Letting It Out

TW - reference to past suicidal thoughts

On a particularly cold and wet evening in late January, Claudia got back to her office from the last meeting of the day to discover a sizeable cardboard box on her desk. There was only a short note accompanying the package, which read: 'I want them back intact.' There was no signature, no further explanation, nothing.

Supressing her hunger, Claudia threw a few charms at the box to make sure it was not exceedingly dangerous, and then opened it to discover that it contained dozens of volumes of Cassandra Trelawney's diaries.

It was too tempting to just forget dinner and dive into the research, but Claudia was starving. And she knew that if she opened just one of these things, she was never going to be able to stop reading until the morning. So, she briefly went out to buy dinner in a muggle chip shop across the road from the Ministry and returned just as everyone went home.

Picking her chips mindlessly with her left hand, and keeping her right one grease-free, Claudia started to flip through the pages of the journals. Almost instantly, it was obvious that her great-great grandmother did not subscribe to the same theory of the soulmate bond that Claudia had previously found herself to be attracted to.

Notebook after notebook were filled with theories of how soulmate bonds came into being. Claudia's head was spinning from it all. Could it be as told in Ancient Greek tales, that the Gods created two joined humans in one body, and that when these humans wanted to take over the Gods, they were punished by being separated from each other, and doomed to spend their life looking for their other half? Or was it that people spent multiple lives, and the afterlife, together? Destined to look for each other in each? It all seemed a little bit farfetched.

What she felt for Sirius was much simpler than that – they became friends because of their similar circumstances and fell in love because- She did not even know why. But she doubted that some ancient Gods had anything to do with it. As for the afterlife, Claudia did not even know if she truly believed in it. Yes, there were ghosts… It was undeniable that the soul could live after the body has died. But was that for eternity? Or did souls dissolve into cosmic energy after they had passed through? Who knew? Who even had time to think about it?

She threw one of the notebooks back into the box in frustration. But despite spending a whole night with these notebooks, there was nothing of use – all Cassandra seemed to have cared about was finding her soulmate. Claudia did not need that, she had one. Besides, there was not a hint of proof that any of this was even real. Figuring the power of these bonds, saving Sirius… This was up to Claudia.

She took out a fresh notebook from her drawer and had to smile. By a happy coincidence, it looked nearly identical to the ones Cassandra was using. That was one way to continue a family tradition.

Claudia spent the next few hours writing down everything she knew, all that the tattoos ever did. And the prophecy. All the questions she had. By midnight, the list of unanswered question was longer than the list of facts she had established. Was it a fragment of a soul that lived within them? Was it just a link? Was it a combination of both? Could it be used as a conduit for magic? Would it survive either of them?

Claudia reached for another chip but found that bag was empty. Maybe she should go check out the Inner Sanctum to see if they got further than Cassandra. But her eyes began to close and she involuntarily yawned. She will go check out the Inner Sanctum, after she rested her eyes a little-

But that little rest resulted in a deep sleep, and Claudia barely had time to shower and throw on some fresh clothes before her first meeting. It was only at the end of the day that she finally made it to the Inner Sanctum. But all she found on soulmates was a few disparaging remarks that it was a soft discipline. No one in Division Twelve seemed to have given it a second thought.

Once Claudia exhausted these immediate avenues to pursue her soulmate research, she knew it was time to occupy herself with something else and try to find Peter's mother. Desperate not to get too frustrated, she got to work immediately. It did not take long to find the right address – one quick question to a Ministry's records clerk, and even quicker obliviating spell ensured that.

There was no real reason to delay her trip, so Claudia set off immediately. It was not far from the Ministry. In fact, it was only a fifteen-minute walk from the house that Sirius had grown up in. But as she looked around the neighbourhood that Peter grew up in, it may have easily been a different universe. The streets were narrow. Litter was scattered everywhere. The estate where Mrs Pettigrew resided was covered in washing and children were running up and down the stairs and shouting profanities at each other.

Claudia stared the kids down until they parted to create a path up the staircase, and she climbed to the third floor. The outdoor walkway connecting all the flats to the main staircase was deserted. It looked like she may have gotten away with leaving in a hurry and forgetting the cloak. At the end of the walkway, Claudia found the Pettigrew's flat. The window was a little ajar. An old woman, who carried the same half-vacant expression on her face that Peter did, was sitting in an armchair and watching muggle television.

For a second, Claudia searched her own brain to try remembering whether Peter's family was muggle or magical. But she came up short. Not that it mattered anyway. She took out her Legilimency wand from her sleeve and pointed it, as discreetly as she could, at the person she assumed was Peter's mother. A flood of scattered memories hit her hard – shouting, tears, anger. Claudia knew that the only way to make any sense of this was to discipline her mind. Peter, she thought, focus on Peter.

And in an instant, there he was- A boy of about six, drenched in rain and standing on a dark threshold. It was not clear where he was. What was clear, however, was that he was sobbing. "I waited at school. Noone came-" he cried.

"Quit whining!" a loud voice cut him off and Peter's body visibly tensed up. "And why are you shivering?"

"It's cold-"

"Get out of my sight-"

Claudia refocused. This is not what she came for, not what she needed. She guided the memories to show her something from when he was older.

Very quickly, another memory had materialised. A group of teenage boys were playing football in the yard of the estate Claudia was just visiting. The sun was baking. It looked like it was at the height of summer.

"Hey, you!" a burly man yelled at Peter, who was about thirteen now, sitting on the sideline. "Go play so you don't get even fatter than you already are."

"I don't want to-" Peter mumbled into a book.

One sudden movement and the book was flying out of Peter's hands, and he was being pushed towards the makeshift pitch. The closer he got, the more he resisted. The other boys began to laugh, chant…

"Weepy Petey!"

"Weepy Petey!"

Louder and louder…

Claudia moved on to different part of Mrs Pettigrew's brain. She had enough humiliating memories from her own childhood, and she did not need Peter's to boot.

And just then, she struck gold. The memory of Peter's mother being told that he had died and receiving the posthumous Order of Merlin. Everything about her in that moment seemed genuine. And no matter how much Claudia searched and searched, she found nothing more recent than that. There was no other explanation for it. Peter's mother must have thought he was dead.

Great, another dead end, she thought as she stuck her Legilimency wand back into her sleeve. And with one last look at Peter's mother, who was still staring at the television, Claudia left.

In an attempt to clear her head (and overcome her frustration that nothing was going her way), she decided to walk home, a walk that took her right past Diagon Alley. But she was in no mood to shop. Peter was all she could think about. She had no idea this is what Peter had at home growing up. But she could hardly feel sorry for him. It was no excuse. She did not sell out her friends to Voldemort because she had a sad childhood.

Just as she had that thought, she stopped in her tracks at the entrance to Knocturn Alley. All thought of Peter was forgotten. If there was one place outside the Department of Mysteries that could have something useful on soul bonds, it was Borgin!

"Ah, Claudia Avery!" Borgin exclaimed the moment she entered his shop. "The one Ministry official I'm actually pleased to see."

"Is it because I don't ask questions?" she said with a smirk. "Or because I have deeper pockets than most?"

"Because you are a wonk."

"Thanks."

"It was a compliment. It's refreshing dealing with someone who is simply interested in magic without all that tiresome prejudice," he clarified. "Speaking of-" he shuffled over to one of the dusty shelves in his shop. "What do you make of this?"

Claudia extended her arm and within the second was grasping an ornamental cube. She closed her eyes to truly focus on its content. There was something inside of it. Claudia could feel it chilling her bones. Whatever it was, it was dark. She tapped the cube with her wand – the pattern on the cube moved around for a moment and then stopped. But the cube remained closed and the dark presence within it remained undeterred. "You're way in over your head with this one, aren't you?" Claudia asked Borgin.

Grudgingly, he nodded.

"Can I take it?"

"For two hundred galleon you can."

Claudia laughed. "I'm not paying for the privilege to help you." She passed him the cube back. "Keep it."

"What's your offer, then?"

"I'll get it checked over to make sure you aren't about to release the dragonpox in the middle of London. If you are, or if we deem it equally dangerous, we'll keep it. If it's not that dangerous-" she paused. "Well, you know the drill."

"Have it your way, Avery," he replied grumpily and reluctantly passed her the artefact. "Anything else?" he added when Claudia lingered.

"Do you have any books on soul magic? Soulmates in particular."

He gave her a dubious look. "What for? Isn't that a bit, you know…"

"I'm doing someone a favour."

"Let me have a look then."

Once Borgin disappeared, Claudia began perusing the shop to kill time. It was a far cry from her first auror case when she was stomping on these people necks. Now her job was not to get all self-righteous about a bit of dark magic. It was to study it. And that sometimes meant making alliances that would make her former auror-self shudder.

After about ten or fifteen minutes, Borgin returned with a pile of beaten up old books. "My father kept these under lock and key. Not sure why, they don't seem especially dangerous-" he said and handed them over.

Holding onto the pile with one arm, Claudia opened up the first one with her other hand and flicked through it. The content certainly seemed new – there were chapters on severing a soul bond, killing your soulmate… It was not exactly what she was after, but it was new and thus interesting. "How did your father come by these?"

"Not sure," Borgin replied. "Wait, I think one of his old assistants left them behind."

"Do you know their name? I'd be interested in talking to them."

"Sorry. My father rarely talked about him."

Claudia looked at the books. "Can I borrow these?"

"I don't want them caught up in the Ministry's bureaucracy."

"Personal use only?"

Borgin smiled and nodded. "Personal use only."

Claudia said her goodbyes and rushed through Diagon Alley to get home and look at these books properly. But in the Leaky Cauldron, she saw something – or someone – who made her stop in her tracks. Not going to talk to him again, she thought to herself and put her head down. Marcus was sitting just by the fireplace, drinking alone. Maybe if she walked fast, he would not notice her over the rim of his whiskey glass. But she was wrong-

"Still walking free, I see-" Marcus sneered as she tried to rush past him. "Your boyfriend's escape didn't make them dredge up your Death Eater past and put you away for good?"

Claudia took two steps backwards and leaned towards her brother. "There are only a few people in this world that know with absolute certainty that I'm no Death Eater," she hissed. "And you're one of them, so shut your mouth."

Marcus smirked. "Father didn't tell me Black was a Death Eater either." His eyes were watery. Claudia was pretty sure he was not going to remember this conversation tomorrow. "And he certainly wouldn't have told me if he had turned you." He took another sip of his drink. "Don't blame him. I'd have ratted you out instantly."

"Sirius wasn't a Death-" Claudia said, choosing to ignore his allegations she was one, but Marcus' hollow laugh interrupted her.

"Right- still in denial about that?"

"Fuck off."

Marcus tried to reach for her arm but missed. "Sit down with me. I'm sick of drinking alone."

"Pass." She turned towards the exist of the pub and took a few quick steps.

"We're family!" he yelled after her. "You cannot go on treating me like this!"

"Yes, I can," she muttered under her breath and apparated home frustrated that she met yet another dead end. Marcus did not know anything either!

She had nothing for Sirius. Peter's mother clearly thought what everyone else did, that her son died back in eighty-one by Sirius' hand. Marcus was useless, as was Cassandra's research.

And as for Borgin's books… Half of them were incomprehensible, and the other half worthless. Unless she wanted to murder Sirius without getting near him. Even on a bad day, she would not wish that on him. Even on a bad day, she wanted to save him from his prophesised death. Even on a bad day, she wanted to see him. So, she gritted her teeth to keep a lid on her many frustrations and counted the days until their next meeting.

When the day finally arrived, she could hardly contain herself. At the appointed time, Claudia reached for the soul jewel and, without a single doubt in her mind, apparated.

She felt a sudden jolt. Then, a sharp pain for the briefest of moments before she was knocked back into nothingness.

When Claudia came around, all she could see were trees. Bare, frost-covered trees. She shivered. It was windy and the clouds looked like it was supposed to start snowing any minute. But there was something more to this cold, something deeper than just the weather. The realisation came slowly to Claudia – she was in the Forbidden Forest, bounced off the Hogwarts apparition shield like a ragdoll. And the cold she felt were the Dementors protecting the Hogwarts grounds.

For a few minutes, she limped around and searched the undergrowth, on the off chance she ended up here because that was where Sirius was. But he was nowhere to be found. She waited for a few minutes and then looked into the jewel again. That one look revealed that he was by the lake, sleeping on the ground.

She began to feel the dementors more intensely. A brief glance at the darkening sky told her why – a couple of them were floating high above the trees. A clear sign that Claudia needed to get out of there. Without a further delay, she apparated to Edinburg and took Floo back to London.

Once home, her brain run through every permutation. She tried very hard to convince herself that Sirius had just forgotten. He said it himself; it was hard to keep track of the days. But staring into the jewel for any sign that he moved, she could not quite shake this horrible feeling that he knew exactly what day it was…

Claudia checked the jewel day after day – and Sirius had not left the bank of the lake. And with each day, she was surer and surer that this was not forgetfulness. This was by design. He was avoiding her! Just thinking about that option made her so unspeakably angry and hurt that she did everything she could not to think about it – she worked, avoided people and worked some more. And when it was time to stop working, she downed her sleeping draught and hoped she would not dream about his betrayal. The last thing she needed was for it to plague her dreams too.

But Claudia had no choice but to emerge from the pool of her simmering frustration for the next meeting of the World Cup Task Force. The stack of papers for the meeting lay unopened at her desk for far too long. She despaired just flicking through it. The pack seemingly contained all the World Cup preparations that were completed to date. It included her rules, ready to be approved, requirements of the team, a long list of people allocated VIP tickets-

Claudia made sure her coffee pot was full. This would have taken all night even if her concentration was not shot to pieces. But before Claudia could get through any of it, she noticed a loose sheet sticking out of the neat pile. She gripped it between her fingers and pulled it out.

'Just met with the President of the Irish Quidditch Association about the requirements for equipment and tickets, in case his lot get to the final. What an absolute tool. It's crystal clear that all he is trying to do it to torpedo Dartmoor as a location for the World Cup final with his unreasonable demands. Of course, all of these requirements were passed on verbally. He knows I would leak it if I could.'

Claudia struggled to contain her glee. This was unmistakeably Crouch's handwriting and political dynamite. But it was only going to get better-

'Reminder – ask RS to send someone to my next meeting to pose as a secretary. I want the Prophet to hear it from his mouth. I want him gone.

Reminder – speak to whoever is refereeing the Irish semifinal to see what can be done.'

She nearly gasped at the last sentence. What the hell was this? Was this a rough draft of an internal memo? Was it an entry from his diary? Why would he even be writing stuff like this down? And just how did it find its way to Claudia's Task Force Pack?

But, regardless of what this was or how it came to her possession, she could not stop smiling. This was political dynamite. And Crouch's career was in her hands. All she needed was to get this, and the previous memo for context, to someone at the Daily Prophet.

After an evening of regretting that Fabian was dead, and wondering how best to do it without leaving a trace, she decided to sneak into the Prophet's office under the Invisibility Cloak and leave it on someone's desk. Getting in contact with anyone, or posting it was too risky. With that plan in her mind, she slept soundly for the first time since Sirius stood her up.

The following morning, she was talking to Auberon, moving some meetings around, to give herself enough time to sneak into the Prophet's offices, when Agrippa tugged on her arm and nudged her to the side.

"Good morning!" she said jovially. Today was a good day. Today was the day that Bartemius Crouch got what he deserved.

But Agrippa's face did not at all reflect Claudia's mood. "Have you heard?" he asked in a low tone.

"Heard what?"

"Black broke into the Gryffindor Tower last night."

Claudia heart began to beat at a million miles. Did he succeed? Did he get Peter? "What happened?" she uttered, trying to control her face as not to give her excitement away.

"Nothing seemingly," Agrippa replied with a shrug and Claudia's heart sunk a little. "He run off again. Potter and all the other kids are accounted for though."

"Great-" Claudia sighed and absentmindedly walked away from Agrippa and into her office, mentally readying herself for another day of interrogation by the aurors. She barely cared about that anymore, she could handle them. What she struggled to handle was having to postpone her trip to the Prophet, and trying not to daydream about jinxing Sirius for abandoning her and going rogue (again!).

When she finally got home, desperate to get away from prying eyes and get some much needed sleep, there was a howler waiting for her. Before she could blast it, Augusta Longbottom's ear-splitting voice filled Claudia's tiny living room.

'How dare you? I know you put him up to it, asked him to write down the Gryffindor Tower passwords so that the boyfriend of yours could take advantage of him and steal them.

His school years have been ruined because of you. Longer detention than he can comprehend and a ban from Hogsmeade. He will be ostracised! And it is all your fault. You are to stay away from my grandson, do you understand?'

Claudia sighed, as she watched the howler disappeared in a puff of smoke. "Great…" Not only did Sirius pushed her away like a piece of garbage. Now he was endangering the only person she cared about and ruining her relationship with him. The urge to find and yell at him was stronger than ever. Except she had no idea how to get to him. Besides, before she even tried, she needed to fix her Neville problem- She took a deep breath to settle her anger and nerves, and within a minute, was knocking on Augusta Longbottom's door.

"I meant what I said," the old witch exclaimed from behind the closed door. "I'll call the aurors!"

"I'm not here to fight." Claudia leaned against the door. "Look, I know I made mistakes. But the one thing I would never do would be to put Neville in danger. I would never ask him to write down the passwords. I would never tell Sirius to take advantage of him like that. You have to believe me."

Slowly, the door creaked open, and Augusta showed Claudia into the sitting room without as much as a word and warmed up the tea pot.

"What are we going to do with that boy…" Mrs Longbottom uttered. "Tea?"

"We could do a lot worse than him." Claudia lifted a cup so that Augusta could fill it.

"He will never recover from this."

"All he needs is a bit of confidence. He needs encouragement." Claudia paused to summon some courage. "He needs you to cut him some slack-"

Augusta's brow furrowed. "He's nothing like his father-" she changed the subject.

"Frank was a lot like Neville."

"No, he wasn't…"

Claudia had to chuckle. "He nearly lost Alice because he was too scared to tell her he was in the Order. He saved himself by the clumsiest marriage proposal I've ever seen. It took him so long to get to the point, poor Alice thought he was already married to someone else!"

"My Frank?" Augusta whispered in disbelief.

"Your Frank- He was still a hero. And Neville will be too, he just needs a chance." She leaned forward. "He worships you. I know you want to raise him to be strong. But he's trying so hard to make you happy, he's a nervous wreck."

Augusta suddenly looked her age, shrivelled and grey. "What would you have me do?" she sighed.

"Just tell him you love him for who he is. That's all any kid needs to hear."

"Is that what your parents taught you?"

Claudia laughed. "No. They did the exact opposite…" Something dawned on her the moment these words left her lips. There was only ever one person who loved her for who she truly was. "I should get going."

"I'll show you out."

"It's alright. I know my way out."

Claudia apparated home and slumped into the sofa. Hurt, fury, sadness, love… She had no idea how she felt about Sirius right in that moment. She wrote a quick note to Neville trying to reassure him that everything will be forgotten soon, and that he should not be too hard on himself. But even that took all her concentration. She struggled to find the right words because the only thing she knew for certain was that she needed to see Sirius right now before her anger escalated beyond repair.

In her desperation, she took one look into the jewel to confirm that Sirius was still by the lake and, half-hoping she might get luckier this time, gripped the soul jewel in her palm, and apparated.

She did not get luckier. Her attempt to apparate through the shield ended exactly the same way as last time. But Claudia could not care less. She healed that minor splich and looked around. She was not in the same place as last time, but she could just about see the tips of the Hogwarts' castle towers. That was the direction she needed to head in. A slight cold came over her but she shrugged it off… She needed to get to the lake, Dementors or no Dementors.

A Patronus would attract too much attention in the open, Claudia thought, so her Occlumency powers would have to be enough to get her through. Clearing head of emotion was not easy, not after all the things she felt about Sirius right now. And it was a long, hard walk past the Dementors and it took all the concentration she had, but ultimately, with a bit of luck, she made it.

Her eyes landed on Padfoot, curled against a rock.

"Sirius," she whispered, finally feeling able to let her concentration slip.

The dog jumped to all four and launched himself towards Claudia, nearly knocking her backwards.

"What are you doing?" she hissed.

Padfoot sunk his teeth into her sleeve and dragged her deeper and deeper into the forest, despite Claudia's protestations. Once they were covered by a thick layer of trees, he transformed.

"How did you- You shouldn't be here!" he barked.

She threw her arms into the air. He was being ridiculous, predictably so… "You don't get to be angry with me!" she replied, her voice seeping with frustration.

"You have to go. This is dangerous."

"Stop it!" she yelled. "I'm not going anywhere. I though you got that at Christmas. But you just keep pushing me away-"

Sirius uttered something incomprehensible and turned away.

"What?"

"Because you're better off without me!"

Claudia took a few steps towards him. "That's not your call to make. Not again. I love you-" she began extending her arm-

"Why?" Sirius barked, turning abruptly to face her. "Why do you love me? All I've ever given you was misery."

Claudia's arm dropped back to her side. "What are you talking about?" she mumbled.

"Tell me about one time we were actually happy!"

Claudia began to tear up. How could he say something this hurtful? How could he- But then, something clicked in her mind. There were few moments when did not recognise the hotel in Edinburgh or the chat they had before the Dementors showed up last time they saw each other. "You don't remember everything, do you?" she whispered after a long pause. "You've lost parts of your memory in Azkaban."

"How am I supposed to know what I don't know?" he said defensively.

She took a deep breath and reached for the hand the shell of a man that was left of the love of her life. "Do you remember our first kiss?"

Sirius froze and shook his head. "No-" His voice was breaking. All the anger had drained out of his face as he dropped to the floor. All that was left was sadness.

"Oh Sirius…" she whispered and kneeled in front of him. "I'm sorry-" she held onto the back of his head for dear life. "Do you know why I love you? I love you because you've always believed in me. You've always took me for who I am, never tried to change me." She was tearing up with him. "You are never scared to speak the truth, tell it how it is. And we were so happy."

"I wish I could remember-" He said and began to rub his palms.

"Do you remember, at James' and Lily's wedding, when we snuck out at the end?"

Sirius shook his head.

"We were just lying in the grass, drinking champagne- Hold on," she mumbled and touched his forehead with her own. Her eyes were lit up with an idea. She did not have to put it into words. If she could access his memories, she could surely share her own.

She took a deep breath, searched her own mind and then placed the tip of her Legilimency wand on Sirius' temple.

In an instant, they were transported to a warm summer evening. Their nineteen-year-old selves were just finishing one of the wedding games when Sirius brushed Claudia's shoulders with the palms of his hand. "Should we get out of here?" he asked. But when he saw a hint of hesitation on Claudia's face, he laughed and shook his head. "If you chose this game over me, I want a divorce too."

Claudia smiled and took his hand. "Let's get out of here, then."

They walked past the bar to pick up a bottle of champagne and bumped into the Tonkses. Ted and Andromeda came to say goodbye. Nymphadora was passed out on Ted's shoulder. Sirius gave them both the longest hug and they were on their way.

"I don't think I've ever seen you this happy," Claudia whispered as they walked towards a lonely tree in the grounds of the house where the wedding was taking place.

"I realised something today," Sirius replied. "I do have a family that loves me and is proud of me."

"They love you so much."

They sat down by the foot of the tree and Sirius popped open the bottle of champagne. He passed it to his girlfriend to take the first sip. As he did, she caught a glance of his forearm.

Claudia ran the fingers over his new tattoo. "I can't believe you did this. It's so..." she paused for a moment, looking for the right word. "Permanent."

"Just because we aren't getting married, doesn't mean I won't love you for the rest of my life."

Claudia wrapped her arms around Sirius' neck and kissed him. "I want one too," she uttered.

"A fox?" he asked but Claudia shook her head. "Or my patronus? A dog?"

"Hate dogs," Claudia smirked and turned her head slightly to look at the stars. "What about the Canis Major?"

With that, the memory had dissolved…

"How did you?" Sirius gasped when Claudia broke the connection. "What did you?"

"I told you I'm ten times the witch I was when you went to Azkaban," she replied with a smile. "I could show you dozens of memories like this. So, please trust me when I tell you we were happy-" her eyes began to water again. "And my love for you isn't some delusion. It's real."

Sirius said nothing, but he wrapped his arms around his girlfriend. "I love you too. That much I remember."

"So, now you believe me our love is real. Please tell me how I can help!"

Sirius slowly released her. "Claude, listen to me… This doesn't change anything. You have to be safe. You have to be careful. You being alright." He paused and Claudia's blood began to boil again. "It makes it all worth it… The twelve years in Azkaban are worth you being okay."

Something snapped inside Claudia's chest. She was done hiding her anger. "Okay?" she barked. "How could you possibly think I've been okay? Do you think it was easy for me? My best friend doesn't know who I am. I was fired. Lost all my friends. Was publicly ridiculed. I was arrested!"

"Alive then," he said with a shrug. "It's all worth because you're alive."

"Pure coincidence-" Claudia was done holding things back for his sake. Her body was still shaking and she was too tired to keep that wall up-

"What do you mean?"

She looked and his face and second thoughts flooded her mind. There is no way he could handle this.

Sirius placed her hands on her shoulders. "You can tell me anything-"

Claudia wiped her eyes. "It's just that I don't want to be alone anymore. I can't be alone. I need you." She paused and then lowered her voice, still trying to summon the courage. "More than you could possibly imagine."

"Please talk to me. What happened?"

She closed her eyes. "I very nearly killed myself. I wanted to," she whispered and felt Sirius' grip on her arms tighten. "If Ted Tonks wasn't just randomly walking to work that day, I would have jumped under that truck." She did not dare look at Sirius. "That's why I don't drink anymore. I never want to be in that state again. We were supposed to get married, you see, and instead-" she trailed off into a wave of sobs.

"Claude-"

Claudia could feel his embrace get even tighter. "You're strangling me," she chuckled through her tears. Eventually, she looked up. Sirius had tears in his eyes too.

"I'm so sorry-" he uttered.

"I'm more of a mess than you could possibly imagine. I've waited for so long to have you back. And now you're here, but you keep pushing me away. I hate this. All I want is to wake up next to you in the morning. Or just see you. And you won't let me- " She broke down again and Sirius just held her, stroking her back.

"I promise not to do that again, alright?" he said after what felt like an age. "We can meet. I can tell you when my old notebook is, you can drop it off for me at Hogsmeade. We can write. I never want you to feel alone, ever-"

She had no idea what to say. A thank you would have sounded pathetic. So, she just smiled.

Sirius brushed the side of her face. "Just promise me you won't try to come past the dementors again. Because that's something I would do. And it's insane."

"Alright," she whispered and sunk into his body which noticeably relaxed.

"Pretty impressive though-"

"I told you I was good."

"What else can you do?"

"The usual," she shrugged. "Accessing people's memories, planting memories-" she paused and looked deep into his eyes. 'I can talk to you telepathically.'

"That could be useful, since I'm stuck in here."

'Oh, I can only do it when I'm looking into your eyes. But quite useful if you don't want other people to overhear a conversation.'

"Got it-" he kissed her on the cheek. "Got public dirty talk to look forward to when I get out of this mess."

Playfully, Claudia punched his arm. "Shut up," she said giggling. "Legilimency is serious business. Not only can I read and show memories, I can make memories and them back into someone's head."

"What use is that?"

Claudia's mouth clasped shut. Now she had opened up about the end of the war, it was time to tell him everything- But she hesitated for a second too long and Sirius spoke first.

"What aren't you telling me?"

"Remember when I told you that my father was in St Mungo's? It's because his mind is wrecked–" she paused and took a breath– "by fake memories I've implanted in there."

"What?"

"His case collapsed after you were arrested, and he got away with everything he did to you, to Aiden, to Alice's dad… To the countless other people he's hurt."

"You could've gotten arrested-"

"Well, at least we would've been together," she smirked. "Besides, I was careful-" she trailed off. Sirius was staring at her, with his mouth slightly ajar. "I shouldn't have told you," she added. "You think I've gone crazy-"

"Of course, you should've told me. You can tell me anything."

"Even that I kind of enjoyed watching him suffer?" she whispered.

"Who could fucking blame you?" Sirius exclaimed.

Claudia dropped her head on his shoulder. "I should've told you all of this much earlier," she paused. "Maybe I was a bit worried you think I'm a monster."

"Well, I am going to try a little harder not to piss you off-" he replied with a chuckle and played with her hair for a few seconds. "I've been so focused on my own pain," Sirius whispered after a while. "I thought you being safe from the Death Eaters was all that mattered. I was wrong and I'm sorry. I love you. And I will spend the rest of my life telling you that, and trying to make up for everything. I'm here. Whatever you need-"

"I need you. That's all I ever needed."

Sirius planted a kiss on Claudia's forehead. "I'm here."

And they did not move from the spot for hours. They sat on the bank of the lake like a finely carved statue.

The next thing Claudia knew was when bright sunlight started to tickle her eyelids. Slowly, she opened them. "Did I fall asleep?" she whispered.

"Just a little." Sirius paused. "You should really go as long as the sun is out."

Claudia's heart sunk. "Sirius-"

"No, Claude, sorry-" he quickly reassured her. "All I mean is that it'll just be easier to get out of here. I promise, no more pushing you away. Just leave the notebook in the place where Mundungus nearly killed us and I'll go pick it up in a few days. No more secrets. No more fighting…"

Claudia sighed with relief. "Alice was right-"

"About what?"

"We only ever fight if one of us isn't being honest about something."

Sirius caressed her face. "Never again. Let's promise each other that."

"Alright, I promise."

"So do I."

A/N - This story is cross-posted on AO3 (same user name, same title) in case you wanted to continue to follow it somewhere a tad more reliable.