This is a series of shorts inspired by Ronald Weasley's character — or the lack thereof. The Potter Universe and it's associated characters are the property of J.K. Rowling, who has graciously allowed us to play in her sandbox. Thank you, ma'am.
I'm not particularly fond of Ronald Weasley, and it will show here. I will say that Rupert Grint did an absolutely wonderful job in the films, and I admire him for that. Canon has been brutally abused; disgusting, immoral and illegal things were done to it. I shot it afterward and watched as it bled out.
Ronald
First Task
Healers Tent
"I guess someone really is trying to kill you," Ronald Weasley mumbled to Harry.
"Hear that, Hermione?" Harry asked the pretty girl whom he was holding around her waist.
"A stopped clock is right twice a day, Harry," she replied. "And blind squirrels can still find a nut, now and then. This is Weasley's lucky day."
Hermione's sarcasm predictably went over Ronald's head. "So, best mates again, eh Harry?"
"Classmates, Weasley, and unfortunately dorm mates," Harry replied coldly. "Draco is a classmate too, and frankly I'd rather room with him than you; from all reports he doesn't snore like a logsaw. Don't bother speaking to me again, we're done."
Ronald slowly approached Hermione's table in the library. "Hermione?"
She looked up from the book she was reading. "Yes, Weasley?"
"Can you help me with the potions essay?"
"Certainly. Where is your potions book?"
Ronald produced the book and handed it to Hermione. She flipped slowly through the pages, then handed it back. "Read chapters two through four, check your class notes, and that should do it. Don't ask again, this is the last time, Weasley."
"HERMIONE JEAN GRAN…" The howler stopped abruptly as it was hit with a spell by Harry Potter. He rose from his seat at the long table and walked over to where the Weasley twins were seated.
"Wow, Harry …"
"How'd you do that?"
Harry bowed slightly. "Scion Weasley," he began, looking at George, "and Scion Weasley," he said as he turned to Fred. "Please inform Elder Weasley that Lord Potter will be in contact with him regarding his wife's most recent public outrage. Thank you." Harry bowed again, then returned to his seat. The twins complexions were ashen.
"What are you two doing here?" Arthur Weasley asked his twin sons.
The two glanced at each other, George waved his fingers at Fred. "Dad, this is important," Fred said. Arthur was shocked that the two didn't use their twin speech.
"Mum sent a howler to Hermione," Fred continued. "Harry killed it dead with some sort of spell or curse. Then he came over to us, bowed and said," here Fred began to quote Harry, "Please inform Elder Weasley that Lord Potter will be in contact with him regarding his wife's most recent public outrage. Thank you."
"He was all lordly-upper class formal," George added. "And angry. Cold-angry. Never seen him like that before."
"It's going to be really bad, Dad," Fred told him. "He addressed us as 'Scion Weasley and Scion Weasley'" he added.
Fred and George watched silently as the blood slowly drained from Arthur's face. He fumbled around on his desktop, pulled a sheet of parchment to him, loaded a quill with ink and began to write.
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress
Hogwarts
Minerva, Fred and George left school to see me in my office on an
urgent family matter. Kindly excuse their absence.
Arthur Weasley
Folding it, he handed it to George. "Give this to Minerva, see her first when you two return. Do not speak to anyone about this, anyone at all. If anyone asks, you two saw me on urgent family business. That's all anyone needs to know. Should your mother find you left school, I will deal with her. Ignore anyone but me on this matter. Is that clear?"
"Yes, sir," the twins responded in unison.
The pair were heading to the great hall for supper after speaking to McGonagall when they were accosted by Dumbledore.
"You two weren't in classes today," he said to the twins. Familiar with this tactic, the twins waited. "Well?" Dumbledore asked.
"Deep subject," Fred answered. "Wet, too," George added.
Dumbledore's 'grandfather' façade was showing cracks as his face turned red. "I asked why you two weren't in classes today," he almost snarled.
"No, you didn't …"
"You made a statement," George finished.
By this time, Dumbledore's face was the colour of a fine, ripe tomato. "Why," he managed to grind out from a mouthful of clenched teeth, "weren't you two in class today?"
"Family…"
"business," George finished.
"And may I ask," Dumbledore ground out, "what the nature of this family business was?"
The two glanced at each other. "No," they replied in chorus.
"We're going to supper," Fred stated. With that, the twins turned and left a seething Dumbledore standing in the corridor.
After finishing their supper, the twins strolled down the table to where Ronald was still shoveling food into his maw.
"Ronald …"
"our dearest …"
"youngest brother," Fred finished the twinspeak. "Come with us, dear Ronald," George added as the two simultaneously hoisted him by his arms.
"We need to have a word," Fred told him. "Privately, as it were," George added.
"Ooo nt ooo at!" Ronald attempted to shout. When he began, Fred turned Ronald's head so the spew of half-and un-chewed food was directed to the wall behind them instead of across the table. George shoved the tip of his wand against Ronald's ribcage and muttered "Stupefy."
"Misters Weasley," Madam Pomfrey called from the head table. "Bring him to the infirmary when you're done with your… meeting."
"Yes, ma'am," answered Fred. "We'll do that."
Poppy Pomfrey surveyed the stunned body of Ronald Weasley, absently noting the presence of a bloody bandage on his left wrist. Pointing to it, she asked the twins "Why?"
"Our dear youngest brother had to write a letter to Dad," George answered.
"And you made him sign it in his own blood?" she asked.
"No, we …"
"Made him write it …"
"In his blood," Fred finished.
"And the rest of it?"
"Driving home a point, so to speak."
"With lots of luck, he'll remember."
Pomfrey walked over to her desk, seated herself and wrote briefly on a small piece of parchment. Rising, she returned to where the twins stood, next to Ronald's bed. "This comes at a price,lads," she said and handed the parchment to the nearest twin. Poppy was fond of the twins, didn't care much for either Ronald or Percy. Principles, however, must be upheld.
Fred glanced at what he held. "Certainly, ma'am. Where can we get it?"
"Gerry's Wine & Spirits, they're in the Soho district in London," Poppy replied. "You don't have to buy all of the lot at once," she added. "When you can afford it."
"We wrote to Dad, explaining things,"Fred announced.
"With luck, he'll keep Mum off your back," George told her.
"Or at least come with her."
"Ma'am, some time soon, would it be possible to speak with you about the Muggle world? You know more than we do because," Fred gestured in the direction of the small piece of parchment, "you know about this." George picked up, "And we'd be more than willing to compensate you for your trouble. Although it may take a while."
Poppy nodded. "Off with you lot. Any time after dinner, or on the weekends. If I'm busy, you lot can help out and learn something."
"Yes, ma'am. Thank you, ma'am."
First Year
September, 1991 — Hogwarts
The inhabitants of the first year boys dorm had just gotten to sleep after a long and exciting day when they were awakened by a horrible noise.
"ZZZ NN ZZZ HKK ZZZ" came from Ronald Weasley's bed. Four boys moaned in despair and buried their heads beneath their pillows. "ZZZ NN ZZZ HKK ZZZ"
When dawn broke, none of the four had slept at all. Zombie-like, they went through the motions of bathing and dressing. "ZZZ NN ZZZ HKK ZZZ" Ronald was left in his bed when the others went down to breakfast.
Wednesday night, the four took their covers and pillows down to the common room. At midnight, Percy Weasley returned from his prefect patrol and forced them back to the first year dorm. At eight Saturday morning, Percy was found in the corridor outside Gryffindor's common room, naked, unconscious, trussed like a roast and severely beaten. He had no memory of the beating, nor of Friday night after supper.
On Tuesday the tenth Professor McGonagall discovered that Gryffindor had lost a total of 125 points, 115 of which were due to Ronald not attending any of the first year morning classes. After the other firstie boys had been suitably chastened, she discovered rebellion. She'd just told them to make sure Weasley was awake and was horrified to hear "Not our problem. He's got three brothers, tell them." The subsequent awarding of detentions did not impress the rebellious four.
Percy was released from the infirmary Tuesday afternoon. At midnight, he found four of the firsties sleeping in the common room. He awakened them and ordered them back to the first year dorm. Wednesday morning Percy was found tied to a balustrade on the first floor, naked, beaten and concussed, with both arms broken. He told Pomfrey he'd fallen and passed out from pain. Both ignored the naked and tied up part. There were things Poppy didn't ever want to know.
Friday night when Percy returned from his prefect patrol, he again found four of the firsties sleeping in the common room. Percy went upstairs to the fifth form dorm and went to bed. He had no idea why most of the first form boys was sleeping in the common room, and didn't want to know. He remembered waking the firsties, then being swarmed, his arms broken then being beaten until he passed out. He suspected the same four were behind the weekend's massive beating. Let them sleep there, he thought. It's safer.
By the 20th, the rebellious four decided something had to be done. Sleeping in the common room was well and fine, short term. Seven years was right straight out. The 21st being a Saturday, Gryffindor slept in. At eight Ronald was found in the common room, trussed, a piece of what eventually was identified by a seventh year half-blood as 'duct tape' across his mouth. Percy simply sighed, elevated Ronald and floated his unconscious body to the infirmary. Subsequent examination established that Ronald had been thrown down the stairs from his dormitory. Dumbledore, his hearing impaired by age, was left wondering why muggles taped ducks.
Professor McGonagall's interrogation of the firsties was inconclusive. All of them stated that they'd gone to bed at about ten, and that Weasley was already asleep in his bed. Finnegan blamed Peeves, the rest supported the idea. When asked how Ronald had gotten to the foot of the common room staircase, Potter cheekily replied "Gravity," three shrugged their shoulders and Longbottom said "Ask Percy, he found him."
Sunday night, Ronald's snores woke Pomfrey. Without even thinking about it, she silenced the curtains around his bed and went back to sleep. Tuesday night, Finnegan demonstrated the fine art of lock-picking to his dorm mates. Ronald was found, naked, on the floor between the twins' beds. His trademark "ZZZ NN ZZZ HKK ZZZ" waked the third year dorm. Fred silenced Ronald and they went back to sleep. Ronald actually made it to morning classes on Wednesday, due to the third form boys tossing him into their shower and turning on the cold water.
Wednesday night found Longbottom demonstrating his proficiency in lock-picking on the fifth form dorm door, whilst Finnegan gave a brief tutorial on the fine art of coshing. Ronald, now with a huge lump behind his right ear, was unceremoniously tossed into the dorm room. The other firsties decided to send a small token of their appreciation of Finnegan's skills via his uncle to the Antrim brigade of the IRA. Four galleons wasn't much, but the Antrim Bhoys toasted Seamus and his dorm mates at the local. Free drinks were, after all, free drinks.
After an hour or so, the coshing wore off. ZZZ NN ZZZ HKK ZZZ reverberated through the fifth form dormitory. A hurried consultation amongst its inhabitants, interrupted only by Ronald's ZZZ NN ZZZ HKK ZZZ, resulted in several things occurring. Ronald's pyjamas were vanished, he was stunned then thrown down the stairs; ultimately landing in the common room. It was decided that a Strong Word would be had with the firsties later in the morning.
Unfortunately for Ronald, he was found lying on his back, stark naked and snoring, in front of the girls staircase by the firstie girls. He became acquainted with Mary Jane shoes. After a solid kicking, McGonagall was summoned. Noting the variety and locations of the bruising, McGonagall sighed, told her firsties to make sure their shoes were clean, and floated an unconscious Weasley down to the infirmary.
The Strong Word was delivered to the firstie boys, the gist of which was "Do it again and Bad Things Will Happen." It was accepted with fairly good grace, which Percy thought didn't bode well for the third form boys. Or Ronald, for that matter. A brief internal debate over writing to his mother was resolved with the decision that Ronald's snoring was Ronald's problem.
McGonagall and Poppy stared at the supine body of Ronald Weasley. He was literally bruised from head to toe. His testicles were the size of a grapefruit, a deep purple from broken blood vessels. "I doubt he'll be able to sire children," Poppy stated.
"Arthur has five other sons and a daughter," Minerva said. "I doubt the Weasleys will be dying out any time soon."
"So we don't tell Molly?"
"Why? She'll just shriek the school down, Ronald will still be damaged, and nothing can be done about it. Even if he isn't sterile," she added "I doubt any girl will be interested in him. My lionesses did this, so that's a quarter of their year that won't touch him with anything other than shoes, or a beaters bat. Misses Patil and Brown will see to it that the rest of the first year girls know about him, no later than supper time today. By supper time Friday every girl in Hogwarts will know."
Yule Ball
Hogwarts, December 26th 1999, early morning
Neville Longbottom shook his head, somewhat dazed by the punch Ronald had thrown. A spray of blood scattered across the Gryffindor common room. Ginny stood behind him, her mouth open in surprise, her complexion beginning to tinge with red. She reached for her wand, only to be stopped by Neville.
"Let me, dear," he told Ginny. Neville's complexion was not red, it was rather pale. His lips were thinned to a slash, his eyes cold. Ignoring Ronald's shouting, he summoned a piece of kindling from next to the fireplace, transfiguring it into a quarter-staff. The denizens of the common room began to back away from Ronald, Ginny and Neville.
Neville was, by all accounts, a nice fellow, if a bit shy and withdrawn. The entire house had been astounded when he'd asked Ginny to the Yule Ball. Now, he didn't look like a nice fellow. Ronald was too enraged and/or stupid to see it, but Death looked out of the eyes of Neville Longbottom.
The following fifteen minutes were an exemplary lesson in the art of the quarter-staff. Ronald was, bluntly, beaten like a drum, then beaten some more. He was now screaming in pain, instead of rage. By the time the twins arrived, he was unconscious, lying in a pool of his own blood.
"Neville?" Fred asked. "Why have you beaten Ronald?" George finished. "You do realize there will be consequences," Fred stated.
Ginny stepped out from behind Neville. "No, there won't," she stated flatly. "Ronald punched out Neville when we came into the common room, then called me a whore." She nodded at the crowd. "Ask them, if you don't believe me."
Whipping out her wand, Ginny cast enervate on her slightly-older brother, who proceeded to groan and cry. "Shut up, Ronald. I'm going to give you something to cry about. "Evanesco Ronald Bilius Weasley's clothing." Ronald's clothes vanished. Directing her wand at Ronald's groin, she spoke in a cold, vicious tone "Vespertillio mucosa Ronald Bilus Weasley's genitalia." Bats began emerging from Ronald's penis. There was screaming. "Now, dear brother, you have something to scream about," Ginny said in a flat, cold tone. She waved her wand in front of Neville's face, healing his nose and clearing off the blood. Linking her arm through Neville's, she said "We're going for a walk. Ronald best not be here when we come back."
Poppy Pomfrey's jaw dropped as she looked at the broken, bleeding and silently screaming body of Ronald Weasley that his two brothers had unceremoniously dumped onto one of the beds in the infirmary.
She quickly cast finite incantem on Ronald's genitals. Nothing happened. "Quickly, boys, exactly what did your sister cast on Ronald?" she rapped out.
"She tagged it to his name," Fred responded. "His full name," George added.
"Merciful Maeve," Pomfrey exclaimed. " I never … finite incantatem Ronald's genitalia," she cast. Nothing happened. "Ginny used his full name," Fred reminded the healer. Another quick casting and the bat bogeys disappeared, leaving behind a — literally — bloody mess. Quickly placing Ronald in stasis, she continued her inquiries. "What on earth happened to him?"
"We weren't there, but the people who were told us that Ronald punched out Neville, then began one of his usual rants, but included calling Ginny a whore," George told her. "Neville conjured a quarter-staff from a piece of kindling, and then … did that," Fred told the healer. "Then Ginny," George began. "Did that." Fred finished.
"She announced that she and Neville were going for a walk,"
"And added that it'd be best if Ronald wasn't there when they came back," Fred finished.
"So we brought him to you," the twins said in chorus.
George motioned to Fred, who nodded briefly. "We suggest you contact Bill, ma'am." Pomfrey raised an eyebrow in reply. "Well, not actually 'Bill' per se, ma'am. Contact Heir Weasley, Cursebreaker William Arthur Weasley, employed by Gringotts."
"And that will hopefully keep you from having to do… ugly things to mum," George added. "It will be much quieter."
The owl's soft hoot broke Bill Weasley out of his trance. He was puzzled when he'd finished reading the letter it bore. He put on his winter cloak and apparated to the Hogwarts gates where Hagrid was waiting for him.
"What's this about, Hagrid?"
"Ah dunno, Bill," Hagrid responded. "Poppy just tole me ta git down here an' let you in."
Bill nodded his thanks and began the long trudge to the school itself.
By the time Bill made it to the infirmary, all interested parties were present: McGonagall, to keep Dumbledore's nose out of Poppy's business; the twins, Ginny and Neville to explain why Ronald was in his current condition, and of course, Poppy, who really wanted Ronald out of her infirmary, never to return. Ronald was on his bed, cowering as far away from his sister as he could.
"He. Did. What?"
"Assaulted Mister Longbottom, threw a temper tantrum and insulted his sister," McGonagall replied.
"Bullshit!" exclaimed Ginny. "He punched out Neville for taking me to the Ball, yelled and cursed at both of us, then called me a whore." William Arthur Weasley, Heir Weasley turned a pale alabaster shade.
Neville was glowering. Nobody but Ginny had paid any attention to Neville's appearance. His blond hair was pulled back into a single braid, he was wearing loose trousers, a linen shirt open at the neck, belted at the waist with a wide leather belt. An ancient Viking lang-seax hung from it.
"I am Neville Francis Longbottom, Heir Longbottom of the Long Bottom," he ground out from behind clenched teeth. "Nobody calls my affianced wife a whore." He held up his right hand and a Viking war axe appeared in it. "Tell me why I should not take his head."
Harry Potter entered the infirmary. "We can take him to the forest and do it there, Neville. The acromantulas will take care of the body, you can put his head on a pike outside the hall's door."
"I'm afraid I can't allow that," Dumbledore spoke from the doorway. "I'm sure…"
«Be silent» Harry ordered in parseltongue. Dumbledore was opening and closing his mouth. Silently. McGonagall looked as if she were about to kiss Harry.
"Go away, Dumbledore. Go suck down some of your potioned lemon drops. This involves honour, something of which you have no idea. Go. Away. Now." Harry pointed his wand at the headmaster. «Begone» Dumbledore flew backward to smash into the wall opposite the infirmary door, which slammed shut as his body was slumping to the floor. Harry turned back to face the group. "Now, do it here and make a mess for Poppy or the elves to clean up, or do it in the forest?" he asked.
Just as Bill was about to say something, the door to the infirmary opened again, as Hermione entered the room. "What happened to the headmaster?" asked the Eighth Year Head Girl.
"Newton's First and Second Laws," Harry deadpanned. "He'll go back to his quarters when he wakes up. Oh. And the First Principle of Marine Warfare, per the Royal Marines."
Hermione paused briefly. "Okay, Harry. I know the first two, what's the third?"
"Mess with the best, die like the rest," Harry said.
Hermione nodded. "The SAS might have something to say about that."
The Mistress of Pain
Ronald was hungry. He was always hungry, but today, on a fine Saturday afternoon, he was really hungry. He trudged up the stairs to his dorm room and opened his trunk. Nothing.
Potter had gone to Hogsmeade, he remembered. Potter had money, so he probably bought candy. Candy he hadn't shared. Ronald was a pureblood and deserved the half-blood's candy.
Potter's trunk must be warded Weasley thought when the lock delivered a stinging hex to his hand. Bugger that. Weasley went to his bed and retrieved his wand. "Finite." He reached for the trunk's lock again after using the finishing spell.
ZZZZZAAAP! The lock delivered a much stronger hex this time, blistering Weasley's fingertips. He fell back onto his arse. After sucking his fingers a bit, he pointed his wand at the lock again. "FINITE," he bellowed at the trunk. Ronald thought a few seconds, then placed the tip of his wand against the lock. "Alohamora." It didn't open. He grabbed the catch on the trunk's lock.
Ronald heard multiple voices through a red haze of pain. Everything hurt. His mother was shrieking. The shrieking stopped, much to Ronald's surprise.
"I'm very disappointed in you, Harry," Dumbledore began, "you must reverse this."
"I'm shocked. Shocked," Harry responded sarcastically. Dumbledore stared at Harry blankly. Hermione muffled a snicker. "I didn't do a damned thing," Harry continued, "the thief did it to himself. Check his wand."
"Ronald is not a thief, Harry. I'm very disappointed; you must learn to forgive," Dumbledore babbled his usual nonsense, ignoring the now-bald wizard with THIEF across his forehead in large, blistered letters.
"Weasley's a fucking thief," Potter snarled back. "If he weren't, it wouldn't say so on his forehead." He snatched up the ginger's wand. "Priori incantatem," he cast. The first spell that showed was Alohamora, followed by two finishing spells, then classroom spells. "Neville, Seamus and Dean aren't marked, they live in the same dorm. Obviously they aren't thieves," Harry continued, "and no, I can't remove my trunk's wards and I can't reverse the curse and I'm not going to pay one knut to have it reversed. I paid Gringotts GG350 to ward that trunk, I think it was done in their language. You can ask Gringotts if they'd be willing to reverse it. I am not releasing them from their contract with me. Bonne chance," he finished with sarcasm obvious enough for even the bearded wonder to catch.
"Or you could try asking another Gringotts branch, maybe Aussie or South African," he added, "because they have them all over."
Homework — Or the Lack Thereof
Leaky Cauldron
"Hermione, can I see your homework," the ginger whinger whinged.
"No, Ronald. You want to copy it, and I'm not going to let you." Her voice raised over the general noise level. "You've had TWO MONTHS to do it, and you haven't turned a hand. NO."
Hermione's raised voice caught Arthur Weasley's attention. Hermione never raised her voice, to his knowledge. He went over to where they were sitting. "Ronald." Arthur's voice was flat. "What have you done or said to upset Hermione?"
"Nothin'," he mumbled.
"I won't let him copy my homework, Mister Weasley," the bushy-haired witch told Arthur, "he's had two months to do his and he hasn't bothered."
Arthur's mouth tightened. It had been a busy summer for him; he'd careened all over the United Kingdom, then spent most of his evenings doing Dumbledore's bidding and listening to his wife's complaints. He was dead-tired and this was the last straw for him. "Don't worry about it, Ronald," he told his youngest son.
"You goin' ta talk to MacGee?" Ronald's voice was bright with hope.
"I'll be writing her a note," he replied grimly. "Bring me your books, Ronald."
A few minutes later the ginger returned with his books. "This is all of them?" Ronald nodded. "Good. You won't be needing them, I'll return them. No point in wasting hard-earned gold."
Ronald looked confused. "Your grades were abominable, Ronald. Now you haven't bothered with your homework, despite your mother reminding you every day. So you'll be repeating last year. At home. I've finished wasting money on you," Arthur finished flatly.
"This is all your fault," Weasley shouted at Hermione. "If you'd let me borrow your homework this wouldn't have hap…"
The sound of Arthur's hand striking his youngest son's left cheek rebounded across the busy pub. Customers stared, shocked at the normally quiet man's behaviour. Molly turned a dangerous shade of red. "ARTHUR! YOU WILL…"
Nobody heard what Arthur was to do, because he grabbed Molly by her shoulders and shook her like a terrier with a rat. "Be quiet, Molly," he snapped at his wife. "I've pissed away over GG10,000 on Ronald at Hogwarts. No more, not one more knut. You can home school him, he can take the OWLs at the Ministry like any other home schooled wizard. When he's not studying, he can work on the home farm and maybe, just maybe, we'll actually have money."
Arthur whirled, snapping his wand to point directly at Ronald's groin. "Vox Pater: Sterilis esse in aeternum," he snapped. A greenish-yellow spell struck Ronald's groin. Ronald shrieked. "You're too damn' lazy to do your homework, Ronald," the irate ginger told him the teenager rolling on the pub's floor, "Merlin only knows if you'd even bother using a contraception charm; I'm not supporting any of your children."