I huffed as the air was forced from my lungs, tumbling through pine needles and dirt. Coming to a rolling stop, I laid on my back breathing heavy, my body aching.
The sky was overcast above.
Azriel's amused yet sympathetic expression appeared in my view.
"You're okay." He extended a hand.
I ignored the sting in my pride as I grasped his scarred hand, the air cold as I pulled to my feet.
I signed in frustration. I was getting more air time with flying lessons now, but still ended up eating dirt each time. Azriel smiled in encouragement.
"You're getting more confident and stronger with your wings." He said kindly, as we walked back up the hill to the higher vantage point.
I sighed. "Thanks."
We were jumping from a range of cliffs.
We had been training on the lower ledges, with the more lethal cliff face drop to the right. I mentally considered attempting the higher vantage point and drifting to the right, to try and get more air time as the land slopes deeper. The only down side would be if I didn't land successfully on one of the ledges, the drop would be deadly.
"Again. Stiffen your core on the landing." Azriel instructed as I scuffed my feet in the dirt.
I nodded.
I glanced to the right at the cliff slopes, then back to the pine forest below, to which I'd just fallen in for the third time. The pain of hitting trees was getting old.
Clenching my core and stiffening my shoulder blades, I let my wings spread wide, my back shaking at the strength and fatigue.
I held back a low growl at the pine forest below. It was too hard to both dodge trees and try and stay in the air.
Filling my lungs with a deep breath, a took a running start, the ground pounding under my feet.
I lifted my arms wide and spread my wings, contracting my back muscles. The wind took my easily.
"Good!" Azriel's voice drifted in the wind.
I knew he would be analysing my every move.
I glared as the pine forest approached ahead and scowled, my body strong and controlled against the even wind gust beneath my wings.
Confidence sparked in me as I banked hard to the right, towards the sloped cliff faces.
I could feel Azriel's disapproval without even looking, my pride increasing as the wind carried me higher. My back trembled at the effort, shaking more, but I pushed down the threat of failure.
My eyes widened nervously as I drifted over the drop offs, various ledges and rocks jutting out. My confidence dipped as I realised how much smaller the cliff face landing options would be on this side.
Landing was also not quite my strong point.
A gust of wind hit my already shaking wings and I dropped a few feet, regaining balance. My wings protested at the effort.
I eyed a small cliff ledge below. It was shallow with a deadly drop off, but my muscles screamed as I tried to force them to stay contracted, each gust of wind now threatening to collapse them.
Focussing on my core, I reared upwards, my wings too tired. I realised my mistake in timing straight away, my wings snapping closed as the draft hit them.
Too fast.
"Feyre!" Azriel shouted with terror, already moving towards me in the air, anticipating my error early.
I came in too fast, hitting the stone floor with my chest with so much impact that I lost all focus. My ears rang and my wings disappeared at the shock of the hit.
I was sliding, chest-down on the dirt, the cliff edge approaching too fast. I snapped back into reality, clawing my hands into the ground, desperately trying to slow my body.
The ground disappeared under my legs first, my fingers gripping the dirt furiously.
Strong hands gripped my arms as Azriel winnowed to me, haulting my speed, my legs dangling over the steep drop below. I exhaled in relief.
He pulled me up effortlessly, gripping my arm once I was standing.
"Are you hurt?" He demanded, bending down to scan my body. His chest moved with heavy breaths, anxiety radiating from him.
I mentally checked.
I felt okay just bruised and weak from adrenaline.
Azriel gripped my wrist, lifting it towards him, inspecting my bloodied hand.
"It's just grazed." I muttered, relief and shock wearing off.
He crossed his arms, his face steel with reprimand.
"Next time, you don't disobey my instructions." His tone offered no option for argument.
I nodded sheepishly.
He gripped my shoulder, his stern expression softening.
"Don't give me a heart attack again." He smiled.
I chuckled and nodded.
"Thank you." I said warmly, my shoulders relaxing in relief. The concern eased from his hazel eyes.
He shook his head in exasperation, bending down to scoop me into his arms.
Azriel, Cassian and I ate dinner at the table, the glow from the fire relaxing me, along with the murmur of their voices. My body was sore from the training and the bruising of the ground impact. The bed would be welcomed tonight.
Rhys, Mor and Amren were away at the Summer Court, strengthening diplomatic relationships.
I sipped my wine as Cassian raised his eyebrows from across the table, a smirk on his face.
"So, how did almost falling off a cliff today go, Feyre?"
I choked on my wine, placing the glass down heavily.
I shot Azriel an annoyed glare.
"Traitor." I muttered, unsuccessfully preventing a smile.
He chuckled once and shrugged his shoulders.
Cassian laughed.
"Not your smartest move by the sounds of it."
His tone was humorous with an edge of authority.
I nodded.
"Lucky Azriel's got quick reflexes."
I smiled at the shadowsinger, Cassian's laugh echoing through the room.
As I pulled the sheets around me that night, the exhaustion of my sore muscles meant sleep found me quickly.
Unfortunately, it did not keep me.
Nightmares plagued me.
I was trapped in Tamlin's house, the terror making sweat drip from my forehead. Unable to contact Rhys. My family. The dread.
The nightmare deepened. Glimpses of Cassian's torn wings, Azriel's wounds in Hybern after saving Elain. ' It's your fault' echoed in the air.
I was powerless to stop it. Powerless to protect my family. Powerless to escape.
It could happen again. I couldn't survive the pain-
I gasped, sitting up, my hair slick with sweat, my breaths rasping. My hand flung to my chest as I focussed on my breathing.
Sorrow weighed my stomach down, nausea rising.
The fear of Tamlin, of my own weakness. The fear of my family in danger. The sorrow that I couldnt stop it all.
Tears ran down my cheeks. I focussed on rasping air through my lungs, slowing my pounding heart.
I gazed out the window at the starry night, trying to ground myself. I couldn't shake the feeling of dread. That something bad would happen. To Rhys or Mor or Cassian. To anyone.
Let it be me. I couldn't survive losing them, seeing them in pain.
Powerless.
I washed my face with cold water, slipping on a sweater. Sleep would not return again tonight.
I walked upstairs to the top window, opening it slowly and carefully stepping out. I tested the tiles of the roof with my weight first. Once I was confident, I carefully crawled up the roof, sitting on the top and hugging my knees to my chest against the cold.
Goosebumps prickled on my skin and I welcomed the distraction.
I stared out to the moonlight, wiping my eyes with my sleeve.
I sat in silence, trying to avoid the flashes of blood and carnage in my nightmares.
A whooshing sound filled the air.
The tiles shuddered as a large figure appeared next to me.
I gasped on reflex, pushing away, losing my balance backwards.
A hand shot out to my upper back, stabilising me.
"It's me!"
Cassian looked apologetically, pulling his hand away from my back, sitting next to me on the flat roof top.
My shoulders relaxed. I punched him in the arm.
"Prick."I exhaled again.
"Sorry! Didn't know you were in your own world." He said playfully, his tone edged.
I shook my head, letting my heart beat return to normal.
"You okay? Why are you up at 2am?" He questioned, his voice kind.
"Could ask you the same question." I deflected, resting my head in my knees.
He stared at me, waiting for me to give an answer.
I looked ahead at the full moon.
"Can't sleep." I said. I felt that pang of dread flare up at the reminder.
"You?" I asked.
Cassian's hazel eyes shifted, reading my face.
"Hey, you know I'm always here if you need to talk. Az is too." He wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into him.
I swallowed a knot in my throat at his sincerity.
"Thanks Cass." I muttered low, tears threatening to spill.
He didn't push and I was grateful . For all his jovial annoying nature, he really was understanding and emotionally intelligent when it mattered.
"Why are you up?" My tone was lighter, the dread easing.
He chuckled softly.
"I heard you get up. I wanted to make sure you were okay."
I rolled my eyes. My heart swelled with appreciation.
"Cass, you didn't have to do that. I'm fine." I leaned into him.
"You paranoid Illyrian." I teased.
His shoulders rumbled with a low chuckle.
"I'm not the only one. Hey Az?"
I frowned in confusion at him, following his gaze over my shoulder.
I turned just as Azriel landed in pure silence.
He handed me a steaming hot chocolate and smiled warmlyas I grasped it.
"Aw, Azriel. You shouldn't have." I said, willing away tears of appreciation.
"Anything for my High Lady." His hazel eyes shone in the moonlight, his tone light. He made himself comfortable next to me.
Cassian leaned back on the roof casually, his palms resting on the tiles.
We sat in silence contemplation, enjoying the view.
I realised both Cassian and Azriel would have scented my fear from my nightmares, which would have had them alert and ready to defend. I felt guilty I had woken them but mostly I felt loved.
As I sipped the last of the hot chocolate, my cup vanished, courtesy of the house.
"I'll never get used to that." I said.
Azriel chuckled.
I yawned.
Cassian sat up straight.
"You wanna try and get some sleep again?" He queried thoughtfully.
I considered it. Then nodded sleepily.
"Thank you." I said with such appreciation, glancing at both their faces. Azriel smiled and Cassian winked. My family. I didn't deserve them. Their kindness.
I carefully secured my feet on the sloped tiles, pushing my body up in standing, my arms wide for balance. I wobbled once and Azriel's hand shot out to my arm.
"This isn't a great place of contemplation for you, Feyre." He said, reprimand in his tone.
He stood up with perfect balance, still holding my arm, not trusting my balance and his eyes darted to the 45 degree angled sloped roof, and the drop below.
"But I'm such a good flyer." I teased.
The Shadowsinger smirked back.
Cassian laughed, standing up on my other side.
"Also, we don't go through windows like savages." He teased.
I turned to scold him, Azriel still holding my arm, not trusting my balance.
I glanced at Cassian's teasing eyes.
"No." I warned, humour in my tone.
He flashed a smile before diving forward, wrapping his arms around me and soaring through the air.
I did sleep another few hours and the nightmares stayed away. Likely as I was so tired.
I slept in an hour later than normal, rising at 7am.
Cassian and Azriel were not in the house, likely sparring early this morning themselves.
I poured myself a coffee in the kitchen silence.
Footsteps approached, cautious.
I lifted my gaze.
Lucien stood still. Unnervingly still. His expression was tense, with another emotion I couldn't place.
He had returned from another visit to the Spring Court. I really didn't want to hear in detail again how Tamlin was coping. Rhys showing me mentally all those weeks ago was enough to see.
He lingered, unspeaking.
The silence became too awkward.
"Hi Lucien." I said, my voice tense.
His gaze was fixed on my face. No hint of warmth or friendliness. Accusing.
I frowned in confusion.
"You've ruined him, Feyre. You broke him." His words were guttural, laced with anger.
Guilt pricked in my stomach.
"Tamlin's actions are his own." I said in a low voice, swallowing the anger building in my chest.
Lucien stepped forward once, his expression predatory.
"You caused this. You need to go and speak to him. To fix this." He growled.
My patience snapped.
"Fuck you Lucien. I won't step a foot in the house." I glowered. "Go back to your precious High Lord if you're so worried about him." I spat at him, anger bubbling over.
Lucien snarled. Rage radiated from his broad shoulders. I had never seen him so furious.
He stalked towards me, his steps thundering on the floorboards. I panicked at his menace, magic flowing warm at my fingertips, ready to defend myself.
He slammed the cupboards above my head with force, towering over me, his chest inches from my face.
I was so shocked at his reaction, my heart thundering in my ears.
I held back the urge to fire magic directly at him.
He glowered down at me.
"Get the fuck out of my face, before I make you." I spat, my words coming out with more authority and fearlessness than I felt. My final warning.
His penetrating gaze lingered a fracture more before he wretched his hand from above me, storming out.
I exhaled a breath that I didn't know I was holding. I cursed my knees as they shook at the threat. What was wrong with him?
Lucien was never really my friend but he also wasn't quite my enemy. His loyalty for Tamlin's narcissism was his detriment. If he wanted to choose him, he could leave. I'd ensure he'd never see Elain again also if that's what it came to.
I calmed my shaking hands, pouring my coffee down the sink. I sucked in some deep breaths, cursing myself for allowing him to intimidate me.
I'd never viewed Lucien as a danger, but the fear for my safety in those moments really startled me. My heart still pounded.
Lucky Cass and Azriel were not around. And god forbid Rhys.
I'd have to not mention this to avoid Lucien's painful death otherwise.
Still, my thoughts shivered at his behaviour, the threat behind his words.
I laced my boots tight, trying to force my thoughts away from this morning. My mind was pounding at a hundred miles pace.