A/N - I know, I know. Another note, my thoughts/rationale are at the end. Thank you.
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Callie had indeed raised the issue the following day and they agreed to discuss the matter later that evening. Sofia would remain with them this time, deciding they couldn't ship her off to the village every time they had to discuss something difficult. Not that she'd get a ringside seat of course, she was firmly tucked up in bed, sound asleep.
The two surgeons were on the couch, the same position they'd occupied for all their talks. Both came into these discussions nervous, hesitant, but Callie noticed Arizona had almost withdrawn into herself for this one. She looked three inches tall, maybe even smaller than during the… you know, chat. "So, erm, I'm not really sure where to start with this one." She gave a nervous chuckle, for the life of her she couldn't understand why Arizona Robbins would have any reason to have so much self-doubt. Had something from childhood triggered it? Teen years? Med school years? A girlfriend? A patient? Family? She had no idea, and fully intended to let her take the lead. It did appear however, from the lack of a response, she would still have to get the ball rolling. "I know we've talked about some insecurities you had in our relationship, I- I want to hear them, I want to understand everything you've felt and what we- I can do to reassure you, you are it for me."
The last five words had the ability to tear down every protective wall Arizona held up, but she needed to get everything off her chest. Whilst her voice was quiet, she didn't murmur, her thoughts were coherent. "You've spoken about trust Callie, and I know you trust me, and I trust you, but I- I'm still broken about the fact you just left me in that therapist's office with no warning."
This was the topic Callie knew hurt Arizona the most. She had replayed that day, hell, the whole 30+ days before over and over again in her mind. She was heartbroken as well; she couldn't hold back the tears either when the words came out. It wasn't an easy decision, it tore her apart too, but due to her choice of words and actions, it probably didn't appear that way, and that will always be a huge regret. Her reply was quiet, she wasn't going to start an argument, she just had to be honest. "I- I thought it was for the best, what we both want-"
Arizona's eyes widened, she was not going to let Callie finish that sentence, she knew very well what the brunette was assuming. "I don't know how you can possibly say that Callie, my god the night before was on a level we hadn't experienced in years, and then the following day I find out you just fancied 'one more night in Arizona'." Her tone hardened. "Don't you dare cover your heartless actions like you're a goddamn martyr."
Ouch, 'heartless'? Callie focused on remaining soft. "Arizona, it wasn't like that-"
Her voice was on the rise, but mindful their child was asleep upstairs. "You manipulated me Callie! Screwed me then dumped me, like trash, discarded in the gutter!" Arizona's pale complexion meant she went red, whether it be due to anger or embarrassment, fast.
There hadn't been shouting matches post-divorce, it had been over two years since she was in the receiving end of Arizona's vitriol. This was anger due to hurt, pure hurt. Not frustration because she felt like a patient, not anger because Callie 'wasn't on the plane', but genuine, heartbreaking, confidence-shattering hurt. The brunette still wasn't going to get angry or raise her voice, she'd done that enough to last them a lifetime, and for once, once, her person was being forthcoming about her biggest insecurity - herself. "Y- you were hesitant, you hesitated when she asked if you wanted to save the marriage and then you suggested a longer time apart. I- I thought by leaving, we'd both be happier, that if I made the decision, you'd-"
Arizona was exacerbated, she found everything Callie was saying absurd. "You always made the decisions for us. You said I was suffocating you! Do you know how hard that was to hear Callie? From the one person you've ever loved," she corrected, "ever will love? Ever since the crash all I ever felt was a burden to you, and you confirmed that, threw it in my face when I was at my most vulnerable. After I had just said I couldn't live without you." The tears had started, she reached for the ever-present box of tissues, trying to wipe away the hurt.
Callie will argue to this day that she thought it was the right thing for them, that if they hadn't split, they wouldn't have found their way back to… well, whatever this was. But in hindsight, walking out wasn't the right way to go about it. She was just so tired from the fighting and the genuine belief Arizona just didn't want to make the decision to end the marriage. "I didn't handle it right-"
The admission and lack of confrontation from her person settled Arizona somewhat, but still, her response was cold. "You got that damn right." She crossed her arms and looked away, unsuccessfully trying to hold more tears at bay. If Callie couldn't see her cry, she wouldn't be crying, right? Like the tree falling in the woods thing… there's logic in there… somewhere. After a few moments of silence, neither knowing how to proceed, she raised the question. "So, why did you screw the ol' ball and chain one more time?"
It was valid, if Callie knew she was going to leave her the following day, why do it? Give some sort of false hope? She wasn't a heartless person, she had no malice, so why? "Arizona, we- we always connected physically, sexually, apart from the period after the crash. We never lost that, even when we fought, we'd end up in bed. Then we'd fight again, disagree or whatever, then end up right back there." She gave a half-hearted shrug and shook her head. "I dunno, I thought maybe, maybe for once, it would fix everything. The next day was the final day, it was the last throw of the dice, I mean I thought that we'd-"
Stoic. "Stop. Saying. We."
"Sorry", she couldn't find the right words. "I thought it would solve everything, I was desperate for it to, but all I could think about on that couch was that is exactly what we'd done countless times before." She was hoping the blonde would return her gaze, she didn't. "You deserve the world Arizona, and I thought we were maybe holding each other back, I was holding you back just as much as I was you." Her voice was low and Arizona still wasn't facing her. If she was, she'd see those last few words were like a knife to the heart. "Also, I- I thought you didn't want a baby; the fellowship was going to take up too much of your time, you know how stressful fellowships are, you can't-"
'Didn't want a baby?' Oh, big mistake. Now her focus was back on Callie as her head snapped back. "When did I EVER say I didn't want another child? And don't act like me taking the fellowship was the reason, you don't get to blame me Callie, you don't get to use that decision against me. I still want another child…" There was a brief pause, both noting it was a current want. "…with you. But you just assumed I was putting my career first, you assumed on my behalf like you always did, like you always do! You're still doing it now, 'I can't', I can't what Callie? You don't know how we would have coped, managed or whatever because, newsflash, you haven't done it before either!" Although she didn't necessarily agree, she couldn't disprove Arizona's comments. But at the time, it was the final nail in the coffin that was their marriage. No she couldn't prove it, but logic dictated it. She was still processing the thoughts when an angry shout pulled her back to reality. "I DIDN'T WANT THE DIVORCE CALLIE, YOU DID. You abandoned me." There was the trigger, Arizona had done an amazing job at holding back the majority of her tears but at those words, she started to sob. She had cried herself to sleep manier nights post-divorce but this was the first time she admitted it verbally, and it stung.
Callie took a chance and manoeuvred closer, her person didn't retreat. Progress? Maybe. "I'm sorry Arizona, I- I don't know what else I can say. I'm sorry I hurt you, it's one of my biggest regrets, how I handled it." She brushed a stray blonde hair behind Arizona's ear. "It was wrong, I can't take back what I did, but- but I can apologise and tell you every day that you are it for me, you are my person, you always have been." She tentatively reached out for a pale hand, relieved when she received a gentle squeeze back.
Arizona looked at Callie and gave a slight nod, she believed her, that she was genuinely sorry for walking out. She knew she too had to move on, forgive, like she had been forgiven. Her insecurities would always be there, but she had to remember that Callie loved her, and that they were moving on. It was her who had started this whole conversation by asking what she could do to reassure Arizona that she was good enough for her. She rested her head on the couch, drained from their conversation. But she wasn't done, she had to get it all out tonight, she wouldn't have the strength to do this again. It was a whisper. "You can have anyone you want."
Callie genuinely laughed, even snorted, but quickly realised that wasn't the appropriate response. As if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "So can you."
She scoffed. "No, I can maybe have half the adult population, but you can have the whole adult population. Hell, how many men did you have after our divorce?" She didn't mean it, but the barriers she held up for years were crumbling, and it just escaped. "Because you sure had one pretty quickly after our break-up, and he gave you everything you ever wanted, more than I physically or anatomically could."
Bringing up Mark in battle was never a good idea, it was Callie's trigger, she withdrew her hand. "Don't you dare bring up Mark. We were broken up, you left me…" but then the penny dropped, this wasn't about Mark. "Is this about me being bi-sexual? Arizona…"
She sat up, inwardly upset over the loss of contact. "I wasn't lying that day, the day of the shooting. You love everyone Callie, and it's great, you're warm and caring and have such an amazing heart… so how can I be special? The one you want to give yourself to? What's so special about me? You'd already married George, dated Erica Hahn-"
'What's so special' about Arizona Robbins?! God, give Callie a pen and enough paper to fill up the Grand Canyon and she'll start. However, Arizona had initially rejected her, because she wasn't lesbian enough, so why shouldn't that uncertainty be returned? "I- I could say the same thing, I mean you pretty much said I wasn't lesbian enough for you. You called me a newborn-"
"BECAUSE YOU WERE CALLIE." Her voice turned weak. "You were- you were exploring and could have anyone you wanted. I knew Erica Hahn, cold, brutal, icy heart, but you, you Calliope Torres wore her down, you! How amazing does that make you? Erica frickin' Hahn. If you could steal her cold heart, you could get anyone. So why settle for a lesbian who didn't want to give you the one thing you wanted?"
"Oh so now you're telling me what I wanted?!"
They sat there; bodies stilled but minds racing. The emotional toll this was taking was evident. It was like they'd just disembarked the world's longest, most extreme rollercoaster.
They were at a stand-off.
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A/N - I forced myself not to mention LB & LM, although I struggled at parts, it was on the tip of my tongue so many times(!). But as I said, I really want to get past that topic. I know Arizona is interrupting Callie a lot here, something she hated being on the receiving of, but it's to reflect her anxiety/need to get everything out whilst Callie is receptive to listening.
Like Callie's 'session' previously, Arizona's will be spread over two chapters. The cute stuff will come, writing angst is exhausting.
Two personal notes - first of all, over 100 reviews on my first fanfic, I cannot express just how grateful I am for your wonderful interactions. Second, quick mention to leshorros - your comment warmed my heart & made this entire thing completely worth it. Thank you for your kind words, I wish you all the best for the future.