Chapter 36: Something that should matter more than it truly did

Varsha stared at her not-father for a long time before she sighed: if he was already on the wrong path, she couldn't let him know what was really bothering her, and if he wasn't... Sirius Black would probably not appreciate being called a potential Death Eater.

In all cases, telling him the truth was likely the worst thing she could do here.

He probably wouldn't agree, but that'd entail telling him, so: no.

She could, however, go with an assortment of minor truths, reasons for her mood that weren't wrong even if not its most important factor:

"It's just... I was supposed to go on a date with Manon, a girl from my year. My friends, Mom and Dad. Shivansh is there, but he's the only one. Everything... Nothing I've done in my life exists here, not my drawings, not my friendships, not my good grades in charms and ancient runes! I don't..."

Varsha had to take a breather there: the words had gotten away from her, pouring out faster and faster, and she hadn't realized how much all that was actually weighing on her mind until she'd said it out loud.

Usually, she was optimistic and easy-going, but this time...

Varsha couldn't find it in herself to imagine a way past such alienation – especially when she'd have to worry about the closest person to a father she'd ever get here obeying Voldemort's whims.

She couldn't look Sirius in the eyes anymore.

"...I don't know. If we'd disappeared into nothingness, it wouldn't be the same as getting it all back, but at least I wouldn't be able to regret any of it. We're staying, though, and that means..."

Well. Varsha would probably manage to work past that, she always did, but right now it all felt very heavy and unpleasant. More than anything, she didn't like looking at Sirius and wondering if this was all an act, if it was too late already – or worse, maybe, if he was genuine in his care but still went out and murdered people because they didn't have the right ancestry.

Varsha and her brother were pureblooded, as it was, but she was almost certain some of the others weren't – the triplets, to begin with. It wouldn't make sense for their dad to hide as a muggle married to their mother, if their mother wasn't a muggle herself: it'd have been way too suspicious, as a work colleague or some other witch or wizard might have dropped by the house.

Where did this Sirius' morality fall? Muggles, muggleborns, muggle spouses, halfbloods with direct muggle heritage? Were old bloods safe, or were their centuries of magical bloodline not enough to counterbalance the muggle half or quarter of their ancestry? What was too much, what was acceptable, what was inconsequential?

Varsha had no idea: such considerations seemed completely foreign and useless to her, but dozens of people out there were killing for those, and even more simply cared even should they not wear masks to act upon those thoughts.

...Dad had always been interested in genealogy, and Varsha couldn't remember asking him why. Perhaps his stance on blood matters had evolved from there.

"The other half of your family are the Patils, right?"

Sirius' question only half-surprised her, considering the way her thoughts had been going – and Varsha wasn't sure what to make of it.

Shivansh answered for her:

"Yeah, Mom... It's a bit weird, I guess, but Mom had a time-travel accident too, and she ended up twenty years in the past, as part of the generation before hers, but she was a Patil no matter if it was 1995 or 1975. Mom told us stories about her accident and how it was to adapt, because she'd left a twin sister behind, too, but living it isn't quite the same..."

Sirius kept silent for a long moment, watching them – until he gestured for Shivansh to come and sit closer, a thoughtful look on his face.

Varsha's younger brother only hesitated half a moment, making it clear enough, once again, that he wasn't quite as worried about Sirius' allegiances as his sister was.

When Shivansh sat down, their father-who-was-not slowly raised a hand, hesitated for a moment – waiting for rejection, perhaps – then carefully put it by the boy's head, quietly bringing him to rest against his side.

Dad used to do that, too – much more than Mom, he was even the one who took care of the siblings' hair most of the time.

Sirius Black, in all versions, Varsha suspected now, wasn't going to tell you how much he cared, or to default to hugs and companionable pats on the back – it was more likely to show in how far he'd go for you, as opposed to anyone else.

Perhaps further than you'd like, too.

Still, the hair thing was not something Varsha would ever resent, especially as he'd never do that for someone he didn't want to get close to – without, you know, getting touchy-feely with no particular results or reasons.

...Though Shivansh's hair did not need care as of right now, but better not to mention that.

Shivansh certainly didn't seem to mind.

"Time travel, uh? I didn't expect that, I must say. Or, at least not as something that happened to your mother. Don't hear a lot of true stories about time magic, I guess, especially from the future and towards the past. From what I understand, it's pretty dangerous, generally accidental, and even when it goes well, it's also very conditional. You kids are a bit of an exception, because you don't come from the future, more... from futures which could have been?"

Sirius didn't seem to know what to do with the explanation given by the Department of Mysteries' unspeakable, and Varsha could only wince along:

"Mom... Mom specialized in time magic, after her accident. Wild events can change the course of time and erase the original future, like what happened with her, but manufactured events are mostly cyclical, and when they aren't that's when things become problematic. If this was time magic... You said it was because of a machine, but I think the spells that collided with both it and yourself count as wild. So, yeah. There's nothing left of our time."

Shivansh seemed to shrink against Sirius' side – the older wizard's hand immediately curled under the boy's wavy hair, rocking gently against his head.

Varsha's little brother, she knew, had been taking all this as well as possible – given the circumstances. Better than her, perhaps – though, Varsha hadn't been half as uncomfortable with the situation until she'd realized...

But this Sirius was taking care of her brother, right now, even when he didn't really know them, didn't know what brought comfort and what triggered unease: he was trying.

She might not know where he stood in this war – not truly – but at least he seemed to care.

It reminded her of the girl who wasn't one of the newly-existing children: Sirius had taken in an orphan, Juliet – someone Varsha had never heard about before, not in her world nor in her mother's, and maybe she could glean something out of that...

Besides, if Juliet was really to be adopted soon, she'd be one more sibling to contend with and get to know. Better learn why she was here beforehand, rather than ask her and potentially trigger some terrible memories: she might be the daughter of someone Sirius knew – someone who'd died.

1979, after all. People were dying left and right, on either side, and out of those too.

Sirius, of course, hadn't followed her whole line of thought – mostly because Varsha hadn't shared any of it, for reasons already disclosed.

"Varsha... I'm not going to pretend I know anything about what you... but, not just you, Shivansh too, and all the others even if it might not be as obvious to you yet, what you're all going through. I'm sure it's complicated, and unpleasant, and disheartening."

The girl's eyes flickered towards her brother – she'd been taking care of him, at first, and then she'd gotten distracted by the realization that the man who shared so much with their father might secretly be a Death Eater.

She wasn't certain of when she'd last asked Shivansh how he was doing.

Sirius's head tilted so that he could look at Varsha's brother. His fingers opened slowly, combing through black hair in a familiar gesture.

Sometimes, Varsha wondered if her dad wasn't a bit sensitive with his hair – not quite in a bad way, but still, too aware of its presence, its weight, its movements. It would explain why he was always touching his own head – and theirs, by association – with such caution.

Like something that should matter more than it truly did.

"You aren't alone, even if it might feel like it. And sometimes... Sometimes you have to leave some things behind, because you can't keep them no matter how much you'd like to."

Varsha almost said something about their world just not existing once more, but Sirius' words sounded a bit too on point. Not like he'd lived exactly the same thing – none of the kids had gotten a choice here – but as if he'd had to make that choice at some point.

Which was, arguably, better, because he hadn't lost absolutely everything and what he'd left behind still existed, if somewhere else – but also a lot more difficult to actually do, because he'd have needed to let go while it all was still within grasp.

The girl watched the – older, but still a teenager – wizard for a moment, before her eyes wandered to the manor.

Family.

...She didn't know how much of Sirius' story was the same as her father's.

"Did you... Did you run away, then? From Grimmauld Place?"

Sirius only shrugged – except, not. Despite the apparent lack of care, his fingers stopped moving along Shivansh's hair, whose brown furrowed in concern even if he didn't say anything.

"I had to. Your grandparents... Dad is complicated but not mean; Mother, on the other hand ... With her, it depends on the day, the hour, the weather, the phase of the moon and if I'm here at all. It got worse over the years, mood swings, anger, and it was always more difficult with me than with anyone else, as if I brought out the cruelty in her. If I'd stayed..."

Varsha didn't know what to say to that: her dad would have never shared such a thing with his children, but Sirius... Sirius didn't, couldn't look at them the same way.

Perhaps he'd share with his brother, Regulus, if they'd still been talking – if he wasn't certain Regulus would side with their mother, if there was any point to trying.

Sirius only added a quiet:

"Be careful around her, during the next family reunion."

Varsha could feel there was more to it – but Sirius had decided to stop there, on that particular point.

Shivansh didn't seem to care, though:

"We've met her, you know."

Varsha blinked – then nodded along.

"True. Dad... wasn't a big fan, and it's not like we did Christmas together, but we do know our grandparents. Maybe they've changed, between our... time, and now, but still. Not going in blind."

Sirius did look a bit relieved, if not entirely convinced.

"...Right. Well, then. I'll be counting on you to keep the others on their toes, too."

Shivansh nodded against the older wizard's side.

"Can do. The trick is to get Grandfather's focus, anyway, Grandmother doesn't interrupt then."

Sirius' fingers started moving in Shivansh's hair once again.

"...Mother must have gotten soft in her old age, I suppose."

Varsha wouldn't qualify Walburga Black as "soft" in any reality, but Sirius knew what he was talking about better than anyone: maybe her grandmother had gotten less sharp and crushing, as she'd begun attending Hilma Rowle's – from the other Rowles, the not-quite-respectable Rowles, the bastard-succubus-seduced-branch-from-more-than-two-hundred-years-ago, they'd heard more than enough on the matter, but despite all her complaints, Grandmother Walburga kept going and could now hold a conversation with their dad without anyone screaming, so – sessions.

They'd see, Varsha mused, in two days.

Sirius made a displeased face and slumped a bit.

"...Or maybe I'm the problem, once again. She is worse with me than with anyone else."

Varsha risked a look at the young man's face, and only found tension there. Shivansh gently ducked under Sirius' hand, straightening into his spine with his legs crossed, and shrugged at his older sister to convey that he didn't like the way this was going.

The girl didn't either, so she fell back on the subject she'd been wanting to ask about anyway:

"Erh, can I ask? About Juliet..."

Sirius' mouth twitched – his eyes fell on Varsha's with a squint.

Aware that he was being distracted, and unsure if he should allow it quite yet.

"Who's... I mean, how did you end up with her, exactly? I'd ask her, but she's..."

The girl was playing a game of checkers with Procyon, back at the music kiosk. Quiet, her eyes never leaving the game long – mostly because she didn't want to look at anyone, Varsha thought.

She wasn't at ease with either the manor or the other children yet, and apart from Sirius...

Their great-grandmother had the patience to handle her despite the lact of reactions, and Varsha believed the younger girl had noticed and was getting slightly more comfortable with the old witch. Dana was trying, too, and the teens who seemed to know – to have known another version of – the girl back in their own worlds did include her in many of their activities, but that didn't mean Juliet was opening up quickly.

Frankly, the five-year-old girl seemed a bit...

Sirius had been watching Varsha, the teenager suddenly realized, from the moment her eyes had wandered towards Juliet and the kiosk. Evaluating her, somehow.

Varsha beat back the deep fear – what had he been looking for? – and told herself he was simply trying to see where she wanted to go with that question. There wasn't any reason, not even with all her doubts, for her to worry about this particular moment.

Shivansh saved her, this time – knowing her brother, this was at least half on purpose:

"Juliet's five, and Varsha doesn't want to ask something that'll make her sad, since she's an orphan."

The teenager tried for an approving smile; it came out crooked, perhaps a bit trembling, but the subject itself might allow a lack of confidence: this could only be a heavy conversation.

Smiles were, by default, unwelcome here.

Whatever Sirius had been looking for, the young man decided to answer:

"I suppose you'd better learn of it now... Some of the others do know, anyway."

As Shivansh wasn't leaning against him anymore, Sirius just let himself fall on the lawn, his eyes on the clouded sky above. There wasn't much to look at, but considering how much there was to say...

"Juliet's muggleborn. She did some obvious accidental magic a few weeks ago, the Ministry had to come and deal with the witnesses, and after that... Someone gave her name to a Death Eater: a bunch of them got to her house four weeks ago, killed the parents and almost started on the children. Aurors were called and I got there before my supervisors."

Sirius kept silent for a moment there, contemplating the situation: Varsha and Shivansh were children he didn't know very well, and usually, executions were not an appropriate subject of discussion with kids, but. Both were also his, both were Blacks – and he didn't need to get into the gruesome details. The fact that three of the Death Eaters didn't have heads after he'd dealt with them was not a necessary part of this retelling.

"I got them by surprise, and things got a bit... out of hand. By the time Moody and Smith joined me at the scene, the seven of them were dead, and the children... weren't."

Shivansh leaned over, frowning – seeing someone above you like that was a bit funny, actually.

"The children? Not just Juliet?"

See? Blacks: Sirius having killed seven people – who'd deserved it, but still – didn't even seem to register, or at least not in the way it would for anyone else.

Sirius raised a hand to touch the tip of the boy's nose – it darted away as Shivansh made a face.

"Juliet has two brothers, but they're both muggles. They're with their uncle, and Juliet would be too, except she's got magic, can't go to sleep if I'm not around, and she's still in danger as someone might want revenge and targetting the muggleborn sister is the most likely choice, so. She's staying with me, and if no better solution comes around, I've been thinking of adopting her."

Varsha looked at him for a long time, and Sirius couldn't quite tell what was going on in her head.

He'd noticed, of course, how the girl seemed a lot more cautious around him than she'd been the first day. Something – he didn't know what – had spooked her and she wasn't willing to say what.

Sirius could only show her who he was in response, and hope she'd accept it as it was: lying about himself – in this particular case, in that particular way – might work for about twelve minutes, if that. Trying to pretend he was better than... well, himself, or even just different...

Varsha would end up seeing the truth, or he'd have to keep pretending, and Sirius really didn't see the point in doing that.

On the plus side, the girl was already used to a Sirius Black, if not to Sirius as he was right now.

...She might decide he fell short compared to his older, slightly different counterpart.

"...Doesn't she miss her family, though?"

Shivansh's tone was a bit worried, and Sirius could only imagine how these children, who'd lost everything by ending up here, with him, related to Juliet's story.

"Of course she does. But we tried letting go back to her muggle uncle: she only calmed down when I came around. The situation's horrible and we're trying to make do with it."

As things were...

"I'm taking her to see her brothers next sunday, in the afternoon. I know I said I'd make time for you all, but Juliet... I gave her my word, too, and it's not something I want to walk away from, not unless things get so dire there are no other choices."

Varsha plopped down by his left side, her elbows planted in the lawn to hold up her head: she had a slight frown on her face, but also looked distinctly less anxious as she spoke:

"What, did you think we'd mind? I mean, I can't talk for the others, but Shivansh and I?"

Her younger brother nodded and took Sirius' right side, somehow laying his head over the older wizard's arm. It felt almost like having Regulus back.

Perhaps Dana's statement of considering him a much older brother rather than a father or anything in-between was the best way to go about this, truly. Not that Sirius had doubted it, but he couldn't say he'd had much of an opinion on the matter, when the girl had reported the news a bit earlier.

Shivansh added:

"There's so many of us, we'll find something to do."

"Shivansh's right, we can just make friends with the others while you're out with Juliet. If we're all to be siblings anyway... What does she like to do, actually?"

Sirius blinked, taken aback: nothing came to mind right away.

Perhaps because he'd been so busy trying to make sure Juliet was safe – and felt it – that he hadn't really had a chance to do anything with her. Everything they'd done together had been distractions, ways to ensure she wasn't dwelling on the memories of her parents being killed by a bunch of sadists in front of her and her brothers, attempts at gaining familiarity.

Sirius had never thought of these times as "activities", and that meant...

The walks around London – something he'd have liked to do as a child, except his parents wouldn't stand for their sons carelessly mingling with muggles – were alright, but he couldn't tell if Juliet actually enjoyed them or if they were simply calming. Sirius had also gotten a few muggle fairy tale books to read in the evenings, so that the young girl would hear something familiar before going to bed, and sometimes he'd ask her about her old life, trying to avoid the more obvious reminders of the recent tragedy – always looming over their head.

Remus had taught Juliet how to keep quiet about magic – now that she knew she was a witch – around muggles, when he'd visited the other week, and while she hadn't said much, it was clear the girl took to practical advice very easily.

What did Cornelia tell him, about Juliet's time at the daycare? They'd started on learning to read, and she always watched the others drawing – more than she herself engaged in the activity, but she did seem interested...

Cautiously, Sirius tried to answer Varsha's question:

"I'm not entirely sure, but... You said you draw, didn't you, Varsha? Maybe she'd like to have a look. And... Stories, perhaps. Something with a moral, she often comments at the end of the tales."

Shivansh seemed interested, if the shifting at Sirius' side was anything to go by.

"Juliet likes to talk about stories?"

Varsha laughed.

"You'll get along just fine. Though, she's five, maybe don't go too fast with your reading."

...If the children could find enough to bond – not just with each other, but with Juliet too – then they'd manage just fine, Sirius mused. Some days might be hard, but they'd manage.