The Narrator: "You're on a- wait, why are you with the princess already?"

Voice of the Hero: "Well, THAT didn't work."

Voice of the Cheated: "Yeah, whose stupid idea was it to waste The Look on the murderous monster anyway?"

Voice of the Smitten: "Ahh, calm down dear fellow… what blossoming romance doesn't hurt at least a little bit? What matters is she likes us. She even said as much!"

Hero: "Oh, a new one of us."

Cheated: "Great, this one sounds like a useless idiot."

The Princess: "Oh, hi! You came right back here! Great! Then I don't need to wait to skewer you again!"

Smitten: "Ah, right back into the arms of our love!"

Hero: "I'm afraid that's the blades of our… love?"

Smitten: "Now leave this to me, fellows. This will require a careful, tender touch."

Cheated: "No way, that kind of bullshit got us killed last time!"

Smitten: "No-one ever said to love another was easy, or without struggle. But I tell you, with another try we can reach out to our star-crossed lover and walk out of here unskewered and hand in loving… blade."

Hero: "I don't know if-"

Cheated: "So she can slice our hands to bits too? Hard pass."

The Narrator: "Now hold on, no-one is walking out of anywhere hand in anything! You're here to-"

Cheated: "Slay her? More like be slayed!"

Smitten: "Now if you'll just let me work my plan…"

The Narrator: "I'm not sure what's going on here, but I know you should NOT listen to that voice."

The Princess: "Aww come on, do something already! Well, ready or not, here I come!"

The Narrator: "The princess advances on you, blade raised. Whatever you're going to do, now's the time!"

Smitten: "Just follow my lead…"

(·"Please, my beautiful angel of blades, you truly are a skewerer without equal, but can't you and I find something else at least as fun to do together?")

The Narrator: "A blush spreads across the princess's cheeks as she advances upon you, giggling coyly. She does not, however, lower her blade, as she lunges at you-"

Smitten: "We smoothly dodge her blade, catching her lithe body in our strong arms, and dip her like the bladely dance this truly is."

Cheated: "Oh, that's not a bad move, we got her now."

The Narrator: "Indeed you do. She looks up at you wide-eyed and blushing as you harmlessly sidestep and catch her. Now would be the perfect opportunity to slay-"

Smitten: "Ignore His heartless blather. There is a much greater opportunity here. Kiss her! Kiss her now! This is the perfect moment!"

Hero: "Can we actually do that?"

The Narrator: "What? No! No, I'm not having it! No way! I veto it."

Cheated: "I'm willing to give it a try, she's kind of cute when she's not killing us. And also 'cause I'm not letting Him think He gets a veto over anything."

(· [Kiss the Princess])

The Narrator: "(frustrated sigh) Fine! Fine. You kiss the cruel, world-ending monstrosity. Happy now?"

Smitten: "Come on! You can do better than that! Give us a proper description!"

Cheated: "Yeah! I wanna know what it's like!"

The Narrator: "No way. I have my dignity."

Hero: "Don't you have a job to do properly too? What about your professional dignity?"

The Narrator: "Oh, fine. You stare into the princess's eyes, and she stares into yours as you hold her underneath you. She is probably about to skewer you when you press your lips against hers. A small gasp escapes her and she almost goes limp in your hands before she reciprocates eagerly. Despite the slightly metallic taste of her lips, your mutual feeling of joy is truly unbounded as you hold this vicious monster tightly and kiss her."

Smitten: "Ah-ha, what did I tell you, fellows? She just needs a loving touch and she's like putty in our hands!"

Hero: "Amazing! I can't believe it worked after all!"

Cheated: "Yeah, guess he's not as stupid as I thought! What happens next?"

The Narrator: "Well. You kiss for a while, a soft giggle escaping the princess's lips as they press against yours. The happy moment seems to last forever. And then… um. Oh dear."

Hero: "What? What is it?"

The Narrator: "Um. Well. She starts opening her mouth into the kiss."

Cheated: "Woah, this is getting real good!"

Smitten: "Ahh, she truly is a creature of passion. Well then, let me continue to take the wheel, fellows, I can assure you I know what to do…"

The Narrator: "Um. Yes. She opens her mouth into the kiss and - oh I see."

Hero: "What does she do?"

The Narrator: "You feel a sudden, sharp pain erupt from your beak to your chin as her metal teeth bite down on the entire lower half of your face."

Cheated: "What?! That's such bullshit!"

Smitten: "Now hold on, darling…"

The Narrator: "You try to pull back, to let her go, but your 'darling''s blade arms have caught around your back, cutting into it as she holds herself up. But the pain of the blades slicing into your back is nothing compared to the razor-sharp teeth digging into your face, drawing copious amounts of blood. And with muffled laughter, she bites down. Hard. Bones shatter and sinews sever as her jaws agonisingly dig down through your entire face, her teeth eventually meeting somewhere in what used to be your mouth."

Smitten: "Now hold on, this isn't quite what I was going for…"

Cheated: "Total. Bullshit."

The Narrator: "But she does not care what you were 'going for'. She rips what remains of your face off as she finally pulls back from the grisly kiss. You try to scream, but your throat is filling up with the blood oozing from the ruin of your mouth. The Princess laughs a laugh muffled by gore as she stands up, spitting your face onto the ground."

Cheated: "Hey! That's ours!"

The Narrator: "The Princess's face is streaming with your blood, but not nearly as much as yours is."

The Princess: "You're right, that was so much more fun than just skewering you immediately! These romantic murders really are something special! I can't wait to see what you think of next time, hihi!"

Hero: "There's gotta be something we can still do…"

The Narrator: "Not really. You're standing there with half a face, drowning in the blood pouring from the other half. The pain alone is truly overwhelming. Mercifully, she skewers you."

Smitten: "I admit this wasn't ideal, but hear me out, fellows, perhaps if next time we-"

Cheated and Hero: "NO!"

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Hi, it's been a while since I've shown my face around here. Lately I've been writing a series of fics for the fantastic visual novel Slay the Princess based on the question 'How would things go if you could kiss Princesses other than Thorn?'. As you can see, the results are a little mixed with Razor in this first chapter, but there's two more chapters to come. I'll be uploading one here every day or so, if you're hungry for more quicker you can find the entire Kiss the Princess series on AO3.