Monica observed her reflection in her bedroom mirror with glum satisfaction. Her hair was perfectly smooth and shiny, her outfit was flattering in a way that was entirely appropriate for a relaxed pizza date, and her make up was subtle, but pretty.

Everything was perfect, except for the fact she really did not want to go.

As she trudged from her room with a despondent sigh she was startled to find Chandler sitting at her kitchen table, drinking chocolate milk, and looking every bit as gloomy as she felt.

"Hey" she greeted him tentatively.

His unexpected appearance had rendered her a little breathless and she broke eye contact as quickly as she could bear to. Losing herself in Chandler's gaze was certainly not going to help her find any enthusiasm for this date.

"So you're actually going to go out with him then?"

After days of awkward and stilted communication between the two of them, Monica was quite taken aback that Chandler would suddenly be so forthright, and she noticed that he looked almost as surprised as she was to hear such a bluntly worded question emerge from his own lips.

As she stared back at him mutely, the bravest, most spontaneous version of herself was screaming inside her head, "Ask me not to go! Just tell me you don't want me to go out with him, and I won't!"

But, as was so often the case, this impetuous inner voice was quickly smothered by rationality and good sense.

Which was surely for the best.

After all, it was this brave, spontaneous Monica's fault that they were in this mortifying situation in the first place: Hurling her body at his and kissing him like that, after one too many drinks in London had given her free rein.

Once she had been set loose, it had been surprisingly difficult to bring Spontaneous Monica back under control, and if Phoebe's labor had not prevented their trip to Atlantic City she almost certainly would have had her way again. And who knows where that would have led?

So now Sensible Monica was left to clear up the mess, trying desperately to restore the equilibrium, and determined not to lose one of her closest friends over what she was coming to accept had been a massive error of judgement.

She still could not fathom how either she or Chandler had ever thought that it would be possible for two friends as close as they were, and with as much history as they had, to breach that unspoken but crystal clear line without opening a huge can of emotional worms.

In Monica's experience, sex was seldom entirely meaningless or completely devoid of sentiment, so the very idea that she could possibly have thought that involving herself in such a way with her sweetest, funniest and most loyal companion without evoking a torrent of intense feeling was laughable. Throwing herself at Chandler for comfort sex was an ill-conceived idea that had "heartbreak" written all over it, as had since been proven beyond doubt.

When Chandler had flippantly described their night together in London as "nothing", the level of devastation Monica had felt was beyond ridiculous, especially since in her heart, she knew very well that he could not possibly mean it. She knew Chandler well enough to know that his words had not been intended to wound her as they had, and she also trusted that he cared deeply for her, as a friend. That night had meant something to him too: Something beyond the delicious lingering spark of undeniable sexual tension that had failed to dissipate. After hours of heart-wrenching deliberation she had eventually concluded that Chandler's blithe indifference had most likely been cultivated as a self-protective response to hearing about the date Rachel had arranged for Monica without her permission. The date she was somberly preparing for right now.

In any event, the emotional roller coaster they had been riding since London was proof that if they were to bring their friendship back from the brink, the two of them needed to move on from whatever this was, and avoid any further complications. Spontaneous Monica might still be hungering for the fire of Chandler's touch and dreaming of feeling his lips upon hers, but the rest of her was desperately missing her best friend. She craved a return of their easy banter, the shared wry glances, the occasional affectionate cuddles in the armchair, and she simply could not bear the awkwardness that now shrouded their every interaction. She was determined to find a way back to normality.

"Yeah, it looks like it." she responded to his question dourly, her eyes cast towards the floor.

Great start.

"Of course she's going!" Rachel interjected firmly. She could not wait to spend some time with the gorgeous nurse she had allocated for herself and was determined not to let Monica's incomprehensible reservations ruin their night.

Both Monica and Chandler turned around in surprise, neither having noticed their friend's arrival in the room.

"I don't know why you're being so grumpy about it! Dan's gorgeous! Tell her Chandler!" Rachel commanded, spritzing perfume liberally over her wrists.

"He's not really my type," Chandler muttered sarcastically, averting his eyes and making a hasty grab for a newspaper that lay discarded on the table; hoping that if he absorbed himself in some current affairs, he might dissuade any further conversation whilst simultaneously disguising his embarrassment and upset.

Rachel rolled her eyes at his lack of cooperation.

"Come on Mon, you haven't had a date in months, you've been acting all weird ever since London. You just need to put yourself back out there! Have some fun!"

"Yes, OK! Thank you Rachel!" Monica fumed exasperatedly, feeling her cheeks color at the mere mention of London, and trying not to allow her gaze to flicker towards Chandler.

"You seemed really into Dan when I introduced you guys at the hospital. I just don't understand why you're suddenly getting cold feet!" Rachel continued as she took a compact from her purse and adjusted her lipstick.

Monica turned towards the sink to fill a glass of water and hide her face. She was definitely blushing now.

She really was not proud of the way she had flirted with Dan in that delivery room.

It had all been for Chandler's benefit, of course, and she knew that using Dan like that had been neither fair nor mature. She had not done it because she wanted to make Chandler jealous, although that had been a clear consequence, she had really just wanted to arouse a reaction; any reaction; from him.

The way he seemed to have flipped a switch that day, and gone from desirous glances, suspected hotel room subterfuge and near kisses in the hallway to appearing completely apathetic to Rachel's attempt to set her up with another man, breezily informing her that their London encounter had been "nothing", had left her feeling at that moment, confused, unsettled and deeply hurt.

Her feigned display of attraction towards Dan had been nothing more than provocation. She had wanted to anger Chandler into revealing his true feelings. His palpable envy had led her to believe that it might just have worked, but then the arrival of Phoebe's babies had disrupted things.

Their conversation after the triplets had arrived had then followed a similar tack: Chandler's sweet attempts to offer comfort had done nothing but frustrate Monica, and she had found herself deliberately twisting his words, goading him, in the hope that an honest conversation would ensue, and offer her clarification on where the two of them stood.

For a moment there she had really thought she had cracked it.

"I'm pretty sure I offered to be your back-up. We both know someone will have snapped you up way before then."

"Like who?"

She had turned to him, face to face, daring him to tell her that he wanted her. Pleading with him to say it.

And for a moment there, she really thought he might. In actual fact, there had been a second when she had thought he might not say anything at all; that instead, he might just take her breath away with the bruising kiss she so desired. That would have done it.

But then he had suggested that Dan might be the man for her, and she was the one who had been left feeling angry and provoked. And so dreadfully hurt.

After a few days of obsessing over it all, her anger had subsided and she had begun to think that maybe the sensible part of him had just won out: That maybe, Spontaneous Chandler was being smothered in the same way that Spontaneous Monica was.

And perhaps that was a good thing.

Because whilst Monica could perfectly imagine falling back into Chandler's arms in a heartbeat; over and over again; she found it impossible to believe that she could do so without becoming dangerously attached to him.

Could she really imagine herself in a relationship with Chandler?

It was a suggestion that had always seemed way too weird to consider before London: Not because Chandler was in any way unattractive, or unsuitable; but because the two of them were so close it had always seemed somehow improper to think of him that way.

If she was being honest with herself, she had started to be able to imagine a relationship with him the moment they had taken that leap. And why not? Chandler was gorgeous in every way possible. She loved the guy. And London had established that they shared lightening in a bottle level chemistry. However, Monica was quite sure that for Chandler, any hint of a relationship that strayed beyond the purely sexual, would send him running for the hills. He was renowned for struggling with commitment of any kind and she could tell that he found her unconcealed desire for a husband and family somewhat terrifying, even when not directed at him.

It was not as though she had any burning desire to rush headlong into any of those things with Chandler. All she had really wanted, was the chance to further explore this exciting new development in their dynamic. She had not wanted to label it or mold it into anything it was not. But what she could not do, was embark upon a relationship with him knowing that it could never possibly lead anywhere. Because a failed relationship with Chandler was a scenario that was just too painful to contemplate.

This was what had ultimately made it clear to her: If they wanted to resuscitate their friendship, and go back to how things were, they had to move past what had happened in London.

The trouble was, she really did not want to move on from it. And certainly not like this.

Sure, Dan was irrefutably handsome, and had seemed like a perfectly nice guy to boot, but Monica had to accept that for now, every single butterfly in her stomach and every flutter in her heart belonged to Chandler, and Chandler alone.

"Are you nearly ready, anyway? Noah and Dan will be here in about 20 minutes" Rachel pressed on, not bothering to hide the mounting irritation in her voice.

Monica spun around in shock, "I thought we were meeting them at the pizza place?"

She wasn't sure why, but the idea of Dan coming here, to her apartment, made her feel even more uncomfortable.

Rachel looked at her with impatient bafflement "Well Noah said they would walk us down there. Why's that a problem?"

"It's not" Monica muttered, her eyes darting towards Chandler, who was shuffling with the pages of his newspaper and making a move to stand.

"I'll leave you ladies to it. Enjoy your date." He addressed them casually, without so much as a glance in Monica's direction.

"Thanks" Rachel replied, her narrowed eyes still scrutinizing Monica, who looked inexplicably close to tears.

The pizza had been decent; the conversation had flowed readily; Dan was a really pleasant and interesting guy, as was Noah. Rachel's attraction to her own date had certainly not dwindled and she had wasted no time in showcasing her elite level flirting.

It had been a successful evening for Monica too, in that it had achieved everything she had hoped it would: She'd had a little fun, and the amiable company of Rachel and the two nurses had taken her mind off the mess she had made with Chandler for a few hours at least. The evening was drawing to an end on a positive note.

But then Rachel invited the two men back for a drink at their place and Monica was suddenly anxious. The date had been fine, but she really did not want to extend the evening beyond pizza and chat.

As they approached their building Rachel linked her arm with Monica's and asked her quietly, "Hey, I just remembered we're out of beers and Noah doesn't drink wine. Could you call in and ask Chandler if we could borrow a couple?"

"No!" Monica replied instantly, "Why should I ask him?"

"Oh please! He'll be more likely to say yes to you!" Rachel whined, "You're his favorite!"

Monica felt ridiculous that even this offhand remark brought a tear to her eyes. Her emotions had been running wild since London and she was beginning to feel like a complete wreck.

"I'm not asking him." Monica asserted with a firm hiss, untangling Rachel's arm from her own, "It was your idea to invite them back."

"Fine." Rachel glared, "I'll ask him".

The mere mention of Chandler had caused a dark cloud of dejection to descend once more upon Monica. Rachel rolled her eyes as she observed the return of her friend's melancholic expression, and turned away from her, hanging back to walk next to Noah and flashing him her most alluring smile.

"Chandler! I said, do you think she'll find him?" Joey repeated his question loudly, puncturing Chandler's daydream.

Is it still a daydream, if it's more akin to a nightmare? Because that was closer to how Chandler felt about his torturous imaginings about how Monica's evening with Dan might be progressing.

"Sorry. Who?"

"The kid who was asleep on the yacht before it caught fire? Do you think Caroline will find him?"

Joey observed Chandler's blank expression with curiosity. "Are you even watching this?" he asked, gesturing towards the TV.

Chandler realized that his glazed eyes may have been staring at the screen but not even the tiniest amount of this particular Baywatch story line had penetrated his brain. Even though Yasmine Bleeth was at its front and center. In fact, he could not even remember admiring a single bathing suit.

Ever since he and Joey had heard a throng of voices ringing out in the hallway Chandler's already morose mood had plummeted further still. The voices had been both male and female and sufficient in number to indicate that Monica and Rachel had returned home from their double date, and it had obviously gone so well that they had decided to invite their two cute nurses back to their place.

"Uh... yeah. Yeah, of course she'll find him. Caroline's the best in the business." he muttered in reply.

Joey frowned "Yeah... but she's off her game. And she's not the only one. What's going on, man?"

"Nothing! I'm totally fine." Chandler assured him coolly, swallowing down the throbbing ache that he had been unable to shift from his chest all evening.

Rachel suddenly appeared in their doorway, her eyes bright and eager "Hey! Do you guys have beers? We're all out and Noah doesn't drink wine."

Joey turned towards her with a knowing smile, "Ahh! We thought we heard you guys! Good date then?"

Rachel grinned toothily, "So great! Noah is so yummy!" she whispered excitedly, before repeating with impatience, "So do you have any beers?"

"No" Chandler informed her grumpily, "We only have four left. And we need those."

If Dan was going to come around here seducing Monica, he could provide his own cool refreshments.

Rachel and Joey both stared at him in surprise.

"What?" he groused "If Dan wanted beers, he should have picked up his own!"

"They're not for Dan. He likes wine." Rachel told him scathingly, "They're for Noah. Come on Chandler, why are you being such a douche? You're always taking our stuff! just let me have a couple of them! I'll drop a bottle of wine over for you guys if you need more to drink!"

"Fine. Take them." he mumbled, as a nauseating image of Monica curled up on the couch with Dan, sipping seductively at a glass of wine, troubled his mind.

"Thank you" Rachel replied pointedly, exchanging a look of bemused annoyance with Joey before rifling through the fridge to retrieve the beer. "See you guys later."

"Have fun!" Joey called after her before turning back to Chandler "Seriously dude, what is with you?"

"Nothing!" Chandler insisted "I was just looking forward to kicking back with a few beers! Last I heard, that wasn't a crime!"

Joey raised his hands, signalling his baffled defeat, and returned his attention to the TV, allowing Chandler to fester silently in his lounger.

Noah and Rachel were getting on like a house on fire, and the amount of flirting, touching and giggling was really beginning to grate upon Monica, mainly because it stood in such stark contrast to her own rather more staid connection with Dan. He was a really nice guy and she felt bad for him that he had been assigned such a dud of a date.

In reality, it had not been so terrible: The two of them had chatted away affably enough, Dan was a good conversationalist and she really did like him. He seemed sweet and kind, he was incredibly intelligent and she loved that he spoke with such passion about his work. In fact she could acknowledge, with a little bitterness, that if she had met Dan just a few months ago, there is a good chance she might have become quickly smitten. But right now, romantically speaking, she felt nothing at all.

He seemed to like her well enough, and had attempted to move a little closer to her on the sofa on a number of occasions. But Monica was on high alert, and every time she had felt him draw near she had leapt to her feet, as quick as a cat, and busied herself, refreshing drinks or clearing glasses.

"This apartment really is so great," Noah remarked glancing around admiringly. "You're so lucky to have a little outdoor space" he gestured towards the balcony.

"Yeah it's pretty nice out there. You wanna come check it out?" Rachel smiled back at him flirtatiously.

This was the moment Monica had really been dreading. She had known all evening that at some point Rachel would want to slope off for a little alone time with Noah, leaving her on her own with Dan.

So before they could leave for the balcony she sprung up from the couch. "Well this has been great! But it's getting late and I have a ridiculously early start tomorrow so I'm going to head for bed. Thanks so much for a lovely evening" she smiled widely first at Dan, then at Noah.

Rachel was eyeing her darkly and said pointedly, "Mon, honey, I think you're getting mixed up? You said you weren't working until the evening shift tomorrow. So maybe you could just stay up for a little longer? While I give Noah a quick tour of the balcony?"

Monica was seriously annoyed that Rachel had blown her lie wide apart in front of the two men, but fortunately she was prepared.

"Oh, it's not because of work. I have to be up early because I'm taking Ben to daycare" she smiled back sweetly, "Ben's my nephew" she explained to the two men.

Noah and Dan exchanged glances. "Oh, that's OK. We should probably head off.."

Noah was clearly disappointed to miss out on balcony time with Rachel, but leaving Dan completely alone, the other side of the window, in the girls' living room would be rather awkward for all concerned.

Rachel scowled at Monica before quickly suggesting "OK, well I guess I'll walk you downstairs, Noah, while Monica says goodbye to Dan."

It was Monica's turn to glare now, as Rachel shot her a smug smile before grabbing Noah's arm and dragging him towards the hallway before Monica could find a way to object.

Left abruptly alone, the pair exchanged an awkward smile before Dan eventually said "It was really nice meeting you Monica."

"Yeah, it was great to meet you too" she concurred nervously.

"I'd, uh, really like to see you again some time... if you'd like that?" Dan ventured, clearly feeling very unsure of the response he was likely to receive.

Monica gulped. Dan was a nice guy and she did not want to string him along by giving him false hope, but if she was serious about moving on from Chandler, maybe she ought to give herself a bit more time?

She thought back to her relationship with her ex-boyfriend Pete: It had taken her a good while to be able to ignite any kind of sexual chemistry with him, so perhaps she just needed to exercise a little patience when it came to Dan? The crucial difference was, her troubles with Pete hadn't been caused by an all consuming desire for her best friend.

"Yeah. That'd be nice." she eventually agreed with contrived enthusiasm.

Dan looked relieved, his shoulders relaxing a little as his face melted into a grin "Great! I'll give you a call."

"Well, thanks again for a great evening" he smiled, extending his arms to encourage her into a farewell hug which she accepted. When they began to pull apart from each other, he looked expectantly down at her, leaning towards her as their eyes locked. Monica was completely paralyzed for a moment. She could not do this. There was only one set of lips she wanted on hers right now and as Dan's face came closer to hers she leaned in quickly towards him at an adjusted angle, ensuring that his lips missed their intended target and brushed her cheek instead.

She tried to ignore the confusion on his face as he wished her goodnight.

As she stood at the doorway and watched him disappear from view as he descended the stairs, her eyes came to rest upon the boys' apartment. She took a deep breath and snatched up a bottle of red wine from the kitchen counter as a surge of fervent desperation compelled her towards their door.

She burst into Apartment 19 to find Chandler sitting alone and sullen-faced in his lounger. He stared back at her for a moment, apparently taken-aback by her unexpected appearance, before rising from his seat, his brow knitting in concern "Are you OK? What happened?"

"Nothing" she assured him breathlessly, "I just wanted to bring you this." she held up the bottle of wine "In exchange for the beer."

Chandler shuffled his feet and looked down at them awkwardly, "It's fine. You don't have to do that" he mumbled, feeling embarrassed that Rachel had apparently relayed his unwillingness to share his Budweiser.

"How was your evening?" he asked gruffly.

"It was OK" she told him "But Dan's gone home now"

He nodded and looked away awkwardly.

"I don't know why I felt like I needed to come over here to tell you that, but I did" she blurted out suddenly.

"I guess, I don't want you to think London didn't mean anything to me, or that I forgot about you and what happened between us, and just moved on to Dan right away. London meant so much to me, and I haven't moved on. I know we have to do that, because it's the best thing for our friendship, but I'm finding this all really weird and so, so hard Chandler!" she told him honestly.

As the jumble of words spilled freely from her lips, a profuse sense of release triggered an immediate flow of tears "And I hate that everything feels so awkward between us now. I just... I really miss you. "

As soon as he heard that sob escape from her throat, Chandler was across that room in a heartbeat, ready to envelop her in his arms.

"I know" he whispered into her hair, "I miss you too."

"And I'm sorry for what I said at the hospital. I was just being a jealous idiot because Joey told me about your date. London wasn't nothing. It meant a lot to me too. You mean a lot to me."

"I never would have arranged that date with Dan. I didn't even want to go -"

"Mon, it's alright . We agreed to move on. And that means you'll go on dates. And I'll learn to be OK with that again." he mumbled comfortingly, but his voice betrayed a complete lack of belief that even he could detect.

As she buried her face into his chest, he spoke more confidently, "We will be OK, you know? We'll get through this. You're my best friend."

She wanted to look up into his face, but she was too afraid. For despite all of her good intentions, she could feel herself reacting to the proximity she had been yearning for, and she was sure that the moment she connected with his turquoise eyes she would be unable to prevent herself from dragging his lips towards hers.

She kept her face pressed firmly against his chest, feeling her tears dampening his shirt. But breathing in his scent was not helping her. Her formidable want for him was threatening to completely overwhelm her now: Good sense and rational argument was no match for an instinct that seemed to be a part of her, at some deep cellular level she never knew existed before.

She could feel her knuckles paling as she gripped desperately at his shirt, when the hand he ran over her back in an intended gesture of comfort, blazed trails of electricity down her spine.

"What are you doing?" Rachel demanded as she flung open the door, "I thought you needed an "early night"?"

Monica's impulse was to leap guiltily away from Chandler at the sound of her roommate's voice, but Chandler had the wherewithal to hold her in place by moving his arm casually to her shoulder as she turned to face her friend. Physical contact between the two of them was frequent enough not to arouse Rachel's suspicions in the way that the two of them flying apart as she entered the room might.

"She brought this over" Chandler lifted the bottle of wine from the counter, "To replace the beers you stole".

Rachel ignored his petulant and accusatory response and examined Monica's face "Why are you crying?"

Monica glanced up at Chandler, but knew that he would struggle to find an explanation for her very obvious tears.

"I don't really know!" she shook her head honestly, "Maybe I just feel a little stupid that the date went so badly".

Rachel tilted her head, finally sympathetic "It didn't go badly. Dan really liked you." she reassured "Did you not like him?"

Monica could feel Chandler's arm beginning to drop from her shoulder and she huddled closer to him insistently, desperate to prolong the physical contact.

"I don't know what's wrong with me." she managed to mutter.

"Come on". Rachel pulled her away from Chandler and into her own embrace "Just give it time. And don't be so hard on yourself. Let's head home".

She began to usher Monica towards the door. "Goodnight Chandler, enjoy your wine" she told him pointedly.

"Thanks Chandler," Monica managed to choke out as she looked back at him with large forlorn eyes.

"Night Mon" he replied gently, offering her what he hoped would pass as a genuine and comforting smile, before reaffirming "It will all be OK".