Silent Glances Chapter 16 Fearsome Forgiveness, a harry potter fanfic

Chapter 16

Ron was already back to being stood up to his full extension as he looked down at Davies. After a few more moments of her pleading eyes, he leaned back down with his palms on the table as he stared at her with a disapproving look on his face. Huffing with irritation he leaned back down onto his elbows to get back to her height. He opened his mouth a few times before rolling his eyes at the excited look on her face. "Fine, we! Both know your trying to figure me out and lead me astray because you know I've…". He scowled at her as she bounced on her feet, "I've, had my breath taken away more than once now by Parkinson".

"Oh!", Tracey looked visibly taken back when he finished, it had a lot to do with the fact that even she hadn't been expecting something so warm to come from him. She had anticipated he might be pushed to admit to an exciting yet cold admission that Pansy was, 'hot' or 'fit', or even that he 'fancied her'. But even that one short sentence made her stomach tense, and her ears fill with heat.

It was well known that she was a daft romantic behind her clownish exterior, in fact her friends saw to it to remind her of it daily. But she hadn't expected him to say anything so deeply honest, it was all a bit of a turn on to her that she frustratedly had to turn a blind eye to.

"Don't say anything, please", he pleaded with her.

"Why!" Tracey dead eyed him, "does everyone insist, when two people like each other that it's kept a secret!"

"Would you want it spilling out!"

"Yes! gods yes, why would I want to waste time pretending and dancing around it when we could be in the storeroom!" There was a moment of silence as they eyed each other before they cracked into a genuine laughter. "Pansy, you really owe me because gods know I would if you weren't so hooked on him", Tracey quickly stopped the small biting of her bottom lip, giving her best effort to cut herself off before she was in trouble.

"Besides", she tried to move on, "the confidence to say something is much more appealing than hiding away".

"And you could?", he cut her off before she could answer, "because you're a Slytherin and I'm a Gryffindor, and!", again he cut her off, "she's Parkinson, she's always been well, you know!"

Once again Tracey opened her mouth to retort but was silent when trying to answer. He wasn't right so much as he wasn't wrong. Personally house pride could go hang itself in her mind, or part of it. Because for as much as she never thought such things would matter to her, as she grew, she found she was a fierce defender in being a Slytherin and with that came certain outlooks. She didn't agree with all of them but, she didn't disagree either. Reds and Blues, Yellow with Green, match them however you like, no combination of dating was met with such resilience like a Slytherin and Gryffindor.

"So what! Like honestly, who bloody cares at this point", she decided to just go with it in the absence of a hard opinion. "And, look at me, I wouldn't have been here so many years ago, Muggles and Wizard kind wasn't exactly a legal coupling was it? Who's to tell us what we can and can't do", surprisingly happy with her own conclusion she went on. "And is there anything hotter than the one thing we can't have, look at Romeo and Juliet".

"Was that from that nutter wizard that pretended to be a muggle to write plays?"

"Genius Wizard, but yes, it was one of his about …look just take my word for it, hiding this, it's just daft, plus look at you, who cares if someone has something to say to you about it, I wouldn't want to square up to you".

Ron took a few minutes to process this, "I wasn't even going to say anything but", he pulled a face, "its not something you can just bring up with just anyone".

"You've got friends".

"Not the kind of friends that think very highly of Pansy Parkinson, even you know that. And yet suddenly your inseparable?"

Yet again she was stumped into silence as she remembered the second part to his gripe. "Look, I've lived with her long enough to know how bad she was, but I genuinely believe she's a victim in her own right. She's a nasty vicious little thing and if she ever changed that, well I wouldn't want to be friends with her, gods were Slytherin's! But she's not that person anymore". She did her best to keep them on track restarting the work, despite him literally being her handicap during this lesson they were making good progress.

"You like her right!" she didn't wait for an answer, "and if it were just for looks then I recon half the rumours I've heard about you recently would have been true, or you'd have at least tried to take me up on that snog. So, I reckon I shouldn't have to tell you where she's changed and what bits of her are her best bits". She caught him sniggering and she smiled back, "stop it you dirty sod". "But still, if you don't know that she's worth it then you mustn't like her half as much as you think you do, so just let it die. As for your friends, I wouldn't expect the same level of understanding I think that you should have. They're just going to see 'that bitch Parkinson' but if she was what you really wanted, they wouldn't really be your friends if they denied you that".

"Merlin, you Slytherin girls really are smart aren't you".

"Smart as they come", Tracey beamed, then decided to really get into his ribs, "not that you'd know it being around the bushy brain box all the time", she gave a distinct eyebrow.

"Hey", he scoffed quietly, "she's my best friend".

"Oh, come on!" she whispered, "I remember you two hated each other in first year, what happened? Storeroom?"

Ron bellowed out a deep belly laugh that he had to quickly control, whispering back to her he said, "I'll drag you in that bloody room in a minute just to show you it isn't all snogging".

"I get it", she laughed, "was under handed of me and I apologise", she sniggered, "sort of".

Ron laughed again as he turned back to the half mess of things he was making with the potion. Not quite able to believe this was a second Potions lesson in a row that he was more than enjoying. "It's mad but your right, there not the kind of friend's I've been able to talk about this stuff with".

Tracey too had gone back to focusing on the lesson and what was in front of her on the table. She listened to him with a now settled smile on her face as was the same with him.

"But it's mad to think I'd have just blurted it out to you of all people, her friend I mean", he added quickly, "and in a lesson like this". He focused on the final measurements of the last ingredients she was passing to him as he absently muttered, "if Sea hadn't been so quiet on me recently, I'd have probably confided in her".

Tracey dropped her knife close to where she'd just piled the Erumpent tail hairs, panicking she grabbed it up before she started an explosion. Now panting she turned to him, "what did you say?"

"Huh, oh, nothing I was just mumbling to myself.

"No", she grabbed his arm again, gently so's not to hurt his injury, "did you just say you'd have told Pansy? Or did you say…"

"SHI…", there was a shout behind her and a clang of equipment.

Pansy held the rolled-up pile of seaweed that she was shredding in her hand so tight, that it began to leak juice from her fist where her now white knuckles gripped them. The hand holding her knife too was so tight as she held onto the handle with such an absurd strength that her hand trembled. She was still looking down as she heard Longbottom continue to stutter his way through arguing with her that she was wrong and that he couldn't do the work or wasn't as good at things as she suggested. As she listened, she tried to concentrate, while concentrating she tried to ignore his words. It was a bitter circle that saw her eyes begin to stream and her vision blur.

Pansy's patience suddenly snapping she looked him in the eye as she continued to chop. "Neville! The voices that you hear, I hear them too!", she glanced at the knife as she slammed it back down, rolling the handle of the blade up and down as she chopped fluently.

There was a roar of laughter that came from Weasley, her eyes followed, and she could almost make him out but for the thick steam in the air. She looked back down as her knife went on in its movement. "Those voices that tell you you're no good, I hear them, they speak to me too", Her concentration was being strained, looking at him, his wide eyes, the table, and her blurry hand as it chopped away at the Seaweed, to Weasley where he leant down to Tracey, "those voices are not yours. They're not your voice they are others who've told you you're not enough", her knife slammed to the chopping board, her eyes blurred. "They were my voice, my voice telling you you're not enough, that you don't amount to anything. But you do Neville, you need to find your own voice in your head and listen to yourself". She glanced at him, but her eyes were too blurry, back to the chopping board, "don't listen to those other voices anymore, find your own path and trust yourself to tell you what's right, for you!" She tried to wipe her eyes with her sleeve as she brought her hand back down to the ingredient, looking back at him she hiccupped a whimper of laughter that was saturated in sadness, "you don't listen to your grandmother, you don't listen to the negative and you certainly don't listen to anyone as horrible as me ever again, understand!"

Her hand hadn't stopped as she'd looked away yet again and as she had she felt a sudden sharp bite on the back of her thumb. "SHIT", she shrieked as she brought the blade down on her own hand. She dropped the knife, clutching at her thumb as blood started to flow from the deep cut dangerously fast.

The busy bustle of the colourfully steam filled room was shattered into an immediate silence. One of those unspoken rules, particularly around swearing, wasn't necessarily that it was forbidden in Snape's class, so much as it was more along the lines that you didn't even, think, about swearing in his class. So, for someone to do so, and so loudly, caught the attention of everyone.

Tracey caught the pain in it as it was shouted and similarly knew whose voice had echoed out as she'd heard it. She acted on her first instinct and made to go to her friend.

"No!", Snape passed by in a whirl of black robes, but the weight in the one word when he spoke was tangible to Tracey and she felt it stop her in her tracks, almost paralysing her.

"With me", Snape muttered to Pansy as he came up behind her. As she began to move, he guided her without contact in a way that was somehow still reassuring to Pansy, the feeling of a competent teacher so close. But she was glad to just be led out of view of everyone. As she passed Tracey, she wanted to let her know she was alright, but her blurry eyes were even more so now and all she could do was clutch at her hand as she was fluidly brought into Snape's study room.

She heard the shout from her head of year to 'get back to work' and the sound of a door shut. Once inside, after a few seconds something wet and slimy was thrust into her hand.

"Wrap that around your hand to stem the bleeding".

Without argument she did as told. She held the 'whatever item she'd been passed' down with pressure on her hand. She felt a hand move hers aside and registered it as Snape's, she moved hers as he took over keeping pressure on.

"For your eye's", he said as he pushed a roll of fabric into her now free hand.

Pansy wiped at her face until the streaming was sated and she could see again. As soon as she did, he nodded at her hand, and she took over again keeping pressure on. As soon as he was free, he went about his cabinets in silence. Looking down she saw that the 'whatever' was a large green leaf of sorts that seemed to ooze a clear liquid.

"Remove the Bo-Boa sap now", he said. Not knowing if she was being told to put down the leaf or wipe off the ooze, she put the leaf down on the desk she realised she was sat at.

Then when she looked at her hand she saw, quite horribly, that she could see a vast amount of bone. The horror dissipated as she realised she felt no pain, in fact she felt nothing on the hand at all. She also noticed that the bleeding had stemmed already. She didn't need to ask what a Bo-Boa leaf was for.

Turning to see what her head of house was doing she saw him using a glass pipette to dash together a few drops from different jars and vials into a small mixing bowl. Taking no time at all he twitched his wand and the ingredients and liquids floated back to their stations as the glass cabinet doors closed. He twitched his wand again between forefinger and thumb and a second chair skidded over to stop next to where she sat. He took the seat next to her and glanced down at the small bowl that had levitated over to him.

He touched the tip of his wand to the liquid inside then raised it to his ear as if listening rather than smelling the concoction. "A few more moments, this will clean the wound and make scarring less visible, how does that feel", he said quietly.

"Thank you, sir, and I don't feel anything", she shrugged, trying not to look down to see the inside of her hand.

"Just what are you playing at Parkinson?" Snape fixed her with a now harder stare.

"I'm sorry Professor, it just slipped out, I'd never use that language in your class…".

"What are you doing with Longbottom?"

Pansy stuttered to a halt, "I err", her throat caught, and she struggled for a second, "I'm trying to get him through the lesson, Sir".

"By going to pieces?"

Again, she faltered, the situation put her in mind of Millicent and the other few people during the last week who had tried to coax an explanation from her about her change in companions. Only this time it was Snape.

She took a breath, "I'm trying to, I don't know", she looked away, his gaze was heavy on her. "I have a responsibility to myself to prove I'm better than I was. That includes the people I've, damaged", the last made her voice break.

Looking up she was confused to see he wasn't looking at her and had his wand to his ear. "Ready", he noted. He began to use a pair of scissor grips and cotton wool to apply the mixture.

Pansy expected to jump as it touched her, not from pain, she knew there was none, but from the reaction to seeing it, but she didn't. She felt numb all over after hearing her own words, saying it was the first she'd considered it, an honest reaction to his question.

"True change is almost always impossible", Snape said quietly, Pansy didn't dare speak or look away. "And no amount of looking back fixes the past". "There are a lot of people who have tried to change who they are, and failed, even if the effort is for someone else, we cannot change our nature".

There was a cold sadness to the way the man spoke, it had her in mind of failed attempts to do better and it made her feel hollow as she heard it. But somewhere she felt there was a gentleness from him.

"But, there is a symbol. It represents death and the rebirth. The symbol is of the interconnectedness of all things in the endless cycle of creation and its destruction. Do you know of the Ouroboros?"

Pansy felt as though she were on a precipice of unknown dangers as she heard his strange words. She found she wasn't scared of the man, but the privacy in which he had chosen her of all people to speak to in such a way.

Responding to him quickly she nodded firmly but had no words to accompany the action. In truth she did know of it but not enough about it for it to be worth opening her mouth, a feint desire to impress him with her knowledge struck her but to a man such as Snape, even to save face or show off, just seemed foolish.

"As the Ouroboros devours itself, it symbolises the never-ending cycle of time". Snape's words, while not truly gentle, were even and quiet. It was a quiet strong enough to hold her attention on every word and she focused on him intently. "As with myself, you are a Serpent Miss Parkinson. The symbol of our house being more than a whimsical choice, it represents who we are in its very basic form. Cold, calculating and unapologetically deadly, that Is your true nature". Snape never looked at her as he spoke and now, he examined her hand closely as he healed it. "I believe that the words I seemed to of heard you speak to your lesson partner before this unfortunate mishap were, from what I could tell, spoken with an honesty beyond even your willingness".

Pansy remained silent, staring into his face while he continued to look away from her.

"I don't think anyone need tell you the importance of self-belief after what I overheard. If you are strong enough to maintain the changes in you that I have witnessed then I implore you to consider the Ouroboros and its meaning", finally he locked eyes with her. "Consume yourself and complete the cycle, force the rebirth, make peace with your former self as it passes and embrace your true nature". He looked away as he cleared up the items and took out his wand, situating the tip an inch from the open wound, then softly he added, "be better than those of us who couldn't".

Snape's words lingered in her mind as she didn't fail to miss a single one, the advice he was freely giving with wasn't lost on her but that same sadness she felt earlier remained. And while she knew she would never understand his story, his final words told her more than she needed to know. It was an encounter that she felt she would guard, never to discuss, even with Tracey.

Feeling very honoured she softly spoke a, "thank you Sir".

She watched on in yet more fascination of a different kind as she was privileged to witness a magic she'd never seen before as he traced lines over her hand with his wand, murmuring a soft lullaby of sorts, the unknown incantation closing the wound and knitting the skin back together.

The worry Tracey felt was matched, she was almost delighted to see, by the concern showing for Pansy on Weasley's face. Were she not ready to run after her and argue with Snape she might have even teased him over it. But her Head of House was formidable, and she didn't doubt his skills, it was enough to coax her into a belief that her friend would be alright.

Tracey couldn't help but notice the class around her sparking with intrigue at the outburst. It led her to look behind her to where, as predicted, she saw Granger eyeing her suspiciously. The memory of his words just before Pansy's accident hit her and she remembered she needed to chew Weasley's ear off. But with Granger watching, Tracey's devilish grin flashed on her face as she decided to wind her up.

Seeing Pansy leave the room she felt brave enough to touch him now, but she did so in a way so as not to raise his suspicions and make Granger think she was fully flirting away with him. Understanding her assignment, Tracey leaned on the one hand towards him, her other touching his back. To anyone behind her she was clearly stroking him, to Weasley himself she chose to sympathetically sooth him by assuring him she thought Pansy would be fine.

Continuing her actions to cause spiteful drama, Tracey left her hand to linger while she had him where she wanted him and pressed on with what she really wanted to know and got into his ear.

"So, what were you saying before? About not being able to talk? Did you say you couldn't talk to Pansy, or did you mean, someone else?"

"Huh", Ron looked down at her, his brain didn't quite register the low pressure of her hand rubbing gentle circles into his lower back. "I, err, no I just meant, err, a friend I've been speaking to". He also failed to see the seething rage his best friend was radiating from behind him as she accidently sent sparks out of her wand. They hit Seamus in the face and alighted his eyebrows. He failed to notice Dean run over to help put his friend out who, yet again, sported an eyebrow-less face.

Tracey stopped messing around with the boy and took a few moments. Being a woman, she saw to it that he did as told and she absentmindedly nudged him, pointing at the cauldron to keep them on track.

"Weasley is Horse", she thought to herself as she puzzled, "I'm positive he said Sea and I know she's gone quiet on him with everything that's been going on. They've just been messaging minimally". She thought on it some more as the drama started to fit into place in her mind. From that point a new plot seemed to form, and it felt like one she could get away with, even if caught by Pansy as there was no lying in it. "If she's told she's messaging Weasley but doesn't know he likes her because she's a blind idiot", she thought affectionately, "then she can pick his brains over post and get his blood boiling in lessons".

Pansy came out of the Potion Masters study and back into the main classroom where she found all eyes on her. Feeling the weight of an emotional wreck crashing over herself when she'd left, she now stepped back in with a determination and a positivity that wasn't there earlier. Feeling as though it were overkill, Snape had summoned a bandage over her hand, it was neat and flexible so she could work but the job he'd done healing her was perfect and she felt it unnecessary.

Seeing the pained look on Tracey's face she made to pass her as she crossed the room, stopping briefly she ran her hand over her friends and gave a reassuring smile. Then she noticed Weasley eyeing her, she raised her bandaged hand, "Snap!", her voice full of sass, she winked as she turned from him. Feeling she'd crossed the border of 'cheesy' she frowned at Tracey who, out of sight of Weasley, theatrically put a finger in her mouth to show that Pansy's action was vomit worthy. It made them both laugh as they parted, and she returned to her station.

As she turned to look at her workspace she was stunned into inaction as she looked at a near perfect presentation of ingredients, all prepared, weighted and ready for use. In fact, a pink glow was emanating from their cauldron, and she assumed that was where the few missing ingredients had gone. Waving the rolling mist from the top she peered into the pot to see she was correct, and better still it was on point for what stage it was meant to be.

"I don't get it, who did this?" Pansy turned to Longbottom and was surprised further as he looked her in the eye rather than staring at his feet when he talked which was the norm for him. "Longbottom did you…", she paused, and for another long moment that seemed to stretch on, an honest smile worked its way onto her face. "Neville, this is perfect, how did you even?"

Neville's face twitched negatively as she addressed, old habits. But so did his mouth as a slight up curl of positivity showed the faintest of smiles. "I just got some more Seaweed and shredded it like you did, they old one was, well I threw it out". He still spoke very awkwardly not wanting to bring up the mess. But Pansy was sure she could hear the notable confidence in his tone and a determination to engage her in the eye that didn't waver. "Everything else I just copied what you did and took a look at your notes. A…a…and I…d…d…did what you said, I just thought about how most of this stuff is plant based or Herby-logical ingredients and t…t…treated it like Her…Herbology".

She smiled at him widely as she saw his slight lip curl turn even further into a small smile. She quickly stopped herself from throwing any more praise on him in case it pressured him or just made things awkward and settled just working by him. Smiling brighter at him, the more they stood positively side by side, they continued the lesson. It felt assuredly calmer and a much more pleasant atmosphere around there little workspace.

By the time they were clearing up and carefully bottling up the fruits of their labours Pansy was shocked by how differently they'd ended their lesson from how it started. While only minor differences in one way, they were huge in another. Like Neville being able to answer her requests with simple, "Ok's", or "I can do that", acknowledgements from him. They were nothing, but weighed against the fact that she had been a bully and tormentor to him, and he traumatically couldn't even look her in the eye, the difference was night and day. But it went further into Neville jumping ahead of her in the stages of brewing and asking her if she could do things as well.

A deeply painful feeling twisted in her gut as thoughts like that came to her. It intensified the better the lesson progressively got with him. She couldn't shake the past; she imagined the pride she felt was liken to how Tracey felt seeing change in herself but the main difference between them being that this was true bravery from him compared to her own metamorphosis.

That thought reminded her of their first year. "How did it feel when you won the house cup for Gryffindor?" she asked gently. She was glad the bustle in the room was still high as everyone went about the final ten minutes of brewing, it made to keep their conversation private.

The question seemed to shake him, and it took moments for him to process. She decided that perhaps a workless conversation with him might be asking too much and decided to drop it when he shocked her with a response.

"I was really em…embarrassed if I'm honest but at the p…party in the common room that night everyone kept patting me on the sh…shoulder and it was one of the best feelings".

"Is it true you tried to take on Potter, Granger and Weasley?"

"N…not really. I just tried to stop them leaving the tower as they already lost us so many p…points. Why'd you ask?", Neville seemed unsure at conversing with her but rose to it with that same confidence she felt earlier as he spoke.

"So, you have experience standing up to people", it was a statement rather than a question and she couldn't help that her voice dropped an octave, and it sounded slightly more menacing as she did. Not wanting to reverse their progress she quickly followed up. "I'm sorry", trying to sound sincere, "working with you today, its terrified me more than dealing with my O.W.L's". Pausing she looked him over, "I just wanted to understand why you never stood up to us… to me more in the past. You have so much more going for you than I ever wanted to see, you could have made me look so small and insignificant and you didn't. So, I just…".

Neville was taken aback by the sudden shift as she spoke, but it wasn't enough to throw him off the height's he felt he was at though. She was right in that he was stronger than he showed, and he used that now in taking her on and answering her.

"I think you want me to stand up to you, now I mean. I think you want to feel punishment for how you used to be w…with me", he said sadly.

"Would it be so bad if I did?", she asked gently.

"Y…yes, because I think what you really want is for me to forgive you, but I don't think you'll ask because I don't think you believe you deserve it".

"I'm so, so sorry Neville", tears formed in her eyes, and she stared down at the table.

"And I' think your being a hypocrite", and for the first time she heard a lot of force in his voice, something she didn't think were possible. Looking up she saw he had fixed her with a very hard look, but it wasn't anger that he was giving her.

"How can you tell me not to listen to the negative if you go and do it yourself?

Pansy stared at him opened mouthed, "b…but I deserve to feel bad, I need you to know how awful I feel for what I did".

"You're not a bully, my bully", he said with that same force that she noticed, "I don't know where 'she' is but you're not her. If she was here, I wouldn't forgive her, but you". Neville stopped and seemingly looked as emotional as she did as he tried to hide a tear. "You were wrong, you're a voice I should listen to, as long as you stop this r…r…rubbish". "This has been the only P…Potions lesson I've ever had that I haven't hated. You've looked out for me and tried to help me and then you throw all that at me about listening to myself. Well, nothing about you has felt like her, whoever you are now, I like this Pansy".

Teary eyed she hid her head under the cloud of colour as she wiped her eyes, seeing his hand only a few inches from her's on the table she squeezed it and felt another wave of emotion as she felt him squeeze back.