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CHAPTER 4
5-8-2184
[ GEMINI SIGMA | HAN SYSTEM | MFS EVENT HORIZON ]
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Music played in the ambience. Marines mingling about with nothing but time on their hands. Groups huddled together playing their games while others lounged on cots with personal effects that were usually electronic in nature.
Not interested in board games or holding conversations, Juel passed his time combing through his hand-picked library of things to read from the extranet. Completely random stuff. Videos. News articles. Studies. He read and watched, tablet in hand, legs crossed, absorbing whatever happened to interest him.
Tali, from her cot, stared up at the ceiling, having elected to just sit in silence. She also, like Juel, was reluctant to partake in pastime activities with the others. That involved putting on a mask and pretending. She didn't feel like doing that. So the easiest way to find entertainment was to eavesdrop on everyone around her.
"—tuck in my filters and gummed everything up."
"That's disgusting. Stop talking about that."
"Everyone gets boogers—"
Eh. Boring. She focused in on another conversation.
"—Aight, gonna go take a shit. Hold my spot for me, Haldii."
"Wait, I—think I gotta go too."
"What are y'all eating—"
Yeah, no. Next.
"Your turn."
"No it's not."
"Yes. It is."
Ugh. Just as boring as the first. She tried for one more.
"—did you bring your coloring book?"
"Oh, no... I forgot."
"I literally told you to bring it. I even brought my crayons and everything."
Okay. She stopped eavesdropping. People clearly didn't have anything interesting to talk about right now.
She sat up and set her feet down on the floor.
"Bored?" Juel asked from the sidelines, eyes lulling from the cat videos Olasie had been forwarding him.
"Yeah."
"Does Olasie ever send you these?" He tilted his tablet so she could see.
She peered over and shook her head, "Uh, no."
"She sends me them all the time. She's obsessed."
"Maybe that's her way of flirting with you."
The hold on his tablet waned and he gave her an unconvinced stare. "Yeah, okay."
Tali shrugged and stretched.
The videos kept coming and Juel kept watching. "Oh my god, Olasie." He mumbled.
Tali reached for her duffel between her legs and zipped it open and pilfered its contents. Inside were the usuals. Stak-Aid packets. SM-10s. Injection Medi-Gel. Embuterolin Smear. Thermal Clips, suit patches, glass sealant. Back-up omni-tool, OSDs... blah blah blah, and John's deck of cards.
His tablet meowed and Juel stared on with a flat face.
"Just be glad she's thinking of you, Juel." Tali said, electing to pull out John's deck despite any motivation to play. "Wanna?"
He saw the deck in her hands and set the pad aside. "Yeah, I'm game. What we playing?"
"Black Jack."
"Nice."
They sat on the floor so they could have space to play.
She shuffled them and dealt him his cards—nine of Hearts for the top one.
"We've got a long while before we reach the Far Rim. How many relay jumps do we hit until we get there again? Five? Six? Hit me."
She obliged. Jack of Spades.
"Somewhere around there." She murmured.
"Gonna be dead of boredom by then. Hit me."
She rose a brow. Unless he was hiding an ace, that was going to be a bust. "Juel, that's... you're going to bust."
He looked at his cards. Then he looked back up at her. Then back down to his cards again.
"...I don't remember how to play."
She gave him an unimpressed blink. "You're about as awful at this as John."
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One week after Noveria incident.
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7/28/2183
[ SSV NORMANDY SR1 ]
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'ʜᴇʏ, ᴡʀᴀᴘ ᴜᴘ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ᴅᴏɪɴɢ. ɪ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴏ sᴇᴇ sᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢ. ᴍᴇᴇᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ɪɴ ᴍʏ ǫᴜᴀʀᴛᴇʀs?'
Tali got a look at who sent her a text and felt her heart flutter when she saw who it was from. She tapped a reply to let him know she'd be there soon since she was already twenty minutes past shift.
'sᴜʀᴇ. ɪ'ʟʟ ᴊᴜsᴛ ʙᴇ ᴀ ᴍᴏᴍᴇɴᴛ, ᴊᴏʜɴ. :)'
She sent it and closed out her console. "See you later, Adams. I'm calling it for the day."
"Bye, Tali. See you bright 'n early tomorrow."
A subdued smile set on display for no one other than herself, she made her way to the elevator, flattened out whatever wrinkles that happened to chance her realk, and made sure nothing on her person was out of place. There was even a slight lightness to her step as she went up the hallway to the Normandy's bay.
She might've looked normal, but make no mistake. There was also a battle she was still fighting from within. The aftermath of Peak 15 was only a mere week ago and it was something the woman was still recovering from. But life pressed on. For her and for the crew of Normandy. It was getting better.
But that didn't mean what had transpired were merely echoes. They were quite readily not echoes. The events were still quite vivid to the eye and violent to the mind. Blood-soaked snow. Gurgling cries. A bullet to grant a dead man mercy.
She could almost stomach all of that.
What she couldn't stomach was rachni ripping and tearing for no other reason than for their own cruel amusement. Tali had never been one to harbor retribution in her heart, but Peak 15 had beheld new horrors that had no good reason to exist. So impassioned by the depravity, her coming actions violated common decency. She became an arbiter of revenge of a man she never knew, and ripped and teared the same way they did that nameless and limbless figure. Took pleasure issuing a kind of justice devoid of dignity or grace.
But that was the problem. It made her ill, sick, knowing she could produce such incomprehensible violence. Of what was potentiated inside of her. Of what she could be motivated to do, given the right conditions. To wield it was not something she wanted to possess.
She glanced at Wrex as he organized his locker, and wondered if even he would have given the spectacle a side-ways glance. Or maybe he would've been proud to see her in action. It was hard to tell with him.
"Hey Tali."
"Oh." Pulled from the trance of self-reflection, she realized Williams had been standing next to her. Presumably to wait for the elevator too. "Hi Ash. How are you?"
"I'm fine." Ashley said, concern written all over her face, "But I feel like I should be asking you that."
"I'm okay." Tali offered. She absently played with the end of her realk pinned to her chest, "I'll be fine. You shouldn't even be worried. I don't have it as bad as Liara."
"Yeah." Ashley agreed. "I hope she'll be okay soon."
"I don't know if a week is enough to mourn losing your mom." Tali intoned quietly, speaking from personal experience. "She's going to need much more time to come to terms with it."
The elevator door opened and they both stepped inside.
The quarian hovered a hand over the buttons. "Where to?"
"CIC."
She pressed for their respective floors and the lift rose.
"Thanks for caring about me, Ash, regardless."
"You're family. Of course I'm going to care."
Tali stepped out and pressed her fingers up to where her mouth was. "Thank you."
As the elevator closed, Ashley gave Tali a soft smile. She went over to Shepard's quarters and knocked.
"Come in." She heard him say.
She stepped in and saw John at his computer.
"Hey." She greeted simply.
"Hey. How are you feeling?"
"I feel good."
He finally peeled his gaze from the monitor to her.
"You're definitely looking better, that's for sure."
"You think?" She looked at her clothes, "Is it my realk? I washed it."
"Hm. That must be it. Does look a bit brighter."
She sat on the bed next to him.
"How was your day?"
"Productive." John answered, "Busy. Brain's pretty fried. I'm done thinking for the night. I just came across this and thought of you. Wanted to see what you thought."
He put a hand up toward the computer. She gave the screen a closer look.
"Oh. Oh my. Fleet and Flotilla 2."
"Ah, so you do know about Fleet and Flotilla. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised."
"John, that's like… every quarian girl's dream to live the life of Shalei."
"Yeah? Well. We got a turian here. You can practice on Garrus."
"Garrus isn't Bellicus," Tali quipped with a smile full of wit. The moment those words left her mouth, she almost wondered if that was going to betray any of the feelings Shepard harbored for her, if there were any at all. It was a flicker of concern. What she really wanted to tell him was that she didn't want an imaginary man or a surrogate like the main character unless if it was the man in front of her.
John was her Bellicus in this story of hers.
Though, unlike the impassioned and tragic romance of Fleet and Flotilla, they weren't even together in this one.
She glowered.
Sad.
John was already back to scrolling through the movie's cover and description. "Never been much for musicals."
She stuffed the self-pity behind her. "What? Who doesn't like a good musical?"
"Me, I guess."
"Oh, John. You uncultured barbarian."
He bellowed a laugh, "You kiddin' me Tali? I'm plenty cultured."
"I somehow just doubt that."
He could only shrug.
"What makes you not like musicals?"
"They're unrealistic." He said.
"John. It's not supposed to be! Oh my god, when this comes out, we have to watch it."
"If that's the case, Then I'll need to watch the first one then too."
"You haven't eve—See? Not a lick of culture between those ears."
He webbed his fingers together behind his head and sat back, all smiles. She stood up next to him and kneeled in close to get a better read of the movie's description.
"Oh how exciting." She scrolled down and kept skimming the info, "This just brings back great memories. Back when mom was still around and I'd have sleepovers with my friends. And we'd all sing along and pretend we were in love."
"I had no idea you were that into this." John said with an infatuated grin.
She shrugged a little indifferently but felt herself blush. "And now I'm a little embarrassed."
"Embarrassed? I think that's the most charming thing ever. You don't need to be embarrassed about that."
"Says the man who couldn't ever be embarrassed about anything. Look at you."
He scratched his nose. "I can get plenty embarrassed."
"No you can't. You're Commander Shepard," She rose a hand as if she could imagine the plaque now. "N7 Special Ops. Council Spectre extraordinaire. Captain of the fastest frigate in the galaxy. Taking down Saren and his goons with his badass quarian sidekick."
She looked up at the ceiling, waxing imagination. "They should make a movie about us."
John, both amused and spellbound by the woman in front of her, nodded lazily. "Think it'd be better than Fleet and Flotilla?"
"Ha. Probably not." She shook her head, "That's a galactic hit. It's a classic now. Nothing beats classics."
"Plenty of stuff can beat the classics." Garrus said from the breadth of Shepard's door.
Tali whirled around and stuck out a hip. "Uh, bet."
"The Mirror and Silent Quake." Garrus said immediately. "Real artistic vision. Prodigious cinematography. Incredible narrative depth. And the lighting—It's videography perfected."
"That movie sucked."
The turian mocked his surprise. He scoffed and recoiled away from her as if he'd seen a monster beneath that mask. "Tali, no. Don't tell me you're one of those. Anyone who criticizes Heilmach's work just doesn't understand what storytelling is."
"Nope. Just sucked." She said plainly.
John decided to interject. "You needed somethin', Garrus?"
"Oh, no. I just overheard this tasteless quarian here talk about movies and I just had to step in and see what the fuss was about."
"You're a movie guy too?"
"Of course!" He said, arms out wide to show how much of a connoisseur he was, "I almost imagined myself becoming a movie critic. Writing up reviews. Studying plots. Unraveling mystery."
A plain and completely stolid stare from Tali. "That is… so hard to imagine."
"Didn't pan out," He said through a weak sigh, "We'll never know what could've been."
John reached for his deck of cards as a plaything for his hands. "Remind me never to take you both out at the same time for a movie."
"Garrus would certainly suck the fun out of it." Tali said, wanting to stick out her tongue.
"I wouldn't want to sit by a Fleet & Flotilla fan anyways." Garrus said as his parting gift to Tali.
"Perfect." She said to his back, "It'd be hard to hear the movie over the sound of you missing its point."
"Another poor soul stuck in the shallows of cheap cinema. Enjoy your puddles, Tali!" Came the turians disembodied voice.
She turned around to John and pouted angrily. "I'm going to toss that bosh'tet out the airlock," Her hands clutched air, "Then wring his dead neck in space."
"Garrus really knows how to stir your pot."
"Ugh." She glared at John. "Thanks for coming to my defense."
"Had to recuse myself. Don't have enough skin in this game. Watching you two argue though is pretty entertaining."
She crossed her arms in a heap and sat. "Why do I even try with him."
"That's half the fun of being here. Stirring people's pots with a shit stick; Pressing people's buttons— Entertaining self-absorbed jokes at another's expense. It's a lotta fun." He picked up that deck of cards again for no other reason but to hold them.
"You just always know what to say." She said kindly. She motioned to see the deck and he handed them to her. Pulling the cards from its little paper box, she spread them out and played with them only because she wanted something to fidget with.
He really did know what to say. What to do. There wasn't a thing about him that was out of place. John was perfect in every way Tali wanted him to be. The only thing that was missing was a woman to claim his own. And god she wanted to claim that spot.
"What're you thinking about?" He asked her.
"About what you aren't good at." She lied her white lie.
"Oh. Well." He pushed his brows together in thought and scratched his forehead a little with a thumb. "I'm… pretty awful at playing cards. Christ, I couldn't bet my shirt without losing it."
Tali laughed. "That I know is true. You are, without question, terrible at poker."
"See?" He said, "Commander Shepard isn't perfect."
She looked at him with nothing but love and admiration.
𝑌𝑜𝑢'𝑟𝑒 𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑓𝑒𝑐𝑡 𝑡𝑜 𝑚𝑒.
"But that's hardly a flaw." She said instead.
"Okay. Let's try to think about what else I'm not good at."
"Ever tried painting?" She suggested as a shortcoming of his.
"Painting with numbers." John said, smugly, "I think I'm actually pretty good at that."
She rolled her eyes.
"Sorry." He said apologetically.
"Drawing?"
"I draw a mean stick figure."
"Hmph. Cooking?"
"I definitely know how to grill."
She put a fist up against her jaw, making a plinth. "This is impossible."
"Hm… Maybe I am perfect." His voice went serious and it looked like he was suddenly having some kind of throughgoing and life-changing epiphany. "Huh. It never occurred to me just how great I am."
Tali groaned.
He was tapping his chin, eyes looking up as if he could stare down the heavens. "Tali, it makes so much sense now."
"Oh, don't let it get to your big head."
He dropped the charade and stood up, eyes crinkled into a smile. "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat, yeah?"
She stood up with him and stuffed the cards back in their box.
"Yeah. I could eat." She said, setting the deck down. She looked up at him with that twinkle in his eye, that happy face, and careless expression she'd seen a million times over. She loved all of it. So compelled by the moment and her feelings, she went over to hug him. To hold this man that was always there for her. She tossed her arms around his neck and squeezed.
"Thank you for being so wonderful to me." She mumbled in a delicate whisper. Eyes closed, she realized that his self-mocking spiel of his perfectionism wasn't too far from the truth. He really was perfect. Perfect to her.
She felt his arms wrap tightly around her and sighed at his warm embrace. Focus beset on the skin that she touched and on the man that held her.
His reply was quiet. Barely something she could even hear. "Anything for you."
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Present time.
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5-8-2184
[ GEMINI SIGMA | HAN SYSTEM | MFS EVENT HORIZON ]
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Juel laughed at himself and it drew her away from the memory of John she'd been transfixed on. She shook it away as soon as it had come.
"Not even a round in and I'm giving John a run for his money."
He surrendered the only card she couldn't see to reveal what was obviously a bust. 10 of Clubs.
She heaved a breath and got to her feet.
"You know what? I need to stretch my legs." Tali said, definitely not interested in playing now, "Let's get some tea."
"Alright. I could use some tea."
They left quarters and went down the narrow hallway toward the mess. It was a small and quaint space and they got to work dispensing freshly steeped hot tea into containers to enjoy.
Tali was just about to snap on the lid when an offending buzz emitted from her omni-tool. Lid still in hand, she set it down when she saw who the notification was coming from.
"What is it?" Juel asked as he stirred in sweetener.
"A message."
She read it.
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ᴛᴏ: ᴛᴀʟɪ
ꜰʀᴏᴍ: ɢᴀʀʀᴜs
ᴛᴀʟɪ. ɪ'ᴍ sᴇɴᴅɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛʀɪɴᴋᴇᴛ sʜᴇᴘᴀʀᴅ ᴍᴀᴅᴇ ꜰᴏʀ ʏᴏᴜ. ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴᴇ ɪ ᴛᴏʟᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ. ɪ ᴄʀᴏssᴇᴅ
ʙʏ ᴀ ᴘɪʟɢʀɪᴍ ᴀɴᴅ sʜᴇ ᴘʀᴏᴍɪsᴇᴅ ᴍᴇ sʜᴇ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴘᴀss ɪᴛ ᴏɴ ᴛᴏ ʏᴏᴜ. ʜᴇʀ ɴᴀᴍᴇ's ᴍɪʏᴀ'ᴋᴀʜᴛᴏ ɴᴀʀ ᴄʜᴀsᴜᴋ.
ɪ ʀᴇᴍɪɴᴅᴇᴅ ʜᴇʀ (ǫᴜɪᴛᴇ ᴀ ʟᴏᴛ ɪ ᴍɪɢʜᴛ ᴀᴅᴅ) ᴛᴏ ᴍᴀᴋᴇ sᴜʀᴇ ɪᴛ ɢᴇᴛs ᴛᴏ ʏᴏᴜ sᴀꜰᴇʟʏ. ɪ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜʀ
ɴᴇᴡ sʜɪᴘ ɴᴀᴍᴇ. ᴘʟᴇᴀsᴇ ʟᴇᴛ ᴍᴇ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ɪᴛ ɪs ᴡʜᴇɴ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ.
ʙᴜᴛ ᴛʜᴀᴛs ɴᴏᴛ ᴡʜʏ ɪ'ᴍ sᴇɴᴅɪɴɢ ᴛʜɪs.
ᴛʜᴇ ᴀʟʟɪᴀɴᴄᴇ ꜰᴏᴜɴᴅ ʜɪᴍ. ʜᴇ ʜᴀᴅ sᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢ ꜰᴏʀ ʏᴏᴜ.
ʜɪs ʟᴀsᴛ ᴡᴏʀᴅs. ᴛᴀʟɪ. ɪ'ᴍ sᴏ sᴏʀʀʏ.
~ᴀᴛᴛᴀᴄʜᴍᴇɴᴛ (1)
-ɢᴀʀʀᴜs
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A creeping shadow lengthened. Grew. A restless phantom always following. Always lurking. Its caustic visage reared into the howl that it always was. Its apparition rooted her soul. Knees locked and frozen, she stared at the letter and saw nothing but the encroaching void. The mess receded from view. Juel disappeared. Only blackness remained.
She stood upon nothing. An abyss. The world gone.
John had final words to gift. One might think a note toward closure. But Tali wasn't naïve to assume that. This was a key that would only unfasten and unravel what little she had managed to trap inside that broken heart of hers.
Right there. A simple press and she could listen. Listen one last time to a dead man she loved. Dread sucked the blood from her body. A cold wash spilled over her shoulders. Her skin burned. She felt like she was being flayed alive. Like she was paralyzed. Paralyzed of what his final moments would reveal to her.
But she had to. Even if it was a careless misstep toward that bottomless pit. It was a step she didn't want to take. One she didn't want to tread. But she had to. She had to face her pain. To honor his memory, his final words, and to hear what she hoped would also be his final act of love.
Reality bled back into her. She wasn't standing in an eternal void. She was standing in the mess, lid waiting patiently, tea still invitingly steamy.
Juel stared patiently at her with a worried look on his face. "Tali?"
"I..."
"What is it?" He asked quietly, piecing together enough to know the message wasn't good.
She wanted to scream. She wanted to kill the pain that haunted her. Rip out its merciless heart and hang its corpse as a way to threaten the universe itself. To show that she was tired of these endless games and the ceaseless manipulation she continued to endure.
"They found his body." Came an empty whisper from her, "Garrus sent me his last words."
Juel's stare was rigid and he didn't say anything.
She pressed play.
"𝗟𝗶𝗲𝘂𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝗖𝗼𝗺𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝗝𝗼𝗵𝗻 𝗦𝗵𝗲𝗽𝗮𝗿𝗱, 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗰𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗦𝗦𝗩 𝗡𝗼𝗿𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆, 𝗟𝗼𝗴...𝟴𝟰𝟯."
A labored breath.
"𝗜𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗺𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗮𝗴𝗲 𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝘆𝗼𝗻𝗲, 𝗶𝘁 𝗺𝗲𝗮𝗻𝘀 𝗺𝘆 𝗿𝗶𝗱𝗲'𝘀 𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲. 𝗜'𝘃𝗲 𝗴𝗼𝘁𝘁𝗮 𝗴𝗼, 𝗳𝗼𝗹𝗸𝘀."
She paused the recording and turned her head sharply away from the wave of grief and nausea that boiled deep inside. She sat like that for a moment as if it was going to save her from the quaking torture that was coming.
"Tali, I... I can go. I can leave you alone."
"No." She muttered, "Please stay."
There was a moment of weakness. A trepid hesitation of dread. One that gnawed her soul. Compelled by resolve and desperation, she forced herself to resume it.
A sharp inhale from John.
"𝗔𝗽𝗼𝗹𝗼𝗴𝗶𝗲𝘀 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗿𝗲𝘃𝗶𝘁𝘆. 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗺𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝘀𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱 𝗮 𝗯𝗶𝘁 𝗿𝘂𝘀𝗵𝗲𝗱. 𝗛𝗮𝗿𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸 𝗼𝗳 𝗮 𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗲𝗰𝗵 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂'𝘃𝗲 𝗴𝗼𝘁 𝗻𝗼 𝗮𝗶𝗿."
She could hear him struggling.
"𝗚𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗽𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗹. 𝗚𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗮𝗹𝗹. 𝗕𝗲 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗱 𝗼𝗳 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘄𝗲'𝘃𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗿𝗲. 𝗜𝘁'𝘀 𝗯𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝗮𝗻 𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗱𝗶𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗵𝗼𝗻𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗼𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂."
A few seconds ticked by.
"𝗧𝗮𝗹𝗶, 𝗜... 𝗛𝗮. 𝗜'𝗹𝗹 𝗸𝗲𝗲𝗽 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗲𝘀𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗮 𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗶𝗺𝘂𝗺. 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝗚𝗮𝗿𝗿𝘂𝘀 𝗴𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘂𝗻𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀."
A pitiful laugh bubbled from her lips. She rose a fist close to her mouth, lip pinched between her teeth.
"𝗕𝘂𝘁 𝗜'𝗺—…𝗜'𝗺 𝘀𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆. 𝗜'𝗺 𝘀𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗵𝗼𝗹𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗺𝘆 𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗲𝗮𝗹. 𝗕𝘂𝘁 𝗱𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗱𝘄𝗲𝗹𝗹 𝗼𝗻 𝗶𝘁. 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗵 𝗲𝗻𝗱𝘀. 𝗕𝘂𝘁 𝗶𝘁'𝘀 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗲 𝗮 𝗻𝗲𝘄 𝗼𝗻𝗲. 𝗜'𝗹𝗹 𝗮𝗹𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸. 𝗜 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝘆𝗼𝘂'𝗹𝗹 𝗺𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗺𝗲 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗱."
She heard yet another empty breath from him.
"𝗘𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴'𝘀 𝗴𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗮 𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗸𝗮𝘆, 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗱𝗮𝘆. 𝗜 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗺𝗶𝘀𝗲. 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗶𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗲𝗻𝗱, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘄𝗲 𝗴𝗼𝘁."
One last withered and pointless breath. Crackles of static.
"𝗜 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂." There was a long and deafening pause. "...𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝘀 𝗝𝗼𝗵𝗻. 𝗦𝗶𝗴𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗼𝗳𝗳."
It ended as soon as it had started. She stared past the email to nothingness again. Juel watched her become lifeless. She let her arm fall back down to her side. Not a single word from her.
John had survived that decimating explosion on the Denmark. He could've been saved. Yet he wasn't. He was taken from her slowly and not by some violent crucible of fate.
What was left to claw at was gone. Her heart had been ravaged enough. It was barely even there. Yet the despair persisted.
No sob came. Nor the arms of a regal solace from John's words. She was immobilized in a self-ravaged purgatory. There were no doors to lead her out. No rope to cling to. No rung to climb.
The howling chasm at the center of this trap beckoned her, its chain tightening, wrenching her ever closer and farther away from a reprieve that remained perpetually out of reach.
Then she was brought back. The croak of death receded. Present, she realized she was being clutched by Juel, holding her tightly and saying nothing.
Her head nooked over his shoulder, a tear finally fell and she closed her eyes to let the embrace heal what little it could.