Naomi

There was an annoying amount of blood on my hands.

It was my third nosebleed in a week, and I was really glad I didn't have internet access anymore, so I couldn't get on WebMD and convince myself it was a brain tumor. I tipped my head back and pinched the bridge of my nose. Bryce handed me a tissue.

"Careful," he said. "You'll ruin all that Top Secret Work you're doing."

I flipped the binder shut. My Convince Daryl a Kid is Something I Want Actually List was none of his business. There was already a spot of blood on it from my damn nose, so I was probably going to have to rewrite it anyway.

The radio crackled. Perla's voice came through, garbled in a way that made her words hard to hear, but her panic came through crystal clear. Lucas's face paled as he grabbed the radio. The whole room stilled.

"Perla? Calm down, honey. We can't hear you. Can you repeat that?" he said. My heart was already beating a million miles a minute. Stomach-churning dread deep down inside.

Something is wrong.

Something is very wrong.

Perla's voice came through again, and this time, it was obvious she was hard to hear because she was crying. "Negan…. Negan…he shot them… he…"

My stomach turned to ice. Perla was still trying to get the words out, her voice shaking, but I'd heard enough. So had Lucas. The stillness in the room shattered in an instant. Bryce was on his feet, Aaron ran to get Dr. Carson, but I couldn't wait for him. I couldn't wait for anyone.

I'd never moved so fast in my life.

I dropped everything I was doing and raced out of the building. I didn't slow for anyone, my body was on autopilot. My brain had all but shut down, my sole purpose was getting to Mia and Daryl.

Are they still alive?

I hadn't stopped to think about it. I'd just heard 'Negan' and 'shot them.' What if I was too late?

Lucas jumped in the passenger side; walkie still clutched tightly in one hand. "They took the road to Alexandria. I told Aaron. He'll follow with Dr Carson."

"I got a med kit," The back door flew open as I started the engine. Bryce slid in, slamming the door as I took off.

Perla was still screaming, Lucas was trying to calm her down so we could get as much information as possible. My mind was racing as fast as the car. I glanced at Lucas as he held the walkie up to my face.

"Perla, you're doing such a good job," I said, trying to stop her from dissolving into hysteria. I needed information. I needed to know how to help them. "But can you put Daryl on? Or Mia?"

I desperately wanted to hear them. Either of them.

"No, they're… they're unconscious. I can't wake them up."

Fuck.

Fuckfuckfuck.

I took a deep breath. "Are they…are they breathin'?"

There was a pause that was way too long, and then Perla said, "Yeah…I… I think so…"

Think?

Fuck.

My heart twisted so hard that I swerved in the road. I gripped the steering wheel tight in my hands. I choked back a sob. There wasn't time to feel sad. I didn't have the luxury of crying right now. I needed to get to my family. I needed them to be okay.

"All right, Perla, you're doing so well," I fought to keep my voice level and calm. "If you can find where they're bleeding from, put pressure on the wound, okay? Try and slow the bleeding."

"Okay."

"Are you safe, sweetie?" I asked. "Is Negan still around?"

"No. No. We're on the road now. Negan ran away."

Of course, he did.

Fucking coward.

That son of a bitch went back on our deal.

Hunted my family.

Shot them in cold blood and can't even stick around to face me.

The rage would come later. Right now, I was too damn scared to feel anything else. It was good, I guess, that he wasn't still there to threaten Perla, that he hadn't returned to finish the job. Lucas moved the walkie again, reassuring Perla and talking her through things she could do to slow the bleeding.

The first few flakes of snow hit the windshield. Perla's voice came back, shaking with fear, "There's Walkers… they're coming… they must have heard the gunshot."

"It's okay," Lucas said, although he was so tense. "You know what to do. You can do this. Are there a lot of them?"

"No," she said, her voice had stopped trembling. "Not too many."

"All right," Lucas said, his teeth gritted with the stress of hearing his surrogate child having to face down an unknown number of Walkers on her own. "You can do this, honey. You'll be fine. Stay calm. Focus."

It felt like those words were for me, too.

Stay calm.

Focus.

I'm going to throw up.

We took a bend in the road, and there they were. Two Walkers were stumbling toward a glinting motorbike and two discarded kids bikes. Two bumps in the road behind Perla made my stomach churn when I noticed them. Bodies.

Perla started frantically waving us down like there was any chance we'd miss her. I slammed the car into the two dead assholes who were making their way toward Perla. I skidded to a halt.

I'd done my best not to picture what we were running into. I'd never have been able to drive if I had, but it was so much worse than any intrusive image my brain had thrown up. Seeing the two people I loved most in this whole world lying motionless in a pool of their own blood was something that would haunt me forever, no matter how this turned out.

No.

No, no, no.

Nonononono.

Neither of them were moving. Daryl had pulled Mia's bike so that it was balanced on the handle, a protective metal tent over her. I shoved it aside. Knelt down. Wished I could trade places with her.

God, she's so small.

She's just a kid.

"Mia?" I called to her. She didn't move. Neither of them did.

"I've got a pulse on Daryl," Bryce said, his fingers on Daryl's neck. I tried to find the same on Mia.

I prayed she was cold because of the weather and not because we were too fucking late. I waited a few more heartbeats to be sure it wasn't wishful thinking. "Mia's got one too."

Still alive.

Thank God.

I can keep her that way.

I pressed down hard on Mia's wound to stop the bleeding. Perla's scarf was soaked through. Most of the blood seemed to be coming from her side. It was hard to locate at first; her jumper was covered in red. I glanced up at where Bryce tied a tourniquet around Daryl's leg. Lucas had moved Perla away slightly, she was sobbing uncontrollably.

A second car screeched to a halt. Dr Carson rushed out with Aaron. He was at my side in seconds. I stepped back so he could look at Mia, although everything in me wanted to stay with her, stay connected to her in some way.

While he looked over Mia's injury, I panicked over Daryl's. His pants were darkened with blood below the knee. Aaron's tourniquet had slowed it for now. It seemed, to my completely untrained eye, less critical than Mia's. But what if I was wrong? There were some big arteries in there.

I closed my eyes for a moment, suddenly certain I was about to throw up.

This can't be happening.

This can't be real.

Now that Dr Carson was here to tend to them, I couldn't stop my mind from turning over and over. I should have come with them. Maybe I could have stopped Negan. Maybe he'd have gone for me instead and left them alone.

This is my fault.

I never should've trusted him.

I should've killed him when I had the chance.

My fingers ran through Daryl's hair. It was enough to hold me together and ward off the guilt I knew would later consume me.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered to him, hoping some subconscious part of him could hear me. "You did so good keeping her safe until we got here. She's gonna be fine. You both are."

The alternative was too horrific.

"Daryl's wound is a clean shot through the leg, but I can't find an exit wound on Mia," Dr Carson said. I hated how anxious he looked. "I think the bullet might still be in there."

"What…what does that mean?" I said. I didn't want a diagnosis, I wanted a plan. "Do we need to…how do we help her?"

"A surgery might get it out, but I'm not… I don't know if I can…"

"Siddiq," Aaron said quickly. "He has surgical training. You should get her to Alexandria."

I glanced at Dr. Carson. He nodded, "It's her best chance."

I don't like the wording of that.

"What about Daryl?"

"We'll take him back to Sanctuary," he said. "I'll be able to cauterize the wound there. He'll be off his feet for a few days, but if we move fast, he should pull through."

I hated the thought of us being apart. I hated the idea that Daryl would be suffering somewhere I couldn't see him. When he woke up he'd be alone and desperate to know if Mia was alright. But what other option did we have?

"I'll go back with him," Aaron's hand landed on my shoulder. "If anything changes I will call Alexandria."

I nodded. Every fiber of my being wanted to fight it, but I couldn't. It was the best plan. They'd both get medical attention. They'd both have the highest chance of survival. It wasn't permanent. Once Mia was fixed up, we could come back, or Daryl could join us in Alexandria. I'd be able to take care of them both.

I bent to kiss Daryl's forehead. He'd be mad if he knew I'd hesitated at all.

Aaron and Dr Carson lifted Daryl away from me. It felt like they'd ripped off a limb and left me bleeding at the side of the road. I couldn't watch as they bundled him into the back of one of the cars. I focused on Mia, picking her up and trying not to remember all of the times she'd been much smaller than this and I'd had to carry her to her room after she'd fallen asleep on the sofa. Or when a grazed knee on the playground was the worst injury she'd ever had.

Bryce got in the back of the car with me and helped put pressure on Mia's wound. I think he tried to talk to me but I couldn't take any of it in. Half of me was gone, in another car. The other half could only focus on Mia. Lucas drove like a madman. Perla, in the front passenger seat, kept glancing back.

Torn between willing her to wake up and talk to me, and wanting her to stay where she was free of pain, I kept checking Mia's pulse. I wasn't sure mine would keep going if I couldn't find hers.

It was the longest drive of my fucking life.

Alexandria's gates were already open when we got there, and the streets cleared so we could drive right up to the infirmary. Bryce must have radioed ahead. I hadn't heard him.

Siddiq pried Mia from my arms at the door of the infirmary. I tried to step in after him.

"I need the room," Siddiq said, there was a little wariness in his eyes when he glanced at me. But by the time I'd processed that he meant I couldn't go in with her, the door had already closed.

I wanted to be there with her. I wanted to be the one on the operating table instead of her. But that wasn't possible. I wanted her to have the best chance at living, even if that meant I couldn't go in.

"Naomi, sweetie," Bryce said gently. "She's in the best place for her. Come on, we could head to Aaron's, get out of the cold while we wait?"

I nodded but my feet didn't move. They couldn't. I couldn't step off the porch. They were already frozen. Bryce seemed to get it. He didn't go to Aaron's. Lucas tried to convince Perla to go home but she wouldn't move either. If I hadn't been being eaten alive from the soul out, I'd have tried to convince her too. She'd had to do a brave and horrible thing. But I couldn't be there for Perla right now, I could barely be there for myself. My mind kept spinning between Mia and Daryl.

I need you.

Both of you.

I can't exist in this world without you.

Rick and his family trudged through the snow toward us. Michonne wrapped a jacket around me, which was nice but the numbness in my body had nothing to do with the cold. Carl tried to look in the windows and then spent a long time telling me Mia would be okay. He'd been shot once. He was fine. The more he repeated it, the more it felt like it was for his sake as much as mine. It seemed to calm Perla down, too.

It took an eternity for the doors to open again. When they did, Siddiq looked around at us all, surprised to see so many people huddled on his porch in a snowstorm. It was only in noticing his surprise that I realized how bad the snow had gotten. Thick, white flakes fell from the sky, silently piling up.

If I hadn't already been losing my mind, I might have taken a moment to be grateful for this village Mia had to care for her. The snowy vigil outside her hospital room. But I was going insane, and I needed to see her. I could thank everyone else later.

"I've given her some painkillers," Siddiq said. "And she's a little groggy, so maybe just Mia's Mom should come in for now? We don't want to overwhelm her."

I nodded and stepped forward. I couldn't shake that image of her, so still on the road. Not since the day she was born had she looked so fragile. Not since a doctor had come into the delivery waiting room and told teenage me that there'd been complications and Momma needed an emergency c-section had I been so scared medicine wouldn't save her. Not since Terminus had I been so terrified of losing her.

But I stepped into the room. And there she was. Sitting up. Eyes open.

"I'm sorry," she said, she started sobbing the moment she saw me. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, it's okay," I said. There was a chair next to the bed, but I ignored it, climbing onto the bed so I could be next to her. Hug her. "It's okay, sweetie, it wasn't your fault. I'm just glad you're here."

There was a very good chance I'd never be mad at her for anything again. Daryl, too. If the two of them pulled through this I'd let them get away with murder. Mia's wide eyes, slightly hazy with the painkillers she'd been given, looked behind me. "Da… Daryl, he-"

"Daryl was injured, but he's gonna be okay," I said quickly, trying to rip the band-aid off. I still wasn't clear on exactly how things had unfolded or how much of it she'd been conscious for, but I didn't want her to freak out now. She needed to rest. Heal. "He's back in Sanctuary, but we'll see him soon."

I need that to be true.

"It wasn't his fault," she said.

"I know, I know," I said. I didn't want her to have to think about what had happened any more than she had to. I didn't want her dredging up traumatic memories until she was ready to talk about it. "Ain't nobody's fault but Negan's, sweetie."

And he'll pay for it.

Slowly, and one by one, the others from outside came in to see her. Carl and Perla were allowed in together. There were a lot of tears, even though Carl was trying not to let them show. I stepped back to give them a moment. Bryce was hovering by the door.

"Any news?"

He didn't have to ask who I meant. I didn't like the look on his face, or the nervous swallow before he spoke. "The snowstorm is pretty bad. Comms are down."

Fuck.

Daryl

Slipping into unconsciousness had been gradual, coming back was brutal. I was ripped from oblivion, a deep and burning pain in my leg reminding me of everything that had happened. Everything I'd lost.

"Mia…" I sat up in bed, trying to get my bearings, trying to look for her. Took me a moment to see that I wasn't lying on the road anymore. I was in Sanctuary's medical bay. There wasn't another bed beside me. My prayers to die in her place were unanswered. Either that or the devil was listening and now I was in hell.

No.

Nononono.

"Naomi took her to Alexandria," Aaron said quickly, getting to his feet from a chair by my bed. "She needed surgery to get the bullet out, and Siddiq has surgical training, so we thought it was her best chance."

Surgery?

Fuck.

"Have we… heard anything?" I asked. I wasn't sure how long I'd been out, or how long they'd been gone.

"The snowstorm hit," Aaron said. "It's really bad out there, and it's messed with the radio signals. I've been trying, but… I can't get through."

Fuck.

The dread must have shown on my face.

"Dr. Carson was really positive about her chances," Aaron said. "And Siddiq, he's… he's good at what he does."

I nodded but it didn't help. Even if Siddiq had been the best surgeon at the fanciest damn hospital in the world, it wouldn't have helped. Only seeing Mia happy and healthy would make anything even close to okay.

I'll never be allowed to see her again… not after what I did.

Knowing she's okay would be enough.

Dr Carson gave me a bunch of painkillers that make me drowsy but I couldn't sleep for more than a few hours without having the same dream. Lifting Mia. Gunshot. Blood on her shirt. Over and over. I knew the shot was coming this time, too, but there was never anything I could do to stop it.

The hours crawled by, light changing outside the window. Still no news came. I was going out of my mind. I wanted to get out of the damn infirmary bed and hike to Alexandria through the snow. Dr Carson was getting me to put more weight on my busted leg and use it more little by little. But it wasn't the injury that was stopping me from getting out there in a snowstorm, it was Naomi.

I wasn't ready to face her. Because I knew when I did, I would lose her. Nothing could make this right again. I'd already lost her, I suppose; she'd have hated me the moment she saw us lying on that road, but without seeing her, it didn't feel final. While she was gone, I could pretend a little longer.

It took three days, and then, finally, we got word that Mia had pulled through. I felt like I could breathe easy for the first time since I'd seen that bullet hit her. Aaron gave me the message from Alexandria and I choked back the urge to ask if it was Naomi who'd called. I wasn't sure I could handle hearing her voice. Or what she'd have to say to me, although I knew I'd deserve every damn word of it.

I was relieved enough to sleep. Dreamless for once, but when I opened my eyes, Naomi was at my bedside.

Why the hell would she be back here?

Is she here to kill me?

There wasn't a hint of anger in her face as she looked at me. A big, beautiful smile broke out across it when she saw I was awake. It looked like the first time she'd smiled in days.

"Hey," she said, voice full of soft relief. "How you feelin'?"

Her hands brushed through my hair, her pretty eyes so full of concern. My head was still hazy from just waking up, and maybe a little from the pain meds too. It made me a little uncertain that this wasn't a dream. My first good dream in a while.

"I'm…I'm fine, but Mia… Mia…?"

"She's okay," Naomi said. Her hands were on my shoulders, gently trying to get me to lie down. I hadn't realized I was trying to get up. "She's okay. Siddiq got the bullet out. She'll need a lot of rest. And so do you. You were both so lucky."

I lay back against the pillow, out of shock more than anything else.

Why aren't you tearing me apart for what I've done?

It didn't make sense. Maybe I was dead after all and this was some kind of vision of heaven- a world where it hadn't been my fault. Naomi was looking at me with the same painful worry she'd had after Ronnie's guys had beaten me. It didn't make any sense. I didn't deserve a damn moment of her concern.

Maybe it's a test.

To see if I'll own up to it.

"Is she… here?" I asked. I couldn't see why Naomi would have left her side.

"No, she's in Alexandria," Naomi said, almost apologetically. "She insisted I come and see you before the next snow blocks the roads again. I brought Bryce back with me, but I've packed a car with some of Mia's stuff. She'll be bed-bound for a while, thought she could do with some home comforts."

"Take her birthday presents," I said. "Might cheer her up."

"I will," Naomi nodded. "And Rick says when you're better, you can come and join us while she recovers."

"You… you want me to?" It still felt like some kind of test.

"Of course we do," Naomi frowned.

"You don't blame me for-" I started to say. It was hard to get out past the giant lump clogging up my throat.

"Hey, it's not your fault," she said softly, her touch as gentle as her words as she cupped my face. "Perla told us what happened."

"She did?"

Then how am I still breathin'?

"Yeah," Naomi nodded. "She said Negan came out of nowhere when you were tracking a deer. She heard the gunshot and Mia…"

Naomi broke off. She couldn't even voice the moment where Mia had been shot.

She doesn't know.

She doesn't know it was my fault.

I thought about telling her, I swear I did. But a loud, strong, selfish part of me saw how easy it would be to let that be the official version of events. She already hated Negan. I could let her hate him a little more. After all, he was the one who pulled the trigger.

"I'm so sorry, Daryl," she said, her voice breaking. Her lip quivered. She was so close to breaking. It looked like she'd been that way for a while. The strain this must have been putting on her made my chest ache.

"What the hell have you got to be sorry for?"

"I never should've trusted Negan," she said. She looked so damn guilty. It could see the heaviness of it in her eyes, weighing her down. "I should've killed him instead of giving him a chance. If I had…neither of you would be…"

Oh shit.

She blames herself.

"Naomi, no," I said. "It ain't your fault.

"It is," she said miserably. "If I hadn't tried to… give him a second chance…if I'd just…"

No.

This ain't right.

It had happened because she'd believed in the wrong person, because she'd chosen to see the best in someone when she shouldn't. But it wasn't Negan.

The worst part is, under other circumstances, I would have let her believe the lie. If she hadn't been blaming herself for it, if she hadn't been beating herself up, I could've gone my whole life carrying that terrible secret. But the guilt would break her. It was too much for someone innocent in this.

"It wasn't your fault, angel," I said. It hurt, knowing this would likely be the last time she looked at me with love in her eyes. "Negan didn't break his promise. He didn't come onto our land."

Naomi frowned, "So… he shot across the border? That's still-"

"No," I said. I couldn't let her go on, spinning in circles trying to find a way to excuse me. "I…I was on his land. I tracked the deer to-"

"No," she said again, shaking her head like I had to be mistaken, but part of it was stinking in. I could see the tears starting to form. "You wouldn't do that."

She sounded so confident, like I had to be the one who'd got it wrong because she knew me better than I knew myself. That had been true before, except for one glaring blind spot. I'd always known I was a piece of shit. And now she finally knew it too.

"I didn't know for sure it was his territory," I said. I had to go on. She deserved the truth even if it broke me. "But…I didn't check."

"No," she said again. "You wouldn't do that. You wouldn't…take our little girl onto his land."

Our little girl?

It hit me like a sharp knife between the ribs. Made it hard to go on. "She wasn't supposed to… follow me… I told her not to.. I tried to…"

God, I'm making it worse.

Blaming Mia for my mistake.

I was supposed to keep her safe.

Naomi stood up so abruptly it sent her chair toppling to the ground. She closed her eyes. Not fast enough to stop a few tears from escaping down her cheeks. I hated seeing it. She was breathing like her chest was tight, like she'd just had the one safety net she'd ever known pulled out from under her. I wanted to reach out and touch her. Hold her, talk her through it like I did when she had one of her panic attacks. But I couldn't fix this. Not when I was the one causing it.

"Naomi, I…"

Her eyes opened again and I couldn't speak anymore. Looking at them damn near killed me.

Shoot me.

Kill me.

It'd be kinder than letting me live without you.

"I…I can't do this right now," she said. "I need to go. Mia needs me. I can't…be here."

Breaking her trust was bad enough, but I'd broken her heart. I could see it in her eyes. And she was too good to do the same to me.

There was nothing I could say. My throat closed up with the hopelessness of it.

I wanted to plead with her, beg her to stay with me. I owed her a thousand apologies. But they wouldn't fix it.

I can't breathe.

I can't fucking breathe.

When she turned and walked away I wanted to chase her down. Follow her to the ends of the earth to get her to talk to me again. Tell her one last time how much I love her.

But I didn't.

She deserved better, and she finally knew it.

It was worse than being shot.

I hurt her.

I really, really hurt her.

I grabbed a handful of painkillers without counting them. They weren't meant for this kind of pain but they'd knock me out for a while. I couldn't think about what I'd just lost. It was too much.

I swallowed down a few pills, gulped down some water and wished I had something stronger. Merle's hooch would've done it, blacked me out nice and good.

Every time I closed my eyes I saw her face, broken hearted and betrayed. It made it hard to breathe right. I couldn't think about a future without her.

What if they leave? Head off someplace else?

What if I never see either of them again?

"Naomi, are you ready to-?" Aaron looked around the room like she was expecting her to be at my side. Gracie was in his arms, and Bryce was right behind him. Bryce looked around the room in the same way, expecting to see Naomi beside me.

Get used to it.

She ain't ever gonna be near me again.

"You okay, Daryl?" Bryce asked. He looked worried. "You look…I can get Dr Carson if you need more painkillers."

I knew how I looked - like a man who'd just lost everything. I shook my head. "I just took some."

I could feel them starting to kick in. Numbing my body. Still felt like I'd been sliced in two, but at least I'd fall asleep soon.

"She left," I managed to say. Fuck knows how.

"Shit," Aaron said, readjusting Gracie in his arms. "She was supposed to give us a ride back to Alexandria."

Given how mad she was, it wasn't surprising she'd forgotten.

"We could try calling her," Bryce said. "She can't have gotten far."

"We should let her get back to Mia," Aaron said. "She has enough to worry about. That is… if you don't mind us staying a little longer. It's started snowing again, so I don't think we'll have another window to get back for a while."

His gaze flickered between me and Bryce. I shook my head. "Of course not."

"It's nice having you both here," Bryce said. "Next time the snow clears, we can drop you off and visit Mia at the same time."

"Yeah," Aaron nodded, looking at me. "I think you'll be well enough by then to come with us."

I nodded like I agreed with them because I couldn't bring myself to tell them the truth. Saying it out loud would make it worse, make it real.

I ain't ever gonna see them again.

What they'd heard when I'd said Naomi left was Naomi left to look after Mia. What I'd meant was; Naomi left me.