Winter's Refuge
Chapter One Hundred Forty-Eight
JED 'KID' CURRY
I know I'm dreamin'. I'm lost and tryin' to find my way someplace very important, but I've forgotten where that is. But I HAVE to get there. At first, I think Winter's Glory knows where to go. He's runnin' hard, but we seem to be gettin' nowhere. I can't get there on horseback. A posse is trailin' me, or are they? They ride right by me. Then the Wyoming State Prison is in front of me. I'm supposed to go there. I run the other way. It's at my back, but the harder I run, the closer it gets. "HEYES!"
I feel a hand on my shoulder. "Right here, partner. You're having a nightmare. Open your eyes." Heyes was next to me. I trust him so I open my eyes. I'm still in my cell but there are two lamps, turned down low, outside the cell. And the moon is shinin' through the high windows.
I sat on the side of the cot and my cousin sat next to me, our thighs touchin'. "What are you doin' in here?"
"Watching over you," he said with a little grin, pointin' to blankets piled on the floor. Somewhere he had gotten yet another quilt and a pillow.
My eyes filled with tears. I couldn't help it. "Thanks. I'm scared, Heyes. Ain't never felt this scared since we were young."
"Nothin' you wouldn't do for me," he answered. "Lean on me. We'll get through this."
Tryin' to stand up, I found the bandages on my ankles tight, restrictin' my balance.
"Whoa, there," he said and caught me.
I started pullin' the blankets off the cot and threw them on the floor next to his. "Can we sleep back-to-back like we did when we was at the Home and I was scared? Think I just need to feel you near." I don't usually show Heyes when I'm weak, but I have to now. I need him.
HEYES
I didn't get much rest, but I felt the Kid fall into a deep sleep behind me. His nightmare didn't return. I tried to think. I don't remember him really sleepin' much since I came to Phoenix to do my parole…and with taking care of Chrissy the six months before that, I don't think he's slept deep since before we went to prison. He always made sure we were taken care of, that we knew all we had to do was ask and he would be there. He's been that way with everyone. Did I ever thank him for helping me recover? Well, now it's my turn and I won't fail him. I'll watch over him, take care of him.
Doctor Arden is right; depression never completely goes away. Every day, it feeds my fears and offers me the safety of my mind to run and hide. But I have fought it down with the Kid's strength. And I'll offer him my strength to fight it now.
I must have slept some because sunlight was touching the high windows when the scraping of the door alerted me. The Kid was still sleeping, leaning against my back so I didn't move.
Sheriff Birde made his way down the stairs carrying a tray of food. Lom followed him down with a bucket of water in one hand and towels in the other. When I sat up, the Kid stirred.
Disoriented, he looked around until his gaze settled on me. "Heyes?"
"Time to wake up, Kid. Breakfast is here," I told him.
When he saw Sheriff Birde and Lom, he struggled to his feet. Grabbing the bars of the cell to steady himself, he moved to the back corner of the cell and looked down.
Birde unlocked the cell. "Should be enough for both of you here. My wife sent down another new shirt for you, Jed. And there's warm water to wash up. Aiden said to tell you to keep those ankle bandages dry."
"Yes, sir," the Kid answered without looking up. And that proper prison protocol crushed my heart.
Lom stayed when Birde left. "Wayne and I are guests of the Birdes. Kid, if you are found guilty, I decided I'm leaving right away to get a pardon from the governor."
"Plan on pleadin' guilty to the aidin' and abettin' charges," the Kid answered without emotion. He was resigned to this. I wasn't.
I found strength I haven't called upon in a long time. "No, Kid, you will not. They said I couldn't hire a lawyer, so we'll have to be our own lawyer. You plead not guilty." I was surprised how determined I sounded.
"Yes, sir," the Kid answered. That answer had become a habit again.
"What did you call me?" I asked.
He said nothing for a moment then with a half-smile he said, "Sir. If anyone in my life deserves the respect that word carries, it's you, Heyes. I'm proud of you for what you've done the last few years. Thanks for havin' my back, partner."
Lom nodded. "Plead not guilty. Make them prove it. Think you have about half an hour to eat and get ready…and I will be there."
"Ain't hungry, Heyes. Eat as much as you want," the Kid said, as he washed up with the warm water and soap, ending with washing his hair as best he could. This is not the Kid I've known since I've gotten out of prison, but I've seen him subdued, dejected before, especially after a gunfight whether he killed or not. Yet that's the only thing that he's proud of, his fast, accurate gun.
"Not hungry either," I answered, folding the quilts and blankets and stacking them in a corner. "How you doing today?"
He half grinned at me out of the corner of his mouth. "Better," he answered, looking at those high windows again. "Think I'm glad I'm alive. Feel like a dull pain in my gut. It's like grief but it's not just my mournin' for Trinity Rose. It's grief for losin' everythin' we tried to build here. So tired and just hopelessly sad."
I picked up his new shirt and handed it to him. "I felt a dull nothingness when I woke up after I tried…tried…tried to die in prison. Nothing around me seemed to have any color, not even my blood that was coming out of me." I told the Kid. I don't like to think about that time. Remembering it allowed some of that despair I felt to creep back in and start to overwhelm me.
"How do you stop it?" he asked, sitting on the small stool in the cell. "No socks today, I guess. Gonna go to prison barefoot."
"Can't stop it by myself. Need you. Need Angie. Need Dr. Arden. Need Chrissy. And I need to find strength inside myself. You know, I remember something Dr Arden told me once when my ego was out of control, and I got in trouble. He said it was from some very smart guy named Confucius, who lived a long, long time ago. He said, 'Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail.' Helps me even now to think about that."
The Kid looked at me with a dull look and I knew he was seeing that colorless world right now. He looked down and spoke in a humble, repentant voice. "Been tryin' real hard not to fail at anything since I got released from prison. Now I've failed at everythin'."
I went over and knelt in front of him then realized the knees of my pants were getting wet from the water dripping off of his hair.
"Kid, Jed, look at me." I waited until his eyes caught mine and I kept his gaze. "You're stuck in that colorless world right now and not seeing reality. You haven't been perfect but you're as close as anyone I've ever met. STOP trying to be perfect. I'm very happy you failed killing yourself last night."
He didn't say a word for a long time. His eyes continued to search mine. I hope he felt our lifelong bond. I did.
"Like that quote you told me. Goin' to say that to myself each mornin' in prison." He broke eye contact. "Heyes, you always told me you used my strength."
"I do."
"Today can I use yours?"
JED 'KID' CURRY
Me and Heyes heard the door scrape open and the light from above mix with the muted light in the cell. Heyes demanded to stay with me last night even if it meant he was locked in with me. I know Sheriff Birde left the lamps down here lit for him. I spent dark nights down here. He came down now carryin' Heyes' belt and boots that he took from him before lockin' him in here with me last night. Heyes is so skinny, he needs that belt to hold up his pants. He hasn't really gained back the weight he lost in prison. I'll tell Auntie to give him extra portions…if I see her before I go to jail. A sad thought hit me. "Heyes, I don't want to see anyone from Phoenix before I go to prison…except you and Chrissy."
"Michael and Martha?" he asked gently.
"Couldn't stand the sadness of sayin' goodbye," I told him truthfully.
I stood in the back of the cell straight when the sheriff opened the cell but had to reach to the bars for balance with my ankles wrapped so tightly. I looked down and heard the sheriff sigh loudly.
"If you're ready, Jed, let's get upstairs. You have two well-wishers before your trial. You'll meet them in our formal living room. Your feet will be loose today, but I need to cuff your wrists." I put my hands behind me, but the sheriff corrected me. "In front will be fine and more comfortable for you."
"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir." I heard him sigh again but he didn't make eye contact.
"Jed, do you need help on the stairs?" he asked, very deliberately.
Heyes took my arm. "I'll help him sheriff," he said before I could object. But I didn't want to object. I want Heyes' help to get me through today.
Sheriff Birde went up first and held me and Heyes at the top step while he spoke to Miss Beverly. I couldn't hear clearly but she still sounds upset with him. I caught her last words as she walked away. "I'll serve coffee and some of JED's baked goods from Widow Kirk in there," she said.
Sheriff Birde took a deep breath before turnin' to me and Heyes. "Your first well-wisher is waiting for you. Go right on in through that arch and to the right. I'll wait here with Heyes.
I was gonna object but he hadn't asked a question. Thankfully, Heyes is assertive today. Have to tell him I know that word…if I get to speak to him before they take me to prison.
"I'm stayin' with the Kid," he said, and walked into the room first.
Without lookin' at the sheriff, I followed him but stopped abruptly when I saw Jeff Birde, in his wheelchair, smilin' at me. I wanted to run. I failed him. I didn't take the Town Council job when it was offered to me, and he stepped up because nobody else did. He told me he was overwhelmed. I did nothing. And he challenged an outlaw that had taken over Three Birds. I don't know what my face showed…I felt that hopeless sad feelin' start in my gut and move to my thoughts.
Heyes greeted him like nothin' had happened. "Jeff, good to see you. Hear you're back working at the mercantile." They shook hands. Jeff rolled his chair over to where I was frozen.
"Jed, so glad to see you again. How are you feeling?" His smile seemed sincere and his eyes friendly. He held out his hand but looked at the handcuffs and looked away quickly.
"Glad to see you, sir," I said into the air above his head. "And thank you for the new clothes. I'll pay you…er, I'll ask Heyes to pay you for them." I needed to think of somethin' positive. That was easy. "And thank you for the note. It lifted my spirits."
I knew my answer was awkward. He is…was one of my best friends. He looked at Heyes, then back to me, and answered adamantly, "Jed, what's going on? We're friends. You've never called me…or anyone that I know of sir." He sounded almost angry.
I took a step back and waivered with my sore ankles. In an instant, Heyes was at my side, steadyin' me. He walked me to an embroidered silk couch across from Jeff Birde where I could sit down.
"Most people don't want to maintain their friendships with convicts,' I answered.
Jeff leaned forward and reached across the space between his chair and the couch, touchin' my arm. "Didn't have a good friend until you moved to town. I'm not giving that up for anything."
"It's my fault you were shot, that you ended up in that rollin' chair." I could hear the despair in my voice.
And he laughed. "Jed, it's not your fault; it's my stupidity that I felt so brave that I thought a hardened outlaw like Shaw would leave Three Birds just because I told him so. That's all on me, friend. All on me. Please call me Jeff and tell me we're still friends. My friends have disappeared because THEY can't stand to see me sitting in this chair. Even my brothers are uncomfortable around me. But I consider it a blessing because it means I'm alive."
Standin', it took a second to get my balance then I reached down, put my handcuffed hands over his head and hugged my friend, Jeff Birde. "If you can be friends with a convict, I can be friends with a man in a rollin' chair." I was surprised how tightly he hugged me back. I wish I was gonna be around to help him get through this.
I sat back across from him and saw Heyes leave the room in the corner of my eyes. "Don't want to hear you ever, ever call me sir again," Jeff said, smilin'. "And the clothes were a gift. Don't insult me by trying to pay for them."
I smiled and nodded and some of that despair retreated. It was still there but sleepin'.
Hearin' a noise from the hall, I saw Sheriff Birde as he strode into the room. He seemed pleased that Jeff was smilin'. "Jed, your next visitor, er, well-wisher is here. Jeff will be in the room for your trial." He pushed Jeff's chair out of the room.
And right there the despair rushed back. My trial. The end of my freedom. Heyes came in as they went out followed by Rocky. Oh no, not Rocky. I looked away from him. And I knew he hesitated behind Heyes.
Sheriff Birde walked by them both and I stood from the couch. I should have stood when he came to get Jeff, but I didn't…and he didn't correct me.
"Jed, know you didn't want anyone from Phoenix here except Heyes. This boy walked into Three Birds this morning because he was worried about you two." He took a deep breath while studyin' me. "Dr. Arden told him everything. Thinks he is owed the truth."
"Yes, sir," I answered.
"You got less than five minutes before the trial. Boy, whatever you got to say to Jed, make it quick." And he was gone.
Rocky looked uncomfortable. "Didn't mean to interfere, Mr. Curry. I was worried about you. Knew I wasn't gonna have much time so been thinkin' about what I want to say. Please let me get it all out. I ain't good at sayin' things like this."
I nodded and motioned for him to sit down next to me.
"Okay, here goes. First, thank you. You saved my life; no one else wanted to take a troublesome convict on parole. But you did. You gave me a family and Stephanie and Steven a family and a trade. You are the best, strongest man I have ever met. I want to be just like you - strong, lovin', kind, carin'."
He looked away from me. "Doc Arden told me what you tried last night. WHY? I don't understand. Everyone respects you. Everyone considers you a friend. I do, too." He turned and looked right at me. The tears in this tough kid's eyes unnerved me. "You showed me how to believe in myself. That I can make it through parole and live a normal life. Maybe help raise my brother and sister. Why can't you believe in yourself the way I believe in you?"
Sheriff Birde and Heyes were standin' watchin' us and I knew it was time to go, but I didn't have an answer for him. I decided to be truthful. "I don't know, Rocky. I don't know."