Winter's Refuge

Chapter One Hundred Forty-Seven

HEYES

"NOO!" I yelled, not caring that they heard me inside. I stumbled to my feet in the darkness and found the front door. I pounded on it with two fists, fighting tears, and wanting to disbelieve what I had just witnessed.

LOM

The Kid pulled the trigger…and nothing happened. He pulled it again with the same result. Throwing the gun across his cell, he fell to his knees in a heap, crying, "I'm such a failure, I can't even kill myself."

Frank threw the keys out of the cell, saying, "Lom, Aiden, Father get in here." He knelt next to the Kid and untied the ropes, letting them fall to the floor where they hit.

The Kid didn't notice but kept crying. Took me a while but I finally understood what he was chanting. "Wanted to be with Trinity Rose. She needs me. She's alone."

Aiden took charge. "Help me get him on the bed, Frank. And Lom, go get Heyes. I'm sure that's him banging on the front door. Bring him down here. I thought I saw him around those windows. Father, while you're praying, can you take those two buckets of water to the kitchen for now? I'll need them later."

When I reached the front door, it was unlocked but a hysterical Heyes was pounding on it. He almost fell in when I pulled the door open.

"Lom, Lom, the Kid," he said through tears.

"The Kid's alive, Heyes. Do you hear me? He's alive!" I shook him and spoke to him firmly. I put my arm around his waist and pulled him into the house.

"A…a…al…alive? B…but I saw…" he questioned.

"Yes, alive. The gun wasn't loaded."

"S…see K...Kid? he asked.

"That's where we're going. But Heyes, he's not the Kid you know right now."

HEYES

I didn't quite believe that the Kid was still alive. I saw him pull the trigger. But then I thought for a second; I didn't hear a shot. THERE WAS NO SHOT! Maybe he was still alive. I stopped at the door before going down to his cell. There was light streaming up to me and I could hear the Kid crying…or wailing…or keening like someone had died.

"Need help on the stairs, Heyes?" Lom asked, and I realized I had been standing at the top for a few moments.

"No, I'm fine. I'll follow you down." And I went down those stairs deliberately, slowly, thinking, planning. I need to be strong for the Kid. This must be the depression that the doctor had told us about. He's on his side facing the wall on his cot but rocking and crying. I'd seen him like this before at Valparaiso. Then, I took him out to the stable and held him and let him cry it out. It scared me. I didn't understand it. And that was the day I started making plans for the two of us to leave that place. Should I tell Dr. Arden about that time? Right now, I want to get to the Kid.

Stopping one step from the bottom, I could see the worried looks on the doctor's and Sheriff Birde's faces. "Better that this happened here than somewhere in the woods or the barn when he was alone," said the sheriff.

Concerned, the doctor answered, "Only two good things about this. He wasn't alone and he wasn't successful."

"My brother Floyd made sure he was alone," Birde lamented.

Dr. Arden moved his face next to the Kid's. "Jed, Jed, can you look at me? You're safe."

I stood up straight and walked right into the cell. The other men stepped back. I reminded myself to be strong, in control, and talk slowly so my words came out right. The Kid needs me. Sitting down on the cot next to my cousin, I first looked at the doctor. "It's been a long time, but I've seen this before at the Home." Neither one answered me. I laid down next to the Kid and hugged him like he had hugged me in prison. "Kid, it's me. It'll be alright. You've done good, very good. I'm proud of you, and your ma and pa would be, too. Jeddie, it's alright. You're fine now. Rest."

Don't know how long I repeated that, but he got calm and fell asleep. Only then did I stand up and face the other men. "Now can you tell me what's going on? Is the Kid under arrest?"

Looking over at my sleeping partner, Sheriff Birde answered, "We suspected he might try this and were trying to avert it. Arresting him was the only way I could keep a watch over him. And yes, he's under arrest. Had to make it legal to detain him. His private trial is here tomorrow afternoon. I'm betting he will be acquitted."

"I want…"

"Yes, Heyes, you can sit with him at the trial." The sheriff had something else to say but the words weren't coming. I know how that feels.

So, Dr. Arden explained, "Depression is never truly 'cured.' People learn to live with it. You have." He took a deep breath. "When you were in prison, do you remember Jed telling you that your ego was too big for the outside world? That was your biggest struggle. And you conquered it."

I nodded. "Wouldn't have been able to do it without the Kid…and you."

"Well, Jed suffers from the opposite; his depression is accompanied by a bad, low self-esteem. Doesn't think he is worth anything…except for his skill with the gun. He does not see himself as others see him."

"He's so strong…" I started.

"He's the strongest man I know and the one with the biggest heart. But he blames himself for the world's wrongs and refuses to see the good he does. Just like you had to tame that ego, he has to grow his. We have to make him realize his worth," the doctor finished.

"And you're going to do that at that trial tomorrow?" I asked.

"Tried to do it with his visitors but not all of them worked. There are some people coming to testify to his character at the trial that I hope will get through to him. And I'm counting on your help."

The Kid slept for almost two hours in that unlocked cell. Sheriff Birde kept repeating how happy he had taken the bullets out of his gun and that the Kid must have been quite a pickpocket because he never felt him undo the leather strap on his gun or take the gun itself. He was back upstairs before he felt it was gone.

When he said it the first time, I told him that the Kid was one of the best pickpockets with the softest hands I've ever met. He just nodded and said he believed me.

Father Patrick's stream of prayers for the Kid was the only noise until the Kid woke up.

"Heyes?" he asked, looking around at the concerned faces.

"Right here, partner." I went and sat on the cot next to him and brushed his sweaty curls from his face.

Then he remembered. "Oh Heyes, I tried to…"

I interrupted him. "Yes, you did, but the gun wasn't loaded. And I'm glad you failed."

"Did I know it wasn't loaded? It seemed light." He shook his head. "I was just so overwhelmed, so sad."

Dr. Arden didn't move closer, just asked, "And how do you feel now, Jed?"

There was a long silence, and I wasn't sure the Kid was going to answer. "Sad that I tried. I wanted to get to Trinity Rose."

Dr. Arden had the buckets of warm water brought back down. He cleaned the Kid's ankles and put one in each bucket. "Are you hungry?"

The Kid still seemed a bit sleepy. "No food, water, please…sir."

"Heyes, I'm sorry," the Kid whispered. "I don't know what's wrong with me." He rested his head on my shoulder.

"Not sure either, but I'm here and we'll get through it together. I looked around at the men there with me. "And Lom, Frank Birde, Aiden Arden, and Father Patrick are here to help me help you."

Father Patrick looked forlorn. The Kid sat on the side of his cot bent forward, holding his head in his hands. I know he's a grown muscular man, but right now, to me, he looks like a lost, scared little boy with his curls going every which way.

Father kept speaking, "Monsignor Lance's sermons were the last weight that brought him down. He wanted his own revenge and preached that Jed's sins were unforgivable. And Jed believed him and despaired. May I speak to him alone?" he asked.

Sheriff Birde looked around. "Father, you can sit in there and talk to him, but we're all going to be right over there."

We were quiet as we listened.

"Jed, you remember how I told you your sins were forgiven?"

The Kid, eyes red from crying, looked at the priest. "Yes." Then he added, "I mean, yes, sir." His voice was just above a whisper.

"No need to call me sir. You've always called me Father."

The Kid just stared at him for a long minute. "I remember."

"Did you believe me in your heart?" Father asked, matching the volume of his voice to the Kid's.

The Kid had been sitting quietly, but now he grabbed Father Patrick by the shoulders begging, "I want to Father. I really want to. Help me…please." His voice was stronger now, but his tone was defeated.

"I have forgiven your sins. What happened to Three Birds was not your fault. You were doing as God intended and taking care of the beautiful family he gave you."

"He took Trinity Rose from me and Chrissy."

Father Patrick took the Kid's hands off his shoulders and held one in each hand. "We don't know the whys of the Lord, but I do know that Trinity Rose's passing was not a punishment in any way."

"Yes, sir…er, Father."

"I've forgiven your sins in His name. You need to accept that and move on. If He can forgive you, you must forgive yourself. Try to set right what you can but believing that you're still carrying those sins is like telling the Lord you don't believe in him," Father said.

The Kid looked over at me, then back at the priest. "I believe in God. Gramma Curry taught me and Heyes all about Him. And how He loves us all and we should help one another. Always tried to do that."

"Good, Jed. Sounds like you have the 'help others' part pretty well covered. Say a prayer tonight and I'll be praying for you, too. I'll be back tomorrow." Father Patrick stood to leave.

"Father?"

"Yes, Jed."

"Would you say a prayer for Heyes, too, and my family and the men here, too?"

"Yes, my son."

ASJ*****ASJ

In the quiet that followed Father's leaving, Lom went upstairs and brought Wayne back down. Walking in the cell and over to the Kid, he put the baby on his lap. Wayne immediately reached up and put his chubby arms around the Kid's neck. He cuddled the baby while Dr. Arden took his feet out of the water, dried them, and inspected the ankles. "Frank, the rope wasn't any better than the shackles. Going to have to keep these bandaged so they don't get infected."

"That's fine, Doctor." He turned to the Kid. "As Heyes has already told you, we were going to have your trial in two days, but we've moved it up to tomorrow. Your ankles won't need restraints, but your wrists will be cuffed."

"I understand, sir. So you can get me off to prison sooner and out of your house?" the Kid asked, subdued.

"No, there are other reasons. Jed, how do you feel right now?"

"Happy to be alive. Workin' on what Father Patrick told me about forgivin' myself. And I feel like I'm carryin' around a weight on my shoulders all the time tryin' to be a blacksmith and a rancher and a husband and a pa and a partner and a friend and a good neighbor. And tryin' to do all those things real good so people will forget me and Heyes and Chrissy are ex-convicts and think of us as regular people. And…"

I went back into the cell and stopped him from talking. "Kid, we'll all love you if you don't do all…or any…of those things real good," I told him. "Learned you're taking care of all of our neighbors, like the Trayces and Widow Kirk and I bet there's others I didn't know that.

"Nothing that our parents didn't do," he answered, and he was right.

"Kid, there were four of them and Gramma and Grandpa Curry, too. They did it together. Let's figure out a way we can all help you. Probably good for Sam and the twins to learn to help others, too," I said.

Doctor Arden knelt in front of us so he could look into the Kid's eyes. "Jed, I think that Valparaiso place taught you that you had to hide what you did for others. That for some reason helping others was wrong. But that big heart of yours knew it was right. Let us help you learn that there's pride you can take in it without asking for anything in return. Be a good thing to pass onto the next generation. I know I'd like Ajay to grow up to be as fine a man as you."

The Kid nodded but when our eyes caught, he looked so fragile and broken that my heart sank. I pointed to the floor of the cell. "I'll sleep here tonight."

"Heyes, I'd have to lock you in there," Sheriff Bird said.

"I know. Do it."

"First, I want to talk to him again. Frank, I will need privacy." After a second, Frank and Lom, carrying Wayne, left. I stood to leave too, but the Kid grabbed at me.

"Han, stay." He looked me in the eyes, but we didn't connect. Yet I saw and felt his fear, his anxiety.

I didn't wait for the doctor to answer; I sat down next to the Kid. "I'm not going anywhere, partner."

Dr. Arden sighed. "Jed, right now do you want to kill yourself?"

"No, sir."

"That's good but depression and worthless feelings don't go away. You're going to have to fight against them every day. You're not just fighting for you, you're fighting for the family that loves you," the doctor said sincerely.

"I'm so sad. I can't do nothin' right," the Kid said.

"Heard some people today saying thank you for what you did for them. And don't say anyone would have done the same. They wouldn't. They didn't. Only you helped them." The doctor spoke low but firm. The Kid was blinkin' his eyes to hold back the tears. "Jed, I want you to think back to how you felt when Heyes tried to kill himself in prison. Will you do that?"

The Kid didn't immediately answer but caught my eyes. "I wondered how could you do that to me?" He thought for a moment. "I understand now." Stopping, he looked up at the high windows. "Sorry, sorry, now I put you through the same thing. I was afraid you were up there watching but I couldn't stop. Didn't see no other way out."

Before the doctor could talk, I did. "I learned there's a way out, but we can't find it alone. Let's find it together, partner."

He nodded and hugged me. His arms were still strong, and his bear hug felt safe. I hugged him back. His eyes met mine and he whispered, "Together."