A/N - for the purpose of this story, JSJ never transfers to McKinley. Otherwise, this is S1 canon through the Power of Madonna - except for one little twist & the premise the entire story is based on. The story picks up at the scene where Finn enters the choir room right after the night they were all meant to 'lose their v-cards'.
: : :
Candy, she's sweet like candy in my veins
Baby, I'm dying for another taste
Crap, there she is. Looking beautiful as ever. Does she look any different now? She doesn't seem to be 'glowing' or anything, well, not more than usual. She's always pretty damn radiant. But she still looks like Rachel. The same pretty girl with sexy long legs and silky hair that I just wanna run my fingers through... no, no, NO! I gotta stop that. She's not mine to like, obsess over. Okay, nobody needs to know about those dreams – or the shower this morning for that matter.
Might as well just get this over with. Just because we sang that awesome Madonna mash-up song together, it didn't change a thing. She still went off with that TOOL anyway, and they... UGH ! ! ! Well, two can play, right? Guess I should just rip off the bandage...
"So how'd your date with Jesse go Friday night?" Dammit why does she have to look at me with those gorgeous brown eyes? Well okay, DUH, they're the only eyes she has!
"It went wonderfully. Honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal. I mean, you know, it-it was great. But when it was over, I just, uh... you know, didn't know why I was so nervous in the first place."
Great. So they really did it... and she's actually happy. FUCK! Just fucking great... so what am I supposed to say now? "I'm happy for you."
"And, uh, what about you? I heard that you had a date with Santana on Friday night."
His mind was so busy exploding with fury and rage at the images flashing in his brain of St Scumbag's hands roving over her secret parts, he almost didn't register that she'd spoken. All he could envision was his douchey lips caressing over her honey-sweet olive-toned skin, his creepy (short) body pressed against her and inside her and ARRRRG!
Finally, his eyes glazed over, masking the stormy fire blazing in them as he peered at the tiny girl standing before him. She knows how he feels about her – at least she should, and yet she could be so cold and uncaring and could throw these words at him like they meant nothing. Fuck that. And fuck her. At that moment, his inner five-year-old just wanted to throw a tantrum and hurt her back.
"Yeah, well it was great, too. Like you said, no big deal, no reason to be so nervous. Sex is like, awesome. Maybe we'll do it again... soon."
There, that showed her, right? He doesn't need her, doesn't want her, doesn't dream of having her in his arms and holding her and loving her forever...
He forced a stony cold smirk and quickly averted his eyes when he saw the impact of the sting of his words across her face. He slipped past her and into his chair on the second-row risers on the right side of the room. Direct hit. Take that, Rachel Berry. You wanna hurt me? I can hurt you, too.
Of course, his heart betrayed his smirk and his false sense of bravado as it crumpled and shriveled like a wad of cotton candy melting in the rain. The thought of never being with Rachel and of Rachel never loving him the way she apparently loved this snotty, curly-haired Carmel ass-wipe sucked enough; the fact that he'd just so easily hurt her, so callously and so purposefully, just kinda leveled him and made it hard to breathe.
Then his ego piped back up. He didn't want to hurt her like this, but all's fair in love and war, right? Make no mistake, this was war. It was some kinda battle anyway, worse than any level of Halo he'd ever attempted. A level he guessed he was just never gonna be good enough to get past. She clearly didn't listen to any of the words he sang to her in that Madonna song last week. She locked him out of her heart in favor of the enemy, so he'd do the same to her.
Lies. All lies, his heart joined in again. Shut it, stupid heart! As the memory of his motel tryst with Santana flashed in his mind, his outward smirk faltered a little. He knew somewhere bubbling underneath his cold, uncaring veneer was the truth: sex with Santana was terrible. He'd felt nothing because it meant nothing, and now he couldn't take it back. And now Rachel had given herself to that arrogant, waspy little cream puff and he just wanted to go jump in his truck, drive to Carmel and tear that douchebag limb from limb.
But he couldn't do it, not if this guy is what made her happy. And she says she's happy now. She's fully JESSE'S GIRL now, as much as the idea of it makes him want to vomit. He's just pissed it wasn't him that made her feel that way. Yeah, true, he'd had his chances - so many, MANY chances over many months – and had blown them time and again.
Maybe this was the punishment he deserved.
Santana came into the room just then, her cold, calculating gaze sweeping once across the room, first landing on Rachel with narrowed eyes and a slight look of disgust, then landing on him with a pouty, sultry invitation of sorts. He watched as her lips puckered into a kiss blown to him from across the room and a wink of the eye was thrown in for added effect (of course, she made sure Rachel was watching the whole time).
She stepped up onto the risers near him and ran one finger up Finn's arm as she passed, practically purring as she climbed to the top row and took the seat behind him. She leaned forward and whispered in his ear, "Anytime you're ready for an encore, there's a pretty soundproof janitor's closet in the math wing waiting for us. Just say the word." He flinched internally at her words and closed his eyes trying to push away the bile that threatened to breach his throat.
He glanced at Rachel and saw sadness and disdain oozing from her eyes for just a second before she huffed an exhale and painted on a tight grin of indifference, spun on her heel and took a seat on the opposite side of the room first row next to Kurt and Puck.
Was she jealous? No, she was probably just annoyed that Santana was trying to get under her skin, as usual. They didn't seem to get along very well, never had, though Finn could never figure out why. Then again, Santana didn't exactly get along well with anyone – well, anyone other than Britt. Unless you count Puck, but Finn already knew that was just sex for the two of them and neither was committed to anything more than the physical act when they got the urge. Scratching each other's itch, as Puck once put it. (Figures; that seemed to be the only thing Puck was good at – scratching other people's itches – even if they had boyfriends at the time!)
For just a moment he wished he could be as cool and detached about everything as Puck was. It's just a few minutes of physical pleasure anyway, so why couldn't he simply capitalize on that concept, just be a dude and move on or whatever? It was just sex for crying out loud! No big deal.
Why did this Rachel Berry disease have to clog his brain so much that she seeped into his veins and infected his heart with so many feelings? He needed to quit acting like such a girl! Just be a GUY and get over that batty little chick already! He wasn't looking for a lifetime commitment... like, it's just high school, right? He was expected to fuck around, have fun, not take things too seriously. He's the damn quarterback, for Pete's sake. Anyway, that's how Puck handled things and things seemed to work out pretty well for him.
Except he wasn't Puck. And Rachel wasn't just some random girl who he had some fleeting physical attraction to... she was more. So much more. More than he knew could exist, more than he ever saw coming. Certainly, more than he was able to understand. And now she was this too much more disease that he wished he could irradicate from his melted cotton candy heart.
She was with Jesse and Jesse got to have those parts of her now and Finn would just have to learn to move on and accept it. No matter how much it sucked. No matter how many pieces he wished he could tear that little dickwad into.
. . . . .
"So you did the deed with St Sucksalot, huh?"
Rachel looked up into the unexpected and unwelcome intrusion into her personal space as she reached for her AP Chem book from the top of her locker.
"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about Noah, and, as I'm sure you're well aware, his surname is St James, thank you very much."
"Oh, you don't know? You don't know that everyone thinks you're banging Mr Twinkle Toes now in his froo-froo little scarves? So how hung is he? Did he make you scream his name? You're walking pretty normally, so maybe it wasn't all that earth shakin', or he doesn't have the right equipment. Or maybe he doesn't know how to use it properly. Did you come on the first shot or did he–"
"NOAH! How dare you!? I'm... I'm... I'm certainly NOT discussing any of this with you! It's completely inappropriate and absolutely NONE of your business!"
"Yeah, that's cool. I'm calling bullshit anyway."
"Excuse me?"
"BUUUULL SHIIIIIIT."
She rolled her eyes, huffed, and stomped a foot in defiance. "No, I heard your vulgarities perfectly, I just don't know what you–"
"You didn't do the deed, Berry. Fess up."
"Wha-what are you insinuating, you don't know–"
"Oh, the hell I don't! I can smell the cherry pie still baking! I can see it in your face, babe. It's my secret special skill. You didn't do the deed despite all the crap you spouted off to Hudson and the word that's now spreading faster than Tana's legs throughout the whole school. So... why'd you lie to him? Just wanted to slather some grape JELLY on his burnt toast?"
"I- I- I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about. As I said, this conversation is highly inappropriate and absolutely none of your business, and I'm going to be late to class, so now, if you'll excuse me–"
Puck laughed heartily, smugly even. "Rachel Berry. My little Jewish American Princess. Confess. You still want Finnessa, and you're playing this game with him WHILE playing with our chances at a win at regionals. You're inviting the enemy in like letting the fox into the henhouse AND hurtin' my boy in the process, and it's BULLSHIT. That and the idea you cashed out your membership in the Sad Girls Wallflower club already, especially with that limp noodle from Carmel. I dated you, remember? I know your tells. I know you weren't into anyone but Huddy, not then, and still not now. You tryin' to convince me that anything has changed already in the span of what, a week, two at most? 'Cause if that's the crap you're selling, I ain't buying."
Rachel did her best to appear affronted, taking a defensive posture with arms folded across her chest. "First of all, the status of my relationship with Jesse is simply none of your business and I won't discuss it with you. Secondly, I don't have designs any further than friendship on Finn Hudson. Third of all, YOU hurt 'your boy' worse than I ever could; I'm really not sure he even considers you a friend anymore after what you and Quinn did, and therefore cannot fathom why we're even having this conversation. And fourthly,-"
"Oh shut up Berry, you're makin' my head spin! Look, I know I'm a dick and, and a crappy friend, and I messed shit up with Finn, but he'll get over it eventually. He's still my brother, even if he's pissed at me for now. Yeah okay, we fight sometimes and then we just get over it because that's what bros do. But you're only foolin' yourself if you think I could ever hurt him worse than you can and apparently have."
"I'm sure you're the one who is fooling himself if you truly believe that, Noah."
"Buuuuull shiiiiit."
"Please refrain from using such crass vulgarities in my presence, Noah! You are capable of articulating far more intelligible words and I for one–"
"Oh for the love of MOSES woman, please stuff a sock in it already! Look. You're still into Hudson. Just admit that much, huh? Your yappy big mouth can say all the opposite big words ya want, but those huge, gooey Bambi eyes when you look at him give you away."
"Noah, I can assure you, I am quite over Finn Hudson. Whatever you think you see or you think you know, you must be mistaken. I have a boyfr–"
Puck shook his head and held up a hand to silence her. "Bottom line is, you lied to my boy. Normally I'd offer you a fist bump and some mad props for your effort to save face, but his dumb ass doesn't know what I know – that you LIED. He actually believed your spiel. And it's eatin' away under his skin like acid and it's messing with his mind and throwin' off his game. He's our quarterback, Princess, and his focus is shot now. He won't tell me cause he's still not talking to me, but I know him and I know how he thinks. He's not a sex shark like me; he's more like melted taffy, all gooey and gets stuck all over stuff. And by the way, Tana managing to sink her fangs into him don't mean shit either. Everyone samples that Saturday night special at some point, it's like a right of passage... but Finny boy, he can't handle a hit-it-and-quit-it situation. He's not wired like that. Which is really too bad for him, because I can promise you he has ZERO feelings for that little Latina lunatic but is feeling all guilty and whatever now. She was just an opportunity to try and forget about YOU, but I know it didn't work. So now he's extra screwed in the brain."
Rachel narrowed her eyes and disregarded the flames of embarrassment lighting her cheeks on fire. "Why are you even telling me any of this? Assuming anything you're saying has a point, why is any of it MY problem?"
"Because you're all he wants and he's still all you want, too. So why can't you two just get your shit together and be together already?"
"I'm sure you're wrong, Noah. Finn had ample opportunities for us to become something special together, and he made his choices. He chose to tell me he didn't want me. Then he chose to go on a triple date with Brittany and Santana. And now he CHOSE to have.. relations with Santana. I was certainly not a factor in his actions then, so why should I have anything to do with them now?"
"You think you had NOTHING to do with the shit he's been doing? If so, you're even crazier than I thought."
"I'm NOT crazy Noah, don't say that to me! Anyway, I'm perfectly happy dating Jesse. Jesse, who loves me; Jesse who DID NOT break up with me to go find his inner rock star and then go on a threesome date with two cheerleaders. Jesse who appreciates me for ME and is not embarrassed to be seen with me in public–"
"Jesse who is the enemy and a total SPY and a DUDE like almost any other dude who just wants to get in your pants! Oh yeah sure, he'll say all the pretty words, he may even go the extra mile, spend a few bucks, and take you out on a few dates, but at the end of the day, he's just screwing with you for the sake of getting some inside info on our glee club while MAYBE getting what's between your legs as an added bonus. WAKE UP, Berry!"
"He is NOT that kind of reptile! He is a gentleman who respects me and he is NOT a spy! Why does everyone keep insisting that he could only be with me if there are ulterior motives involved? I AM WORTHY of attracting a boy, you know! Why is it so hard to believe he could truly just like me for ME?"
Puck's face softened as did his words, if only for a moment. "It's not, Shortcake. When you keep your trap under control long enough, it's easy to see how great you are, and how sexy fine your hot little body is. So yeah, any dude would wanna tap that if they could get past your gritty sandpaper layer. Hudson managed to do it faster than anyone else though, and he might be tryin' to play the role of a sex shark right now, but he just isn't one. And he won't say it, but I know he's a mess inside over this shit with you and Captain Ass-tastic.
"So maybe, I don't know, think about what you really want or at least tell Finn the damn truth, that you're still a card-carrying member of the V-club. I can see it all over him, he comes undone every time you mention that little skidmark's name. And now Azimio sees it too, since he got a Hudson knuckle sandwich served up today just for bringing up the dude's name in Finn's presence today."
"What?! Are you saying Finn was in a physical altercation over–"
"Yeah, sunshine. I'm saying Finn kicked his teammate's ass just for talking about you and St Doucheball doin' the nasty together."
"Well. H-he shouldn't worry about what I do with my own boyfriend on my time... that's really nobody's business but mine and Jesse's."
"Princess, you might be right, but it doesn't change the facts. Hudson's hung up on you something fierce and now that he thinks you're banging some other dude – no matter who it is – he's kinda out for blood. I just want him to get his perfect spiral passes back on track so we can win some damn football games. Not to mention, we need the two of you to do your special blend of musical voodoo on the judges to have a snowball's chance in hell at winning regionals. And maybe if you two finally get your shit together, he'll be happy again... then maybe he'll even forgive me someday."
. . . . .
Drown me, you make my heart beat like the rain
Surround me, hold me deep beneath your waves
Santana Lopez is everything that's wrong with modern-day feminism. She's exploitive and cruel and cold and calculating. She's also walking sex on a stick and confident in her own skin in a way Rachel will probably never be.
Sitting in US History together with the two of them is like an unrelenting nightmare. The caramel-complexioned Cheerio keeps making eyes at Finn and Rachel simply sits and suffers through it, having to put on a brave uncaring face and wishing it would stop.
Besides, she has Jesse, so why should it matter?
But Finn doesn't seem to be responding to her adversary's advances, or at least not in the way she'd expect him to if he were truly interested in Santana.
Was it so wrong for her to lie to Finn? Maybe she should have just told him the truth. She was too scared to go through with it with Jesse. She doesn't have a clue how Noah Puckerman of all people accurately zeroed in on that fact so easily; maybe she'll need to sign up for that weekend refresher acting class after all. She must be slipping. Yes, that must explain things.
At least Finn seemed to buy her ruse with ease. And after all, wasn't that her intention? Okay, maybe it was... but only because she wanted to get even a little bit. Finn had dumped her in the middle of the hallway without preamble, after all she'd done to help him get past his heartache over Quinn and Puck cheating and the whole babygate thing! They'd become such good friends – best friends, even if for a little while – and he seemed completely interested in a relationship with her, so she thought... then suddenly, he'd just tossed her to the side like she was nothing to him. Wasn't he supposed to know her so much better than that? Wasn't he supposed to care about her more than that? Hadn't she earned his trust AND his heart?
Yes, she HAD... she was certain of it. He just hadn't earned hers. And now... now it would seem maybe Noah was right. Maybe they were both miserable.
Truth is, she wasn't all that happy being with Jesse. Yes, he took her out on dates and seemed to be interested in her, but he was also more interested in himself most of the time. And he spent a great deal of time critiquing her voice and performance skills. He was particularly harsh, although she chalked that up to it being the Vocal Adrenaline way. Normally she'd assume that meant he was just helping foster her talent, helping her to be the best she could at her craft because he was more experienced and his intentions were sincere.
However, lately, all the talk of him being a spy and the enemy was beginning to wear on her, and she started to wonder if people's suspicions were accurate. Especially when he'd canceled their date the day after she backed out of sex with him that Friday night. Okay, he claimed it was an emergency Vocal Adrenaline meeting he couldn't get out of, so she understood (and honestly, she couldn't fault him for not even trying to get out of it; she certainly wouldn't put him above a New Directions meeting).
But what if Noah was right, and getting into her pants was Jesse's only real objective? Or what if he really WAS just a spy trying to take down New Directions from the inside by messing with the mind of their star talent? It would certainly make sense from a strategic perspective. She could certainly appreciate the drama of the scenario, but just didn't want to admit that maybe people were onto something... that maybe Jesse wasn't the boy she thought he was after all and she really was only being used as a pawn in this gigantic game of betrayal. Could she really be that naive? Could she really have fallen for a wolf in sheep's clothing?
And this thing with Finn and Santana... she didn't know how to feel about it all. He'd apparently really gone through with it and slept with the demon cheerleader from hell. Her worst enemy. If it had been Quinn, she could at least understand – they dated for months. They had history. He had genuine feelings for Quinn... but Santana Lopez? It simply made NO sense to her why he would choose her as his first.
Well, that's not entirely true. She knew why... it's because Santana was all the things Rachel wasn't: sexy. Popular. Sexy. Hot. Sexy. Flirty. And apparently, easy and emotionally closed-off enough to let just any boy have their way with her. Actually, the more she thought about it, the more she pitied Santana. The girl clearly had no self-respect. As a girl, how do you just jump from boy to boy like that and allow yourself to gain that type of reputation? And what did it say that THIS was the type of girl Finn chose to share his first sexual experience with?
Maybe Finn was just as messed up as Santana. Maybe he was just looking for a way to numb his pain, even if it meant taking comfort in the arms of a girl who had the emotional range of a cement block. Just when she'd met Jesse, she knew Finn had professed a renewed interest in her and claimed he didn't give up so easily. She knew he wasn't happy about her relationship with Jesse, but could he really be that affected and disillusioned? Could he truly be, dare she think it, jealous? Did she create such pain in him by her rejection that she drove him into the arms of the devil?
That's ridiculous. She doesn't have that kind of power over anyone least of all over Finn Hudson.
Or does she?
. . . . .
Rushing through me
I feel your energy rushing through me
"Finn, Rachel, you two really need to work on your harmonies in that song. Guys, I'm not sure what's happening between you two, but something is clearly off. You need to work on it. If we're even going to have a chance at beating Vocal Adrenaline or placing at regionals, I need you BOTH in tip-top shape. I expect you to spend extra time outside of school perfecting your performance together. You've always had this magical chemistry, but lately, it's just not... well, something is missing. Maybe it's the song selection? ... So I'm giving you a new assignment and I want to hear it for the next Glee practice. Spend the weekend working on it and be ready to perform it for the club on Monday."
Mr Schuester hated to be the heavy with his kids, but this was something he was certain he had to address head-on. His two co-captains were falling apart and he couldn't help but feel at least a little bit responsible after giving Finn such terrible advice about enjoying freedom as a single guy and finding his own inner rock star. He realized belatedly that he'd just been projecting his own crap on his student. Watching as Rachel commandeered the club while performing that All-American Rejects song, well, he was pretty sure he had more than a small role in the case of the shanks now impairing their chemistry.
"Another Journey song, Mr Schuester, seriously?"
"Yes, Rachel. I've already rearranged it from a solo to a duet. I think it'll be perfect for both your voices, especially your harmonies. Assuming you two can get your acts together and FIND those magical harmonies again."
Finn just blinked at the page with a tiny grin tugging at the corner of his mouth. "Yeah... We got this, Mr Schue. Right, Rach? We can handle this song, easy. It'll be awesome."
Rachel fidgeted uncomfortably for a few moments as she read over the lyrics, but then turned her big brown eyes up to Finn's soft amber ones and relaxed under his gaze. "Y-yes, absolutely. You're right, Finn. Of course we can handle this."
. . . . .
And every night my mind is running around her
Thunder's getting louder and louder and louder
"So I was thinking maybe we could rehearse at my place since mom and Burt are going out on a date tonight and I'll have the house to myself. I mean, unless you had plans with Jesse already?" Finn had practiced this suggestion in front of the mirror in the boy's bathroom and tried HARD not to gag on the little ass-wipe's name when he said it. He hoped he didn't sound like a jealous douche when he finally delivered.
"Um... okay, sure, that sounds wonderful. My dads are home tonight but they're hosting a meeting for an ACLU charity event, so it would be best if we worked on this elsewhere. And no, I didn't already have plans with Jesse, but even if I did, this takes precedence over date night. Securing a New Directions victory at regionals is paramount, after all," she nodded confidently.
Finn just blinked at the petite girl in front of him.
She smiled at his odd expression and decided to clarify. "That's a yes Finn. I'll be over to rehearse at your place tonight. What time?"
"Oh uh... well, I have football practice 'til five, so how about six? I can order us a pizza. I'll make it a veggie pie so you don't have to worry about picking off the pepperoni or whatever."
"O-okay. That's very considerate of you. So I guess I'll see you at six sharp then?"
"Sounds good."
. . . . .
"Circus life, under the big top world, we all need the clowns to make us smile."
"Through space and time –" "Through space and time," "Always another show, wondering where I am, I'm lost without you..."
"WAIT! Stop, stop, stop." Rachel felt this heaviness in her heart and couldn't let this song go any further without addressing the elephant in the room.
"What's wrong Rach? I thought the harmony was pretty good there, although it's a little higher than I'm used to. What key is that in anyway?"
"No, no, Finn, your voice was fine. Better than fine, it's fantastic actually... I mean yes, we should work on refining your pitch there a little bit, but... that's not why I stopped. I... Finn, I think we should talk, don't you?"
"Talk?"
"Yeah. I mean... Mr Schuester's right. There IS something off in our performance... But it's not our vocals."
"No?"
"No, not exactly. I... Finn, I think it's bigger than our vocal harmonies. It's just... it's us."
He shoved his hands deep into his pockets and shifted his weight back and forth on his feet, looking down to the floor. "What do you, um, what do you mean us, Rach? Like, we're uh, we're still friends, right? That's what you wanted, isn't it?"
"Well yes, we're friends, but... but you..." She exhaled loudly in frustration, nervously trying to find the right words to approach the subject. She finally decided being direct was best. "Finn. Do you still... a-are you still interested in me? As in, something more than friendship, that is?"
Turning his back to her, Finn swallowed hard and shifted his eyes back to the sheet music in front of him. "Well. You're still with Jesse, aren't you? So like, does it matter? Does what I feel make any difference?"
"Of course it does! Look, forget about Jesse for a minute." She walked up behind him and took his hand in hers making him turn to face her, hoping his eyes would meet hers. "Look at me, Finn. Just... just be honest with me, please?"
"Rachel I... I don't know what I'm supposed to say. I mean, I know I had my shot and I blew it. I know I'm the reason you found another guy in the first place. And now I guess you're like completely with him... and you seem happy about it. So why does it matter how I feel? I know I screwed things up with us... and now I moved on. I'm moving on... or trying to. It's what I have to do... it's what you want me to do."
"No it isn't!" She shrieked, then clamped her hand over her mouth the moment the words fell from her lips. Finn's shocked expression met her equally surprised one.
His head perked up, as did his heart rate, even if just a little. "Wh-what do you mean Rachel?" He gently pulled her hand away from her mouth. Was there still some hope for them? "What do you mean, it isn't?"
A long beat passed before she spoke again. "I - I was hurt, Finn. Okay? You HURT me! You dumped me to go on a date with Santana and Brittany, and–"
"No! No, that's not exactly true, Rach. I mean... Okay yes, I went out with them, but I didn't break up with you JUST to do that. It's not like I chose them over you, if that's what you think."
"Then why...?"
He threw his head back and stared up at the ceiling for a minute. This kinda was the fifty-million-dollar question, wasn't it?
"I don't know, I guess I was just still so messed up at that time, Rach! I mean, I kept seeing Quinn and Puck together, and it was still pissing me off. And yeah, you and me, we talked about it a lot, but it wasn't all gone yet, much as I tried... And then, well then Mr Schue gave me some advice saying that maybe I just needed to be alone for a while, and at the time it sounded like a good idea, y'know? Just, being alone. Not being tied to any one girl. So yeah, I went out with them, but it wasn't because I didn't wanna go out with you... it was just, I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. But like, you were so into the idea of us having this big heavy relationship, and I was just still too screwed up–"
"Crazy cat calendars," she interrupted quietly, nodding, looking at her feet and hanging her head in shame.
He smiled a small smile and ran his hands over her upper arms gently. "Yeah. Crazy cat calendars... I guess I wasn't ready for all of that yet. But at the same time, I didn't wanna screw up THIS, y'know, us. I didn't wanna ruin our friendship either, but maybe I did anyway."
She nodded in understanding, sniffling a little. "Well.. why couldn't you just explain to me how you were feeling instead of hurting me like you did?"
He sighed, unsure himself. "I don't know. 'Cause I'm an idiot, I s'pose? 'Cause I'm not good with words, and honestly, I didn't know how to explain it then. I still don't, not really. I just... I wasn't thinking straight, Rach. Although I get the feeling no matter how or when I would've said the words, they would've still hurt you. But I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you or made you feel like you weren't wanted – that was never the case, I swear."
She looked up into his whiskey-colored eyes and placed a hand on his cheek. "You're not an idiot Finn."
"No, I AM an idiot. I'm an idiot for missing the fact my so-called best friend was nailing my girlfriend behind my back. I'm an idiot for believing I could get a girl pregnant that way in a hot tub! I'm an idiot for even considering sticking with a girlfriend who treated me like crap most of the time and who never cared about the things that mattered to me, like glee, all while lying to me." He gripped both her shoulders and squeezed gently. "But most of all, I'm an idiot for hurting the best and maybe only true friend I ever had..." he softly ran a finger down her cheek, trailing it under her chin, and tilted her head up to face him. "I am, truly, deeply sorry, Rachel. I wish I could've done things differently. I wish I could've told you what I was thinking or explained my feelings better."
She looked at him with shining, hopeful eyes full of love. "You're still not an idiot, Finn... unless you don't kiss me right now."
In an instant, his lips were pressed to hers and a sudden microburst of emotion swirled through both of them. He wrapped his large hands around her upper arms and pulled her as close to him as possible while her arms snaked around his sides, gripping the material of his shirt tightly in her little fists at his lower back.
The kiss was heated and urgent and unlike any they'd ever shared before. In the past, their kisses had been rather chaste, demure and sweet. But this kiss was fire. It ignited all the passion they'd both been building up over the last few weeks. She felt the tip of his tongue dart out across the seam of her lips and she quickly parted them, sliding her tongue easily past the seam of his... as their mouths tangled and slid against each other, she felt tingles dancing up and down her spine and a warmth growing deep in the pit of her core. Before she knew what she was doing, one of her legs wrapped around his calf, and she felt like her skin would simply go up in flames.
He clung tighter to her and didn't bother trying to hide his arousal which was growing rapidly, pressing it against her, as his hands slid up her back and found purchase in her silken mahogany curls. With one long, strong arm wrapped around her back, his fingers splayed wide between her shoulder blades, the other of his large hands wrapped around the back of her neck holding her as close as possible while he poured all the longing he had for her into that singular perfect toe-curling kiss.
It was like lightning in a bottle and they both felt ready to explode.
Her hands moved up to his neck and sunk into the hair on the sides of his head. She clutched his russet locks and tugged him back a little, breaking the kiss for a moment. Their eyes connected and he pressed his forehead to hers still catching his breath.
"I love you, Rachel," he exalted with his chest still heaving.
Her eyes went as wide as her smile. "You do?" she asked shyly.
He doubled his grip on her in his arms. "I do. I'm sorry it took so long for me to figure it out, but I do. I love you, so, so much... I think I've loved you from the start, I just didn't get it yet. And I don't want you to be with anyone but me."
Her eyes prickled with the beginning of tears as a realization washed over her. She couldn't allow her lie to hang between them. He was baring his soul to her and she needed to do the same... but what if he didn't understand? What if he hated her for lying?
"Finn, I have to tell you something, but I'm afraid of what you'll think."
With their foreheads still connected, he cupped her cheek as he softly murmured, "You can tell me anything, Rach. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere, I promise."
She nodded and closed her eyes. "I... I lied to you. A-about Jesse and me... w-we didn't, I mean... I'm still a... I wasn't ready, Finn. I couldn't go through with it. I didn't go through with it."
Finn exhaled a sigh of relief and fought the urge to cheer out loud. Instead, he hugged her a little tighter. "Hey... hey it's okay. Truthfully? I'm like, super glad to hear it... b-but why did you tell me otherwise?"
She pulled away as much as his grip would allow, then felt his hold on her slacken just slightly. "I don't know, I guess... I suppose I wanted to make you jealous."
He was quiet for a beat but then flashed his crooked dimpled grin and shrugged. "Well, It worked."
"It did?"
"Hell yeah, believe me, it did. It took all my willpower NOT to go kick his ass."
"Finn! Violence is SO not called for in any circumstance, certainly not something like th–" her words were cut off by his lips on hers.
"Rachel, the idea of ANYONE else having you sets my blood on fire. I can't help how I feel."
She smiled softly and nodded. "Yeah, okay. I suppose I can understand that feeling. That's sort of the way I feel about you and Santana."
He took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes closed tight. "I'm so sorry, Rach. I'm such a screw-up... I wish I could tell you I lied too, that nothing happened with her, but... but now I just wish I could rewind the clock and change it, take it all back. It was a total mistake. I should've waited. Deep down I wanted to wait, but then in the heat of the moment, I was just too pissed about you being with Jesse and you lying about dating him and... well, I already told you I'm an idiot. I do stupid things sometimes, and this was probably the worst stupid thing I've ever done."
"Finn stop putting yourself down like that, please? I... I understand the impulse, I suppose. . . But... s-so, you're saying you regret it? Being with her?"
"Hell yeah I do! I regretted it WHILE it was happening, which shoulda been my clue to like, just stop or whatever and get the hell outta dodge, but y'know, once things were started, uh... well it was kinda too late."
She nodded curtly. "Yeah. I - I guess I understand."
"Rach, do you... do you think less of me for going through with it?"
She sighed but after a minute shook her head and hugged him tight. "No. Part of me wants to, but, I know it would be wrong of me to judge you like that. You're single and unattached and... well, even if it was a mistake, it was your decision and your mistake to make, and I have no right to an opinion in the matter. I mean, I may not like it, and I wish I could've been there, you know, a-as a friend, to help you talk through the pros and cons of it beforehand... but I realize that wasn't very feasible."
"I wish you had been."
"Well... just so you know, I'm here for you Finn. I'm always here. No matter what, I'm your friend first and you can always come to me any time you need anything at all."
He nodded and quietly echoed "Same."
After a few moments held in their mutual embrace, she asked in a small voice, "So... where does all of this leave us?"
He pressed a kiss to her forehead and let go of her. "I don't know, Rach. It's kind of up to you, isn't it? I think I've been pretty clear about how I feel. Seems like you're the one who has a decision to make."
. . . . .
"Faithfully... I'm forever yours, oh-oooh ..." "... I'm still yours ... faithfully."
. . . . .
"...The 2010 Regional Show Choir runners-up, in second place is... McKinley High's New Directions!"
Jesse St James smirked at his choir director and smugly cocked his chin in the air, knowing full well his most excellent rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody was the hands-down winner of the night.
Even still, it stung like hell as he looked across the stage and watched the girl of his dreams wrapped in the arms of that giant OAF. It stung even more watching said giant oaf lift her off the ground in a dramatic embrace and spin her around, then shove his tongue down her throat – and worse yet – her seeming all too happy to be on the receiving end of it as she wrapped her arms around him so tightly.
But it didn't matter. He'd won another first-place trophy, and after all, winning was all that counted. Maybe he didn't get the girl, but he was still the winner, even if this victory somehow tasted just a little more bitter than usual.
Baby, you're like lightning in a bottle
I can't let you go now that I got it
And all I need is to be struck by your electric love
Baby, your electric love
Baby, your electric
~ ~ fin ~ ~
SONG CREDITS:
'Faithfully' by Journey
'Electric Love' by Børns