Thique Lee: I'm glad you're enjoying it! Thank you for reading!
Whitefang: Thank you so much! You literally made my day with that comment haha. I'm gonna try my best!
Kuro: She probably should have lol.
AlexBou: Yeah, me too. (っ´ω｀c) (And I fixed the your bit, thanks for pointing it out!)
I lied to you.
The way she'd said it - it was like a hand squeezing my heart, keeping me from breathing. It was pain, and sorrow wrapped into a few little words, and I didn't know why, but I could feel it in my gut that this was… bad.
It reminded me of those long, tense moments in a waiting room, the kind where the clock ticks too slowly and every second stretches into an eternity, anticipation coiling tighter with each heartbeat, as you wait for the bad news from your doctor.
Even though every instinct inside was screaming at me to run - for whatever reason - I promised myself I would be kind. That I would put her first, and listen to whatever it was she had to say.
"What do you mean you lied?" I whispered gently, my lips curving up in a gentle way - a reassuring way. "It's okay. Whatever you lied about… it's fine. You don't owe me anything."
"Oh," she breathed. "I wish that was true. I would give anything for it to be true Beau, but, I have done something unforgivable… truly monstrously cruel to you, and…"
"Edythe," I repeated for the hundredth time, "I promise… it's okay."
And I meant it. It would always be okay. I would always be okay as long as she was with me.
"No, it is not," she said with a heartbreaking quiver.
"Whether it is or isn't, it's not gonna matter to me," I promised.
"Yes it will, I lied to you, Beau. And it has harmed you worse than anything I could have ever imagined."
"So?" I asked with a shrug, laughing softly - a tad forcefully. "So what if it did? You're here now, trying your best to say sorry - even though I keep interrupting and being an idiot - what does it matter if you lied if you're trying to fix it?"
"I have to say sorry. I have to explain, and I'm scared." Her eyes shut, trying to block out the next words she said. "Beau, I'm terrified you're going to hate me."
The next laugh that came out of me was more genuine. That was possibly the most foolish thing I'd ever heard her say. But she looked back into my eyes, and it looked like she meant it. It made the worry in the back of my head a little worse… like my gut was screaming at me to not take this lightly.
"Impossible. But okay, once you do, and I tell you it's fine again, will you let it go?" I asked, gently taking her hand, and squeezing it. She bit her lip, and her eyes scrunched down. She didn't answer me, instead just cringing back, as if she was expecting me to snap at her instead. "I'll take that as a no."
I didn't say anything else. She was taking a few deep breaths, trying to calm down… she looked like she was on the verge of tears, without any actually falling from her beautiful eyes. She made it difficult to see if she was, but it still hurt to see her in so much pain. I wanted nothing more than to take it away from her - for her to listen to me and let go of whatever hang-ups she had.
"Beau, I lied to you," she started finally, beginning from the top. "B-back when I… when I left you."
I flexed my jaw slightly and had to resist a flinch. The worst memory of my existence… what had she lied about then? Lots of things were said in the little time we'd had. I was boring, holding her back, a pet, that she… she couldn't love me.
The dread I'd felt doubled.
"Which part?" I asked tenderly.
"All of it, but most predominantly, when I said I d-didn't love you," she whispered, almost choking on the confession.
I felt the world tilting beneath me… was she going to say that she never loved me in the first place? That I'd always been a burden? That I… that she…
"P-please let me finish. You do not know the true horror of it… even if you look as though you do, I'm certain you don't," she interrupted my thoughts. I quickly blinked and made myself focus on her again.
"I told you that I didn't love you, Beau." She breathed. "But Archie recently informed me that you actually believed it." Her eyes widened fractionally, and she quickly corrected herself. "That you still believed it."
Even with the little slip of the tongue, she kept talking fast, moving on to the next part - probably as a way to get it out before she lost the nerve. But even with how fast she was talking, I could understand every word, and it just made my gut tighten with fear.
"Which I - I couldn't comprehend. I didn't understand how you could come and rescue me from my own foolishness; put yourself in such egregious, horrifying danger, and believe that you would gain nothing. That the fool you were rescuing was killing herself to a-atone - and not because… she loves you with all of her heart."
I leaned back, looking at her with wide eyes. I couldn't have heard that right. There was no way she just said that. I don't think she saw my look because she kept going.
"Beau, I was an idiot. I left you to try and give you a normal, happy, human life, where you could one day die with the assurance that you would have an eternity in paradise. And I thought that if I lied and told you that I didn't love you - which was the blackest, most horrid sort of blasphemy - that it would be easier for you. I had… I had believed that humans weren't like us. That eventually they would heal, that while they could break, they could also recover so much quicker than us," he shook her head, closing her eyes in pain.
"I never knew that… that you loved me so deeply that you would… you would lose your mind over a beast like me."
"I…" I was breathless… I could only say one word as I listened to her… to my angel talking. This couldn't be real. There was no way that she loved me… this had to be a lie, or - or some kind of weird sort of closure thing my head was trying to come up with to make me feel better.
Whatever it was, it wasn't real.
"Beau, I lied then, and I am so sorry for that. Truly with every part of my being, I wish I could take back what I did, what I said. But I love you so much." I flinched hard, shutting my eyes tight. I heard her whimper, but she kept going, getting it all out. "You are my life. When I thought you… when I thought you died, I was going to Italy to follow you in death, because I cannot live in a world that doesn't have you in it."
She paused to take one shaky breath.
"I have always loved you, and I have not for one second stopped."
I let her waist go, stumbling away from her, as I frantically shook my head. I kept my eyes shut tight, and I turned my back to the vision. That was the last straw. I didn't know what sort of sick and twisted idea my own head had come up with. But trying to make me think that the real Edythe was here, and professing her love to me like this… there was no way it was true.
"I can't listen to this. This isn't… I'm… I can't do this," I whispered to myself. "This isn't real," I choked out, trying to convince myself of reality by saying the words out loud.
I'd accepted that I was insane. I'd accepted having a hallucination to walk around with me and remind me of her. But this was too far… I couldn't let myself go so deep into it that I would forget what was real!
"Beau, I'm real! I assure you that I am here!" I heard her yell, behind me. I felt my throat burning, but not for blood. I couldn't speak for a second, as I hyperventilated, trying to catch my breath.
"No! No… please," I softly cried to myself, putting my hands on my head, begging her to stop talking silently.
"Beau!" She cried trying to get my attention.
"This is too good to be true, and that's how you know it's not," I whispered, hitting my forehead with the palm of my hand. "I'll go back to Charlie's, I'll go to Jules, or school or anywhere, and I'll hold onto her o-or whatever, and no one -no one will see her. It's not real. Your gonna kill yourself, your gonna tear your own heart out. You can't let yourself…"
I slowly forced myself to walk towards the trees, knowing I needed to leave - to get away.
I thought I'd come to terms with my insanity! That I could handle it! But this was too much! It was way too much!
I only took two steps before I felt her hand wrapping around my wrist, keeping me in place. I whirled around, begging her with my eyes to let go.
But she didn't. She just stared at me horrified, with her lips parted in shock.
"Stop. Please. She doesn't love me," I whispered savagely. "She stopped loving me. She left to live the life she deserves, and she's not coming back for - for someone like me. So whatever this is," I said, gesturing toward her, "it needs to stop. You have to understand that this will kill me."
The weight of my words hung in the air, heavy with the truth I couldn't escape. Each syllable felt like a stone, dropping into the silence between us. I could see the hurt in her eyes, but I couldn't let myself give in to them. I had to protect my heart, even if it felt like tearing it apart all over again.
"I'm not your angel. It's me, Beau," she choked out, almost sobbing. "I will leave if that's what you really want. But you have to make that choice, knowing that this is reality. I'm begging you, let me show you the truth. I am real. I am here. I love you!"
"She wouldn't have lied! N-not about that," I denied with a whimper, choking up just as badly as her. I put a hand on my chest in a useless effort to ease the pain there. "She… she's purely good. She would have… she wouldn't have done that to me. She was kind and honest, and she told me the truth, purely for my own sake. She could have just disappeared, but she-"
I searched for reasons, for explanations that made sense, desperate to understand how she could claim she loved me when it was an obvious lie.
But my angel interrupted, her voice sharp and full of anguish.
"Beau! I'm not good," she cried, holding my hand in both of hers now. "I'm not, and I… it… the pain that you'll have to realize that - that you'll never again look at me with the adoration you once had, kills me in a way I didn't know was possible. But I lied to you, please, whether you believe I'm your angel or not, you can at least confirm it, and know for certain."
I could see how desperate she was. As desperate for me to stay, as I was to run. And holy crap, did I want to run.
But those eyes… Those haunting, beautiful eyes that lingered in my thoughts day and night were pleading with me to hear her. To consider what she was saying.
She was asking for something vital, and the thought of saying no was impossible. I could never say no to her. Not now. Not ever.
"How?" I choked out, forcing myself to calm down. To listen, and to ignore the screaming in my head to protect myself from pain.
"Let's go into town. Or to your father's home. Or anywhere, like you said. You can watch as I interact with other real people. It will be undeniable. And then you can know for certain how horrible I am!" She said quickly, holding my hand to her chest like it was a lifeline keeping me from running away.
"Please," she whispered, begging. "I promise, you'll never have to see me again if that's what you want, but you have to know the truth first."
The truth. That was what I was terrified of.
But the truth was that I would never, ever choose to let her go. I couldn't.
So, if this was her… if that small traitorous part of me that actually had hope - the part of me that had believed her when she kissed me just minutes ago - if it was right, and I said no now. I would never forgive myself. I would never commit a worse sin.
"Never seeing you again, Edythe… that's all I ever see," I whispered, slowly pulling my wrist away from her grip… and letting my fingers intertwine with hers. I was so scared. I needed to hold her hand. I needed her.
She didn't say anything. She just looked at me like a terrified doe, caught between flight and trust, waiting to see if I'd run. Slowly, I brought her hand to my lips and pressed a soft kiss against it. It was partly for me, to anchor myself in this moment - which it did help immensely - but mostly for her—to reassure her that I was gonna stay at least for now.
"Okay… okay… if you're not real, then I… I'm going to just… I don't know what I'll do," I said, closing my eyes, and kissing her knuckle again, hoping it would keep me sane. When I opened my eyes again, I saw how relieved she was. Maybe my kiss was helping to relax her as well. "But what happens if you are, if you're telling me the truth, what happens?"
She took a steadying breath. I was sure that the shaky ground I felt like I was standing on, was just as uneven for her.
"Once I prove to you that I am as true as the words I'm saying now, and you see that I'm real. Then I'm going to prove next, how badly I need you in my life. I will get on my knees, and beg for you to take me back." She took another breath… it was like watching someone swimming, barely being able to breathe - to keep their head above water as they tried to stay afloat. But I could see the determination in her eyes… She wanted to survive. She wanted to convince me.
It made the idea of running away from this even harder.
"And if you can find it in your heart to do so," she continued. "If you have such an immense compassion in you, that even I underestimated… then I will spend the rest of eternity making up for the wrongs I have committed against you. And I swear I will never leave you again."
"Don't promise that," he whispered quickly, pressing her knuckle to my lips. "Please," I breathed against her skin.
"Why not?" She asked quietly.
"Because if you promise, and then break it… angel… Edythe, I won't survive it."
"I promise," she repeated quietly, ignoring my groan.
Hope was pouring into my head… that tiny voice from before was screaming at me to let her talk, to let her promise. To let myself believe.
"Beau, I wouldn't ever risk harming you, not after what I've done. I promise I'm not going anywhere. I am so sure that I will keep my word that I don't consider it a risk that it will end with your pain."
"I do," I said faintly. I very much considered this a risk.
But she flinched, and I instantly felt horrible for saying it out loud.
"That's fair," she whispered.
"No, it's not," I said quickly, my voice becoming a little more steady as I spoke. "This - like everything else - is on me, angel. If what you're saying is true - if you're real - then all you did was make a mistake. These are all just my stupid feelings getting in the way."
"You more than anyone I know, deserve to feel, Beau."
"I wish I wouldn't," I said mostly to myself. If I could turn my feelings off, life would be so much easier. Not that I would.
"I'm so sorry," she whimpered. I felt like crap again. Why do I always say the wrong thing!?
"You are forgiven," I say with exasperation. For her and her endless guilt, and my stupid way of talking that just never gets through to her. "I don't know if you're real or not, but if you are… if you really are, then I want you to know that you are completely, and utterly forgiven. You always have been - as unnecessary as it is to say."
"If I'm forgiven, then why can't you trust me when I say I'm real," she asks timidly, looking up at me through her dark lashes. It made my heart break.
"Because it's not you that I don't trust," I say quickly.
"Can you explain that to me please," she whispered, biting her lip.
I can't screw this up. If she's real, then I need to say this right. She needs to know that this is all my fault… After this, we can do her plan, and we can go into town… but I just… I needed her to know this.
I considered my words as carefully as I could, and after a minute, I said, "Do you know why you can't read my mind?"
"You know I only have theories." She gave me a confused look coupling it with the sad one.
"I do. But do you know that I have a theory of my own?" I say with a helpless shrug. I just knew I was gonna sound like a moron, saying all the stupid things I've been wondering about.
"I've thought about this all year… about everything really. But this was one way I distracted myself, back when I was human, and couldn't sleep." I started, shaking my head with frustration. "You once told me that when someone becomes a vampire, they bring with them their strongest attributes? And it becomes stronger right?"
"Yes," she said. I took a breath.
"Well, that's my theory. My strongest attribute is my fear, and that's what I brought over," I said simply, hoping that this would be good enough to convince her.
"W-what do you mean?" She asked in a small voice.
I grunted and forced my lips into a grim smile. With a free hand, I gestured to myself. "Angel, a long time ago, before I even knew you existed, I kept myself safe. I never let anyone in - I never let anyone get close to me. Not mentally, not physically, not emotionally. The closest I ever came was with Charlie and Renee, and even that was… difficult.
"But then, I met you, just one random day, I saw you." I lightly kissed her hand again. "This perfect angel. Beauty incarnate in every way. A goddess walking among lowly mortals for no other reason than because she wanted to be like them." I paused, squeezing her hand as she looked at me with wonder. "I fell in love with you right then and there. I didn't realize it at the time, because, like I said, I'm terrified of letting others in, but after a while, after a lot of back and forth, and a ton of work… the most unfathomable thing happened."
I looked deep into her eyes, and I tried to pour all of my emotion into my look as I held her hand to my chest.
"You loved me too. Simple, boring, nobody me."
I laughed breathlessly, with wonder, and pain.
"I do love you," She said, stone still but looking on the verge of tears.
"That's what I thought. And I let you in because of it. For the first time ever… I let my walls down, and I allowed myself the chance to love." My hand in hers let go, and I moved it to her beautiful face, running my thumb along her cheek. "And I do not regret one single moment. I would take my pain of the last year a thousand times over if it meant I got to remember the love you had for me."
She opened her mouth to say something, but I quickly put my thumb to her lip, stopping her. I had to get this out.
"But I died. I became like you, and my greatest attribute made that pain so much worse. It reminded me how alone I was, it gave me a memory so perfect that it tortured me with it, and it reminded me of everything you said - all of which I assumed was true right from the start. How could it not have been? How could someone like you… someone so perfect… love someone like me? Someone so ordinary, and… and just nothing.
"My fear manifested as a shield, a way to keep me safe when my fantasy crumbled. When you left, I broke under its weight. The walls I built to keep others out? You were already inside. So when you walked away, all that fear could do was ease the pain. It hurt too much to be apart from you, so it conjured up a version of you, a dream to hold onto."
"And now you can't tell if it's trying to keep you safe or if I'm really here," she whispered brokenly. I nodded.
"I want to believe you, but my angel has tried to take care of me for so long now. It's tried to comfort me, and it's tried to make me move on before, like this… well, not like this, this feels real," I stuttered out. "But I can't tell if this is some way you're trying to give me closure, or if you're really my Edythe. But I know either way, it's gonna hurt like hell."
I closed my eyes again, biting the inside of my cheek to try and stop the emotional torrent running through me. Everything I was saying was what I felt, and thought, and I was terrified that I was ruining everything.
"Why would me being real harm you, Beau?" She asked, making me open my eyes with her velvet words.
"If you're real Edythe. If you're really here, that means you're telling the truth right now. It means you did lie before, and it means you could lie again… you could leave again," I whispered, my voice breaking by the end. "You're completely forgiven for any pain that you think may have caused me, and for whatever danger you think you put me in… but you still lied, and as much as I want to. I don't think I can forget that. My heart won't let me. This stupid shield… it… I can't ignore the risk."
My thumb ran along her cheek with longing, wishing I could pull her into a kiss. Wishing I could just let all my stupid hang-ups go. I wish I could just not be a psycho who can't tell if the girl in his hand is real or not.
"I can endure this pain I'm in now, because I know that Edythe left me for her own happiness. I can endure it knowing that the only one torturing me is myself. But if I trust her again… if I trust her again, and she leaves…" I whispered, my words sounding as nervous as I felt. "This is my fault, and I'm sorry angel."
Neither one of us said anything. I didn't have anything else to say.
We just stared into each other's eyes, and I watched as her beautiful mind raced to catch up with my ridiculous ideas. I could see the cogs spinning in her head as she looked at me.
After only a minute, she looked at me with a sudden fire. Holding her head just a little higher. She put a hand on mine - the one holding her face.
"Beau, can I tell you one of my theories," she asked gently, but firmly.
I gave her a little nod. I was scared to say anything else - worried I'd choke on the words.
"You think your greatest attribute is fear. But I disagree." Her hand wrapped around mine, halting my gentle caress but keeping my palm there, letting her lean into it. "I believe it's bravery."
My silence was all the words I needed to speak. We both knew I didn't believe that. But she kept going anyway.
"I think you're the bravest person I've ever known in my hundred years, Beau. Every single challenge life has thrown at you, you've faced it with such grace and strength, and it has been nothing short of incredible."
I shook my head, looking down at my feet.
"Listen to me. I can list every one of the monsters you've successfully overcome purely due to your bravery," she said firmly, making me look back up at her. "You ran to Joss, knowing you'd die a horrible, painful death because you wanted to save your mother."
So? It was a trick. It wasn't bravery… it was… it was stupidity.
"She wasn't really there."
"But you didn't know that it doesn't change a thing," she said.
"Angel," I whispered, closing my eyes.
"You w-were bitten, and went through the change, all by yourself, and you didn't harm a single person. Carine is the only known vampire to have ever done the same." She had a wonder to her words that made me ache. How could she see that as an accomplishment… the bare minimum of not being a monster is not killing an innocent… it was nothing.
"I had my hallucinations keeping me in check, and I don't have the same thirst as you."
"Whether your mind manifested a visual aid to help you doesn't matter - it was still your mind, and your choices and thirst was not the only obstacle you'd have had to overcome. Learning to control your strength, your speed, everything - all to keep your family and friends safe from Victor." She spit the name with hate.
"Who I never actually had to deal with," I denied.
"Would you not stand in his way if it meant protecting them?" She asked.
"Of course, I would."
"Then there's your answer." She smiled… it was shaky, but I could see how proud she was… it hurt like all hell. She didn't see what I was going through. If she did, she might have stopped.
"And, you saved me, from what most would equate to the worst of our kind in Italy. You flew after a woman who you believed didn't love you; ready to fight, and die to keep her safe. All the while knowing how much it would hurt, knowing you'd be leaving her before she could hurt you again." At these words, she choked up, smiling as she bit her lip.
"Isn't that fear?" I asked.
"No. You may have left at the end due to fear, but it was an earned reprieve. It was as you viewed it, a reward, for everything you've done," She said firmly, leaning further into my hand. "I'm assuming that's how you thought of it, correct?"
I gave her the tiniest nod, and she took a deep breath again, nuzzling my hand.
"And lastly, the worst sort of pain you had to brave, came from the person who loves you more than anyone. You had to endure the torture of my lies for a full year. Going through everything you have been, while I… while I let you think…" She said with a broken voice. I kissed her forehead, and she shuddered, pulling herself back together to finish. "But you survived… and arguably have thrived in many ways I would never have ever accomplished myself. I believe that the shield around your heart and mind is a tool for your strength. They are there to help you be the brave man I know you are, it's not fear, it's not cowardice. It is pure, and utter bravery.
She placed her hand on my face, mirroring the way I had held hers, and in that moment, everything shifted. That gentle touch was the only thing holding me together, the only thing keeping me from sinking to my knees. It filled me with a warmth that wrapped around my heart like a lifeline, reminding me that I wasn't alone in this chaos.
I let out a choked sob, barely being able to restrain it. To keep it in and hide.
If this wasn't real… if this…
If it turns out that she was my angel and not Edythe, then this was the exact thing I was worried about. The love I feel for her. The words she's saying, that are holding the pieces of my heart together… if she's not real, then it shatters.
"Beau, right now, I have never been more scared in my life," she admitted, her voice shaking. "I am terrified that you won't give me the chance to prove how much I love you. I'm begging you; please, be brave… just one more time, and let me show you that I will not betray your trust again."
I choked out another sob, and she leaned up into me, pressing her head against mine.
"Please… I know I don't deserve it… but please, Beau," she begged.
We stood there, holding each other, keeping each other from falling apart in the silence - both of us waiting to hear what I was about to say.
The voices in my head… the ones screaming at me to run, were just gone, drowned out by the ones yelling for me to accept, to give into the love I felt.
I took a deep breath. And I took the plunge, "I trust you," I whispered. "If you're real Edythe… I trust you," I repeated.
And like that, her lips found mine, pulling me into a frantic, passionate kiss as I wrapped my arms around her waist, holding her close, and letting myself hope again, for the first time, in a very long time.
It was magic, and fantasy, and everything I'd lost coming back to me in one glorious moment of trust, and love. And I gave her absolutely everything I could - I poured all of my feelings into this kiss to show her that I trusted her. That I loved her, and that I was never, ever letting her go again… if she was real.
We stayed like that for so long, lost in the moment, that when we pulled apart the sun was noticeably farther away. I didn't let her go though. Like I said, I was never letting her go again; we were gonna be glued to each other for the rest of eternity if I had anything to say about it.
She looked at me with a dazzling smile, her dimples on full blast as she laughed. It was like all the weight had gone from her shoulders.
"Come on. I'm taking you back to Chief Swan - as I should have done immediately upon our exit in Italy. You can see I am in fact real, and then we can move on to my atonement," she giggled, kissing my lips again.
"Your atonement?" I asked, pressing my head to hers with a grin. In my head, I'm praying this is real… this is everything I've ever wanted.
"I still have not explained in depth all of my failures, Beau. I know you say you have forgiven me - and I know you blame yourself for them… which is ludicrous, but I would like you to know how far my transgressions go before you decide where the blame should be laid, and if it's worth forgiving."
I just shrug, kissing her this time, my lips brushing against hers… it was heaven. "Whatever you'd like to do, we can. If you're real, then I honestly don't care about anything other than just being with you, angel."
"You will have to explain why you're calling me that," she said breathlessly as we pulled back.
"Do you not like me calling you that?" I asked.
She didn't say anything for a moment.
"I don't understand it, but I love it."
Hey gang,
So, first off I wanna say that I'm really sorry for being late... again. This is gonna be the last time that I am. Probably. I literally moved yesterday - like I was on a flight from like nine to four. So, I'm really super sorry! ε(*´·ω·)з
Now, on the actual chapter itself - I think that this may be one of my favorite chapters. This is the most important chapter I think I've ever written for My Angel. So important that I went and delayed another story.
It is everything that I wanted to see in the og New Moon - this chapter is one of the main reasons I wanted to write this story. Them reconciling their feelings and their pain. It's everything I wanted to write. And I honestly love it so much, that I wouldn't even be too against the idea of just leaving it here, at ending it at chapter 26. (Which of course, I'm not. Still gotta talk to Charlie, Renee, the Cullens, and the pack, and everything. It's really just a matter of figuring out where I'm gonna split where this will end and moving on to its sequel.)
I do need to polish it up a little, slow some parts down, speed some up, and rework some dialogue... but it's mainly finished, and I really hope you all liked it. I'm really proud of it.
Sorry for posting so late (I was trying to fix it up as best I can lol), and I'm sorry about the delay for Distractions, I'll post when Venice comes out soon.
Have an absolutely great night everybody!
Please do check out my profile for more of My Angel.