Three days passed as in a single blur, one day similar to the other. Up early in the morning to wash and put on make-up before it was time to put on fine dresses and then meet the other first-class passengers at the breakfast table where the women discussed the latest fashions, the food on board, their husbands and their husbands' business. The men sat across the table discussing their wives, their affairs and how majestic Titanic was and what an honor it was to be aboard the ship.
After breakfast it was time for the morning walk around the deck where you would admire the view, marvel at how beautiful the ship was and greet the crewmen who were on deck. Sit down for a while in one of all the sunbeds where you would chat a little more before it was time for lunch where you would chat even more.
After lunch you had a short rest before it was time for the daily afternoon coffee where you would discuss a little more before going on another tour around the ship. Then it was time to change into dinner clothes before dinner. At dinner the cooks would be praised for preparing such good food and after the meal the men would sit at the smoking tables where they would discuss business, and the women would go back to the cabins where they would wash off their makeup and put on their night clothes before it was time to sleep.
All this Valkyrie had been forced to endure for three full days, and she thought she was about to go crazy from all the bantering. Her face felt stiff and numb from all the smiles she'd had to force her lips into. Her ribs were also sore from all the putting on and taking off the cursed corsets her mother had forced her to wear under the dresses she had been wearing during the day.
She had tried to avoid Caelan as much as possible. Every time he had wanted to sit next to her at the different meals, she had moved to the other side of the table, or she had excused herself and left the room. If he had followed her out onto the deck, she had taken long detours to avoid having to have him close to her.
This she knew made Caelan very upset and pissed off, but she couldn't have cared less. Besides, she knew he couldn't do anything to her as long as they were both out among other people, because he had a reputation to uphold. If he were to raise his hand against her among other people, his standing with the other men would be tarnished and at worst lost entirely, which was something he could not afford to lose if he wanted to continue to be surrounded by money and keep Valkyrie.
Caelan wasn't the only one who had become frustrated by her avoidance. Her mother had reprimanded her several times during these days, but Valkyrie had just shrugged and told her that "I'll have plenty of time to get to know Caelan after we're married. I don't really have much of a choice, do I mother?"
"Valkyrie Cain, mind what you say!"
"It's just you and me here, mother. No one else can hear what we say. Besides, you know very well what I truly think of this marriage and what the only reason is to why I have agreed to go through with it."
Melissa had sighed deeply and given her a pitying look. "I know honey. I really wish there was another way, but…"
"It doesn't, unless we want to end up on the street. I know mother, and that's the only reason I'm doing this. I will do it for yours and father's sake. I do it because I want you to be healthy and not suffer."
"You're an amazing daughter," Melissa had replied, giving Valkyrie a tight hug.
After their conversation, Melissa had tried to calm Caelan down by explaining that "the reason Valkyrie is avoiding you right now is because she's trying to get used to the idea of no longer living in England with us. She leaves her entire well-known life behind to start a completely new, unknown chapter in her life in a completely different country where she knows no one. She doesn't even know you Caelan and needs some time to get used to you. You'll see that as soon as we get to New York and you're married, she'll begin to open up."
Caelan had reluctantly accepted that explanation, as he hadn't had much of a choice.
Valkyrie thought about all this as she stood looking out at the other passengers. She was standing in an alcove a few meters above the deck where she had spent a few hours every day for the past three days and from her little vantage point she had a good view of the Titanic's passengers. She let her gaze drift up to the sky where she followed some seagulls flying above the ship. She couldn't help but feel a little jealous of their ability to fly and travel where they wanted when they wanted.
"Imagine if I could do like you and just take to the skies whenever I wanted to. What would my life have been like then, I wonder?" Valkyrie said to herself.
She looked down at the deck when the sound of a familiar voice reached her ears. She couldn't hear what the person was saying, only the sound of the person's voice. It wasn't many seconds before she saw the silhouette of her mother and some of the other first-class women her mother had befriended under the three days that had passed.
The memory of what had happened when her parents had found her crying in their cabin four days ago swept through her. She remembered how her mother had looked at her with worried eyes before running over to her and asking her what was wrong, and how her father had been left standing in the doorway with a shocked expression on his face.
"Valkyrie, what has happened?"
"I… I don't know if… I can handle this…" Valkyrie had managed to sob and put her arms around her mother in a tight embrace.
"Ready for what, honey?"
"To marry..."
Melissa had stiffened at those words before gathering herself and putting her arms around her daughter while stroking her back in a comforting gesture. "So, calm down now. Take a deep breath and start over."
"I don't want to… marry Caelan!" Valkyrie had screamed with such desperation in her voice that both her mother and father had taken a step back in shock.
"Valkyrie, what are you saying?!" Melissa had said in an exasperated voice, placing one of her hands in front of her mouth.
Desmond had come over to both of them and placed his hand on Valkyrie's shoulder. "Valkyrie, why do you say that? I thought this was something you wanted to do."
"I thought so too, but now I don't know anymore..." Valkyrie had looked at her father with teary eyes. "I don't know if… he's the right man for me."
"You just haven't gotten to know him yet, Valkyrie. Give him a chance and you shall see that he is not as horrible as you think." Desmond had given his daughter a reassuring smile before putting his arm around her shoulders and kissing her head lovingly. "I understand that this is a big adjustment and that there is a lot that will change for all of us when we get to New York, but if we all just try to give this a chance, we will see that all of this will all work out in the end."
Valkyrie had wiped her tears and given her father a shaky smile. "Alright, father, I'll try to give Caelan a chance like you says. Don't expect it to happen overnight, just."
"That's what I like to hear, Valkyrie."
As she now stood looking down at her mother and her new friends, all the negative feelings she had felt since the day she found out she was going to be married off, came to the surface. Every morning when she woke up, she had to fight to get out of bed because she knew that the day would only bring her pain. She would be told what she would have to wear, what she would be forced to eat, what she would say and how it should be said so she wouldn't hurt someone's feelings. She would also be told what she could not say, how she would behave, who she would meet and what they would do during the day.
Despite that she was being surrounded by so many other young women that was her own age, she felt extremely alone. None of the other women had any desire whatsoever to talk to her unless they had to, as they already knew each other and had been married off several years ago. The fact that she was considered poor now that her father had lost most of his fortune didn't exactly make it easier for her to fit in either.
She hadn't laughed once since they'd stepped onto the Titanic, and she didn't know if she would again, given what awaited her after the ship's journey came to an end. She had already felt this way a few days before they boarded the Titanic, when she lay sleepless in her bed in her uncle's mansion. It was as if someone had sucked out all her happy emotions, leaving only the negative ones. She had tried to conjure up some happy memories that always made her smile when she relived them, but she hadn't been able to. Every time she had tried, she had only seen Caelan's grinning face in front of her and heard his voice whisper over and over "You are mine, Valkyrie, don't forget that."
She knew she was deeply depressed, but there was no one she could talk to about it because no one would take her seriously. She would only be ridiculed and tarnish her parents' reputation because the men on the ship Caelan surrounded himself with would think he had been forced to marry a "difficult" woman who would do anything to get attention. In their eyes there was nothing she had any reason to be upset about, since she "had everything, a woman ever could wish for".
The insight that her life as a free woman was also soon to an end did not really improve her mental health, either. She knew that as soon as she said "yes", her life would only get worse than it already was, and her depression would only deepen. Was she really willing to go through this for her parents? Were their lives worth saving if it meant her own would become hell?
She had not yet managed to find an answer to that question and that only made her depression worse. All Valkyrie wished for was to be in control of her own life and decide which direction it would take. She didn't want to be a housewife like her mother, but she wanted to travel around the world and get to explore what it had to offer.
She wanted to try to find herself.
Her mother's voice roused up to her and made her come out from her thoughts, and she all at once understood that it had become late. It was time to head back to the cabin to get ready for another pointless evening with a lot of unnecessary cold talk that would be topped off with a dinner she wouldn't be able to enjoy because she would think it tasted like nothing. The night would then end with her trapped in bed with her horrible thoughts which in turn would lead to yet another night of minimal sleep, which in turn only would deepen her depression another notch.
Valkyrie took a deep breath and turned on her heel before heading back to her cabin. She didn't greet her mother when she came in a few minutes later, concentrating entirely on getting dressed for dinner. She hoped that would keep her mother from asking a lot of questions about where she had been and what she had been up to. She didn't want to argue with her mother, not when she was in this mood because she didn't know what she would do if she snapped.
She needn't have worried, as her mother was too busy telling her father about all the delightful women she had come to know and associate with during the day. Her father smiled, nodded and agreed in places where he knew it was appropriate and Valkyrie couldn't help but roll her eyes at her own reflection.
When all three of them were done they walked into the dining room where Caelan, Bliss and the other men were already waiting for them. Caelan couldn't tear his eyes from Valkyrie as she stepped inside the door. Valkyrie couldn't help but notice that many of the other men also let their gazes sweep over her for a second too long before turning their attention away from her to give their own wives the attention they so desperately needed.
Valkyrie saw out of the corner of her eye that her mother had detected Caelan's gaze. Melissa smiled widely and her eyes glistened with held back tears. Valkyrie just wanted to throw up in disgust, but she still walked over to Caelan and let him escort her over to the table where he sat down next to her. He was talking to her, but Valkyrie didn't know what he was saying. She answered when he stopped talking and apparently, she must have said the right thing because Caelan continued to babble next to her until the food arrived.
Tonight, the cooks were serving some kind of duck that was apparently supposed to be some kind of delicacy, but Valkyrie had no appetite at all. She stared down at the plate in front of her and just couldn't bring herself to taste the food. She felt as if she had a large load of stones in her stomach and throat, preventing her from swallowing. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see both her mother and Caelan looking at her worriedly, but she just continued to stare intently down at her plate at her untouched food while the others at the tables ate and conversed happily.
It was then that she felt it: how she broke down. It wasn't her real self sitting here at the dinner table, it was just a shell of who she had once been. Her real self had stayed back in England at her uncle's mansion the night before they headed to the harbor to board the Titanic. A numb feeling spread throughout her body, and she didn't know whether to cry or laugh hysterically. Neither option would appeal to anyone at the table, as they would all think she had gone mad.
She stood up so quickly that the chair slid back with a scraping sound. Everyone sitting around her table and the tables around them stopped eating. Everyone stared at Valkyrie where she stood as rigid as a statue and with eyes that showed no emotion at all. The men had raised their eyebrows in a questioning gesture, while the women looked horrified.
"Valkyrie, sit down!" her mother ordered her in a whisper, placing her hand on her daughter's arm.
"No, mother, I'm not going to sit down. I need to get out for a while. Excuse me," Valkyrie replied and walked out of the dining room with everyone's stares burning into her back.
As soon as she was out of sight of all the staring eyes, she started walking a little faster and it wasn't many seconds before she started running with tears streaming down her cheeks. There weren't many people out this late at night, except for the crewmen, but the few who were out looked after her in surprise as she ran past them. The women she met put their hands over their hearts and let out a gasp, as if they were afraid, she was carrying something contagious.
Valkyrie was barely aware of this, but the only thing she was concentrating on was getting as far away from her parents and fiancé as possible. All she wanted was to try to run away from her problems, even though she knew it wasn't that easy. It didn't matter how much she ran around the Titanic; she was going to have to go back sooner or later. If she didn't do it herself, Caelan would make sure to find her.
She stopped short when she reached the bow of the ship. She took a firm grip on the railing before leaning forward, panting for a moment as her heart tried to return to a normal heartbeat. She closed her eyes and listened to the sound of her labored breathing, the pounding of her heart in her chest, and the sound of the waves crashing against the Titanic's front as she slid across the water.
When she had stopped panting from exertion and regained some of her strength, she opened her eyes and looked down at the dark water below her. She couldn't tear her eyes from it and the thought of how easy it would be to jump in crossed her mind. She saw in front of her how she stepped onto the railing and jumped headfirst into the cold water. How easy it would be to just disappear into the waves and never have to feel anything again, ever…
Valkyrie took a deep breath and stretched. She turned her head to see that no one else was around. When she discovered she was alone, she began to climb over the railing. When she stepped over to the other side, she could feel the cold night wind blowing around her and she shivered from the cold. She looked down at the water below her and leaned forward, giving her a sense of weightlessness, as if she were floating in mid-air.
I might not fall to my death if I let go. Instead, maybe I'll do like the seagulls and fly away from here… she thought and smiled maniacally. It would at least be worth a try.
Just as she was about to let go to see if her thought would come true, she heard a voice behind her yell "Stop!"
A cliffhanger! :O I know, I am evil! But don't worry, you'll find out who the person calling out to Valkyrie is soon enough :) I have some free time the next few months since I am on maternity leave, so I have some time over on the evenings when I've put the kids to sleep :)