Jesse felt like he was a good brother. He was one of the only ones who could get Kix to relax for longer than five minutes. When Fives started closing in on himself in his grief after what had happened to Echo, Jesse was the one who was able to break through that and get him out of his own head. He was able to make shinies feel welcome.
But sometimes he felt like nothing short of a failure, like everything he did was wrong, and lately that seemed to happen mostly with Dogma.
He just didn't know how to connect with the kid. Not like Hardcase could. He liked Dogma well-enough, but he was confused by him. The shiny didn't shut up about rules and regulations. Jesse had thought he was used to that from Echo, but they did it differently. Echo used to repeat the rules often, in an attempt to help his frantic brothers regain control and focus. He just wanted them to be on the same page, and the rules could be a good starting point for that.
Dogma treated the guidelines as religious text almost, and Jesse was baffled. Didn't the kid know that he wasn't on Kamino anymore, and there weren't any long-necks that would decommission them if they stepped a toe out of line?
Jesse had thought that Dogma just needed encouragement to calm down and let himself actually think for himself. He teased Dogma about the rules, trying to get him to see how unrealistic and silly the regulations were. All it accomplished was making Dogma buckle down. The more Jesse pushed, the more firm Dogma got, and it wasn't long before most of their interactions became arguments about their differences of opinion.
That wouldn't be so bad, except both Dogma and Jesse eventually adopted a tone that implied that they knew they were right, and if someone disagreed with them then it was a moral failing. Jesse didn't really feel that way about Dogma, but he definitely felt that way about the rules on principle. He didn't know how to explain what the difference was though, so Dogma got it into his head that Jesse thought there was something wrong with him.
Honestly, Jesse thought there was something wrong with all of them. They were all flawed products of the Kaminoan's initial design, even if they weren't defected. Hardcase had the attention span worse than a cadet. Tup was overly emotional. Rex sometimes had a hard time remembering that just because somebody shared a different opinion about something didn't mean they were inherently wrong. Though, the Kaminoans probably didn't consider that a flaw at all. It was something they had tried to drill into the clones from a young age.
Kix put way too much pressure on himself. As for Jesse, he could probably spend all day just writing down all of his faults and flaws and still barely scratch the surface. Right now though at the very top of that list was that he hadn't done enough to try to understand Dogma. He wondered if maybe he had, then the kid wouldn't have felt the need to request a transfer.
Jesse was convinced that was what had to have happened. To his knowledge, people were only sent to the guard if they weren't fit for the frontlines anymore. It was like retirement for clones. Dogma wasn't hurt, which meant that he must have requested this transfer himself. Maybe he got so tired of the teasing that bordered on bullying, and decided that he would be better off with people who understood him.
And maybe he was right, but Jesse still felt bad. He could have tried a little harder. The 501st, and especially Torrent, were supposed to be a family. They shouldn't give up on each other.
Jesse wasn't torn up about it the way that Tup and Hardcase were. He felt bad about pushing Dogma into this position, but he would get over his absence. If the kid thought he'd do better in the Coruscant Guard, who was Jesse to drag him back to a place where he didn't feel appreciated?
Life went on as normal, and then General Skywalker got called back to Coruscant for a meeting with the Chancellor. They would probably only be there for a day or two, so more people than usual were given a shift so they could get restocked to head back out at a moment's notice. Hardcase was scheduled to work, so Jesse and Fives had to miss out on having another drinking buddy.
They invited Tup to 79's, but the kid refused. He made some kind of plans with Hardcase when his shift was over. And Tup had had about as much fun getting drunk as they'd had watching him.
So Jesse and Fives went alone. They were usually pretty good at drinking together, but this time, after getting buzzed, Fives came up with the idea of playing 'what's your biggest regret right now?'
Jesse didn't like that game. It turned fun drinking into sad drinking, and when clones were drunk it could be so easy to forget the lines between topics that should be handled delicately, and topics that were okay to make fun of. More than once Jesse had seen brothers start fighting with each other because somebody thought that someone else's biggest regret was funny, and they laughed at it, undermining the very serious emotions.
Not that Jesse thought he and Fives would start throwing punches, but he still didn't want to play this particular game.
But he agreed, because Jesse knew that Fives' biggest regret had to do with Echo, and so far Fives had only really felt like talking about his twin to Rex or Kix, and only because he was given no other choice. If Fives was ready to open up about his feelings about Echo's death, then Jesse would listen.
Fives went first, as it had been his idea. His drunk ramblings were a little hard to follow, and it was a real bummer and nothing that Jesse didn't already know, but it was good for Fives to talk about it. It was a sign that he was one more step through the grieving process.
"You seem like you're doing better." Jesse said.
"I feel better." Fives said. "Not having the shadow of him following me around everywhere helps."
Jesse frowned. Just after Dogma and Tup had been brought into the 501st, Fives had gotten himself absolutely plastered. They didn't keep a lot of alcohol on the ship, but it seemed like Fives drank all of it. Jesse had been worried about Fives' mental state, and the possibility of alcohol poisoning. He'd brought him to Kix and stayed there as the medic had looked him over, just in case Fives was so drunk that he started swinging his fist.
Jesse had been right there as Kix forced Fives to talk about what was going on, and he confessed that it all came back to Echo. He said that the new shiny, Dogma, felt like a cheap imitation of the brother he had lost. A cruel mockery. A shadow of Echo.
Jesse had been horrified by Fives' words. Kix had been so furious that Jesse was sure that he was about to refuse to treat Fives, but he took a deep breath and did his job. That was when Kix had insisted that Fives talk to him about Echo. Jesse didn't know if there was any more talk about Dogma like that. He'd hoped it was just a drunk thing. After hearing what Fives had to say now, Jesse wasn't so sure.
"Dogma is more than just a shadow of your vod." Jesse said, trying to be both stern and comforting. "And you never should have talked about him like he was."
Fives didn't really answer him. He didn't seem too drunk, but neither of them were sober. Jesse hoped he remembered to bring this up again when they weren't under the influence.
"Okay, it's your turn." Fives said. "What's your regret?"
Jesse hadn't had a true answer before, but now he had Dogma on his mind, and there were a lot of regrets that came with that.
"That I let things get out of hand with Dogma." Jesse said. "He shouldn't have felt the need to request a transfer."
Fives looked at him in confusion. "He didn't ask for this. The guard needed more soldiers. Rex wanted to send Hardcase. I convinced him to send Dogma instead."
Jesse felt his blood go cold and he suddenly wished he was twice as drunk. "Why would you do that?"
Fives shrugged. "I thought it would be better if Rex sent away someone that wouldn't be missed."
Jesse saw red. He normally wouldn't fight with a brother, but he also wouldn't just sit there and let someone speak badly about his brother. He was a defender at heart, so when he heard those poisonous words come out of his mouth he reacted without thinking about it. He lunged forward and hit Fives across the face before he could realize what was happening.
Fives staggered back and looked at him with a wounded expression, but when Jesse went in for another hit he defended himself and fought back. In the span of a few seconds their civil discussion had turned into a brawl, and Jesse didn't stop even when the bartender threatened to call the guard on them. Let them come. Jesse would gladly spend the night in the drunk tank if it meant giving Fives a few more solid hits. It was the least that he deserved.
"I can't believe you two." Rex said, sounding both disappointed and furious. He'd had to pick them up from the drunk tank, and he wasn't impressed. That was fine. Jesse wasn't feeling impressed with Rex and Fives either. "What's this all about?"
"This is about him making his grief everyone else's problem." Jesse pointed harshly at Fives. "And you're just enabling him."
Fives' eyes flashed and he looked ready to start the fight all over again. Rex recognized the danger, and didn't let it get that far. He put himself between Fives and Jesse.
"Go to the medbay." Rex said to Jesse. "We'll discuss this more later." He then grabbed Fives' arm and started leading him to his office, both to separate them and to get his side of the story. Jesse was still seething, but with the sources of his anger walking away from him he was left feeling guilty, drained, and horrified.
He'd seen Dogma, and the poor kid had looked frightened when he was recognized. He'd never been scared of Jesse before. Had the guard messed him up that bad? Or had Jesse been the one to mess him up?
He desperately wanted to blame the guard, but Jesse had seen the way that the other guards had treated Dogma. They hadn't yelled at him for freezing up. They'd treated him carefully, and when they were brought to the drunk tank the other guard pulled Dogma away from them, just so he didn't have to see them.
And Fox had been beyond pissed at them. Jesse had heard about Fox' temperament, but this was his first time being on the receiving end of it. The Commander had acted like they had personally offended him. Jesse felt like he could still feel Fox' cold gaze as he examined him, trying to read into his very soul.
Dogma had told Fox about them. He hadn't had nice things to say, and Jesse couldn't blame him for one second.
He walked numbly to the medbay, not because he thought he needed to be treated, but because he needed his vod. Jesse could live with having a split lip. He probably deserved it. But he needed somebody to comfort him while also knocking some sense into him, and Kix was the perfect person to do just that.
He let himself in. Kix was doing paperwork, and Jesse knew that it wasn't work that he couldn't put off. Kix looked up when he came in, his bored expression quickly falling away to one of concern.
"What did you do?!" Kix got up and rushed to Jesse's side. He could be calm in the face of a life-threatening injury, but Kix had a tendency to freak out about the small things if there was nothing more concerning to freak about. Jesse thought that Kix just subconsciously used this opportunity to get out all of his general concern over his brothers, when he usually had to hide it away under a mask of professionalism.
"Got in a fight." Jesse muttered as Kix moved his face from side to side, looking at every scrape and bruise. "Trust me, the other guy has it worse." Jesse had been far more brutal than Fives had been. Maybe he should feel guilty that Fives had clearly been pulling his punches because he didn't want to hurt him, and yet Jesse hadn't held back, but he couldn't bring himself to feel bad.
"That doesn't make me feel better." Kix gave him an unimpressed look. He had a lecture on the tip of his tongue, but he held it back when he looked at Jesse's eyes. He imagined that his anger and sadness were still reflected in them. Jesse had never been very good at hiding his emotions from his brothers. None of the clones were.
"What happened?" Kix asked gently.
"Fives is an idiot, and Dogma deserves better." Jesse muttered. He still felt somewhat buzzed. He wished he was either completely hammered, or sober. This was the worst of both worlds.
"Dogma?" Kix glanced to the side. Jesse didn't bother following his gaze. "Maybe we should talk somewhere else." He heard the words, but he didn't understand the reason behind it, and his mind was just fuzzy enough that he couldn't try to think of why he should think twice.
"I thought he wanted to leave us, and he had every right to." Jesse said. "But it was Fives. He…he didn't know how to cope with Dogma, so he got it into his head to convince Rex to send him away." Jesse's throat was tight. He was so mad at the both of them. "And our Captain didn't see a problem with it."
"Jesse," Kix' voice had taken on a slightly warning tone to it. Maybe Jesse was pushing things by talking disrespectfully about Rex, but he didn't really care.
"He said that Dogma should go because nobody cared about him." Jesse gave a low chuckle. He leaned forward and rested his head on Kix' shoulder. He wasn't really drunk, but between the alcohol, the anger, and the guilt, his mind was making it very hard for him to focus. "So I hit him."
"Fives said what?" Jesse blinked. That was a brother's voice, but it wasn't Kix. He lifted his head and looked to the side. It took Jesse a long moment to realize that he was looking at Tup. The kid's eyes were shining, but they weren't tears of despair. He looked furious. Jesse had never seen Tup look so mad. He didn't know the kid had it in him.
That was the face of someone who was ready to raise hell. A brother should never be responsible for making any clone feel this way. As mad as Jesse was at Fives, it was nothing compared to Tup. He looked like he wanted to do far worse to Fives than give him a few punches.
Kix could tell the same, and he would never allow it.
"Where is he?" Kix asked.
"Rex is talking to him." Jesse said. Kix nodded.
"I'm going to figure out what's going on here." Kix said. He pointed to Jesse. "Keep Tup here. And you," He pointed at Tup. "Keep Jesse here. I don't want to hear about any more fights." He left before either of them could complain, locking the door behind him. He didn't trust them to not encourage each other to find Fives, and probably for good reason.
Tup still looked furious, but he took a deep breath and sat down, rubbing his eyes. Jesse felt bad. Tup deserved to know the truth, but not like this. He needed to cheer the kid up.
Jesse sighed and sat next to him. "You know, I saw Dogma."
Tup sniffled and looked at him. "Is he okay?"
"I think I scared him a bit, but he's doing well for himself." Jesse said. "He threw himself in the middle of a bar fight, almost single-handedly putting a stop to it." Jesse didn't even consider it an exaggeration. Dogma had stopped him, and Fives would have calmed down and stopped as soon as he wasn't being assaulted. Fives only threw a punch out of anger instead of out of defense because Jesse hadn't kept his own mouth shut.
Tup gave him a small smile. "Really?"
"Oh yeah." Jesse said. It took guts for someone to throw themself in the middle of a fight. "And I think the guard are treating him well. Commander Fox sure seemed protective of him, and I think I heard someone call him vod'ika."
Tup was still smiling, but it was bittersweet. "Good. That's good." Tup's smile was shaky, and while he wasn't forcing it, it was clear that he was hurting a lot. "I just want him to be happy. Me and Hardcase were thinking of going to the barracks to see him."
"You can go tonight." Jesse said. "I-I don't think Tup is working." He'd completely frozen up after recognizing Jesse, and he didn't think anybody in that state was fit to work. Surely the guard recognized that.
Tup shook his head. "I-I don't think I should. I'm so worked up right now, and I wouldn't be able to stop crying. Dogma hates it when I cry. He doesn't know what to do about it, and he just feels guilty about it. And when Hardcase finds out about Fives he's going to be mad, and Dogma won't know that he's not mad at him."
Tup sounded devastated that he couldn't see his vod, but Jesse thought he was right. Dogma hadn't really been in a great place last time he saw him, and when Dogma got worked up it was so easy for those feelings to get worse. They didn't want to overwhelm him and make him shut down completely.
Jesse had heard Tup and Dogma talking about it once. He didn't know what they meant, and as he'd overheard it by accident it hadn't felt right to clarify. But it had sounded serious. It was something that had happened to Dogma multiple times on Kamino, and they made it sound like it wasn't a matter of if, but rather when it would happen again.
Whatever this shutting down entailed, it happened when Dogma was too overwhelmed and upset. It had seemed like he was getting to that point, and Jesse didn't think it would be fair if they pushed him more.
"We'll give Dogma some time to calm down." Jesse said. "And then I think maybe it would be good to contact him."
Tup nodded, wiping his eyes again. "I've thought about it, but I always talked myself out of it, or over-thought it. I'll talk to him though, as soon as I don't think I'll start crying as soon as I hear his voice." Jesse knew Tup. After everything that had happened it would probably take at least a few days for Tup to reach that point. Hopefully it would be enough time for Dogma to get over whatever issues seeing Jesse and Fives had caused.
Jesse wished he knew how to make things right. Dogma had been so stiff when he recognized him. He had clearly been scared. Brothers should never have reason to be afraid of each other, and Jesse hated that he didn't know how to fix it.