A/N Sorry for taking so long to update, I've been away for a couple of weeks. Thank you so much to those who checked in and left reviews, so appreciated as always - I have still been reading, just unable to message or update on my phone.
Anyway, I'm back now with a pretty long update! (Maybe too long? I never quite know how long people like them to be?)
Katnibellamione - Angst is definitely on a downward trajectory now, but I had a few loose ends to tie up in this update! Poor Chandler has put up with a lot in these last couple of chapters, and I think Judy Geller might just prove be the straw to break the camel's back...
Goodmemories - I don't think I have come across the fic you mentioned yet, but I will check it out. Thank you so much for commenting.
Guests - Thank you for your kind words and apologies again for the radio silence!
Chandler's eyes were bright and eager as he burst through the doors of Central Perk.
He and Monica had just returned from an appointment with her doctor, and not only had the medic provided encouragement and reassurance that all was progressing perfectly with the pregnancy, she had allowed them to listen to the spell-binding sound of their baby's heartbeat, which had proven to be an experience that Chandler had found particularly moving.
He knew that Monica had forged an immediate and visceral attachment with their unborn child from the moment she had learned of its existence.
As their baby's mother and the physical vessel for its conception, their child had made its presence keenly and persistently felt, in a multitude of ways.
After all, she was the one to be awarded the occasionally dubious honor of being able to experience first-hand the stretching pains, the strange food cravings, and bouts of crippling exhaustion and nausea.
But despite these periods of undeniable discomfort, Chandler could see that Monica relished being able to actually feel her own body subtly changing to accommodate the needs of the new life evolving within; particularly now that she was able to feel the incomparably divine sensation of their child stirring inside of her.
The sheer bliss he had observed in her eyes when she had realized that the delicate flutterings she detected in her belly were created by their precious offspring, provided him with clear indication that those fetal movements had served to further intensify the intimate maternal bond she already shared with their baby.
For Chandler, however, their tiny son or daughter remained far more enigmatic. After all, he had received no tangible evidence of the baby's existence beyond Monica's accounts and the well-thumbed scan picture that he kept in his wallet.
The swell of Monica's abdomen was still fairly negligible, and it was too early for Chandler to be able to feel any kicks externally. Up until this point, it had only really been possible for him to experience the baby vicariously, through Monica.
Not that this had in any way diminished the astonishing amount of love he already felt for their child: In fact, he could still not quite believe that he was capable of such extraordinary depth of feeling for a tiny human that was still so entirely mysterious.
So today, being able to actually hear for himself the hypnotic sound of their son or daughter's heart pulsating rapidly and rhythmically from within Monica's womb, had felt like the most magical experience of his life; bringing their baby closer, and making it more real, with every tiny thud.
He and Monica had clung to each other, giddy with excitement; their faces plastered with matching toothy grins all the way home, as they digested everything that the doctor had said, and discussed their excitement for their next scan in a few weeks time. They even began to debate the possibility of finding out their baby's sex.
But unfortunately there was another, more daunting task for the couple to attend to this afternoon: Jack and Judy Geller were stopping by for a late lunch, and today was the day that they would be told about their new grandchild.
Monica had characteristically thrown all of her nervous energy into cleaning and food preparation, and was already at home, readying the apartment for their arrival. Chandler had of course offered his assistance, but had quickly been given the distinct impression that he was viewed as more of a hindrance when it came to matters of the kitchen, so instead, he had decided to seek out the company of their friends in order that he might revel for a while longer in his paternal joy, before being forced to subject himself to the seemingly inevitable wrath of the Gellers.
He had been initially disappointed when he had encountered not one familiar face at the coffee house, but as he returned now from the bathroom he was delighted to spot the two blonde heads of Phoebe and Rachel settling at their usual burnt orange sofa, and he felt confident that the two women would be the perfect pair with whom to share his baby-related excitement.
But as he approached, the content of their conversation caused him to take pause.
"So what did Noah want?" Phoebe asked her friend as she sipped her tea delicately.
"Oh, Monica asked me to get hold of Dan's new number for her. He moved to a new apartment." Rachel explained.
Barbed vines of anxiety began to creep instantly through Chandler's chest as he lowered his body quietly onto a stool at the counter, being careful not to announce his presence to his two friends.
"Why does she want to speak to Dan?" Phoebe verbalized Chandler's own inner confusion.
"She's really worried that he might find out that she's pregnant and jump to the wrong conclusion." Rachel told her, "She wants to see him, to explain about Chandler and the baby, so he doesn't show up and start asking questions."
The tendrils of worry that encircled Chandler's lungs slackened somewhat as he acknowledged that this made a degree of sense. He did not want Dan questioning the paternity of his baby any more than Monica did. He just wished that she had expressed these fears to him. He swiftly reminded himself that she might yet do so, and that he ought to give her the benefit of the doubt, rather than allowing his mind to run wild with premature jealousy or suspicion.
"Do you think she and Dan would have stayed together if the baby had turned out to be his? Or even if she hadn't gotten pregnant at all?" Phoebe mused, "It's so weird to think how different everything might have been! How this tiny little person we haven't even met yet has changed everything... "
"I don't know..." Rachel shook her head pensively "I mean, she never really seemed that into Dan, but I suppose with hindsight that might have been more about the pregnancy. I was always surprised the two of them never really hit it off; on paper they were a great match. But I guess it was never going to work when she found out she was carrying Chandler's baby! Monica and Chandler, though... I still can't believe it!"
Chandler swallowed hard. Those anxious coils had entirely enveloped his rib cage now, his heart feeling as overburdened as a dilapidated building being cloaked by a choke of ivy.
Could what they were insinuating possibly be true?
Could Monica's supposed regret at ever becoming involved with Dan, be entirely informed by her pregnancy?
Would the love and adoration she was so desperate to bestow upon Chandler, simply never have existed if their night in London had failed to produce the miracle that now resided in her womb?
For all of her vehement protestation, might she actually have accepted, preferred even, a universe in which she would have sat in that doctor's room this morning listening to the mesmerizing whoosh of her baby's heart with the handsome nurse at her side instead of him?
Chandler took a deep breath as he attempted to quash a series of nauseating visions from this alternate reality that began to torture his mind: Monica and Dan beaming euphorically at each other as they passed around a scan picture to their friends; Dan's hand caressing her swollen belly as she gazed back at him, those wide blue eyes that Chandler now lost himself in so readily, full of awe and wonder for somebody else's child.
A vicious stab of jealousy caused him to physically wince.
"She certainly seems very smitten with our Mr Bing now though!" Rachel conceded "And I have to admit, they're pretty damn cute together."
"I know." said Phoebe with a sentimental smile "Did she show you the charm bracelet he gave her?"
"Oh my God! " Rachel swooned, "I couldn't believe that. It's just the sweetest thing ever. I honestly can't believe it's the same Chandler!"
"She's different too. They both seem so in love, and I can't believe they're having a baby! It's all just too perfect. " Phoebe nodded along dreamily.
Chandler acknowledged with a degree of bitterness, that if only he had emerged from the bathroom a minute later, only bearing witness to these final observations from the two women, he might have found himself heading into this nightmare lunch with Monica's family on a confident, buoyant note. But confidence had never come easily to Chandler and his deep-seated, crippling streak of self-doubt had no trouble attaching itself instantly and firmly to the words that fed his insecurities; and spitefully crushed into the ground any sense of optimism or self-assurance he had been foolish enough to allow himself to enjoy.
At that moment Ross came through the door and Chandler leapt to his feet. The girls turned to greet them both, assuming their arrival had been simultaneous, and Rachel asked Chandler excitedly "How was your appointment?"
"Yeah it was great." Chandler tried desperately to recapture the elation he had been basking in just minutes ago, but his mind was now firmly fixated elsewhere.
Still, he managed to provide the synopsis his friends were eagerly awaiting. "The doctor was really happy and said everything was progressing normally. She was a little surprised that Monica could feel movement so early in a first pregnancy, but said that sometimes that was the case for women who are particularly slim. And we got to hear the baby's heartbeat.. "
This was met with a chorus of coos.
"Was it amazing?" Rachel asked excitedly, clasping her hands beneath her chin.
"Yeah, it was incredible." he replied honestly, a soft smile of remembrance tugging at his lips; but his answer sounded far less effusive than it would have ten minutes ago. He could see the hint of a question in Rachel's eyes as she took in his subdued response.
"Listen, I'm not going to stay, I told Monica I would pick up some flowers for her mom." Chandler made a sudden excuse to leave, as a desperate need to escape their scrutiny overwhelmed him, "I'll see you guys later."
Rachel and Phoebe exchanged a worried glance as he made a dash for the door.
"What's with him?" Phoebe asked
"He's probably just nervous about the big Geller reveal this afternoon" Ross concluded, "Monica's totally convinced that Mom and Dad are going to lose their minds when they find out about the baby, so she's probably managed to freak Chandler out too."
"How do you think they'll take it?" Rachel asked
"I don't know. I mean, they'll be surprised for sure." Ross replied "But personally, I still think my whole "ex-wife's a lesbian" pregnancy announcement beats this one hands down when it comes to shock value."
Rachel shot Phoebe an amused glance. The infamous Geller sibling rivalry truly knew no bounds.
"Is that a new blouse?" Judy ran her critical eyes over her daughter's form, "It looks very... comfortable."
Monica had been scrutinized enough times by her mother to know that this backhanded compliment was a sure sign that her attempt to disguise her pregnancy weight gain with a loose fitting outfit had been unsuccessful.
"It is." she agreed stiffly, before steering the conversation swiftly away from her appearance.
"I've made an Italian frittata and some salads for lunch. I hope that's OK?"
"Sounds delicious Mon, thank you" Ross piped up from the living room, where he was sitting with his father and Chandler.
"Oh yes. We never wanted you to go to too much trouble Monica: So salad is perfect" Judy added.
Monica took a calming breath, "OK, well it's all ready, if you'd like to sit down"
Chandler approached the table giving himself an internal reminder not to slip a comforting arm around Monica's waist as he passed her by.
"This looks incredible Mon," he told her, taking in the array of dishes she had carefully presented.
Judy eyed him with distasteful intrigue "Oh, I didn't realize you were staying for lunch, Chandler"
"Yes he is." Monica's interjection sounded clipped, as she pulled out a chair and gestured for her mother to sit.
She was grateful when her brother sensed her mounting tension and stepped in with some immediately effective small talk; asking their father about the ankle he had twisted whilst playing golf; enquiring how the decorating work was going in the Geller family dining room; and regaling them all with some sweet and amusing anecdotes about Ben.
But eventually Judy turned her attention to her daughter.
"So how is everything with you Monica? Have you heard anything from Dan lately?"
Monica placed her fork on her plate a little more aggressively than she had intended, and replied snappily "No Mom. We broke up months ago. I told you that. Remember?"
Judy raised her eyebrows and replied loftily "I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was such a touchy subject. I just wondered if anything had changed, that's all. I know relationships move quickly with you young people - I can hardly keep up sometimes."
Monica glanced at Chandler anxiously, "I'm not being touchy." she rejected "Things were never serious with Dan anyway." "
She took a bracing inhalation and raised her chin a little defiantly "But... actually, I am in a relationship now. A really important one in fact." she cleared her throat and threw her boyfriend a slightly tense smile "With Chandler."
Her mother and father exchanged a loaded glance before staring between Chandler and Monica in surprise. Ross gave his sister a look of encouragement.
Judy set down her cutlery and dabbed delicately at her pursed lips with a napkin.
Jack leaned in towards his son and asked in a loud whisper "Now I'm confused. Is it the Italian one that's gay?"
Monica swallowed hard as she pressed on bravely, "And, we actually have some really exciting news... We're expecting a baby! You're going to be grandparents again" she trialed an enthusiastic smile.
Jack's head swiveled round and Chandler could feel his dark eyes burning a hole into the side of his skull. He got to his feet and moved to join Monica at the other side of the table, placing his hands gently upon her shoulders, ostensibly in a show of solidarity and support; but he could not pretend he had not briefly considered her suitability as a human shield.
"That's... a lot to take in, Monica." Judy breathed.
"Look, I know this is unexpected... And I know it seems fast, but you have to remember that Chandler and I have known each other for a really long time -"
"Oh I know that, dear" Judy interrupted "I just had no idea that you had been making yourself available to him in this way."
"Oh my God" Monica muttered under her breath, her teeth clenched in frustration.
"Mr and Mrs Geller, I just want to assure you that I am completely committed to Monica and the baby - " Chandler began earnestly.
"So what thoughts have you had about the wedding?" Jack cut him off and questioned Monica gravely, "How much time do we have? I'm guessing it will be a small affair, given the circumstances. Which isn't the worst thing in the world. We're still paying for your brother's last attempt - "
Monica shot Chandler a reproachful glance before halting her father "We're not getting married, Dad."
"Monica..."Jack gave his daughter a warning glare and she felt Chandler's fingers grip her arms a little tighter.
"The baby is due on February 5th, so right now our whole focus is on preparing for that." she explained
"This doesn't sound like you talking," Jack addressed his daughter but his fiery eyes flashed across to Chandler with more than a hint of accusation. "You always dreamed of getting married, ever since you were a little girl!"
"But probably not like this..." Judy muttered bitterly.
"I'm not saying we'll never get married" Monica clarified "But the time isn't right. I don't want some shotgun wedding! And we don't need to be married to provide a stable and loving environment for our baby!"
"How very modern." Her mother remarked with a slight sneer.
"Well, not as modern as Ross!" Monica shot back heatedly, before turning to her brother apologetically and softening her tone "What I mean is, things don't have to be done in a traditional way... we all know that Ross and Carol and Susan are incredible parents to Ben. Chandler and I might not have gone about this in the usual order, but we could not be happier about where we are now".
"February 5th?" Judy suddenly questioned with a frown, and Monica could see the mathematical cogs whirring in her mother's brain.
"Yes" she confirmed, before reciting, for what felt like the hundredth time this week "Chandler and I first got together in London, at Ross's rehearsal dinner... "
"Of course, what woman wouldn't be bowled over by that terrific speech he made..." Jack remarked to Ross, with a laconically raised eyebrow and a grimace, referring to Chandler's efforts to entertain the Geller / Waltham wedding party that had bombed so spectacularly.
Ross's resulting snigger was immediately snuffed out by his sister's death stare.
"We tried to stay away from each other, because we didn't want to ruin our friendship," Monica forged on with her explanation quickly, in the hope that her mother would not have time to ask about Dan, "But we couldn't.."
"Because you found out about the baby." Judy's expression was one of grim realization.
Chandler shuffled his feet, as his stomach lurched unpleasantly.
"Because we love each other" Monica corrected her firmly, her hand flying from her lap to capture Chandler's fingers in her own, as she felt his touch begin to drift slowly away.
She regarded her parents expectantly, but Jack's eyes were glazed and shell-shocked and Judy stared down in stone-faced silence.
"You know, your only daughter is about to have her first baby" Monica's voice trembled with a lilt of hurt now, "You have a new grandchild on the way. Maybe you could try being happy about that? I've heard that some pregnant women even receive congratulations!"
"I'm really excited for you guys, " Ross chipped in supportively "And I can't wait to tell Ben he's getting a new baby cousin!"
Judy raised her eyes slowly to meet her daughter "Congratulations Monica. Of course we'll be delighted to meet our new grandchild" she told her magnanimously, rising to her feet to draw her into a somewhat tepid hug.
Jack took the cue to do the same "Congratulations sweetheart. If you're happy, then we're happy, and I know you'll be a fantastic mother" he told her, his voice betraying a hint of an emotional crack.
His dark eyes moved to Chandler as he managed to choke out "Congratulations Chandler" his expression still on the verge of forbidding.
Chandler nodded his genuine gratitude before leaning back against the kitchen counter, somberly observing Judy's staunch efforts to make him feel entirely invisible.
Lunch came to something of an abrupt end following Monica's revelation: Jack had been stunned into silence; Judy was dour and introspective; Chandler and Monica were equally subdued; and there was really only so much small talk Ross could make.
Eventually the Geller elders made their excuses and it was decided that Jack would make a dash to fetch the car and bring it around to the building to collect Judy and Ross, to save them from having to brave the persistent rain.
Shortly after they had said their goodbyes, Monica noticed that her mother had left her umbrella leaning against the wall by the front door, so Chandler, keen to curry favor in any way that he could, offered to go after them.
As he neared the bottom of the stairwell he was initially pleased that he was able to hear the voices of Ross and Judy echoing around the sparse interior of the lobby, meaning that he would not have to chase them down the street in the rain.
But before he knew it, for the second time that day, he found himself inadvertently eavesdropping on a conversation he knew he would most likely rather not hear.
"Oh come on Mom, she's over the moon about this" Ross was telling his mother "And Chandler is too. I had a few reservations, when I first found out, but I really think the two of them can make this work."
"I just don't understand why she always has to self-sabotage." Chandler heard Judy lament as he leaned dejectedly against the cool wall of the stairwell.
"She had a good job, she finally found a decent, age-appropriate boyfriend, and then she goes and pulls a stunt like this."
"She still has her job. And I really don't think she was ever happy with Dan." Ross pointed out.
Judy let out a loud scoff. "Well that's classic Monica, isn't it. I guess it would be far too much to ask that she might be happy with somebody nice and normal. No! Monica is only interested if they're old enough to be her father; or if they're some kind of crazed wrestler; or if they're a druggie, apparently."
"Chandler's not on drugs, Mom! I told you, that was all a misunderstanding. He's a really good guy!" Ross insisted as Chandler screwed up his face in outraged confusion, having no clue as to why Judy might ever have reached the conclusion he was a drug user.
"And the two of them are adamant that they're very much in love. " Ross continued.
Judy shook her head scathingly, "She's known Chandler for ten years, and she's never shown the slightest bit of interest in him in all that time. It's a bit of a coincidence that this grand love affair just so happened to coincide with their "little accident" don't you think? It's such a terrible shame that she's had to throw away a promising relationship, damage her career, and settle for all of this, because of one drunken mistake."
Chandler felt the muscles of his jaw contract as his brow furrowed in agony, her words cutting deep and knife-like.
If the wounds of doubt Phoebe and Rachel had unwittingly inflicted upon him this morning had begun to heal over at all, Judy Geller had not only ripped off the scabs, she had rubbed in some salt for good measure.
But Chandler was not only hurt, he was angry.
He had always found Judy's censorious treatment of her daughter appalling. Monica's desperate and always futile attempts to win her mother's approval were unfailingly painful to watch; but listening to Judy speak so very disparagingly about Monica now, and to hear their precious baby dismissed as nothing more than a drunken mistake, made Chandler want to give this objectionable woman a piece of his mind.
He took a deep breath as he acknowledged that to do so would only make matters worse, providing Judy with yet another stick with which to beat Monica, at a time when she already had a plethora.
He doubted Monica would appreciate his interference in her relationship with her parents, so he bit his tongue.
He did, however, make a silent vow, that he would not hesitate to step in should Judy ever consider treating her new grandchild with even a hint of the contempt she routinely showed her own daughter.
Chandler had heard enough, and he swallowed hard as he took the last few steps to join them in the entrance way. "Mrs Geller, you forgot this" he announced his presence coolly, and held out her umbrella, offering no trace of a smile.
Ross and Judy turned around in surprise. Ross regarded his friend a little anxiously, suspecting immediately that Chandler may have overheard at least some of their conversation, but if Judy had arrived at the same conclusion, she certainly did not care, her expression resolutely disdainful as she took her umbrella from his hand.
When he sloped back into Monica's apartment he felt like his heart was in the pit of his stomach.
Monica dashed to greet him, his dejected expression causing the residual anxiety provoked by her parents to spike once more.
"I think that went OK?" her eyes begged for an optimistic response as they searched his face frantically, "Better than I thought it would, anyway..."
But Chandler was in no mood to offer false platitudes.
"Are you kidding? Were we even at the same lunch?" he asked sarcastically.
Her brows knitted together as she looked down dolefully, "Well, it could have gone worse!" she insisted "There was no shouting, and they didn't ask me to put the baby up for adoption, or drag the two of us off for an emergency wedding ceremony or anything!"
He regarded her sadly. "Your parents clearly hate me, Mon. And they think I've ruined your life".
Monica rolled her eyes in exasperation "Well, I'm pretty sure they're not too keen on me either! And I don't think they've fully approved of a single relationship I've ever been in, so you really shouldn't take that personally."
The elements of disapproval Judy had alluded to towards both Richard and Pete during her conversation with Ross, had in truth, provided Chandler the tiniest hint of consolation on that score, but he was certainly not going to admit that now.
Instead, he focused upon the one person she had spoken of with a degree of favor "No? Your mom seems pretty keen on Dan..."
Monica shook her head in confusion, "What? Why do you think that? She never even met Dan! Her opinions of him are entirely based on whatever Ross told her about him."
"Well I'm glad he talked somebody up!" Chandler remarked sardonically, "Because from what I just heard in the stairwell he seems to have given your mom the impression that I'm some kind of drug addict!"
Monica brought her hands to her face "What? Why would he say that?" she shook her head furiously "Look, I'm so sorry Chandler, I swear I'll find out what he said and I'll iron that out!"
But Chandler just stared ahead dull-eyed and wordless.
Monica slid her arms around his waist comfortingly, "Chandler, I really think they will be OK once they've wrapped their heads around this. They honestly didn't react as badly as I thought they would."
He failed to return her embrace and his complete lack of response caused her to pull back from him, her own face clouded with worry as she analyzed his. "Chandler, what's wrong?"
"Nothing" he mumbled, as he stalked away towards the living room.
"Come on, there's obviously something bothering you, can you please just tell me what it is?" Monica demanded anxiously.
Chandler looked down at his hands and took a deep breath.
"Fine." he conceded, "I overheard Phoebe and Rachel talking earlier. About us. And when I went downstairs just now, I heard your mom saying pretty similar things to Ross."
Monica gave a perplexed frown as he looked up to meet her eye.
"I've got to know, Monica, if it wasn't for the baby, would you still be with Dan? Is all of this just you making the best of a bad situation?"
Monica shook her head, visibly crushed by his words. "A "bad situation"?" she repeated incredulously, "I can't believe Phoebe and Rachel would say that! This is the best situation I've ever been in my whole life! You know that! And of course I wouldn't be with Dan! You know how much I regret that whole thing, I've told you a million times, I never felt anything for him! I broke up with him weeks before I had any clue I was pregnant, so I have no idea why they would say that, and even less idea why you would believe it. "
"Oh come on Monica, it's not just about Phoebe and Rachel. You must have seen the look on every single face when we told them about us being together. Nobody can believe it! And the reason they can't believe it is because the truth is, they can't understand why a woman like you would go for a guy like me."
Monica's face crumpled in anguish "Chandler, that's ridiculous!"
She sighed as he began to pace the room, twitchy and restless. She had known him long enough to recognize that an anxious rant was about to take over.
"But then they hear about the baby, and they hear about London, and it suddenly makes sense to them: "Ah! That's why she settled for him! Because she got drunk and pregnant!" That's what they all think! I'm pretty sure it's what Phoebe and Rachel think. Probably Ross too. And it's certainly what your parents think."
"And I'm sorry, but I can only watch that "Eureka moment" so many times before I have to consider that there might actually be some truth behind it!"
His accusatory tone stung, and angry tears began to prickle in Monica's eyes.
"Just remember that not one single bit of this has come from me, Chandler! " she reminded him warningly, "And you know what? You're not the only one who worries, and you're not the only one who has these sort of doubts!"
He shook his head skeptically, unable to believe that Monica could possibly be suggesting that she harbored her own insecurities about their relationship.
"I finished things with Dan because I couldn't get you out of my head, whereas we both know that the only reason you cancelled your date with Caitlin was because I told you I was carrying your baby! If it wasn't for the baby, for all we know, you might still be dating her!" Monica swiped an angry arm across her face in order to absorb a rogue tear that threatened to escape her eye.
"Oh come on! Don't try to turn this around on me! I never really wanted to go out with Caitlin! She's not even my type! " Chandler told her heatedly, "The only reason I agreed to that date was because I'd been feeling so crappy about you and Dan! And because Caitlin - "
He trailed off and shook his head with a loud sigh "Doesn't matter..." he muttered.
"Because Caitlin what?" Monica demanded hotly "Come on Chandler! I'd love to know!"
"OK! Because Caitlin made me feel like first choice!" he cried bitterly as he looked up to meet her face.
"She could have asked out Ross, she could have asked out Joey, but she didn't! She asked me out. And it felt good, just for once in my life, not to feel like second best!"
An immediate feeling of guilt threatened to overwhelm him as he read the utter devastation on her face and watched with regret as her sapphire eyes welled up with sadness.
"Are you saying that's how I make you feel?" she whispered tearfully.
He continued to examine her face remorsefully as he considered her question.
He had certainly felt like second best when he had heard Phoebe and Rachel discussing Monica and Dan this morning; and equally so when Ross had torn strip after strip from him earlier this week upon learning of the pregnancy. And he had never felt more inadequate than when he had overheard Judy's lamentation that her daughter had essentially ruined her life by becoming involved with him.
But Monica was right.
None of this had come from her.
And no, he did not feel like second best when she gazed at him with adoration across the breakfast table; or when she dragged him into one of those passionate kisses that left him in no doubt as to her desire and need for him; or when she pressed his fingers against her abdomen, her eyes alive with excitement, and desperate to share her joy that their baby was nestled their within.
"No" he choked, as he shook his head apologetically, his gaze dropping to the floor. "That's not how you make me feel."
"Good." she replied shakily, "Because I know I should never have involved myself with Dan, but I didn't break up with him because of the baby.
I broke up with him because I couldn't stand to have him anywhere near me! I felt sick every time he touched me or kissed me! And that wasn't because Dan was a bad guy or a disgusting guy: It was just because he wasn't you."
She took a step closer to him, her voice softer and lower as she spoke again.
"I know I hurt you by dating him, and I will always regret that. But please don't think you were my second choice, because you could never be that. Not ever. In fact, you're not even my first choice, Chandler: You're my only choice."
He swallowed hard, still refusing to meet her gaze, and the lack of connection caused her a fresh wave of distress.
"You know, this is exactly why I was so worried about telling everyone about us!" she cried, an angry sob escaping her throat "Everything was so perfect! And I just knew that as soon as everybody else got involved they would have to ruin it!"
Chandler looked up in sudden alarm, "They haven't ruined it, Mon! Nobody can ruin this. Please don't say that.."
She captured his face tenderly in her hands "Then please don't let them get inside your head! They just don't understand what we have. But they will".
He encircled his arms around her and drew her into a ferocious embrace, eventually garnering the courage to expose the final insecurity that festered in his mind.
"Rachel said you wanted to see him... Dan, I mean." he told her gruffly as he loosened his grip on her.
She pressed her eyelids closed for a moment before nodding her head and sighing deeply.
"I wanted to talk to you about that" she quietly confirmed.
Chandler's hands dropped from her waist as he stared into her face incredulously, finding it hard to reconcile this admission with everything she had just said.
"I have to tell him about the baby, Chandler. I'm absolutely terrified that he will hear about it from somebody else and will think it's his!" she told him desperately.
Chandler sighed and nodded "I get that, but I don't understand why you can't just call him up. Or get Rachel to pass on a message."
"Well I could," she admitted, "I guess I just really want to see for myself that he understands it and believes it. I don't want to run into him in the park 12 months from now, and for him to look at our baby and... wonder. I want us to move past this, I just want complete closure."
She took a deep breath, knowing that he may not appreciate her next sentence, but she was determined to be entirely honest " And I guess... I also want to apologize." she said with a guilty shrug.
"Apologize to him?" Chandler looked immediately peeved, "For what?"
"Chandler, I treated him like dirt. I was only with him to try to get over you; I completely used the guy, and then I just dumped him with barely an explanation. I feel like I owe him an apology and some honesty. I mean, he must be pretty insecure to have stuck around as long as he did. I don't want Dan to think he was at fault, because he wasn't: I was. And I just want to take ownership of that."
"I've gotta say, I find it pretty hard to believe that a guy like Dan could be in any way insecure..." Chandler grumbled.
Monica regarded him wistfully as she brought her fingertips back to his cheek "Well, I find it hard to believe that a guy as handsome, and as smart, and as wonderful as you could ever feel insecure. But I guess we all doubt ourselves sometimes."
Chandler found himself suddenly unable to hold the intensity of her gaze or accept her sincerely delivered words.
"Well now I know you're just buttering me up so I'll say I don't mind you going out with your hot ex-boyfriend again..." he muttered with an embarrassed half-smirk.
Monica knew only too well that his attempt to inject humor was a direct response to her compliments, and she continued to trace her delicate fingers across his face with gentle reverence. The unease with which he met her attempts to bolster his self-worth, and his constant need to deflect positive attention with jokes pained her, but it also filled her with determination that one day she might help him to feel the self-confidence he deserved.
"Look Chandler", she eventually told him seriously "I always knew this might make you feel uncomfortable, and if you would prefer I didn't see Dan, that's completely fine and it's completely reasonable. It was always my intention to speak with you about it first, and if you would rather I didn't see him, I won't: It's as simple as that. None of this matters to me as much as you do. Like you said before, I can get a message to him about the baby without seeing him face to face..."
Chandler shook his head as he sat down on the armchair and rubbed his face thoughtfully.
His every instinct wanted to take her up on this suggestion; but did he really want to be the kind of man that dictated to his partner who she could or could not speak to?
He knew, in his heart, that her motivation for wanting to see Dan was exactly as she had described, and that to stand in her way of exorcising her personal demons would be unfair and unwise.
He had to trust her.
"Look, I get it. And you should do what you have to do, if it's going to give you closure."
He paused for a moment before mumbling ruefully "Just promise me you won't fall in love with him or anything..."
Monica straddled his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck, forcing him to look directly into her face once more.
"I was stupid enough to try that already, remember? But it didn't work. Because only this works."
She brushed his lips softly with her own.
"I don't want him, or anybody else." she whispered, peppering his face with a series of loving kisses before connecting their gaze once more. "Only you".
Chandler watched her pupils dilate as they lost themselves in each other's eyes, an intense shock of electricity rippling through his body as he witnessed the precise moment that her gentle and tender adoration transformed into something altogether more hungry and primal.
The exhilaration he felt when he got to see that glimmer of something slightly feline, and almost predatory, flash in the depths of her darkened pupils, knowing that it had been provoked by her want for him, was utterly intoxicating.
He felt his own desire begin to surge, his breath hastening and his pulse beginning to race, knowing he was about to feel the full and untamed force of her love.
There were times when he liked to remain somewhat passive, allowing her to take the lead so that he could simply revel in the unbridled passion she threw at him, hardly able to believe it was possible that he could inspire such ardour in this spectacular woman.
At other moments she would be the one to melt into his arms, as sweet and pliant as warm honey, handing herself over to him entirely and basking, languid and blissful, in his physical adoration.
But neither of those scenarios would play out now.
After the emotional turbulence of the day, their need to affirm their love and connection was mutually urgent.
Their lips met with matching fervency, their kiss impassioned as they sought to close down every intolerable inch of space that parted them.
His scalp tingled as she raked her fingers through his hair; his own sweeping down her spine, and over the gentle curve of her hips so that he might grip the firm flesh of her backside in his palms and pull her as close as he possibly could.
His teeth tugged gently at her plump bottom lip as he broke their kiss and moved to skim the sensitive skin of her neck, enjoying the moans of pleasure elicited by the heat of his breath.
Her deft fingers were already working on the buckle of his belt, and his lips trailed further, down to her collarbone, as he fumbled with the buttons of her shirt, and pushed her bra straps from her shoulders, both of them now equally desperate to feel that incomparable sensation of the other's bare skin against their own.
And that was when Phoebe and Rachel appeared in the doorway.
"Oh my God! My eyes!" exclaimed Phoebe, as both women averted their horrified stares from the ardent display taking place on the armchair, only the slightest hint of amusement on their predominantly appalled faces.
A disheveled Chandler appeared suitably shame-faced as he looked towards their friends in shock, but the fact that Monica's eyes remained keenly trained upon him with lioness-like intensity was not helping his physical excitement to abate.
She eventually rose to her feet after adjusting her bra and straightening her almost completely unbuttoned blouse, glancing only briefly towards her two girlfriends with barely a smile and not a hint of apology. Despite not knowing the full story, she could not help but feel a little aggrieved that Phoebe and Rachel were at least partially responsible for Chandler's upset and episode of doubt.
"Seriously you guys, get a room!" reprimanded Rachel, squeezing her eyes closed after taking in her roommate's state of near undress.
"OK... " Monica acquiesced, regarding the girls with an expression that was somewhat challenging as she moved towards her bedroom.
If Phoebe and Rachel were questioning the legitimacy of her relationship with Chandler, and were having a hard time believing that in him, she had finally found everything she had ever been looking for, Monica was unafraid to show them how wrong they were.
She glanced back at Chandler from the doorway. "Well? Are you coming Tiger?" she asked brazenly, smirking at his astonishment.
"Uh..." he glanced uncomfortably towards Rachel and Phoebe, before shrugging off his embarrassment and scampering after her with delight "OK!"
As the bedroom door slammed behind them, Rachel and Phoebe looked on in outrage.
"Oh my God!" Rachel shook her head in disbelief, "Completely shameless! Shall we go across the hall? I mean, we can't sit here and listen to that!"
"They're like a couple of animals!" Phoebe exclaimed. "I never knew Chandler had it in him" she added misty-eyed and admiring.
Chandler discarded his newspaper in frustration when he realized that his eyes had scanned right to the end of the same article for the third time, without having absorbed a single word.
He had spent the last hour trying to feel cool and unconcerned that Monica was meeting Dan for coffee in order to explain her pregnancy.
He trusted her. He really did. He knew that the cloud of discomfort that had shrouded him all morning was unnecessary. But he supposed that the fact that every relationship he had known since childhood had been blighted by some form of infidelity, had left a multitude of significant scars; and pushing a constant stream of intrusive visions of his girlfriend and her ex out of his masochistic mind had proven to be an all-encompassing and exhausting task.
So when she bounced into his apartment, rosy-cheeked from the cold, and threw herself into his lap for an eager kiss, the sense of relief he felt was intense; with muscles he had no idea had been painfully clenched, relaxing immediately into her embrace.
"How did it go?" he asked as neutrally as he was able.
"Ugh! Awful!" she exclaimed burying her chilly face into the warmth of his neck and inhaling him deeply, in an apparent effort to cleanse herself of the experience.
She looked up to meet his inquisitive eyes and began to explain, a little less dramatically, "Well, not really awful. Just awkward I guess. Which was only to be expected."
She smiled wryly as she told him "You would have enjoyed the expression on his face when he heard the word "pregnant": I honestly thought he was going to hurl himself through the window, Die Hard style!"
Chandler raised his eyebrows, feeling immediately comforted by the fact she seemed entirely unbothered by Dan's horror.
"And he actually wasn't too surprised when I told him about you, and explained about London." she told him quietly, tracing a fingertip around the outline of his ear, as she eyed him a little guiltily through her eyelashes, "He said he always suspected there was something going on with us..."
Again, Chandler did not really know how to respond to this information, but the fact that even Dan had been able to recognize the irreversible and unstoppable force of that intense attachment he and Monica had discovered in London, made him feel good. He still could not quite fathom how either of them had ever been so foolish to imagine that they might have been able to resist the unconquerable magnetic pull that had been exposed that night, and he even managed to feel a shred of sympathy for Dan, that he had unwittingly become embroiled in something so clearly inevitable.
"And did he accept your apology?" he asked with control, combing his fingers absentmindedly through her wind-tousled hair.
"Hard to tell" Monica mused " He said he did, but to be honest, I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm completely crazy, and is mainly just relieved that he never has to lay eyes on me ever again..." another rueful smile tugged at her lips.
"And I'm fine with that." she confirmed, "The important thing is, he knows about you, and the baby, and I've been honest and accountable. And I feel so much better for having done that. So thank you." she told him genuinely, as she planted a loving kiss on his lips "For understanding why I had to do it."
"I'm glad you feel better" he told her with absolute sincerity, squeezing her tight and rubbing her arm in an attempt to warm her and quell her shivers.
"You wanna recline?" he asked her with a mock-suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows, as he reached for the lever of his barcalounger
"Uh huh!" she confirmed with a twinkling grin, wrapping her arms around his neck in preparation for the ensuing drop.
As the two of them shifted their bodies into a tangle of comfort, Chandler realized that he too felt a sense of lightness and closure that he had not expected.
Of course, he had never really believed that Monica's meeting with Dan would result in her falling in love and running away with him; but there could be no denying that the nurse had become something of a sticking point for Chandler, given the various unfortunate conversations he had overheard.
But if he was being absolutely honest with himself, neither Monica nor Dan had been Chandler's real concern this morning: His real worry had been that the tension of the past few days would cause him to react to their meeting in a way that was jealous and inflammatory: That he might have lashed out and said something stupid and non-retractable; or else behaved in a way that was so needy and possessive, that he would push her away, just as he had pushed away other women before her.
But there was something in the way Monica looked at him; something in the way she loved him; that told Chandler that she would not be so easily pushed.
The fact that the two of them had been able to face this episode with honesty, openness and trust reaffirmed that this relationship was everything he had ever dreamed of, and a million miles away from anything he had experienced before.
For the first time in his life, he felt confident that he found a love that was secure and unconditional; and suddenly, it did not actually matter what Judy Geller, or anybody else thought about its authenticity.
Chandler knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this was the real deal.
A/N Realized something when I wrote this chapter: I *think* that in 140K words of Mondler, this might be the first time I have mentioned Richard by name! (Don't worry - it's not a foreshadowing or anything!)