[A tv turns on, switching immediately to Channel Five. Channel Five is for science. There is only Channel Five, that is the way it has always been and always will. Channel Five's host appears on the screen and smiles at his audience. He wears a lab coat, as all scientists do. He speaks, and although every word can be understood clearly, it is impossible to determine what his voice sounds like.]
"A peaceful seaside town where the sand is warm, the stars are beautiful, and creatures lurk beneath the waves as we play on the beach. Welcome… to Sunrise Hills."
[The camera zooms out to reveal that he is beside a cage. A deep, indescribable growl fills the room.]
"Good morning, viewers! To start off our day, I've been requested by the City Council to study a fascinating specimen. I shall now take a moment for everyone to meet Jerry, a normal dog from our normal dog park."
[The camera pans over to Jerry. Jerry has sharp, needle-like teeth and fur that drips like oil on a crisp winter evening, as all dogs do.]
"However, what makes Jerry so scientifically extraordinary is that we believe Jerry is pregnant! As you should all know, this can only occur if Jerry's mate has died. Ever since dogs became an endangered species, the valiant guardians of the dog park have made sure this type of event would not occur."
[The camera turns back to the host as his smile morphs into something cruel and bloodthirsty, but doesn't falter in its intensity.]
"To the person that caused this tragedy, whom I shall not name due to my professionalism as a scientist: We all know who you are. We all know what you did. You have two hours to live. Use them wisely."
[His smile returns, and the camera pans back to Jerry]
"Ah! Jerry's going into labour!"
[Jerry's mouth opens. One by one, small puppies crawl out, still furless and whining like lost souls of the ancient pirates. After the last puppy crawls out of Jerry's mouth, the camera turns back to the host.]
"On that high note, let's move on to the weather report. It is sunny. It has always been sunny. It always will be sunny. Even when it rains, it's still sunny behind the clouds. We are trapped in a never-ending circle around the sun. We could scream to be freed, for the sun to stop burning against our skin. We do not, for we fear its absence more than its control. The sun: we are nothing without it.'
[He smiles wider now, and his eyes finally join him.]
"A new man came to our town today. He says he is a reporter and… oh, his voice. Viewers, you had to be there to understand how scientifically improbable his voice was to my ears."
[His smile dims now, and his eyes return to calculated apathy.]
"But he is a reporter, and we all remember the last reporter who came to our town. We all remember how he melted on our lovely new motorway, disturbing the peace with his screams. We all remember how it took days for the cleaners to scrub the mess off the motorway and the smell from our noses. Yes, he is a reporter and an outsider, so we must be cautious with our trust."
"Now, a quick reminder to everyone about beach safety. Always apply sunscreen. Rashes are temporary, skin cancer is forever. Make sure you know how to swim. Drowning, as you all should know, is illegal. Most importantly, never swim alone. You know why. It is not something I need to tell you, or something that can be mentioned unless in a low, desperate whisper in the dead of night."
[Something in his eyes darkens, and he furrows his brow. The smile is a mockery of itself now, fake in a different way than usual.]
"There was a minor explosion in the town gymnasium today. Now, as a scientist, this usually would not be in my area of concern. However… My team has investigated this event, and are led to believe that it was an act of active maliciousness. This is because of, but not limited to, the fact that video evidence showed someone planting a bomb beneath the bleachers."
[His smile widens now, just slightly beyond the average capabilities of a human mouth. It is not a kind smile, nor a happy one. Humans are apex predators, and his smile reflects this fact.]
"As this gymnasium was the main practice area of our rugby team, the Sunrise Hills Otters (go team!), the logical conclusion of our evidence suggests that it must have been the work of our eternal rivals, the Redrock Cove Dolphins. As much as I adore dolphins, as a scientist, I also have to say that Redcove Cove could not have chosen a better mascot. Fellow scientists and well-knowledged citizens will understand what I meant when I said that."
[His eyes become joyful again and his smile dims in quantity but brightens significantly in realism.]
"The reporter, who claims to be named Cecil, called a town meeting. Good for him. The last reporter died of natural causes. On an unrelated note, did you know that lightning can strike from an apparently clear sky? The more you know, the more you know. Oh, yes, the town meeting. Maria sold home-baked cookies, and nobody bakes cookies like Maria. The last time my team tried to replicate her recipe, the oven exploded."
"Cecil said that we are the most newsworthy town in the US, which is strange considering we are in Europe, but ok. He said that he wants to report on what was going on around here. Now viewers, I want you to know that I have nothing but professional feelings for this man and his honey-voiced promises."
[His smile turns manic now as he walks over to a clean desk. A microwave is placed in front of him.]
"This is a microwave. It heats your food using radio waves, which you are using to view this channel. Now, many people fear the power that these little boxes of domesticated radiation hold. That is completely fair, since it heats body tissue the same way it heats food, leading to painful burns. Small creatures can even be killed if microwaved, explode into pieces like an egg would. At least, that is what I would say if this wasn't a mimic."
[He takes out a handgun and shoots the mimic three times from the side. His eyes do not leave the camera. His smile does not falter. The mimic screeches in pain, bleeding heavily, and dies.]
"Mimics: a sad imitation of the destructive beauty of nature. If you are unsure whether something or someone you know is a mimic, call our team by doing your best seagull imitation at 4:00pm. In an urgent situation, use the handgun you keep in your side pocket. If you believe your handgun is a mimic, you are wrong and should continue on with your day."
[He pushes the dead body of the mimic off the now-dirty desk. It falls to the floor with a lifeless thump. His smile loses its manic appearance and he stands up and leaves the room, camera following him.]
"Ah, I almost forgot!"
[He turns to face the camera again, showing off his gun.]
"I got a new handgun last week. Look at it, it's it just lovely? Once, handguns were often considered a badge of office. This might seem strange now, as handguns are a legal requirement in Sunrise Hills for anyone over 13. But back then, they had limited useful ability and were expensive to make. It's amazing how much we take for granted, isn't it?"
[He puts away his gun. Had it not been so obviously there before slipping into his lab coat, it would have been easy to believe that it had never been there in the first place.]
"Cecil and his… I think he called them his interns? Well, they've been interviewing Old Peterson, one of the longest-lasting Lifeguards, about his occupation. Asking all sorts of invasive questions too, about salaries, retirement, and the Lifeguard death rate. I guess that's what reporters do, but if they don't be careful then they'll-"
[He is handed a piece of paper. He closes his eyes for a second, sighing loudly. He opens his eyes again, giving the camera an I-told-you-so stare.]
"Here we go again. Dana, can you put on pre-recorded video 7? I'm going for lunch."
[Pre-recorded video 7 starts playing. The host is standing in front of a Please Do Not Feed The Kraken sign at the beach.]
"So… someone angered a Lifeguard. Which means we, as the scientists of Channel 5, are legally required to broadcast this message on Lifeguard etiquette. Mike, do you mind starting us off?"
[The video switches to Mike. Mike is sitting with his lab coat just out of reach of the waves. His smile is awkward on his face, not nearly as experienced as his host's. He is yelling to be heard over the roaring waves and distant screams.]
"Our hardworking Lifeguards are here to help! If a Lifeguard is on duty, their eyes start glowing and their whistle will let out loud screams! Do not disturb a Lifeguard on duty! They will not hesitate to kill you to rescue people in need!"
[The video switches back to the host.]
"Thank you, Mike. Sarah, would you like to go next?"
[The video switches to Sarah. Sarah is standing in a building called Lifeguard Training Facility. Her lab coat is pulled tightly over her shoulders to avoid staining its edges with the blood on the ground. Her smile is minimalistic and weary.]
"Lifeguards start their training from the age of four. Despite this vigorous training, most do not make it past their first year on the job. We remember and appreciate each of their sacrifices to protect our citizens from the dangers of the deep sea. As part of this appreciation, we must never ask them for any classified information about their job. If you aren't sure what is classified, please refrain from asking about their job at all."
[The video switches back to the host.]
"Thank you, Sarah. Now that everyone has a basic idea of Lifeguard etiquette, let's go back to science, shall we?"
[Pre-recorded video 7 stops playing. The host is standing in front of a whiteboard covered in scientific jargon.]
"Mirages. They are the result of light passing through two layers of air with different temperatures. Not only do mirages trick your eyes, they trick cameras too. The building that claims to be a water ski shop is a mirage. It looks like it's there, but it's not. Do not enter the water ski shop. There is no water ski shop. The screams coming from the water ski shop are an auditory hallucination and you should drink more water."
[The whiteboard is pushed away and a different whiteboard is pushed in. This one has just as much scientific jargon on it.]
"Our monitors have been having massive seismic shifts lately, ones that should be rocking the very earth we stand on. This, as you likely know, has not been reflected by the ground. We are buying new monitors. Do not be afraid. Our new monitors will properly reflect the scientific evidence before us. Do not be afraid. Science isn't always perfect and neither are our monitors. The ground is stable. Do not be afraid."
[The second whiteboard is pushed away.]
"And now, please sit back and enjoy the Sounds of Science."
[The screen turns pitch black, the kind you might expect from a black hole. The next few minutes are filled with the sound of loud, desperate wails and the steady dripping of a broken tap. When the host returns, he is smiling with more realism than usual again.]
"Welcome back, viewers. It seems like Cecil and his interns, or at least the ones left over from the Lifeguard incident, have decided to report on Maria's claims that she bakes her cookies with the help of demons. It is not my place to judge their interests, but we all know demons are not scientifically probable creatures. But I have to say… I'm excited to see how this will end."
[His smile returns to usual as he continues talking.]
"A pair of my fellow scientists went to investigate another scientifically extraordinary event last week. The pin retrieval area of Lane 20 in the Seashell Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex which has been proven to be hosting a vast, underground city. Considering that they have not yet returned, we have to assume that they are no more. To the families of Trisha and Dave, I regret to inform you that your relatives have died in the noble pursuit of science."
[Someone knocks on the door.]
"Come in! Come in!"
[The man that enters is a very average one. He is holding a voice recorder in one hand and has a camera slung over his neck. There is a glowing red knife in his shoulder. His eyes are terrified and he is not smiling.]
"A demon stabbed me. I was told to come here."
[The host's brow furrows, but he does not stop smiling. In fact, his smile seems to widen, as if compensating for the newcomer's lack of proper tv facial expression.]
"Cecil. That's your name, isn't it? I thought you were watching when I said that demons are scientifically improbable."
[Cecil's expression is completely deadpan as he gestures with his good hand to the knife in his shoulder. The host sighs and turns back to the camera.]
"Well, as you can see, I'm going to have to go deal with a stab wound. So we will have to end here today, watchers, but be sure to tune in next time. For now, all I have to say is: Good night, Sunrise Hills. Good night.
Fun fact: It takes the average Sunrise Hills citizen 3 hours to dig a grave. However, it only takes them around 30 minutes to hide a body.