Chapter Five - To Be a Soldier
There's a faint, dull ringing reverberating against her skull. Quinn can feel her eyes open, but her vision remains shrouded in darkness, pinpointed and gradually expanding as the world comes back into focus. She can hear Sairam's panicked voice cutting through the thick fog in her head, and feels the rough texture of the dirt under her hands. She finds herself lying flat on her back, with both Sairam and Flagon hovering over her.
She can't remember how the hell she got here.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Quinn hears Sairam shout over his shoulder, directing his attention to someone standing behind him. "What were you trying to do, kill her?!"
"Relax," another familiar voice replies in a deadpan tone. "She's just knocked out."
Quinn's head is spinning, the remnants of adrenaline clouding her thoughts. She tries to recall the situation she was in just before she lost consciousness, memories coming back to her in fragments. She remembers sparring with Levi, who overpowered her and forced her into a chokehold – one that she couldn't escape despite trying her hardest. She didn't even notice she was on the verge of passing out — not until it was too late.
She lost.
She actually lost.
Flipping over and crouching on her hands and knees, Quinn desperately tries to restore the air in her lungs. She feels a hand on her back — Sairam's — rubbing gently as she orients herself.
"You okay?" he asks in an all too infantile tone, prompting Quinn to brush off his hand as she sits herself up on her knees. She waves a dismissive hand as she does so, still lacking the energy to speak.
Sairam's head snaps back to Levi. "You could've killed her, y'know?! You could've crushed her windpipe!"
"Well, I didn't. I'm not an idiot."
Sairam's teeth grind together in anger. Before he can respond, Flagon interrupts them both. "Give it a rest, Sairam. Quinn is fine. I doubt something this minor is gonna hurt her."
Flagon is right — despite the dizziness, Quinn feels virtually unharmed. There's no strain on her windpipe, or discomfort when she tries to breathe.
It makes perfect sense that someone like Levi would know how to properly choke someone out.
There's a small ache of defeat in her chest, a discomfort that only grows as she lifts her head and catches a glimpse of the smug expression on Levi's face.
"You— you just got lucky!" Sairam shouts from behind her, and damn it she wishes he would stop speaking on her behalf. "Quinn is the strongest soldier we have! Nobody can beat her in hand-to-hand combat, not even Commander Flagon!"
An annoyed tch can be heard from where Flagon is standing, but he says nothing.
"Nuh-uh!" a new voice, Isabel's, speaks up from Levi's side. "Levi's the strongest! He's the strongest person alive!"
"Isabel," Levi interrupts, "Enough."
Quinn's face gradually changes into a scowl, the entire situation getting more embarrassing with every passing second. What Sairam had said was true — she can't remember the last time someone had overtaken her like that. Not even her commander, who fought for five minutes straight before giving up on trying to pin her down.
"Chin up, sweetheart." Levi's voice is laden with sarcasm as he glares down at her. "Nobody likes a sore loser."
"Fuck you." Quinn spits out before she can stop herself, her agitation quickly escalating. Levi's face remains unfazed, his cold, gray eyes looking right through her.
Commander Flagon quickly intervenes before things can escalate any further. "That's enough. We're done here." He then turns his attention to Levi's group. "You three, come with me. Commander Shadis wants to speak with you personally."
Flagon leads the group away from the sparring grounds, with a disgruntled Isabel still staring daggers at Sairam as they pass by. Quinn, Freya, and Sairam end up left behind, presumably dismissed from their training for the day.
"Don't let him get to you, Quinn." Sairam starts, kneeling down and rubbing unwelcome circles on her back again. "You're still–"
"Oh, piss off, Sairam." Quinn fails to hold her tongue again, and she almost can't believe the words coming out of her mouth. She's never been this aggressive before, especially towards her comrades. She knows they only mean well.
The man's hand retracts from her back, as if her words left a burn on his skin. Guilt quickly settles itself in Quinn's stomach. "I'm sorry, Sairam, I-"
"Y'know what, he's right," Sairam grunts as he stands back up. "Nobody likes a sore loser."
He walks away from the two girls, leaving Quinn and Freya alone. The knot in Quinn's stomach coils even tighter as she gazes down at the ground, silently pleading for the earth to swallow her whole.
"He knows you didn't mean it." Freya tries to comfort Quinn as she kneels down beside her, maintaining a respectful distance unlike their other comrade. "Plus, you know Sairam can't stay mad at you for long."
That fact doesn't seem to make Quinn feel any better. "It was still wrong. I shouldn't have snapped at him just because I was embarrassed."
"Embarrassed?" Freya responds in disbelief. "Quinn, you did amazing. That guy had Sairam on his ass in half a second. Most people would probably end up the same way. I think it's impressive that you held your own, even until your last breath."
There's a hint of a laugh in Freya's last sentence, one that helps brighten up Quinn's mood a bit. It was stupid for her to feel so torn up over this. Maybe she needed to be humbled. She had become far too comfortable with winning all the time.
It had been forever since someone had her on her toes like that. Despite the frustration, it was… exciting. Challenging.
Still, having somebody raise her standards made her feel weird. She's impressed, nervous, and intimidated all at once.
This seemed to be a recurring theme when it came to Levi.
"Thanks, Freya," Quinn says as she stands upright, forcing a half-hearted smile. "I'm gonna go find Sairam and give him a proper apology. Maybe he'll warm up a bit if I make him some tea."
Freya gives Quinn a confident nod, stands up, and starts to walk alongside her. "That's a good idea."
*︎**
Working alongside Levi proved to be just as uncomfortable as Quinn had imagined.
It's been about a week now since the Scout Regiment's newest recruits arrived, and things between her and Levi haven't lightened up one bit. If anything, he seemed even more abrasive than before. Flagon hasn't paired them as training partners since, and for good reason. He didn't need his two strongest soldiers at each other's throats. God knows how many people it'd take to pry them apart if they ever got into a real altercation.
Levi hadn't done anything directly, but the bitterness in his eyes and the slight attitude in his tone crept over Quinn's skin any time she was near him. She tried everything in her power to not encourage his hostility, hoping that the tension would start to die down, but it hasn't. Any relatively nice gesture she made was quickly shot down.
On the bright side, she's started to feel more comfortable around Isabel and Furlan. She had a pleasant conversation with Isabel about her love for animals, and Furlan wasn't giving her uncomfortable looks anymore. In fact, he even offered her a sincere thank you when he experienced a little hiccup with his gear.
But Levi was always nearby, looming over the two like a shadow.
Despite their given situation, the three have been surprisingly receptive when it came to their training. They paid close attention to Flagon's lessons on Commander Erwin's new scouting formation, and listened intently as Quinn explained how to perform proper maintenance on their ODM rigs. They were resilient, and took to their new roles easily, but they still had miles ahead of them. Trying to cram three years of training into just one month was no easy task, even if they took ODM movement out of the equation.
Quinn still doesn't understand why Erwin insists on bringing them outside the walls so soon. The thought doesn't sit well with her.
Commander Flagon had summoned the members of his squad to one of the few small conference halls on base, having the group gather in the first couple rows of seats. Quinn found herself sitting at one end next to Freya, who had Sairam sitting to her left. The other trio had put a bit of distance between themselves and the others, but for some reason, the gap didn't feel quite as big as it used to. Like it or not, their daily exercises together were slowly melding the group into one unit — into a proper squad.
"Alright guys," Flagon begins as he enters the room, making his way to the front. His attention immediately zeroes in on their three newest recruits. "You guys have done well this past week with your basic training, but now it's time you get some experience out on the field."
The phrase 'out on the field' quickly makes the group uncomfortable, but the commander quickly clarifies himself. "We'll be taking a weekend excursion out to a forest in Wall Maria. You'll learn how to properly set up a base camp and supply depots, as well as the ins and outs of watch rotations and Titan spotting. While there won't be any real Titan threats, you should take this part of your training very seriously. Titan attacks can occur without warning, so an early spotting can make a world of difference."
None of the Scouts have much of a reaction one way or the other — besides Isabel, whose eyes are sparkling with excitement. Levi looks a bit annoyed at the idea, but then again, the man never looks particularly happy. Sairam also seems displeased at the thought of spending an entire weekend with their new squadmates. Although he and Levi haven't had any other altercations, the resentment between them was still evident.
"We'll be joining up with Harlon's squad. He's got a group of cadets who could use the extra experience. We'll be leaving in the morning, which means we should get there some time tomorrow evening." Flagon continues. "You guys get the rest of the day off in preparation, so rest up. I expect you to be up and ready by sunrise."
There's an audible groan that comes from Isabel, but Flagon disregards it and quickly dismisses the group. Quinn finds herself walking alone as she makes her way back to her quarters, thinking about what was to come in the days ahead. Hearing the news about the fresh cadets left a knot of discomfort growing in her stomach. Early springtime was graduation season for the Cadet Corps, which always brought a fresh wave of new faces. Working alongside them was always a bit difficult, but that wasn't due to their lack of experience.
It was because Quinn knew that nearly half of them wouldn't survive their first expedition beyond the walls.
She should be used to it by now — it's the way things have always worked in the Scout Regiment. Death was always lurking around every corner, claiming life after life with every new excursion they went on. However, it was different with the new recruits. Many of them were children, dedicating their lives to the military before they could fully comprehend what that sacrifice meant. Time and time again Quinn would do everything in her power to prepare them for the worst, but there isn't a single thing in this world that can truly prepare you for your first encounter with a Titan.
The fear in their eyes, and the way they freeze up in their boots. The way they scream helplessly as they're thrown into the jaws of gluttony incarnate. It's a sight that will always haunt her.
'You can't save them all.' Hange would tell her.
Quinn's mind flashes back to her three new squadmates.
They were strong. They were different from the others. They knew how to handle themselves, even with a gruesome fate staring them in the face.
She repeats that mantra in her head over and over again until she arrives back at her room.
︎***
There's a small glint of sunlight cresting over the horizon as Quinn straps her backpack to her personal horse — a cream colored mare with brown speckles covering her snout. Quinn was lucky enough to call this horse her companion since she first joined the Corps. Jericho had named her Tilly, so Tilly it was.
Her horse was gathered near the main gate with the others, standing next to Isabel's new steed — a light brown male that bonded with the girl faster than any horse Quinn had ever seen. Furlan's horse looked relatively similar to Isabel's, standing a row ahead alongside their third counterpart, who was still getting acquainted with the black stallion that Isabel insisted should be his. It made sense, in a way. The horse's coat was almost as dark as the hair on his head.
As Quinn looks ahead, she catches a glimpse of Levi standing in front of his horse, reaching his hand up and offering it to the large animal. The horse tentatively rubs its snout against the hand before giving it a small lick.
In the small window of time Quinn has known him, she found out pretty quickly just how much of a neat-freak Levi was, so she couldn't help but be surprised when he didn't have an adverse reaction. Instead, he gave the horse's nose a gentle pet of approval before making his way to its side.
Quinn didn't even notice the small smile that had crept onto her face — not until Levi was looking back at her with an abhorrent glare. It makes her quickly straighten her posture as her eyes dart away from him.
Both Levi and Quinn are caught off guard when a loud cackle erupts from Quinn's left. "I told you that horse likes you, bro!"
"Shut up." Levi gripes. As he turns to glare at Isabel, Quinn spots a hint of pink on his cheeks. So he wasn't just appalled that Quinn had looked his way, he's embarrassed – embarrassed that someone had caught sight of one of his softer moments.
It takes everything in Quinn's power not to let that smile come back.
It isn't long before Commander Flagon shows up, accompanied by Captain Harlon – another one of his subordinates who leads one of the lesser defense squads. Quinn spots his newest group trailing behind him, her heart plummeting as she examines their faces. They all look quite young, and at least a third of them have to be under the age of 16.
Quinn could count on one hand how many younger cadets she's seen survive past their first year.
It's a gut-wrenching feeling, knowing that she's looking at a group of kids who may as well be walking ghosts.
Another small collection of faces she'll remember for the rest of her life.
︎***
The trip to Wall Maria was surprisingly pleasant compared to their journey from Sina. Maybe it was the fresh air, or the smile on Isabel's face that Levi caught sight of out of the corner of his eye. It could also be the fact that they weren't crammed inside a small carriage with a complete stranger — one who was now becoming more familiar with every day. Levi can't deny that Isabel seems to get along great with her, already deeming her as her "favorite" among all the Scouts, although that bar was never very high to begin with.
Honestly, he's more uncomfortable with the fact that Isabel has a favorite in the first place. She knows just as well as he does that all of this is temporary.
The girl has always been too soft-hearted for her own damn good, and that seemed to be a recurring theme with her new acquaintance.
Levi is the type of person who can't help but observe everything and everyone around him, his brain constantly taking in every small detail almost involuntarily. He can read anyone like an open book, down to the slightest shift of their eyes or twitch of their hands. And boy, did his new squad give him plenty of new reading material.
First, there was his newly appointed commander-in-charge, Flagon Turret, an arrogant man whose insecurities were almost as apparent as his temper. Although it isn't to the same extent as Levi, Flagon obviously holds a lot of resentment towards Commander Erwin. It causes him to fixate on his failures, so much so that he neglects all of his current responsibilities.
In short, he's one damn shitty leader.
Then there's Freya, a mild-mannered young woman who seems to specialize in mediocrity. She has enough skill to hold her own, but has a tendency to stay in the background and let others take the initiative. However, that also made her the quietest of the group, which is a plus for Levi.
Contrary to the quietest member of the squad, there was the loudest – Sairam Barr, the epitome of arrogance. He complains like he gets paid for it, usually in an attempt to seem like he's above the more mundane responsibilities of a soldier. He's also a professional at seeking validation – particularly from a specific member of their squad, whom he seems to latch onto like a tick.
Literally. He has zero respect for her personal space, and it bugs the fuck out of Levi.
Of course, last but not least, there was her – one of the individuals responsible for dragging them up to this shithole in the first place. She was by far the most hands-on member of their squad, even more so than their shithead of a commander. The trend was obvious from day one; Flagon would give a brief explanation of what they were expected to do, then step back and let the woman oversee all of the actual work – including the work that Sairam would brush onto her. And she just… lets them. She accepts all of the extra responsibilities and takes care of them with a smile on her face. It did seem like she genuinely enjoyed some of the teaching aspects, but that was just a small portion of her workload.
Levi can see the subtle twitch in her eye whenever someone asks something new of her. Despite her outer appearance, she hates it. And yet she still does it.
For someone who's supposed to be considered the "strongest", she sure as hell didn't have a backbone.
He tried to ignore just how melancholy the woman's face became when she spotted that small group of cadets who looked almost too young to wipe their own asses — much less take down a horrendous monster. Levi still isn't entirely sure what to expect when he encounters a Titan for the first time, but from the conversations he's overheard during his time here, they sound pretty damn horrifying. It makes him concerned for his own two friends — Isabel in particular.
But hell, if that runt of a Scout can do it, he's sure Isabel can.
At least, he's pretty sure.
After making their way through the gate of Wall Rose, the group's soft trot turned into a full speed gallop as the crowded city streets turned into wide open fields. The sky above them was a crisp blue, a handful of clouds scattered throughout. The pleasant scenery helped the hours pass by quickly, and before they knew it, the group was slowing down at the edge of a forest.
Flagon led the group down a narrow path, crowded with overgrown foliage, until he was sure they were nestled deep within the heart of the trees. The clearing where they came to a stop had clearly been used as a campsite before, so Levi figured this must be a regular thing for the Scouts' newest recruits.
The group gathers in the area designated for their horses and step off one by one. Isabel lets out a groan as she stretches her legs to ease the discomfort in her ass. The other woman lets out a small laugh.
"You'll get used to it." she tries to assure the younger girl. "Saddle sores are a pain in the ass at first. Literally."
Somehow that horrible joke coaxes a laugh out of Isabel, while Levi merely shoots her an annoyed glance. Part of him has to admit, it's surprising how lighthearted the woman has managed to be over the past few days, especially after their spat on the training grounds. Normal people would be a lot more put off by Levi by now, so much so that they'd refuse to even speak to him — which is exactly what he wanted. The other two on their squad seemed to get the hint pretty quickly, but that woman was far too insistent on trying to establish a normal camaraderie with them. Levi doesn't understand why.
Commander Flagon made quick work of directing their squad to help pitch the tents and canopies, leaving most of the explaining up to that woman, as per usual. She even ended up taking on some of Sairam's work, hauling the large wooden stakes that were apparently too heavy for the daffodil to carry.
The evening was uneventful, most of their time being eaten up by unloading cargo and supplies. As the darkness of night enveloped the sky, the group gathered around a roaring campfire. Flagon had done the courtesy of passing out a serving of field rations to everyone, dry bricks of oats and wheat and who knows what else. Levi examined the bar with disgust; even the Underground had more appetizing food than this.
"Yuck!" Isabel cringes as she attempts to choke down a piece. "These things are awful. Is this all you guys eat?"
Sairam's response is muffled by a mouthful of food. "Not always. Sometimes if we're lucky, Quinn will make us some stew."
The woman might as well be a damn wet nurse at this point.
"You cook?" Isabel asks in surprise, disregarding her rations altogether.
The woman offers a half-hearted shrug as she picks at her own serving, eyes fixated on the food in her lap. "Sometimes."
"Aw, don't be so modest, Quinn!" Sairam teases from her side, draping an arm over her shoulder in the most undesirable way Levi has ever seen. "She's an amazing cook! Her pies are the best. I bet she'd bake you one if you asked."
The woman under Sairam's arm looks more uncomfortable than ever, yet she still doesn't shrug him off. Instead, she offers a meager smile and laughs along with him.
"You would?!" Isabel asks in excitement.
Unlike Levi, she wasn't exactly the best at reading between the lines.
"Isabel, enough." Levi stops her before she can pester the woman into any more obligations. "Eat your food."
The girl huffs in protest, but ultimately drops the subject and shoves another bite of dry biscuit into her mouth. Levi keeps a subtle eye on Sairam, who stops his teasing but doesn't remove his arm from the woman's shoulder. Despite her obvious discomfort, she doesn't protest, just sits compliantly and eats her rations in silence.
︎***
"Quinn, Isabel," Flagon addresses the two women after everyone finishes their pitiful excuse for a meal. "I want you two to take first watch."
Quinn doesn't respond verbally, giving her superior a compliant nod. She had already anticipated that Flagon would assign her on first watch with one of their new recruits. Thank God it was with Isabel; she certainly made better company than the other two.
The commander directs his attention specifically to Quinn. "Make sure she pays attention." he instructs her. "The rest of you, head to your sleeping bags. We'll be up at first light. Levi, Sairam, you'll be taking the second watch of the night, so expect to be woken up in a few hours."
Oh boy.
Flagon's lost it.
Quinn isn't entirely sure how that situation will play out, but it can't be good. From her left, she sees Sairam's complexion turn pale. Her gaze shifts from him to Levi, who looks like he's already thinking of different ways to torment the man. She almost wants to voice her concerns, but suddenly she's hyper-aware of the weight of Sairam's arm on her shoulder.
Fuck it. He can be the uncomfortable one for a bit.
After everyone else starts heading to bed, Quinn leads Isabel a few yards away to a nearby drop-off that overlooks the lower tree line.
"Unless we have watchtowers set up, we'll usually be keeping watch at spots like this." Quinn tells the younger girl as she sits down in the damp grass, wrapping her cloak around her shoulders. Isabel follows her lead and plops down next to her.
"So what is it exactly I'm looking for? What's the point of this if there are no Titans?"
Quinn offers a shrug as she glances down at the forest below. "Mostly just so you'll get the idea of what it feels like. Out beyond the walls, it's not very hard to spot them once you know what to look for: steam, falling trees — sometimes you'll even hear their footsteps before you catch sight of them."
Isabel hums thoughtfully in response. "Are Titans even active at night?"
"No. Interestingly enough, Titans do sleep – or at least, something close to it. It's like their bodies just turn off completely. The spotters are just an extra precaution."
The younger girl is quiet for a few moments, hugging her legs to her chest and resting her chin on her kneecaps. "Can I ask you something?"
"Yeah?"
"Why do you guys do it? Go out beyond the walls, I mean."
Quinn bites her inner cheek and takes a moment to consider her response. "Isabel, do you have any idea how big the world is?"
"... No."
"Me neither. Nobody does. We've only ever made it a few miles outside of Maria. Everything beyond that is completely uncharted territory." Quinn's eyes shift from the forest floor to the twinkling night sky on the horizon. "How far does it go? What's at the end? Does one even exist?"
Isabel stays quiet, encouraging Quinn to keep going.
"There's something out there — I can feel it, deep in my bones. I want to see it. Even if it's nothing, nothing is still something."
There's a few more moments of silence before Isabel finally responds. "What does this all mean?"
"What does what mean?"
"What does it mean to be a soldier?" There's a look of uncertainty in Isabel's eyes as she plucks at the grass beneath her. "In the Underground, it felt like the soldiers were only there to protect the rich merchants. Keep the haves and the have-nots divided. Things just work so differently out here. When we were drafted in, I thought I could just figure it out as I went, but everything just keeps getting more confusing."
Quinn takes a moment to formulate her response. "I think everybody has a different perspective on what it means to be a soldier. Some people don't see it as anything more than a bed and a paycheck, while other people see it as a way to gain power over others. But to me, being a soldier means utilizing your strengths to accomplish what others can't." The determination in Quinn's eyes doesn't waver for a second. "I've always been a lot stronger than other people, and I want that to mean something – something good. I want to fight for the people that can't."
Isabel takes another moment to respond, and what she says next catches Quinn off guard. "You know, you and Levi are a lot alike."
Quinn almost snorts at her comment. "Me and Levi? How?"
A small smile appears on the girl's face as she speaks. "A couple of years ago, Levi used his strength to save me. I was just a dumb little girl getting into trouble on the streets, and one day I messed with the wrong people, and he protected me from them. He let me stay with him and Furlan even though I didn't have anything to offer them — just because he knew I needed it. He even helped us take care of an injured bird til it could fly again. He's helped other people, too. Kids mostly." It's evident in Isabel's voice just how grateful she is. The girl pauses for a moment to look at Quinn head on. "Don't tell him I said this, but I secretly think Levi's a big softy. I know he can be mean, but he cares where it counts."
"Where it counts, huh?" Quinn repeats with a half-smile. She recalls the time he stitched her up in the carriage, and the moment where he returned her lost journal. Even just earlier that day, when she watched him handle his horse in such a gentle manner.
"Well, don't tell him I said this either, but I think you're right."