How Did We Get Here?
Lily could feel her mind reeling as she sat in the unused classroom. Thoughts were rushing in as tears rolled down her cheeks. She was honestly shocked that James had not insisted on escorting her back to the Gryffindor common room after the "meeting", but she supposed he had things to do with the other Marauders. She was very grateful though to have a few minutes to herself for once, both so she could think and so she could pull her emotions together. She was trying to recall just how she ended up in this situation, and the memories rushed into her mind like a flood.
Just a year ago she had still considered James to be a bullying scum who she would never date. She was so upset after Severus called her that word, and with only Mary and Marlene to talk to she somehow became friendly with Remus. It always seemed easier for Lily to make friends with boys, and she supposed she missed Severus. She had hoped beyond everything that her Severus would come find her that summer, maybe not right away, but by the time a month had passed she was not really mad anymore as much as heart broken. And that had taken her a long time to admit. Before they left school at the end of 5th year, she had tried to convince herself that she was only hurt and upset because Severus was her best friend, he was like a brother. By half-way through the summer though she knew her heart had been broken.
Severus was the only boy she could see spending her life with, she surely had been in love with him, and probably always would be. But just as she knew she could never stop loving him, she also was certain that he loved the dark arts and the future death eaters more than her. He must have, otherwise, he would have realized that she needed him to give them up and her best friend would have come back to her. She had told him that they were walking different paths, he would have changed his path and followed her if he cared enough, right? But not only did he not look for her that summer, when they got back to school, he seemed even closer to those horrid boys! And now if he knew what had happened tonight, she was sure he would never even be able to look at her again. That thought in itself was enough to make her cry loudly.
"Well, whose fault is that?" a voice inside asked. She knew that she should have insisted to James that they wait. Hell, she should have broken up with him, or never even gone out with him. After she started hanging out with Lupin at the beginning of the year it was only a matter of time before Lily, Remus, James, Sirius, and Peter were all on a first name basis. James had grown up quite a bit, he was taking his schoolwork seriously and she hadn't seen him bully anyone all year! The boys were still pulling the occasional pranks, but that always made everyone in Gryffindor laugh, and it really helped people to forget how bad things were getting outside of Hogwarts. So, when James had asked her (on her 17th birthday of course, he thought it was more romantic that way) to Hogsmeade for Valentines Day, claiming that if she didn't have a good time, he would never ask her out again, she gave in. She really thought that she would go, have a tolerable but not great date, thank him but then never date him again. Then she would be done with him, and he would stop harassing her for a date. But of course, James was charming and sweet. He knew how to have fun and somehow, she got caught in the trap. Mary and Marlene kept insisting that she and James were perfect for each other, and she should just give him a real shot. 3 dates, her friends told her, then decide. Lily, who would never back down from such a challenge decided that 3 dates would be doable. It didn't mean anything. Of course, by the third date James was telling everyone she was his girlfriend. That was the last time Severus had looked her in the eye. The look still haunted her months later.
Since her ex-best friend would not look at her, she almost left Potter that night. She could never get the words out though, and then James would do something extra sweet, and she would decide to stay with him a while longer "to see where things go". As the year went on, James's affections became more physical. It was fun sometimes, snogging in a new hiding place every time. Then of course he started trying for touches, and she became less comfortable being alone with him. Lily told him she wanted to wait for anything serious, they had only been dating a few months and she just wasn't ready. Her boyfriend did back off, for a while.
As the end of the school year came closer though he was hinting more and more that he wanted sex "before they would be forced to spend so much time away from each other". She thought she was doing a good job putting him off, Lily told him "no" so many times. Then tonight, while they were having their usual snog session it somehow just happened. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying by now. She was trying to remember exactly what happened. The thing was, Lily was nearly certain that she had told him no, quite firmly again. But she supposed that as a 17-year-old red blooded male, James just couldn't stop himself. It must have been at least partly her fault, after all, she had come here with him, hadn't she? And she let him shove his tongue down her throat. How could she blame him for getting over-excited and taking advantage of the situation? Yet if it was her fault, why couldn't she stop crying? That was when the sobs came full force.
Severus was not sure how he could have left his cloak in the great hall. Mulciber had shockingly volunteered to walk back with him but Severus did not wish to hear any of the other boy's rantings on blood superiority right now. He had made the mistake of spending much of his summer visiting his "friends" from Slytherin thinking that it would distract him from his fall out with Lily, but all they wanted to talk about was how much better he was having finally ditched the "mudblood". He wished he had just braved his father's hatred and gone home. Maybe he could have tried to make up with Lily one last time, begging her that he would do anything if she would forgive him. By the time he came back to school though he had started second guessing those thoughts. He needed to salvage what little pride he still had after the incident with the marauders, and besides Lily had said she didn't want to talk to him again, hadn't she? Then she had become friends with the marauders, the same cruel boys who had bullied him for years and made his life a living hell! The icing on the cake of course was when Potter had announced quite loudly before potions class in March that Lily was his girlfriend, making sure of course that Severus had walked in and was listening. To make things worse, they were making amortentia that week in class and he knew his potion would smell like Lily. He did look Lily in the eye that class, he thought he even saw regret there, but he must have imagined it. He made sure to note everything about her eyes that he could, he was certain he would never see them that close again.
He was an idiot, he cursed himself for shouting out her, for saying that word, for not telling her when he apologized last year that he loved her more than anything and would give up anything for her. He cursed love itself after that, it was a weakness. He would throw himself into practicing dark arts so that after graduation next year he could join the Dark Lord. He knew he would never love anyone like he loved Lily, and as such he would never be happy. Might as well become as powerful as he could be, he had nothing else but his magic after all. With all those thoughts on his mind, he almost missed the crying. He did hear it though, quiet at first, then loud sobs. At first, he wasn't going to do anything, the crying individual may not want to be bothered. But then he considered that someone could be hurt, or those thrice cursed marauders could be at their "pranks" again. Merlin knows they had never stopped coming after him, they just didn't get caught much anymore. Waiting until he was by himself to come after him, but he had gotten better at holding them off and getting away without being hurt. This poor person may not have been so lucky though. So instead of continuing towards the great hall he turned and tried to find the source of the noise.
He had no idea that this simple act would change everything. His life could have been so much different. Had he not heard the crying, he would have gone on to retrieve his cloak, return to the Slytherin common room, and go on with those ridiculous plans. In another life, he would have become bitter, taken the mark, done evil unspeakable deeds, set a Dark Lord after his former best friend, changed sides, and eventually after a miserable existence died for the cause while trying to right his many wrongs. But this is a different story.
Lily heard footsteps and looked up from sobs, freezing when she saw who it was. Severus looked similarly startled, seeming uncertain if he should stay, or run as fast as he could the other direction. He could never leave Lily in distress though, so he quickly put on a brave face and continued on into the room. He slowly moved towards his former friend. "Are you hurt? Do you need me to find someone for you?" He asked gently. Shocked, Lily resumed crying, possibly even louder. "Why would you help me? I thought you hated me!" she managed to speak through her tears. "You clearly are distressed over something, and I would rather break my wand than leave you like this," he responded. "You don't have to talk to me if you find me so repulsive, I know you can't stand Slytherins since we are all so evil, but I won't leave you alone." She reached out and threw her arms around him in a hug, her tears falling on his shoulders now. Neither of them was sure how long they stood like that, but finally she started to calm down a bit. "I've missed you, Severus" Lily spoke first. "Why didn't you come talk to me last summer? I thought after you thought about my ultimatum for a few days you would at least talk to me to tell me you chose the death eaters over me. I thought we were good enough friends that you would consider it at least. Now I know you hate me, especially since I started dating James." She moved away from him a bit. "I promise I won't tell anyone you helped me, and I'm much better now, you don't have to feel bad if you want to go." Severus carefully considered his options. He could see that Lily was still quite upset, but she was giving him an out. At the same time, he thought about what she said before that. What did she mean by that? Why wouldn't he help her? He could run away like a proud coward, or take this one final shot to talk to the only person he actually cared about and pray to Merlin that it would pay off. Severus Snape was no coward so he opened his mouth to speak.
"What did you mean about giving me an ultimatum? You told me you didn't want to see me anymore." Lily was surprised. "I thought you understood? I asked if you wanted to be a death eater, and you didn't answer because you had made up your mind against me. So, I said we were going down different paths, thinking that you would reconsider the path you were on and maybe change your mind. Then I would know that I was more important to you. Now it's too late, I suppose you could never forgive me for dating Potter after everything". Severus took a breath. He knew what he wanted to ask her, but he couldn't yet. If the answer was what he feared, he didn't think his heart could bare it. Instead, he answered her questions. "When you told me to leave that night, I thought you never wanted to speak to me again. I wanted to go back, I never would have left you, but I didn't know how to make it right. I spent the worst summer of my life hearing from my other so-called friends how great being a pure blood is and how lucky I was to have them as friends, all the while they were using me to pass gossip about each other and steal my homework. I wished the whole time that I was with you. I should have ditched them the second I saw you on the Hogwarts Express, but I was too proud. I have to admit to you that I threw myself into dark arts this year because it feels like the only thing I have without you. But you are more important than that. You are more important than any of those bumbling future death eaters. I will do anything you want if you will forgive my stupidity. I will make a vow that I will never call anyone that word again. Please don't leave me alone though."
At this Lily realized that they both had tears in their eyes. She was back in his arms without a thought. Then she made a decision. "Sev?" she questioned slowly. "I want to tell you why I was crying, but I want you to promise me you won't overreact. I need to talk to someone about it, but I don't want you to retaliate. Do you think you can agree to that, at least for now?" Severus held her tighter for a brief moment, then nodded in concerned agreement. Lily spoke in monotone, with hardly any emotion. "I was down here with James. Things got intense fast. I've been telling I wanted to wait to have sex, but next thing I knew he was on me, and I didn't know what to do to make him stop. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now." Lily buried her face in her friend's shoulder, praying that he wouldn't push her away. She was so grateful he had shown up. If he wasn't there, she probably would have pushed all her emotions down, tried convince herself that this type of thing was normal, and gone back to Gryffindor tower, trying to act like everything was fine. She knew deep down though that it wasn't. James told her that he loved her and wanted to marry her someday. But would someone who loved her push her into something she didn't want to do? She suddenly was afraid for another reason. What if Severus went after James? Or if he thought she was a tramp? That's what Petunia would say if she knew what happened.
Severus grabbed her shoulders tighter as he scrambled to find words, he hated Potter even more now, but that had to wait. Right now Lily needed him to be clear headed. With as much control as he could gather, he started new questions. "Are you injured anywhere? Or in pain?" "I'm not sure, nothing too bad at least." was the timid reply. He had one more question, "Do you love him?" He braced himself to hear the answer he dreaded most. If she did, he would deal with it as well as he could, but it would break his heart again. It took a moment for her response. "No, I don't. Part of me wants to, it would be an easy option, I think. But I don't think I do." The tears started in earnest again. "You must think I'm a horrible person, giving in to his advances. I wouldn't blame you if you do, I wish I had never gone out with him!" Severus barely believed his ears. "You are not to blame, none of this was your fault. If you want my opinion, I think you should go see Madame Pomfrey and get checked out. You should consider telling McGonagall, but that is your decision. If it was up to me, I would go after Potter and make him pay, but I will let you decide that as well since you are the offended party." Lily did not think she could face James right now, but she knew now that their relationship was through. As soon as she could stand to, she would end it. Even if she had to write a letter. She wasn't sure about telling her Head of House, but she thought the hospital wing would be good. Madame Pomfrey would not share the information with anyone, and then if she did decide to file a complaint with Professor McGonagall, Madame Pomfrey could back her story up. "Will you walk with me to the hospital wing, Sev?" Lily asked her best friend. He attempted a small smile. "Of course, Lily. I won't leave you again." As they left the room, they both knew they would be OK eventually. Lily had some healing to do. They both had a lot to work through as friends. But they would be okay, they had each other and would never let go of that again.