my lips pressing to the little divot between her ribcage – relishing in her soft sigh of pleasure. I don't know what I did to have you with me in my afterlife; Sol-ah – but it was worth it to die just to know the dimple on your cheek. I hope I never lose this.
"You deserve far more," Sol smiled gently; the clean-white cup of her hand effortlessly catching the liquid lining my face. "You deserve every bit of light that my life can give you, Sunjae-ah – I won't let your death become part of the darkness."
I kissed her then; my mouth moving past the plush partition of her lips: tasting the tart sweetness of her tongue as she sighed unsteadily; declaring my devotion in the only way I knew how.
"Thank you," I whispered fervently; my fingers flaring against the fleece-soft thickness of her black-threaded hair. Thank you for making my death dream brighter than my life, Sol-ah.
I was content to just sit with her; the salt of my tears drying under the soothing sea of her touch – waves of water in the dark pool of her hair; prickling the skin of my shoulders. Soft music streamed from the screen of her phone; and I rested my head in her lap – staring up at the star-tossed curve of her smile.
A wistful wisp of air escaped Sol's mouth.
"I miss dancing," she said ruefully; running her fingers over the pad of her phone like it was the black-and-white edge of a brand-new piano. "Every time I hear a song I like; I listen to the memory of movement in my body – crying out to be born again. What I wouldn't give to be able to do it; just once more…"
Residual guilt set metal rivets of murky pain into my palms; my fists clenching – my nails leaving grooves in the narrow lines of my palms.
Sol had lost the use of her legs because I hadn't been able to save her in time – but I'd be damned if I let her lose the feeling of her favorite pastimes, too.
"You can still dance," I murmured; switching the song to a softer tune as I carefully lifted Sol off of her wheelchair; my hands framing the fanned elegance of her slender back as I supported all of her weight at the waist; her toes tipping atop my own. "You can dance with me, Sol-ah."
I swayed Sol gently in my arms; the rain less of a rapture than the jewel-coded joy of her face; her eyes glowing with more charm than the chirruping heat of the still-lit candles. The song silvered on; the lyrics leaping in place of my heart as I held Sol against me – body-to-body blossoming the closeness captured between our skins. To the outside world; it might have looked like a girl was dancing all by herself; her hands aloft on empty air – but there would always be a ghost gathering her in his arms; giving the last rites of his life into the grasp of her fingers.
'And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later, it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am…'
"I love you, Sol-ah," I whispered; the soft heat of her body stealing warmth into my own as I gently swung her around to the sifted-moonlight of the music. I love you more than the last breath of my life.
Notes:
sigh*
i love a soft dance scene.
sunjae's PoV's are so special to me - there's a sincere ache to his voice that is just so beautiful to bring out.
also; the lyrics featured in the last scene are from "iris" by the goo goo dolls. it's a childhood favorite of mine - and so very ghost!sunjae-coded.
make my day and let me know what you thought of this little chapter in the comments!
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 13: the principled dark is a prayer (we all must come to)
Summary:
DOOM pt 2 -
you have been warned. *grins evilly*
Notes:
chapter title taken from the poetry collection: 'leaning toward light.'
sol's PoV throughout!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
in a world where you are possible
my love
nothing can go wrong for us, tell me –
~ Frank O'Hara, from 'Song'
/
Eurydice, dying now a second time, uttered no complaint against her husband. What was there to complain of, but that she had been loved?
~ Ovid, from 'Metamorphoses'
the principled dark is a prayer (we all must come to)
I smiled softly at Sunjae; who was still cradling the notes I'd made on my favorites out of all his songs in his arms as if they were the infant embodiments of his hope – the silvery edges of his thumbs brushing like curls of smoke against the coarse paper.
Even now: the glistening gladness in Sunjae's gaze as he looked at me was enough to latch inside my lungs; lifting my breath into something long past limerence.
Would it ever stop being a wonder to me – the wide-awake wistfulness in his eyes as they wandered over my face: drinking in every last detail as if he still couldn't believe that I was real. That his feelings were returned in full measure – flame and flower shared between the shores of my body and his.
It didn't matter to me that he was only solid against my own skin – a vapor of violet aftermath that only took vision when mirrored in the meaning lingering under my own eyelids. None of it mattered – he was more real to me than the rest of my life put together.
I had been a rock at the edge of the sea: letting the water wound me into stillness and submission – little more than a passive storage place for my stinging hurt. It had been Sunjae who had slipped past the ever-present silence – awakened the salt on my fingertips; the sweetbitter borders of my sand-stroked body.
Though my feet were forever bound; I was finally capable of movement – inseparable from the jolt of joy that joined my flesh to his, in an almost-flight of flickering devotion.
How could I bear to let it all go – to let him go?
I had delayed it for days – the watch a relic of witness to my own reluctance; a sharp reminder of my own shame.
I did not want to give the ghost of him up – the spirit of him like a spell of light under my limbs; the spectre of him like a spray of jasmine gentling my senses. No one could see Sunjae but me – the consecration that was the curve of his jaw was mine and mine alone. I was wretched enough to want it to stay – to want him to stay. To want him to outlast the lament of his own unfinished life.
But I couldn't be selfish – not when it came to this.
Not when it came to him.
I knew Sunjae had said that my memory was worth more to him than the return of his mortality – but how could I let him sacrifice the silk of his stoppered life?
The potential perfume of a future that could still be his – the ability to reverse his final moments. Who would I be if I took that away from him?
Sunjae deserved to live – to let the lilacs streaming over the street fall onto him – listen to the dark lilt of his hair. Whatever else he might have told me; I knew the truth of his longing – the lurch in his step whenever we passed his father's restaurant; the faint lines of red that had roved over his palms when he saw the news of Inhyuk departing Eclipse shortly after his death.
I was not the only one who loved Sunjae. I was not the only one who had learned the lacquered trimmings of loss and how they turned the insides of a heart completely hollow.
How could I deny the world the depth of his affection; the dimple at the corner of his mouth – the dear-gold glint of his laughter?
I had to give him his life back.
No matter how much it hurt.
No matter how much the haunting of him would harrow my hands; hasten the hardening of my home into a stone vault of sadness once again. It didn't matter that my life would lapse into layer after layer of darkness in a world where Sunjae was no longer mine – deep-clawed dust determining the rest of my years.
It didn't matter that his smile would smudge the insides of my irises like the innermost secrets of soot for every second after he was gone. None of it mattered – only that he was alive again.
Only that I could save him.
"Sol-ah," Sunjae's voice lapped against the fevered edges of my brain like cool lakewater. "Can you tell me something?"
I blinked up at him; the blunt ends of my heartbreak framing my face better than my own braided hair.
Anything.
Anything you want, Sunjae-ah.
His eyes were careful; oddly vulnerable as they lifted up from under the lyric-black of his lashes. It was a precious kind of pain – a delicate desolation; to withstand the weightless adoration of his gaze as he opened his mouth to speak; the room tinged with the topaz-won tenderness of his words.
"Sol-ah," he asked gently. "Can you – can you tell me why 'Sonagi' is your favorite out of all my songs?"
I couldn't keep the sorrow out of my smile.
"It's simple; really," I quietly answered Sunjae – the watch a constant cut of heat; caught in the forlorn fabric of my pocket. "It had rained for days after my accident – and I had begun to hate it; every part of it – the wetness; the weakness in my limbs: the wash of grey outside my windowsill. Then you released your song – and suddenly; I could see that my accident did not have to be the center of my own life. That there was someone out there who remembered the rain as a blessing because it brought them the person they loved – that what had hurt me might be a source of holiness for someone else."
Sunjae's features blossomed into the barest branch of red; his eyes blinking wide open.
"In a world where someone like you is possible," I continued softly; the silt of my grief sliding up the column of my throat. "Someone who can love another person so much that they see the rain as a sermon to uphold – I thought that I could find the strength to stay alive in a world like that; despite what had happened to me. And I did – and that's why it's still my favorite song to this day, Sunjae-ah."
You deserve to write so many more songs, Sunjae-ah.
You deserve to win the world over with your words.
Sunjae's face crumpled; crystals of salt collecting in his eyes as he reached for me instantly; the residual chill of his reed-thin fingers fluttering against my cheek as he gathered me into his arms.
"Sol-ah," his voice cracked; like fissures releasing into frost-kissed air. "Thank you. Thank you so much, sweetheart. I don't think I've ever deserved this much of your admiration. But that song….you have to know that I – that I wrote it for y-"
The doorbell rang; and Sunjae stopped mid-sentence; frustration funneling through his gaze. He let me go to the door alone without protest; and I closed my eyes as I picked up the delivery of health supplements that my 'eomma' had sent across for me. I would not be around to take them – I could not hold it at bay any longer.
I had to go back. I had to keep Sunjae alive.
Now's my chance, I thought; my eyelids burning with the brunt of my betrayal – with the thought of the look on Sunjae's face when he realized I had left him for a second time. Forgive me, Sunjae-ah. I'm doing this because I love you.
I pressed the dial on the watch.
I gasped as I felt the cold clasp of Sunjae's fingers furl around my own; his face inches from mine – his expression fierce and fervent.
"I knew you would do this," he said grimly; the green solemnity of his voice sinking into my skin as the world dissolved into silver around us. "And I'm not letting you go this time, Sol-ah."
It was too late to stop it – to stop any of it; as brightness bore a hole through my heartbeat; Sunjae's body simmering against mine as the starved hands of time hefted us into the past.
I could do nothing but cry out in desperation as daylight suddenly singed my sightline – Sunjae still a slender spiral of sound; steadfastly at my side. The sifted brown walls of my old high school slid into view, unchanged and unflattering; and Sunjae's eyes flared in shock – his hands still firmly holding onto my own.
"We really went back," he stammered; his voice a mere sigh of a syllable against the dry summer wind. "Sol-ah – we really went back to the past."
Wild panic pummeled its way through my palms as I realized that Sunjae had followed me here. That I wasn't alone as I had intended. What would happen to him now – a ghost in the gaping maw of his own lived past? What could I do to keep him next to me?
I turned to Sunjae then; filled with frantic terror – ready to rebuke him; banish him back into the present – anywhere I did not have to face the reproof rimming his gaze. But all of it fell away as I focused on his insubstantial silhouette – the patches of blank space bleeding through the remnants of his skin.
He was fading – fast. And I had done this to him.
I had brought him to this point.
It was my fault.
"No," I said – the horror hitting me like hailstones slammed against my hands – hovering against the disappearing shape of his shoulders; unable to catch onto him – call him into place. "No, Sunjae-ah!"
Sunjae looked down; seeing the spots of sunlight filtering through his frame. A sad smile sipped at his lips; the water of his words cascading down my cheeks.
"I thought this might happen if I went with you," he whispered; the slight outline of his slim hand passing through the planes of my face. "But I couldn't let you leave me, Sol-ah. Not again. I'm so sorry to be the one leaving you now."
"WHY!?" I sobbed; my chest caving in half as the clipped wings of Sunjae's collarbones began to disintegrate right in front of my eyes. "Why did you have to follow me, Sunjae-ah?"
Why do this to yourself?
Why make me watch you cease to exist all over again?
"Where you go, I go," Sunjae murmured; his lips lacing the edge of my mouth as I wept. "Even if that means I go into non-being for the sake of your name. Sol-ah; from the first moment that I saw you; I loved you. You belong to me more than my own breath."
"Every version of me, alive or dead – will love you," Sunjae's mouth was mere mist against my lips. "Lean on me in this timeline – in all timelines. Let me in; the way you couldn't back in our present. I was waiting for you to notice me – I was always looking in your direction; Sol-ah. My sight was seared in your image."
"No," I choked on my own tears; chips of pale-white pain pushing out of my ribcage. "Sunjae-ah, I'm sorry – I'm so sorry; I never meant for this to happen. Please don't say goodbye. Please, please…"
Please don't leave me.
Please.
Sunjae's eyes were stippled tips of starlight; winking out one by one. He kissed me one last time; the cool camphor of his mouth capturing mine with the clean finality of cotton.
"I wrote 'Sonagi' for you, Sol-ah," he whispered; his voice soft as grass growing over the graves. "You were the greatest gift the rain ever gave me."
I love you, the memory of his voice mingled with my tears; the air smelted with the valuable ore of his vanishing gaze. He disappeared with the inevitability of a dissolving dream – the last song of his soul-dark gaze like the lash of a whip against my soaked cheek.
"SUNJAE-AH!" I screamed; my voice ripping apart with the rawness of my regret. I had meant to bring his life back to him – not to erase his existence. Not this – never this. Not this ache where the actuality of his smile used to be. "Sunjae…I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…"
I didn't realize it had begun to rain until I felt the condensation cling to my hair – or that I could feel my legs again as my knees clutched the concrete; my legs folding under me as I fell to the ground; my nerve-endings drinking in the nectar of nascent movement after fifteen long years – even as my vision narrowed into nothing but grief.
I curled against the unforgiving cement; crying out for the ghost that had given me more life than all the beauty in the world put together.
But he was gone.
And he was never coming back.
"Sunjae-ah, this is all my fault," I grazed my cheek against the gravel; wanting the hurt – wanting to be hated by the very earth under my body for what I had done to him; wanting to be wet to the bone by the weals I had left behind where his wrists used to be. "I'm sorry….I'm so sorry…please say you forgive me…"
I blinked as a blue canopy suddenly covered my field of vision; a lean brown hand lowering it over my head. I froze; my heart halting in its rhythm of remorse as I realized who was now in front of me.
"What do I have to forgive you for?" asked Sunjae – alive and thrumming with health; his chest rising and falling in a rejoicing of breath. "Im….Sol?"
Notes:
...
ALL RISE FOR THE RETURN OF SUPERVILLAIN NYX!
did i wait until the most devastating point in the story to bring up 'sonagi?'
you bet your ass i did.
(please don't come at me with pitchforks at the ready; i promised you all a happy ending and you will get it. eventually.)
mwahahah.
sorry not sorry - though if it's any consolation; it hurt me a lot to write this and i teared up like a baby.
come scream at me in the comments: let it all out. :)
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 14: let us love this distance which is wholly woven (for those who do not love each other are not separated)
Summary:
ah, my angst & i...
still a better love story than twilight. xD
Notes:
chapter title taken from a letter sent by beautiful philosopher simone weil, to her friend gustave thibone.
sol's PoV throughout!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Flowers for no one – alive and sold on the street.
What did I think was promised in being?
~ Alex Dimitrov, from 'Impermanence'
/
Memory is not in the head
only. It's midnight,
you existed once, you exist
again, my entire skin
sensitive as an eye,
imprint of you
glowing against me,
burnt-out match in a dark room.
~ Margaret Atwood, from 'Memory'
let us love this distance which is wholly woven (for those who do not love each other are not separated)
I stared up at Sunjae; the tears in my eyes taking the shape of his faintly-frowning face. How was it possible to both mourn and celebrate an existence in the same exhalation?
But grief and joy were twinned in the twisted remains of my heart: grasping at the glowing, tan-tipped line of his features with fingers glistening and gnarled with loss. It was as though Sunjae's skin was a moving membrane of memory – through it I could almost sense the silver threads of his ghost; the lace-thin length of his once-dead hands.
But he had never been more alive than he was now: the sun a spray of gold gathering in his cheeks; the peonies in the trees above somehow less pink than the plush parting of his lips.
I had lost him and gained him all at once – gained the impossibility of the imprecise mahogany of his eyes; lost the no-longer dark and deathless depths of a gaze I had devoted myself to for all this time. Sunjae now was stranger and beloved in the same body; the blooming question of his mouth an answer I no longer knew – even though it had been inches away from mine only a few seconds ago.
"Why are you on the ground, crying like that?" Sunjae asked guardedly; and I marveled at the brusque marmalade of his voice – so much more now than mere breath on paper; so clear and so clean I could almost clasp the sound of it on my tongue. "I didn't make you cry, did I?"
Oh, Sunjae-ah.
How can I ever explain what it means for me to see you like this? That I've somehow found and lost you at the same time?
How can I ever make you understand?
My vision was little more than prism and prickling sorrow as Sunjae warily crouched down next to me; stretching out a strong, supple arm to help me up.
"Is something wrong?" The wine-soft weight of his voice was heady as the scent of my own heartbreak; wounding me into a wide-open state of vulnerability as I watched the vivid vee of his collarbones nearly take flight in the late afternoon daylight.
Suddenly; Sunjae's eyes tightened – his gaze narrowing into thin needlepoints. "Has someone been bullying you, Im Sol?"
I finally found myself capable of speech.
"N-No," I said shakily; my legs almost liquid as I rose to my feet. I was nearly numb to the new movement of my body – I could barely register the blister of feeling flowing through my spine. All I could think about was the nectarine-sweet surrender of Sunjae's eyes before they slipped into nothingness forever. All I could focus on were the dark brown-sugar shields that were his eyes now; shining into the wet shade under my own eyelids. I tried to smile up at him; wincing as even that small action pulled at my torn cheek. "I-I'm okay, Sunjae-ah."
"You're hurt," Sunjae said gruffly; his large hand lifting to linger against the side of my face. Longing leant out from the archway of my heart; achieving nothing but the neglect of its own wanting. "Come with me, Im Sol."
Pain: stinging as waspishly as thistle woven through with thorn; thumbed a bitter hand down my body – and I flinched. Sunjae's soft voice of the immediate, immaculate past; saying "Sol-ah"; doused with delicate adoration – settled around my ears like the slash of a best-loved blade. I shuddered; and Sunjae – the careful tint of his voice still capable of touching me with tenderness: turned to me in alarm.
Still; I would have followed him anywhere even if he hadn't asked me to: the flicker of the ghost I loved giving way to the galvanizing energy of his young body – yearning towards life in full measure. And life reached back – roved over his features with rose-red promise and rain-bright palms.
"Are you in a lot of pain?" Sunjae worriedly demanded; his hands hovering over the haunted bruise heating my cheek – scarlet spelling the syllables of his name.
Yes.
"No," I said in a small voice – aching to reach for his hand; to press my lips to the smooth pillars of his pale-no-longer fingers. "But…please…"
Sunjae's eyes softened slightly; his body subtly angling towards mine. "What is it?"
"Please," I begged softly – the burning flowers of my fruitless hope producing ash as perfumed as pollen. I was desperate for even a drop of the spirit I had spoken into existence against my own skin – for some sign of his soul still unlost underneath his lashes. "Please call me Sol-ah."
Please show me you're still my Sunjae.
Please let it be true that you know me, even now – even still.
Sunjae's footsteps stuttered to a stop; a brocade of briar-pink brushing across the tops of his cheekbones. The color was so beautiful – so soft; so alive with alchemized hope; that my lungs stilled at the sight. Down to the bones of his boyhood, Sunjae was alive - the pulse at the point of his throat the most beautiful movement in the world to me.
And still; the faded patina of his fleeting spectre sung out from below his skin – a liturgy only I could listen to. Only I could lament.
"W-We barely know each other," he stammered; and my heart sank – down into the bottomless dark of non-being; where my memory of Sunjae now belonged – unsolved and unsalvageable. "How can I…call you that…"
I tried to nod as cheerfully as possible; but despite my best efforts my eyes were still branded with tears – the razor-wire of my want reducing the curve of my wrists to cut skin crying out for his touch. For his love. For him to remember me – even though I knew it was impossible.
Even though I knew this was what I had wanted – for him not to be dead; not to be a desperate whisper in the dark that only knew one word: my name. For Sunjae to search out his own light; and not suffer at my side; invisible – intangible: for the rest of his solitary existence. He belonged in the sunshine; in the rain and its rapt attention on the rich lines of his frame – ready and in constant bloom.
But even so – even though this was what I had aimed towards: the loss of the Sunjae that knew me was like a lightning-rod of agony; limning my back.
Salt silted my eyelids; and I turned my face away – seeking even now the soothing stroke of Sunjae's hand against my cheek.
As if in answer; Sunjae's palms turned outwards – pale moons of unblemished skin; his fingers fluttering forward as if they recalled how it felt to have them framed across my face.
"D-Don't look like that," he said hurriedly – alarm and something softer; something keener – kindling in his eyes like woodgrain weaving through smoke. "I-I'll call you whatever you want, okay? Just please don't cry. Please…Sol-ah."
His voice misted into a low murmur around my name; molten orange and minted with new; intricate meaning. Despite myself; a tiny tendril of hope hilted around my heartbeat – tentative wings; fledgling-formed and fragile: flicking open behind my ribcage.
Maybe there was still a part of Sunjae that spoke to the silence layering my limbs. Maybe there was still a hidden place in the hollow of his throat where my lips belonged. Maybe he could still be mine.
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Every second of my time was stolen by the mere suggestion of his love. That I might still have it back.
That there was still a chance for us – that the charred petals of our funeral wreaths could reform into the possibility of a pearl-leafed spring.
Sunjae's throat bobbed apprehensively as he led me to the neighborhood's local pharmacy; carefully taking my arm and guiding me onto a nearby bench. "Wait here," he said raspingly; the register of his voice raw enough to raise goosebumps on my arms. I was still transfixed by the tuberose hue to his cheeks; the almost-halo of health and vitality that seemed to surround him in a corona of crisp, crackling potential. "I'll get you something for your face."
I settled against the forgiving stone of the bench; silent against the summer air. Sunjae took barely more than a few minutes; his long legs easily closing the distance between us as he held out a slim tube of ointment and a strip of gauze.
"Hold still," he said softly; sinking down on one knee as he slipped a slow hand under my chin; tugging my face lightly towards the side. "This might sting a bit."
The soreness was slight; and it didn't matter to me anyway – not when Sunjae's fingers were gently flickering across my cheek: dabbing on the ointment with delicate attention. Jewels of jaundiced yearning jabbed at my gaze – fresh tears flooding my cheeks as I recognized the elegant twist of his fingers; the opalescent ebb of his nails – nudging at my cheekbone nervously as he sealed the strip of gauze over my skin.
No other tenderness could compare to the tapestry of his touch – to the swan-soft glide of his hands; somehow still the same: gleaning even now all of my loyalty.
All of my love.
"Fuck, is it hurting a lot?" Sunjae asked frantically as he noticed the wetness seeping through the skin of my cheeks. "Should I take you to a doctor, Im S…um – Sol-ah? A hospital to check that this isn't infected? Or – "
He broke off with a barely suppressed gasp as I fell forward; straight into his arms – utterly unable now to keep the sobs salting through me at bay any longer. "S-Sunjae-ah," I wept; my hands fisting in the fabric of his training jacket. I could feel the sinew under his sleeve; the warm weight of his chest pressed underneath my own. His heartbeat; steady and measured as a metronome – was a lullaby I would now line my pillow with; lay across my blanket like lush silk: even as I mourned the myriad memories of his mouth against mine: the relic of an unreturnable ghost who had gathered all my love inside his smile and kissed it back into me. "Sunjae-ah…please…I just…"
I just want to thank you.
Thank you for still being here.
Thank you for still being alive.
Thank you for just being you.
I just want to remember you.
The you that went away – the you that loved me.
The you that looked at me like I was the only lyric you'd ever hoped to write.
"Just what?" Sunjae's voice was discolored with desperation; his hands rhythmic and gentle as they rubbed slow circles into the small of my back. "Tell me what you need, S-Sol-ah. I'll give you whatever it is – just please, please, stop crying."
I shivered in his arms; pitifully grateful for the protective way his palms wound around my waist: the shambles of my wasted wish nearly a visible shimmer of sharp hurt, shoving past my stubborn sternum.
"I need you," I whispered; the white bone of my want exposed through my words. "I need you, Sunjae – but you're already gone."
.
.
.
It had taken hours for my tears to slow into weary cessation; my throat scraped through with the sand of my sorrow. Sunjae had held me the whole while through; his hands strung against the harp of my waist – anchoring me in place as he murmured soft entreaties for me to stop; that I was breaking his heart – that it was killing him to see me like this.
How was it possible for him to look at me with the same amount of fractured longing as his lost self – the same dark fronds of desire deepening in his gaze?
How could Sunjae be so unchanged and yet still so different? How could he make my heart feel as though it were healing and halting all at once?
Late evening had already evicted all traces of light from the sky by the time I was calm enough to carry my own two feet forward – and even then I had clung to Sunjae the whole way home; the rough furl of his fingers like the first touch of drought-ending rain.
It was only when Sunjae had led me to my literal doorstep that I had realized that we were neighbors – that his window widened against mine.
It seemed fitting – Sunjae was the edge of my world and its absolute center: wherever I went or whatever I did he was as close as my own breath in the confines of my mind. Now he was closer than that in actual space, too. Perhaps it was even comforting; to know that the clasp of his hands was never far away from my searching fingers.
It did little to help me now as I sat huddled in my bed; midnight mumbling its disquiet into the dusk-shaped shell of my ears as I studied the indifferent dark of my room. I couldn't shake the sight of him at the gate of his house before he went in – the shattered hope in his eyes as he turned back to look at me – the shoals of vulnerability shearing through his gaze like the fins of a fish through water.
As if he had been hurting for me as much as I had been hurting for him – as if he had been longing for me as much as I had been longing for him. As if the sight of my face was a stone Sunjae could not stomach.
Yearning yawned; empty and vast – in the vanishing reaches of my heart. Every night for the last seven months I had fallen asleep with Sunjae at my side; his calloused hands carding through my hair - his breath buoying my dreams. I had counted the moles on his collarbone like coins from a foreign land from before brimming into forever - and now my body was humming with hollow loneliness; the starved cry of my own separation.
I couldn't keep myself from slipping out of bed and standing before the window – looking out at Sunjae's room: my hand flared against the glass like a lantern-signal of lingering ache.
I had to see him – the spell-soft soot of his lashes: the embroidery of veins vining up his neck.
My fingers scrabbled against the sill of the window as I palmed a loose pebble – lodging it towards the curtained contours of Sunjae's bedroom window. For a moment, there was absolute silence; root-edged as the resentment of the recalcitrant night: and then there was a soft 'snick' as Sunjae's window slid open; his sleep-soused face peering through.
"Sol-ah?" He blearily stared at me – his expression bewildered and tinted with tiredness. "It's the middle of the night. Is something wrong – do you need my help?"
I drank in the dazed look lilting his features – the faint dusting of shadow around the fine skin of his chin and cheeks. This was a face dearer to me than my own – dearer than anyone else's in the world put together.
I couldn't bear to be apart from it.
"I don't want to be alone," I said softly; watching the wide-struck movement of Sunjae's eyes as he absorbed my words. "Please let me stay with you tonight, Sunjae-ah."
Notes:
poor sol. :(
our little sunshine is being put through the wringer! (i say, as if i am not the one subjecting her to the said wringing.)
who's ready to witness highschool!era sunjae fall at sol's feet and accede to her every whim? :D
tell me all about it in the comments. :)
p.s: it happens to be this particular supervillain's birthday today (it is the 19th where i am.) i will be taking a break from writing/updating for the next two days so as to properly engage in drunken and debauched activities befitting a supervillain of my caliber at this most auspicious time of the year. *wink wonk*
i shall be back with a new chapter on the 21st!
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 15: there is a trembling inside the both of us (there is a trembling inside us both)
Summary:
fluffy and bittersweet. :)
Notes:
chapter title is taken from carl phillip's mesmerizing poem: "last night."
mitski is my queen! (hence the quote.)
split PoV - sol; then sunjae's!
btw - longest chapter yet! :D
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
I glow pink in the night in my room –
I've been blossoming alone over you.
And I hear my heart breaking tonight:
I hear my heart breaking tonight –
Do you hear it too?
It's like a summer shower,
With every drop of rain singing:
"I love you, I love you, I love you – "
~ Mitski, from the song 'Pink In The Night'
/
Love was a room I kept walking into.
~ Ruth Awad, from 'Sleepwalker'
there is a trembling inside the both of us (there is a trembling inside us both)
Sunjae's face flared into flower: silk-tipped peonies salting the skin of his cheek. His lips parted; lines of subtle pink stuttering themselves out of silence: and into speech. "Y-you want to spend the night with m-me?" He stammered; the chipped-by-barely-there-stubble curve of his cheeks almost churning into wheels of color. "But w-why?"
I studied him carefully; collecting the facets of his features like precious cargo lifted from the sea: the boyhood softness of his jaw, the floppy hair falling over his forehead, the stamped-clean strokes of his collarbones.
Why did I want to spend the night with him?
Because I miss you, Sunjae-ah.
Because seeing you alive doesn't stop me from grieving your ghost.
Because I need to feel you next to me to even imagine thinking of myself as whole.
"I just do," I said quietly; the defeated slump of my shoulders like shocks of disappointment sheathed in my body. He would say no; I knew it – he barely knew me; and I would have to cradle the broken bones of this bodiless night on my own. I would wander the mortuary that was my memory all alone – and I couldn't bear it. Please, Sunjae-ah…I can't…
Sunjae paused; indecision like the indistinct wings of a myna bird mystifying his gaze. I held my breath; waiting for him to halt what was left of my heartbeat. To freeze the furled edges of my fingertips into an absolute lack of feeling. Sunjae-ah…don't…
"You want to spend the night with me," he repeated slowly; awkwardly patting his own chest. "Me – Ryu Sunjae."
Despite myself: a slight smile stung at my mouth – I couldn't blame the blush that was spreading like a secret stain over Sunjae's sleep-smeared face. I couldn't expect him to know how special he truly was to me – or the sanctity his soul had once represented to my own. How could he have known? How could I have told him?
"Do you happen to know any other Sunjae's?" I couldn't resist teasing him slightly – just to see the flush on his features flame into further being. "Yes, you." Always and forever, you.
"O-Okay," Sunjae gulped; the gasp of pink still not giving way to the glowing brown of his skin – like toffee toasted to a tinted gold: the same hue as the hum of my elation at his acquiescence to my request. "If you want to…then – then o-okay. But I can't open the door for you downstairs – my 'appa' might hear me. You, uh, you might have to climb out of your window to get over here."
A hint of trepidation huddled under my ribcage – hovering just above my sternum.
There was very little distance marking my window and his – mere millimeters. Both of our houses were low-level; so the drop itself would be negligible even if I did fall. Still; I was afraid – I'd never attempted to slip out of my own house like this before – much less for a boy.
But it was this boy – this boy with the burnished-bronze dimple at the side of his mouth; this boy whose beating heart was a miracle my own memory couldn't have conjured up by itself.
I could do this for him – I could do much more, even.
Sunjae's face softened as he opened his window; his arms stretching out to me with such open sweetness that I felt myself sink inevitably into the steady syrup of his gaze. "Trust me," he murmured. "I won't let you fall…Sol-ah."
A brief flicker of warmth fluttered to life in my chest – a slow-stoked ember of expectation as I gingerly clambered out onto my windowsill; my toes tipped over the ledge. "Careful," he murmured; reaching forward and gathering me in his arms easily. Faint heat filtered through my fingers as Sunjae effortlessly lifted me up; his movements painstakingly cautious as he lowered me down into his room. "I've got you, Sol-ah."
I opened my mouth to thank him; and then let out a startled yelp as I overbalanced while Sunjae's arms dropped to his sides. I fell forward on top of him; knocking him to the ground with an alarmed 'oof.'
Sunjae stared up at me silently; deep-red dusting the tops of his cheekbones. I could hear the drum of his heartbeat under mine; a frenetic rhythm framing my own chest into a fervor of motion. He made no attempt to stir from his position; his eyes wide and dark and wonderstruck against my face. Sunjae's hands were tawny tenants of movement: waiting at the doorstep of my waist – newcomer hope nudging his palms forward.
"I have to be dreaming," he told himself dazedly; his voice a breath between desire and longing. "There's no way you're actually on top of me right now, Im Sol."
Scarlet solved the question of my skin as I hastily sprang away from Sunjae; puffs of air pillowing against my cheek as I panted for control of my breath. The weight of him was so different now: a particular kind of heavy warmth and honeyed smoothness that sang against the un-soothed ache of my subdued body. It was all I could do to keep myself from clinging onto him – from taking his hand and telling him that he was what I loved most in the world. That he always had been – and that he always would be.
"You're not dreaming," I said breathlessly; a bruise-red blush still brushing across my cheeks as I stepped further into his room. My eyes instantly drifted towards his bed – the rumpled sheets and the rough indentation of where his body had rested causing longing to rise in a riot of burning, up the borders of my throat. "Sorry about um, tripping on you, Sunjae-ah…"
"It's fine," he replied a little unsteadily; following the direction of my gaze – the tip of his nose turning a tell-tale pink. "You can…sit there; if you want…I – "
I didn't wait for Sunjae to finish his sentence; eagerly crossing over to his bed and curling up against the cashmere-blue comfort of his bedsheets. I hugged one of his pillows to my chest – it still smelled of him: sandalwood and soap and the merest hint of mandarin. I inhaled deeply; and it was only when I looked back up at Sunjae; and his slack-jawed expression: that I realized that my behavior could be construed as improper.
My cheeks turned ruddy; a russet-toned tremble gently tracing its way down my back. "S-Sorry," I apologized immediately. "I can – I can sit somewhere else if I'm making you uncomfortable; I don't want to – "
"No, don't," Sunjae objected at once; his face heating up. "It's not a problem. You, uh, you actually look really nice in my bed, Sol-ah, I – oh fuck."
Sunjae broke off with a spluttered curse; his face blazing with bright-red blots of color. "I didn't – I didn't mean to say that," he protested weakly as he saw the dumbfounded look on my face. "I only meant that it's nice to see you in bed, Sol-ah – no!"
"Oh god," Sunjae groaned; burying his face in his hands as he turned beetroot-red. "I didn't – I didn't mean to say that either. Can you – can you please just forget that the last five minutes ever happened?"
A tiny smile touched my lips; even as my own cheeks were covered with crimson embarrassment. I wasn't used to seeing Sunjae like this – tongue-tied and fidgeting with his fingers; his face almost timid – as if he expected to be turned away at any second.
"It's okay," I responded reassuringly. "I'm not mad or anything, Sunjae-ah." You're so adorable.
A look of vast relief stole over Sunjae's still-red face. "Thanks," he said gruffly, pulling up a chair near the edge of his bed and sitting down on it slowly. "So…what now, Sol-ah?"
I didn't answer him at first; instead drinking in the details of his room. It was pretty; blue and cream with patterned curtains – pictures of him participating in various swimming competitions tacked up on the walls. It looked lived in; slightly messy – a room that was well-loved. This was Sunjae's private place – where he thought and slept and dreamed. And he'd let me into it unquestioningly – had seemed even secretly pleased by it. Could it be that he still recognized me, somehow?
There was a loose sheaf of paper spread across his old, oaken desk – it looked to be song lyrics; spikily-scribbled and scratched out often. Had he written 'Sonagi' already for me? Could it be that a part of him loved me; even now – even still?
Despite my best efforts; hope harbored a place for itself inside my chest: lifting its ravaged face; resolute still – and undeterred.
I could not make it turn away from me. If I were to be entirely honest – I didn't even want to.
"Tell me something," I murmured; desperation driving me to darken his hand with the shadow of my own. Sunjae shifted; eying me with curiosity and more than a bit of apprehension. "Are you happy, Sunjae-ah?"
Was losing you this way worth it?
Was listening to you tell me you loved me for the last time worth it?
Was looking at you knowing that my life would be lettered with your name forever after you left – worth it?
Sunjae blinked; clearly not expecting the question I had asked of him. "Happy…" he said musingly; tasting the word as if it were a foreign fruit on his tongue. "I don't know, Sol-ah… I've never given much thought to whether I'm happy or not – there's so much to do that it never strikes me to wonder about it. But…"
His eyes scanned my face; searching its depths for something – though I didn't know what it was. But that didn't matter – whatever he wanted from me; I would give it. I would give it with both hands and be grateful that there was still a part of him left that felt something for me at all.
"But…" Sunjae's gaze was heavy on my own; yet his lips lifted up a little as he spoke. "I think things might be looking up for me now, Sol-ah."
"Good," I whispered; exhaustion extending its arms around me as I leaned forward – I couldn't keep from seeking out his skin any longer: his nearness – the tincture that only his touch could bring me.
"Stay happy always, Sunjae-ah," I exhaled; mapping the slope of his cheek with my mouth. I felt it warm under my lips; his breath hitching as I fell into his arms for the second time that night; succumbing to the waves of tiredness – the totality of my loneliness after the loss of his ghost larger than the ocean. "I want you to stay happy…"
I want you to stay alive; even though your death was the only thing that brought us together.
My eyes slid shut; the coffin of my vision closing finally. As always; my last thought was of him – my spirit and boy and spell-work of love all at once – Sunjae. My Sunjae; even if he never knew it. Even if I never told him; he was mine. He belonged to me.
Sunjae-ah, I love you.
Every version of you; past and present…
Please can you love me too?
~ / ~
I didn't dare to move even a muscle.
Sol was practically straddling my lap; her face tucked against my shoulder – the injured one. The soreness was making my teeth grit together; but I refused to stir or disturb her sleep. I could scarcely believe that this was happening at all – this girl who had been the sun in my life for as long as I could remember; distant and wistful with all my unexpressed warmth at her side – I the unassuming earth helplessly in her orbit.
She was in my arms now; her face trusting and open – and I could feel my heart like a triplehammer in my chest; testing out the rhythms of her name. Taking apart the syllables of her soft; unconscious sighs.
"Sunjae-ah," she murmured fitfully; her diminutive fist furled against my chest – right over my heart. "Have – have to save you…can't let it happen again…"
I frowned; perplexed.
Was she having a nightmare? Was she not comfortable; perhaps? Carefully; wary of waking her up – I lifted Sol into my arms; gently setting her down on the bed and drawing my blanket over her. She shifted onto her side, muttering my name restlessly; her hair streaming like a river of dark satin over the sleek white of my pillowcase.
I felt my throat tighten; color beginning to bloom once again in my cheeks. I couldn't deny that there was a primal part of me that enjoyed seeing the soft rise of Sol's skin on my bed; the quiet whispers of my name coming from her parted lips; impossibly and unbearably red as they were. She was so tantalizingly close – and yet so far.
I shook my head vigorously; unsuccessfully attempting to rid myself of my less-than-innocent thoughts. Sol had barely even spared me a second glance until today – I wasn't going to ruin this before it even had the chance to begin. So I simply watched her as the hours passed; the moon melting into nothingness as the night wore on.
"Sunjae-ah," she said again when it was almost dawn; her arm fluttering at her side like a semi-crescent of cushioned heat. Slowly; I took Sol's hand in my own – trying to calm her down - soothe her with my touch. I marveled at the delicate strength of her hand; the small weight of it against my skin.
"I'm here," I reassured her quietly. "I've always been here, Sol-ah."
I joined my palm to Sol's; the slim arc of her lifeline flowing into my own: rich fabric that redoubled the force of my heart.
"You are going to be the death of me, Im Sol," I whispered – and felt a preternatural chill press against my spine; as if my body recognized a truth that my soul did not – and would not. "I don't even mind it one bit – not at all."
Another hour marched on; and I was motionless in my chair; sleep a far-off improbability: awash as I was in the tide of Sol's breathing; the tinted fragility of her sleeping face. Finally; when the sun furrowed its brow over the horizon – I lightly shook her shoulders, succeeding in rousing her.
"My 'appa' will be up any minute now," I said regretfully; my heart doing a lopsided flip-flop behind my ribcage as I saw Sol blink up at me slowly; her hair endearingly ruffled. She was so cute it made my chest hurt. "Come on, I'll help you out the window, Sol-ah."
Just as Sol got out of my bed; I heard my father's footsteps approaching the door to my room.
"Damn it," I swore; diving under the covers and pulling Sol back inside the blanket with me. She let out an adorable squeak; which in other circumstances might have caused my heart to stop mid-motion. "You have to be quiet, Sol-ah. Please, we can't get caught."
Apple-red approached the tops of her cheeks as tenderly as a lover might; and despite my father's imminent arrival, I could focus on nothing but Sol's presence – the quintessential quiver of her scent silting my limbs: vetiver and cinnamon and smooth verbena; her lips lingering inches away from my own.
"Adeul," my father knocked at my door impatiently. "Are you up yet? You have swimming practice soon!"
"I'll be out in a second!" I yelled back; entirely enamored by the soft thickness of Sol's hair; tickling my cheek. I heaved a sigh of relief as my father's footsteps retreated; his voice a low grumble rapidly fading in volume.
Hastily; I moved away from Sol; my skin singed with even this brief amount of contact – helping her make her way back to her own window ledge.
"Thank you for letting me stay last night," Sol said shyly; her cheeks still crushed a kissable pink. "I know it wasn't exactly what you wanted, Sunjae-ah."
Oh, it was exactly what I wanted.
I schooled my face into a neutral expression. "You're welcome," I said stiffly – and then regretted it as Sol's face faltered slightly, her lips trembling a little.
Fuck.
Frantically; I cast about for a way to salvage the small smile back onto her face. "Um," I stammered. "Do you – do you want to take something from my room – like a…like a keepsake?"
Sol blinked at me from behind her own window; flummoxed. "W-What…?"
Please smile at me again.
Please don't look so sad, the way you were before.
Inspiration struck as I saw my father's meticulously maintained sunflowers; neatly lining my windowsill. "Here," I said quickly; unceremoniously uprooting the plants and stretching across the space between our windows to surrender them into Sol's arms. "Yellow's your favorite color, isn't it?"
Sol's face brightened a little; a subtle lightness falling upon her lips – and instantly my pulse quickened. "How do you know that?" She said softly; clearly pleased. "I don't think I've ever told you."
I've seen you wear it every day for over a year, Sol-ah.
"Just a hunch," I said brusquely; fighting to keep the grin off my face as Sol held the flowers against her arms; stroking the petals contentedly. I'd uproot every last bit of foliage in the house for her; if it meant I could see that look on her face again. I would have said more to Sol, her face partially obscured by her bedroom curtain – but the door to my own room flew open; my father impatiently waiting at the other end.
"Adeul, you are going to be late," he said waspishly; holding a dough-covered rolling pin in his hand with the imperious air of a policeman commandeering a baton. "Hurry up and – "
He halted with a tragic wail; spotting the remnants of the empty flowerbed lining my windowsill.
"What have you done to my babies?" He demanded with traumatized eyes. "You wretched boy!"
I gazed at him with alarm as he approached me, the rolling pin held high in the air. "Appa," I said placatingly – but it was of no use. He chased me around the room; hurling colorful epithets while brandishing the rolling pin like an instrument of mass destruction. My skin was nearly crawling apart with humiliation as I thought of Sol; watching this spectacle from her own window. I chanced a look in her direction – and felt my heart stutter to a standstill.
Sol was laughing: her voice a high peal of humor – more golden than the gleam of the mid-morning sun. Her eyes were day-decorated coal; the dimple at the corner of her mouth dancing me into oblivion. I had never seen her laugh before – at least not like this; her gaze crinkling at the corners with unrestrained mirth.
Any chance I had of ever escaping the dint of my devotion to her disappeared with the morning's early fog; wisps washed away by the woven thread of her laughter.
I was hers. Whether she knew it or not – I was hers.
And I vowed to myself that I would make Sol laugh like that every day – if she'd let me.
If only she would let me.
Notes:
... did ya miss me and my personal brand of tender angst? xD
(it took me two whole days to recover from my promised debauchery.)
i love using motifs and symbolism in my writing - the "myna bird" is native to the indian subcontinent (where i live) and other parts of south asia - they pair for life; and are therefore known to be a symbol for undying love. :)
i also want to share a little something! as advertised; i spent my birthday drinking and having fun - during my dinner party; i asked my waitress to take a photo of me since she seemed really sweet and approachable. she agreed very happily - and of course took my phone. now: both my lockscreen and homescreen are lovely runner wallpapers - and this beautiful lady saw that and immediately started jumping up and down with excitement; declaring that lovely runner was her favorite show. whereupon i too; started dancing with happiness while we bonded and fangirled over LR. the entire restaurant was staring at us, but we didn't care. xD
it was just such a cute and adorable moment - and the perfect end to my birthday! 333
moment of silence for ryu geun-deok; who only wants to grow plants in peace and had a rude awakening this morning to his son's loser-like ways. XD
come gush about this chapter in my comments; it'll make my day!
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 16: i am your mould – but the shape of you is true absence (you are still suspended in me, beautiful and frozen)
Summary:
hehe.
you shall see. ;)
sunjae's PoV throughout!
Notes:
the first half of the chapter title is taken from a poem by fatima aamer bilal; the second from a poem by margaret atwood: titled "tricks with mirrors."
the interview by shastra deo is worth checking out - she talks about memory; ghosts; displacement; and even a thing or two about fanfiction! a simple google search should come up with the link for the same. :)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
I think ghosts are memory – memory haunts bodies, haunts places, haunts the narratives that hold our minor and miraculous lives together. Ghosts are that which return and return and return. The body has its own hauntings, too: phantom limb sensation, organ transfer memory, the traumatic self. And others.
~ Shastra Deo, from an interview for 'Liminal Mag'
i am your mould – but the shape of you is true absence (you are still suspended in me, beautiful and frozen)
In my dream – I was floating.
The water was a mere wisp of memory – the chlorine a kerosene blue keenness in the bridge of my nose; cutting half-coins of light through the lines of my face.
There were things glittering in the pool: with a nearly ominous sheen; as though what was awaiting below was plundered treasure. The objects kissed the water with kaleidoscopic intent – a sleek long-handled umbrella; its spine billowing out into black flower; a slim golden book, bronzing the bottom of the pool – and a battered stopwatch – my own watch; but I had never seen it look so old.
Where was I?
It looked like the school gymnasium – and yet not. Fog; like the fine hands of cool indifference – was filling up the space with step-soft chill; a green tinge to the tiles tucked under my wet feet. The air seemed almost interstitial: inanimate yet possessed by an invisible potential. I had the sinking sensation that something was watching me – or someone, a presence both bitter and disembodied; blooming like a bruise under my bated breath.
I looked into the pool; the pulse of the water almost paranormal in its eeriness – goosebumps grazing the skin of my back. Something was definitely here – the implacable gaze of a garnered force flickering firmly against my body. But what was it? Who was it?
Suddenly; the water began to churn in the pool – and disquiet as ancient as dust devolved the flesh of my throat to little more than feeling. I hastily clambered out; electric bells alarming the freezing altitude of my skin. Fear flared to life inside my limbs; frost-tipped and taloned with cold.
It rose out of the water like a reclamation: a river-thin runnel of a body; hands wide and white as weightlessness. I could see the patina of the bleachers through its palms; the silk-wet slide of its lashes as wet as the water it had come from. The catch of its coat was a distended wing of darkness – the ends curling in the chlorinated liquid like coal-colored asp tails.
Panic pushed its way past my ribcage as I realized I was staring out at the salt-pale stillness of my own face – but it was my face as I had never known it: older; sadder; studded with heartache and silver around the edges.
"Wh-What is this," I whispered through stiff; unmoving lips – unable to tear my gaze away from the glimmering fadedness of my own features. "What…are you?"
"Nothing more than a memory," he – (me) responded; his voice soft as smoke on the wind. "One that belongs to someone else. I don't have the time to explain, Sunjae. You need to listen to me."
I stared at him; this apparition appealing to some innermost part of my soul: recognizing the rimmed longing in his rain-dark eyes. How could he look like me and yet seem like nothing more than a sigh separated from the air? How could I hear him and taste the texture of my own voice?
"You need to stay close to Sol," he said – and though his voice was as brittle as breath on paper; his whole face - my whole face changed as he said her name; starbursts of sweetness steeping quietly into the sorrow of his mouth. "Loving her isn't enough, Sunjae. You need to look after her. You can't let it happen again – not this time."
"Let what happen?" I repeated numbly; foreboding as frightening as the claws of a nameless beast inexorably clasping me by the skin of my throat – but the figure was disappearing fast; the remnants of his eyes ridged points of regretful flame. "Is Sol in danger? What is it – what can I do to stop it?"
"What you should've done in the first place," he said; his voice bleeding into blank space as his hands melted into something beyond mist; his body blazing into nothingness even as I watched. "Reach her in time, Sunjae. Save her this time….please…never leave her side…"
Never let her go, the lastness of his voice lingered in my lungs; tasteless and teeming with want. Never let her suffer anything you can spare her from, Sunjae. Never let her forget that she is loved…
The water settled into silence again; leaving me staring at solid, empty space – the gymnasium deathless and still; deep with the departing desperation of my own self.
I woke up with a jolt; my body jerking as I gasped for breath; sweat pouring down my unsettled skin.
What had I just seen?
.
.
.
I walked slowly to school; my mind muddied by the mulch of my own bewilderment. I had never dreamed so vividly before – never seen the viscous outlines of my own self; the venom of an unidentifiable dread dredging itself up into being inside my own words.
What had it meant?
What was I supposed to do for Sol?
I blinked as I saw her slender frame blocking my path; the small-sifted softness of her face set into lines of grim determination. It was as easy as breathing; the brink of my own adoration upon which I now stood – it was effortless as inhalation to bring myself to the belief that she needed me; that I needed to stay close to Sol.
Already I wanted to preserve the petal-delicacy of the dimple at her cheek; protect the sweetapple-stain stippling her cheeks. It was no sacrifice to spell myself into her service – to dedicate the disjointed devotion dodging at my heels to her name. If there truly was something out there tainting her future; or the flute-finned freckles of her face: then I would do whatever I had to do to stop it.
Whatever it took from me as a result – I was ready to give it. To pay whatever price was owed from me.
And I had a feeling that it might cost me everything.
"Sunjae-ah," Sol's voice lifted me out of my reverie; the lemon-scent of my own longing suffusing the sound of her measured words. "I'm sorry, but I can't let you go for swimming practice today."
I quirked an eyebrow; slightly amused by her resolute statement.
"And why is that?" I asked offhandedly; narrowly resisting the urge to pull her plump cheek.
"Because I know about your shoulder," she responded immediately; her face pinched with needle-sharp anxiety. "You can't strain your injury, Sunjae-ah, it's too dangerous!"
"I'm fine," I automatically responded; then frowned as her sentence sunk in. How was Sol aware of the extent of my injury? I had been hiding it for months – I hadn't even told my father. Suspicion stymied my fingertips as my hands fisted; defensive at my sides at her probing words.
"How do you know about that?" I demanded; my brow furrowing. "I certainly don't remember telling you, Sol-ah."
I don't want you thinking of me as weak – not you.
Never you.
"Oh, um," Sol flushed a flower-soft pink; and my mouth dried a little at the pretty dotting of color on her cheeks. "I just noticed that your shoulder was stiff that other night in your room…"
"Anyway," she added hastily as I narrowed my eyes at her; not quite believing her explanation. "The point is you can't practice today, Sunjae-ah! I won't let you do that and get even worse!"
I suppressed a smile at the stubborn tilt of her pointed chin. She was too adorable for her own good.
"Oh, really?" I leaned down until my face was level with hers; my eyes focused on the flickering heat of her heart-shaped face. "And how exactly are you going to stop me, Sol-ah?"
Her blush deepened; but she defiantly lifted her gaze up to mine – her tone practically inviting me to challenge her.
"I'm going to stay right here," she said obstinately; stretching her arms out to the sides. "And stand in your way so you can't move, Sunjae-ah!"
I snorted; barely keeping the smile off my face – thoroughly entertained by her antics. Part of me was miffed that she was trying to influence my actions; but I couldn't deny that a larger half of me was thrilled that she was taking such an interest in my life. That she even cared enough to interfere.
Mischief minted my mouth as I eyed Sol appraisingly – swooping forward in the next second to scoop her up in my arms. She let out a surprised yelp as I lifted her up until her face was in front of mine; my hands halted over her cardigan-covered waist. "Now who's the one that can't move, Sol-ah?" I teased softly; relishing the red hue roving over her face as she spluttered with shock.
"P-Put me down!" Sol squealed; wriggling in my grip as I leisurely walked toward the gymnasium of Jagam High; her face flaming with embarrassment. "People are staring, Sunjae-ah!"
"Should have thought of that before trying to stop me from swimming," I grinned; loth to let her go. She fit so perfectly in my arms – the slight weight of her irresistibly warm against my skin. "I think I'll just carry you around with me to keep you from creating trouble, Sol-ah."
My cute little nuisance.
"What do you think?" I grinned; lifting her up higher until her mouth was just inches away from my own. The urge to kiss her was so strong it was almost dizzying; caught as I was in the dream-swell of her soft lips. "Want to be my little doll for the day, Sol-ah?"
Sol gaped at me; her cheeks cherry-red, her mouth parting in a disbelieving gasp. Then her eyes slitted dangerously; and I released a startled squawk as she knocked her head against mine – my arms dropping to my sides as I immediately let her go with a pained groan.
"Yah, Ryu Sunjae," she said waspishly; swatting my arm with petulant annoyance. "Show me some respect, will you? I'm older than you, you brat!"
"What the hell did you just headbutt me for?" I nearly yelled; aggrievedly rubbing the red mark on my forehead. "That hurt – and we're literally the same age!"
"No we aren't," Sol said mulishly; but there was a trace of pink still tinting the tops of her cheeks. I hid my smirk as we finally reached the swimming pool – the fellow athletes looking at the two of us curiously. "If you're so determined to practice; then fine, Sunjae-ah – but I'm going to stay right here and watch you so that I know you're staying safe!"
"Suit yourself," I said nonchalantly; but I was biting the inside of my cheek to keep from beaming. I'd secretly always wanted to show off my swimming skills for Sol – hoping that it might win me her favor. It appeared that I was finally getting my wish. I watched Sol out of the corner of my eye as she took a seat amongst the bleachers; subtly flexing my muscles as I stripped down to my swim trunks.
I dove into the water with ease; my muscles cutting through the curved chlorine of the pool like it was butter. I was painfully conscious of Sol's gaze on me; cataloguing my every move as I completed lap after lap – the sillage of her bright smile scenting my nose; the sound of her clapping hands as I executed a particularly difficult manoeuvre setting my lungs aflame.
Suddenly; my shoulder twinged – and before I could hold myself back; I winced – my hand flying immediately to the slope of my skin.
"Sunjae-ah!" Sol cried out in alarm; racing out from the bleaches to reach my side. I tried to wave my hand in protest; but the movement pulled at my shoulder – and I flinched at the flash of pain. Sol's heel caught on the coarse tile as she ran toward me; the floor slippery with water – a sharp gasp escaping her lips as she fell into the pool with a loud splash. "I – oh!"
Instantly; I swam to Sol's side – and felt my heart turn over in my chest at the sight of her; soaked to the bone. Her clothes stuck to her like a second skin; hugging the shape of her waist with the intimacy of a husband's hands. The dark sheet of her hair streamed like satin-rope over her shoulders; her heart fluttering with the fragility of a hummingbird hovering in the air against my chest as I pulled her to me.
The water seemed to respond to her weight; turning white-hot against the want of my fingers as they furled across Sol's flushed face.
I didn't know how I had suddenly become lucky enough to win the light of her look – the lash-soft lilt of her eyes on my own; but I had to ask. I had to be convinced that this was no longer a figment of my imagination – an actual reality; acute as the yearning yawning open beneath my skin.
"Why?" I whispered; watching the condensation curl into Sol's soot-smooth hair. "Why do you suddenly care so much about me, Sol-ah?"
Notes:
PSYCH! x2.
(did ya really think ghost!sunjae was gone forever? did ya? MWAHAHAH.)
scream all about it in the comments - make my day. :)
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 17: sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof that you've been ruined
Summary:
sweet, fluffy goodness.
(and a tiny little dose of reality at the end...) xD
Notes:
chapter title is taking from ocean vuong's stunning novel: 'on earth we're briefly gorgeous.'
i read it during my first year of college - it is largely responsible for opening me up to the immense possibilities of language and literature.
since then i've read better books - but this one was the beginning of my journey as a writer and poet and thus will always be special to me - i'm beyond grateful for its existence.
sunjae's PoV throughout - with a timejump of a few days in the middle!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
You're an angel. Tenderness,
as if embarrassed by that word's
meaning, stammers you're an angel.
What else could you be?
~ Robert Walser, tr. Daniele Pantano; James Reidel from 'Fairy Tales: Cinderella'
/
I'm tired, can't
think of a thing, and my sole wish is to lay my head in your
lap, feel your hand on my head, and stay that way through all
of eternity –
~ Franz Kafka, from 'Letters to Milena'
sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof that you've been ruined
Sol's eyes widened; ebony and embered with wistfulness weightier than the water that surrounded us. I didn't know why it was there – this barrier soft as sunbaked clay; but a barrier all the same: separating me from the sense of great sadness emanating from her; spilling from her hair like ink – gathering across her shoulders like a cloak of close-binding sorrow. Whatever it was; I wanted it gone – wanted the gasping emptiness in her breath to break itself into non-existence. I didn't want her to be sad; to listen to me with loss lurching to prominence in her lungs – I didn't want there to be any borders between us.
I wanted nothing but happiness to hinge itself at her door – decorate the scarlet space between her lips. I wanted her – all of her.
"Why I suddenly care," Sol repeated my question soundlessly; like she was uttering the words to a spell she had long forgotten until now; the sentences swimming to life underneath her wet fingertips. "Sunjae-ah…"
My heart slammed against the saltstone walls of my chest as Sol drew closer to me; the light sweetness of her scent lingering on my skin even more than the sharp chlorine of the pool. She quietly looked up at me; her lashes long threads of silver liquid – and I felt my throat tighten at the intimate touch of her gaze.
"I should have always cared," she whispered; the white fan of her skirt in the water sending a searing frisson of electricity floating down my spine; the sight of her milky tea-tanned thighs titling my cheeks into a totality of pink. "I should have seen what was right in front of me, Sunjae-ah. I'm sorry I'm so late – but I'm here now. I'll keep you safe, I promise."
I don't need safety, Sol-ah.
I need you.
Speech sunk to its knees in the knot of my throat as Sol's face lowered; her lips finding the line of my injured shoulder in a silent; seconds-stopping kiss. Time seemed to touch its forehead to hers in a testament to devotion; the soreness in my shoulder shuddering apart into shimmering curlicues of heat.
I tried to reach back for Sol – to respond to the dear-won delicacy of her mouth morphing my tense muscle into a membrane of tenderness; but my legs suddenly slipped against the slickened tile of the bottom of the pool – and I went down with an undignified squawk; swallowing down mouthfuls of medicated water.
Goddamnit Ryu Sunjae, I cursed under my breath; my face exploding into an expression of color. Call yourself a champion swimmer and then capsize in the water like that after one kiss?
And not even a proper kiss, I grumbled to myself in silence; desperately trying to avoid drinking in the dimpled softness of Sol's mouth; tantalizing me with its near-yet-far distance. Maybe if I act like it's hurting a lot she'll kiss it again…
"Sunjae-ah," Sol said in alarm as she watched me flounder in the pool; my face flushed the hue of honeyed peach-preserve. "Is it your shoulder? Is it very painful right now?"
"Let me help," she said hurriedly; her arms wrapping resolutely around my frame. I barely suppressed a splutter of shock as she held me close; the gentle swell of her breasts joining against the bare skin of my chest in her faltering attempts to support my weight. "Sunjae-ah, what do you need?"
My heart hammered to a stop behind the red roots of my ribcage.
"I need you to keep your hands to yourself," I replied gruffly; fighting to keep my tone even – to not let it betray the extent of my breathlessness as I lifted her out of the water; depositing her onto the floor of the relatively-empty gymnasium. You're killing me, Sol-ah.
As I set Sol down; the strained flesh of my shoulder stung in protest – and I couldn't keep the pained groan from escaping my lips as the injury flared to life again in my limbs. Sol's hands instantly curled around my arms; her mouth parted in panic. "We need to get you to a hospital," she urged frantically as I clumsily made my way out of the pool, my movements off-kilter and uncoordinated. "You need to get that shoulder looked at, Sunjae-ah – right now!"
"I'm fine," I insisted through gritted teeth; even as my body pulsed with pain – like pokers of hot wire wedged under my skin. I didn't want her to know that I was hurting – I didn't want her to think of me as weak; as requiring of extra help or attention. I didn't want to see the worry on her face; the pinched anxiety anchoring itself to her achingly concerned features. "It's nothing major, Sol-ah."
"What do you mean it's nothing major?" Sol demanded; tugging impatiently at my uninjured arm. "You're clearly in pain, Sunjae-ah. We're going to the hospital right now – come on!"
"No!" My voice came out louder than I had intended as I shook myself free of her grip. "I don't want to go to the hospital with you, Im Sol!"
I don't want you to see me like this.
I don't want to get used to having you around when I don't know if you feel the same way I do. When I don't know if you'll even want to stay with me, Sol-ah.
Sol flinched away from the flame of rebuke in my words; and instant regret flooded the expanse of my throat as I watched her face fall. "You…you don't want me there with you?" She mumbled; her voice small and all-of-a-sudden dim and doubtful at the edges. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable; I was just worried that you were hurting a lot, Sunjae-ah…"
Fuck.
"No, no," I stammered; frustratedly running a hand through the soaked fronds of my hair. "It's not that, Sol-ah. I just…"
I stared at Sol helplessly. What was it about her that dusted my defenses into little more than the denizens of gold banding her arms – rendered me into nothing except a raw receptacle awaiting her touch; her words – her comfort?
Why did I need the warmth nestling in the narrow narrative of her eyes – the careful curve of her wrist corralling my heartbeat into humming to its concordance? Why did I want so much to lay my head in her lap; surrender to the harmony of her hands and admit how hard these months had been – how the constant practice and rehabilitation had sapped me of all my strength and resolve?
Why did I desire the dizzying possibility of her closeness as much as I did? Why was Sol all I wanted from the swathes of staggering confusion that were my life?
"I just don't want you to think of me as fragile," I admitted defeatedly; the longing to pull her into my arms – to press my face against the fevered dark of her hair a force that I could almost feel physically. "I just don't want you to think that I'm too much to deal with, Sol-ah."
I don't want you to decide that I'm too much work to be around and then leave me.
Sol's eyes softened into swirls of melted mahogany; her hands coming up to cup the cut-open vulnerability of my face. "You're not weak just because you might need help sometimes, Sunjae-ah," she reassured gently; her fingers flying across the fleeting pinkness provoking my cheeks into changing color. "Everyone deserves to be comforted when they're hurting – physically or otherwise."
"Don't hide from me," she murmured; the hope-soft healing of her hands still cradling my face within their heathered hold. "Don't pretend you're okay when you aren't, Sunjae-ah. I'm here – I wish I could have been there for you before now: but I'm here now. I'll never let you feel alone again."
I hadn't cried even once since my 'eomma' died – never let myself rely on anyone after her passing because nothing but nothingness was guaranteed in my life where people were concerned; but I could feel tears pricking at the shut-purses of my eyelids now; sheathed blades of blistering need blazing through me as Sol's arms bracketed my back – as though they were bracelets of soothing heat suffusing my senses.
I couldn't keep myself from catching on to the wet cotton of her shirt; my fingers fastening to the freckled skin of her slender waist as I fiercely kept my tears at bay.
I had never let myself long for anything more than a successful career as an athlete; or to be able to support my 'appa' as the years went by – but there was no deeper dream than the dusk of Sol's gaze as she smiled at me; no sincerer sweetness than the silken sigh of her skin against my own. I could do nothing but hold onto her – helm my hope around the delicate hook of her ankle.
I could do nothing but let myself fall into the flowing flight of her hair; dark and dahlia-scented.
I could do nothing but accept that my destiny was to be drawn to the stolen magic of the mole mapping the steep stroke of Sol's collarbone.
I need you, Sol-ah.
I need you more than anything else in the world.
.
.
.
When I opened my eyes after the surgery; Sol's face was the first thing that I saw – her soft eyes steeped in sadness; her cheeks thinner and less plump than I had pictured them. I hadn't been able to resist the rose-dark entreaty of her eyes when she had begged to be taken along to the hospital for my check-up: but when the doctor had told me that I would need another operation and that my swimming career was almost definitely at an end – Sol's incessant tears on my behalf had hurt more than my own heartbreak – the flowers of my future wilting in front of my gaze still less of a wound than the sound of her despondent weeping.
"You've been crying again," I slurred; my voice still smeared with the effects of the anaesthesia. "Don't, Sol-ah…"
Don't look so sad about this.
Not about me.
"Doesn't matter," Sol's lips trembled as she tucked the pillows more securely around my head as I sat up; her face furrowed with tension. "How are you feeling, Sunjae-ah? Is your shoulder still hurting? Do you need more painkillers? Water? Do you need me to get the doctor? Do you – "
I don't need anything but you, Im Sol.
"Hush," I said softly; stroking the still-wet curve of her cheek. Affection; dove-feathered and distilled with dew-bright clarity – afforded sight to sew itself back into focus under my eyelids. "I'm okay, Sol-ah. The surgery is over and nothing happened, see? Stop worrying and just sit next to me, alright?"
A little color leaped back into Sol's cheeks as she pulled up a chair next to me; her hands hovering anxiously over the sling on my shoulder – as if she meant to stroke the skin back to its original strength. I was about to take her hand in my own, until I heard a hastily stifled snicker and realized that I wasn't alone with her in the hospital room.
Inhyuk grinned at me; his face resembling that of the happy mischief belonging on a hobgoblin's visage. "Your 'appa's' collecting your meds," he said sunnily – and I sighed in exasperation as he smirked at me, waggling his eyebrows. "And look what your little Solie's brought for you, Sunjae-ah!"
Sol's face bloomed into a blinding shade of red; but she didn't deny or protest Inhyuk's statement – that she was mine. Something in my heart soared at that; the wings of my woven desire spreading wide. "Don't call her Solie," I said brusquely; struggling to keep the satisfaction out of my expression at her blushing cheeks. That's my name for her.
Inhyuk rolled his eyes; dragging a tray over to me – and I blinked in shock. There was a perfectly steamed bowl of 'samgyetang,' waiting; immaculately crimped 'mandu' laid out on the side.
I gaped at Sol in astonishment.
"You – you made all this for me?" I asked; hardly daring to believe my own luck. No one had ever cooked for me except my own father – not since I had lost my 'eomma.' The fact that she had done this for me – the image of her patiently poring over a hot stove; sent my cheeks into furls of faint but definite color.
Sol's flush deepened as she saw my grateful expression.
"Yes," she said tentatively – handing me the bowl of soup. "Want to try, Sunjae-ah?"
I eagerly lifted it up; hiding my wince as my newly-sutured shoulder protested the action. The bowl rattled in my grip; my hold unsteady and precarious – and Sol's attentive eyes immediately caught the movement.
"Let me," she said firmly – and I choked on air as she cupped my chin with soft; slightly-chilled fingers; raising up a spoonful of warm broth to my lips. I sipped slowly even as I attempted to squirm away from her touch; hyper-aware of Inhyuk's soft sniggers of mockery at the spectacle he was no doubt thoroughly enjoying.
"I'm not a baby, Sol-ah," I said petulantly; even though I was secretly pleased at the extent of her fussing over me. The soup was butter-smooth and steadying; settling the scratchy disquiet of my throat. It tasted of home – it tasted of the salt-sweet spice of Sol's smile. "I can eat by myself."
"Aww, you sure look like a baby," Inhyuk supplied helpfully, the flash on his tiny Nikon camera going off as Sol stubbornly continued to feed me; and I glared at him with ill-concealed irritation. The little twit was relishing in my discomfort – documenting it. " 'Uri aegi' Sunjae-ah!"
"Shut up!" I barked as Sol giggled; the tips of my ears turning red as I lobbed the A/C remote at Inhyuk's infuriating head. "Don't make me get out of this bed, Inhyuk!"
"He's just teasing," Sol said soothingly; caressing my cheek – and I immediately calmed at her touch; even as I continued to glower at the little imp that I called my best friend. "Don't mind him, Sunjae-ah."
"Thank you for the food," I said quietly; unable to stop myself from spiraling my finger around a glossy twist of her hair. Thank you for caring this much about me, Sol-ah.
Suddenly – a voice woke itself into being inside the blackness of my inner conscious.
It was my voice – but I wasn't the one thinking the words. I wasn't the one saying them – or the sadness stored in every syllable. I wish I had this when it happened for the first time, it whispered; the heat of its haunting hunger burning through the borders of my body. I wish she could have been with me then.
Inexplicably, the faded edges of a dark coat dotted my vision – my own eyes somehow doubled behind the debris of my lowered lashes. What was happening to me? Why was the voice in my head somehow my own self – and yet not, at the same time? Why was it seeking out Sol with such desperation?
I'm so glad I get to see her face again, it murmured; the mute agony of its soundless plea slicing my chest in half. Tears that didn't belong to me began to tint my eyelids with salt. I'm so glad I get to see her smile, still…
Notes:
well i don't know about you, but i am THOROUGHLY enjoying writing all this tooth-rotting fluff.
(though the angst is never far behind, i fear...)
tell me all about your thoughts on soljae's adorkableness in the comments! you know i adore hearing from you. :)
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 18: heavy is the hand that wears your death as a wedding ring
Summary:
a veritable smorgasbord of emotions!
xD
Notes:
chapter title is a modified line from the band 'japanese breakfast's' song "rugged country."
i'm mostly neutral about the song and wouldn't necessarily recommend it - but this line stood out to me!
sol's PoV in the beginning;
and then sunjae's throughout. slight timejump of a few days nearing the end.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
I am found there, on the soft wisp of the curtain. I am on the lace where the wind blows through. I am there in the thick of trees. I am on the ledge of the window. I am in the water. I am the small embroidered bird. I am trying to tell you what yearning is. I am failing.
~ T. De Los Reyes, from 'Read A Little Poem'
heavy is the hand that wears your death as a wedding ring
I approached the reservoir; red lines of anxiety littering the insides of my throat. I still couldn't remember the accident: the bitter rind of my broken spine still stealing the sanctity of my sleep from me.
But I knew it had been here – flashes of memory still flickered under my eyelids. I knew it had something to do with the man that had murdered Sunjae – the cold bite of his knife still cutting me open in my dreams. Even now; the beetle-black carapace of his eyes crawled under my limbs – unease building to a boiling point in my body as I looked down at the river: serpentine and silent under the salt-tossed air of the night.
I had been sent here to save Sunjae. I knew it the way I knew the shape of my own bones: the shale under my feet proof of my own surety as I warily walked down the road. I didn't know how I was going to stop it this time – how I was going to step out from the shadow of that man; the shuddering reaches of his brutality that still rested like a curse on top of the crown of my head. But I had sworn to myself that I would keep Sunjae safe – that I would protect his future: in all of its wild promise and wilful heat.
I wouldn't let anyone or anything take him away from me again. I had lost him twice already: first when I had only been a fan; favoring every step he had made from afar – second when his spirit had strung itself along the strong thread of my own: the ghost of him still haunting the harbored beating of my heart.
I knew I would not survive a third time – knew how the silver smoke of his soul still sequined itself under the seeking ache of my skin.
Sunjae as a boy was beautiful – filled with the butterfly brightness of hope and full of life as fragile as gauze: I loved him with all the gathering fibers of my being put together. But I still loved his ghost, too: the berry-sweet bitterness of his eyes; the melancholy music of his mouth when it had moved against mine. I missed him with a molten sort of longing: the magma of my regret pooling under my pulse; reducing my memory to mere cinder and ash.
Where was he now – this spirit that I had loved more intensely than the internal quiet of a life that had quivered to a stop at a single touch from him? Was he really gone? Would he truly never see me smiling for him again?
"Sunjae-ah," I whispered; the twin darknesses of his eyes – as a boy; as a man – twisting my heart into vines of viciously stubborn hope. "Can you hear me? I want to tell you that I love you – every part of you; every version that exists in this world. You then; – and you now: always and forever. I haven't forgotten you. Your death matters as much to me as your life does."
And I'll never let it go.
Suddenly; I heard a soft hiss – like a puff of poison being released into the air.
I turned around; foreboding funneling through my veins – but there was nothing but a faded white taxi passing by me; the windows too dirty for me to make out the face of the driver. Still; I felt my skin sting with remembered pain – as if the past was pricking my body into a preternatural sense of awareness – as if it knew that something was about to happen. That perhaps something already had.
I gasped as I felt a rough hand close around my arm in a vice-like grip.
~ / ~
Get up, said the voice in my head – my voice; the urgency in it unmistakable. Get up right now, Sunjae. Sol-ah needs you.
Sleep slanted into nothingness under my narrowed lids; the sense of danger demarcating the difference between the invading presence's words and my own. I heard her calling for me, the voice continued; and I hastily rolled out of bed; panic guiding my hands as I pulled on my clothes. Go to her, Sunjae.
She's at the reservoir.
I didn't question it: didn't question the queer sense of prescience punctuating my hands as I pushed open the front door; frantically flagging down the yellow cab at the end of the street. It didn't matter that my mouth wasn't moving yet I could still hear myself speak – it didn't matter that I might even be going insane. If there was even the slightest chance that Sol was at risk – I wouldn't ignore it. I couldn't ignore it.
I barely noticed the black trimming of the tattered-scarf sky as the car sped on; my heart fisting against my chest in abject fear. What was Sol doing at the reservoir this late at night? What was happening to her?
Blind terror tore through me as I finally saw Sol's slender figure at the edge of the road; struggling against a dingy-coated man – his movements sluggish and uncoordinated. I scrambled out of the cab as it screeched to a stop; my legs burning in a blur of movement. "Im Sol!"
I was running faster than I had ever run in my life; my lungs lashing out at me in pain – but I was still too late. Sol fell into the river with a scream – the sound scalding my throat with scarlet horror. I didn't need the voice in my head to tell me to go after her; I dove in instantly – the water cool as death as it cascaded over my shoulders.
My hands cut through the water like honed blades; buoying Sol up steadily as she feebly gasped for breath.
"I've got you, Sol-ah," I panted; the sodden weight of her skin still welcome to me as I laid her down on the silted edge of the riverbank; the grass underneath the same green as my growing relief as I saw that she was unhurt. "You're safe – you're okay, I promise."
I patted Sol's back firmly as she coughed up water; rubbing over the soaked fabric of her shirt in soothing circles.
"Breathe, just breathe," I said quietly; gently cupping her face as I carefully checked over her body for any injuries that I might have missed. "Are you in pain, Sol-ah? Do you need to go to the hospital, just in case?"
Sol's eyes were wide and star-flecked: searing straight through me – as if there were some other iteration of my own self that was being searched out by the silent plea of her gaze. "I just need you," she whispered; her body falling forward against mine until her heartbeat fluttered against the fever of my own – her hands curling around the wet cotton of my shirt. "Sunjae-ah…you came for me. You saved me again…."
"Always," I and the voice in my head said in tandem – no separation between the soft devotion of his words and mine; melding with the muffled sound of Sol's sobs. "I will always be here for you, Sol-ah."
Always.
.
.
.
The cab ride home was quiet; my hand still held against the small of Sol's back – stroking up and down in an attempt to alleviate the sadness still salting her eyelids as she clung to me. I didn't know what she was so worried about – or why her nails were so white and bitten down to the quick: but I didn't want her to hurt any longer. I wanted to press the pain away from her face with my palms.
Silently; I thought about what might make her happy – about the question that I had been sitting on for weeks; ever since the school had announced it – the tartness of it like quince on my tongue.
I opened my mouth; summoning up my courage as we stopped outside my house; Sol's hand still loosely wrapped around my own. "Sol-ah," I began – nervousness burgeoning into nettles of want around my neck. "I wanted to ask you to – "
I broke off when I noticed the lanky figure lounging against the gate to Sol's house.
He had an almost catlike cast to his eyes; an air of puckish mischief surrounding him as he lazily waved at Sol in peremptory greeting. "Nice to see you, little Sol. It's been a while, hasn't it?"
I bristled.
Little Sol?
"Kim Taesung?" Sol's face stretched into a wide smile; and I couldn't hide my scowl as she bounded forward to vigorously shake the stranger's hand. Recognition dawned as the name finally registered in my head – Taesung. From Inhyuk's band. Whom he had said that Sol had once liked. "What are you doing here outside my house?"
Taesung's lips curled up conspiratorially; his eyes curious as they catalogued the tension on my face.
"I came to see if you still meant what you said in your love letter," he drawled; and I instantly pulled Sol back to my side – my face flaming in protest. "Still interested in dating me, my cute little Sol?"
"You wrote him a love letter?" I demanded; jealousy biting at me with the force of a thousand black ants. "Why?"
What does he have that I don't?
Sol squawked in alarm; her cheeks heating up. "That was a long time ago and I take it back," she said hurriedly – her fingers comfortingly tracing the trilled-blue veins of my wrist. "It doesn't mean anything anymore, Sunjae-ah."
"How you wound me," Taesung dramatically laid a hand over his heart; and I gritted my teeth at his smug, knowing grin as he winked at me. "But you were so eloquent in your love for me, Sol-ah – how can you dismiss it so swiftly now?"
Sol let out an embarrassed yelp; and I tightened my arms around her possessively. I wasn't about to let this upstart who wasn't even as tall as me even try to win her back – there was no way I was letting it happen. No way in hell.
"Listen here, you onion-head," I said hotly; glowering down at Sol as she let out a stifled giggle at my choice of insult. Taesung smiled at me beatifically, going as far as to bat his eyelashes with effortless effrontery – and I let out a low growl of frustration. I'd met this boy for all of two minutes and already I wanted to wipe the smirk off of his stupid face. "Stay away from Sol-ah, alright?"
She's mine.
"There's no need for that, Sunjae-ah," Sol said reassuringly; reaching up to pat my cheek – and it was almost humiliating; how I immediately relaxed at her placating touch. "Taesung, I'm sorry – but I'm not interested in you like that anymore."
I practically preened at Sol's words; shooting a gloatingly triumphant look at Taesung; who grinned at me good-naturedly – seeming to be thoroughly amused at the spectacle the three of us were no doubt making for the neighborhood. "Alright, alright," he raised his hands in mock-surrender. "I can see that I have stiff competition."
I glared at Taesung's retreating back until he finally left; before rounding on Sol.
"What did you ever see in that guy?" I enquired brusquely – though I couldn't deny that I was morbidly curious about her answer. "Did you really like him a lot, Sol-ah?"
"It was just a crush," Sol muttered; pink tingeing her cheeks. "One that I'm quite embarrassed about."
"Did you mean it, then?" I asked; my gaze intent on her pale; water-kissed face. "That you aren't interested in Taesung anymore?"
"Yes," Sol murmured; her hand brushing against the barest edge of my jaw – beads of heat blooming under my skin at the light motion. "Yes, I meant it, Sunjae-ah."
"Then who are you interested in?" I managed to ask; my mouth dry as I watched her features soften at my words.
Please say it's me, Im Sol. Please.
"You," Sol smiled at me; and my heart stammered into song; surging to life behind the open latch of my ribcage. "I'm only interested in you, Sunjae-ah."
Sol squealed in shock as I lifted her up in my arms; whirling her around until we were both dizzy. The night was nectar in my mouth as I set her down gently; my cheeks stretching with the force of my smile as I slid my hand around hers once again. "Go out with me next week, please?" I pleaded; my fingers fervent in their pursuit of following the graceful fin of the lifeline elongating her palm. "My school's holding a dance then and I want to take you with me as my date. Will you, Sol-ah?"
Will you be mine the way I'm already yours?
"Yes," Sol beamed at me – the bright satisfaction in her eyes sweetening the sigh of my breath into marrying the syllables of her name. My heart touched the ground at her feet – the fine-soft curls clouding the space above her forehead. "Yes, I'll go with you, Sunjae-ah."
.
.
.
I waited with bated breath at the edge of the courtyard; my fingers fidgeting with the silk tie settled around my throat.
What if Sol didn't show up?
What if the last few weeks had just been a dream – just dust blown into the blossoms of my own longing: buds I had borne in the bedrock and soil of my own silent body for as far back as I could recount. I could no longer recall a time in my life when the roses outside my house didn't remember the touch of her fingers – how the color still couldn't compare to the reverence of red that sometimes crossed her cheeks when she caught me looking at her.
What if –
I felt a delicate tap on my back and turned around; my breath stealing away into wisps on the wind as I saw Sol; smiling up at me tentatively.
Her body was a bellflower of blue: cerulean and cyan satin sweeping over her skin in soft folds; her hair curled up at the corners. She looked like a piece from the very first pool I had ever swam in – entrusted my body to. She looked like the rest of my future: the first and foremost hope of my every founding wish. She looked like the last prayer of my listening spirit. She looked like love.
Sol-ah…
"You look like a faerie," I said in awe as I drew her gently into my arms; savoring the sight of her slight blush as the music began. The lyrics seeped into me with the same sweet warmth as her skin; keeping time with the silken slide of her hair as I swayed her slowly; my hand sending heat against the slope of her back. "You're all I've ever wanted, Sol-ah, do you know that?"
'Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on
Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long
We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the children who are asking to be born
Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn
Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn
Dance me to the end of love…'
I felt the great eyes of some garnering force open wide from within my soul; as if some secret, inner self was watching this spelled moment subsist outside of time: as if this had already happened before – as if I had already tasted the trembling tenderness of Sol's body against mine as we danced under the ministrations of the moonlight – as if this was not the first occasion that I had felt the music move through us both.
I'd give anything to dance with her again… the voice in my head returned; rich with masked longing and the marginalia of regret. Don't waste this time with Sol-ah, Sunjae. Don't let her go ever again…
I closed my eyes; feeling the ache of desire actualize in my chest as I cradled Sol's face in my hands; lifting her lips up to mine. I drank in the daffodil-gold of Sol's sigh as I swallowed the sipped-sin of her mouth; my kiss keener than the crispness of the night air as my lips learnt the lines of hers – my tongue dotting the dimple at the side of her mouth.
I tasted the texture of her mouth: burnt sugar and bruised want that burned as bittersweetly as my own as I pulled her flush against my chest; the thin fabric of her dress doing little to hide how she was responding to my touch – the dark of her eyes almost liquid with deified longing.
I love you, Sol-ah, I thought blindly; the billowing waves of my own want blotting out everything but the salt-sweet sting of her mouth moving eagerly over my own. There's nothing and no-one on this earth I could love more.
Please never leave me.
Notes:
:))))
love me my bittersweet fluff! and you know me; i just can't resist adding in a dance...
the lyrics of the featured song are from "dance me to the end of love," by leonard cohen. i respect the original; but i adore the cover by 'the civil wars' - it's available on spotify if you're curious.
let me know how you felt about this chapter in the comments; it always makes my day! 333
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 19: my soul belongs far more to you than it does to me
Summary:
i think my teeth may fall off from all this sweet fluff. xD
Notes:
chapter title is taken from fatima aamer bilal's poem: 'is this not treason?'
sunjae's PoV throughout!
(p.s - blink-and-you'll-miss-it albert camus/sisyphus reference within the chapter; for you fellow literary-minded peeps.)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
I love you without regrets and without
reservations, with a great clear impulse that
fills me up completely. I love you as I feel myself
living, at times, on the summits of the world, and
I wait for you with an obstinacy as long as ten
lives, a tenderness that will not be exhausted, the great and luminous desire that I have for you,
the terrible thirst that I have for your heart. I embrace you,
I hold you against me.
~ Albert Camus, to Maria Casarès from 'Correspondence'
my soul belongs far more to you than it does to me
I stared at Sol; the eiderdown-soft thread of her eyes under her lowered lashes – eddying in the depths of my heart like pools of precious liquid. It was midnight and she was in my bedroom again – excitedly poring over the trophies lined up on my mantelpiece.
I could scarcely believe my own luck – or the long, slender song of her arms; fluttering mid-motion – the perfume of her presence possessing the air. How much had I wanted this – how much would I have given up for her to belong to me?
And now she did.
There was no mistaking the intricate intimacy of her gaze; the bud-bright blossoming of her lips lifting up as she looked at me – her smile stealing the breath away from my lungs. I was borne along the smooth cuff of her curls – a dark sleeve I wanted to cover my own skin with.
Inhyuk would have told me that there were girls out there that were far more beautiful than her – but I wasn't interested in finding out whether or not that statement was true. No one was as beautiful as Sol was to me – the sunlight of her slightly-crooked fingers storing under my synapses with the sweetest heat; the delicate dance of her palm desiring to be met with mine.
No one else could possibly compare – and I didn't even want them to. I didn't want anybody but Sol.
"You can have them all, Sol-ah," I told her hoarsely; watching as she trailed her fingers over the tops of my trophies – her eyes gleaming brighter than the gold material of their composition. The voice inside my head was watching; too – silent and sad as always: ever-present salt to the syrup of my time with Sol. You can have my whole heart, too.
It was already hers.
Everything that was mine – the moth-dust of my molting dreams; the whispered white uncertainty of my future; the wide-open wakefulness of my body when I was with her – all of it; all of me – was already hers. It always had been.
And it always would be.
"I can't possibly take your awards, Sunjae-ah," Sol laughed quietly; her hand affectionate and almost ephemeral in its tenderness as it touched the expectant turn of my cheek. "Not when you worked so hard to win them!"
"You can take anything," I said adamantly – and meant it. You can take whatever you want from me, Sol-ah.
Whatever you need.
A little color laced itself into being across Sol's face – brocade as bright a red as the beating of my own heart. I leaned forward towards her flushed features; lulled by the pulse of pink pushing into her cheeks. I had never before seen a prettier blush – or a prettier expression. Sol-ah…
Suddenly; the staccato steps of my father's feet fell against my ears – fast approaching my bedroom door. I jerked back; swearing under my breath: I had to act fast – and I knew it. "He can't suspect anything, Sol-ah," I said – half-apology and half-explanation as I immediately switched off the lights in my room; pulling her along with me as I dove under the bedcovers. Sol gasped as I landed on top of her; the soft lines of her body like sugar sharpening around my limbs. "Shh," I said urgently – even as my heart drummed at the dripping warmth of her nearness. "You have to be quiet, Sol-ah."
Sol subsided into silence; her skin suffused with satin-sweet redness. My father's footsteps paused outside my room; then continued on – disappearing into the distance. I exhaled with relief – but my feelings reached a fever-pitch as I realized that I was pressing Sol into the bed; the heat of her body practically humming against mine in the darkness.
"W-What do we do now," Sol stammered; her face tinted the texture of spring roses – and my heart thudded behind the thimble-thin barrier of my ribcage; burgeoning with the beginnings of desire. "S-Sunjae-ah…?"
"I can think of a few things," I rasped; raw want racing through my veins as I bent my head down; planting a soft; worshipful kiss to the center of Sol's throat. She shivered; a tiny noise escaping her almost-parted mouth – and flames flickered up the sides of my skin; my hands grazing over the gentle curve of her waist. Sol's hands tangled in the treacle-heavy tufts of my hair as I surrendered my lips to the smooth expanse of her stomach; my mouth moving just above the sewed buttons of her skirt. Sol's lips lisped over a small, stifled moan – and I barely suppressed my growl; my hands squeezing the silken flesh of her thighs. I was ready – right there and right then. "Sol-ah…"
I groaned in defeat as I heard my 'appa' clatter about in the kitchen. I couldn't in good conscience allow this to continue – not when my 'appa' was right downstairs. Sol deserved better than that – she deserved the whole world. "Sorry," I said frustratedly; resigned to removing my hands from Sol's body as I rolled away from her – allowing her to sit up with soot-dark pink still staining her cheeks. "I…shouldn't have done that…."
"I wasn't complaining," Sol said huskily; and I couldn't keep the satisfied grin off my face at her breathless admission. It did something to me – (a dart of desire piercing my skin); to know that Sol wanted me as much as I wanted her. Needed me as much as I needed her. "But we should probably stop for now, Sunjae-ah…"
I took small comfort in the fact that Sol looked just as disappointed as I was as I pulled away from her; getting to my feet with a dejected sigh. "You're right," I said heavily; offering Sol my hand to help her get up from the bed. "But then let's get out of here, yeah? No use in staying when my 'appa' might hear us…"
Sol's eyes lit with interest as I clambered out onto the ledge of my window; my fingers grasping onto the pockets of gravel gracing the walls as I climbed down to the cobbled ground outside of my house with relative ease. She anxiously peered down at me; and I smiled at her reassuringly.
"Jump," I said coaxingly. "I'll catch you, I promise; Sol-ah."
Sol took a deep breath and jumped; a sharp puff of air escaping her lips as I caught her gently; savoring the soft column of her waist woven between my hands. I held her against me several seconds longer than was strictly necessary – relishing in the redamancy of her pleased expression as she shyly looked up at me; the shimmering dark of her gaze like a shock of happiness on my tongue.
"A-Aren't you going to put me down now?" She stuttered; and I beamed at her – giddy with the gathered speech of her skin under my fingers – a language that I had been longing to listen to for months now. "Sunjae-ah…?"
"I don't really want to," I replied gruffly; nuzzling my face against her cheek as I carried her out beyond the gated confines of my house. You fit too well in my arms, Sol-ah."
Sol giggled; the tip of her nose tinged pink as she settled into my arms happily – her legs snugly wrapped around my hips. I felt my own face flare into color – warmth winding its way through my limbs. How could I possibly explain to Sol the inexplicable soaring of my spirit when I saw her smile – the light weight of my own longing; lingering in the lilting softness of her laughter as she teased me good-naturedly about not giving her any room to breathe.
I had been bearing the boulders of my life for so much time – the endless uphill climb of meeting everyone's expectations; not letting my father know how much I missed my 'eomma' lest he think he wasn't taking care of me enough; the sapping insecurity of my life without the stability of a swimming career: I had been rolling my regrets up the mountain of my own memory: but in Sol's presence I could finally put it down. In the furled kindness of her fingertips – I could finally be free.
I lifted her up more securely in my arms; until her face was level with mine – until I could almost taste the lining of her lips. I love you, I was about to say – to send every bit of silence in my body into her service; when Sol's eyes rounded with curiosity as they came to rest on the rusted wheels of the bicycle propped outside my house's gate.
I noticed her eager expression and smiled; hopelessly endeared.
"Want to try riding on it?" I asked softly; amused at the way her eyes immediately lit up. My brow furrowed a bit as I watched her gaze dim a little as she stared at the bike; her face suddenly sobering. "What is it, Sol-ah?"
"I…don't know how to ride a bike," she confessed; a little embarrassed. "My 'appa' was supposed to teach me; and then he…"
My face softened; understanding the silted shadow of sadness that was now shading Sol's eyes away from me. I kissed her cheek gently; ruffling her hair. "I'll teach you," I instantly offered; riveted by the rapturous gratitude that immediately shone from Sol's face. "It'll be a piece of cake, Sol-ah – you'll see."
.
.
.
I sighed; pinching the bridge of my nose in exasperation as I watched Sol fall off my bike for the umpteenth time in the last fifteen minutes.
It was most definitely not a piece of cake.
"Don't look at me like that," Sol said tetchily; her small face scrunched up with irritation. "You've been scolding me for the last ten minutes, Sunjae-ah!"
"Sorry," I said; mock-contritely – fighting to keep the smirk off my face as I saw Sol's adorably annoyed expression as she grumbled under her breath. "You're just so fun to tease, Sol-ah…"
It makes me wonder how you'll respond if I tease you in other ways…
"You shouldn't tease me," Sol said severely – and I jumped guiltily; wondering if she had somehow guessed the direction of my thoughts. "You should be patient when I make mistakes and reward me when I do well, Sunjae-ah!"
"A reward, huh," I repeated playfully; a glint of mischief glittering to life within my gaze. "How about this…. if you can ride my bike without falling off for a mile or two…I'll give you as many kisses as you want. Sound fair to you, Sol-ah?"
"You…That's…" Sol spluttered incoherently; her cheeks turning cherry-tipped pink. "That's not what I meant at all, Sunjae-ah!"
I grinned; unrepentant. Sol had protested – but I couldn't help but notice with a sly sense of satisfaction that she was cycling down the road much more steadily now; crossing over a few miles without much difficulty. She gradually slowed to a stop; and I knelt down at her side; stroking through the soft strands of her hair.
"Good job," I praised quietly; delicately kissing the slightly-reddened skin of her knees – soothing the soreness from her many falls. "You did well, Sol-ah."
A faint flush still flowered over Sol's features as I steadied the handles of the bike; leaning in to press my lips to hers in a long, lingering kiss.
"As many of these as you want," I murmured against her mouth; swallowing her soft sigh of contentment as I nipped gently at her bottom lip; her body arching into my touch. "As many as you need, my sweet Solie…"
.
.
.
We were both still severely out of breath by the time we walked back down the path to our homes; the slight hitch in Sol's halting speech sending studded beads of heat down my spine. Her lips were swollen and soft-bitten pink – and it took every bit of resolve remaining in my blood to not pull her into my arms and kiss her senseless all over again.
"Wait," I said hastily as I saw Sol turn towards her house with a bashful wave. "Wait, Sol-ah; I have something for you."
I hurriedly retrieved the bouquet from where it had been lying in my 'appa's' designated water bucket for his plants; tentatively proffering it into Sol's surprised arms.
"Oh, Sunjae-ah," Sol's mouth rounded into a startled 'o,' as she ran a reverent hand over the petals of the bright yellow roses. "These are beyond lovely – thank you so much!"
"Anything for you," I said solemnly; taking the tapered ends of her fingers and twining them around my own. "Anything to see you smile, Sol-ah."
I tipped her face up to mine; my free hand cupping the careful point of her chin.
"I know you're sad over something I don't know about," I whispered; tracing the minuscule divot at the side of her mouth; where I knew her dimple hid. "And I know you might not ever tell me. But I just want you to know; Sol-ah – when you're with me; I'll always try to make you smile. I'll always try and take your pain away for you. Because I – "
Because I love you, I wanted to say – wanted to tell her that I lived in the tide of her teal-blue breathing; that I floated in the rich dark waves of her dusk-dampened hair. But I couldn't quite summon up the courage.
"I don't deserve you," Sol said hoarsely; the honeyed hope of her hand sweetening the skin of my cheek. "Sunjae-ah; I'm so grateful for you…I just want to make you happy…"
"You deserve so much more," I said firmly. "And if you want to make me happy; Solie – then come with me this weekend. Inhyuk's going to visit his parents in Busan; and he wants to bring me along. You'll come with me, won't you, Sol-ah? There's a beach there that's my favorite that I really want to show you."
Won't you, Sol-ah?
A peculiar prism – almost like the sheen of tears; shielded Sol's gaze away from the searching question of my own as I mentioned the beach in Busan that I wanted to take her to. I couldn't decipher it; couldn't decode the destitute ache suddenly anchoring itself to Sol's face as she fell forward into my arms; her lips listening to the seeking curve of my jaw.
"Yes, I'll go with you," she said softly; adding something so quietly that I nearly wasn't able to make it out. It almost sounded like: "I'll always go with you, Sunjae-ah."
The voice in my head rose to life; the syllables covering my mind like sea-salt over sand.
"I'll always take you there, Sol-ah, it whispered.
Notes:
... hehe, uri "pure as oxygen" sunjae is thinking some decidedly impure thoughts...
and yes; before you ask - there WILL be more smut. hold your horses. or whatever other high-speed animal you'd like to hold alongside your patience. xD :P
also; i'm a little hesitant to say this: but i couldn't help noticing that the previous chapter didn't garner all that many comments. i don't know if that's because the site has been glitching lately; or simply because people didn't like the chapter much - but i hope all of you know how much each and every comment that appears on this 'fic means to me. it takes a lot of effort to update as fast as i do; and to be honest it's often quite difficult to summon up the energy and motivation required to continue this story given the amount of work that goes into it. i'm only saying this so you're aware of how happy i get when my readers share their thoughts with me through their comments - it makes a huge difference to my levels of dedication when that happens! :)
so i dearly hope that if you love my work; you'll consider dropping me a comment. 3
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 20: as i love you, flesh to flesh - (horizons keep the soft line of your cheek)
Summary:
beach trip, beach trip!!!! xD
i think you shall enjoy this chapter. ;)
Notes:
chapter title taken from leonard cohen's gorgeous poem: "travel."
mostly sol's PoV throughout this chapter - brief interlude with sunjae's included.
there's also a teeny-tiny reference to goblin; for the eagle-eyed k-drama viewer. see if you can catch it. :P
also an 'extraordinary you' reference... but that one's obvious.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
You could say the sea to me
& I would be all
only
all synonyms
for "shine."
Like "dazzle."
Or "desire." Or "an unfinished,
unfinishable
evening of hijinks
from a past
life as a pebble."
Just the sea.
& you
saying it.
~ Chen Chen, from 'Ode'
as i love you, flesh to flesh - (horizons keep the soft line of your cheek)
I looked quizzically at Sunjae; who grinned at me, his eyes crinkling up at the corners as he gathered up the many bags he'd packed for me.
"Sunjae-ah," I said amusedly; biting the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling. "Isn't this too much luggage to take with us on the bus?"
"I just want to make sure you're comfortable and have everything you need, Sol-ah," Sunjae said earnestly; leaning down to kiss the tip of my nose until it turned pink. "Now come on, the bus will be here soon."
We both paused mid-step; puzzled – as someone loudly and ostentatiously cleared their throat behind us.
Sunjae and I turned around; my eyebrows flying up with surprise as I saw Taesung lounging against the hood of a powder-blue VW Beetle Cabrio; with the supercilious air of a satisfied cat. He looked so smug; I almost expected whiskers to sprout from his smirking face.
"What do you want, onion-head?" Sunjae said brusquely; and I couldn't help the small bubble of laughter that bobbed up to the surface of my lungs. On anyone else; this amount of possessiveness would have been annoying – only Sunjae could somehow manage to make it look adorable. "Why are you here?"
Taesung's grin widened.
"Now is that the kind of attitude you want to show to someone who's offering to take you to Busan in his beautiful new car? You don't really intend to take the bus, do you? Not with these many bags at least. And I want to see Inhyuk too – he's threatening to quit the band and I'm worried."
"It looks like a baby's car," Sunjae said truculently; and I suppressed a tired sigh as Taesung instantly bristled. " It has a name," Taesung said pointedly; lovingly patting the side of his car. "This is Sunny. Show her some respect."
"Sun…hee?" Sunjae repeated; owlishly eyeing the vehicle. Taesung rolled his eyes.
"Sunny, not Sunhee," Taesung emphasized loftily; seizing our packed bags and stowing them in the trunk of his Beetle. "Now get in already, you great big lumbering buffoon."
"I'm not a buffoon," Sunjae muttered resentfully under his breath as he slid into the backseat with ill grace; petulantly kicking out his legs when he realized he hardly had any room to move. "And your car's a bigger idiot than you are!"
I exhaled gustily; pinching the bridge of my nose as I settled into the front seat next to Taesung; slightly bemused by how his face immediately lit up at the gesture as he turned the ignition on.
This was going to be a long trip.
.
.
.
I groaned as Taesung and Sunjae bickered for what had to be the hundredth time in the past two hours.
"Okay, that's it," I said reprovingly; reaching back to pull on Sunjae's ear in an attempt to get him to stop. He pouted at me; a sulky twist to his soft lips – and I barely repressed the urge to kiss his cheek. He was still so cute – even if right now I was slightly miffed with him. "Go buy us some snacks, Sunjae-ah. Clear your head a bit, please."
"Fine," he huffed; glowering at Taesung out of the corner of his eye as he parked the car outside a small gas station. "Because it's you asking, I will; Sol-ah. But only if you give me a kiss first!"
"You're so greedy," I said resignedly – but I couldn't deny that I was secretly pleased at his request; the pink placating my cheeks into a patterned blush as I pressed my lips to his in a fond; fleeting kiss. "Okay, there you go, Sunjae-ah. Now get snacks for us!"
Sunjae flashed me a goofy grin; and Taesung gagged violently at my side – I turned on him with a glare as I watched Sunjae walk into the convenience store. "Why do you have to goad Sunjae like that?" I demanded hotly – irked by his ever-present look of smug mischief. "When you already know he gets jealous easily!"
"Because it's fun watching him swell up like a pufferfish and turn red," Taesung gleefully responded; swiftly avoiding my hand as I tried to swat his arm in reproach. "His reactions are hilarious; you can't blame me!"
Taesung's face sobered a little as he stared at me; his face turning contemplative and quiet. "There's something I've been meaning to say to you," he said hesitantly – his eyes losing a bit of their insouciant laziness. "For a while now, actually."
I looked at him inquisitively; my eyes lit with curiosity. "What is it?"
Taesung sighed.
"After you sent me that ridiculous letter," he began; and I yelped in embarrassment at its mention; my face reddening. "I thought about dating you – I really did. I actually wanted to – and maybe a part of me still does, in some way. I was going to ask you out – but something changed. You seemed different; somehow. Sadder. More withdrawn. And I didn't know if I would be able to take that pain away from you. That sense of something lacking."
"But he did," Taesung continued; a hint of grudging respect creeping into his tone as he motioned towards the convenience store; where Sunjae was still standing at the counter. "I've never you seen you smile the way you do when you're with him, Sol. It's like your whole face just transforms the second he touches you. And even though I said it was all a competition…I decided I couldn't get in the way of something like that."
"He's a real piece of work," Taesung said dryly; smiling slightly as he wiped a stray tear off my cheek that I hadn't even realized had released from my eyes at his words. "But he makes you happy, Sol. And I want you to know that I wish you both well. That I wish you nothing but happiness."
I took his hand gently; gratitude the color of grenadine grasping the skin of my fingers. "Thank you," I said softly; squeezing his hand with all the sweetness I was capable of. "Thank you for being my friend, Taesung."
Thank you for seeing me – even when I can't tell you the truth.
Thank you.
.
.
.
Busan was the same as I remembered. This beach; that belonged to my past and Sunjae's future – (the silver spectre of his presence still haunting the horizon as I watched Sunjae splash through the water to Inhyuk's side; his laughter a lingering flame in my lungs): remained entirely unchanged.
The salt of it still sang in my limbs; the sea-green syllables of my silent love stretching out towards the ocean in a litany of devotion. Twice now Sunjae had taken me here – twice now I had tasted the anemone-bright answer of his lips against my skin surrounded by the surf and spray of the sunset-stippled sea. Twice now I had been his: a part of me still protecting the ghost of his death; a part of me now safeguarding the sanctity of his still-breathing body amongst the waves.
In whatever form; he was mine. In whatever form; I loved him.
"Sol-ah!" Sunjae waved at me excitedly; the dimple dotting his cheek in a dance of ecstatic happiness as he beckoned me forward. "Come join us!"
I smiled at him: all of him – the radiance of his raised voice; the dark kiss of his keen black hair; slightly curled by the saltwater – the humble offering of his hand held out to mine as Inhyuk and Taesung catcalled at us good-naturedly. Twice now I had taken apart my own loneliness at the touch of his tender gaze; softer than the sand under my feet – but this time was different. This time I could move to him – feel the flickering foam of the water flood my feet as I stepped towards his side.
This time I could summon the strength of my body to fully belong to him – savor the sting of salt against his lips as I kissed him as if I was doing it for the first time in forever. This time I could play with him in the water – study the strong brown line of his arm as he gathered the sea in his hands; the swirling blue still less lovely than the long, smooth line of his neck – slender heat striped through with saline.
This time the brine was brimming with promise – the potential of Sunjae's palms around my waist; anchoring me to safety. This time – this time I was truly happy; even as the ghost of him gasped its absence into my lungs. I missed him, still – the cool marble of his touch merging into memory against the shoreline. But maybe this was enough – the flute-toned laughter of our friends in my ears; the renewed energy running through my legs – and most of all Sunjae: the sacred spell of his skin against my own.
Maybe this was more than enough – more than I had ever deserved in the first place.
"Sol-ah," he called softly – and I turned to Sunjae in surprise once I realized there were tears in his eyes: twin starbursts of light somehow lonelier than the lapsed line of the horizon behind our hands. "You…"
"Why are you crying, Sunjae-ah?" I asked gently; cupping his cheek with my sea-soaked fingers. "Aren't you happy?" Aren't you happy here with me?
"Of course I'm happy," Sunjae said thickly; wiping at his eyes with a rough hand. "I can't believe you're really here with me, Sol-ah. It's just…seeing you splashing about in the sea…I just…it makes me feel strange."
"It's almost like I feel there was a time when you couldn't do this," Sunjae murmured; and goosebumps grazed the skin of my arms as Sunjae laid a hand over his chest – as it were hurting; somehow – pulsing with the pain of a past he couldn't remember. "But whatever it is – please keep being close to me, Sol-ah. Please stay with me always. I can't bear to lose you."
"You'll never lose me," I promised fervently; my fingertips freeing touch into the texture of Sunjae's smooth cheeks as the waves whispered their approval from underneath our feet. "You'll never be alone as long as I'm here, Sunjae-ah."
I'll always be with you.
Always.
~ / ~
I stewed in my own silence while I watched one of the local surfers approach Sol as she dried herself off at the edge of the beach. Both Inhyuk and Taesung were practically leering at me; eager for me to make the slightest move so they could begin to tease me within an inch of my life. I was stuck – and I could do nothing but watch as the surfer shamelessly flirted with Sol.
"My name's Haru," he said appreciatively; raking a hand through his ruffled black hair as his eyes roved over Sol's pullover and neat white skirt. "What's yours? You're really cute."
"Thank you, but I don't give my name to strangers," Sol said politely; and a spark of warmth slid up the side of my throat at her courteous dismissal. I gritted my teeth as the surfer – Haru: didn't seem to take the hint at all – leaning closer to Sol.
"You look like you might be a little older than me," he grinned; looking up at Sol from under his lashes. "How about I call you 'noona?'
How about I drown you in the sea? I thought vehemently; rising to my feet with a scowl. I relaxed a little as I heard Sol's following words; letting the local surfer down gently but firmly. "I have a boyfriend," she said; enunciating each syllable carefully. "He's already glaring at you; so I'd stop flirting if I were you; Haru-sshi."
I huffed in relief and lingering irritation as Haru withdrew at last; with an apologetic wave in my direction.
"You look like you want to kidnap Sol and run away with her," Taesung sniggered; nudging me mockingly. "You absolute caveman, you."
"Don't tempt me," I grumbled; anxiously watching Sol to see if anyone else tried making a pass at her as she made her way back to me. Sol-ah…you really are too cute for your own good…
~ / ~
Sunjae's face was still sullen as he watched me lay out the bedrolls on the floor of Inhyuk's parents' guestroom; his arms crossed over his chest. For now; it was the only the two of us at the house – Inhyuk and his family had left for a fishing trip – and dragged Taesung along with them. There had been a suspiciously roguish twinkle in Inhyuk's eyes as he'd pointedly announced that they wouldn't be back for hours – but I couldn't say that I was unhappy about the recent development.
Not when I could tease Sunjae to my heart's content without anyone watching; and giggle over his reactions. He was so endearing – I just couldn't help myself.
"Come on, are you really still sulking about that surfer?" I said playfully; poking Sunjae's cheek. "He was harmless, Sunjae-ah."
"He was most definitely not harmless," Sunjae grumbled underneath his breath, pettishly batting my hand away. "You're off-limits to anyone else but me, Sol-ah. You're mine."
" 'Aigoo,' such a hothead;" I teased lightly; even as an ember of heat blossomed to life in the base of my stomach at the burning conviction in Sunjae's gaze. "Poor baby Sunjae, being all pouty because someone flirted with me by accident."
"Don't play with me, Sol-ah," Sunjae instantly responded; the deep burr of his voice painting my cheeks a peony-tinted pink. "Or I really will prove that you're mine and mine alone."
I couldn't help but rise to the challenge – rose-soft desire reddening my face. "And how are you going to do that, Sunjae-ah?"
Sunjae's eyes flared into dark promise; radiating rubies of unspoken want. "Like this," he breathed; and a sharp shock of air escaped my lips as he pinned my hands above my head, pushing me against the guestroom door; bracketing his body against mine. I shivered as his tongue traced the shell of my ear; nipping softly at the lobe before he nudged his lips down to the sensitive skin of my throat – sucking a deep red mark onto my neck.
"S-Sunjae-ah…" I gasped as he bit at the hollow of my throat; his tongue flicking out to soothe the small hurt right after the motion. "S-Sunjae…"
"That's right, say my name," he hummed; deftly unbuttoning my pullover and removing it; his fingertips hungrily seeking the line of my skin. "I'm going to mark you everywhere; Sol-ah. I'm going to show everyone that you belong to me."
I trembled as his teeth grazed my collarbones; the slick-wet slide of his mouth driving me to distraction. I flushed fierce red as Sunjae's hands hooked around my bra; making a mess of its meridian-blue material as he all but ripped it off of me. Color flooded my cheeks as my breasts swung free; swollen and stiffened-pink. "S-Sunjae-ah, p-please," I moaned as his mouth firmly closed around one nipple; sucking slowly until it hardened to a diamond point under his ministrations. I squirmed; stifling my needy whimpers as he rolled my other nipple with his free hand; his thumb threading my skin through with want.
Wetness pooled between my thighs as he bit delicately at my breasts; flowering my flesh with furls of red as he ran his tongue over my peaked buds. "S-Sunjae-ah…" I whined helplessly as he lifted up the light weight of my skirt; my legs parting automatically as he sank to his knees; his fingers toying with the trimmed-edge of my matching blue panties.
My eyes fluttered to a close as Sunjae's teeth grazed over the soft skin of my thighs; his mouth marking his territory with bite after bite until I was writhing with desperation; a damp spot darkening my underwear. "Look at me, Sol-ah," Sunjae murmured – the sound almost a satisfied purr as I moaned; the friction of his fingers against the fabric of my panties nearly proving to be my undoing. "Look at me as I show you how mine you really are."
I blinked down at him; a blush blazing in my cheeks as he stroked me through my panties; the dark blue lace laden with my wetness. "My pretty Solie," he growled; his voice several octaves deeper as he pulled my panties down my legs with one decisive tug; until I was bare before him. "So responsive. I bet you could cum just like this, couldn't you, Sol-ah? Don't worry, I'll give you what you need...just be patient..."
I gasped as his fingers plunged into my core; torturously slow as they entered me with teasing purpose. "Ah…p-please, m-more…" I keened as Sunjae pushed his fingers in deeper; thrusting them in and out faster and faster until my hips were bucking forward with each movement. "S-Sunjae-ah…"
"Say you're mine, Sol-ah," Sunjae rasped; pumping into me harder and harder until I could almost hear the slick sound of his fingers sliding in and out of my over-stimulated core. "Say you belong to me and I'll let you cum, sweetheart."
"I-I'm yours," I whimpered; shuddering as Sunjae pinched the sensitive nub of nerves at my center between his thumb and forefinger – until I cried out with pleasure; searing electricity streaming down my spine as I came apart in his arms; my legs shaking with the force of my release as my head fell back against the hardwood of the guestroom door. "A-All yours…"
"All mine," Sunjae agreed softly; his eyes adoring as he watched me pant for breath; my face still faintly pink. "My sweet Solie…you were so perfect."
I let out a tiny noise of contentment as Sunjae settled me onto his lap; his lips gentle as they traveled reverently over my own.
"You'll be red all over tomorrow," he said with no small amount of satisfaction as his hands roamed possessively over the marks he'd left on my body. "Everyone will see that you're mine, Sol-ah."
"A simple 'she's mine' would have sufficed," I groaned; prodding at his arm in protest. But I couldn't hide the crimson hue of my cheeks at the thought of how he'd claimed me so completely. "Still…I'm not complaining."
"Oh, you were doing a lot more than 'not complaining' just a few seconds ago," Sunjae grinned; his laughter echoing off the walls as I instantly hit his arm; my face flaming red. "My cute Sol-ah…"
I sighed happily as Sunjae wrapped his arms around me; tucking me securely against his chest as he nuzzled his face into my neck. "I'm yours and you're mine," he whispered; kissing the indentation his mouth had left on my throat mere minutes before. "I love you, Sol-ah."
"I love you too," I murmured; exulting in the expressive softness of his eyes as he kissed over the column of my throat; leaving simmering lines of sin over my skin as he reached the jewel-borders of my jaw; and then my mouth. "I love you so much, Sunjae-ah."
I always have.
And I always will.
Notes:
... i never know what to say after writing unabashed amounts of smut.
i think i shall just leave you with this emoji: ( ͡ ͜ʖ ͡). xD
(and yes, before you ask - they WILL go all the way. that's a whole different chapter which you'll get eventually.)
this one; as usual - took a lot of effort to write. smut is never easy - especially managing to do it in a way that's not off-putting and yet still passionate. i hope you'll consider leaving me a comment letting me know what you thought about this chapter! i truly do treasure each and every one of your messages. 333
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 21: whatever happens with us, your body will haunt mine
Summary:
reality bites.
Notes:
chapter title is taken from adrienne rich's gorgeous piece: "the floating poem, unnumbered."
sol's PoV throughout!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
I know that each one of us travels to love alone,
alone to faith and to death.
I know it. I've tried it. It doesn't help.
Let me come with you.
Yannis Ritsos, tr. Peter Green; Beverly Bardsley from 'Moonlight Sonata'
whatever happens with us, your body will haunt mine
I touched Sunjae's sleeping face with flower-soft fingers; love larger than the sound of the waves crashing in the distance washing over me with the weeping blue color of intimacy.
Flashes of the vision that had visited me in my sleep last night: venom-bright with vicious intent – flickered in front of my eyelids. That man had been chasing me in my dreams – right up to the cliff with its coarse rock and cruelty; where I had watched myself fall over and succumb to the stream of salt waiting below.
I knew that I couldn't tell Sunjae a single word about it – about any of it.
If I told him that I had realized that the man was after me – if I told him about the man at all: he would refuse to leave my side. He would follow me to my death – and I couldn't bear even the thought of it. I could very well imagine a world without me in it – without the imprint of my thumb on its living fabric. But a world without Sunjae was inconceivable – there was no color quite like the dark clasp of his eyes; no dimple dearer to me than his own – no song as tender as the sound of his soft breathing.
There was no one like him in the world – no one who carried the religion that ran through his river-smooth hair; no one who bore the precise pleasure that his smile always brought to me. I had lost him twice already – I would not lose him a third time: not while there was still breath left in my body.
If my life had to end to ensure that his continued on – then I would give it up for him. I would give it up gladly – without so much as a single word of complaint. I could survive facing my own death – but I simply did not have the strength to face his. Not again – never again in this lifetime; or the next.
So there was no possible way I could let him know what I was about to do.
Sunjae couldn't know that I was about to lead that man away from him – as far away as I could manage. I wouldn't let him die with me – I wouldn't let his last breath leave the world.
"Every bit of color in my life belongs to you, Sunjae-ah," I whispered; watching the fanned ink of his eyelashes fringe his cheek with the darkest of threads. "I'm going to make sure you have the chance to experience every hue and shade. I'm going to make sure you get to live with all the vibrancy that was taken away from you. You're going to live a long, long life – I promise you."
I bent down; pressing my lips to his forehead in a prayer to every stolen moment of sunlight I'd spent with him. "I love you," I murmured; my eyes contriving to catch the liquid of my longing despite my best efforts. "In every timeline; in every world – I will love you, Sunjae-ah. I'm sure we'll meet again; somewhere – somehow; if only I wish for it hard enough. Please try to forgive me for this."
I turned away; taking the last golden light of Sunjae's graceful hands within my own before stepping quietly out of Inhyuk's house. The village was still swaddled with the silted dark of the predawn hour – not a soul stirred as I walked down the mud-flecked lane. But I knew that the man was out there – that he was waiting for me to show myself. Waiting for me to appear alone.
And I would give him what he wanted.
I had tried to approach the police in vain – contacting them long after Sunjae and the others had fallen asleep; the station almost derelict in the dusk of the desolate night. But they hadn't believed me – and how could I blame them? Who would believe a girl who had said she could see a death before it even took place – and that too; her own?
What could I expect from them when I couldn't even tell my family that I might never see them again?
I knew there was no hope except for my own hands: how they held the weight of this silence; this space in which I knew no hymn could save me. I had to do this on my own – keep that man from ever even laying eyes on Sunjae. I had to protect him with the remainder of my heartbeats – and I knew that they were numbered.
I had to lay my life at the altar of my love for him – a devotion from which I knew there was no return. I had to – and I wouldn't shy away from it: from the sheer curtain that hung between me and what I knew to be my final moments. It didn't matter that I would die – not as long as I still had the memory of Sunjae's face; the sweet temper of his tapered fingers to take with me into the endless dark.
It was enough.
I headed towards the train station: a fool's wish shadowing my footsteps as I sought to stray into a public place. It was my last act of self-defense – that even this man might hesitate to hurt me if there were other people around. That I might buy myself some time – enough that someone might see and be able to call for help.
But he found me before I could even reach the rails. It was as inevitable as breathing – the shortened gasp of it in my mouth: as though even my lungs were listening – aware that my time was drawing to a definite end.
He rose from the road like a cesspool of savagery: the charcoal bleakness of his eyes sending a chill down my spine. This was the man that had murdered Sunjae – this was the enemy of all my desires to keep the dance of Sunjae's indispensable hands still moving: still capable of touching the world with the tint of their kindness. This was my own death; come to greet me – and I would not refuse it. I would not regret the choice that I had made for Sunjae – for every second of his body that still breathed.
Sunjae-ah, I thought silently; the steeped sanctity of his skin still tangible on the unwritten text of my flesh; alive with the wordless warmth of his touch. If there's a time beyond this one where you and I can still be together – then I hope I go there after I die.
In the end; I didn't have the heart to try and lose the man in the midst of the already-bustling train station. What if he took out his frustration on any of the innocent passersby? I didn't want anyone's blood on my hands except my own. I knew the sacrifice I was making – I didn't want anyone else to suffer on my account.
I was to be the only casualty of this considered decision – the only cautionary tale that would not survive its telling. So I turned on my heel and ran; knowing he would give chase – that he would stalk me with all the poison of an adder raised purely on hatred. I didn't care that I was running right into the arms of my own death – the craggy point of the cliff looming closer and closer the faster I fled – even as I knew there was no escape from this.
No escape from him.
I had never felt my mortality the way I did now; the fragile speed of my feet; like that of a fawn's: unable to close the distance between myself and the dark; tattered coat of my own death. But even my own terror didn't matter so much as the trust in the fact that Sunjae would be kept safe – that I was still leading the man away from him; away from anywhere he might try to find me. The cliff was far enough – no one would think to look for me there. Not until it had already happened.
Not until it was already too late.
Smoke was sifting through my sightline; frost crackling through my fevered breaths as my toes touched the fine dust covering the cliffside. The loveliness of it was jarring: the jagged black spires of the precipice; the turquoise spray of the water on my tongue – the sand-soft shore keeping watch along with the wildflowers.
It was a beautiful place to die in. It was a beautiful place to surrender for love.
The nameless violence in the man's voice was enough to make my body tremble with fear; but my steps didn't falter as I led him toward the cliff's edge. I'd left an anonymous message with the police with his description and details of his appearance – with any luck; they might find him after he was done with me.
With any luck I might take him with me over the edge – ensure that he never hurt anyone ever again. With any luck; Sunjae's laughter would remain in my ears as my life ended. With any luck – he would be the last thing I would think of. The last dream of my desperate heart.
With any luck – whatever little of it was still left to me.
"You should have never come to that reservoir," the man sneered; the sibilant hiss of his words striking me like the sharp edge of a viper's sheathed fang. "Then maybe I might have let you live."
I didn't know what he meant – I didn't know why or how the dashed hopes of my life had brought me here: but as long as I could keep him away from Sunjae; it didn't matter – none of it did. Not even the end of my own life. Sunjae-ah, I soundlessly stored the syllables of his name under my skin. Wherever I end up, I hope that I can still hold on to your memory.
My throat closed up; cloistering fear inside me as I saw the man pull out the serrated steel of his knife; the point of the dagger a deep burn in my limbs. Even though I had gone out of my way to make sure Sunjae never saw any of this: never even came near the night-blind bleakness of this man's face again – selfishly I wanted to see his face before I died. I wanted him: his spirit; his self – the softness of his boyhood features. I wanted to die knowing that I was still loved.
Sunjae-ah… I closed my eyes as I felt the faint bite of the blade press against my ribcage; a red line of pain beginning to pulse in my chest. I wish that I could see you one last time…
Almost as if in answer; I witnessed the white-heat urgency of Sunjae's voice: impossibly close against the curve of my ear.
"Im Sol!"
My eyes flew open; flames of shock searing through my skin as I saw Sunjae race towards me; his eyes wide and wet with tears. He knocked the man to the ground; attempting to wrench the blade from his implacable grip.
"RUN!" He yelled to me; his face pale with the effort of pinning the man down. "GET OUT OF HERE, SOL-AH!"
"No," I whispered; horrified as I tried to dive in between them; the rusted roughness of the man's hands scrabbling for purchase against Sunjae's sleeve. "NO, SUNJAE-AH! You shouldn't be here – YOU NEED TO GO!"
You need to leave me behind.
You can't save me, Sunjae-ah. But I can save you.
That had been my one and only wish – to keep Sunjae alive. To keep him safe. And I was watching it wisp away into nothing before my very eyes.
I screamed as the man flung me aside; driving the knife deep into Sunjae's chest. For the second time in a span of momentary months I felt my heart stop and shatter: burning the ugly burgundy of the blood blooming from Sunjae's ripped flesh.
"S-Sol-ah…" he choked out; fluid bubbling from his lips. "R-Run…"
I forgot everything – forgot that the man was still watching with unholy pleasure; seconds away from stopping my life: forgot that my own blood was staining my skin. Forgot that I was in pain. Nothing mattered except the fact that Sunjae was dying – that I was seeing him separate from me again. And I had not been able to stop it. Not then – and not now either. I had been able to do nothing except what I was doing now; for a second; pitiless time – cradling his body in my arms; begging him to believe in his own breath.
"W-Why," I sobbed; cupping his face in my cold; nerveless hands. "Why did you have to follow me, Sunjae-ah? Why did you have to do this?"
Why did you have to make me watch you die again?
"I would f-follow you into the absolute dark, Sol-ah," Sunjae said thickly; the color draining from his face as he bled out; and I frantically tried to staunch the flow from his wounds. "I would follow you until I forgot even the memory of light. To my last hour and my last breath, Sol-ah – my life has only ever been yours. My death will be yours, too – whatever of myself remains will always belong to you."
"Always," he whispered; a pained groan escaping his bruised lips as the man kicked him over the edge; a strange silver sequestered in the space of his eyes – as if two people were looking out at me for one final time: boy and ghost together bearing the weight of his blossoming tenderness; touches away from disappearing forever. "Remember it, Im Sol…"
"SUNJAE-AH!" I screamed as I was forced to watch his body fall; the man lifting me up by the lapels of my shirt. I didn't care that I was about to die; too – that I was mere minutes away from it. All I cared about was the starless hopelessness of Sunjae's smile as he stared up at me; inches away from hitting the water. I had gotten my wish – I could see exactly how much he loved me in the lift of his scarlet lips. He was dying because of it.
And I had no one but myself to blame. "NO!"
"How touching this all is," the man snarled; his face a rictus of ravaging satisfaction as he looked down at the spread of blood Sunjae's body made in the water. "Since you miss him so much, chickie… why don't you go ahead and join him?"
My voice shredded apart with shock as he pushed me off the cliff.
Notes:
...SUPERVILLAIN NYX RISES AGAIN.
yeah, yeah, i'm evil. i get it. i'll fix it eventually - trust the tags! they don't lie. (and neither do i.)
come scream at me in the comments about how horrible and twisted you think i am; it warms my heart. xD
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 22: i would like to be alive again: (i would like to say something about grace)
Summary:
in which i begin to redeem myself (somewhat.)
Notes:
chapter title taken from richard siken's poem: "unhappy hour."
sunjae's PoV, then sol's throughout!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
To die for love
to die of love
to die in love
to die with love
to die over love
to die without love
to die to love
to die in the mine
and be a "mine"
in the arms of someone's
chest wound, "Here I will die of the above."
Fanny Howe, from 'Gone: Poems'
i would like to be alive again: (i would like to say something about grace)
The water was a wound that I couldn't walk away from.
The waves opened their mouths for me; swallowing me in sea-green and the blue maw of my own mortality; my blood like a banner set sail across the spray of the ocean.
And still; my only thought was of Sol – the sound of her scream slicing deeper into me than any knife ever could. She was the last light that my eyes looked towards: the small silence of her face a more solemn prayer than any I had ever pressed between my palms. She was the beginning and end of my entire life – the final field in which I could lay my body to rest.
She was mine – and wherever I would go; into whatever spiral of eternal sunlight or storm I would be surrounded by – she would belong to me. And I would belong to her – the bones of my body taking the shape of her name: the shelled outline of her delicate ears.
Sol-ah… My eyes were as wet as the water underneath; none of its salt as sacred as the tears in her eyes I could still sense beyond sight – the last sob of my name from her lips a scar that would linger on my heart forever. I'm so sorry that I couldn't save you…
The voice in my head rose with the weight of the ocean as it swelled over me; bright as brine in the expanse of my brain – gentle and heavy as the scent of gin warming my throat. You've done well, Sunjae, it murmured – looming larger and larger behind my mind's eye by the second. Leave it to me, now.
"You'll p-protect her, w-won't you?" I stammered; no longer sure whether the liquid flecking my lips was blood or water. "You'll make sure she isn't alone – that she doesn't end up this way, too?"
I will, the voice answered softly; a strange; stretching sensation spreading through me; as if my soul were taking wing and wafting up with the movement of the waves. I'll protect her with everything that I have. With your life and with my death, Sunjae. Rest now…
I obeyed; blackness braiding under the brush of my eyelids as I was borne by the mercy of the marble-white caps of the water. I could see nothing; feel nothing – only the memory of Sol's hands; the music of their motion – wreathing me like a mourning shroud; like impenetrable magic impinging upon my own death.
Sol-ah… My last breath listened to the lyric-sweet syllables of her smile; sensation fading from me like first rain in the frost of winter. Wherever I go; I will carry the curve of your wrist…
There was nothing at all – not even darkness as I thought the words; willed them to reach the broken whispers of Sol's voice; still crying out my name.
And then I knew no more.
~ / ~
The water hit me with the weight of my own wasted hope; a hammer against my cut chest as I gasped for breath.
It didn't matter to me that I had somehow survived the fall – or that the man might still be watching. My only thought was for Sunjae – my eyes frantic and fringed with salt as I scoured the water for the sight of him. Where was he?
Had he already sunk to the bottom of the ocean with the rest of my thwarted desire for salvation – for rescue from the red running through the water? Was there no way I could tell him he was loved before his touch was lost to me forever? Had he already gone to a place I simply couldn't follow him to?
Was he already dead?
Suddenly; I saw the fanned white of his wrist; flung against the open ocean; and fierce; unrelenting hope – flowered to life inside my perforated chest. I dove for him; the desperate windmill of my arms churning the water into a whirl of foam and fervor as I cupped his face with my hands; soaked through with salt.
As fast as it had flamed inside me; my hope frittered away into nothing as I saw the bloodless parting of his lips; the semi-circle of his eyelids silent and closed to me forever. He was already gone – and this time there was no bringing him back.
"Sunjae-ah," I pleaded; the ache in my voice rawer than the blood blossoming behind my ribcage. "Please wake up. Please don't be gone."
Please don't leave me here without you.
Not again.
But Sunjae didn't move; the pale edges of his face already turning the powdery blue of the ocean around us – nothing between us at all anymore except the dead weight of his body in my arms – the departed warmth of his once-open eyes. Wherever he was now – he couldn't hear me. I couldn't reach him even as I ran my fingers down the ashy defeat of his damp cheek. He was truly gone from me.
"No," I sobbed; my body almost breaking under the battering force of the waves with the effort it took to hold onto him – to harbor the after-image of his heartbeat. "No, Sunjae-ah; please…"
And then I felt it.
The silvery touch of a long-separated presence; the preternatural gleam of a glittering hand against my cheek.
I stared; stung into disbelieving silence at the stilted smile of the ghost that I had thought was lost to me forever; wild and wistful as the whitewater of the sea slamming against my body.
"S-Sunjae-ah…" I stuttered in shock; forgetting that my own breath was flickering and unsteady; that my limbs were numb and leeched of all strength amidst the harshness of the unhalted waves. "H-How…"
How are you here, Sunjae-ah?
How did you find me after all this while – after everything's already come to an end?
"Sol-ah," Sunjae's voice settled like smoke on the water; the touch of it so tender that it brought fresh tears to my eyes. "Sol-ah, my love; please don't worry. I'm going to save you."
"But I couldn't save you," I wept; the stubborn clasp of my hands clinging onto the body of the boy I had loved as much as I loved this spirit; the ephemeral spirals of his fingers spelling my body into lightness as he bore me up out of the water. "Sunjae-ah…I failed you again. I'm so sorry…"
"Shhh," Sunjae soothed; not even sparing a second glance to the sight of his solid body; furled against the outcropping of rocks at the shore in a foetal position so vulnerable that I could feel the sting of it like vinegar in my veins; as he cradled me against the cracked sand underneath the soles of my feet. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Sol-ah. You loved me all this while. You loved me back into being. What more could I have possibly asked of you?"
"Sunjae-ah," I cried; falling forward into his arms – those insubstantial embers of silk; soft and faint as fog against the fever of my skin. "Please don't leave me again. Please don't go…"
Please let me hold on to some part of you, still.
"I've been here this whole time, sweetheart," Sunjae crooned; caressing my face with the care of a thousand buried lovers; the bones of their devotion bordering the bequest of his body pressed against mine: porous and light as worn-down lace. "I have always been with you. I have been inside every moment; every kiss – every kind of love that you have shared with my past self and my past soul. I am yours; Sol-ah; in my life and even in the lack of it – but I can't let you join me in my death.
Whatever time I've been given right now, Sol-ah – I'm going to use it to save you."
"Sunjae-ah," I began to say; desperately catching at his hands – but a dry; rustling sound – like a boot dragging through bracken; reached my ears – and I froze.
Horror – hard and cold as hoarfrost; hefted to life in my lungs as I saw the man emerge from the trail leading down from the cliff; the scarlet of Sunjae's blood still sinning the steel of his knife. No…
"I see I only managed to kill one of you," he sneered; his eyes passing; unseeing over the soul of Sunjae still protectively at my side; the grey contours of his grasping arms shielding me against the bleakness of the man's blade. "No matter; easily remedied…"
"No," Sunjae growled; his eyes grieving black as he tried to block the man's path.
But how could a spirit stand in the way of a mortal man? How could I expect him to save me when seeing him this way was already more than what I deserved?
I had gotten to speak to him one last time – a saving grace I would take with me to my grave. Every prayer that I had ever made began and ended with the pulse of his palms against my face: I would die as its devotee without any complaint – for I had been gifted the chance to see the source of all my sermons for one final time.
"Sunjae-ah," I sighed; at peace with the prowling gait of my own death as the man lunged forward; the dark smile of the knife slicing towards me. "I love you…"
Time staggered down to a standstill; the air freezing on my tongue as I heard a tumult of sound – a sharp; shattering 'crack' like the noise of a gunshot.
Sunjae gasped; and I opened my eyes – to see the man spread out on the ground; a bullet-hole; dark and definitive – boring through the ground of his forehead.
A slender woman stood in front of me; a gun gripped in her brown-gold hand: her amber eyes and coppery hair; like curls of flame – catching color in the cavern of my chest. I had never seen her before in my life – but she looked familiar; as if I knew her still. As if there was a bond that had bequeathed her to me right then – that had allowed her to save my life.
"We meet again, Im Sol-sshi," the woman smiled at me; her eyes flecked and growing greener still with kindness. She extended her wrist; and my mouth parted in shock – there was a watch on it; identical to the one I was wearing. It was set at an infinity symbol. "I told you if you or Ryu Sunjae-sshi ever needed help; it was mine to give. I owed you that; after everything you did for my Shi-oh."
"I-I don't k-know you," I stammered; my heartbeat hammering with apprehension and an eerie sort of recognition in my chest as I took Sunjae's silver-soft hand in my own; weightless as wheat-chaff within my hold as he watched on in stunned silence. "W-We've never met…"
"Not in this timeline," the woman smiled gently. "But I knew a version of you; at least. And you might not know it – but you allowed me to save the love of my life. Now I'm giving you the chance to do the same."
The watch on her hand lit up; and I could hear the smooth burr of a man's voice reverberate through the timepiece. "Nira," it whispered; and my heart nearly stopped at the sound – how much it was like Sunjae's own voice – but darker; richer – rimmed with fierce protectiveness. "Come home to me, my love…"
The woman's whole face softened; her eyes glowing with adoration as she pressed the dial on the watch.
"I must go back to him," she murmured; her hand briefly brushing my cheek. "I've done what I could for you, Im Sol-sshi. This man's life is over for good. And even if this version of you doesn't remember – you once told me that love is the most powerful force in the universe. Believe in it with everything you have."
"Trust in it," she said softly – her eyes; like discs of dinted bronze; flitting over to Sunjae's faded form – as if she could see him. As if she could recognize him for what he was – for what remained of him. "Will him back to life, Im Sol-sshi."
"T-Thank you," I started to say; tears collecting in my eyes at her confided words – like they were the secret of some other life I had lived; some other path that I had once partaken of. But the woman had already disappeared; barely more than a flash of light at the foot of my sightline. She was gone – and the man was dead; and Sunjae was still at my side – the charred ash of his cheek still bent towards mine. "N-Nira-sshi…"
I turned to Sunjae; tasting the tears lining his own skin as I kissed his eyelids; the see-through satin of his body searing into mine as he embraced me; the soft calls of my name from his lips holier than any hymn I had ever hoped to sing.
"Sol-ah," he whispered; his eyes star-flung and flared with wonder. "You're still alive…you're still here…"
"So are you," I murmured back; tracing the textured pattern of his pale skin; the luminous half-moons of his nails – the lush swell of his lips. This ghost who had been the beginning and end of everything – this endless litany of my love. "And this time I'm going to make you stay forever, Sunjae-ah. I'm going to give you back your life."
I kissed him; then – with the keen; inchoate hope of every single beat of my heart: every single wish and want that the spirit of his silence had raised in me.
Every laugh; every touch; every tender marriage of mouth against mouth – I put it all into the lining of my lips and kissed him.
Live, I begged with every broken dream that still belonged in the bruised yearning of my body. Live, Sunjae.
Live for me.
Sunjae gasped; a sheen of golden-blue light billowing around his frame; bronzing his body to mist as it moved over the silent form of his physical self – his boyhood battered and motionless on the rocks. I watched as I knelt at his side; laden with the leaden weight of my own longing as the smoke of his spirit settled over his salt-stripped skin; bare and beyond anyone's reach but his own; even as I clutched at him with quivering fingers; holding him against my chest.
There was an endless moment of silence.
And then Sunjae's eyes flashed open; mahogany and magically aware – breath stealing back into his lungs as he gazed up at me; the unmistakable sound of his drumming heartbeat nearly halting my own with sheer; shimmering relief.
"I remember," he whispered; the warmth of his fingers winding around my own; as I looked down at his flushed face – young and soft and impossibly; impossibly alive. "I remember everything, Sol-ah."
Notes:
...are we feeling better now? xD
for those of you who have read my earlier 'fic: "for what binds us (as proud flesh)" - you will recognize who shows up at the end of this chapter! for those of you who don't; in my earlier story - the character of nira lee is given a watch by im sol (of a different universe) to save the love of her life - ryu shi-oh (reformed villain and all around hottie). she manages to do that; and promises that version of sol that if she or sunjae ever require help she will be there. and in this story - nira finally keeps her promise. :)
or; long story short: FANFIC-CEPTION!!! (fic within a fic, lol. xD)
we love strong women (hehe pun intended) saving their loves!
let me know in the comments what you thought of this little chapter. :)
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 23: i forgot how much light there was in the world: (until you gave it back to me)
Summary:
HAPPY TIMES AHEAD. xD
Notes:
chapter title taken from the inimitable ursula k. le guin's "the wizard of earthsea."
sunjae's PoV, then sol's throughout!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
I don't know what they are called, the spaces
between seconds – but I think of you always in
those intervals.
Salvador Plascencia, from 'The People of Paper'
/
Rain finally came it's beautifully cool. Wonder how long it will last.
It was marvelous because it started suddenly and then was alternately
terrific and gentle.
I think of you all the time and therefore have little to say that would not
embarrass you, for instance my first feeling about the rain was that it
was like you.
~ John Cage to Merce Cunningham, (June 1943)
i had forgotten how much light there was in the world: (until you gave it back to me)
"Five more minutes," I all but wheedled; staring imploringly up at my 'appa' as I pressed closer to Sol; who was bundled up in a heap of blankets on the sofa in her living room. She giggled; the sound as golden as the inside of a daffodil as it settled inside my ears. I would never tire of her company – never want to be away from her. Never want to be anything but hers. "Please, 'appa?'
My father let out a disgusted snort; his face curdling like sour milk as he eyed the two of us with deep suspicion. "You'd think I was telling you to go to war," he grumbled. "The way you're looking right now, you little lovelorn brat."
Sol's 'halmeoni' smiled at me indulgently; and I felt a warm flush of pleasure spread through my cheeks as she ruffled my hair with a light; affectionate hand. "Sunjae can stay as long as he likes," she said; and I beamed in triumph at my 'appa.' "But only if Sol-ah allows it."
"Of course I'll allow it," Sol said loyally; and I grinned as I planted a swift kiss on her soft cheek; relishing in the red that instantly marked her skin. She curled up contentedly against my side as I sat down next to her; studiously ignoring the heavy sigh of defeat that wafted from my father's general direction. "Sol-ah, do you need anything? Water? Tea? More food?"
"Yah, do you think that we don't feed her at home?" Sol's brother said indignantly; scowling at me. I hastily opened my mouth to deny ever having meant anything of the sort; but was thoroughly distracted by Sol's small hand slipping around my own; and squeezing gently. I turned my attention to her at once.
"I'm fine, Sunjae-ah," she said sweetly; stroking my cheek with delicate fingers. "I don't need anything but you."
A chorus of groans erupted through the room at her statement; but I couldn't hide my happiness at Sol's words – hugging her to me tightly; savoring the satin-smooth shimmer of her hair tickling against the side of my face. I would never take any of this time with her for granted – as anything less than a gift from a fate that had once allowed me nothing but death. I would never stop being moved by the miracle of her face – the tiny freckle dotting the tip of her nose; the dimple at the side of her mouth that answered my own.
I would never stop loving Sol – loving every inch of the light that lingered underneath her skin.
"Alright, that's it," my 'appa' muttered; pulling me up by my ear and dragging me away as I squawked in undignified protest. "I've had enough of you uprooting all of my flowers and mooning over Sol like some third-rate Romeo; you disgraceful boy – have some shame! It's time for bed – now let's go already!"
I let myself be tugged away; not even bothering to blush when Sol's 'eomma' shot me an amused look as I stretched my hand out towards Sol longingly. "I love you," I mouthed to Sol silently; my eyes crinkling up at the corners as she instantly blew me a kiss in return; the dimple flashing at her cheek dearer to me than my very own. "I love you too," she mouthed back – and I mapped the sensitive lines of her face: the star-studded sweetness of her gaze as she waved at me.
There was nothing standing between us anymore: not the man or the lack of my memory – only the guiding hand of the ghost that still lived and loved within me. That still swore himself to the syllables of Sol's name.
There was nothing but the honey and flame of our future stretching before us – the hummingbird-bright rhythm of our heartbeats – finally fluttering as one.
There was nothing and no one for us but us – and it was everything that I had wanted and more.
It was everything that I had ever dreamed of.
~ / ~
I vaulted up in bed; lines of sweat like vines of heat sliding up the sides of my skin. Always; it was the same nightmare – needling the edges of my consciousness into a blinding; atavistic need for Sunjae – for his touch; for his smile; for the soothing tint of his laughter.
Always; I saw him fall from the cliff – the fragile heat of his body freezing forwards into nothing. Always; I woke up not knowing if he was still alive or dead. Would it ever get any easier?
I tasted the salt of my own doubt; unable to keep from lodging a small pebble at Sunjae's window – needing the sight of his face to know that he was still real. Still breathing – not a ghost or the gravel of a long-buried memory: but still the boy I loved beyond all reason – beyond all sacrifice.
Still mine. Still living. Still here.
Sunjae opened the window within seconds; peering out anxiously at me with a face still flowered with the buds of sleep. I almost slumped down in relief – taking in the treasure-trove that were his features; the soft tufts of his hair sticking out like smudges of coal against his skin. He was alive – he was here. He was right next door – he was safe. He was mine. He wasn't hurt.
"Sol-ah?" Sunjae asked softly; his hand like a moth of pale movement against the moonlight as he reached out towards me – even though our windows were too far apart for us to touch. "Did you have a bad dream again, baby?"
I nodded tremulously; the first faint touch of tears tracing themselves across my eyelids. "Sorry I woke you," I whispered; yearning for the soft yield of his skin under my fingers. "I just needed to – needed to see you; needed to…"
I just needed you, Sunjae-ah.
Sunjae's eyes gentled; gin-dark and tender with infinite trust. "I'm right here, sweetheart," he murmured. "Come outside so I can hug you, okay? Please don't worry."
I almost raced out of the room; desperate for him: for the only arms that could border my body into safety. The night was misted with the near-memory of rain; the air fragrant as frangipani leaves as I quietly stepped outside my house into Sunjae's waiting arms. He held me carefully; mindful of my still-recovering body; nuzzling his face against the side of my neck.
"I'm right here, Sol-ah," he repeated reassuringly; his palms passing over my face like two blossoms of burning benediction. "I promise – I'm okay. We're okay. Nothing is going to happen to us."
"I k-know," I stammered; my fingers fastening in the cotton blend of his sweatshirt. "But I just can't help being so afraid, Sunjae-ah. What if I lose you all over again? What if all of this – all this happiness is just a dream that will end soon, too?"
"If this is a dream," Sunjae smiled at me comfortingly; kissing the top of my head. "Then I'll stay asleep with you forever, Sol-ah. You'll never lose me again; I promise. We're safe now. You'll never have to live without me – I'm going to stick to you like a limpet all your life."
Despite myself; I laughed a little – trailing my hands over the slight stubble stippling Sunjae's cheeks. He shivered imperceptibly at my touch; his fingers twining around mine. "I have something for you," he said a little huskily; and I peeked up at him, curious. What could he have brought for me?
"You haven't dug up more flowers from your 'appa's' garden, have you, Sunjae-ah?" I couldn't resist teasing him; a small smile stealing over my lips. "He really will disown you, at this rate."
Sunjae appropriated a put-upon expression; his tone pained as he gently pinched my cheek in retaliation. "It's not that," he grumbled; his face shifting into a shyer cast as he reached into the pocket of his pajamas; proffering a minuscule velvet box to me. I took it cautiously; running my fingers over the rich material admiringly.
My mouth rounded into a small 'o' of shock as I opened the box; revealing a gleaming white pendant in the shape of an asphodel flower; its furled petals flickering with pale promise on a pearl-polished chain.
"Oh, Sunjae-ah," I breathed out; my cheeks flaring into color with the force of my appreciation. "It's so beautiful – so lovely."
"Not half so lovely as you," Sunjae replied; visibly pleased as I peppered his face with grateful kisses. "But I wanted you to have it, Sol-ah. You already know that my life is yours – but asphodels are symbols of death. My death belongs to you; too – you were the one who brought me back from it. You believed me back into being – and I can't thank you enough for it. I want you to know that whenever it happens – my last breath will be yours, too. That's what the necklace is for."
Love; lasting as the sea that had once swept across our silent bodies – rose up in me; silver as surf and just as enduring. Tears prismed my vision into pinpricks of light.
What had I done to deserve this boy – spirit and stalwart companion all at once; the sum total of my life's entire longing? What would I do to deserve him now – deserve the crystal-depths of his careful devotion?
"I'll never take it off," I promised; my voice trembling as Sunjae clasped the pendant around my throat; leaning down to press an adoring kiss to the curve of my neck. "I can't tell you how much this means to me, Sunjae-ah…I love you…please say you'll never leave me again…"
I love you so much it hurts.
I don't know what I'd do if you went away from me now, Sunjae-ah.
"I love you too, sweetheart," Sunjae kissed along the side of my jaw; nipping slightly at the lobe of my ear until my face grew flushed. "And I promised you I'd always be by your side, didn't I? Don't fret, my Sol-ah – I'll never let you be alone; I swear."
"Let's take your mind off all this worry," he added gently; curling a finger around a stray strand of my hair. "How about I teach you how to swim – it's about time that you learned, don't you think? You'll come with me, won't you, Sol-ah?"
I smiled up at Sunjae; his earnest face – the flight of happiness taking wing in the woven spell of his soft gaze. "Yes, I'll come with you," I whispered; leaning forward to press my lips to his. "I'll go anywhere with you, Sunjae-ah."
Now and always.
~ / ~
"You're just splashing about in the water, you little imp," Sunjae scolded me; but there was an amused glint in his eyes as I chucked pool-water at him playfully; my cheeks stretching with the extent of my smile. "Pay attention to what I'm showing you, Sol-ah!"
You're showing rather a lot, I couldn't help thinking; unable to tear my gaze away from the chiseled contours of his chest and stomach; a riotous blush raging in my cheeks as I saw Sunjae smirk at my attention. "Make me," I decided to tease him; a spark of anticipation building underneath my skin as I watched his eyes narrow; garnering more and more heat with each passing second.
"I can make you pay attention to me very easily, Sol-ah," Sunjae purred; caging me against the side of the pool with effortless ease; his body brushing against mine with tantalizing closeness. I gasped as his mouth closed over mine; the stamp of his lips against mine steeping me in need.
"God, I've missed this," Sunjae almost growled; his tongue flicking out to taste my skin as he sucked a mark over the sensitive skin of my throat; right against the spot where his pendant lay. A tiny moan escaped my lips as his mouth drifted lower; kissing over the tops of my breasts. "I've missed you, Solie.."
"P-Please," I stuttered as Sunjae's hands grazed over the soaked skin of my bare waist; the water a cool contrast to the heat building between my thighs as his mouth bit gently over the slope of my shoulder. "Sunjae-ah…"
"Please what, Sol-ah?" Sunjae murmured; his fingers deft and quick as they unhooked the dark fabric of my bra from around my back. "Tell me what you want, my love."
I looked up at him; my face blazing with desire. "You," I said thickly. "I want you, Sunjae-ah."
I want you more than anything in the world.
Sunjae's eyes were molten with need; maple-dark and doubly as sweet. "You can have me," he said hoarsely; lifting me up until I was straddling his waist in the water; my legs slung around his hips. "You can have all of me, Sol-ah."
A small noise rose up my red-trammeled throat as Sunjae squeezed over the soft swells of my breasts; his thumbs pinching my peaked nipples until I was nearly keening with want. I was searing with need as Sunjae's hands stroked my thighs; spreading them apart gently as he slid off my panties. My cheeks burned with color as Sunjae slid his fingers through the wetness at the center of me; lifting his hand up to his mouth and licking over the flesh of his fingers; slick with the evidence of my desire.
"I'm addicted to how you taste, Solie," he rasped; and I whimpered with want as his fingers entered me agonizingly slowly; stretching me open with skilled movements. "Are you sure you want this?"
"Y-Yes," I moaned; squirming with the deep-seated ache of desire as Sunjae slipped off his sports trunks. I savored the strong line of his legs; the slender jut of his hipbones; hammered to lean stillness by years of swimming. He was beautiful – and so unutterably; impossibly mine. "I want you. Only you, Sunjae-ah."
"You're all I want, Sol-ah," Sunjae responded to me; his voice stained with the sin of our bare skins sliding together in the water – his movements firm yet gentle as he settled me against him. I could feel his hardness pressing against my core – and I couldn't help the curl of nervousness that opened up within me; my throat tightening with both apprehension and arousal. He was so much larger than how I had imagined – how much would it actually hurt? "My pretty Solie…"
Sunjae noticed the tentativeness creeping into my touch; and he soothingly kissed my stomach; his hair as light and soft as black lace; lingering like listening threads against my skin. "I'll be careful with you, Solie," he reassured me gently; smiling a little at my desperate moan when he bent his head down; his tongue teasing at the nub of overstimulated nerves at my center. "I know it's your first time."
"It's my first time too, love," he whispered; kissing the pink seeping into my cheeks as he spread my thighs wider apart; pushing into me with just the tip. "Relax for me, Sol-ah. I promise that I'll make you feel good, just trust me…"
I winced as Sunjae pushed further in; his hands anchored on either side of my waist – a bead of sweat collecting on his forehead, furrowed with concentration. "Shh, shh, I know, I know," he said comfortingly as I whimpered a little; adjusting to the stretch of him inside me. "I've got you, Sol-ah. I'll be gentle, I promise you, sweetheart."
Pain slowly gave way to pleasure as Sunjae began to move slowly; pulling in and out of me until I was shuddering with the shock of fullness between my thighs; electric pulses of sensation sluicing my back with greater intensity than the water we were both surrounded by. "S-Sunjae-ah," I moaned; my toes curling inward as he entered me entirely; his hips rocking insistently against my own. "Ah…more…"
"You feel so fucking good, Sol-ah," Sunjae groaned; his voice a deep burr that dusted my cheeks with red; sharp-sweet pleasure sweltering through me as his movements grew looser and more unrestrained; the slick-wet sounds of flesh on flesh driving me wild with want. "So tight and perfect…"
"I'm – I'm c-close," I whimpered; my nails raking down Sunjae's naked back – my heart thudding in my chest at his instant growl of approval; his hips snapping forward with even greater speed. "S-Sunjae-ah…please…"
"Me too, Solie," he murmured; reaching his hand down to stroke the sensitive bundle of nerves at my core as he pushed in deeper – his and my voice breaking apart at the same time; white-hot waves of pleasure taking over us both as Sunjae pressed his lips to my neck in a litany of ecstasy; my body shuddering apart in his arms.
"My sweet, beautiful Sol-ah…"
"I love you," he said softly; reverently kissing the inner lining of my thigh as he withdrew from me and lifted me out of the water; balling up his discarded shirt and pressing it between my legs to staunch the slight spotting of blood. "I love you more than the last breath of my life."
I cradled Sunjae's face in my hands; the sound of the rain rewarding the rooftops with liquid like laughter landing against our still-intertwined bodies. It had been raining the first time I'd ever met him – it was raining now too; that we were truly together. Someday – I hoped it would also rain at our wedding. "I love you too," I repeated back gently; carding my fingers through his sweat-dampened hair. "I love you more than the first time I ever walked again, Sunjae-ah."
And I always, always; will.
Notes:
...( ͡ ͜ʖ ͡)
i think i may need to visit the dentist after all this tooth-rotting fluff.
squeee!! my soljae babies are finally happy. (though i did want to spend a little time on sol's PTSD, which i was able to address a bit in this chapter.)
let me know in the comments what you thought - it truly does make my day! :)
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 24: epilogue, part i: you who teach through love the taste for heaven
Summary:
the fluff never ends! :)
Notes:
chapter title taken from a poem by charles pierre baudelaire: 'les fleurs du mal'.
sol's PoV, then sunjae's at the end!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
I'm more than thinking
about you – I'm living
about you, my love, my
happiness, (…)
Vladimir Nabokov, in a letter to his wife, Véra Nabokov (August 1924)
epilogue, part i: you who teach through love the taste for heaven
~ Six Years Later ~
"Im Sol PD-nim!"
The reporters waved me over excitedly; and I couldn't help but smile at their enthusiasm – the kaleidoscopic electricity of the flickering cameras like kindling catching flame across the red carpet. Even so; I was only conscious of Sunjae's hand in mine – the steady warmth of it sent down through all these years: a sealed promise still living between the both of us. He was the rock around which the sea of my life ran; rife with both salt and sweetness – he was the rose around which no thorn could ever grow.
He was mine – irrevocably and improbably: always, always mine. And I was his.
We were each other's for as long as the light held us.
"Im PD-nim!" The reporters called to me again; and I approached them readily: but it was the soft pride in Sunjae's eyes as he kept close to me that caused the red to ribbon in my cheeks. "You and Ryu Sunjae-sshi have just won Best Director & Best New Actor respectively; for 'A Ghost is a Gateway to Love.' How are you feeling right now after this beautiful debut from the both of you?"
"Intensely grateful," I said quietly; my eyes never leaving Sunjae's – not even for a second. He would know what I meant – he would know that every word was for him. "I don't want to take even a single moment of this – of any of this; for granted. I know that I have been blessed beyond measure to have this much – to hold this much."
Sunjae's hand tightened around mine; the touch of it so tender that I felt the first faint salt of tears tinge my eyelids. He had understood; the way that I knew he would. He had heard every silent wish that I had stored in my heart over the past six years – had softened every hardship; had serenaded every heartbreak.
He had been all the love I had ever desired – a lifetime's worth of devotion in the dimple on his cheek; flashing into place with the force of his smile.
"Im PD-nim, your work is clearly fantasy but I must ask you," a woman said animatedly; eagerly gesturing for my attention. "Do you really believe someone's ghost can be saved? That even a spirit can alter the course of someone's life?"
I looked up at Sunjae; the familiar furl of his lips – lifted now in slight amusement at the reporter's words; the sheen of health that shimmered across his cheekbones: the severe beauty of his satin-black suit.
"Yes," I said brightly; birds of paradise baring their plumage from inside the walls of my chest. "Yes, I believe it. I think love can render anything possible."
I think the whole universe might operate on love and love alone.
Staring at Sunjae; at the sweet-bitter stained ink of his hair: the pure joy in his eyes as he joined his hand to mine – I was sure that it did.
I was sure that it always would.
.
.
.
"How are you feeling, Im Sol PD-nim?" Sunjae teased me gently; kissing my cheek as we walked down the petal-strewn path of the parkway – his hand still resolutely ringed around mine. "Did you enjoy all the attention?"
"No one's attention is as good as yours," I responded; amused at how his face immediately lit up at my words. Uri idol-actor Ryu Sunjae-sshi!"
Sunjae's eyes were mischievous as he playfully pinched my cheek; but his expression was soft and framed with fondness as he trailed a finger over the side of my jaw. Still; after so many years together – the spell of his touch; the smudged heat of it: was enough to swallow me whole. "You deserve everyone's attention," he murmured; his smile widening at the pleased look on my face. "I know how hard you've worked for this, Sol-ah – and I know how much this meant to you. I hope you know how proud I am of you, my love."
I raised my fingers to his lips; beaming as they instantly parted under my touch. "I couldn't have done it without you," I said earnestly – and meant it. "This was our story – I had to tell it somehow. I don't think I could have borne anyone else acting in my movie – it was you that I made it for. And I'm so happy you got to play the role you've always had in my life."
Sunjae's gaze gentled; his eyes star-stung and silted with sweet darkness.
"I loved every second of it," he whispered; coiling his thumb around a wisp of my carefully-curled hair. "I wouldn't change it for the world, Sol-ah. But I do wish I could have done all the scenes with you instead of with an actress…"
"You certainly didn't look like you minded that at all," I responded pertly; grinning as Sunjae winced at my cheeky rejoinder. "You looked like you were enjoying yourself quite a bit, Sunjae-ah.."
Sunjae leaned down until his face was level with mine; smirking as my cheeks stippled with color at his nearness. "Oh, believe me, Sol-ah," he replied; his tone slipping with silken heat underneath my skin. "I was picturing you the whole time, I promise."
"Shameless flirt," I said reprovingly; swatting at his arm – but I couldn't deny that I was secretly thrilled by his admission. It hadn't been easy to watch him with someone else – even when I knew he had never even looked twice at any other woman except me. "You're incorrigible, Sunjae-ah."
"You know you love it," Sunjae laughed; pressing a kiss to my forehead – his countenance sobering a little as we walked through the park – this late at night there was no one nearby; no one to listen to us or the stretch of our skins seeking each other. "Sol-ah, there's something I want to say…"
I looked at him curiously; yelping in surprise as he lifted me up into his arms – carefully setting me down onto the bench next to the footpath. My face flared into the same chipped-pink as the cherry-blossom trees trimming the sky as Sunjae knelt down to the ground; delicately kissing the curves of my knees. "S-Sunjae-ah…?"
"I thank the cosmos every day for the fact that you're able to walk again," Sunjae whispered; his hair a fine fan of silk brushing against the yellow brocade of my dress. "That you're able to live out your dreams the way you've always wanted to, Sol-ah. But Solie; even though I've been lucky enough to become a part of Eclipse and now even an actor…it's you that has been my lifelong dream. The first and last dream that I've ever had. The only one that I've ever wanted to keep."
I gasped as Sunjae pulled out a jewel-studded box from his pocket; gently prising it open to reveal a topaz-and-diamond-encrusted ring; gleaming brighter than the bronze-and-silver pallor of the partially obscured moon. "Sunjae-ah…are you…?"
"My life would not be possible without you in it; Im Sol," he breathed; the slim arc of the ring like a circle of hope he held between his hands. "You make it real. You make it more beautiful despite all the rawness in the world. You make it breathe your name and yours alone. Will you make me the happiest man alive; and become my wife, my lovely Sol-ah?"
I couldn't stop the tears from falling as he spoke; the crystalline clarity of the love that I had longed for my entire life – living and lingering in the lasting softness of his face. Who would I be without this boy – who had grown so beautifully into the brightest and gentlest of men? Where would I have gone without the waiting warmth of his arms; the quiet strength with which he had stepped into my life and soul and stayed forevermore? Who could have held me the way he did – with the honey of a hundred summers; the heat and promise of a permanent and precious peace?
"Yes," I said immediately; savoring the incandescent light that limned Sunjae's face at my answer; the painstaking carefulness of his hands; trembling almost – as they slid the ring onto my waiting finger. "Yes, I'll marry you, Sunjae-ah. There is no one I love more; no other ghost who gave me more hope than you did. Your memory is mine to keep; and I'm yours now and always have been. I love you so m– oh!"
I broke off; startled; as Sunjae lifted me into his arms for the second time that night; whirling me around – the wind of his laughter buoying my lungs into burgeoning bloom. "I love you, Sol-ah," he murmured reverently; his lips fitting perfectly against the shape of my own. "I'll always keep you happy, I promise you that."
"Silly boy," I smiled; stolen by the simple beauty of this moment – the cherry-blossoms witnessing this woven enchantment of our lives now lined together side-by-side; pink with the promise of our love. "You already do, Sunjae-ah."
You make me the happiest woman in the world.
You always have.
~ / ~
I paused in surprise on the porch; the sounds of Sol's mother and my 'appa' bickering good-naturedly a familiar noise in my ears as I felt her 'halmeoni' catch at my sleeve with her wizened; still-soft fingers.
"So you're marrying my baby Sol," she said in a hoarse undertone; her normally hazy gaze: clouded with the cataracts of her fading consciousness – suddenly completely clear. "You be good to her, you hear me?"
"Of course, 'halmeoni,' I hastened to reassure her; patting her fragile, fine-boned hand. "I will always look after my Sol-ah."
I will always take care of her every need and wish as long as I'm alive.
I'll follow after her in my death, too.
"Good," her grandmother said; evidently satisfied. "I can see that your spirit is at rest now, Sunjae. I can see that it's finally found what it was looking for after all this time. Remember to trust it always – go where it takes you. And it will always take you to Sol."
I felt the ghost within me still gasp to life; its eyes fluttering open at this fleeting mention of its memory. It was now and always had been; a part of me – a metronome marking all that it had taken to tether my life to Sol's. The timelines it had taken – the sacrifice and salted effort. It was content now; caught by the peculiar prescience glittering in 'halmeoni's' gaze. No one knew that it existed except for myself and Sol – but there was a strange; seeking light in her grandmother's eyes: as if she saw all the secrets that we had sworn to keep.
Did she know; somewhere deep in the dazed silence of her heart – that it was her spell-book that had started it all: led us to our hard-won salvation?
"Spend your days well, Sunjae," she said gently; caressing the curve of my cheek with a hand calloused with age and tempered wisdom. "You've died enough times to know how precious life truly is, haven't you? Live and love Sol – have a long; long; and happy life."
I looked at her silently; overcome with the weight of my gratitude – the grove-scented sweetness of relief and affection at her words.
"You and Sol are safe now," 'halmeoni' added softly; reaching up on the tips of her toes to pat my shoulder with shaky hands. "Those who have been marked by Love are looked after by her always and forever. Rest now, Sunjae. Rest and rejoice. Your dream has been granted."
"T-Thank you," I stammered; tears pricking into prisms of light in my eyes as Sol's grandmother smiled at me affectionately before entering her house. "Thank you and whatever force is out there that let Sol and I write our stories together in the end. I won't take even a second of this time for granted."
And I'll never stop being grateful for my sunlight.
For my Sol-ah.
Notes:
happy sigh*
i love seeing our precious soljae happy and besotted.
please let me know what you thought of this chapter in the comments - it means the world to me!!!
xxx
~ nyx
Chapter 25: epilogue, part ii: nights happened like moths to a naked spark (you happened, the sea, words)
Summary:
i can't believe we've already reached the end! :')
Notes:
chapter title taken from adriana cloud's poem: "bento body."
sol's PoV throughout; then sunjae's at the end!
it's been a pleasure sharing this story with you... :)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
May these vows and this marriage be blessed.
May it be sweet milk,
this marriage, like wine and halvah.
May this marriage offer fruit and shade
like the date palm.
May this marriage be full of laughter,
our every day a day in paradise.
May this marriage be a sign of compassion,
a seal of happiness here and hereafter.
May this marriage have a fair face and a good name,
an omen as welcome as the moon in a clear blue sky.
I am out of words to describe
how spirit mingles in this marriage.
Jalāl al-Dīn Rumi, from 'This Marriage'
epilogue, part ii: nights happened like moths to a naked spark (you happened, the sea, words)
The day was as deep as gold; date-sweet and dusted with the perfume and promise of my wedding: of the white-and-yellow buds flowering in my hair.
I was marrying Sunjae today – making of our relationship something new and entire: something as lasting as the lines of old wood under my feet; the chipped-polish of the chapel seats only a reminder of the enduring vows to come. Of the covenant we had always meant to keep – that we were continuing on today.
This marriage of more than just our hands – more than just one family flaring out to join another. This marriage that meant we were never to be parted; no matter what poison might penetrate our lives. This marriage that was ours to cherish against our chests: from this day forth and into forever.
This marriage that had been mine the minute I had first looked at Sunjae; and Sunjae had first looked at me.
My mother smiled at me tremulously; smoothing a careful hand over the diaphanous dew of my wedding dress; the inverted white wings of the cloth feathering against my body like the finest of silks. "You look so beautiful, Sol," she whispered; her eyes flecked with tears as she led me out to where Taesung was waiting to escort me – a sharp; still-all-too-smug figure in his satin-black suit. "If only your father could see you right now…"
That was my one regret; I thought with the familiar ache that stung at my fingertips whenever I pictured the fading parchment of my father's face. That he couldn't see me where I was now – on the cusp of the happiest moment in my life.
That he couldn't walk me down the aisle – deliver me to the dearest warmth that had ever been mine to hold: straight into Sunjae's waiting arms.
'Appa.'
Wherever you are; even if it's just within your own nothingness – know that I'm happy and that I live in your name.
Maybe he was in the same place as Sunjae's 'eomma' – even if it was just darkness; maybe it was a darkness that they shared space in together.
A darkness that would not depart from us now or ever: a darkness that watched on – witness to this moment so steeped in the steadiness of light. Maybe he was still there; in the arm my brother braced around my shoulders as we approached the aisle – Taesung at my other side with his hand supporting the small of my back.
Maybe he was still there in these two men who had protected me; and Sunjae as well; who had helped preserve our happiness – for all these years.
Maybe he had always been a part of it all. Maybe he had never truly left.
"Last chance to run away; little Sol," Taesung teased; lackadaisical as ever as he steered me toward the aisle, Geum-ah on my other side rolling his eyes at Taesung's antics. "I'm sure I can arrange a getaway car for you."
"Don't give her any ideas," Geum-ah scolded; his grip tightening on my arm – as if he truly were afraid that I might make a run for it. But I forgot what he was saying – forgot everything but the fanned softness of Sunjae's face as I finally stepped down the aisle: the sheen of silver in his eyes as he waited for me at the front of the church; the stained-glass windows sending stipples of rainbow-light reflecting off of the spotless white of his suit. He was so beautiful; the burn of longing still burnishing his gaze as his body almost twitched towards me – as if he wanted to reach for me right there and then; custom and ceremony all be damned.
In the awed look that actualized his features into an alchemy of devotion: I could see the boy he had been; yearning for my touch and my tinted words.
The years were disappearing under my feet as I reached his side with the rhythm of Inhyuk playing the first few piano notes of ' 'Sonagi' resplendent in my ears; my age agile and nimble as it leaped away from me until I was a girl again; giddy with the sweet syrup of Sunjae's eyes: how they were drinking in every step that I took towards him until I was finally at his side.
Sunjae's hand trembled as he lifted it to wrap around mine; a tanned movement of tenderness that spoke of the trust of countless years: the clear air of careworn hope that he still carried with him. I smiled at him; joy a jewel brighter than the ring on my finger as we turned together to face the priest.
"You may now say your vows," the priest said gently; his lined face crinkling with mild amusement as my mother and Sunjae's father clutched at each other for comfort; their hastily-stifled sobs under 'halmeoni's' stern stare still managing to make Sunjae break out into a grin.
His expression sobered gradually as he gave his full attention to me; his gaze softening into silt as he squeezed my hand within his with infinite gentleness.
"My precious Im Sol," he began; and red bloomed in my cheeks at the absolute reverence in his tone. "I'll keep this short and sweet; just like you. I have loved you since the first moment I ever laid eyes on you. Nothing is as sacred to me as the syllables of your name. Join them to mine and I will be the happiest man alive. Sol-ah, my Solie…you have been the solace behind every song. I am yours now and forever."
"My sweetest Ryu Sunjae," I replied; the tears in my eyes taking the shape of his own. "I have listened to the sound of your spirit for as long as I can remember. There is no hymn more holy to my heart than the hum of your heartbeat. Sunjae-ah…you have been the secret inside every one of my scripts. I am yours now and forever."
"Set me as a seal upon thy heart," Sunjae whispered – old words for the ancient everlasting of our love – bronze and bright as newly-minted coins. "Set me as a seal upon thy arm," I murmured back. "For love is as strong as the grave; and yet more unyielding still," we both finished. "And neither death nor life; nor things present or absent – shall ever be able to separate us from this day forth."
"You may now kiss the bride," the priest pronounced softly; and I drowned in the dark flame of Sunjae's eyes as he gently tilted my face up to his: the obsidian conflagration of his gaze swallowing me whole as he dipped his lips against the seeking lines of my own. I could almost taste his dimple – the delight of his mouth mapping the contours of mine as closely as possible. I closed my eyes; hearing the rain renew itself over the shingled roof of the church as Sunjae kissed my skin into the keenness of being.
We were married now.
We were together – there were no other wishes to be won from the world. I had them all.
Best of all – I had him. I had Sunjae – for the rest of my life. For the rest of forever.
.
.
.
I smiled; kindled into flower by the green-blue glow of the waves at night – still visible from my vantage point standing outside the old village house.
Inhyuk had been mystified as to why Sunjae and I had requested that we spend the first night of our honeymoon in his parents' house in Busan while they were away to Seoul – but it was nothing that could have been explained.
Only Sunjae and I remembered the tenderest parts of that particular timeline – what our first ever night in this house had meant to us. The memory was as vivid as if it were yesterday; I thought – my cheeks staining red at the reminder as I stepped into the guestroom with Sunjae; the soft hush of my silk wedding dress sighing against the skin of my ankles.
I blushed further as Sunjae's gaze darkened; his eyes trailing over the tops of my thighs and even higher – upwards to the swell of my breasts: and how they were beginning to strain against the fabric of my dress at the sin seeping freely from his gaze.
"I can't ever forget that night," he said huskily; his lips ghosting over the thin skin of my throat until goosebumps rose along with my gasp. "The first time I ever properly made you mine, Sol-ah…the way you moaned for me…"
"I can't forget it either," I admitted breathlessly; trembling at Sunjae's slow; tantalizing touch – his thumbs barely brushing over my rapidly-hardening breasts. "Sunjae-ah…"
"Then let me recreate it for you," Sunjae said smoothly; the rough velvet of his voice raising red all over my face. Anticipation coiling low in my belly; I attempted to pull my dress off – faltering in surprise as Sunjae's fingers fastened around mine, stilling my movements. "No, I want you like this," he murmured; his voice gaining more heat with each passing second. "I want you in your wedding dress, Solie."
My cheeks blazed with color as Sunjae sunk to his knees; rucking up the soft silk of my dress over my thighs until I was exposed to the cool night air. I exhaled sharply as Sunjae tugged the delicate lace of my panties down; sliding his fingers against my slit. "Beautiful," he breathed; the low incline of his head lurching in my lungs as he pressed a kiss to my core; his tongue flicking out to taste my wetness.
I moaned as Sunjae used his fingers to part me open; curling knuckle-deep into me and crooking against the spot that had me bucking my hips desperately against his hand. His tongue slipped into me with a sinful 'pop,' licking tight, wet circles around the sensitive nub of nerves at my center until I was squirming and whimpering his name. "S-Sunjae-ah…"
"My pretty little wife," he crooned; and I flushed stinging scarlet at the endearment – the possessive claim coloring his tone as he thrust his fingers in deep; my legs spreading wider as his tongue sucked at my core with slick; searing focus. "I could listen to you moan forever..."
"P-Please, I'm c-close," I panted; whimpering as Sunjae's fingers played with my folds; his mouth mapping into my core until I was shaking with the need for release. Pleasure quivered low in my stomach; my skin simmering with want. Just as I was about to shudder apart; Sunjae pulled away – smiling softly at my instant; keening protest at the emptiness between my legs; bereft of his touch.
"So cute, my Solie," he cooed; deftly unbuttoning his pants; visibly straining as he tugged down his boxers. "But I want to feel you come around me, sweetheart."
I gasped as he entered me with a single swift motion; filling me to the brim as I cried out his name. His hips pistoned forward; fast and hard and full of heat as my voice grew in volume; his arm snaking up my silk-covered waist until he was rolling my nipples between his fingers; pinching the peaked flesh until I almost screamed with the force of my pleasure. "Cum for me, Sol-ah," Sunjae said; his tone ragged and rum-dark as I moaned uncontrollably; my legs spasming as I clenched around him; stars scintillating to life behind my eyelids as I came. Sunjae let out a low groan; his hands leaving thumbprints against the sides of my waist as he pushed in deep; thrusting into me until I was writhing and boneless with pleasure; my mouth parted as I felt wetness pool between my thighs as he found his own release; his mouth murmuring low oaths into the shell of my ear.
"You…are…perfect…" Sunjae panted; gently nipping at my inner thigh before he withdrew from me. "My sweet Solie…"
"I love you," he whispered; cradling me against his chest as our breaths slowed and synced together.
Color bloomed burgundy in my cheeks as he bent his head forward; brushing his lips over my left breast – right over my beating heart. "Congratulations on your first night of marriage, Mrs. Ryu – I hope you know that I love you more than anything else in the world."
~ / ~
I looked curiously at Sol as she smiled at me; her face suddenly tentative and slightly touched with pink. "I have something for you," she said softly; her voice still breathless from the exertions of before; and I had to physically bite the inside of my cheek to keep from pulling her into my arms again – from making her moan even louder than how she already had before. Sol was just too beautiful for her own good – or for mine.
Sol-ah…
You're killing me…
She noticed my fixed stare; and swatted my arm in playful admonishment. "Behave," she said reprovingly; but I could see that she was holding back a pleased smile.
I gave her a wolfish grin in return.
"Are you sure you really want me to?" I asked teasingly; touching the red still rippling across her cheeks. Sol smiled at me; sticking out her tongue in mock-protest – and my grin widened. She just kept getting more and more adorable each day – and she was entirely unaware of it. Not that I minded being the one to tell her. At all.
"Cool your jets for one minute, you insatiable beast," she giggled – and then her face grew more serious as she withdrew a sheaf of papers from her purse and held them out to me. "Sunjae-ah…I don't know how you'll feel about this…but I wanted to do this for you. I wanted to do this for the both of us..."
I took the papers from her proffered hands; scanning the neatly-printed words. I froze as I registered what was written on the thin; cream-colored pages. "T-This…" I stammered; not believing my own eyes as I immediately reached for Sol's hand. "This is a will…stating that you want to be buried in the same grave as me, Sol-ah."
"Yes," she said slowly; her eyes searching my face carefully for my reaction. "I know it might seem morbid, Sunjae-ah…but I know what I want. When I become nothing more than dust; I want to be part of your dust. When the earth takes my body, I want it to be inseparable from yours. When you were a ghost, you once told me that your death belonged to me, Sunjae-ah. And I want you to know that my death belongs to you, too. I want you to – oh!"
Sol couldn't finish her sentence; because I had lifted her into my arms – burying my face in her neck to hide the hot gratitude of my tears. What had I done to deserve her in my life? The grace of her hands; grave and gentle against my jaw – the soft weight of her hair tickling my collarbones. The lingering laugh of her breath in my lungs – light as lemon and just as fresh.
The ghost in my heart gave eternal thanks; kneeling in obeisance to the nestled silk of her name.
"My soul is yours, Sol-ah," I told her hoarsely – kissing her forehead with the careful adoration that I meant to show her for the rest of our lives – our entire future; golden and gleaming with promise. "My soul will stay at your feet and worship for as long as you'll have me, my love."
I'll love you forever and always, Sol-ah.
And if a time after always exists – I'll love you there too.
I'll never stop loving you.
Not even with my last breath.
~ fin ~
Notes:
...
what to say at the very end? how to sum up a story that means so much to me?
first of all; i want to thank each and every person who has commented on this 'fic. your words mean the most to me; and i have been beyond humbled and overwhelmed by the generous response to this work. i appreciate your thoughts and your love for these characters from the bottom of my heart - thank you for giving me and this story so much grace. 33
i can never forget april 2024 - because it brought me lovely runner. before this no show had ever managed to shear past the barriers i (and we all) hold from being touched deeply. from being made to feel vulnerable. but lovely runner came like the first monsoon rain - washed me clean with tenderness. rendered me open to the intimacy of life; the sanctity of love. filled me with incandescent; incantatory light.
when something is made with so much reverence - it is impossible to not send your own devotion back into its arms. i know the chances of this 'fic being seen by its creators; writers, or even actors - is next to impossible - but i wanted to give something back to this drama that allowed me to enter more deeply into my own imagination. i wanted to add my own love and light to this source of infinite hope.
i've mentioned this at length in an earlier post on my tumblr: but sunjae's character reminded me of my best friend in the whole world; whom i lost more than seven years ago to an untimely death. i don't have a watch to go back in time with and save him - but maybe it was enough to see some version of him on my screen: finding love. seeking happiness.
love once given will always come back to you - and i hope he returns to me in life after life. in love after love.
this story is in large part an homage to the many-roomed mosques of his memory - a goodbye and a greeting to his ghost. i truly believe the words i gave the title of sol's movie: a ghost can be a gateway to love - a conduit for all the unexpressed longing you gather in your arms in place of a person. a ghost can be a beautiful thing: a blossoming ache inside your bones that bears the names of every person you have ever adored. a ghost is proof of your humanity - a sign that a heartbeat is sacred; even if it has stopped existing years ago.
in writing this i hope i have kept the ghost of him alive and alchemized with my witness; blooming blue and eternal as the sea in which this story found its rebirth - in reading this i hope some part of him will exist in you too. i hope he will be carried in the silt of every gentle stranger's hands.
i find that as i have written the end; there is more that i want to say about sol and sunjae: about love that can move the sun and the stars. i have another 'fic that i wish to write - a mature (in every sense of the word) romance in which sunjae and sol meet as adults in a fully non-fantasy world. i want to explore what love looks like in an ordinary existence - how even without a watch or time-travel the treasure of love can still be exactly that: precious beyond measure and full of pure magic. it can still be world-altering.
i won't divulge the full plot-points yet: but it'll be very different from the work that i've done so far.
i'm a little hesitant about proceeding with this 'fic because i don't know if people will read another story from me - it's been many months since the show ended; and i know comments have been declining for this story as well. i've also been on a sabbatical from work up until now; and will be resuming with my job again from tomorrow - so my updates will be slower: most probably once a week from now on. if any of you would still be interested in reading another soljae 'fic from me despite all this - please do let me know in the comments. depending on the response, i'll try to have the first chapter out on sunday.
thank you all for joining me on this journey.
xxx (yours with deep gratitude),
~ nyx
Notes:
make my day and let me know what you thought about this chapter in a comment - i'd love to hear from you. :)
you can also drop me an ask on my tumblr if you want to talk about this 'fic: @sunlighthrough-theashes
xxx
~ nyx