Chapter 15
A week goes by and I'm exhausted. I've been at training for two days straight and every inch of me burns. Willow is growing a little bit every single day and Peeta is falling into the father role better each moment he spends with his daughter. Me on the other hand, I am growing further away from her. It's only been two days of training nonstop and I already miss her so much it hurts. We have had to start weaning her off the milk I've been creating as soon she won't have that as a source of food. It's been such a small thing in comparison to everything else, but it feels like a stab to the heart. I can no longer feed my child as nature intended. She is having milk fed by a bottle mixed with some sort of formula which is supposed to provide her with the same sorts of nutrients which breast milk can. I have a hard time believing that, but I don't get much of a say in it as I'm not going to be here to feed her in a few weeks.
"Do you want me to rub your back?" Peeta asks, his warm hands pushing my braid off my back and over my shoulder.
I moan in response.
Peeta moves to sit behind me in the wall cut out couch and starts rubbing my whole back, noticing the places that already carry knots and working them out. I moan out loudly, loving the relief I'm getting from this small act of kindness which Peeta is giving to me. Peeta moves his head to rest on my shoulder softly and kisses the bare skin of my neck.
"Be quiet, you don't want to wake up the baby." He whispers in my ear, his hot breath on my sensitive lobes making me shiver and get a pang of excitement where I haven't in a few weeks.
When I went to get my shot first up, Peeta had already come up with all sorts of questions to see how it would change how we currently are in the childbirth recovery stage. With blush all over his face, he asked about when it would be safe to have sex again. When I was being released from hospital, they told me to wait at least six weeks before having sex or doing any strenuous tasks. The body will take a while to adjust after such a traumatic thing to happen to the human body. Understanding, we realised that we may not ever be able to have sex again as I was being shipped off in four weeks at that stage. Now two weeks away and after having all of my shots, they told us that we should be fine to resume any sexual activity. I think with the training I've been doing and with a newborn, it's been at the back of our minds. With the time for me to leave coming up closer each day, it's making me more curious as to when we will make love again.
I've been watching my body change in under a week to be at it's almost normal shape and feeling, it's been strange to say the least. I learnt love my body changing to accommodate Willow as she was growing inside me. Once I started to feel her, knowing I was growing along with her it made it easier, but now that she is out of my body and these shots are putting my body back to it's pre-pregnancy weight and shape. I have more scars from her being inside me which I once hated, but now find myself hoping will stay with me as a reminder of what my body has gone through to carry this beautiful girl I can call my daughter.
Peeta's lips trail down my shoulder as his hands still work on my back, doing all sorts of wonderous things with those strong baker fingers. I try and keep my voice down as Peeta still alights everything inside me again, making my aching back arch into his chest. My head rests on his strong shoulder and I gaze up into his eyes. Those tranquil blues stare down at me with some heat behind them. Peeta hasn't been to rushing me, he told me that night after the first shot that we wouldn't do anything until I felt ready. I'm not complaining now, it just feels incredible to be like this with him again. I didn't know if I was ever going to feel like a horny teenager again. Even though we are seventeen, almost eighteen at this point, we still are nothing but horny teenagers. Peeta presses a hot kiss to my temple and it makes me gasp.
"Do you want me to keep going?" Peeta asks, trailing his hand down my arm and brushing my nipples with his fore arm.
They pebble at the soft touch, being extremely sensitive ever since Willow started feeding. I bite my lip, wishing we could. But I don't want to have sex in the same room as our daughter. I think if Peeta remembered about her in this moment, he would also stop thinking the same thing.
"Willow." I breathe, looking over to her crib where our daughter sleeps soundly.
"If she wasn't here…" Peeta groans, his head dropping onto mine and pressing a quick kiss to my head.
I lean back up from his chest and Peeta continues rubbing my aching back. We are silent for a few moments and then I break it and ask the question on our minds.
"So, when would you like to… you know?" Still a pure girl sometimes, even though Peeta and I have been having sex on and off for almost a year and we have a baby together.
Peeta clears his throat and then his fingers pause on my back.
"I thought we decided to leave that up to you. You're the one who had to change her whole body for our child." Peeta responds.
"Yeah, I know. But we haven't talked about it since I finished those shots."
"No, we haven't, but it's still up to you. I'm ready whenever you're ready."
Peeta presses a tender kiss to the base of my neck before going back to rubbing my back.
I sit in my thoughts for a few minutes. I know I want to have sex with Peeta again before I go off into the Capitol, encase anything does happen. I would like to have had one last memory with Peeta like that. I don't even remember the last time we did make love, since before Willow was proving somewhat difficult since I was about the size of a house. Even though I don't mention anything else about it that day, in my mind I decided before I leave. Whether it's that night before or in a few days, before I go- we will make love again, even if it's for the last time.
:-:
Another week passes and I'm stronger, I feel like my old self. My baby weight has gone, my stretch marked stomach and loose skin which was there after the birth of my daughter has tightened up and is just really soft. I look like my normal self again. It's a very strange feeling as I was pregnant and not myself for nine months and now, I feel like my old self again. I don't know what kind of magic was in those shots I had, but all I know is that I feel fantastic and I'm just about ready to fight in the Capitol. My body is ready, my mind is ready, but my heart is aching beyond belief. Today I have a meeting with Beetee, Gale and the rest of my volunteers for the squad to go with us next week. Next week already. I feel like I've just blinked and now I'm about to go into battle to fight for the rebel cause, for a life without the Games over our heads. A life without Snow, a better life and government to live under.
"Kiss for you." I lean up and give Peeta a kiss, then leaning down to the beautiful brown-haired, blue-eyed girl in his arms. "And a kiss for you." A kiss I place on her cheek. She just stares at me lovingly. I know that babies aren't supposed to smile for a few more weeks. Soon, I hope I can see that smile, because I know it's going to turn Peeta and I into a mess of loving proud goo.
"I don't know how long I'll be, but I'll be back before we can go out to dinner."
"That's okay, Katniss. We will just be here, missing you."
It's such a small comment, but it breaks my heart. I know Peeta meant it as a soft truth, but it's a soft truth I wish wasn't real. I just smile at them both and wave to my daughter as Peeta helps move her arm in a soft wave and then I step out.
I head up a few floors to meet up with Gale and then we continue up to the training centre. We already had very early training this morning, we will also be doing that together with our squad after the official meet and greet before Beetee goes through the entire plan logistically. With training for the mission and being up with Willow during the night, I'm absolutely exhausted. I just keep my head up and think about the main focus.
"I wonder who else has volunteered?" I ask Gale, starting up a conversation.
"I don't know. I haven't heard about anyone else who will be joining us. I know that the propo team will be coming to shoot anything to help with our side of the rebellion provided anything does actually happen. But aside from them, I don't know."
The elevator dings at Special Weaponry and we step off, walking the hallway towards the back where Beetee's area is.
As we walk in, we see Beetee by a computer his wheelchair upgraded from when I last saw him. Surrounding him is six soldiers, including Boggs as the leader. Beetee introduces Gale and I to the team- Jackson, a middle-aged woman who is second in command after Boggs, twin sisters who we call Leeg 1 and Leeg 2 which are almost impossible to tell them apart, two older men named Mitchell and Holmes and just when I think we are finished with introductions, Beetee gestures to someone behind us. Turning that's when I realise we won't need an introduction at all. Finnick Odair dressed in the same training gear as us saunters towards us, opening his arms to me for a hug which I accept.
"Finnick, I didn't think you to be joining us." I tell him honestly. That was a short honeymoon for him and Annie. It makes sense for him to join though, he was apart of this all with us. He's ready for his life to start and end with Annie, no distractions.
"I've been trained for this since I was fourteen, I'm ready for Snow to choke on blood as much as the next person."
I smile agreeing with him, then Finnick throws something in my direction and I catch it before it hits my face, a sugar cube.
I laugh out loud and pop it into my mouth. "Now it's time for us to eat sugar." I reply, taking us back to that moment before the opening ceremony. He nods his head agreeing.
"Ladies and gentlemen, let the seventy-sixth Hunger Games begin." He announces, standing beside Gale and I, ready to fight alongside us.
:-:
Beetee explains that we will be boarding the hovercraft at 1700 a week from today, it will take us an hour to reach the Capitol, we will then smoothly enter their airspace and land in a Peacekeeper base which is three miles out of Snow's mansion, dressed as Peacekeepers. They had boobytrapped the streets for rebels to encounter, we have found a way around this. We have a device called a holo which Beetee created to alert us when we are near one. The base will be alerted the night before of an unsafe pod and will be evacuated so we can go in and take over base. Once we are settled in the camp and safe from any possible remaining Peacekeepers, we will alert Beetee with a button on the holo to let them know we are safe, then they will announce my death.
With the Capitol and the rest of Panem thinking I am dead, it will make it easier for us to storm them. With the holo in hand and being careful as we go. We will move in three packs of four, following the leaders steps to a tee as to not draw attention to the large pack of Peacekeepers inspecting that area. Once we have made it to the town square outside Snow's mansion, we will escort both Leeg's, Cressida and Messalla into the mansion posing as captured rebels. They are all aware of the plan and have safety measure set just encase they stray from us while in disguise. They will demand to share rebel secrets with Snow himself and that's when we will bounce. I will need to keep my cool long enough for Snow not to realise this is an ambush, will also need to get Snow alone too.
So much in this plan can go wrong, but if we try and stick to the plan the best we can, we will have the best chance at survival and ending this rebellion for good. After we go through this, we change into Peacekeeper uniforms and then perform our training in them to make sure we are able to do everything we need to in these uniforms. It's hot, sweaty and I hate the helmet we have to wear, but to hide our identities, this is the best option we have. We work out, practice shooting standard issue Peacekeeper guns and I practice using a bow for the first time in months, not missing a shot once. I feel ready.
Sweaty and ready for a feed, we return the uniforms and all head back to our compartments for Reflection. When I walk in, Peeta is playing with Willow on the bed, dangling a fluffy toy in her face and she bats it away with her tiny fists as she tries to grab it from her Daddy. It's such a beautiful sight to return home too after the reality check we had today.
"Look who's back, Willow!" Peeta drops the toy and lifts Willow up, pressing her to his chest, eyes and face beaming as he shows off our child to me.
"It's Mommy!"
I drop my stuff by the door, letting my face grow into a large smile, walking towards my daughter and climbing onto the bed, crossing my legs underneath me. I reach out for Willow and take her from Peeta's arms, cradling her in my own.
"Oh, hello my gorgeous girl! Mommy missed you so much!" I hold her close to me and breathe in her beautiful soft baby smell which makes me calm instantly. It's nice when it's not mixed with diaper smells.
"How was it?" Peeta asks, leaning up and pressing a tender kiss to my lips.
"Good, I feel ready. I don't want to leave you both, but I'm ready."
I cradle Willow's head against my chest and kiss the top of her head, grateful to have her in my arms after a hard day in Special Weaponry.
"As long as you are ready."
"I am, I promise. I'm ready to end this. I just want to go back home. I miss it, even if it's destroyed. I want to help rebuilt it, make it better than ever." I confess.
I have been thinking about that as I train, more things for me to achieve when I get back home to Twelve. The Victor's Village is all that's left, so everything will need to be rebuilt. I'm ready to help use my Hunger Games winnings to bring Twelve up to a better living standard than we ever have. The winnings we have will cover helping to rebuilt the district once again. I can't wait to move into either Peeta's or my house there in the Village and live out our lives together, not separated again.
"I think that's a brilliant idea, Katniss. Let's use our resources from being Victor's to help rebuild. Make Twelve ours again."
Peeta thinking the same way I am just makes me thankful that he's who I get to come home to every night.
"I love you."
"I love you."
:-:
At dinner, we are joined with everyone. Haymitch, Prim, my mother, Finnick, Annie, Johanna and Gale. It's a very crowded table, but its like our weird unconventional family. Brought together with hardships and pain, we are a steady family which will help any of them out without a second thought. We talk about the mission, Johanna wishes she could have joined us but she still hasn't been cleared from the doctors to go out into war. Something about her water torture and her constantly threatening her specialists that isn't helping her get cleared to go out into open fire. I wish she could come with us, I think she would be great in the Capitol, helping take down the person who took away her chance at life. I never thought I would like Johanna, but I'm glad we have changed that. She is like a girl Haymitch, those two in the same area brings so much sarcasm, we just let them talk and the rest of us listen to the interaction.
"I want to throw a little party or something, Prim and I were talking about it yesterday at breakfast." Annie chirps when everyone has almost finished eating.
Annie never really talks much during outings with us all, I think it's overwhelming for her and is worried about if anyone will listen to her. She is still branded the crazy one, even with Johanna and Peeta here too. They all endured horrid torture, all three of them have this devastating connection which they know each other's screams. It makes them connected in that dark way which the Games brought Finnick and I together when we didn't have anyone else here in Thirteen.
"I think that's a great idea." Peeta agrees, breaking the silence over the table.
"A party?" Johanna snipes.
"Yes, to all be together one last time before they storm the Capitol." Prim adds.
I'm glad Prim answered, I could see Annie getting flustered across from me and didn't want her to think it was a silly idea.
"Because we don't know if we will see each other together again?"
Johanna's comment has Annie reaching for her ears, pressing her palms hard into the centre to drown us out. Finnick's hands run up and down Annie's arms calming her.
"Yes." Finnick says softly to hide his truth bomb from hitting his wife's ears.
I look to Peeta who has sadness blooming in there. I turn my gaze across the table to look over everyone here, everyone that I love, everyone that has helped us in some way to get here to this moment where we are so close to this war ending. My eyebrows furrow and I smile, reaching over the table and touching Annie's elbow. Her head whips up fast and I smile soft at her. She removes her hands from her ears and starts chewing on her nails on one hand.
"I think it's a beautiful idea."
Her face lights up and looks to her side, Prim also smiling wide.
"Let's go and start planning!" Prim says excitedly, rising from the table and taking Annie's hand she isn't chewing on.
Annie and Prim disappear from the cafeteria and then Finnick shoots a deadly look to Johanna.
"I get your some heartless hard-ass, but did you need to be so blunt. She's been wanting to bring that up for weeks. She didn't just decide this yesterday with Prim." Finnick spits.
I figured it would have been harder for Annie to have Finnick leave her again within the same year for a mission she doesn't know if he will be coming back alive from. Peeta and I are struggling with this thought, but it never crossed my mind what Annie is going through right now.
"It's not my fault you fell for the crazy." Johanna replies deadpan, spooning another mouthful of corn mush into her mouth, an eyebrow cocked.
The look Finnick gives Johanna makes me think I'm back in the Games, for a moment I wonder what he will do. Surely he wouldn't start anything with someone as deadly as Johanna, but then again we are all deadly.
"Well, I think it's a good idea. We don't know what will happen out there. We all want everyone back even if we don't show it." My mother interjects, breaking the two deadly Victor's apart.
"Oh, and I'm assuming that comment was at me, wasn't it?" Johanna growls at my mother.
"Jo, enough." Peeta steps in.
"Go cry about it, breadboy. I'm so happy I don't have to hear you crying out for your 'precious Katniss' anymore. It interrupted the small sleep I could get in that cell."
Johanna rises to her feet, flicking her tray away from her towards Haymitch on the other side of the table. Peeta's rage comes instantly, jumping to his feet and passing Willow to me.
"What the hell is your deal? You think I don't still hear your screams in my head when I'm fighting off the venom inside me?" Peeta yells, the whole cafeteria looking in our direction.
Peeta and Johanna get right in each other's faces, the bubbling rage I can feel from Peeta even across the table is worrying me. Haymitch and Gale stand, ready to step in to break up whatever Johanna and Peeta get into.
"My deal?" Johanna starts sarcastically, her tone getting louder with each single letter. Her eyes are now wide and focussed on Peeta who stares down to Johanna with a squared jaw.
"My deal is that we are acting like this fucked up family and that we care about each other."
Johanna takes a breath before spitting into Peeta's face.
"You and me Peeta, we are friends only because we had to watch each other get dragged into interrogation after interrogation trying to speak truths about shit we didn't even know about. Listen to the torture of water and tracker jacker venom and well just about anything. And here we are acting like we care about each other. I don't know about you but I'm just glad to be out of that cell. But, to me life isn't much better outside of it. At least you have the child you were convinced Katniss killed after she took an arrow to the forcefield."
He what… Peeta thought I killed our baby? And he never told me? My heart drops down all the floors in this underground city and even further than that. I start breathing rapidly, feeling everything slip away from me. All I thought was stable, all I thought was safe. Peeta, the man I gave everything too, the man I saved more than one, the man I love. This man thought for almost three months that I killed his child and never thought to mention it to me. My eyes drift up to the man standing above the sarcastic devil herself, our eyes lock and whatever shines in his is blinded by the pain and agony that pulses through every single pore. I hold up the bundle in the air, hoping someone, anyone will take the hint and take this child who Peeta thought I killed away from me. My mind is foggy and dark, unable to figure out if I'm choosing anger or if I'm choosing pain. All I can hear pounding in my ears is- Peeta thought I killed our baby.
I stare daggers into the man's direction, a look which I'm sure would kill. I feel someone take the bundle and I get up from the bench and walk away, before I do something stupid like stab Peeta with a fucking butter knife.
Author's Note:
Hey, I'm sorry it's been a while, my life is kinda turning upside down and I haven't even picked up my laptop in a few months. I will try to write more soon, but I can't confirm when that will be. I have a few more chapters left sitting there ready to be proofed, and I will try to add them soon as I left a cliffhanger
This cliffhanger and another one coming up soon I didn't plan to happen! But I feel that we were due for some drama again. Don't hate me!
THANK YOU for your patience with me! Until next time, everlark4ever75 xx