Hi people, enjoy the new chapter... any guesses what's happening next? :D
Olivia woke up to two small hands on her face. She opened her eyes and came face to face with two huge pools of blue staring back at her for a reaction. She almost jumped away but quickly realised Lexi was staring at her.
"Lex…" she murmured sleepily, "you frightened Mommy," she sighed, still tired. She reached out for her and cuddled her close. Lexi giggled as Olivia kissed her warm forehead and glanced at Trevor over the top of her. He looked sleepy too. "Morning…"
"Morning baby, sorry for letting her wake you up, she just really wouldn't settle without seeing her Mommy."
"Its okay, she's warm and cuddly," Liv mumbled. Lexi squirmed around a little.
"Honey, you have to keep still and cuddle with Mommy or we're going to go outside and leave Mommy to rest, I already told you that."
Lexi frowned at Trevor and rolled back over to Olivia, throwing an arm around her dramatically. "Aww, Mommy is so sleepy," she told her toddler, "close your eyes with Mommy and we can rest…" she caressed her curls gently.
Olivia moved closer to Trevor in to the middle of the bed, lifting Lexi to the other side of her. She wanted Trevor to cuddle her. "Text Noah, I want a family cuddle," Liv told Trevor.
Trevor laughed, his voice deepened in the early morning. Nevertheless he did as he was told and a few moments later Noah appeared in the doorway holding a pillow, looking sleepy - his curls crazy from the beach water the day before. "Whatttttttttt…" he sighed, looking at how comfortable everyone was.
"Mom wants a family cuddle," Trevor informed him. Noah sighed and waited for some room to be made for him. Olivia inched closer to Trevor and gave Noah the space to lay his pillow down and get comfortable.
"Did you guys sleep with the air on?" He huffed, "it's freezing in here…" he pulled the covers over his shoulder and felt his Mom's arms around him, pulling him close.
"Stop complaining and love us," she demanded.
She felt his body move with laughed as Lexi wriggled around between them. "I don't think she's going back to sleep, nice try, guys," Noah told them.
"If Lexi doesn't want to lay quiet with Mommy and Daddy and her brother, Daddy will take her back out to the kitchen."
"No," he heard her talk back a little sullenly. Trevor smiled to himself.
"Cuddles, my love," Olivia spoke to Lexi who rolled in to her, wrapping her arms around her. "Close your eyes," she told her softly, stroking her hair again. She was relieved when she felt Lexi begin to relax in her arms.
Sometimes she was able to coax her daughter back to sleep but other times Lexi had other ideas. Thankfully she heard her take a deep breath before sighing. She knew everyone just kept still for a few moments, Lexi would go back to sleep. She hoped, anyway.
/
Olivia woke up at around 10am to a knock on her bedroom door. She glanced up and smiled and waved to see Tara. "Trevor said I had to come wake you up because he didn't want you to miss out on breakfast."
Olivia smiled, "Mmmmm where are the kids?"
"They're all outside with Grandma and Grandpa at the pool. Its hideously hot out there."
She patted the spot next to her. "Come in, come in… Trevor can just leave me alone. I'm not going to starve."
Tara laughed and made her way over to the bed and took a seat. "Get comfy, I value girl time."
Tara did as she was told and laughed at her sleepy friend. "You don't want to get up?"
"Not yet… I'm tired and I'm on holidays and so are you," she replied. "Shit, I just wish this baby would hurry up and bake, I'm so sore, Tara… I feel huge and everything is so uncomfortable at this size."
"Well, I'm here to tell you you aren't huge and I'm really sorry that you're uncomfortable. Is there anything we can do to make that a bit easier?"
"Nah, yesterday Trevor stood behind me and lifted my belly up and took the weight and for just a few moments I felt normal again, the weight was gone… but then ugh… he's just really heavy."
"I'm sorry. Do you need a massage or something?"
"No, I'll be okay. If it's really that hot out there maybe I'll get Trev and Patty to pull the shade over and I'll spend some time in the water, that seems to help a little."
Olivia yawned and pulled herself up a little so that she was sitting against the bed head. "What have you been up to this morning?"
"Oh jeez, Kaci had me up at 5:30. She's teaching me to run… I'm slowly getting there and I can tell why she enjoys it but that kid runs circles around me and I can't still her. If she's not running shes backflipping and hand-standing, she's fucking exhausting," she laughed in spite of herself.
Olivia laughed, "That's so sweet. Sorry but I think Noah got her in to running."
"Yeah, I think its good for her gymnastics though, the more speed the better height she can get or something, I don't know…" she sighed, "but I feel like I'll need a snooze later, she went back to bed about an hour or so ago."
"Trev promised that when I give birth he'll take me to kick-boxing with him to destress and also just to have a physical outlet."
"It sounds like Trevor cant wait to see his woman in some tight clothes," she teased.
"His woman can't wait to see him boxing and kicking up a storm, if I'm honest," she laughed.
Trevor appeared in the doorway and laughed at the sight of the two women in bed, side-by-side. "Tara, you dropped the ball, I said to get her out of bed, not to join her."
"Sorry," Tara laughed sheepishly.
"No, it's fine." He came in and kissed Olivia softly. "Want some breakfast? I have some turkey bacon and some scrambled eggs that I put aside for you."
"Mmmm," Olivia thought, "maybe not right now, it might be a bit rich to have as soon as I wake up, but… could I have some tea?"
"Of course, what about you, Tara would you like some tea as well?"
She thought for a second, "thanks Trev, that actually might be nice."
"As you were, mi'ladies," he joked and left them to it.
"I love that man," Liv sighed.
Tara smiled at her. "I hope I have like… one great love like that one day."
"There's always time, you never know who you might come across… at least you're getting out and about, Han told me about you guys going out for drinks last weekend, it's nice to get that confidence again, I'll bet."
"Yeah, Hannah is wild though, she will talk to anyone. I feel like… imposter syndrome," she groaned, "its dumb but I feel it in every avenue of life, like I keep looking back expecting Clive to be there."
"I think that'll linger," Liv replied, "for awhile at least until you get comfortable again, but it'll pass, I promise."
"I think I need to take up a hobby or something…Kaci has her world all organised and condensed in to the things that she loves and I was thinking I need something just for me… the therapist suggested it and I batted it away, but the more I think about it, the more I think that there was some merit to the suggestion."
"I think that's actually a great idea, we all need our things," she agreed. "I actually need something too. I know once the baby arrives and I'm home full time, I'm going to just need some time away from the house and I know Trevor will do what he can, but it's gonna be a zoo."
"Well, I would always be so happy to come and take Lexi for a few hours after work any time you want and I bet Kaci would love that too."
Olivia smiled, "Don't say that too confidently, I might take you up on it."
Trevor appeared with Kaci behind him. They held a cup of tea each. She looked sweet and bleary-eyed. "I have a visitor who just woke up too."
"Aww sweetheart," Liv pouted when she saw Kaci's heavy-eyelids and sulky expression. She reminded her every bit of a little girl. She passed her Mom the tea and Trevor passed Olivia to her. "Mmmm," she murmured sullenly, almost grunting at her Mom.
Trevor hid a smile, "Noah and I are going for a walk, we're taking Lexi and Levi and Raia, Gav and the girls will be here after lunch. If you want or need anything," he turned to Tara and Kaci, "you guys too, just text me."
"Okay, thank you," Olivia replied. Trevor placed a hand over the top of Olivia's baby belly and leaned over and kissed her lips. "Don't you guys let her fall asleep again."
"Pfft…" Olivia rolled her eyes. She turned to Kaci, "wanna come get comfortable and give Mom and I cuddles?"
Tara laughed as Kaci nodded and climbed up the bed between them. "This pregnancy thing is so nice, I get to spend more time in bed than ever in my life and I'm even more demanding of snuggles than I've ever been."
"You're so lucky, Kace, you get your Mommy demanding cuddles and now Olivia too, Mom part two."
Kaci managed a nod. Without a word, she inched closer to her Mom, wrapping an arm around her. "Honey, are you okay?" Tara asked, realising something was wrong. She exchanged a glance with Olivia who suddenly looked concerned when they both heard Kaci begin to sob.
"Oh honey," she murmured, rubbing her daughter's back, "what's wrong? What happened?"
"Nothing," she replied between sobs, "nothing happened," she coughed, feeling embarrassed.
"Something made you upset, baby…" Tara replied. "Did you have a fight with Noah?"
She shook her head. Olivia sat up straighter and put her mug up. She edged closer to Kaci and stroked her hair. "Honey, come on," she murmured, "try to take some deep breaths and talk to us…" she was a little firmer than Tara but also had more experience in getting someone to talk.
A few moments later, her sobs subsided and she pulled away from her Mom and wiped her eyes. "Its okay if you're just feeling a bit sad," Liv told her, "sometimes our hormones can do that to us… but if there's something else…"
"Remember baby, we talked about being honest with each other, talking about things when we are upset," Tara reminded her.
She pulled away and wiped her eyes. "I don't want to talk about it…"
"Do you want me to leave you and your Mom to talk in private?" Liv asked.
Kaci shook her head. "I'm fine, I just had a stupid dream," she sniffed.
"About Dad?" Tara pushed.
She nodded slow. "Yeah, about Dad…" she broke down again and started to cry. Covering her face with her hands.
"Its alright baby," Olivia murmured. "You can tell us. Did you know, there's great value in sharing your story, having the courage to share what you're feeling, sweetie, it can be empowering."
"Daddy taught us that sharing our feelings was weak," Tara said out loud, allowing Olivia to understand why her daughter kept her feelings so locked up. "But he was wrong, sharing your feelings doesn't make you weak, my love."
Once again Kaci calmed herself down, catching her breath from her sobs. "I dreamed that he you again and I couldn't stop it and you were begging for help," she explained, her voice shuddering with stifled sobs. "And there was so much blood."
"It was just a dream, babe, I'm fine and Dad can never hurt us again. No one will let him near us, not Liv or Amanda or Sonny or anyone, I promise."
"I know, I just can't stop the stupid dreams."
"Do you know what my shrink told me?" Olivia asked softly stroking her hair, "my shrink told me that bad dreams are good because it's a sign that our minds are subconsciously trying to make sense of the real things that happened and that then our hearts can begin to heal."
"Do you have bad dreams?" Kaci asked her.
"I do," Olivia smiled at her weakly. "I don't tell many people this, but I have a lot of nightmares about things that have happened to me in my past, honey and every time I wake up from a bad dream I give Trevor or Noah or Lexi a big cuddle and I remind myself that it's not real and that my heart is just trying it's best to make sense of it and to heal."
"What are your dreams about?" She paused, "no its okay it's too personal."
"My dreams are about a lot of different things…" Olivia replied, not wanting to get in to specifics; the kind of nightmares she still had never even dared to talk to Trevor about.
"I'm sorry," Kaci murmured.
"Oh, no, baby, you don't need to be sorry. Your Mom, you even me, we're fighters and we're survivors and we'll get through these difficult points in life and we come out the other side of it even stronger than before, but we have to learn to be vulnerable too," Liv explained, "that means not locking it up inside where it starts eating us up inside. You can always talk to Mom even if you think it might hurt."
"Or, you could talk to Liv or to Trevor or even to Noah, babe, I bet you could even talk to Georgie too if you felt comfortable… just as long as you're not holding it inside."
"Okay," Kaci replied, wiping her eyes.
"I love you, honey, I'm okay. We are going to be okay."
"I love you too," Kaci replied. Tara gave her a hug. She leaned over and grabbed her tea and handed it to her daughter. "Here, this is peppermint, it's nice and calming, why don't you have a few little sips…"
"Thanks Mom," Kaci replied, taking the mug with shaky hands.
"You know what?" Liv began, "Maybe before all the stinkpants boys get back and everyone arrives and fills up the house, maybe us girls should go for a little walk and a swim in the ocean."
"I'm too scared to swim in the ocean," Kaci murmured.
"Mom and I will hold your hand…" Olivia suggested, "right Mom?"
"Only if it isn't freezing, Mom is a baby," Tara laughed. She kissed her daughter's temple. "I'm just kidding, maybe a morning dip in the ocean will be nice and refreshing and will help clear all of our minds."
"Okay," Kaci agreed.
"Okay great, just relax for the minute and enjoy drinking Mom's tea though," Liv chuckled.
/
"Oh the water is actually really warm!" Kaci exclaimed, letting the water cover her feet. She looked at her Mom who jumped back as soon as she made contact with it.
She laughed, "C'mon Mom, you promised."
"It's not cold," she said outloud with a laugh, glancing at Olivia and back to her daughter. "It's not cold, it's not cold, it's not cold."
"You don't have to go in if you don't want Mom, it's okay. I won't go in either," she added. Olivia realised that Kaci was just scared and Tara feeling the cold of the water was her easy way out. She grabbed for the teen's hand. "Mom doesn't have to go in, but I'm still looking forward to swimming. And don't worry, I've got you. I'm a really good swimmer and I won't take us too far in."
"I don't know…" Kaci clamoured for a moment. Tara felt relieved that she didn't have to get in, that Olivia was taking one for the team. "What if there's a rip or something?"
"So there's things you can look for," Olivia explained. "You look out to the ocean and if you see a bit of water where it's flat and very few waves, that could be a rip — or if you see the water looking really sandy, sandier than the other areas, that could also be a rip, or you look for lots of seaweed or debris or something… and also, you make sure you swim where other people are," she turned around and nodded toward the life guards. "You just have to be aware and follow whatever signs are up and don't go further than your skills allow."
"Okay, and you know what you're doing, right?"
"Right," Olivia smiled.
"Promise?" Kaci asked solemnly.
"I promise that I would never take you in to the ocean if I didn't think you could handle it or I would be able to keep you safe. I wouldn't forgive myself and nor would Mama." Kaci glanced at her Mom who had put a towel down and already taken a seat in the sand.
"Honey, I trust Olivia, it's gonna be okay and I'm here too."
"Okay," Kaci breathed.
"Come on," Liv tightened her grip on her hand as they slowly walked in to the water, pausing each time the waves crashed against their legs.
"Maybe you shouldn't get your dress wet…" Kaci remarked, referring to a loose flowing dress that Olivia wore over her swimsuit.
"It's fine," She replied as she pulled her another few steps forward. "How is it? Doesn't that cold water feel so nice and refreshing?"
Kaci smiled and nodded. She grabbed for Olivia's hand with her other one, holding on tightly. "It feels so weird beneath my feet each time a wave hits," she laughed, feeling as though she was moving when the surf evened out.
Olivia grinned at her discovering the beach for the first time at fourteen. "Come on, I think we'll go in to my waist and then we'll dip ourselves under the water really fast and jump back up."
Tara sat back and took some photos, documenting her daughter's first swim — the guilt of depriving her of the gift of the ocean started weighing upon her as she watched Kaci run back to the shore in fear and Olivia having to coax her over and over again.
Eventually they went a little farther in, to Olivia's waist. She held Kaci's hands in hers and together they counted to three and dunked themselves beneath the cold surface of the water, letting a wave crash over them. Kaci jumped out of the surf letting out a shriek of joy, proud of herself.
Tara watched Olivia give her a hug and praise her bravery. She knew that other people may have felt a little jealous of how close her daughter was getting to Liv, but she didn't mind. Olivia was enigmatic; a good friend, a loving Mom and someone who had no end to the amount of warmth and compassion she showed others. She could never have been jealous of that. And also, selfishly, things were hard- it felt hard to try to manage her own trauma and also her daughters. Sometimes she was at a loss as to how to help Kaci because she wasn't yet sure she was managing her own trauma in a healthy and safe way.
She didn't mind that Olivia loved her daughter back just as much. She was happy that Kaci now had a lot of people in her life that loved and cared about her. And she couldn't have asked for a sweeter first boyfriend for her than Noah. Despite Noah's own personal confusion and non-linear version of sexuality, she could see just how much he loved her; even at their young age their love seemed simple, sweet and very genuine and that's all she wanted for her.
She smiled and took some videos of Olivia showing her how to jump waves until she gained a little confidence and it became fun.
She eventually got up and joined them, walking right in to the surf and ducking under the waves over and over until she was chest deep and looking back at the two who stared at her.
"You're crazy, Mom!" Kaci called out, "be careful!"
Tara grinned and couldn't help but notice how freeing it was, despite how cold the water felt at first, there was something so refreshing and invigorating about being on a beautiful beach with beautiful people on such a beautiful cloudless day with the sun shining if not a little too brightly.
She made her way over to them, ducking waves as she went. "You look really comfortable in the water," Olivia remarked.
"I am," she smiled.
"I love the ocean, Trevor knows that it's my absolute favourite place to go…. I find it so healing."
Tara looked ahead, nothing but water in the horizon. "It's kind of… overwhelmingly big isn't it? And it can chew you up and spit you out if you're not careful."
"Exactly… it's just really relaxing and gives you perspective."
"And also, you get to wear a cute bathing suit….Or at least everyone else but me does."
"Oh for goodness sakes," Tara laughed. "Do you think that Kaci's bathing suit is perfectly age appropriate?"
Olivia lifted her hands up, "Oh no, don't you drag me in to this. You're both on your own."
"You promised a new bathing suit when we got here, Mom… I feel like I'm wearing gymnastics stuff."
"Okay, fine," Tara relented, "I will take you to get a new bathing suit later, I promise."
"Yesssss," Kaci hissed. "Thanks Mom, I love you."
"Mmhmmm," Tara smiled at her.
Shivering Kaci looked back to Liv, "can we go back now? I want to jump in to the pool, the water is warmer, we could come back later maybe."
"Definitely," Olivia agreed.
/
"Can we borrow Lexi's little wagon and you can pull me along rather than forcing me on another walk?" Olivia asked Trevor with a laugh.
He laughed too. "We don't have to walk. We could go for a drive, I just thought it might be nice to spend some time together one-on-one that isn't in a bed…"
She smiled at him, "No, its okay let's go for a walk."
Hand-in-hand Olivia adjusted her sunglasses upon the bridge of her nose and glanced up at Trevor with a smile. "You look really handsome…" she remarked.
He was wearing a pair of black board shorts and a tank top with some flip-flops. He chuckled at her out-of-the-blue compliment. "Aww, thank you, that's so sweet. You know, you look beautiful… so… there's that," he nudged her slightly.
"You don't have to say that," she replied, "I feel huge right now."
"Nah, you aren't… you actually look gorgeous in that ethereal white dress…" it was just a simple dress that was made of soft, material that blew in the breeze feeling airy and light.
"Ethereal?" Olivia laughed, "I love you, you always make me feel better…"
"Wait, do you really think that you're not beautiful?," he asked, pausing, halting her. She looked up at him and gave him a funny look. "Seriously? Liv…" he took her cheeks in his hands, "you are so beautiful. You are carrying our baby and I know it's been a strain on your back and that you're exhausted but I can't tell you how your cheeks glow and you just look…" he paused and lifted her sunglasses so he could see her eyes, "you look beautiful Olivia and you've gotta know that and believe me."
She gave him a small smile. "Don't make me emotional," she said quickly.
"Sorry," he smiled back at her. He leaned in and kissed her lips. "I love you…"
"I love you too," she replied. He took her hand and started to walk with her again.
/
"Let's go in here and get some ice cream without having to share it with a toddler who wants to physically remove it from our mouths," Trevor suggested, pointing to the small Ice Cream stall by a few tables and chairs on the sand just a short distance away from the stall. There was only one other couple, the beach was mostly quiet.
"Please… that sounds nice," she agreed. Trevor knew Olivia could never turn down ice cream. She loved it. She certainly had a sweet tooth. He let go of her hand and put an arm around her and drew her closer as they got to the open ice cream stand window.
"What would you like?" Trevor asked. Olivia glanced at the menu for a moment before looking at the teen who was working behind the counter. "Hi," she smiled, "Could I get a waffle cone with one scoop of double choc chip and cookie dough?"
"Sure," the girl smiled. She turned to Trevor, "would you like something sir?"
"Yeah," he smiled, "I'll get a waffle cone too with two scoops of Caramel pecan, please."
He turned to Liv, "baby, why don't you grab a seat and have a rest and I'll take care of this and wait."
"Thanks," she replied, appreciating his absent-minded affection, his hand rubbing her back. Her legs were a little tired and her back was aching — not that that was unusual. She sat down in a white plastic chair that was shaded by a large umbrella and let out a sigh. She was happy just to watch the ocean before her, listening to the sound of the waves crashing on to the shore.
A few moments later Trevor joined her. He passed her a napkin and her ice cream. "Here you are."
"Thanks sweetheart," she replied, taking it. "I got us a freezing cold water," he informed her, placing the bottle of water down on the tabletop. "She said their drinks are in ice back there."
"Oh that's gonna be really nice to drink," she answered as she took a bite out of the top of her ice cream realising that she'd have to eat it fast so it wouldn't melt in the heat. She sighed happily. "How good is ice cream when it's hot?," she asked him.
"So good," he agreed. "Enjoy it…"
"How was your morning?"
"It was good," Trevor replied. Olivia couldn't help but to stare as she watched the way his tongue and lips wrapped themselves around the frozen treat. He paused, "Liv… stop it."
A blush rose to her cheeks. "Sorry, you're — never mind I'm thinking dirty thoughts."
"I know, I can see it on your face, you creep," he teased her.
They both laughed. "Oh, so I had an interesting conversation with Noah last night," he admitted.
"What was that? Jeez, should I be scared?," she wanted to know.
"Picture this, I'm about to take a mouthful of my beer — the bottle poised, I get a mouthful and just as I'm swallowing he says, Dad, what does sex feel like?"
Olivia almost choked exactly the way he had.
"And that…" Trevor pointed at her, "was the exact reaction I had."
"Oh my gosh," she remarked, covering her mouth with her hand. "What the hell did you say!?" She started to laugh, Trevor was thankful that she didn't freak out and that she saw the humour in it.
"I mean…" he shrugged, "I was shocked and he realised how shocked I was and quickly apologised and I think he became aware of how personal of a question it was." He smiled, taking his own sunglasses off, wanting to be able to share eye contact. "I was just honest, I tried my best to not get embarrassed and told him that it was kind of dependant upon the two people involved…"
"Yeah but that's kind of a non answer. Noah wanted to know the juicy stuff," she chuckled. She shook her head, "Wow, my kid has some serious guts to ask something like that, I think it's kind of beautiful in a way that he felt comfortable enough to ask you. I would never have asked my Mom something like that."
"Me either… when my Dad gave me the talk I was so humiliated I just wanted it to end. I've had three conversations about sex with Noah now. I'm starting to think he's definitely a hormone-filled teen boy."
Olivia laughed. "So that's all you told him?"
"No, I told him that sex can feel amazing or it can be fun and funny and awkward or intense and emotional or sometimes it can hurt if you're not on the same page and he told me that he only wants to be with someone who he feels like he loves and trusts. So we had a talk about vulnerability and how sex is a lot about an emotional connection and trusting someone enough to be vulnerable so he should take that seriously."
Olivia sighed with contentment. "You're not wrong, thank you for taking that approach. I don't think enough young boys or teens are given that talk. The mechanics of it are easy to explain, but it's the other stuff we have to drum in to them."
"I think it's especially important here given that we are so close with Tara and we both have a very good relationship with Kaci, but I know Noah's heart. He told me Kaci was sitting on his lap kissing him in the pool yesterday and he had to make her get off of him because he felt funny."
"Oh brother, it's happening Trev, he's not my baby anymore… it's so scary!"
"Its okay," Trevor replied. "He still loves his Mommy to bits," he winked, "he told me that you explained about your first time so I told him about how I didn't have sex until I was a bit older cos I had a girlfriend for two years who was insanely Catholic."
"Oh, you never told me about that- I wanna know!"
Beaming at the woman he couldn't wait to marry and start a family with, he began the story about Danica and her resistance to having sex. "After Dan and I broke up, I dated a girl called Sophie. I met her when I was getting dinner in the dining hall. She asked if she could sit with me because there were no other tables and she read her book while she ate and we got talking about books and then … three months later we had sex and it was more of her pushing than me, I was kind of scared because I knew she'd been with other guys before."
"Oh… poor thing, but was it okay?"
He smiled, his cheeks getting a little rosy. "A bit awkward at first to start but you know, biology takes over and three minutes later you're done," he joked.
Olivia laughed, "three minutes… I'm sure it was more than that."
"Maybe, I can't remember and you know the funniest thing, she tried to save my feelings so bad and told me I was the best she'd been with," he started to laugh in spite of himself. "She was sweet."
"Maybe the guys lasted for one minute… I'm sure it got better with practice though."
"Yeah it did, she was a nice girl and after I left pre-med and switched my major, she decided to take a post graduate degree and transferred to Berkeley and broke up with me which was on the cards for us both, I didn't want to do long distance and neither did she. We met up once just before I met Lana and we slept together," he admitted, "and it was not great, the vibe was off as the kids would say, but I really don't know what we expected."
"Oh, that's so funny, you know when Burton came back in to my life, I had a weak moment and slept with him too."
"What!" Trevor exclaimed, "after everything? After he groomed you?"
She stared at him for a moment before lowering her eyes, "I guess I didn't see myself as a victim yet. It wasn't til the others started coming forward and even then it took Nick to beat it in to me verbally that I was every bit as much of a victim as they were and I felt really sick with myself that I'd slept with him."
"I'm sorry…" Trevor apologised, reaching over to touch her hand. " that must have been a pretty shitty time."
"It was the last time I had sex before you came along." She didn't want to talk too much about it. "And hopefully there won't ever have to be any other people to have to worry about having to go through that process of … letting my guard down with. I don't want to have to do that again. I just want you now, for forever."
"Me too," he murmured. "At least we kind of took our time in terms of sleeping together…"
"Not for lack of wanting to though," Olivia let her smile linger for a second as she finished her ice cream, wiping her hands with the napkin and opening the bottle of water for a drink.
Trevor chuckled. "I know, that first time I came to your apartment and I kissed you, I remember thinking that was a fucking gamble and you were so shocked, I thought I blew it and then you grabbed me and kissed me right back. I could have literally dragged you in to your own apartment and straight to the bedroom, that's where my head was at, but I cared about you too much for you to possibly question my motives immediately after."
"And I would have… I would have thought that that's all I was to you."
"I know, and you weren't — obviously." He watched her pull the water bottle from her mouth - her lips were reddened by the cold of the ice cream and now the iced water. She put the lid back on as he finished his own ice cream.
"I know…" she shrugged, "but I was still pretty insecure about feelings at that stage. I didn't know what you were going to be ready for or not ready for and I desperately didn't want to push you but I also didn't want to be used…"
"I wasn't ready for just anyone, I was ready for you though. I sometimes feel like it's kismet that we ended up on this path together. I just love our life so much and I didn't think I could be here so soon and so happy. I hope that you feel like that too."
"I do… I know in hindsight I could have never adopted Lexi on my own. I think it was a really glib choice I was trying to make. I couldn't do it on my own. I was barely functioning with Noah alone. Everything you touch turns good, Trevor, my whole life feels inherently good now." She paused, "I know we have our things every day that can make a day hard or upset us or whatever — but overall everything feels calm and at peace and so full of love."
Trevor smiled faintly and scooted his chair closer to hers and leaned over, "come here…" he motioned with his head for her to lean in. "I love you. I am very happy. You make me happy and so do the kids…" Her eyes lingered on his lips for a moment before he kissed her, pressing his against the coldness of her own. He could taste the trace of chocolate ice cream. He reached up, letting his hand rest upon her neck as he met the tip of her tongue briefly. He pulled away and let his hand travel to her cheek. "You're the love of my life."
"You're the love of my life," she replied.
Trevor sat back in his chair. "What do you think about going back home and having a swim with me? Mom and Dad were gonna take the kids to the beach with Amanda and Tara for a swim and some horsing around… we could be alone for awhile and enjoy the pool without having to be asked to watch at least one kid jump awkwardly in to the water every five seconds."
Olivia laughed. She and Trevor had sat by the pool watching Billie and Jessie and Kaci & Noah the day before and they yelled at her over and over to watch one thing or another, each trick not varying any from the last. She didn't mind, but it was hard to hold an adult conversation with that going on.
"Yeah, that sounds fun. Are you sure the kids are going to be okay with your Mom and Dad? I constantly feel guilty about them just swooping in and taking Lexi."
"You know they love it and Mom commented on you being in this end of pregnancy phase and fatigue being the absolute worst part of it, so she's just trying to help you."
"I know and I appreciate it so much. Your parents are amazing."
They slowly got up and looked for a trash bin to dump their napkins. Trevor took her hand and headed to the surf so that they could walk in the wet sand thinking that it might have been less tiring for her. And besides, it was nice to have the wet sand against their feet.
/
"Mamamamamama!" Lexi exploded with happiness when she saw her Mommy coming toward her from the beach.
Olivia let go of Trevor's hand and made her way up the steps. She opened the balcony gate and swooped up her baby. "Hiiiiii baby," she kissed her gently. "Mommy missed you. Did you miss Mommy too?" Lexi nodded, smiling at her. She glanced at Trevor who caught up.
"Daddy!"
"Hi sweetheart, Daddy and Mommy just went for a little walk but we're back now. We always come back, don't we?," he asked, reinforcing her security. It was much better than it had been once she was immediately adopted. She often cried for extended periods of time when one of them had to go leave for a few hours. Despite being so young, she certainly understood the concept of their affirmations about returning and sometimes didn't even care when she watched her Mom or Dad leaving, or was happy to go with Noah or her grandparents without flinching.
Lexi nodded.
"Lexi and I were just playing with some blocks," Tara nodded, referring to a square block the two year old held beneath her chubby little arm.
"Ohhhhh you lucky thing!" Olivia remarked, "Auntie Tata playing blocks with you!"
"Would you like to come back to play?" Tara asked her. "Or would you like to do something else now?"
"Mmmmmmm," Lexi thought about it for a moment and held out the block for Tara. "Bocks!," the toddler exclaimed, holding up her arms for Tara to take her.
"Aww you don't have to entertain her, I can come and play with her and keep her busy,"
"No its okay, the kids are inside on their Nintendos and they're playing some weird paint game in perfect harmony… you guys have some time to yourselves. Levi and Amanda have just gone to pick up Sonny from the train station."
"OK great."
"Is everyone still going down to the beach after lunch?" Trevor wondered as they made their way back inside.
"Yeah, I think so, your Mom and Dad are putting together lunch and wouldn't let me help."
Trevor laughed, "sounds about right."
"I'll go help." Olivia opted. Tara went back to the living room to play with Lexi while the kids played their Nintendo game on the TV. "What are you gonna do, baby?," she asked Trevor.
"I'm gonna go call Raia and see where she's at. I'm gonna check to see how much beer and wine is left and if we need any groceries and I might run down to the store in the car and pick some stuff up if we need it."
"Nah, we don't need anything, you need to stop and just relax, sweetie, please."
"No but…"
"Trevor," she glanced at him seriously. "Please relax. Please just do something for you. Go relax or go and just chill out, please."
He stared at her for a few moments before sighing. "Okay, I'll go and sit on the deck with my computer and work on my lesson plans for the new job."
Olivia smiled, "thank you."
/
Olivia hugged Raia tightly when she arrived, their bond seemed oney to be getting stronger day by day. "Oh my gosh, you are ready to pop!," she exclaimed, "three more weeks, right?"
"Yeah, my last hurrah before he pops out…" she laughed, feeling her sister-in-law's hands on her belly. "He hasn't dropped yet…"
"No I think he has, I've been nearly peeing myself for days," she laughed.
Raia didn't agree but she said nothing. "I'm excited for you to have the baby," she told her, "like, I actually can't wait."
"I just feel tired and heavy all the time…" Olivia remarked with a sigh. "My back and legs hurt, but I'm trying my best to stay active."
Raia smiled and stepped out of the way to hug her brother. Olivia greeted Gavin with a hug and took Sadie from him as Trevor took Chloe, greeting both the girls. Slowly they made their way to everyone, greeting everyone and settling the kids to play for awhile with Lexi.
Shortly after Amanda arrived back with Sonny who Trevor was happy to see. He enjoyed Sonny's company. He had finished his work for the afternoon and took his computer and put it away, worried about little hands touching it.
"Baby, would you like to go down to the beach for awhile or would you prefer to just hang out here?" Trevor asked Olivia.
"We should probably go sit down with everyone for awhile at least…" she murmured quietly, even though time with Trevor was definitely what she wanted most.
"Are you sure? You don't have to."
"No, no… its okay. We'll go down and have some lunch. Gav brought a marquee that they can put in to the sand so everyone is in the shade and they are gonna take some foldable chairs down. I just have a really achey back today so I don't think I could sit in the sand."
"That's fair baby, okay we'll go and eat with them and then we'll come back up and try to take a swim to help with your back pain. If we don't manage to get away without child company, we'll jump in the pool when all the kids go to bed, okay?"
"Yeah," she smiled at him. "Thanks, Trev… I am just feeling so… exhausted and sore and I know I keep saying it, but he feels so heavy… I think he's dropped, but your sister doesn't think he has."
Trevor knew Raia would have a better idea but he trusted Olivia's instincts too. She seemed to be in tune with her body. "Come here…" he held open his arms, knowing she felt over all a little over it, desperately wanting the baby to come out. She got closer and wrapped her arms around him. He kissed her forehead and held her close for a few moments. "I love you," he told her, "hopefully not too much longer now… I think you should get as much rest as you need between now and when baby is here. We can stay an extra week if you like, I've actually already spoken to Mom and Dad about the possibility of doing that."
"Yeah?" Olivia asked.
Trevor nodded, "Of course, whatever is going to make it better and easier for you. "I want you to be able to relax."
"Thank you…" she replied. He kissed her temple and reluctantly released her. They followed everyone down through the back of the house and down the short flight of steps to the beach around fifty meters in front of them.
/
"Honey, how is your blood pressure?" Raia asked, taking a seat beside Olivia who was leaned over helping Lexi with her small sandwich triangles.
"Eat up, sweetheart," she encouraged her gently. Lexi stared back at Liv with her big, blue eyes looking back at her sandwich. She focused on the piece of cheese between the bread and worked on pulling it out. Liv sighed and sat back.
"I think it's okay. I checked two days ago and it was normal," she told Raia.
"How are you feeling overall? I know this is going to sound insulting, but you look …not yourself."
Olivia laughed, "I guess I'm not, I'm tired and sore and that awful feeling each time I eat or drink of feeling so full, everything is pressing and taking up too much room so I just feel … ugh."
"Oh yeah, that's the worst part, that last month where you feel them pressing against everything inside, and also, you're having the baby of a giant, he'll probably come out the size of an eleven year old."
They both started to laugh at the ridiculousness of it. "I sure hope not… Maybe he'll come in like… two weeks."
"You're only three weeks or four weeks out, technically he could come at any time."
"It would be nice… if he comes early, he'll be smaller, right?"
"Yeah," Raia smiled, "but honestly, the longer the better. I know that sounds awful and uncomfortable — because it is, but the longer he bakes in there the better his overall health will be when he's born, but you've had a really smooth pregnancy and his development is really good so I think if you had him a bit early, it'd be okay."
"I know… like today I woke up and my back is absolutely burning so I went for a swim with Tara and Kaci when I got up and then Trevor and I went for a walk to get some ice cream on our own and I barely made it home. Trevor kept offering to carry me."
They both laughed. "He's so sweet, that little suckhole of a brother of mine," she joked. "Maybe just have some lunch and go lay down, I can check your blood pressure later if you like."
"Yeah, I think I will," Olivia nodded in agreement.
/
"Oh my gosh," she moaned with relief, "that feels so good," she told Trevor referring to the water making her round baby belly feel weightless. "The water is so warm and honestly I could just lay here all afternoon…."
Trevor was holding his arms beneath the bend of her knees and behind her neck, holding her in a floating position. He smiled, glad he was able to help her feel some relief. "You didn't tell me your back was as bad as it was…"
"Raia said you seem a bit down in the dumps and I feel bad that I didn't pick that up."
Olivia rolled out of his arms so that she was on her feet staring back at him. "I'm not down or anything, I just feel fed up of feeling so big and uncomfortable and I'm not sleeping well."
"Okay, so why didn't you tell me that you weren't sleeping well?" Trevor asked, taking her hands. He pulled her close, resting his hands upon her hips sliding them around to her backside and lifting her so that she could wrap herself around him, taking her weight.
He didn't pose the question combatively, just a curiousness and gentleness in his tone, almost subdued, thinking that maybe he could have helped.
She shrugged and glanced at him almost guiltily. "I think it's a combination of just feeling uncomfortable and not finding a good sleep position and just racing brain — I've told you before, I don't love the darkness and maybe hormones make some of those sensitivities heightened."
"Okay, well, I want to hear about your racing brain and … if we can't keep the TV on, put your phone on or something so it keeps a little light. Or, we could get a lamp."
Trevor didn't know the extent of what Olivia had been through, it was a subject that she kept locked very tight within her. He remembered when he had been told that a student's Mom had been taken hostage for a few days, he hadn't yet met Noah nor did he remember many of the details until Noah had figured out who his father was by a google search.
He had been tempted to search himself, but something Olivia had said stopped him. She had told him that an ex boyfriend had been unable to even look at her afterward, that what had happened had ruined their relationship. She had even given him permission to look it up and told him that she couldn't stop him, but if she had a choice, she would have one day liked to tell him herself.
"It's just the little things that I can't talk to you about," she told him softly.
"Well, that's just not true," he replied evenly. "You can talk to me about anything, Olivia, you know that. I don't think there's a single thing you could tell me that I wouldn't be able to support you through."
She shrugged and avoided his eyes. "I just don't like the darkness because sometimes with work, with what I went through with Noah and also with Elliot — and all that other stuff, it just takes me to a … dark place in my brain, especially when I'm exhausted."
He ran his fingers through her wet locks.
"I understand… but baby, you can get it off your chest if you need to. I'm here for you, okay? Always. I don't want you to go through anything on your own. We're a team."
"I know, it's just hard…"
He kissed her and wrapped his arms around her neck, just enjoying the time together in the water.
"Whenever you're ready to talk to me about any of those things Liv, I'm ready too," he replied.
"Thanks," she murmured.
/
"She's overtired, that's all," Olivia told Trevor, nodding toward Lexi who wouldn't calm down.
"Do you want me to try?" He asked, able to tell she was quickly becoming overwhelmed. She attempted to pass Lexi over but she only took a deep breath and screamed louder. Olivia let her eyes fall shut for a moment and took her own deep breath and brought her close again. Her head was pulsating and her back was aching. When Lexi was so worked up, she couldn't be held still, they had to carry her and pace her back and forth, it was the only way that she could calm down.
"How the fuck are we gonna do this with two of them?," she asked rhetorically. "I can barely handle one child like this…"
"Its okay, Liv, you're doing a good job. I think you need to go and take a minute. I'll get her a blanket and take her outside for a walk along the beach for 15 or so minutes so that you can just recompose yourself.
She passed Lexi over; she was grateful for his help. She wanted a minute, afraid she might begin to cry and show her vulnerable side. She made a beeline to the bedroom and closed the door and made her way inside the ensuite. She splashed some water over her face and took a seat on the side of the tub and began to sob.
She was tired and emotional and the flashes of her relationship with Elliot wouldn't seem to stop— not even when she was asleep. His words to her before he left the first time, you're not a parent, you think you know everything, Olivia… She told him that she had planned to be a parent at some point and he had even countered that with a laugh, Oh yeah, right. Who's going to marry you? They'd have to agree to marry me too.
Once, very early in the relationship after he came back and pursued her, Noah had come home from school inconsolable about another student hitting him. She and Elliot fought because he wanted to teach Noah to hit back harder. He had told her, Just because you went and took someone else's kid in to your possession, it doesn't make you any more of a mother than you were ten years ago Olivia, that's not me trying to be mean, it's just a fact. You don't know what you don't know…
It still stung whenever she thought about it. It came back to haunt her when those nights with Lexi were hard to manage and she began doubting her defiance; that she was a mother regardless of how that child came to be. His words started cutting a little deeper and the heartbreak set in of feeling like maybe he was right.
There was a knock on the bathroom door. "I'll be out in a second," she cleared her throat and eased herself up, flushing the toilet and letting the water run for a moment before wiping her cheeks, she blinked back more tears.
"Honey, are you alright?" Tara asked as soon as she emerged. Olivia quickly wiped an escaped tear.
"Yeah, just a bit overwhelmed," she told her honestly, "I just hate hearing her cry."
"Its okay, you're doing such a good job, Liv, it's really hard when they won't settle."
Olivia nodded. "Can I get you something?," she offered her. "I could get you a drink or…?"
She shook her head at her friend. "No… I think I might just take a few minutes and then maybe I'll come put and watch TV with you guys or see how Trevor is going."
"Raia went with him for a little walk to calm her," she told Liv, "but please don't be hard on yourself, Olivia, I know you have a tendency to be, but you are such a good Mom, Lexi is probably just very tired."
"She is, and I let her stay up too late because I was too lazy to take her to bed. It's my fault and now I've gone and made her so upset." She paused and found a seat on the bed, "sometimes I'm a really shit Mom. I know you think I'm not, but sometimes I can be."
"Olivia, you are absolutely not a shit Mom. Sometimes we make mistakes in judgment about bed times or what we let them do or say — but it just makes us human."
"Thanks," Liv sniffed.
"Liv maybe you need sleep too. You poor thing, you look exhausted."
"I keep cramping in my back, it's driving me nuts… I hope Lexi sleeps soon because I can't go to sleep if she's not in bed."
"Do you want me to leave you alone? If you need some space, I'm happy to leave you, but I don't want to leave you alone if you need to talk or need to just … vent."
"I'm okay…" she said quietly.
Tara smiled. "Liv, I know you're okay. But that's not really what I asked. Do you want me to stay with you or would you like a minute?"
"Maybe I'll come out with you…" she murmured.
Tara held her hand out, "come on, let me help you up."
/
"Here we are," Trevor smiled, finding Liv laying across the couch in what looked to be an uncomfortable position. "One sleeping baby."
"Oh thank goodness…" Olivia looked up. She smiled at him. "Thanks for taking her…"
"Of course," he smiled as Raia threaded past him to sit in the arm chair. "I had a little help," he added, nodding toward his sister. "I'm gonna go lay her down and have a shower. I'll come and say goodnight when I'm done."
"Okay," she replied. Trevor disappeared with Lexi. Olivia looked over to Raia, "thanks for helping him…"
Raia smiled at her, "it's okay, you're welcome. Hey… remember when you said you thought the baby had dropped?" She glanced at Tara and nodded at the weird shape of Olivia's stomach.
"Yeah?" She sat herself up very slowly, the pain in her back aching away.
"I don't think he'd dropped. How's your breathing right now compared to when you work up?"
Olivia thought for a second, "Actually it feels a bit easier."
Raia grinned at her, "he's dropped now. I can tell just when you were laying then. There's more space between your boobs and your belly and you're not breathing as laboured as you were this morning."
"I've had to pee all day too," Liv added. "I actually didn't make it to the bathroom just after dinner," she told Raia and Tara with a laugh.
"Common," Raia shrugged, "yeah, I think the baby is getting ready."
"Yeah, maybe you're right. I have had intense back ache today like I've not had before, it just won't stop cramping up. And my thighs have been aching from all that walking."
"The walking you did today may have helped ready things a little."
"Does that mean I might go in to labour soon?," Olivia asked, a little alarmed.
"Not necessarily, it can happen up to a month or so before birth. Don't get too excited," she flashed her a smile. "But the bigger you are the closer they'll keep you monitored, I think. They won't let you go too long Liv, or else you're going to have trouble birthing that giant baby."
Tara laughed.
Olivia rubbed her tummy and looked down at the bulge that she couldn't see past. She yawned. "Aww, come on lil baby, don't make Mommy wait too much longer…" she murmured.
Raia smiled affectionately at her sister-in-law who she felt a little sorry for. She knew becoming a new Mom was hard work, even harder when she already had a toddler. She knew Olivia had the support of Trevor though and it gave her faith that they'd make it okay.
"Sweetheart," Trevor reappeared, "do you want to come to bed? I'll see if we can do something for your back…"
"Ewwww gross," Raia remarked causing Tara to almost spit her drink.
Trevor rolled his eyes, "you're relentless and disgusting, Raia. I meant a back massage or a heat pack or something."
"Yes please," Olivia agreed, ignoring Raia. Trevor helped her up and said goodnight to everyone.
/
After a good solid half an hour of leaning over Olivia, trying to help her remain comfortable while massaging the most uncomfortable parts of her back, she told him he could stop. She was exhausted and just wanted to try to go to sleep.
He worried about her and felt terrible that she was in so much pain and that they still had a few weeks to go. He helped her in to bed and gave her a spare pillow to lean forward on to to keep her a little more comfortable, but it didn't help much at all. He removed his t-shirt and slid in to bed beside her. "Want some air, sweetie?"
"Yes please…" she replied. "I can't sleep facing away from you, I don't like it." He watched her struggle to turn, shifting beside him. Her body was so heavy with the wait of their baby and even moving too much was a task. "I'll keep the light on for you tonight, k?"
"Thanks," she murmured as she tried her best to find a comfortable position. He felt a small smiling pulling at the corners of his lips. He couldn't believe the glow about her; he knew she was feeling self-conscious and bigger than usual, but to him, the glow had bloomed more from within in the past few months and even though he knew she was tired, the love and warmth in her eyes for her family never seemed to dim.
"You okay?," he asked. His voice was gentle, he reached over and brushed her hair from her forehead. She sighed, still catching her breath from the effort of moving on to her side so that she could face him. She smiled back, it was genuine if a little weary. "Yeah, it just feels like it was a big day today."
He nodded, thinking about how they had unintentionally walked for quite some time to reach the ice cream stall and how he had worried that she may not have been able to get the whole way back. Her feet had swollen in the heat and she tried her best to stifle her sighs each time she tried to move around.
He felt a feeling of admiration wash over him, "you did a lot today," he confirmed with a nod. He leaned down and pressed a tender kiss upon her forehead.
She chuckled softly, her hand resting on the curve of her belly. "I feel like we did a lot today."
He smiled, his fingertips tracing small circles on her arm. His touch was as light as usual, but steady and relaxing for her to feel. "You really amaze me," he told her, his voice a bare murmur. "Every damn day…"
Her eyes crinkled at the corners with recognition as she reached up to cup his softly bristled cheek. "I really couldn't do any of this without you," she replied, "none of it… even just taking Lexi before, I was on edge of having a melt down too."
"I know, but that's why I'm here," he replied. Her thumb grazed his skin. He leaned in to her touch, his heart swelling with an unconditionally, deep love that sometimes ached. Very slowly, he lowered himself, their foreheads touching. There was a quiet and a peacefulness between them - the kind of silence that could only come after learning about each other and knowing one another inside out.
Despite the nagging feeling that she had some darkness locked away that she wasn't sure how to share, he knew that while he didn't know about the event, he did know her.
Gently, their lips met. The kiss was slow and tender without rush or urgency, just the comforting warmth of being wrapped up in one another. He slid his hand down to rest over the swell of her stomach. She sighed with contentment as she leaned in to him, her lips were family and their connection, they both knew was about to grow stronger.
She pulled away, just a little so that she could see in to his eyes, her breath mingling with his. "I love you, Trev…" her voice almost breaking with emotion.
Trevor kissed her again, this time for longer, his hand caressing her hair, his heart pouring out through his affection and his words that she seemed to be soaking up and needing from him. "I love you too, Liv," he replied in a whisper, his own voice a little thick, "more than you could ever know…"
They both settled back, he drew her close, he head resting on his chest. He wrapped his arm around her protectively, both of their hands still remaining holding the growing life between them. "Close your eyes, baby, we've got another big day planned for tomorrow."
Olivia chuckled. "What have you got planned… I can tell you've been scheming…"
"Who me?" He smiled innocent, "Never…" he winked and kissed her forehead. "Sweet dreams, baby. No nightmares tonight, k?"
"I'll try."
"If you need to talk to me in the night, wake me, k?"
"Thanks…"
He kissed her one last time and felt her settling beside him.
/
Olivia stared at the ceiling wiping her cheeks, trying not to make any noise, not wanting to wake up Trevor.
It was just after 3 in the morning. It was her birthday and perhaps it was the exhaustion and the hormones, but she couldn't seem to fall asleep again. She'd had a dream about Elliot and like all the others, he took the place of Lewis. It was violent and everything that she knew at the base of it, Elliot was not, but it didn't make the dream any easier to deal with.
She tried to clear the thoughts from her mind, but she kept coming short — the last birthday she had while she was with Elliot had turned unsurprisingly in to a huge fight. He had come home without a card or a plan or a single memory of it being her special day. In contrast, she and Noah had made a huge event out of Elliot's birthday only months earlier. They had showered him with fun and thoughtful gifts, together had made his favourite cake and had taken him to dinner and that wasn't even including the other things she had done for him in private.
She didn't say a word about it, but Noah had rushed home from school with a home made card and a gift that he and his nanny had put together for her. Elliot offered world class sex to make up for it, as if it was anything that she wanted to be a part of after the hadn't put a single thought in to a day he should have remembered.
When she explained her feelings calmly, he got defensive and turned it around on her. He had yelled and screamed about her ridiculous expectations and eventually when it was just about done, he had delivered his last punch; maybe on some levels I didn't bother with a gift because I just don't give a shit about this relationship anymore.
She wiped her cheeks again.
"Baby, what's wrong? Are you alright?" Trevor's voice murmured wearily from beside her. She quickly sniffed and nodded.
"I'm okay, just a stupid dream."
Trevor sat up and rubbed his eyes for a second. There was a few seconds of silence and she could tell that he was trying to wake himself up. The small gesture was enough to make more tears fall.
"Talk to me…" he commanded gently, "you're upset," he reached over smoothed her wet cheeks.
"It's stupid, it was just something dumb, I'll be okay."
"Olivia," he tried again, kissing her temple sleepily, "I have woken up dozens of times over these past three months to you crying, I can barely stand it-"
"I'll go sleep on the couch," she replied, almost snapping. She tried to lift herself but it was all an effort.
"Don't be silly, that's not what I meant. I just mean that I hate to see you so … bereft."
"I don't know how to tell you…" she replied, "I mean…" she paused, "I dont know how to say the words."
"You just start with something simple," he told her, smoothing her skin. "There's nothing you can't tell me. I'm just here for you."
She let her eyes fall shut and cried silently for a moment as he lay beside her, smoothing her tears. "Just a single statement…"
"I got kidnapped when Noah was really little… by a guy we arrested for raping and murdering a bunch of people,"
"Okay," he replied slowly. "And… were you hurt?"
"Yeah…" she answered in a whisper, her throat tightening up. She swallowed the lump and clenched her fists by her sides.
"Did he assault you?," Trevor asked directly. She nodded. He found himself clearing his throat. He knew something had happened but he hadn't been prepared for that. He took a deep breath, "in what way?," he asked his questions direct but not without gentleness, not wanting her to close up.
"Physically…" she uttered, "he touched me… he burned me— the scars you—" she paused trying to compose herself. She sniffed, "you've seen them…"
It dawned on him that the small scars over her shoulder and her chest were from him, he had branded her — they were not from the accident that she had made up to shut him up once when he'd asked her about them. "I'm sorry," he replied.
"He never raped me, just…you know—"
"Its okay," he told her, because it was. She told him she hadn't been raped as though she were worried he might find it too much to deal with — as if apologetic about being abused. He wiped fresh tears. "And you're having nightmares about it all?"
She nodded. "Elliot… he keeps showing up as the kidnapper in my dreams," her voice cracked and she began to sob. Trevor leaned in close and wrapped his arms around her. "Its okay," he murmured, kissing her warm forehead. "Its okay Olivia, you're safe now, I'll keep you safe and all of those who are in your life, we all love you so much and we've got you…" she nodded, trying to calm herself down. "Its okay to be sad and traumatised by all of that," he added, "we don't have to go in to the details until you're ready, but I am always going to stand by you no matter what happened and no matter how many tears you have to cry over it, Liv, I'm here for you and I love you."
He held her and continued to smooth away her tears, caressing her hair and kissing her intermittently. "Its just dreams and when you wake up, I'm always here to talk to about it."
"It makes me not want to sleep," she admitted.
"I'm sure its just pregnancy thats amplifying all of your emotions, sweetheart."
"I know…"
"Let me get up and get you some water. Or… would you like some warm milk?"
"Just… just some water please," she replied. Trevor kissed her forehead and got up to go to the kitchen.
On the way back, he checked in on the kids, even though he knew that Noah was an honest kid, he still made himself do random night checks to make sure he didn't have any bed company.
"Here you are," he handed her a glass. She half sat up and took a few sips and let it rest for a moment before she took another mouthful and handed it back to Trevor.
He went in to the bathroom and got her a wet cloth and returned with it. He kissed her. "Here you are, why don't you wipe your face and neck and chest with this, you might be able to cool down a little," he suggested.
"Thanks Trev…" she did as he suggested and wiped the back of her neck. She really was hot. She rested back down and put the damp cloth over her collarbones.
"You're welcome, love." He got back in to bed. "Birthday girl…" he nudged her gently.
"Oh, don't…"
He chuckled, "Why don't we put I love Lucy on the iPad and you can listen to that while you try to sleep a little more. And if you have a bad dream, you just wake me up again, okay?"
She nodded. "I'll just turn the air lower and cuddle you and you do your best to sleep."
"Thanks baby, I love you. Thank you for not making a big deal of what I said before."
"I love you too. I think the way we approach this, given how hard you find it to talk about, is bit-by-bit at whatever pace you think you can do."
She nodded, agreeing. "You're just a dream man, thanks for being so patient with me."
"Don't. You don't have to thank me, that's part of being in love with someone. You did the same with me with Lana, Olivia, you never faltered, not even when I was being a dick."
She managed a smile. "As if I ever would have."
"So, it's the same for me."
She nodded with understanding. "Thanks…"
"Now close your eyes, birthday girl, I have plans for you," he smiled back. He got the iPad queued up and set it aside and turned the air down lower and got closer to her. He kissed her temple. "Only sweet dreams for you, baby," he murmured.