Everything hurt. His chest burned in several different ways, all of them fighting for dominance. His ribs stung and his bones felt like they were itchy and sensitive. Maybe it didn't make any sense for bones to feel like anything, but he didn't know how else to describe it. His lungs were burning, aching for air that his body seemed to have forgotten how to give it. He couldn't breathe.
His chest also literally burned. A sharp pain that seemed to dance around his skin, somehow like a tickling sensation, except a thousand times worse and feeling overwhelmingly torturous. He couldn't see his skin, but he could feel the burning redness that branched out across his skin. He knew from experience that the physical marks would go away in the next few days, but he would be feeling echoes of the aches and tickling sensations under his skin for weeks afterward, at the very least.
All of the physical pain was agonizing and felt like more than he could handle, but he knew he could. He had before. Many times. And he would endure it many more times, because he would never stop messing things up, despite how many times he was disciplined and punished for his mistakes. He never learned. He was incapable of learning, and he didn't really know why the Chancellor was wasting his time on him.
But the worst part of all was the darkness that rested in his chest. It made him feel like his heart was being devoured by the shadows that lived inside of him. The darkness was too strong. It was as though his soul had been stripped of every positive emotion he had ever felt in his life. Any happiness he'd had had just been him deluding himself. Any comfort he'd received or love he had felt had all been a lie. Nobody really cared about him, because he wasn't somebody worth caring about, and he never would be, no matter how hard he tried.
"-nder. Commander!" A familiar voice called out to him. It sounded muffled, like he was hearing it from a distance while he was underwater and had thick pillows pressed against his ear. He heard it, but trying to focus on it was too hard. He hated himself that while he knew the voice belonged to a brother, he couldn't tell who.
What kind of a brother was he? He couldn't differentiate one clone from another just by voice alone. He should, and normally he could, but right now it was impossible for him. That was how much of a failure he was. Even something as simple as listening was too much.
"Get him out of my sight." He recognized the Chancellor's voice. Of course he did. No matter how pathetic he was, he wouldn't be so far gone that he wouldn't recognize the Chancellor when he heard him. His whole purpose was to hear the Chancellor and obey him. He wasn't very good at obeying, which was why he was in this position in the first place, but he was a great listener.
He felt a feather-light touch on his arm that seemed to light his nerves on fire. He couldn't hold back his quiet moan of pain.
"I know." The brother's voice said in his ear. "I'm sorry. Just hold on. We'll get you home." He felt two sets of hands grab his arms and lift him to his feet. He finally got a breath in, only because the pain was so overwhelming that he couldn't help but gasp in pain.
He was half carried and half dragged out of the room. Out of the Chancellor's office. He wanted to get his feet under him and at least walk, even if it would be with assistance, but he couldn't even do that. Just trying to move his legs made them spasm painfully. He had no choice but to let himself be carried in a painful and humiliating way.
"Come on, Fox." One of his brothers said. He…Fox. He was Fox. It was so easy to forget sometimes, because he couldn't be Fox with the Chancellor. He was just a clone for him. A loyal Commander who was replaceable if he kept failing his most basic duties.
But he wasn't before the Chancellor anymore. He was with his brothers. And with his brothers he didn't necessarily have to be the Commander. He just needed to be Fox.
"...Ow." Fox said. The first word he'd said in hours. He felt like something in his brain shifted as he could turn away from the part of himself that he needed to be when the Chancellor disciplined him. "It hasn't been that bad in a while." His voice was weak, and every word hurt, but he couldn't just not talk. Staying silent would mean letting the Chancellor take his voice and liberty from him more than he already had.
Fox knew his freedom was just an illusion, but it was one he clung to with a fierce desperation because it was all he had.
Fox lifted his head as much as he could so he could look at the brothers supporting him. He hadn't recognized their voices, but he knew their helmets as well as he knew his own. Thorn and Stone. They had come to retrieve him from the Chancellor's office, just like they always did.
"What did you do to anger him this time?" Thorn asked.
"I let his meeting get interrupted." Fox said, his voice slurring. "I didn't try to. I told Jesse he had to wait, but I underestimated…" Fox' eyes widened. "Dogma!" He jolted, trying to get his feet under him. Thorn held him back while Stone steadied him when he faltered.
"Take it easy, Fox." Stone said. Fox barely heard him.
"Where's Dogma?!" Fox felt his panic rise. He wasn't normally so unprofessional and weak, but he always had a hard time focusing on his job after a disciplinary session with the Chancellor. And in general it was getting increasingly harder for him to be professional when it came to Dogma.
He didn't know where the kid was, but he knew who he was with and that didn't make him feel better. Dogma was probably with Jesse, who Fox still didn't trust with him. Worse than that, he was with General Skywalker. Fox didn't know the General well, but he knew that he was the Chancellor's favorite Jedi and puppet. They had frequent meetings and discussions. Fox didn't know what the Chancellor was teaching the General, but he didn't think it was anything good.
Fox didn't want any of his men to be exposed to the Chancellor's influence, but especially not Dogma.
"Where is he?!" Fox' voice trembled and his breathing grew harsh, which just made his chest hurt more. He groaned and slumped in their hold.
"Calm down." Thorn said. "We'll find him. Just let us get you out of sight before someone sees us."
Fox wished that he didn't have to care about being seen. He knew that they would all be in big trouble if a senator or citizen saw them. It was late, so there weren't a lot of people around, but there was always the possibility that there was a night owl lingering around.
He couldn't let himself be seen. Fox knew that he wasn't in his armor. He was never allowed his armor when he was disciplined by the Chancellor, both because the painful lessons wouldn't take as easily if he had protection from them, and because the Chancellor knew that clones didn't really feel like themselves if they weren't in their armor.
Fox might as well be naked right now, though he didn't know just how much that was actually the case. Sometimes he was allowed to keep his blacks on. Sometimes he was just in his undergarments. Sometimes he was in nothing at all. It was hard to remember what the Chancellor had requested of him this time.
Fortunately they were able to get to one of their safe closets without running into issues. There were two guards already inside. One of them looked like he was barely recovering from a breakdown. He would have probably wanted to take another few minutes to gather himself before getting back to his patrols. When they saw the Commanders standing there before them though both guards stood.
"Commanders." The stressed clone rubbed at his cheek, brushing away any stray wetness. "Did you need the closet?"
"If we can." Thorn said. Fox wanted to say that he was fine. He didn't need to hide away. He didn't want to take a safe space from one of his men. They deserved it more than he did.
"Of course, Sirs." The other clone said before Fox could say a word. The two guards put their helmets on again and slipped past them, going back out on their patrols. Thorn settled Fox on the ground while Stone closed the door and kept an eye out for trouble.
Now that they were out of sight and away from the public eye Fox focused on what he had wanted to come here for. He reached over and took Thorn's communicator, not even bothering to ask if he could borrow it. He put in Dogma's frequency and waited tensely for it to go through.
It was only about fifteen seconds before his call was answered, but it felt like a lifetime to Fox. He breathed a sigh of relief when the call went through, but his breath hitched again when he heard a voice that didn't belong to Dogma.
"Lieutenant Jesse speaking." Was the answer he got.
Fox growled. He didn't want to talk to this guy. "Lieutenant, this is Commander Fox. Where is Dogma?"
"Calm down, he's with me." Jesse said, as though that should be reassuring. "He's sleeping. It's been a long day and it took him forever to relax, and I didn't want to wake him."
Fox relaxed ever so slightly. That was one of the few excuses he would accept as to why Dogma didn't answer him. The kid really didn't sleep nearly enough.
"Is he okay?" Fox asked. He swore that if General Skywalker had done anything to him he would shoot him right in the back, regardless of whether he was the Chancellor's favorite or not.
"He's…fine." Jesse said. He gave a small humorless laugh. "Honestly, he's handling this whole thing way better than I would have if our positions were reversed."
Fox' relief fell away so quickly that he felt a little cold at the loss. "What happened?"
"It's…complicated." Jesse said. "I'm with Dogma at the Jedi Temple. General Skywalker went to deal with an issue with the 501st, but he wants Dogma to wait at the temple until he gets back."
Thorn and Stone looked as suspicious as Fox felt. "Why?"
"I think this'll be better to talk about in person." Jesse said. "Dogma'll be happy to have you here."
Fox normally wouldn't ever consider doing such a thing, least of all because he was too busy to go to the Jedi Temple just to sit and wait with one of his men. But he couldn't use that as an excuse this time. Fox always had no choice but to take a few days off after he was disciplined by the Chancellor. His body was too weak for him to move too much, and his mind and soul were too fragile. It took him days to even be functional enough to just do paperwork.
Fox normally spent this time in the medbay or in his office. But if Dogma wanted him there, and if the Generals would tolerate his presence, then that was where Fox wanted to be.
"I'll be there as soon as I can." Fox said. He ended the communication, because he really had no further interest in talking to Jesse. Dogma was okay, and that was all Fox needed to know for now. He looked at Thorn and Stone. "Can you help me get to the Jedi Temple?"
"Of course." Stone said. Thorn didn't agree as quickly.
"The Chancellor won't like it very much." Thorn said. "You know he doesn't like the guard interacting with the Jedi unless we have no other choice."
"I know." Fox said. He didn't like to do things against the Chancellor's will, but even when he wasn't trying to disobey him he still ended up letting the man down. If he was just going to disappoint him anyway, why not do something that he wanted to do for once?
The Chancellor would find out eventually, because he always did, and Fox would be punished for it severely, but right now he didn't care. He just wanted to see for himself that Dogma was okay.
"I'll be careful." Fox said, though they all knew that wasn't completely true. He could try to be careful, but that wouldn't matter much when he was dealing with the Jedi.
Thorn gave him a sad but understanding look. "Okay." He trusted Fox to make his own decisions, and he would be right there to help him deal with the consequences.
Fox wanted to go right away, but he needed a few minutes to catch his breath. His adrenalin was going away, leaving him feeling completely drained. He rested, but did his best not to doze off. He didn't want to sleep yet. Not until he was away from the dangers of the senate building. He didn't know if he'd feel comfortable enough to sleep at the Jedi Temple. He would have to wait and see.
Eventually Thorn and Stone deemed him well enough to make the journey. They supported him between them again. Fox' legs still wouldn't cooperate with him, but he had some strength in his arms and he was able to use them to take just a little weight off of his brothers' shoulders.
It probably took them more than an hour to get to the temple, but he couldn't focus during any of it. Fox' mind strayed, though it didn't really go anywhere. He didn't have any truly focused thoughts. It was just general anxiety, shame, and that darkness that was still clinging to him. If he didn't have to think about anything in particular, that was where his thoughts would be returning to until he was fit enough to get back to work.
Fox forced himself to focus when they started walking up the steps of the temple. They were about to be surrounded by the Jedi. He couldn't afford to be anything less than focused. He just hoped they didn't mind that he was out of uniform. The Chancellor would keep his armor until Fox was fit enough to personally go to him and prove that he deserved it. And he couldn't wear someone else's armor. He'd tried that once, and the Chancellor had made it clear that he was to never do it again. Until he could get his own armor back he would remain in just his blacks.
That is, if he was even wearing that much.
They entered the front hall of the temple. It was still really late, so there weren't too many Jedi around. Fox was surprised to see that two of the people in the main hall were Jesse and Dogma. They were sitting on the ground, with Dogma curled up against Jesse, using him as a pillow. Jesse was looking around, glaring at everybody else in the front hall, but his expression brightened when he saw the three commanders making their way towards them.
"You made it." Jesse said. His smile fell away to a look of shock as he looked at Fox. "What happened to you?"
"Don't worry about it." Fox said. He didn't think anybody in the GAR would ever believe that the grandfatherly Chancellor of the Republic would ever be capable of doing this kind of thing. He didn't want to waste his time trying to convince someone of Jesse like this. Not when it didn't really matter.
Jesse looked like he wanted to put up a fight, but he didn't. He just sighed and gestured to Dogma's other side. "Well, take a seat. There's plenty of floor to go around."
"Why are you out here?" Thorn asked. "Do the Jedi not have beds they can spare?"
"Oh, they do." Jesse said. "But Dogma didn't feel comfortable going any deeper into the temple. He said he wasn't worthy. I would have fought him about it, but he was getting himself really worked up, and I didn't want to make him worse. So we went as far as he felt comfortable going, and I've been chasing off any Jedi that tries to suggest we go somewhere else."
Fox didn't know whether to be amused or horrified by Jesse's brash nature. He supposed he was grateful, because Jesse was using that brashness to defend and protect Dogma. Fox had to be glad for that.
Fox was set down next to Dogma. The ground was harsh and hard, but he'd had worse. He grabbed Dogma's arms and gently pulled him his way so he would use Fox as a pillow instead. Jesse stood up and stretched, rolling his shoulders. He'd probably been sitting uncomfortably for a while, and he would want to stretch those stiff muscles.
Jesse glanced at Fox, eyeing him carefully. Fox realized that even if he was wearing his shirt it would have been burned away by the lightning. The scars on his chest were probably clear to see, and they had a very specific look to them.
Fox met Jesse's gaze. "What?"
Jesse's mouth thinned. "You were fine when I saw you before. You're not fine now."
"The scars will fade in a few days." Fox said. They weren't as bad as they looked.
"That's not the point." Jesse said. There was anger in his eyes. "We got you in trouble with the Chancellor. I thought you were going to be lectured and scolded, not tortured."
"It's not torture." Fox said, though that was certainly what it felt like. "It's discipline, because how else am I supposed to learn my lessons?" He wouldn't tell anybody in the GAR what he went through, because he didn't want to be called a liar. But Jesse had figured it out. What was the point in lying to him?
Jesse glared at him. "What lesson was this supposed to teach you?"
"To not disappoint the Chancellor." Fox said plainly. What else was he supposed to learn?
"So he sicced his red guards on you just because we needed to speak to the General?" Jesse had a protective fury in his eyes. Fox was just confused. He wasn't used to having that kind of anger on his behalf. Especially not from a brother who was practically a stranger to him.
Fox looked down at his chest, finally taking in the sight. He didn't like seeing the scars that he knew were there, so he had pointedly avoided looking at them. He was, in fact, not wearing a shirt, making the bruising and distinct lightning scars perfectly visible to everybody who looked his way.
The red guards hadn't been responsible for this, but Fox could understand the assumption. The red guards wielded electric force pikes, and they did the Chancellor's bidding. There had certainly been a handful of times when the Chancellor couldn't be bothered to discipline him himself, so he had left it to his personal bodyguards.
Jesse looked at Dogma, the anger fading from his eyes, leaving him looking confused and heartbroken. He looked back at Fox, and the pained look didn't go away. "General Skywalker figured out something about Dogma. Something really concerning. He looked into Dogma's mind and-"
"He did what?" Fox growled. The darkness in his chest was temporarily replaced by a burning anger. He wanted to destroy that Jedi, but he wasn't here. Jesse was though. "How could you let your General hurt him like that?!"
"Hurt him?" Jesse frowned. "I didn't. It was painless. Dogma didn't even relive the memories that the General looked into."
Fox was still angry, but he was also confused. "What do you mean it was painless? Having somebody look into your mind is…agonizing. It's like your brain being pulled apart little by little until there's nothing remaining." Stone and Thorn nodded. They hadn't experienced it as much as Fox had, but they'd still been subjected to it. All of the Commanders in the guard had.
Now Jesse looked confused, but horror was starting to build in his eyes. "No. It shouldn't hurt. The General looked into my mind too. It felt weird, but not painful. You…someone hurt you. Who did it?"
"Wondering the same thing, we are." An odd voice said. It shouldn't have sounded intimidating, but it definitely did. Fox sat up and looked towards the small group of Jedi Masters that were approaching them. Fox had never really interacted with these people personally, but he would recognize the handful of members on the Jedi Council. Especially Master Yoda.
"Generals." Fox nodded at them. Thorn and Stone stood at attention. Fox would have done the same except he had Dogma still leaning against him, and he didn't think he could get his legs under him if he tried.
"Commander." Master Mace Windu gave him a look that was impossible to interpret. "I think there are a few things we need to discuss."
Fox' chest tightened. He knew that the Chancellor wouldn't have approved of him coming here, but he hadn't thought that he would have to face the Jedi so directly so soon. He didn't know what they wanted from him, but he knew that whatever it was he wouldn't be able to lie to them. For one, they were his Generals, even if he didn't necessarily serve under them directly. He still needed to follow their orders.
And they were Jedi. They had the Force. Fox knew they'd probably be able to tell that he was lying, and that they could just rip the truth right out of his head, and he doubted they would be as gentle as Jesse claimed they could be.
Fox tightened his grip on Dogma, who fortunately remained asleep. Maybe coming here was a mistake.