An AU Colenny Unpairing
Definitely Not a Threesome
Drama/Angst
Summary: Penny's history project partner Cole gets the group's first look at the real Leonard Hofstadter. Penny comes across the confrontation and listens to the full conversation.
Plot AN: Leonard is Zero Kuhl, underground Eurasia DJ/recording artist, drug dealer and rave promoter to the stars. Partnered with Seth Rogen's Christmas Rave movie. AN End
Author' Notes and Disclaimer: The Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother, their characters, dialogue and plots are property of their respective Production Companies Creators and Networks. I obviously am not compensated for this in any way besides entertaining myself without my WIFI access. I am just playing in their respective universes.
Confident in the progress he made today, a young man travels down the stairs planning his next move. Not noticing the person following him.
"Hey Cole!"
Caught unaware the man turned around to see…
'Oh it's the boyfriend.'
He thinks smugly to himself. He is taken out of his thoughts by the short little man's voice.
"That smug crap doesn't fly with me boyo! Walking in on Penny flirting with you is just her pattern for when things get too intense and she is trying to push her feelings away. By pushing me away. Asserting her dominance in the relationship because she feels insecure. If He was still around, I'd… "
Clenching his fist so hard his knuckles crack sending an eerie feeling though the Tall good looking English born part time model and full time perpetual student's spine.
" I don't know what to do for her with that. Just be her friend as best that I can. But…YOU. Cousin… are a different story! One that I have read cover to cover and mastered long before I ever met her or even considered living here in the land of Pixie Dusted Plastics…"
Chuckling
Cole realizes the extent to which Leonard is aware of his rebuffed attempts at seducing her.
'Not like he can do anything about it. Sorry mate. But she wants me.' He smugly thinks to himself.
"I trust her to be faithful as long as we are together. Anything that happens that is purely consensual…is on her! However, Cole …if you try to take advantage of her or slip her something. Like you were suspected of at the University of Nevada. In more than one instance mind you…"
His eyes widened in shock. 'H-how did.."
Deep breath then continues as if having a casual conversation…
"Or should I call you Pryce. Changing your legal name doesn't erase your history, cousin. And I believe your student visa was issued in your birth name. Even if it's just switching your Family and Given Names. What? Pryce Michelle Coleman. Your forged papers must be top notch. Then again Community Colleges don't do background checks unless you file a FAFSA form these days. You'd think after 9/11 there would be better security. Especially at educational institutions. This is close to two military bases and other valuable assets in a heavily populated and lucrative urban center. But…I digress. Sorry, sorry…I'm being pedantic."
"I get it. You've been working on her all semester. It took me six years. Frustrating for you huh. Hence that little show upstairs for my benefit. Cause us to argue. Yeah I've been through this b.s. before. With her many times before . But you are different.
Don't flatter yourself. You, the flirting and attention are just an ego boost for her. The whole keeping me on my toes unnecessary bullshit. Same shit different guy. It's annoying but her previous exes, well…they left their mark. Not in any good ways."
The eldest son of the Hofstadter clan removes his spectacles and cleans them with a cloth he retrieves from his jean pocket.
Sigh
"She won't just fall over with her legs open like you are used to. So you're planning what? A little chemical encouragement? Yeah? Like back in Nevada, the state you are fleeing with fake papers and the laziest alias that…"
Huff
" Allow me to introduce myself. Dr. Leonard Hofstadter PhD, MS. M.B.A, J.D., B.S., B.A.,A.A. and so on…too many degrees and awards to list without sounding like my pompous narcissistic douche of a roommate. But the name that I'm sure you would recognize based on the stories you've been telling Penny? Well… I'm Xero Kuhl."
The Englishman shoots him a disbelieving and dismissive look.
"Yeah right. Mate!' Your Xero Kuhl"
Undeterred Leonard continues…
"I am. Erm, I was in another not so distant life. We both know that there are rules. Right, Eurotrash? No lie cousin…"
He smirks slowly revealing a predatory smile that shows way too many teeth.
'Does this bloke have fangs?...Oh shi…'
Ich bin Chaos! Juis suis en direct! Watashi wa ribinguendodesu! Mæ̀ k̄hxng c̄hạn khụ̄x sī ro khūh̄̒l!"
"You won't see it coming boyo. And it won't look like what it is. I will go back to partying to pay off the debt if it takes the rest of my life."
He casually states in a bored tone.
"I would gladly go take the death chamber proudly with a smile on my face….Cependant tu seras mort."
Sigh
Cole can't see the confused and increasingly angry Penny, as she is hiding around the corner.
'What is with this fake gangster act of his? I may have messed up but he is going too far with this…French, Japanese, and what was that at the end. What is he saying? Zero Cool is right! Ugh he's so insecure…God?'
Her thoughts are interrupted by her jealous, insecure and apparently possessive boyfriend's voice.
"When we first started actually dating, not that Rom Com bullshit limbo we were in for three years. But actually made our half assed attempt at something real. You know how it is. Right?"
Suspicious and now on guard, Cole slowly nods.
Sigh
"Her well earned commitment issues and my well…"
Deep breath
"Me. She drunk called an ex and invited him to crash with her and hang out. You see he had a gig in town and no place to crash. For good reason actually. But back then she didn't look too deeply into things. Didn't think things through, even when she knew better. She's grown but is still insecure and needs external validation. It's very tiring actually."
The sarcasm, irritation and resignation dripped from his voice all at once.
"You see Pryce, what she didn't know or suspect was that he was desperate and not just for a place to crash. And a sexual predator like you. Let's call him Douche-bin. Douche boy was an o-kaay guitarist. Nothing special. Sucks for a guy trying to make a living at it. Yeah? Follow me so far?"
He explains as if talking to a middle schooler. After receiving a nervously uncomfortable nod from his audience he continues his story.
"Well…Douchetin spent more time chasing ass than honing his craft. He…planned something similar to what you are planning to do at the party that you were gonna invite Penny to. Well, that's before I stepped in and pissed her off. Causing a scene. Doucherin, the lowlife bottom feeder planned to have a party with her and some guys he was trying to get a studio musician job with."
"He was going to slip something in her drink and SHE wouldn't remember the Party. Though I believe they planned to video it. Idiots. He apparently would get a gig even though he sucks as a professional guitar player. Their words."
A cold feeling begins to creep up the Welsh borne student's spine. Lead in his gut. And he suddenly feels like he has to pee really badly.
"What we could make out between the screams that is. She actually believes that Doucheboy broke his legs in a motorcycle accident.
Hahahah…"
Horrified Penny covers her mouth. She aims her phone around the corner to video the conversation. Having begun recording earlier based on an unexplainable compulsion.
The laugh holds no merth. A broken and mournful sound. Penny holding back tears, listens to the crazed confession…
"Well…sigh…she also readily bought another professional bullshit artist's lies about a motorcycle falling on me when I sat on it? She has come a long way since then. But patterns. Coleman. Pryce? They are comfortable and addictive to slide into. Predators look for them. N'est-ce pas... une poubelle?"
Cole shakes his head in denial. However his weak protestation is ignored as the now scary and possibly dangerous man continues.
"I and someone else who loves her just as much, probably more, broke both legs on that…poubelle de violeur. Nous lui avons rendu service. N'est pas?"
Spying the dawning of recognition and horror on his prey's face, the former underworld underground figure continues.
"He actually took our suggestion. And he focused on becoming good at playing the instrument. So that he may actually become talented enough to get the job based on his talent. Je n'aurais pas à droguer un proxénète et faciliter le viol collectif des jeunes femmes pour gagner leur vie.."
Shuddering at the memory. Guilt causing his voice to break. Hot tears leave his eyes. A shudder of broken sorrow wracks his small yet erect and strong frame.
Transfixed and more than a little afraid, Penny's study partner focuses on the tears as they hit the lobby floor. Tracing them from the spectacled eyes of her insane boyfriend.
'He can't be…not fucking likely…"
But he knows that he has never been good at lying to himself…
" R- econstructive surgeries, plural. Six months healing and three months of rehabilitation. He actually got a recording contract as a studio musician in Nashville Tennessee.''
Sigh
" We gave him no choice but to practice everyday… all day. He hasn't contacted her since! Even a criminal bottom feeder like him can learn. You're wondering. He didn't go through with it. So…why break his legs right?"
"A question for musor, kotoromu plevat' ni na chto i ni na kogo, krome sebya. He breaks into flawless Russian.
Around the corner Penny listens and is growing increasingly fearful.
'Is that Russian?'
Fearful at whatever she will hear next from her sweet harmless nerd boyfriend's mouth. The different languages are hiding something. But his tone is nothing she has ever heard from him. Even further horrified and ashamed that he is telling the truth about Justin and Coleman. Or if Leonard is telling the truth Pryce.
Her seemingly multilingual and crazy boyfriend continues.
"You see Pryce , he had already invited her to the gig and had the boys ready for a party...Yeah, it didn't happen. Only because she thought better of it and decided not to go. After I pissed her off and she actually thought about the damage her little ego trip was going to do to our relationship and friendship especially. Kagaku ni kansha shimasu!
The attempt was already set up. Five T̄hạng k̄hya k̄h̀mk̄hụ̄n h̄̂ā xạn waiting for her. So…We broke both of his legs. And left the others well…various stages of… The point is this…
Pryce Micheal Coleman or Coleman Michelle Pryce…1435 Villanova Blvd, number 43!..."
After letting the new data sink into the audience's mind, the Talented Dr. Hofstadter continues his impromptu seminar…
"Don't ever plan the drugging, pimping out or sexual assault of a military veteran combat specialist's daughter, cousin or niece Hoo Rah! (Giving his best Pacino impression.)
"Or a connected drug dealer slash chemist's sister. Or…
Huff
the guardian angel, savior and only real friend of a broken machiavellian and corrupted toy like me. Trust me they all are somebody's precious person."
Satisfied that the smug piece of trash is now about to wet himself.
"Damn! That was some good weed man. I'm feeling all honest and shit. Pardon me. As my narcissistic and borderline sociopathic roommate would say.. 'There is no reason to cuss."
'...in English where polite company can hear.' He finishes the sentence mentally.
" That's a direct quote boyo!...Out of sequence chronologically, but…A few months back. Before Douchetin of Nashville… Jigantor, The Abusive Roidssauros Ex© manipulated her into going out with him after finally paying her the money she loaned him to keep him out of jail where he belongs. He tried to sexually assault her after she turned him down. Not the first time either . Ya i moi tovarishchi tak sil'no yego izbili. On rubezahl, kak pobitaya sobaka.
'G- German, Japanese, Thai, bloody Russian…? Her brother is a connected drug dealer…fuck me!!! Military veteran combat specialist father, uncles and cousins?! Shit!!!'
"Well… to pay off the debt. My s tovarishchami tusovalis' v Malenkoy Moskve. Jigantor the Roidssauros Ex recognized my former associates, so he apologized and ran like the bitch he was and still is. I think that he got locked up in Georgia for attempted sexual assault. Yeah…well. See what I was saying earlier about patterns. Pryce?"
Horrified, Penny holds her free hand over her mouth and almost stumbles as the information shocks her, causing loss of balance.
Sigh
Internally Leonard berated himself with his guilt over the poor woman or women who suffered because he didn't…
A deep shuddering breath…
"People have patterns, Coleman. Pryce you are no different. Your time at UV? What? Mae'r genedl yn fyw ac yn iach gyda mi neu hebdo. Rydych chi'n gwybod y cefndy hwnnw!
'Fuck me! He knows that I speak Welsh!"
Wide eyed Cole starts to realize that this little man. This weakling that he formerly felt was no threat to him ...is really
'…the Adder hidden in the hill grass. Like da used to say.'
"Zero Kuhl" he breathely forced out through his fear.
For the first time a genuine not a false or predatory smile still with too many teeth graces the face of his growing thoughtful man.
"Pleased to meet you.
Heh…heh…heh…"
The five foot five nearsighted Experimental Physicist, Chemical Engineer and former Drug dealer/party boy takes off his spectacles and cleans the lenses yet again. Holding them up to the light to check their clarity.
"You stepped into it. Big time cousin..."
Leonard's mind wandered to his time with Wyatt during the man's first visit. That time was tense. Sheldon work stress, Sheldon home stress, Howard and Raj's usual bullshit at work and home. Penny's little charade finally broke him. He and Wyatt went to the roof where they shared a joint of Wyatt's homegrown medicinal. Leonard broke from guilt and unloaded on Wyatt.
Wyatt was moved by his plight and referred him to a psychiatrist in town that he trusts. One that deals with PTSD. Wyatt assured Leonard that he isn't a sociopath. He is just a battered and abused soul with questionable moral code according to the societal norms of the sheltered and untested. Just Wyatt himself. Someone who is in need of a friendly and discreet professional ear.
This was the impetus of his change. This is how Leonard regained his confidence. He began exercise therapy at the behest of the psychiatrist. Joy was his first relationship where he stood his ground, unfortunately it was only a fling. He really liked her, but they weren't compatible beyond the physical.'
Penny is shocked and heartbroken. Her mind is in a rush processing this information. She doesn't want to miss anything. She checks her phone to make sure that it is still recording audio and has enough juice. She may need evidence… if Leonard actually is dangerous.
'Justin!?' He was planning that? Daddy!! He's the only one that would do something to Justin in that case. Especially after Kurt and how powerless he and mama told me that they felt to help me. I pushed everyone away for Kurt. He wrecked me. L-leonard had some drug dealer friends help him beat up and scare Kurt so badly that he wrote that letter of apology and disappeared. Leonard was a drug dealer. Since when? What the fuck is this Zero Cool shit?!'
" Yet another bad decision. The lawyer! He had his apartment rigged for video taped her having sex with him. Without her knowledge or consent. Someone, don't know who…"
Points to himself and smiles…
"Hacked his server and erased those videos but kept the ones of the lawyer having a threesome with two underaged at the time pornstars. Then someone…"
He tilts his head and rolls his eyes as if to say 'obviously me.'
"…blackmailed him and his cronies at his firm to get the money that helped her parents get through their financial issues. By creating a legitimate business opportunity for them through a dummy corporation and Investment Trust he set up. The digital age, cousin, is upon us.
Penny is the only true and real friend I ever had, well…besides her dad. The month before she moved in… I was ready to eat a bullet man. My life and the people that I loved were gleefully destroying my
sanity. She saved me. By being my friend. By showing me that I wasn't worthless. I couldn't even look her in the eye. Not because I was shy or intimidated. But because I didn't want to risk her seeing how broken and empty I was."
Taking a deep breath to bolster himself he continues.
"Our previous neighbor taught me to cook, to dance and play rock music on my Cello. I bought my first electric cello thanks to Louis/Louise. Dr. Dipshit, my current roommate ran him..her…? off like every other tenant on that floor and the one above since that narcissistic jackass moved in. Louis/Louise and I were more lbroken and abused people finding comradery and mutual safety in each other's company. Together we fought our loneliness and isolation. We accepted each other as we are. A great g-gu…erm wom… A great person. We didn't get to develop a real friendship thanks to that selfish parasitic wackjob that I live with. Louis/Louise taught me French baking. How to cook healthy Creole/soul food. I paid for the cooking lessons of course. It's his...erm…her…their trade after all. A three star Michelin rated chef."
He smiles with pride thinking of his former acquaintance and the success they have achieved in New Orleans, and with the steady returns on the small capital investments he made in the limited business partnership.
"Baking Mr. Coleman. I bake, what I'm told are restaurant quality French pastries and confections. Louis/Louise also taught me homemade wine making. We were gonna start brewing beer as a small business until Dr. Dipshit and the two Creepy flying butt monkeys …"
deep breathing to get his temper under control.
"I invested in the family bistro in Louisiana and the micro brewery they started there. Then later rolled the returns into the winery and whiskey businesses."
"I'm not rich. Nowhere near it. But…I am pretty well off. As in, I won't die broke like most academics. Hopefully. The economy and business profitability can turn on a dime, you know. Every cent that I make is invested back into something else. The market, low interest loans to promising entrepreneurs. Hell, I invested in the manufacturing and distribution company that approached Penny about her fashion accessories. They were having trouble and needed capital to expand. They didn't need much. Just enough to cover expenses for their outstanding orders until the bank loans came through. Got myself a small ownership stake out of it. So…"
"I know what you and she are probably thinking. However, I am not trying to control her. The deal would have fallen through because they were overextended financially. They didn't have the capital to complete their outstanding orders that quarter, which would have affected the loan applications for the necessary expansion. It actually was relatively low cost and a safe investment. That is one hell of a coincidence huh?
Her side business was something that she worked for, earned and was proud of. However, my investment came before they made her the offer. And it had nothing to do with me. She earned that opportunity on her own."
"My point is…she is my angel. She inspired me to do better and be a better person. She was my safe place. She's the only family that I have that is worth a damn. She saved my life and helped me to bolster my sanity. Meh…her comment and intimacy issues while frustrating are normal growing pains we all suffer through. Especially me. And after everything she has done for me ; I'll be damned if I let…another piece of predatory trash like you or my former friends crush her belief in herself, her self-respect or even attempt to attack her dignity."
The raw emotion and tears falling from this broken man's eyes would be heartbreaking if not for the words and threats being spoken. Spellbound and increasingly terrified the young Welshman continues listening to the tale being told…
"I'm empty Pryce. All Used up. According to my egg donor and birther, I should have been aborted. Hell cousin… I died three times…. I was drowned by my former best friend at the beach in New Jersey. I Flatlined. I was 8. I came home from the hospital on my birthday to a family gathering. It was my grandfather's funeral. There was cake. German Chocolate. It was almost like a birthday party."
Deep breaths
"A motorcycle accident when I was in Germany, you recognized the name so you know when. Beltane 1999.
Tsch
…I flatlined twice. "
He conveys with mirthless chuckle
"I was overdosed in France during the Summer Solstice in 2002. Some selfish trust fund bitch slipped me something, date raped me, then left me in the hotel room. I was apparently dead for 3 minutes. And the thing…a month before Penny moved in. The perils of being a genius. It's not just quirks and cute idiosyncrasies."
"So…if Penny is feeling self destructive and does something with you consensually, then that's on her. But if you…ever fix your diseased mind to do what we both know you were planning to do because she didn't just drop her panties like every other chick you set yourself on. All except the three in Nevada of course. You Are Dead!
He pushed out through clenched teeth.
"It won't undo what you did. But you will be in hell where you belong. I won't be far behind you. I am a solution guy. Yeah buddy. I had you checked out, thoroughly. Questionable shit around your leaving UV Pryce. The name change, the fake papers amongst other things violate the terms of your visa? Using a fake name and tax identification number on your apartment lease. Which means you are in this country illegally and are perpetrating several frauds. In the current climate…post 911?
Tsk…tsk…tsk
But this is all just hearsay, just like the rumors about you and that, what was she? Oh yes, the University of Nevada Dean of Admissions underaged third cousin. Very reckless Mr. Coleman. And very criminal. It's the digital age man. And Nerds talk. Not just online."
The now naked and exposed Pryce Coleman is very afraid and looking for any opportunities to get out of this place. To get away from who appears to be an infamous underworld figure from the Euro/Asian Elite's party circuit. He snaps his attention to where Zero Kuhl is looking
"I called Davey boy's wife, Penny."
Her eyes widened in shock.
'He knows that I am here!'
Cole "Pen…?
Snap snap
"...She is a model and one hell of a human being. And besides he was man-slutting it up with any and everyone who said yes. You were just one of many on that trip. Sorry. You are special just not to a man slut like him. He left me to do all of his work. Work that he was fully prepared to take all of the credit for. I was juggling three projects and classes that I had to teach that semester. After that whole bull shit in the science journals about me. What an asshole. You had your head shoved so far up your own ass, that you didn't notice me and Sheldon taking the bus and cabs to work. You actually bought that b.s. about the bike falling on me. He totaled my car! The Volvo that me and Uncle Floyd bought and restored. Piece by piece over three years, every summer that I stayed with him in Buffalo. Go Bills!... Well he paid to fix it. I didn't get it back until after the New Year. Thankfully Sheldon was out of town. So he was only annoying in the weeks leading up to the Holidays."
Tha…that is why I know that I will never be good enough for you Penny. You are the first person that made me think it was possible or an option for me. The first person that I actually connected with personally. You saved me. There is no length that I will not go for you. Because you made my life, living here bearable for me. But this loser is just more evidence that I can never be what you need or want. I will never be enough. I was broken long before we met. Long before I…
He cuts himself off. Tired of talking. Tired of threatening. Just tired of this.
"I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone. No more. I never wanted to cage you or hold you back. I just wanted you to love me and to be free enough to reach your dreams. Not give up more and more of yourself and settle for Me, Anyone or Anything else. You have done enough of that. Please continue with your studies. It's just two semesters of liberal arts bull shit, then you get to the good stuff. The acting, writing, filmmaking and video production."
He takes shuddering breaths to calm himself and continue. He has to finish this
"My research and asking around tells me that the Pasadena playhouse has spots open mostly for talented students. It can gain you the respect you don't get at the cattle call auditions that you are used to. Where it will be about your talent and experience. Not your look or whether or not the casting agent thinks that can bed you. You are magnetic in person, on stage. You are too good to give up. Please. I beg you not to settle. I want to read about you earning and winning those Emmys, Oscars, Tonys and SAG awards. I-i am holding you back. I finally see that now. I'm sorry."
"Remember Pryce. Her choice is Her Choice. But we both know what you were planning. And I will come back just to kill you! …But we are just talking shit here right buddy? I'm just acting tough."
He gets directly in the taller man's personal space and pinns his eyes to his own. Cole sees the truth. Every word spoken including saying goodbye to Penny was true. No lies or exaggeration. He knows that this man will kill him if he slipped Penny that party pill.
Trying to hide his fear and diffuse the situation he responds
Cole: "Y-yeah, no problem mate. Just joking around right? Later Penny. We'll meet at the library from now on. Um…okay. Bye!"
He tries his best to leave without seeming to run away. His hands in front of him to hide the wet spot that formed on the front of his trousers at some point during this horrifying encounter. Mentally panicked and planning to gather enough money to return home to England.
With his head hanging in shame and revulsion, Leonard passes a shocked and horrified Penny on the stairs. He silently climbs the four flights of stairs for the last time.
He enters the empty apartment and heads straight to his bedroom. He then proceeds to pack his clothing and essentials Uncle Floyd's old duffle bag. His course set. He is leaving California…and Physics. A clean and complete break.
After years of being pushed further and further past the breaking point, he lost his mind. When is kind of fuzzy to him. Probably before Penny moved in. He did just barely manage to stop himself from pulling the trigger. Deep down in what is left of his soul, he knows that he will not miss this place. The apartment, Pasadena, or the state of California. He will not even miss his job. He really won't miss anyone or anything here. This is not his home. It never was. He has never had an actual home. She was the closest he has ever come. No…
'I will miss Her.'
However, he is determined to find his place in the world wherever that is….
Because he has nothing but time now.
'Nothing but time.'