Disclaimer: This story is based on the BBC television series Keeping Up Appearances written by Roy Clarke, which as far as I know, is the property of the BBC. No infringement is intended. I also want to reassure you all that I have not forgotten my True Hyacinth Series and I have not forgotten my other story, Gelignite. It's just that for some reason, the creative juices have been flowing like crazy for me here lately, and when I started getting the idea for this new story as well, I couldn't resist doing it, so the days and weeks ahead should be very interesting, Lord willing. Thank you all very much for stopping by. (((HUGS))) from Jesus and me to anyone out there who needs one in these insane times. Happy reading, and God bless. :)

Chapter 1: Business as Usual

"I'm sick and tired of hearing about C.P. Benedict and his friend, the Baron!" Emmet Hawksworth complained to his older sister, housewife Elizabeth Warden, as they sat together in Elizabeth's lounge that Thursday morning. "Hyacinth's been going on and on and on about C.P. Benedict's friend, Baron Jacoby, for the past two weeks! She just will not stop!"

"Oh Emmet, you know Hyacinth. She's always desperate to try to climb the social ladder. And getting her sister Rose to talk the owner of our local garden center – not to mention his good friend, Baron Jacoby – into coming to her candlelight supper tomorrow night is her biggest social achievement yet. I know how annoying it is, listening to her incessant bragging and all, but you know that with Hyacinth, it's inevitable. You'll just have to grin and bear it a little while longer. By tomorrow night, it will all be over and done with, and then Hyacinth will move on to her next little scheme to try and climb the social ladder."

"I don't care what schemes Hyacinth wants to concoct to try and climb the social ladder. She's a grown woman, and whatever she wants to do with her own life is her own business. But why does she almost always have to get us involved?"

"Because we live right next door to her, and because we're her friends."

"You're her friend, Liz. Not me. I can't stand the woman!"

"Emmet, you really do have to learn to stop taking Hyacinth so seriously all the time. Just let things wash over you, like I do. Just let your mind wander. Think about other things while she's prattling on."

"I can't think about other things, especially when she starts singing at me! It kills me, it just kills me, how she's always butchering some of my most favorite songs. My ex-wife left me for another man. I lost my house. Haven't I suffered enough? Why, why, do I have to put up with Hyacinth on top of everything else I've already been through? It's so unfair! Haven't I earned the right to be left alone by now?"

"Well you aren't doing yourself any favors by staying in the house all the time feeling sorry for yourself," Elizabeth told her brother sensibly. "My husband works abroad in Saudi Arabia. The love of my life, and I almost never see him, because he's away in another country, working to support our family and put our daughter through college. I won't see him again until sometime next year at the very earliest, when he'll finally be able to take a little vacation time. I miss him terribly every single day. I miss my daughter terribly every single day. And on top of all that, I'm just as annoyed about having to put up with Hyacinth and all her antics as you are. But I get on with my life and I live my life, because I know that just staying all cooped up in the house, getting all depressed and feeling sorry for myself, isn't going to do me one ounce of good. And it's not going to do you any good, either, little brother. It's only going to make you more and more miserable. You know what I think?"

"What?"

"I think it's time you started dating again. Yes, you've fallen off the horse, and it was a very bad fall, and it really hurt you. I understand that. But you cannot just keep lying on the ground, crying and moping and feeling sorry for yourself, forever. There eventually comes a time when you simply have to pick yourself up off the ground, dust yourself off, and get back in the saddle and give it another try. Next week, it will be the two-year anniversary of your divorce. How long are you going to keep yourself locked away in here all the time, obsessing about your disdain for Hyacinth, and feeling sorry for yourself because your marriage failed? I'm not trying to be insensitive, Emmet, but you are not the first person to go through a divorce, and you certainly won't be the last. I really think it's time you started moving on with your life."

"Alright, but move on with whom? I don't know any woman that I'm interested in taking out on a date."

"You could always go out with Hyacinth's sister, Rose," Elizabeth kidded. "I know she would never dream of saying no."

"Yeah, that's precisely why asking her out is such a terrible idea. We all know Rose can never say no to anything in trousers! If I ever were to date her, just how long do you believe she would actually stay faithful to me? One minute? Two minutes, perhaps? No, thank you. I got more than enough of that from my lying, cheating, backstabbing ex-wife. I don't care to go through it again with Rose."

"Yeah, that's a good point," Elizabeth conceded.

"I do love her legs, though," Emmet admitted.

"Yes, it's no secret that even though you aren't attracted to Rose psychologically, you have always been very attracted to her physically, especially to her legs."

"That's true. While I would never want to get involved with Rose, given her track record with men, there's no denying it that she has taken excellent care of herself through the years. Even in middle age, she is a very attractive woman."

"Who knows? You just might meet another very attractive woman – one who has a better track record with men than Rose, that is – at Hyacinth's candlelight supper tomorrow night. C.P. Benedict will be Rose's date, so she won't be trying to throw herself at you. Her mind is going to be on C.P. I think Hyacinth said that Baron Jacoby is bringing along his new girlfriend. Maybe she'll bring along a friend as well, and maybe you two will hit it off. You never know."

"But with Hyacinth there, it'll still be a complete and utter disaster, just like all her candlelight suppers are. If there's anything in life I hate worse than being sung at by Hyacinth or attending one of her excruciating coffee sessions, it's her dreadful candlelight suppers."

As if on cue, the phone rang, and Elizabeth became visibly nervous. On the second ring, she got up from her seat, walked over to her telephone, picked it up, and said, "Hello?"

Pause.

"Yes."

Pause.

"Yes, coffee in ten minutes. Thank you, Hyacinth," said a rather flustered Elizabeth, and then she hung up the phone. "Talking to Hyacinth is like talking to brick!" she fussed a moment later. "Words just bounce right off!"

"So in other words, it's business as usual today," Emmet observed.

"Right," Elizabeth agreed with a sigh. "I know Hyacinth said in ten minutes, but I best go now before she gets impatient and comes around to collect me."

"You're absolutely right, sis. You must go, and you must go right now," Emmet told her in a teasing voice.

"Such a big help as always, aren't you, little brother?" Elizabeth teased back, and then she started heading next door to Hyacinth's. As usual, it was going to be a long morning.