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CHAPTER 6
One year later.
8-03-2185
[ MFS NEEMA ]
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Nervous Stimulation was a common commodity for quarians. Like, a really common commodity. Humans, ever present in intertwining their humor through the optics of sex, reduced its usefulness into a one-dimensional association. It was masturbating without masturbating. As funny as that was to Tali, it really was a disservice despite the novelties it provided on the periphery. Quarians weren't the only ones who'd made great use of NervStims. Militaries and industrial corps alike from across the galaxy used them in the gauntlets they'd give their soldiers and workers. Which meant a soldier could load a thermo magazine or have a worker operate heavy machinery with as much grace as a concert pianist. Reducing fuck ups and costing people their lives, or god forbid, their own.
While that was all well and good, it still didn't seem to be enough for many who called the Migrant Fleet their home. Many quarian machinists and engineers, as a good example, had gone so far as to turn their whole suit into a giant touch-sensitive hub. No engineer wanted to dive into the guts of a ship and snag their suit on the sharp end of a pipe without even knowing. But, as a quarian, if you didn't have an idea as to what full body stims were really for, you had the IQ yield of a brick.
Even then, those couldn't satisfy everyone. Not everyone was lucky to have someone in their life like that. So there were stims for that too.
Hm.
Perhaps the single dimension humans gave it wasn't all that far off after all.
Tali, who'd long debated of going through with a purchase between her and herself, got one. FeatherGrinderX v2.9.8. Wasn't that name just the most unassuming thing alive? Who could ever know what that was?
Embarassing. So embarrassing in fact, that she was already making up some contrived and intricate story about how it was all a gag gift from Olasie or Enyah. The excuse would more than likely fall flat on its face as soon as anyone had the fortitude to ask follow-up questions. But she had to have that 'just-in-case' moment when someone might glance at your omni-tool's interface for a second too long when they were standing over your shoulder.
Eigh. She was going to have to place this thing up in a really unassuming folder somewhere. Lock it with a passcode probably. Wipe her omni-tool if she ever died or something.
She filed all those thoughts away with a tight-lipped expression. When she started the thing before bed, anything she'd conjured up hours earlier to just return it liquefied away.
"Oh my." She murmured through a squeak. She let it continue until her climax which left her with a warm tingly feeling from head to toe that'd probably last for the next hour or so. Still lying in bed, Tali sighed, turned on her back, and stared up at the ceiling. A little noise from her omni-tool told her to rate the app. She sniffed at that. No chance in hell. She swiped away the notification and sat there wide-eyed.
She didn't remember the last time she'd done anything like this before. Her thoughts went blank for a while, so she continued to stare at that little spot on the ceiling. Ten minutes passed and she started thinking of John. A small smile spread across her face.
"...Hey John." She greeted meekly, "...Just thinking of you."
She ruffled the comforter and brought it up to her chin to snuggle under better. "Wanted to tell you that I still love you." She said with a small whisper, "And that I think about you every day."
Her smile waned into nothing.
"I miss you."
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Tali's omni-tool gave a ring.
…
…
Startled from sleep, she pried her tired eyes open and looked up to see who was calling her at such a terrible hour.
Juel.
Of course.
She accepted the call and lay back down in bed.
"Juel? Keelah, why do you make such a habit of calling me so early in the morning, damnit?"
"Sorry." Juel said, "Ever since our day cycles changed, it's been harder to contact you. Look. I'll change my schedule around to make it a little easier on you, okay?"
Tali closed her eyes and settled under her blanket. "Fine. Do it."
"I'll do it today. But that's not why I called."
"Why'd you call?"
He sighed. "Take a look for yourself."
She peeked one eye open and looked to see Juel's face get replaced to one of the Neema's hallways.
Both her eyes opened wide and she sat upright.
"Ｏｈ." Tali rasped, "Is that—"
"Yes, Tali. It's our shit alright. A couple thousand gallons of it sloshing around outside the septic tank."
"What happened?"
Juel frowned. "A team was preparing it for hard transfer to the liveships. Crane broke and ta-da! Now we've got anyone who's close by to help."
Juel zoomed in to show Tali the extent of the mess.
It looked bad.
"Keelah, it's all over the floor." She cried as she teared up at just the mere idea of how bad it must've smelled.
His face came back to view. "Yeahup. We've sealed off the whole refuse station from the rest of the Neema. Now come on. I really need your help. Like, now."
"Okay. I'm up. I'll be right down."
Juel's face came back to the video. "Don't put anything on. Leave your clothes."
"Right."
"Oh. And Tali? Turn off your olfacs now before you forget. The smell will never leave you if you don't."
"Okay."
"Bye. See you soon."
He ended the call and Tali grumbled before lazily falling back on her bed.
"Keelah." She sighed with a grumble, "Oh, no."
As she turned the corner, the first thing she saw was Juel wiping his visor slick with brown sludge.
She couldn't help but cringe.
"Tali," Juel greeted when he could see again, "Good. You're here."
"Where is everyone?"
"It's just you and I for this hallway."
"So we're the only ones that're going to fix this?"
"It's a two-man job." Juel said, "One to weld, another to watch."
"Okay." Tali sighed as she stared at the puddles of shit just outside the closed door, "How're we doing this?"
"We're lucky actually." Juel started to explain, "It was half empty when the dumbasses on cargo duty broke it. So the poop water is only about... eh, ankle high. I sealed the door off to stop it from getting any more out here. But we're going to have to go back in."
"Keelah."
"Yeah. We've got to be quick about getting in there." Juel said as he prepped the door, "So you ready?"
Tali took a hesitant step forward into the murky water with brown and green flecks.
She felt like barfing.
"I open the door, we run through, I close it. Got it?"
She nodded lamely at her fate.
"Got it."
"Go!"
The door opened and the two rushed through.
Tali whimpered through a cry as she felt both her feet sink ankle-deep in watery shit.
"This— this is bad!"
Juel dashed through right behind her and closed the door before nodding proudly at himself.
"If it brings you any solace, we've both made ample contributions to the septic." Juel said before pointing at a large floating nugget of poo, "Bet that one's yours."
"Juel."
"Yeah?"
"Shut the hell up."
He waved his hands up in surrender before waddling over to a table and grabbing his tools.
"So, I had a drone get a look at the damage from inside the tank."
"And?"
"It couldn't tell or see much, so when we get inside—"
"We're going inside?!"
"—Oh yeah." Juel nodded.
"Why can't you just weld from the outside?"
"Would if I could. But I can't reach half the break with the torch. It has to be from the inside."
"This is not what I had in mind for today." Tali sulked as she wrapped her arms around her chest.
"Don't sound so excited." He grumbled as he prepared his acetylene torch, "The oxy-acetylene tanks are already down there and ready to go for us."
He put the torch into his pack before hooking it over his shoulder and grabbing the ladder.
"Hatch is right up here." He said as he began climbing, "Come on."
Tali grumbled and followed.
"How many liters?" She asked when they made it to the top.
"Two tanks interconnected with two small ducts. About 75,000 liters total between the two of them."
She gave him a sad stare. "That's a lot."
"Yeah. it is." He said with a frown before unlatching the door, turning on his flashlight, and looking down into it.
"You need to know something." Juel started before giving her his full attention, "This is the large tank. We have to get to the small one through the duct to fix the hole."
"We are literally going to swim in shit. That's what you're saying." Tali said with a monotone rasp.
"Yup. Let's get to it." He crawled down into the tank and Tali swallowed whatever was left of her pride before following in after him.
"Why didn't you ask Olasie or Enyah for help instead, you bosh'tet."
"Because you're available. Olasie's somewhere else and Enyah's at the bridge."
Tali grumbled.
Juel met the end of the ladder and sunk his legs into the refuse. "You know, it ain't that bad a second time around. Kinda warm."
As Tali sunk deep into the saucy brown, she couldn't help but feel her breath leave her.
This was not a good start to the day.
Just when she thought it couldn't get any worse, she realized she hadn't met the bottom yet.
She sunk deeper and deeper until the goopy mud-like consistency met her thighs.
"Oh. Oh god."
"Oh, stop. We're in suits."
"Doesn't help." Tali breathed, "Doesn't help."
"Come on. Through here." Juel pointed as he mucked toward the duct before clipping the flashlight to his helmet.
Tali's eyes narrowed even further. The ducts that connected the tanks? There was just enough room for their heads to poke just above the shit water. Everything from the neck down would be under.
This'd be the end of her. She swore.
She mucked after him with a sigh.
When they reached the other side, Juel removed the torch from his bag and set it up with the oxy-acetylene tanks.
"Okay." Juel breathed, "Let's get started."
Juel turned around and fought with the tubes to get everything set up.
"Be careful."
"I am." Juel said, "Don't worry."
The next minute or so was carried in silence as he got his equipment together.
"How you handling?"
Tali didn't bother answering because she knew he was trying to get a reaction out of her.
"Yeah. Guessed you'd say nothing." He grinned as he kept working.
"How long do you think this'll take?"
"Not sure. Hard to tell with all the shit everywhere." He said as he leaned in close.
Then he slipped right on his way to the jagged and sharp metal.
In the time it took Tali to realize what was happening, it was too late for her to even do anything. "Juel!"
As he tried to save himself from falling, he caught his arm against the serrated metal and slashed it from wrist to elbow.
What moments before was covered in brown shit, was now covered in blood.
Lots of blood.
He dropped the torch and felt nothing but shock. Seconds went by and he stared vacantly at his bare and sliced skin.
"...Tali I—" He looked up and his empty stare met hers, "I'm—"
"—Going to be just fine— we have to get you out of here. Now."
She went to him and guided him back to the duct.
When they did, Tali froze. There was no way Juel could make it out of this one. Not without his arm getting bathed in this cesspool of septic sludge.
"Juel. Let me see your arm." Tali demanded. As delicately as she could, she gave it a look and winced. A steady flow of blood stemmed through the deep cut. He definitely nicked an artery.
"Come on." Tali said, turning back to the duct, "We can do this. We just need to hurry."
"I am..."
"You're okay, Juel." Tali assured, "You're fine."
"Tali... I'm losing too much."
"No. No. Ｎｏ. Come on."
He didn't move.
"Juel. You don't have a choice. You have to."
"—I know."
He sunk into the water until it met his neck and swam across the duct behind Tali.
Tali wanted to cry at the idea of losing Juel like this. She couldn't lose more people after all the things she'd been through in her life.
Not like this.
They finally made it to the other side and made their way up to the ladder.
"Break, Break, Break, we've got an emergency in septic access!" Tali called out through the ship's PA when she made it to the top, "We have a suit breach, Infection grade three! I need help now!"
She helped Juel up, climbed down the tank with him, and waited by the table with Juel clutching his arm dripping profusely with blood.
"Tali... I'm dead."
"Shut up, Juel. You're not."
Not a minute later, a quarian cleaning team with an anti-septic foaming water hose burst in and immediately sprayed them both down before putting Juel on a gurney, spraying medi-gel on his arm, and sending him on his way.
When Tali tried to follow, one of the men stopped her.
"No! You're unclean! You're under quarantine until further notice!"
"So are you! You're in here!" Tali argued, "You're unclean now too!"
"We've quarantined every hallway that leads to the infirmary to prevent this from spreading. Stay. Here. The less people out there, the better."
The door slammed shut behind them and Tali was left alone with only silence.
She fell to her knees, hands pressed closely to her chest as her mind raced to catch up.
"This can't be happening…"
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Two long days later.
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8-05-2185
[ MFS NEEMA ]
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"I need to get my dictation done, Hyuji." Taahn grumbled to his assistant, "Just draft a memo for that later, will you?"
"Sorry, Dr. Taahn. Will do."
With a small sigh, he went back to his computer before talking into his little mic.
"Let's see. Uhm. Next patient is Juel'Kaan vas Neema nar Gognimae. Patient currently being held in condition 3 clean room for rehabilitation. Blood work shows a category 3 infection. Detailed results are accessible in the patient's chart for review."
The doctor pulled up his previous correspondence papers.
"No notable hematologic abnormalities. The patient's history is clear of bleeding disorders or abnormal clotting. Blood transfusions were conducted without complications," he noted, flipping through the documents. "No adverse skin reactions or allergies reported. Respiratory function normal, with no signs of asthma or chronic coughs. Endocrine evaluations within normal limits—no reported intolerances to temperature or dextrose."
He looked over more of his papers.
"Emergency assessment exam was performed as patient was inducted into anti-septic spray room. Blood pressure and heart rate were critically low and measured 65 beats per GSM at time of incident due to a large laceration on his left arm starting distally from ulna to ulnar. Artery was severed entirely."
BP was 72 over 40. Patient was in tachycardia before progressing into bradycardia. Patient then experienced a life threatening cardiac arrhythmia and was treated with defibrillation. Vitals stabilized after third attempt of resuscitation."
He leaned into his chair and glanced up to see Dr. Dalak'Ghoraan coming up to lean against his office door. Holding up a finger to the other doctor, he continued his dictation, though he did it a little faster to show he wasn't going to be much longer. "Blood loss accumulative. Sepsis and gangrene are likely to follow. Organ failure is a significant concern. Flag me for future updates as the situation progresses. Refer to Dr. Ghoraan's correspondence for future information. Amputation likely. Decision to carry on with procedure will be decided upon pathology's determination. End of record."
"Dalak," Taahn greeted the younger doctor, "Any updates?"
Dalak's expression was grim. "The arm, Taahn. He's gotta lose it. I'm not seeing a viable path here to saving it."
Taahn gave Dalak a pause for consideration. "I told you already, if that's the case, then we need to make absolutely sure that's the call to be making. I'm not deleting an arm until pathology comes back."
"It needed to be gone hours ago. Taahn. It's poisoning him. We are risking more than his arm if you keep waiting."
"We wait," Taahn's tone left no room for further debate. Dalak made a show of hands with a resigned sigh.
Catching what would've been awkward silence, Taahn changed the subject. "Has immediate kin be contacted?"
"Immediate kin? No. But he put down Olasie, Enyah, and Tali. They're already aware of what's going on."
"Then contact them again about what we might have to do. Do you know which of the three is his other half?"
"Uh, no. My guess is Tali? Up until recently, they've been working together in that lab of theirs day in and out."
Taah shrugged. "That sounds like a safe bet. Or maybe it's all three."
"Don't guess." Dalak warned, giving a slight chuckle, "I'll have them sent up here."
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The women sat quietly in Taahn's office, all three of them staring absently at nothing and processing the situation in all of their own ways.
Enyah was sitting uncomfortably upright, hands interlocked tightly together, teeth clenched and eyes wide.
Olasie sat in much the same posture as Enyah, though her eyes were narrow, head hung low.
Tali glanced at them both and wrung her hands in her chair.
Taahn finally entered his office and gave their backs a high brow. Quite the posy Juel had worked up, he thought to himself.
"Thank you all for coming by on such short notice."
The three women said nothing, but they all turned to face the doctor walking to his desk.
"How is he?" Olasie asked with her crestfallen stare. Enyah and Tali waited for the doctor's answer. The man stole himself a moment to collect his words carefully.
Doing this one-on-one with people was never easy. Thankfully, he was informing not one, but three. And that always came as a bit less daunting because they could handle the news with each other instead of taking it out on him or watch them get swaddled by solitude. Regardless, dispelling a bleak prognosis was still daunting.
"This is going to be difficult to hear. Juel is stable for now. But we won't know for how long. Surviving accidents like these are rare as they are. Cutting his arm where he did... Well. It did him no favors."
Tali felt herself sniffle and her eyes threatened to blur her with tears, but she fought them away. "Then what are we looking at?" She asked for the three of them.
They watched his chest rise and fall heavily. "That you should pay your respects in case anything happens."
"Oh. Oh my god. Please tell me there is a chance he'll make it." Tali's breath hitched, a precursor to what was supposed to be a bout of tears. But she willed them back.
"We cleaned the cut as best we could. Thorough irrigation. Anti-biotic baths and drip. I'm waiting for pathology to tell us if our attempts can save him from what is likely imminent: amputation. Even then, I cannot guarantee that Juel won't continue to decline. I need you all to be prepared for this."
He waited a moment for them to digest his words.
"Would you like to see him now?"
The three of them looked at each other and then nodded dumbly at the man all while saying nothing.
"Okay."
They all stood and made their way to Juel's room. Taahn gestured to the door that separated them from their dying patient and left without another word.
Tali stared at the door's polarized glass for a long while with dread. This wasn't going to get any easier. Momentary forestalling was only going to make this worse.
She knocked for the three of them.
"Juel. It's us. Olasie, Enyah, and me."
Juel peeled his eyes open and stared at the door they were standing behind. He made no indication or sound that he heard them.
The three of them shared stares and Tali frowned.
"We came to see you."
More silence. Tali took a good look at Enyah and Olasie to see what they might've been feeling. They both, equally, looked like they dreading what was beyond this door.
Lower lip pinched between her teeth, Tali squeezed her eyes shut and finally worked up the courage to just open it on everyone's behalf and see him.
Anti-septic mist was the first thing that greeted them. They waited for the jets to finish the rinse before entering.
Tali's mouth parted into a mild shock when she finally looked at him. He looked like death.
His thin halos were angelically white amidst black pupils. His hair was black. Like hers. Tousled and somewhat unkempt from what the past two days had done to him. Skin steely. His brows looked to be set in a permanent furrow.
He also looked incredibly weak. Sweat beaded him and he breathed heavily.
There was a stifled choke from Enyah and she closed the distance to stand at his bedside. "Keelah, Juel. I cannot imagine the pain you're going through."
He didn't say anything and didn't meet her gaze. Olasie stepped up next to him on the other side of the bed.
"How do you feel." Olasie asked in a way that didn't sound at all like a question. The appearance told her enough.
There was a weak shrug from him.
"I don't know." He answered Olasie but stared at Tali. Stared through her visor with his dead eyes.
Tali swallowed and didn't say anything to him. She felt uninvited by the stare alone. Out of place. Aloof.
That stare. It might've been the first she'd ever seen that face of his, but it was unlike him. Her imagination expected that sarcastic, chip-on-the-shoulder, acerbicness that he always carried around with him. But it wasn't there. Not even remotely. He looked detached and wretched. She understood why he might've had such a departure from his usual self, but still. Three words from his mouth and she felt like she was standing in front of a man she didn't know.
His stare faltered and fell back to gaze at the sheets that covered him.
"I think you guys should go."
Enyah almost felt like her head was about to fall off her neck. "Juel, we— we just got here, what do you mean?"
He didn't even dignify Enyah with the grace of meeting her blotchy and tearful stare.
"I want you to leave."
Olasie's eyes narrowed into a glare. "Juel?"
"Go. I don't want to ask again."
Enyah was absolutely crushed. She didn't know where this was coming from or why it was happening. This was not the Juel she remembered. Not one bit. She wanted to fight him. Wanted to tell him to shut up and that he didn't mean it, but the words died on her tongue. She choked up and immediately turned on her heel and walked out, hands fruitlessly trying to swipe away her falling tears.
Olasie watched Enyah make her exit and her face twisted into a bewildered one. Olasie wasn't able to even remotely describe what she was witnessing, but acquiesced to Juel's croaked wishes. She took a few shuffled steps backward, face a mess of concern and confusion, wondering if she was imagining or dreaming up some kind of self-made delusion. Seeing as she wasn't, her stare lingered for a moment longer and decided it was time to find Enyah and console her for Juel's withdrawn response. But before going, Olasie locked eyes with Tali, then pensively looked off, head partly down. She left without a single word.
That left only Tali. She reared her head at him and became the sole arbiter of their defense.
"Juel. You almost died." She pressed with an angry scowl, arms up and palms open, "We were worried sick about you. Do you have any idea how bad we feel? How bad Enyah and Olasie feel? And you just told them to leave?"
He didn't say anything for a moment. Her arms slowly fell back down to her sides.
"I'm dying, Tali."
A tear welled in her eye. "No, you're not. Don't you say that. Don't you dare say that."
"I told you to leave."
This was unbelievable. Baffling.
"What is this all about?" She couldn't help but stammer, "Why are you acting like this?"
He leaned his head against the pillow. Stared up at the ceiling. Bore his teeth into an open scowl.
"I'm done. I'm done with life. I want to die."
Her teeth chattered from the words coming out of his mouth. "...How could you say that? Especially when you have a family here that cares. Enyah cares. Olasie cares. I care."
He leveled his eyes at her. They were focused. Strong. The weak aura around him gone.
The only person he'd ever fallen in love with was either dead or suffering an existence worse than death. Everything about his life was a pathetic limbo since then. A slow decline. No crescendo was going to meet him to turn things around. That much was apparent when the universe decided to grant him a fate so pathetic, he might as well seize the moment and toss himself out an airlock as opposed to dying from sepsis. Gifted by none other than the Neema's communal tub of shit. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. It was sick and twisted. The universe's way of making one last joke of him before snuffing him out.
"Care." he repeated, "Who are you convincing? It's not me. You?"
"What do you mean." She challenged, though her blood ran cold.
"I'm -suffocating-. Just like you. The same way you said to me. Imagine yourself hoping. -Wishing- your beloved was dead; Praying she isn't lost to a life where death would be mercy. I couldn't protect her. It's agony. Spent five years in agony. And you—propping me up as a surrogate for your own loss. I can't do it anymore. I can't help you. I never could."
The woman in front of him was so stunned into silence, she could hardly feel her legs from the words she was hearing. Her heart almost failed her.
His pitiful murmur made her knees weak. Made them want to buckle from where she stood.
"Please, leave, Tali. Leave me in peace."
Her mouth hung open. Her lips trembled and her eyes burned. She tried to utter out a final cry to a man ready for his call. But nothing could touch her lips.
"Go. Just. Go. And don't come back."
Tears clung to her eyes and she felt herself crumble. She finally obliged him by turning away to the door.
"...I'm—I'm sorry." She choked in a murmur, "Dear god, I'm so sorry."
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She tightened the brace around the drum filter for the sixth rotation before finally shoving the manifold back into its slot and sitting on the floor up against a wall. With her arms hanging limply over her knees, she stared numbly at the machine across from her. Hiva, one of the Neema's engineers, caught notice her sitting in one of the filter rooms as he crossed the hallway and stopped whatever he was doing to see what was up.
"Tali...?" He said as he stood at the doorway to the filter room, "It's past your shift."
He glanced at his wristwatch, "Almost an hour past your shift, actually. What're you still doing here?"
The man sighed when his question went unanswered. Tali kept staring blankly off into space, Hiva largely ignored.
"...Thinking about Juel?"
Eventually, she nodded slowly. He bit his lip and gave the ceiling a contemplative look. "Yeah. Visited him an hour earlier myself."
He decided to take a spot across from her by leaning on a desk. "He, uh—"
"—Doesn't look like he's going to make it." Tali sighed, "I know."
Hiva nodded and crossed his arms across his chest before staring at the floor.
"I bet it's not the only thing you're thinking about." He said finally.
Tali faced him for the first time since he'd entered.
"What do you mean."
"You're thinking of Shepard. You're afraid of losing someone else again. Maybe not as close as Shepard was to you... but close enough to make it hurt."
Tali was taken aback for the second time that day. What the hell? How was everyone reading her mind today? Just out of spite, she kept her lips sealed. Hiva nodded, mostly to himself, and said nothing. Eventually, she broke.
"I've... lost so much, Hiva." Tali murmured sadly as she too stared at the grate just below her feet, "I just don't want to lose anything anymore."
"That's part of life, kid." Hiva said with as much compassion as he could put in his words, "Life's quite the pisser."
"What am I supposed to say to that?" Tali said, looking back up to him, "That's not helping."
"Didn't say it was supposed to." Hiva said honestly, "Just telling the truth."
"Hiva. I'm not in the mood for a philosophy lesson."
"No I suppose you're not." He agreed, "But it certainly looks like you could use someone to confide in right now."
"I'd rather not." She said with a shake of her head.
"Your glass speaks a million, Tali."
She scowled. "What am I supposed to say? That I've lost everything? Lost everything important to me? I already told you that, Hiva. And it's not making me feel any better."
"Maybe so. But you've made progress. Believe me."
"No. I haven't." She grumbled frustratingly, "I don't know what you're talking about."
Hiva was a good man. Tali knew that completely. He had a great wife, a daughter he'd get to call his own, and was a fantastic engineer. Cared immensely for people. Bless his heart, the man tried to help everyone. And Tali did appreciate his offer, but she really didn't want it right now. All she wanted was to be alone.
"Tali..."
"Hiva, I appreciate you, but I'm just— I can't right now." She stood up and brushed past him to get out of here.
"...Fine. Okay." He said with a sad nod, "Keep your head on your shoulders."
She offered no reply and didn't let up her pace. Her mind was too tangled in a whipped mess of anger, disbelief, and sorrow to be saying anything anymore. It all swirled around that vulnerable and fading face of Juel's. She couldn't forget it. And she struggled with this feeling that her concerns might've been more self-serving than she'd realized after what he'd said to her. Juel was dying and she felt like her concerns weren't concerns for him at all. How self-serving and self-centered. It felt sick to even think it inside her head.
But she was scared. Terrified of witnessing another loss so soon after John. Afraid of widening the void Juel's absence would undoubtedly create. She didn't want to face the tepid condemnation that their relationship was less about mutual support and more a bulwark against the suffering she so desperately tried caging. Never had it occurred to her that it was this way. That she was cloaking her disrepair under a guise of concern. Now she had to confront the harrowing realization that this all stemmed from not wanting to slip ever closer to the howling dark that chained her.
She took a bend down the hallway and into the Neema's modest courtyard which doubled as a hydroponic garden. It was a rare pocket of tranquility, here. No one would openly acknowledge it, but the verdancy here was partly an illusion, with artificial flora mingling with the real, all to keep maintenance and resource use to a minimum. This half-plastic garden was often mooted for conversion into yet another storage space, but it persisted as the Neema's sanctuary against the ship's busy backdrop. It certainly did maintain an air of serenity that was unfitting of the ship's utilitarian confines. With its frayed ceiling wire and organized clutter beseeching its hallways.
Tali picked a bench and sat down before letting her dazed stare gaze at the plants around her. Eventually, she closed her eyes and exhaled slowly.
For a long while, she kept her mind blank.
No Juel.
No Neema or Normandy.
No reapers or collectors.
Or Garrus.
No Liara.
No John.
No Lazarus.
She opened her eyes and narrowed them in contempt.
Lazarus.
She'd nearly forgotten about that. Thinking of it immediately made her think of Liara. Then Garrus. And then, of course, John. Her hands, kept firmly at her side, flexed into fists as she churned all the thoughts again in her head. Made her brain melt a little.
She knew she was digressing from the present problem of Juel. But no matter how checkered and blurred the lines were, they had to be connected.
They had to be.
...Right? Or was she finally losing it? Just... succumbing to some tin hat conspiracy by means of insanity? Tali's empty and unblinking glare should've made her worried about that, but it didn't. Until she found out definitively what it all meant, and whether or not John, Liara, and Garrus were connected, Tali supposed the brain-melting and tin hat conspiracies would stay.
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