June 9th, 1800
...
Crying is a cathartic relief.
But I'll never stop crying. Through months, it's always the same, at one moment I'm doing fine and, all of sudden, my eyes are leaking against my will and it simply won't stop. It happens again when I least expect it, but I suppose it's fine because everyone else feels the same way.
The sky is crying, and so are the people living below the clouds. Some of them do their best to shed a smile instead of tears, like my aunt Agatha, who I visited today and I haven't seen her since I was a child. I was four, five, maybe six years-old when I saw her and then we met again after all of these years... I never thought I'd see her again, she's so old she could fit in a coffin. That would be a lot better than losing her life in the invasion.
During my stay at her home, if you could call an improvised shelter without a ceiling by home... I told her everything I could remember about Cleyra. I had to, it's something no one wants to speak about, they want to put the past behind and how I wish, I truly wish I could do the same so easily.
I can't just forget it all like it never happened. I'm not a fish, I remember it vividly. Well, sometimes I do. My memories are foggy at times, but I remember, the screams, the silence, the explosion, the flames... It's starting to get repetitive. Sometimes, I don't want to remember it, at all. I want to live a new life where I'm not attached to any of these events. I wouldn't even go to Burmecia if not to visit my aunt, so what am I doing in here if there's nothing else left?
Death and chance took away my husband and children. Though, I'm less concerned about Dan and more about the kids. I mean, Dan had a sword and years of training, not that these things could mean he'd still be around, but at least he had a chance to fight back. Meanwhile, all I did was run and hide. I was supposed to protect Adam and Jack and I... I let them die. They're dead, and if you tell me to move on without knowing what I've been through, then go to hell. Go to where I'm already in and see it for yourself.