LIV
Ad Hoc
Kagome stays where she is for a while and tries to get over her embarrassment and think clearly. When she gets past the idea of escalating her affection for Kouga, the thing that sticks out at her most is a single word and the promise in it.
Forever.
The implication of what Hakkaku said is astounding, and she almost hesitates to consider it. Forever - energies mixed and mingled - until the end of time – forever. Her thoughts are a jumble of hope and confusion. Is what she's thinking the truth, or was Hakkaku just making a metaphor out of what it means to make a life together? She desperately wants what she thinks Hakkaku implied – immortality born of sharing herself with Kouga.
Can it be true?
Why else would he have told her so pointedly to consider that such a time span is far beyond the potential of mortal years? Why else have warned her so to be careful?
Forever.
The echo perpetuates itself.
Kagome finds herself wondering how long forever really is; if eternity, like infinity, can even be measured. Year after year will go by. She will experience countless seasons, winters and springs and summers, an endless parade of autumn foliage, the cycle of fruiting and flowering and fading as the world sinks into slumber beneath the snow.
The youkai around her will live as she will live; the humans, like the man Miroku, will not. She is momentarily grateful that she has made only a pair of human acquaintances in this time – and the old woman she hardly knows at all. Kouga wants her forever, and now Kagome knows that he intends to do whatever is necessary to please her, to make her want to stay with him the way he wants to keep her.
Stay with him -
"Stay with him. Miroku doesn't think it's a good idea, though. Neither did Kaede, but Miroku's a bit of a twit and Kaede doesn't know Kouga at all. But I wonder...what mama would think?"
A pang strikes her for the first time in several days. Mama. Her thoughts drift over Kaede again, over the village of Edo that should be the city of Tokyo. Five hundred years in the future, her family is probably in mourning – but even as the thought crosses her mind she feels a strange chill. What if – what if it doesn't matter that she can't get home now? What forever means to her slips past her lips in a sigh.
"Forever means that five hundred years is nothing..."
A wealth of possibilities flood over her all at once. If she chooses Kouga, then one day she'll see her mother again, even if she has to wait to make it happen. If she chooses Kouga -
No. Stop it, Kagome. What am I thinking? I can't mate Kouga because I'll live longer, that wouldn't be right, that wouldn't be right at all!
She's already halfway to making the decision Kouga wants, but she won't make that choice for the sake of her own selfish wishes. She can only hope that she's been brought to the past for a reason; that one day she'll have a way to go back.
"Anyway, forever might be something to think about but I've got enough to deal with now."
Kagome lets out a heavy sigh and rolls onto her side. It isn't her feelings that are preventing her from escalating her relationship with Kouga, nor is it fear that he doesn't desire her – he's made that clear enough. It's the thought of what she needs to do to declare that she wants him which holds her back. She wants him to touch her just as she wants to touch him, but she doesn't know if she should, if she's ready, if she's making a mistake.
Another sigh leaks past her lips.
"At least...at least that's not the first thing I have to do. Ask him for things...hm."
She thinks for a minute and then presses the heels of her hands against her eyes.
"This is going to be harder than I thought! What can I ask for when he's already giving me everything I need?"
The snow continues to fall. When it stops, it's been a week of nights and eight days since it began, and the valley is covered in so much snow that the many ledges leading up to the heights of the den's entrance look like a long ramp. The river is invisible beneath a frozen blanket of white, and the stands of short, young trees on the further bank look like dwarfs, such is the depth of the snow.
The pups play on the ledges, while their mothers look on with amusement and watch them rolling and tumbling and sinking into the drifts. Elder wolves stare out at the frosted landscape from high ledges, or work within the shadows of the den. No one travels; few go out, hunting – the older pups run at night, tumbling like their season old siblings, but for the most part, the wolves settle into the dim quiet of winter life.
They do not hibernate, but neither are they active like their mortal kin. Kouga's wolves work fine crafts and tell stories, make wine and hone their fighting skills, stitch furs, and cure them, and imbue some of their work with youki. By the time the week-long blizzard is over, the wolves have accepted Kagome's presence wherever she chooses to be that day – she wanders by the hour, meeting more of Kouga's pack than she's seen so far. A little at a time, they grow used to Miroku, too; often as not, he is sitting near Kagome, his eyes closed in meditation but his ears open, listening.
Kagome grows used to asking Kouga for things, and after the first few times, and the blinding smile he gives her, she stops feeling bad about it and begins to tease him with her requests. In doing so she enters into the true spirit of the courtship exchange, and Kouga's pleasure knows no bounds.
Something blue, really blue – like the sea, she says. Like the sky in summer – I miss the sky in summer. Winter is gray and white and black, and I miss the color. He searches for hours in a dark room by torchlight; when he comes back to her he brings her a handful of sapphires in all the shades of sky there are, and delights in the wonder on her face.
Sour – I've got...this terrible craving for something sour, Kouga – and while she's sleeping he leaves the den and braves the snow and runs unerringly south. South over land, south over sea; he becomes the whirlwind. He returns ragged at dawn and startles her with his red eyes, with an enormous yawn, and then he tumbles a leather satchel full of gleaming, perfect fruit into her lap. Lemons, glorious yellow; limes with pebbled rinds green as jewels.
One morning, Kouga brings Kagome outside and they join the pups in their play. When he falls off the ledge into a drift she laughs at him with snow in his hair and brushes at his cheek with her fur-mittened fingers.
"It's so cold – wet and cold! It's too bad there's no place warm for us to go – some place where the heat could just melt into my bones and make winter a memory for a while."
She misses Kouga's wide, sly grin.
A/N: Sorry for the 12 hour delay dears...I even had this one half done, and still insomnia has killed me. I've had one hour long nap in the past 36 hours, so please excuse if there are doom typos and such – I will edit them as soon as my brain is actually alive, and not just pretending. The chapter's title, "Ad Hoc", translates to "made up on the spot"! More to be forthcoming shortly ( as in today's chapter in today, I hope), and bear with me as I try to not die from no sleep!
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