This story takes place in season 18, although Noah, Jesse and Frannie don't exist, and the events of 18x04's "Heightened Emotions" never happened, so Amanda's sister is not living with her. I also changed a lot of Amanda's backstory.
There are major trigger warnings for descriptions of physical violence in this chapter and the chapters to come, and sexual violence in later chapters. Please keep this in mind before reading, if these subject matters are triggering for you. I will add other trigger warnings to specific chapters before I post them.
This story is a mixture of extremely light moments and extremely dark moments, although it is quite dark overall. Amanda is very out of character for about half of this story due to the pain meds she's on (she's very childlike). It's similar to "Baring It All" with the painkillers making a character act goofy and out of sorts, but that's where the similarities end. This story is much, much darker and focuses on friendship and hurt/comfort and past trauma.
Because of the darkness of this story, I'm going to post a more lighthearted romantic fic called "In Your Arms" at the same time. Both stories are 10 chapters long, so I'll post a chapter of this story and a chapter of "In Your Arms" every few days.
Olivia can't get the screaming out of her head.
She is riding in the back of an ambulance with Amanda, crouched down close to her blonde colleague who is sprawled across the gurney beside her, moaning and gasping in pain. There is blood everywhere, the sticky red substance coating the detective's skin and clothing and dripping onto the floor of the vehicle to pool at Olivia's feet.
Amanda's jacket and protective vest have been removed and are lying in a discarded heap next to Olivia's shoes, slash marks from a knife visible in the material, as well as on Amanda's blouse and dress pants, the weapon having ripped right through portions of the garments and lacerating tender skin. Small wounds are peppering Amanda's upper chest, arms, and thighs, and a larger wound stands out starkly across her stomach, where the knife had slipped beneath her vest during the assault.
As a paramedic works quickly to insert an IV into Amanda's forearm, the wails that have long since subsided continue to ricochet inside Olivia's brain, the now-imaginary sounds bouncing around harshly inside her skull, deafening in their intensity and leaving her with a faint ringing in her ears. The ungodly sounds had not been coming from Amanda herself, but the large man who had been so intent on stabbing her, their suspect lashing out wildly with a kitchen knife while the smaller woman had struggled beneath him, Olivia and Fin and Carisi doing everything they possibly could to pry the savage man off of their teammate. Aside from ragged breaths and slight grunts, Amanda had been mostly silent during the sudden frenzied attack, likely too busy trying to protect herself to utter much noise and stunned by the unexpected ferocity of the situation; upright on her feet one second and flung across the ground in the next.
Olivia and her squad had been out in the field, hunting down a suspect in their latest rape case, the man nowhere to be seen at his residence until he had come charging out of a backyard shed before the area could be fully secured, Amanda right in his path. The younger woman's gun had been knocked from her hand, the weapon skittering across the lawn, and he had been on her in a flash, screaming obscenities into the air and striking out wildly with the knife, the sun glinting brightly off the sharp blade. The attack had been so fast and frantic, the man's movements so completely out of the control, that the knife had embedded itself over and over into the grass while he had struck out hysterically with it, only slicing through Amanda's skin during some of his attempts to cause bodily harm and luckily missing her more often than not.
It had been too difficult to attempt to shoot the suspect without killing Amanda in the process or injuring her even further, the man not responding to their shouted orders to cease and desist. A horrifying thought had flickered through Olivia's mind as she had trained her gun on him, wondering if they were about to witness the brutal murder of their colleague while standing only a few feet away from her, and determined to do absolutely everything she could to prevent that from happening.
When the man had raised himself up for a split second, a shot to the shoulder from Fin's gun had caused him to roll right off of Amanda's thrashing, blood-streaked body and collapse to the ground, wailing in agony and dropping the knife. The suspect had been subdued and hustled away in his own ambulance after the two vehicles had arrived in front of the house together, sirens blaring at top volume and paramedics rushing onto the scene as soon as it was safe to do so.
"You're going to be okay, honey," Olivia assures the small detective, gripping her hand tightly and giving it an encouraging squeeze when Amanda lets out another low, breathy moan.
Her heart is racing madly in her chest, nervous sweat matting her thick dark hair to her forehead as Olivia tries desperately to keep calm and stop her hand from shaking as she holds onto Amanda. A modicum of relief unfurls within her as the EMT explains that the numerous wounds look to be mostly superficial, the knife glancing off of Amanda's body more often than fully penetrating her, due to the suspect's wild lack of control while stabbing and the squad's frantic efforts to pull the man off of their teammate before further harm could be done.
Although several of the cuts are deeper and likely quite painful and will definitely require stitches, the majority of them are just grazes and certainly not life-threatening. There is an incredible amount of blood for injuries that are turning out to be relatively minor, and Olivia has a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach, mentally urging the ambulance to go faster, as she will not feel fully at ease until Amanda has been examined by the trauma team waiting for them in the emergency room.
"Liv, it hurts," Amanda whimpers weakly, fixing anguished blue eyes upon her, and Olivia squeezes her hand again, listening as the paramedic tells her colleague that he is going to take care of the discomfort right away and she should be feeling better shortly.
Olivia watches as he injects some medication into the IV through a needle, the other woman's tense expression and bunched muscles relaxing almost immediately, the pain seeming to ebb from her body and melt away entirely. Amanda is still looking at her, appearing dazed and sleepy now, the tight grip she has on Olivia's hand loosening and becoming slack as her head lolls like a rag doll's on the pillow. She continues to crouch on the floor beside the gurney as they race toward the hospital with the siren screeching loudly, running a soothing hand through the detective's long hair until Amanda's eyelids begin to droop closed.
Olivia paces from one side to the other in the confined space of the emergency room cubicle, listening to the buzzing of noise all around her; the beeping of machines and the moaning of patients, and an occasional burst of laughter from a merry conversation between nurses breaking up the otherwise depressing atmosphere. Amanda has been all patched up, several of the wounds requiring stitches, and is lying listlessly on the cot in front of her, Fin and Carisi joining them at the hospital as soon as they were able.
Fin caresses an uncharacteristically gentle hand through his partner's tangled tresses, Carisi perching anxiously on the edge of the bed next to his fellow detective, and Olivia can plainly see how worried they both are despite Amanda's prognosis for a full and speedy recovery, the younger woman able to leave the hospital shortly and not even requiring an overnight stay.
The entire squad has been shaken right to the core after witnessing the chaotic scene that had played out that afternoon, one of their own nearly murdered right before their eyes, and some murmured comments about their deceased colleague Mike Dodds sprinkled throughout the conversation. Olivia's clothes still bare the telltale signs of Amanda's struggle for life; streaks of blood staining her blazer and pants and dark red flecks stuck beneath her fingernails, leftover from when she had gripped the other woman's hand so hard in the ambulance, originally thinking that Amanda had been hurt much worse than she actually was and desperately willing her to just hold on until they arrived at the hospital.
The man who had attacked Amanda is also in the building, undergoing emergency surgery in an operating room upstairs, his presence in the hospital still far too close for Olivia's comfort, even though he is several floors away and under heavy guard. Fin's gunshot wound hadn't caused a large amount of damage, but the self-inflicted knife wounds that the paramedics had found on the suspect's body had done some major harm.
In the ensuing mayhem when the man had flung himself out of the shed and launched his large body onto Amanda's much smaller one, not one of them had realized that he was also bleeding profusely through his dark winter clothing as he had swung wildly with the knife. Unbeknownst to them, their suspect had stabbed himself in the torso several times before their arrival, and his blood had mixed with Amanda's when the knife had sliced through the detective's tender skin, giving the appearance that she had bled from her lacerations much more extensively than she actually had.
The injuries that the younger woman has sustained are proving to be quite painful, even without the more serious element of deeper wounds, as the ugly cuts are peppered quite regularly over the areas of her body that had been surrounding her protective vest. Olivia had felt sick when she had taken another look at the garment upon exiting the ambulance, the material designed to safeguard against gunshots and not sudden attacks by knife-wielding maniacs, parts of the vest slashed to ribbons. She doesn't even want to think what would have happened if Amanda hadn't been wearing it, though, as the attire had at least afforded a small amount of protection, not allowing the knife to penetrate deeper than it had.
When Amanda lets out a prolonged moan of anguish on the bed, trying unsuccessfully to roll over onto her side while clutching at the stab wound on her stomach, the huge hospital gown dwarfing her tiny frame, Fin seems to lose what little patience he had arrived with and stalks out of the cubicle to demand more pain relief for his partner.
"Hey, it's okay, Amanda, we're going to get you some more of the good stuff," Carisi assures the youngest member of their group, Amanda nodding in response, blue eyes clenched shut and pale skin leached of all color, slender fingers squeezing the sheets so tightly that her knuckles appear bloodless.
Olivia reaches out to stroke a tender palm over her hand, trying to get Amanda to loosen her death grip on the sheets as a nurse comes into the miniscule space to deliver another shot of painkillers, Fin quick on her heels and his features twisted into a deep scowl.
Just as it had in the ambulance, the medication seems to take immediate effect, these drugs appearing to be even stronger than the ones previous, and Olivia can see Amanda slowly unraveling as they kick in; a relief overtaking the pain once again, silliness replacing the serious, and a more childish version of Amanda emerging from the adult.
The blonde detective lets out a sudden woozy giggle and they all laugh along with her, the ice broken and the small area filled with a much-needed sense of comfort and consolation as Amanda's suffering begins to ease and she experiences a brief respite from the pain. Her head lolls limply on the pillow as the rest of the squad begins to discuss the plans for the night, the hours having ticked away into the late evening as they had waited for Amanda to be stabilized.
"Okay, we need to decide what's going to happen for the remainder of the night," Fin says in a quiet tone, Olivia and Carisi both nodding their agreement. "One of us is going to need to go home with her."
Amanda is clearly tuned into the conversation now, despite the drugs coursing through her system, regarding them with a suspicious gaze as blonde eyebrows pull together into an offended frown. "I'm fine, Fin. I can take care of myself," she mutters with a seemingly unconcerned wave of her hand. "I don't need a babysitter."
"I'm afraid this is not an option, 'Manda," the older man replies, his tone gentle but an underlying current of steel evident, warning his partner not to argue with him. "You're injured and in pain and on lots of medication. You can't go home alone in this condition."
"You can't tell me what to do," Amanda answers stubbornly, her voice slightly slurred and her blue eyes appearing to lose their focus.
"Oh, yes I can," he says firmly, crossing his arms over his chest and furrowing his brow. "This is non-negotiable, Rollins. Choose one of us to take you home or we'll choose for you."
Olivia watches as Amanda appears to pout for a moment before looking at each one of her teammates in turn, spearing them intently with her hazy gaze and clearly considering her options very carefully, the younger woman's eyes finally coming to rest on her.
"Okay, fine, I choose Lieutenant Livvy," Amanda mumbles as she points a shaky finger in Olivia's general direction.
"Lieutenant Livvy?" Carisi repeats with a surprised snicker, and Olivia can hear Fin snorting in amusement under his breath.
"Yes, I want my favorite boss," Amanda confirms heartily, a drugged smile stretching across her face as she continues to regard Olivia with foggy eyes, and her own lips twitch in response to the unexpected confession, unsure whether to be relieved or concerned that Amanda has chosen her.
She is well aware that out of the three of them, Fin and Carisi and herself, she is by far the least-liked member of the group when it comes to Amanda's personal preferences and opinions on her squad members; Olivia and the other woman sharing a somewhat confusing relationship at the precinct, swinging back and forth quite regularly in regards to their trust of one another, not to mention a whole host of other issues that have never been fully dealt with. While Amanda shares rich and deep friendships and connections outside of work with both Fin and Carisi, the younger woman growing quite close to the men on their team over the years, the same cannot be said about her relationship or lack thereof with Olivia.
Carisi is still smirking in hilarity at Amanda's decision to take their lieutenant home with her, a convoluted mixture of feelings winding their way through Olivia's system when she feels Fin take hold of her arm and gently pull her aside.
"Hey, Liv, I feel like I should warn you about something," the older man says seriously, the concern in his tone quite obvious.
"Oh? What's that?" she replies curiously, keeping her voice at a low volume so the junior members of their squad don't overhear.
"Amanda doesn't tolerate pain medication very well," he continues softly, inclining his head toward his partner as the other woman reaches out to poke Carisi in the ribs and then giggles at her action, proving Fin's point. "I spent a lot of time with her after she got shot and her moods are all over the place when she's on these kind of drugs. One minute she's up, the next minute she's down, and things can go from light to dark in a split second."
He hesitates for a moment, appearing to wrestle with certain sensitive and private information before deciding to share it with his boss, Olivia leaning in closer with heightening interest. "She talked a lot about monsters the last time something like this happened, but I could never get a straight answer from her when I asked what she meant. She would just start laughing in response or completely ignore me. Our conversations were often quite confusing and didn't make much sense, and she didn't remember anything we had been discussing when she finally came down from her high." There is another brief hesitation, Fin's front teeth biting down on his lower lip as his frown deepens. "She's a bit of a handful."
"When isn't she a handful?" Olivia asks wryly, quirking an eyebrow at him in response and Fin chuckling in acknowledgment.
"Well, I guess you're right about that," he replies lightly as Olivia observes him smiling affectionately at his partner, Carisi wisely choosing to move off the bed as Amanda's roving fingers come after him, apparently looking for a tickle fight.
Olivia shakes her head in wonder at the scene playing out before her, Carisi now standing beside the hospital bed as Amanda repeatedly reaches out for him, the IV attached to her arm swinging precariously in the air, obviously wanting her fellow detective to engage with her. The younger man's ears have turned bright pink from the uncharacteristically silly attention being paid toward him, and Fin snickers at Carisi's clear embarrassment and discomfort with the situation.
"Well, I'm sure it's nothing that I can't handle," Olivia answers slowly, cocking her head to the side as she observes Amanda's goofy behavior, but there is a tinge of doubt in her voice as she says the words while stepping back toward the bed.
"Okay, Amanda, are you sure this is what you want?" she asks somewhat nervously, raising her voice to be heard over the smaller woman's constant chuckles, Amanda's extreme amusement with her teasing of Carisi filling the little space with a strangely joyful noise, considering the current circumstances.
"Huh?" the blonde detective responds sluggishly, redirecting her gaze from Carisi and staring at Olivia as if she has completely forgotten that her lieutenant is standing right there in front of her. "What do I want?"
Olivia stifles a sigh of impatience as she leans down to put a tender hand on Amanda's forearm, making sure the other woman's attention remains focused solely on her so she understands exactly what is going on in her drug-addled state.
"Are you okay with me coming home with you for the night?" Olivia questions with raised eyebrows, wanting to be absolutely clear in reminding Amanda that she has chosen her boss to be the babysitter, so to speak, but that it's perfectly fine to change her mind at any time before they leave the hospital.
"You're coming home with me?" Amanda replies in confusion, a golden mess of hair spilling down one shoulder as she tilts her head to the side, squinting up at Olivia like the medication has made it hard for her to see properly.
Before Olivia can respond, Fin is crouching down next to the bed and letting out the same loud sigh of exasperation that Olivia had just been trying so hard to hold in, his eyes drooping closed briefly. The older man's usually calm and collected demeanor seems quite frazzled now, his nerves raw and frayed to the breaking point as he grips onto his partner's hand and squeezes in both annoyance and protection, Amanda's exhausted gaze now swinging back and forth between Fin and Olivia in a somewhat perplexed manner.
Olivia lays a gentle palm on her colleague's shoulder, feeling Fin's muscles bunching tightly beneath her touch, and she knows that it is going to take some time for all of them to recover from this unexpectedly terrifying day; that although they are pulling together as a team to take care of one of their own while she is down and out, the array of carefully contained feelings and emotions simmering just below the surface are threatening to explode. They have been in this situation far too many times now; colleagues injured in the field, some beyond help, and although Amanda will likely be back on the job within the next few weeks, absolutely fine and fit for duty, Olivia is well aware that what had taken place that afternoon goes way beyond the physical component of healing and that she needs to keep a watchful eye on every member of her team to make sure they are all okay, in every sense of the word.
"Do you remember what we just talked about, 'Manda?" Fin inquires softly, moving a strand of hair out of his partner's face as Amanda gives him a drugged grin in return, shrugging her shoulders as if to say she has no idea what is going on.
Olivia crouches down on the opposite side of the bed, tangling her fingers with Amanda's other hand and grasping firmly, trying to direct her attention over to her now. "Is it okay if I come home with you for the night to take care of you?" she asks gently, any lingering feelings of impatience melting away when she observes how vulnerable the smaller woman looks in the giant hospital gown, a dark purple bruise forming around the IV taped to her forearm and spreading out to encompass the surrounding pale skin, faint streaks of blood still visible on the exposed parts of her body.
Amanda turns her drugged grin on Olivia and grips her hand back with a surprising amount of strength, apparently changing her mind about not needing a babysitter; either unable to remember the contentious relationship that she shares with her lieutenant or choosing to ignore it altogether, her eagerness to spend time with Olivia quite apparent when she speaks her next words.
"Sure, that's okay with me, Livvy!" Amanda slurs enthusiastically in response. "I want you to come home with me. I want my favorite boss to take care of me!"