Busy week is busy...again. Not as bad as the chaos of last week, though. Took a day off just because I could, which was a great decision. Really needed some time to unwind and get my mind off of work for a bit. Might be the best thing I've done for my mental health in a long time. Burnout has been staved off just a little longer!

Also went and got a couple's massage with MrsTheGoose a few days ago. Even the massage therapist was surprised at the amount of tension I had. Would love to follow her advice and come back monthly, but there's this nasty little business of paying for stuff that can get in the way. We also did a special stream yesterday with MrsTheGoose showing off her amazing polymer clay skills, and I'm hosting a community gaming event tomorrow that should be a ton of fun.

But enough pleasantries. Let's get to the angst!

What have I done?

The condemning thought echoed in his head long after Nila had fled. Still, his eyes watched her path, desperately hoping for something. He didn't know what that something looked like, but still he waited, feet refusing to budge.

What have I done?

He knew. Oh gods, he knew. A wave of nausea threatened to topple him as he recalled in vivid detail just what he'd done.

And who he'd done it to.

Hand clenched to his mouth, holding in both the vomit and screams that threatened to break loose, Adam stumbled to the side. The wall caught him with a thud, letting him slowly slide down to the floor. He could still feel her - the girl he loved - and how she trembled in his hands. His hands shook as he raised them in front of his eyes. Even if they looked the same as always, he cursed at the sight of them. His fists clenched tightly until they hurt, a hint of blood seeping out around one of his nails.

What have I done?

He'd used her. Violated her. Betrayed her. Blaming Alyssa should've been easy, but he couldn't excuse himself. She may have demanded it, but he hadn't even fought back. He could remember the look on Nila's face when he'd given in. She'd looked to him for salvation, and he'd instead stepped between her and the door, cutting off any hope of escape. Alyssa may have orchestrated the whole thing, but he'd been the one to obey. It was his words that robbed her of hope. His hands that forced her into bed. His actions that broke her. She'd never forgive him.

And he'd never forgive himself.

He'd promised to be strong enough to protect them - to protect her. Instead, he'd become the one to truly hurt her. He'd become the very monster he'd fought to guard her from. After all this time hating Alyssa for what she'd done to him, he'd turned around and inflicted the same torture on the one he loved.

You wanted this, the hated voice whispered. You've dreamed of this.

"No!"

Yes, Adam. You can lie to yourself as much as you want, but we both know the truth. I know you, Adam, even better than you know yourself. I've seen your mind - seen your thoughts when you're alone with her. All this time, you've longed for this moment. I just helped you along.

"But I didn't want-"

You did! The voice practically roared in his mind. You've wanted nothing more. Why else did you take her with you? Why risk someone else when you ran away? Because you wanted her all to yourself, that's why. You wanted to take her far away, where she had no one to rely on but you. You wanted her dependent on you, just like how you depend on me. And then, when she realized how much she needed you, you would've taken her. You would've demanded she devote herself, body and soul, to you. And with no other choice, she would have, just as she did back there.

"No! I wouldn't have! She agreed to come with me."

Because you told her to. Because just like you, she knows to obey. And now, she belongs to you, just as you belong to me. You're welcome.

"This isn't what I wanted…"

It is. It's exactly what you wanted, and we both know that. After all, all it took was a single command. You barely even pretended to resist before giving in. He'd thought of fighting back, only to give up and accept her demands. Had he really tried to resist at all? Face it. You wanted her, and I gave her to you. Don't say I never got you anything.

Whether he wanted it or not, one thing was clear. Adam was a monster, just like those Beowolves. No, worse. He'd chosen to turn on Nila. You couldn't be betrayed by a Beowolf. They didn't know any better. They were just mindless beasts. A true monster was someone who could think and reason, but still chose to harm others.

The worst ones hurt their friends.

There was no going back now. He'd betrayed Nila. No apology could undo that evil. Nothing he could do would ever erase that stain. He'd be forced to live with the consequences of his actions, and so would she.

As long as she knows to keep her mouth shut.

Keep her mouth…oh, gods! If she told anyone what happened…well, he'd be in trouble, of course, but that was the least of his concerns right now. If Nila told on him, she'd be telling on her too. She'd rat them both out, and Adam had a feeling Alyssa wouldn't allow that. She'd threatened to have him locked up if he ever told anyone. SHe'd made it painfully clear he'd suffer for letting anyone know, so why risk it by bringing in Nila? Sure, she could deny everything, but with the sheriff already snooping around, it seemed foolish to do something like that. Which meant only one thing.

She'd already planned for it.

Alyssa had to know Nila might tell, which meant she already had a plan to deal with it - to deal with Nila. It would likely spell trouble for him, too, but that didn't matter. After what he'd done, he deserved that and so much worse. But Nila? She didn't deserve any of it. That wouldn't matter to Alyssa, though. She'd tear apart anyone who got in her way. Which meant Adam needed to find Nila and warn her. Already, he was hurrying down the hall, purpose driving him where his will had failed.

That's right. Hunt her down. Corner her and demand her silence. No. He wouldn't do something like that. Why not? She already fears you. Why not use that fear for her own good? Because even after what he'd done, he still cared about her. He wouldn't frighten her into submission like Alyssa. They weren't the same.

But you are, the voice condemned. Besides, it worked on you. A little fear, some simple threats, and you dared not even breathe a word of what I'd done.

And what a mistake that turned out to be. All this time, he'd kept his mouth shut to protect his friends, but she'd hurt Nila anyway. She'd made him hurt her. If he hadn't been such a coward, he could've stood up to her at the start and kept all this from happening. She would've made him pay for it, naturally, but it couldn't have hurt worse than the look Nila had given him before she ran. Alyssa might have sought revenge against his friends, but she might not have. Either way, his inaction had definitely cost Nila now.

He'd failed her. He'd gotten Nila involved - convinced her to run away with him. He'd turned Alyssa's attention on her, and in the end, he'd been the one to betray her. "Never again," he quietly promised himself. He'd protect her, like he'd always promised. He'd keep her safe by making sure she didn't tell anyone.

And you'll be safer, too. Maybe, but that wasn't the point. He was doing this for her, not for himself. Keep telling yourself that. He would, despite the voice's obvious dismissal. He'd never be able to undo what had happened, but he could try to make up for part of his failure. Even if she hated him - and she had every reason to - Adam would do whatever it took to protect her from now on.

But first, he needed to talk to her.

Tracking Nila down proved more difficult than expected. He'd always been the best when they played hide and seek together, but it seemed Nila was a much better hider when she really wanted to be. Her room yielded nothing. No familiar ears poked above the shelves of the library. He tried outside, but even a full lap of the property came up empty. He was quickly running out of places to search.

Until he remembered what time it was.

"The cafeteria," he said aloud, as if his feet needed to be told. His stomach voiced its approval as well, but food could wait. He needed to sort things out with Nila, first. She might not want to talk with so many people around, but maybe he could hint at some things and pull her aside afterwards. Not the greatest plan, but it was all he had right now.

By the time he got to the cafeteria, the room was already buzzing with activity. He spotted Erik easily enough, sitting alone in their usual spot. The boy stiffened when Adam approached.

"Have you seen Nila?"

"Is…is everything okay?" Erik asked.

"It's fine," Adam instinctively answered before realizing how dumb that sounded. "Well, not really. I need to talk with Nila. Have you seen her?"

"What did you do?"

The direct words caught Adam off guard. It wasn't so much the question as the way he asked. He knew something. Given Erik's feelings for Nila, Adam felt confident he didn't know anything specific. He'd decked Adam for letting a Beowolf anywhere near Nila. Adam suspected he'd be receiving a utensil to the face if Erik found out what he'd just done.

Erik didn't bother waiting for an answer. "I ran into Nila earlier. She looked awful." Adam had a feeling he knew why. "Did something happen between you two?"

"We…I messed up, Erik," Adam admitted, sitting down as the crushing weight of what he'd done wore him down. "I really messed up."

"Figured it was something to do with you," Erik said, sounding completely unsurprised by the revelation. "Couldn't think of anything else that could get her so upset."

Because the only things that could hurt you that bad were things you cared deeply about. Pika and his gang could beat him black and blue, but they couldn't do much to him emotionally. He'd have to actually care for their opinion for it to hurt him. Alyssa's betrayal hurt far worse, because he'd trusted her and thought of her as a friend at the time.

How much worse was it for Nila, then?

"So what happened?"

"I screwed everything up, Erik," Adam lamented. He couldn't tell Erik what happened - and not just for fear of the fork in his friend's hand. He already needed to keep Nila quiet. Adding Erik to the list would be a terrible idea. "I don't know if she'll ever forgive me."

"Are you two breaking up?" Despite Erik's obvious feelings for Nila, he sounded genuinely concerned.

"I…I don't know," he lied. He doubted Nila would ever want to see him again, let alone date him. Relationships were built on trust, and he'd obliterated hers.

"Well, I hope you don't."

"Huh?" Adam assumed Erik would be cheering on a breakup. Hadn't he once promised to be waiting to swoop in the moment Adam messed up? This should've been a golden opportunity for him. "I thought you wanted Nila."

"Just because I like her doesn't mean I want you two to have a messy breakup." Erik shoveled some chips into his mouth, swallowing before he continued. "I'm not a monster."

It was Adam's turn to swallow, though his guilt probably tasted a lot worse than Erik's lunch.

"She's happy with you. More than she ever was before." If he'd hoped to encourage Adam, he was doing a terrible job. It only hurt worse to realize how much he'd betrayed her. "I love her. Always have. But part of that is wanting her to be happy, even if that means I'm not."

Erik deserved her so much more than he ever could. He didn't doubt for a moment that his friend would've made the right decision in his shoes. If only they'd gotten together, everything would've been better. He could've run away by himself without waiting for Nila. With the lighter load, he and Eve might've even made it far enough to be safe. Then, Erik and Nila could've lived happily ever after with him out of the way. Even if he got caught and brought back, Alyssa wouldn't have been able to use his relationship with Nila against him.

In the end, letting Nila get close to him had been a huge mistake.

"I guess what I'm saying is…I hope you manage to work things out."

"Thanks, Erik." As much as Adam prided himself on strength, there was no denying how weak he felt compared to his friend right now.

"No problem. Whatever happened, I'm sure you two can work it out."

Adam didn't share Erik's confidence, but either way, he needed to find her. He had to apologize, even if the words would mean nothing in the end. She still deserved to hear them. More than that, he needed to warn her. "Do you know where she went?"

"No idea," Erik shrugged. "But maybe you should give her some time. Let things cool down a bit first."

"I can't." He wished he could, but the sooner he warned her, the better. "I need to find her. I have to tell her…I have to say I'm sorry."

"Then good luck," Erik encouraged before a long sip of water. "Just tell her the truth and make sure she knows how sorry you are. The rest is up to her."

"Thanks." Adam rose, feeling slightly more encouraged by Erik's pep talk. He knew the feeling wouldn't last, though. Still he knew what he had to do and set off to track down his girlfr…to track down Nila.

The problem was, he still had no idea where to look. With the cafeteria, the library, and Nila's room already ruled out, he didn't really know too many other places to check. Most of the upstairs would be locked, and he had a feeling she'd want to be as far away from Alyssa's room as possible. With no other destination in mind, Adam made for her room again, just to be certain she hadn't circled back.

Where would she go? Somewhere secluded, obviously. She clearly intended to stay hidden from him, which meant their usual haunts were probably out of the question. Then again, with everyone at lunch, most of the building would be empty right now. As he neared her room once more, a soft sound caught his attention.

The closed door he'd just passed seemed obvious in hindsight. As much as Nila wanted to be alone, her main concern was avoiding him and Erik. Mostly him. Regardless, the two of them had something in common beyond their faunus heritage. As such, Nila had sought refuge in the one place they wouldn't go.

"Nila?" Adam asked softly as he gently opened the bathroom door. The soft crying he'd heard stopped with a sudden sniff, followed by silence.

Despite the jokes, he wasn't surprised at the lack of a couch. The room didn't smell overly flowery, either. In fact, aside from the lack of urinals and the extra stalls, it looked almost exactly like the boys' bathroom. Cleaner, fresher, but still a bathroom.

"Nila?" Adam tried again. No one answered, but only one stall door was closed. He slowly walked forward, stopping just outside her hiding place.

Knowing her refuge had been invaded, Nila finally spoke. "Go away." Her voice was barely louder than a whisper and he didn't miss the choked sound at the start.

"Nila, I'm sorry." As if those words meant anything now. "I…I didn't mean to-"

"Rape me?" The word slammed into Adam like a sledgehammer.

Disgust pooled in his stomach. "Y-yeah. That."

"Say it," Nila demanded, voice only a hint louder than before but with enough force to strangle him.

"Nila, I-"

"Say it," she practically growled.

"I…" Adam gulped, fighting with the word he'd avoided so hard, even if it didn't lessen the truth. "I r-raped you."

Silence reigned for a moment as his admission hung in the air. Adam had come to apologize - no, he'd come to warn her - but now, he had no words.

Nila had plenty. "Why, Adam?" Her earlier anger mixed with grief to produce the most painful sound Adam had ever heard. " I trusted you. I loved you. How could you do something like that to me?"

"I didn't want to-"

"But you still did." Nila mercilessly cut off his pathetic excuse. "I don't care what you wanted, just like you didn't care about me."

"I do care about you." Which was why he'd come to face her. It would've been so much easier to hide away and feel sorry for himself, yet here he was.

"And I loved you." Past tense, his mind needlessly highlighted. "So what now, Adam? Am I supposed to just get over it? A few words and we pretend nothing happened? Because I sure as hell can't forget."

"No, I-"

"Then what? Are you here to beg me not to tell anyone? Threaten me into silence?"

Yes. "No!" Even if she was closer than she realized, he wouldn't threaten her. He didn't need her silence for himself. It was to protect her.

Nila didn't wait for more. "Oh, so are you here for more?"

"What? No, I-"

"Didn't get enough the first time, so figured you'd come for round two?" The vitriol in her voice burned him to his core. "Is that why you're here? Corner me alone when no one's around?" The sound of the stall unlatching drew Adam's attention before the door flew open. "Is this what you want?"

Adam jerked away, but not before the sight of a nearly naked Nila burned into his brain.

"Look at me, Adam!" Her voice made it clear she wasn't asking. "This is what you wanted, right? This is what you took from me."

"That's not why I'm here."

"Then what do you want? You've already taken everything from me. My heart. My body. Everything. What more are you after?"

"I-I came to warn you," Adam attempted, trying to tear his eyes away from her. His eyes refused to turn this time, though not for the reasons she probably expected. Instead, he fixated on the bruising and scratches across her smooth skin, each a brutal reminder of his evil.

"Warn me?" Nila asked incredulously. "What? Afraid I'll tell Erik what you did?" More than she knew. "Or the other girls? Worried you won't have a chance with them if they know what kind of monster you really are?"

"I came to warn you about Alyssa!" Adam blurted out.

His words didn't have the desired effect. "I think she knows already." Through the tears, Nila managed a short laugh at the absurdity. "After all, she was there. You're both sick, you know that? And here I thought you actually cared about me when you were sleeping with that whore all along."

"I do care."

"You sure have a horrible way of showing it." Adam wished he had something to say to that. "All this time, I really thought we had something special. I made plans. I even dreamed of us starting a family someday. Then again, I guess you did too. Just a little more forcefully than what I'd imagined.

"I ran away with you, Adam," Nila continued. "I gave up everything for you. The worst part is, if you'd asked, I might have even given myself to you in time. But you didn't wait. You didn't ask. You took what you wanted for me, and now you want me to keep my mouth shut? You planning to gag me again if I don't? Or maybe-"

"She'll kill us!" Finally, his words broke through. He didn't know if they were true, but they might as well have been. At the very least, she'd made it clear she'd ruin their lives.

Then again, she already had.

"Alyssa has been ra-" Even now, he struggled to use the word. "Using me for months."

"What?"

"That's why I ran away. That's why I had to leave. She…she's done things to me, all while threatening to hurt us." When Nila didn't chime in, he pressed on. "You. Me. Erik. All of us. She said as long as I obeyed, she wouldn't hurt you."

"Fat lot of good that did," Nila finally said, summarizing his thoughts.

"I know. I just…I couldn't let her hurt you."

"So you hurt me instead?" Her accurate summary struck him in the gut.

"I-I did, but I didn't have a choice."

"You did," Nila shot back. "You chose to obey her. You chose to rape me. You chose-"

"I didn't!" Adam shouted, his voice clenching at the end with a painful squeak. "I didn't have a choice. She would've hurt us both. Had us arrested. Maybe even killed us." He honestly couldn't rule anything out with her now. "And she still could."

His final words, quieter than before, still drove the point home. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying we have to keep quiet." Adam hated himself, even as the words slipped past his lips. "Because if we say anything, she'll come after us. And not just us. Erik too. I don't know what she'll do, but she promised that we'd all pay if I ever told anyone."

Obviously, telling Nila didn't count anymore. He could see the same fear he'd felt so long ago dawning in her eyes. She may not have loved Erik to the degree their friend wished, but she still cared deeply for him. And like him, the idea of Erik suffering for them was unacceptable.

"So we just keep our mouth shut about the whole thing?" Nila didn't exactly sound like she supported the idea. "You keep hooking up with her, and what? I'm just supposed to sit around and wait for the next time she decides to rope me in? Or do the two of you prefer chains? Handcuffs, maybe?"

Adam grimaced at the obvious attack, even if she wasn't that far off. "It won't happen again."

"It shouldn't have happened in the first place," Nila pointed out. "And why exactly should I believe I won't be called up for another lesson sometime?"

"Because she only did it to get back at you for talking to the sheriff." Before that, going after Nila had merely been a threat to keep him in line. Now, he had proof of exactly how horrible her vengeance could be. "As long as you keep quiet, she'll leave you alone."

Nila shook her head, even as she finally picked up her discarded clothing and got dressed again. "You actually believe her?"

"She promised-"

"Listen to yourself, Adam!" Nila yelled, a look of disbelief plastered on her face. "You're trusting in the woman who's been abusing you all this time! What makes you think she cares about keeping her promises to you? Are you really that naïve?"

"I…" He didn't really know how to explain it. She'd left them alone all this time, just like she'd promised. She only brought Nila in when he acted out and got the sheriff involved. It was his fault she'd been hurt. If he'd just stayed and obeyed, nothing would've , he'd gotten Nila to run away with him, leading to her talking to Sheriff Taylor and accidentally letting some details slip. Adam had to be punished, naturally, but Nila's involvement - which he caused - sealed her fate.

Nila watched in bewilderment as Adam tried to reason everything out. Apparently, that proved answer enough for her. "You actually believe her…"

"She promised-"

"I don't care what she promised!" Nila shot back. "You said she promised to leave me alone, but that didn't stop me from getting raped, did it?" Adam shook his head, knowing better than to fight that one. "And what happens when she decides to break that promise again, Adam?"

"She won't-"

"What happens when she does?" Not if. When.

"I won't let her," Adam promised. Not again. As long as Nila kept her head down, he'd keep Alyssa's focus on him and make sure she was safe.

"Just like you didn't let her this time?"

His stomach dropped at her cruel reminder. He hadn't just let it happen. He'd been the one to lure her to Alyssa's room. He'd blocked the door, tied the gag, and done the deed himself. He hadn't just failed to stop it - he'd been the one to carry it all out.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Nila stood before him, silently fuming as he waited to see what else she had to say. Instead, she turned for the door. "I'm done. If she makes any more promises, I'll be in my room."

Adam instinctively reached out to grab her arm. He had to stop her. He had to make her realize how much danger she'd be in if she fought back. "Nila, wait!"

The sound of Nila's hand slapping his face echoed in the quiet room.

"Ni-"

A second slap turned him aside again.

"Don't…touch me." The hate in her eyes hurt far more than the reddened imprint on his face. "Ever again."

Adam didn't bother answering, but he made sure to keep his hands at his sides. "You can't tell anyone."

"I didn't exactly plan to go announce to everyone how my boyfriend raped me," Nila hissed. "I'd be tempted to tell Erik, just to watch him hurt you, but he doesn't deserve that kind of pain."

Adam did. She didn't say it, but he heard it all the same.

"Other than him, who would even care?" Nila's broken laugh did a poor job of masking her sadness. "You certainly don't."

"I do care-"

A third and final impact let him know just how much she believed him.

"You don't." Her words were as much statement as condemnation. "Don't even pretend like you do." Adam made no attempt to stop her as she marched to the door. Before leaving, she turned to deliver the final blow. "We're done, Adam. You've hurt me more than I ever thought anyone could, but I won't let you hurt me again. "I'd say I wish you and Alyssa are happy together, but at this point, I think I'd rather see you both fed to the Grimm. Goodbye, Adam."

And with those final words, Nila walked out - out of the bathroom and his life. Adam cradled the stinging mark on his face as he sank to his knees, wishing he could hide away in the stall like she had.

And that's what he'd become. A monster. What he'd done to Nila was unforgivable. He'd recognized the fear in her eyes upstairs. It was the same fear from the night of the Beowolves. She'd finally seen the true Adam - the one he'd tried so long to keep hidden from everyone, even himself. All this time, he'd pretended to put on a brave face, acting like he was some noble hero defending his friends from some great evil. But in the end, he'd been the one they should've feared. Adam turned and looked in the mirror to see the reddened eyes that stared back at him.

I'm a monster.

His hand reached up to one of the horns peeking through his hair. Maybe his dad had been right from the start. Maybe he was some sort of demon. Father Bernard had been foolish to take him in. He hadn't been left at the church to be given mercy. He'd been brought for purging and punishment. Perhaps it would've been better if Father Bernard had never heard his cries that cold night.

I'm a monster.

His tears splashed down, reminding him of the ones Nila had shed because of him, before he wiped his eyes and forced them back. He didn't deserve to cry. Crying was for those in pain, not the ones who caused it. Victims cried. Survivors cried.

Monsters didn't cry.

Slightly shorter chapter this week, as I didn't want to stretch this section out or add something to the end. The fallout of what Adam did last chapter needed the focus. Nila's reaction here was tough to write, as I had to resist the urge of her getting distracted or allowing even an inch, even when it would've been easier for highlighting certain things. Honestly, where last chapter left me disgusted, this one proved more of a pummeling to my stomach as I tried to put myself in Nila's shoes to get believable dialogue for her. Needless to say, I would not wish this on anyone.

Meanwhile, Adam is showing more signs of a mental breakdown. At least, that's how I'd describe it. Not too many sane people having arguments with the voice in their head. As much as I despise this arc thanks to Alyssa and the vile behavior she shows, I'm pleased to see the cracks are forming in the right direction. I know that sounds weird, since as the author, I'm the one writing all of this, but in all actuality, I'm more of a clock winder than anything. I set things up, dive into my character's mentalities, and let them sort of direct things as best I can. I've had to go back countless times and delete large sections because it felt forced, but I feel like Adam's breakdown is heading in the right direction on its own and is providing a framework for the Adam we know from canon. Hopefully, that's not just me being wishful.

Anyways, if I keep going much longer, my notes are gonna be bigger than the chapter. Have a great weekend!

Next chapter: Adam's back to being single.