Author's note:

Anyone commenting about their 'generous' offer to adapt this work in exchange for a commission can piss off. You'll be immediately blocked so don't even bother.

What's the bet they're bots anyway and won't even read this... smh. But I'm at my wits end from the harassment and am seriously considering ditching this website because of it.

If you're not a bot, you're more than welcome to leave a review :)

When Alfred and Francis had sat down to catch up at this cafe, all Alfred wanted to do was bring up that French lady from Madagascar 3 and tease Francis about her with the implication that all French women were savage and feral like that. Because seriously, she was fucking terrifying. She got on all fours like a dog and huffed their scent so hard she could see them. Alfred would hate if she were hunting him down because there was nothing, no land or sea that could keep her away from her prey.

But at the same time, he could tease Francis that she was hot or whatever. He was attracted to anything that moved, right? Man, Alfred thought he was so easy to tease.

But Francis wanted to catch up about actual things and kept changing the subject, which was really starting to annoy Alfred. It was like Francis had a sixth sense that prepared him for when he was going to get bullied.

Fine, if he couldn't talk about that ginger psycho from the stupid lion movie, then at least Alfred had another way to entertain himself.

"Oh shit, is that Arthur over there?" Alfred pointed somewhere behind Francis and predictably, the Frenchman turned to look.

Alfred jumped at the chance to uncork something he had in his pocket as he leaned over the table and spiked Francis' drink.

"I didn't see him," Francis reported as he turned back around, just in time for Alfred to shove the vial back in his pocket. "It would be a shame if he crashed our lovely lunch date."

"Yeah totally!" Alfred agreed, trying to keep a straight face. He grabbed his coffee and started sipping to try and hide his smirk. He could tell it wasn't working because Francis was giving him a questioning look.

"Arthur wasn't there, was he?" Francis sighed in relief.

Alfred giggled and nodded as if that was the prank. Francis rolled his eyes and shook his head. Because Alfred drank from his drink, apparently Francis was inspired to do the same. Alfred watched with anticipation as Francis drank...

The Frenchman hummed as he checked the label on the bottle of wine sitting beside his glass, reading with expert eyes.

"This didn't taste how I expected," his voice was light like that was a pleasant surprise. "I'll have to ask the staff where they got this wine from, it's wonderful."

Then Francis took a couple more mouthfuls and Alfred couldn't keep silent anymore. He barked out a laugh and slammed his hands down.

"That's because I put a potion in it!"

"What?!"

"Don't ask why, I just thought it would be fun to do because this conversation is booooooring," Alfred informed.

"America." Francis' voice was serious, extra serious because he didn't use Alfred's name. "Now is no time for your silly games. What do you mean, potion?"

"Relax dude," Alfred waved dismissively. "I have no clue what it'll do but it'll definitely be fun. It's not like you're gonna die, we're kinda built different, remember?"

"How do I know you're not trying to poison me?" Francis' tone was rising octaves and Alfred felt slightly bad because apparently the other was actually freaking out. But seriously, it wasn't that serious!

"I said potion, not poison- Seriously, we're friends, why would I kill you? It's just a fun prank!"

Sure, he had no idea what the potion was gonna do, but who cares, right? It would be fun to figure out.

"This is not my idea of fun prank. And I know your idea of potion could mean just vinegar..." Francis sighed, calming with that thought. "Potion implies you intend to do something... why don't you tell me exactly what you think is going to happen to me?"

Francis raised an eyebrow, apparently more keen to play along.

"I don't know, just something," Alfred shrugged. He wasn't really paying attention when it was given to him... well he was but he forgot, alright?

Francis just shook his head. He hated to admit it but he might've been a little intrigued to hear what this potion was supposed to do once he decided that clearly, it was just a stupid prank. Oh well, it was surely on brand for Alfred. At least it didn't change the taste of his wine too much, he had only been able to pick up on it at all because of his refined taste buds.

Francis was just about to get the conversation back on track when Alfred spoke up.

"Wait, I think it's a love potion." Alfred devolved into muttering as he seemed to try to recall something... "I think that's what she said but she said it like a joke so maybe no... ugh."

Eventually, Alfred just groaned and shook it off. "So I guess that would mean you fall completely and cringely in love with the first person you see or something like that. Which isn't that different from how you usually are, right? Since French people love love and all?" Alfred added.

"Okay, presuming you believe it's actually a love potion... why would you really think it was a good idea to put it in my, out of anyone's- oh, why do I bother? I know there's no reason with you, only impulse."

"Damn right! You know me so well," The American laughed. "Besides, it'll wear off. Prolly."

"Oh, when? I'll amuse you silly American, how long will this potion last?"

Alfred shrugged. Francis tried not to show his disappointment. If Alfred said that it was the first person he looked at, then why wasn't Francis swooning over his companion right now? At least Francis knew it was a prank now because surely he wasn't given anything after all.

Still, he would amuse the American.

"Well, do you know when it'll kick in?

Alfred was cut off from answering when someone tapped his shoulder from behind. Neither had noticed this person sneak up but both turned to instinctively look...

Francis glanced up without realizing the consequences. In his defence, he didn't think there would be any.

It's Arthur, better known as England. Also known as the bane of France's existence. And the feeling was mutual.

For reasons unknown, a feeling of horror and dread settled in the Frenchman once he recognized the man. His stomach was turning in a way that he had never felt before.

The churning of his insides was unpleasant and telling. It was then he realized that the potion was no prank.

Francis' mind was spinning.
No no no nonononono. Oh God no.

This was going to be a catastrophe!